Improving Phoe

[Phoe]

I would like to start this by saying I am in no way close to being ready to date. I typically wait anywhere from 6 months to 6 years between dates, and with that said I intend to not try dating again until probably 2016.

 

I want to spend 2015 bettering myself.

 

It's no secret, I suck at dating. I'm the common denominator.

 

I've dated nothing but bad quality guys. Guys who cheated, left me, disrespected me, physically and verbally abused me. My most recent ex is the best I've ever had, which shows me I'm on the right track, but not there yet.

 

The issue is that these were the only men pursuing me. I wasn't turning men down in favor of the bad ones, they were all I got. And my own pursuits got rejected.

 

I need help. Brutal point blank honesty. I need to become a better person, and I need to stop stubbornly believing that by being myself I'll find the right guy.

 

I need to accept I can still be myself, while tweaking and altering things about myself. Being stubborn will be my downfall.

 

I need to improve everything. From looks, to demeanor, to mentality, to profession. None of what I'm currently doing is conducive to finding the right person.

 

I'd love constructive criticism and help. Men and women alike. Help me make 2015 the year of Phoe.

[Priv]

Ok let's start at the basics.

 

 

-Lil monster, is it potty trained?

-How often do you go out as a zombie? My guess, not enough.

-The COD shirt. Do you just look the part OR are you actually good at the game. This is important damnit, pay attention!

-Do you keep any chuckwallas around? Those little critters are the road to enlightement. Just look at them. They are so serene.

 

 

Little less basics. How is your demeanor to people? How do you come off? Looks are fine. Mentality wise I find you have a bit of a low self esteem and I am not sure where that comes from. Do you? I believe I read somewhere you are doing a masters or have done a masters in archeology and would like to work in a museum. What do you do now? And what is stopping you from getting there.

[me85]

Great for you Phoe! I'm with you all the way. I'm not interested in getting into another RS for a while.

 

I want to better myself too. I mostly want to strengthen my spirituality and my health. I need to stop smoking and only drink on occasion, in moderation. Not every day like I've been doing.

 

I do get very lonely and not having any affection/sex whatsoever is way harsh but I've gone more than 3 months without it now, so...in the words of Forrest Gump: "Might as well keep on goin."

 

When people recognize that they themselves need to change, that's a pretty incredible realization. It's great that you can admit that you need to improve. We all have room to improve. BUT you should do it for you, not to "attract the right guy."

 

As long as you're ultimately improving yourself for you and not to appeal more to better types of men, then that's wonderful. If not... /=

[MissBee]

It seems you're on the right track by wanting to work on yourself versus just thinking a new man will solve your problems, so that's already a start.

 

One thing I've noticed with your posts over the times I've read them is that you've admitted that you date "low quality" men with no job, no education etc. You also have said, and I don't know if it's proudly, but it came off that way, that you're not very picky about who you date and your standards are low in comparison to most women.

 

I have always thought it very odd and for me that would be the first thing I'd investigate. Why it is that you almost seem to feel bad with possibly raising your standards or think it's okay to have low standards or that for example, a man spending $15 on you as the highest is fine. Note, I'm not saying you should be using money as a marker of value, I'm just using that as one of the things you've said which to me seem to all fit into this theme of you not really demanding much, not asking for much, dating low quality men but saying it's okay and wondering why for you you don't want more? Is it that you don't want it or you're scared you can't have it so you settle?

 

If you're just settling and thinking requiring very little of a man or just accepting ANY man as your bf is fine...I'd explore that. You've also said stuff about if any man asks you out you'll go and I was like huh?! I know that sometimes people who have low self worth for whatever reason, usually family or origins issues, tend to not be very demanding, tend to try to be go with the flow types, tend to feel almost wrong asking for respect and wanting nice things or even nice people so accept so much less. The worse part is, as you've experienced, even when you date "low quality men" they can still cheat, lie, abuse and disrespect so might as well raise your standards then if you're gonna be mistreated by losers.

 

Those are just my observations. I also had to go through about a 2 year journey of figuring out why I attracted certain kinds of men and realized it was me and my own issues of self worth which led me into certain relationships. Once I changed that the quality of men I dated drastically improved, as I demanded certain things, I gave off a certain air, I knew more of what I was worth so didn't accept less etc. It's still a work in progress but leaps and bounds from where it was.

 

So that would be my suggestion. Begin by writing down what you have to offer, what you want to work on, then be honest about if you could have ANY MAN you want, forget if it is realistic or not, just write it down, and write down what qualities he would have, how he would treat you, how he would make you feel, what kind of work he would do, activities he would like, personality he has, how he acts when he is mad etc. I had a counselor who encouraged me to do this then from that list figure out what I valued and wanted most and then go from there to figure out why I couldn't have it. It was a very helpful exercise. I also had to write down the qualities good and bad of the men I dated and compare them to what I wanted to see the discrepancy and it helped me to figure out why even though I wanted X I settled for Y....

 

I think starting there would help you to figure out a bunch of stuff about perhaps subconscious reasons why you end up with these guys or willingly choose low quality men or speak as though you don't have a right to choose better people.

[Taramere]

From your posts, Phoe, I've had the general impression that you have low confidence in yourself - and perhaps try overly hard at times to avoid the kind of criticism that men commonly dish out about women. You don't have to be perfect, and there will always be critics out there - no matter how hard you try. It's not the end of the world if you piss men off at times, and a guy being grouchy, or unresponsive, isn't necessarily a sign that you've failed.

