LDR - Should I?

[RecordProducer]

I broke up with god cuz he cheated on me. I think I've always put more effort in the relationship than he did! :-)

[moimeme]

We dated LDR for one yr before marrying and I thought I knew her but I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HER.

 

It's a huge mistake to consider LDR 'dating'. LDR is a basis on which to build a relationship - maybe - but it has to be a precursor to serious time together dating IRL, not a substitute for face time. Consider LDR as the first many dates where you start to get to know each other and realize you want to know more - if you do. But it's not 'dating'. You still need to spend a good chunk of time in each other's physical presence to see if you click on all levels.

[RecordProducer]

I agree with you 100% Moi-meme, but what do you do in a relationship like mine where I cannot get the visitor's visa for the United States? (Don't ask why, no criminal record on my side, simply lousy diplomatic relations with my country; been there - was rejected for the visa.) So my boyfriend came to visit me 3 times in the last 6 months and we spent 20 days in person in total. We are very much in love and spend long hours doing webcam and voice every day. So how do we move further from here?

We can go back and forth like this for months or years or we can get married (there is no option possible for us to live together before getting married) or we can just break up, which none of us wants. We feel like we finally met the woman/man of our life...So what's the ideal solution? Life is not ideal! I knew my ex-husband for 6.5 years before we started dating and I adored him. We dated for 4 months and everything was great. But when we started living together it was not good at all.

Sometimes you just have to take the risk and admit that you can lose but you might also gain. If you break up then you will lose for sure.

I know that many people don't even consider a LDR, but my boyfriend and I got into it and now we're parts of each other's lives. We can't go back and say "okay, this is all bulls***, let's forget about it!"

I think he is the right one, but he hasn't proposed yet which gives me a heartache...I mean, how long does it have to take? How can he be more sure after he spends like 3 more vacations with me (15-20 days in total). We are just going to have to take the risk. Plus it's very hard to be apart. A few more months and I will feel desperate. I will probably think that he doesn't really love me if he is unsure about us. He is just postponing the inevitable (living together) and making a huge gap between us in terms of trust, love, and passion. I want him to tell me that I am the one, not that we should wait and see. I told him I was worried about our future and that I couldn't go on like this for too long. I feel that I am the one who believes in us as a couple and he is silent about it although he has asked me so many times questions related to getting married (concerning us, of course).

He shows love in every way, with deeds and words. But why doesn't he want to start living with me as soon as possible? Doesn't the distance hurt him as much as it hurts me?

People usually postpone the pain, not the pleasure. Is it possible that he thinks of our marriage as a freedom deprivation and not as the most wonderful thing - to be together?

He is wonderful in every aspect to me, but...How long should I wait?

[Proto]

Originally posted by alphamale

people who get into LDRs are either hiding something or many times they are commitment phobes.

 

Translation:

 

 

"I can't be in an LDR because I have something to hide and I'm a commitment phobe"

 

 

[Rosie]

I agree with Proto up there. Alphamale, speak for yourself.

 

 

I know couples who had 8 years of LDR and finally had it worked out 2 years ago. They're extremely happy right now. I also know a couple who were together for 6 years in an LDR and finally moved to be with each other last year.

 

I know another couple who have been in a LDR for 4 years as of now, they are still extremely happy with each other.

 

 

I've only been in an LDR for half a year, and mine will last for 4 years, but I know I will make it through this.

 

I get into a LDR because I am NOT a commitment phobe and I KNOW I am committed to this guy and we will make it work out. I KNOW compared to the time I will be spending with him after the LDR, 4 years is nothiing, so I am willing to put our relationship on hold for the moment since I will not be able to find another person just like him.

 

 

LDRs have high failure rate, but just look at military spouses and you'll find more success stories than you need.

[moimeme]

We can go back and forth like this for months or years or we can get married (there is no option possible for us to live together before getting married) or we can just break up, which none of us wants.

 

Why can't he go live in your country for a while?

 

Is it possible that he thinks of our marriage as a freedom deprivation and not as the most wonderful thing - to be together?

 

I think it's possible he realizes one ought not marry somebody without having spent more time together.

[RecordProducer]

"Why can't he go live in your country for a while?"

 

Obvioulsy if we didn't consider that option, it means it's not an option. He lives in the US and owns a company. Forty families' incomes depend on his management.

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

"Why can't he go live in your country for a while?"

 

Obvioulsy if we didn't consider that option, it means it's not an option. He lives in the US and owns a company. Forty families' incomes depend on his management.

 

What about immigrating to US on fiancee status? It allows you to get some security ... and him to get to know you better. And you can see what it's like living in the U S of A.

 

[Rosie]

JazzyFox... have you tried immigrating to America?

 

... no? Then,... immigrating to the United States is VERY DIFFICULT. There are many people who are waiting 1~12 years trying to get their residency status. As a Fiancee, she can't even apply. There's just no catagories for Fiances, and even if they do make one it'll be one of extreme low priority, which means she'll be waiting near 10 years at least.

