Cant leave just yet..what do i do?

[Amilei]

I am unable to leave my abuser just yet. I am working on a plan and hopefully I will be able to walk away emotionally and physically in the next few months. However..how do i cope now. My abuser is a narcissistic psychopath and is notorious for giving the silent treatment? He withholds sex and any form of attention or affection. I crave these things and feel like I am suffering when we are around each other..which happens to be all the time. He hates me and only seeks to punish me all day every day. I'm the dum dum who sometimes kisses his but and tries to be happy. I feel horrible playing the silent treatment and I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sicken to think that he may be giving another woman the love that I am craving from him. I need advice..what works? what can I do while I am working on the strength and finances to leave? do I also just do silent treatment and die inside...I'm not able to do too much as I have young children and I moved here to be with my abuser so I don;t know anyone. When he comes home from work..I don't know what to do. He will most likely give silent treatment today as he blew up again last night. I am so sad and even think about dying almost every day. I just wish this person could love me like I love him. Why? Why is this happening to me? What do I do. :confused:

[tippydog90]

Amilie,

Your abuser sounds so much like my husband and I completely understand how devastating the feeling is. You want so much for them to love you, show you kindness and compassion - yet they are dead inside, emotionless and completely lack empathy. Mine also gave me the silent treatment quite frequently. However, unlike your abuser, mine wanted to continue having sex with me even after he told me he didn't love me, never loved me and only married me to change his living situation at the time. Like I was supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy to him after those cruel words. Mine told me many times he resented me (for what I am still not sure) and was just inherently a very, very angry and controlling man.

 

 

What you need to focus on now is yourself and healing from this trauma. You need to exit that situation as fast as humanly possible. Do you have children with your abuser? Do you have family or friends that will help take you in. If so, I suggest you go now. You need to try and disengage from him as much as possible and believe me, I know how difficult that is. I am still struggling with disengaging from my husband. But believe me, these men THRIVE on attention, negative or positive. So the less attention you give him, the better. Discuss only what is absolutely necessary with him and keep it short. He treatment of you is an attempt at control and an attempt to keep you begging for attention from him. Reverse that course on him and act as though you could care less about attention from him. What he wants you to do is exactly what you are doing right now. Read up on the 180 and incorporate as much as possible.

 

 

Take it from me, these men are incapable of love. The cruelty my husband put me through is profound. Though he rarely screamed, yelled or anything along those lines (did threaten to hit me a few times), his words and actions cut deeply into my heart and spirit. He is incapable of feeling love, compassion, or empathy. The only person he cares about is himself. You sound like you are in the exact situation, or close to it given what you have said. I so wanted my husband to love me as I loved him, but I finally realized he is just not capable of that. Nor is he capable of understanding the deep pain and damage he has caused. It is nothing you have done, it is the way they are wired. Do yourself a favor and understand nothing you do or say will fix this man. Leave and make a better life for yourself and until you can leave, keep it all business and short and simple.

 

 

I wish you well, and I totally understand how devastating this feeling is. you feel worthless, unlovable, and like you don't matter at all. However the opposite is true - you do have value, worth and you do deserve love. Unfortunately you ended up with a man that is incapable of appreciating the love of another.

[beach]

Do you work? Can you go stay with family?

 

Leave now... Not later!!!

[anika99]

you are caught up in thinking that your self worth is somehow dependant n how this jerk treats you. Looking for approval and affection from an abuser is warped thinking. Not saying that as a put down as I've been there. However it is very difficult to successfully end an abusive relationship when the victim is still looking for validation from the abuser.

 

 

The silent treatment is a form abuse but it's not as bad as the raging temper tantrums. After several years of emotional abuse by my ex I came to quite enjoy the silent treatment phases. Once he realized that his silence wasn't actually hurting my feelings anymore he would go back to raging at me so I learned to act all hurt about it when he was in my presence but I secretly liked it.

 

 

In the early years of the relationship his tirades and insults used to completely destroy me. He would leave me feeling like I'd be better off dead. Once I started to see the situation for what it really was and fully realized that his behaviour and his words weren't really about me at all I was able to detach. I saw how stupid it was of me to be looking for love and affection from this abuser who wasn't capable of giving that to anyone, at least not sincerely, and I knew that every minute I spent with him was just another minute lost from my life that I was never going to get back.

 

 

I'd say you could just wait for your feelings for him to turn to contempt, because that will happen eventually, but that might be years away and you have kids that depend on you to protect them. You do not have time to waste here, your kids deserve better. Right now you have to love them more than you love him and do whatever it takes to get away.

 

 

If you don't have anyone you can turn to where you are then go back to wherever you moved from. I do have a lot of empathy for abused women but concern for the kids take precedence over sympathy for the abused mother. You ask "why, why is this happening to me". I ask "why why are you subjecting your children to this?" Go home to your family.