ralfgarnett Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Well I bit the bullet and booked 5 days in Germany next week and going over with a good mate of mine, this is the first time in 20 years that I have been away without my wife, I expect I will have low momenst, sad thoughts wishing she was with me, but although slightly nervous I am looking forward to it god knows I need the break, but for all of you that have done this what advice and tips can you give me in helping to cope while away ? I am not expecting to be pulling up trees, a few beers, fresh air, good food, and my mate is a top bloke who understand my situation very well, I want to relax and clear my head the best I can, I know its only a short break and not expecting miracles I just want to enjoy myself the best I can so all tips and advice are welcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I'm guessing half the battle of this has already been won in that you know you're likely to have some "moments". Going away with a friend will hopefully be enough of a dynamic shift from when you went away with your wife/family that they should be minimal. Enjoy your time - as you say, you deserve/need it. Let the "moments" come, and then pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Thanks for your reply DTM, I was talking to my counsellor about it this morning and she perceives it as a huge positive, I booked the flights and hotel I have done all my washing, ironing, and mostly all my packing, plus I have done loads of research in to places to eat and drink in town, a few months ago I couldn't of done it so she says I should be proud of myself in achieving what I have done in arranging a small holiday, I am just a bit nervous about it all because it was only July that my wife and I separated out of the blue and I think I am still in a bit of shock about it all, which is one of my concerns going away, when I leave the comfort zone of home will it affect me pyshcologically ? Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Yes, it may well effect you - but in a GOOD way :-). We always worry about the bad stuff that might happen, without taking time to daydream about all the good that can come too. I'm not being flippant, at all - I'm exactly the same way! - but you could be about to have the most refreshing, mind clearing, empowering trip ever! Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I think this is an excellent idea and will do you the world of good Ralph and hopefully put things in a different perspective as well as give you a break. Its something thing that I've considered my self but don't really have anybody available to come with me and feel that going on my own might not be a good idea.....but we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Hi Richie I looked at going on my own back in august but as with you I didn't think it a good idea to go alone, I was going to catch the Eurostar to Brussels and potter about the city on the tram network popping in to cafes here and there but nothing came of it and probably for the best, look lets see how things pan out mate because I have a 6 day break booked for December that me and my old pal are now going on but after that who knows but I will need a break next year, possibly we could arrange to meet for a pint in Stoke or somewhere and to make sure we are not lunatics and possibly trip together at some time, I think we both need as many friends as we can get mate, but as I said we will see. Link to post Share on other sites
JosephWhite Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I think it is good for myself when you will tired, then the story is really helpful. But when you want to fell alone with your wife, you most be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Hi Joseph if I knew what you were talking about then I might be able to agree or otherwise but unfortunately I don't understand what your trying to say mate, would you like to try again old boy ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 My sister and friends wanted me to spend the Christmas holidays with them after me and my xH split up (he had an affair). For me it was too soon and I just wanted to stay home with the dog. It was my first Christmas on my own and I survived, in fact I just chilled with a tv, took the dog down the beach and a nice glass of red for the night. What I'm saying is, that you know if its too soon to do something. Sounds to me like you're ready for a holiday now. Of course it will be different and you will have moments remembering your wife and times with her. But make some new memories and try and enjoy Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thanks to you all your very kind and understanding and helping put my mind at rest, flaming Christmas is the next obstacle I detest it under normal circumstances but have a horrid feeling that this year is going to be the worst ever, the only thing that ever made it bareable was being at home chilling out with my wife and our 2 kittys, this year it looks like it will just be me and the 2 kittys with a head full of memories of times gone by, I think I may start missing my mum and dad round then as the last time I was on my own at christams was 20 years ago but now they are both gone and for now so is the love of my life, why is life o cruel and unfair sometimes ? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Dude, I found traveling VERY therapeutic ! I've been around the world and back. And, yeah. The first couple of trips, she'll creep into your head a couple of times. But, I speculate not as much as you think! You're going to be in a new environment, new surroundings and there's going to be nothing there that's going to remind you of her. Nothing there to trigger you too much. So, enjoy it! Don't just GO to Germany, EXPERIENCE Germany! EXPLORE! SOAK IT IN!! Oh, and a good rule. Don't get blasted drunk. You stand a chance of drunk dialing her and that's going to ruin the rest of your trip. So, HAVE FUN!