 

America does not welcome immigrants despite popular beliefs. They try making it near impossible for foreigners to naturalize into citizenship.

 

My family waited to get our first conditioned residency status, 5 years after we moved to the US we were forced to reapply under a different catagory because our first one is likely to be rejected after maybe another 5~10 years. The 2nd residency status we applied for is supposely going to be granted in a year, we'll have waited 3 years for the 2nd residency status, and after a total of 8 years of living in the United States, I still have no citizenship. ... Only the naive will suggest immigrating to US on Fiancee status.

[Wings]

Moving to be with the other person - I admire those who leave everything behind to be with the other person.

 

I long for my bf to do the same. But at the same time, is it fair to expect the other person to leave behind everything (family, securities, gym membership ) just for you? AND if the other person does not move over with you, does that mean he doesn't love you?

[RecordProducer]

Wings, people do crazy things for love. We don't know your case enough. maybe he expects you to move to be with him? Maybe he is not ready yet. Maybe he wants the relationship to be more serious than merely living together. There are too many aspects involved and you didn't give us any information.

 

Rosie and Jazzy, I'll give you the legal aspects (I have a PhD in those matters ). We can only live together if we do the fiancée visa or if we get married.

The fiancée visa process can last for 4-6 months, even longer. When you obtain it you can go to the US with the children if you have any, and I have two. Its' a one-entry visa and if the marriage doesn't occur within 90 days since the day of arrival then the fiancé needs to go back to their country.

Whether I will suggest the fiancé visa or just ask him to live together or marry him - it's all the same thing. I can't go there with my kids and see how we work out. I need to know that he has committed to me.

If our love is strong enough, and I see that it is and that he is serious about us just as much as I am, then we'll make our relationship work out.

If the fear from a failure and divorce is so huge that it puts a dark light on your love then you're not ready or even able to love.

We take risks every day that we're not even aware of. Even when you go to college and dream about your future career, you don't really know what it will be like when you graduate and start working. There are no guarantees and sometimes you need to be adventurous.

All these people who achieved an enormous financial success, like Henry Ford or Bill Gates, if they were thinking twice, they wouldn't have been where they are now. Even when you procrastinate you make mistakes. I knew my ex for 7 years before we got married and we divorced. My grandparents knew each other for a week before he proposed to her. They were happy and loved each other to the rest of her life. He is a very difficult man, but loved her and she never regretted marrying him.

[TonyMontana]

I have 4 times experience from LDR for 2,5 years, 3 months, 3 months and again 3 months with my recent girlfriend.

 

Here is a checklist to see if your LDR can work out

 

Key question: Do you love each other? Is your partner the one you want to share the rest of your life with? If your answer is yes, you can go on, if not: no LDR.

 

1. Do you have a realistic plan for the future, for when the 2 of you can be together again?

2. Is meeting let's say every 8 weeks for 5-10 days possible?

3. Can you afford it?

4. Can you call each other EVERY day, and talk on a good phoneline undisturbed, for at least 10 minutes?

5. Can you have at least 2-3 times a week a longer phoneconversation undisturbed for at least 1-2 hours?

6. Can you afford 4 and 5?

7. Do you have the possibility to be together for a longer while (at least 10 days to a month or so)at least once or twice per year?

8. Are both of you busy people, working and/or studying?

9. Are both of you non-jealous?

10. Do both of you think it's worth the sacrifice you have to make by being apart for years, just to be able to be together in the future? With other words: Worth waiting for?

 

If you answer yes to all of the above, then your LDR can have a serious chance to work out. Otherwise, I don't think it will work.

[Curiousguest]

Why does the answer to #8 have to be yes- that you are both busy with work or study?

[Wings]

Hi TonyMontana,

 

Excellent checklist. I think I know what to do now. My next posting, should there be any, will be in "coping" cat. Thanks.

[RecordProducer]

CuriousGuest, I was wondering what the correct answer would be also. I guess you should be unemployed (so that you have enormous amount of free time to fly back and forth from the US to Europe every month), very rich, and basically 100% sure that you will get married and live happily ever after in order that a LDR can last for a couple of years. Oh, and we need to create a long-distance lover's lobby too and fight for better diplomatic relations amongst all countries' governments. (not joking )

Love makes the rules.

 

Anyway, back to TonyMontana's post, I like how you put things like "undisturbed phone conversation for 10 min" and "can you afford it (don't forget the tax)?"

My boyfriend calls me on the phone, but every time he calls he doesn't eat for the next 3 days (saves for phone bill) so he can't call me more than once a week.

 

Seriously, he visited me 3 times in the last 6 months (8, 9, and 3 days), met my children and mother and they get along great. We talk every day for hours in one of the messenger programs (type, voice conversation and/or web camera). I also talk to his family very often. We do have a realistic plan for the future, we trust each other and think that our love is worth the pain.

 

You're right about the unromantic financial obstacle though. If people can't afford to travel, it makes things difficult. I know you just made a list of questions for everyone, not for me specifically, but I obviously dared to answer them. So...did I pass?