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Good tip CTD, but not too worry I wont be ringing her, but there is a ruddy good chance that I might get blasted day and night, but I wont be telling her where I have been until I get back and then she will get the works no worries on that score Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Well I have decided that today will be my last full day in the office before I go away next week, I honestly think its for the best as this past week or so I have become very unproductive and sluggish and not doing anybody any favours especially myself, in fact I literally just seem to have ground to a halt but I suppose its to be expected all things considered, so time to re-charge my batteries in order to finish off the year with a flourish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Happiness is a decision. Every morning when you wake up you have the ability to decide what kind of day you're going to have. A happy one? Or an unhappy one? A happy one is one where you are PRESENT with the people and places you choose to surround yourself with, you are confident in your self and your own abilities, especially those to stand on your own two feet, and you continuously decide to stay in the PRESENT moment. Thoughts back into the past and what could have been or what one did right or wrong and what have you bring UNhappiness. Dwelling even on the happy times you had with one another can bring unhappiness, so stay in the now and keep reminding yourself to do so. Just because a spouse of 20 years decided to leave does not obligate you to be unhappy, or to fret, or to be otherwise hurt or emotional about it. You are an individual, find him again, let him come forth. Choose happiness. And joy. It's okay. You deserve it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Off topic but I just have to say, you Brits are so funny the way you converse, I just love it! Thanks for the laughs. I need them Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Off topic but I just have to say, you Brits are so funny the way you converse, I just love it! Thanks for the laughs. I need them Hi GSS I'm very glad that you find us entertaining, please can you tell me from what country do you come ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Yes, sorry, I haven't updated my profile yet. I'm in the US. Also, want to share a tip with you. Doesn't even matter whether you are divorced or not yet. Get into the habit of calling her by her name or by the term "the Ex" or anything other than the possessive "MY wife," "MY ex-wife," or "MY" anything. This will help you get emotional distance. Remember, each of you were individuals before you wed. It's OK to go back to being individuals again, in fact, it's advisable. Another trick, good to do this exercise while on holiday: Spend some time thinking about yourself when you were a kid. What were your favorite things to do back then? Did you enjoy sports? drawing? eating? etc? Try to remember who you were, what you loved and enjoyed, before you wed. There are many exercises like these that will get you, and your heart, and your mood very far, very fast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 I will never call her my ex because she will never be my ex wife we are not getting divorced she will be my wife for always and I will love her for always, I will never ever lose hope that we can sort things out, she has been round this evening and I saw changes in her mood and demeanour, I will never give up its not over until its over and that will only be when they put the lid on either of our coffins. I struggle to think about my childhood as I have no family left alive I am completely on my own in life, the sooner it ends the better. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Your response makes me sad. I'm not sure your story but I hope someday you will be able to move on with your life. I thought the same thing about not having anything really to live for, just this morning. I understand completely about having no family to speak of; none here either. But the thing about life is, you never know what the future will bring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Thanks god bless Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Well tomorrow is the big day and I'm feeling a bit nervous, not only is it the first time leaving the kitties with the neighbour but also the first time in 20 years that I have been away without my wife, feeling a bit jittery I just hope that I'm doing the right thing, wish me luck everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Have a great time Ralph, I think your doing exactly the right thing and really there's not much to lose by giving yourself this break......bon voyage mate Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Thanks Rich, just feeling very nervous today, I deliberately took today out of the business so I could prepare my final arrangemnts, went out for a couple of beers now hving a large vodka to calm me down, also had to take 2 of my buspirone to keep me calm, I pray that everything will be ok, I need to take this step as much as I miss her I am going to live my life as I like with or without her and that includes travel, hopefully once I have got this one out of the way the next one next month will be a bit easier, as you know I am going away with a good pal of mine we have been mates since about 1988 and he is a solid rock of support, this trip we were going to share a room but I thought that as it is my first one without her then I will go for single rooms so I have the company in the day and evenings but also get a taste of travelling alone and being in a single room in case I need to make trips alone in the future does this make sense ? Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 About three months after my husband and I separated, I went away for a week - all alone. It was the first time I had ever done that and it felt alien BUT it was also a cathartic experience. Allowing me to feel confident that I could be "alone" and be OK with that. I'm sure the fact you have such a good friend to share with experience with, will make it an overall good thing for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Thank you DTM XX Link to post Share on other sites
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