 

I suspect from some of the posts of yours that I've seen, that you take a bit too much responsibility for guys' feelings, responses and issues. Which is by no means uncommon. A partner who takes that kind of responsibility is exactly what somebody of a narcissistic leaning is looking for....and I think as long as you keep doing it, you'll keep attracting men of that calibre. I'm betting that initially they "reward" and validate you for doing it, and then at some point once they feel like they have you well and truly in their pocket, that's when they stop bothering with the reward and validation and just proceed with the disrespect.

 

What you're saying in this post is "I'm going to try even harder." I think perhaps you might be better served trying less hard. I mean by all means focus on doing well at work, staying healthy, being well groomed etc. These are all things that will help you succeed in various areas. But doing it because you want to be some guy's perfect girlfriend? I think if that's the motivation, you'll keep attracting jerks who have a strong sense of entitlement and won't bother to reward your efforts in kind (ie by putting in similar effort themselves).

 

This board is full of criticism about common things women do. You seem quite successful generally in avoiding those much criticised (by some of the men here) behaviours - but is doing that getting you a good quality of man? From what you're saying it isn't. Perhaps it's time to stop focusing on "any way in which Phoe might not be perfect" and start thinking more about the kind of boundaries you need to lay down which might result in less positive initial responses from men (and which might even seem to annoy them)...but longer term, will probably get you more respect from a better class of man.

[CrystalCastles]

Everything MissBee said.

 

Plus, I'd start looking for a non-minimum wage job if I were you, in a more-populated place, somewhere that isn't where you live right now. It seems your options are also limited because there aren't a whole ton of people who live in your area.

 

I don't know if you stopped looking for a job related to your interest after you got a no from the museum, but if that's the case, then frankly I'm baffled. You spent a lot of money on undergrad, studied for years to do what? Work a minimum wage doing hard labour? Seems like a waste.

 

Also, by getting a job in your field of interest, you're actually going to enjoy work because you'll be doing something you like. And you'll be meeting people in your area of interest as well, and potential love interests too!

 

You need to be actively looking- send tons of resumes and CVs, and don't just give up if you get one no. You'll have a much more satisfying job if you look for one that's related to what you studied in university.

[writergal]

Phoe while I think it is helpful to ask people here for feedback, you need to remember that none of us know you offline -- we only have a profile of who we *think* you are, based on the content and individual interpretation of your posts.

 

The best way to improve yourself, is to do some self-analysis of your dating/breakup habits.

 

If you know what your dating weaknesses are, find ways to solve those weaknesses.

 

For example, if you know that unemployed/abusive men are attracted to you, then the solution is not to date them. Where do you meet these guys? Online? Meetups? Through your hobbies? Through friends or family?

 

Take some time to think about and pinpoint what has been influencing your bad relationship choices with men. Then make corrections so that you don't continue to date these same types of men who take advantage of you financially, sexually and emotionally.

 

Don't let yourself make excuses for these guys anymore. That's what's called a "dating rut," when you repeat the same dating mistakes, which doesn't lead you anywhere new. Try to date smarter. Know exactly what kind of guy you want to date/don't want to date based on your past dating experience. Try to figure out why you want to take care of these men who take advantage of you. What is missing from your own life (if anything is), that makes you feel nurturing these lost causes will make you a better person?

 

Also, do you have a type you are always attracted to? Maybe if you try to date against your own type, you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

I think if you focus on making yourself happy, focus on recognizing and then avoiding the dating patterns of being with men who are dysfunctional and wrong for you, then eventually you will learn to recognize the good guys from these awful guys you seem to end up with who mooch off of your good nature.

[Phoe]

Son of a biscuit.

 

I tried to multi quote and address everyone in one post, but my silly tablet couldn't handle it and froze three times. I've got to head off to physical therapy soon (let's rip Phoe's ankle off, yeah?) but if I can get my laptop to cooperate after, I'll make one big post, if not, I'll have to respond individually. Grr Sorry!

[OwMyEyeball]

Have you considered moving out of the Mojave Desert? Sounds like the kind of place where you won't find many people ... or at least much variety in the kind of people you meet.

 

My recommendation would be to travel. Get out of Dodge and go see what's out there. For a lot of us the issue isn't so much ourselves, but our environment. You might not really need to change much of anything other than where you call home. After that the rest will fall into place much more smoothly.

[Maleficent]

I think you're being a wee bit too hard on yourself...

 

I get the whole bettering yourself, by all means, but why a complete overhaul? From what you've posted here on LS, you seem like a very sweet person. If this is your picture in avatar you are also very beautiful.

 

Based on what happened to you in the past few weeks, I think spending some time alone would do you some good, but don't spend that time trying to change yourself thinking you are 'bettering' yourself.

 

Take this time do to stuff you love, stuff you always wanted to do, stuff that will make you happy. Take this time to learn to make yourself happy so you can be happy with someone else eventually.

If you can't make yourself happy, you can't expect someone else to be able to make you happy.

 

The rest will happen naturally.

[Toodaloo]

I would like to start this by saying I am in no way close to being ready to date. I typically wait anywhere from 6 months to 6 years between dates, and with that said I intend to not try dating again until probably 2016. Good on you. Its good to have a break and just concentrate on you for a bit.

 

I've dated nothing but bad quality guys. Guys who cheated, left me, disrespected me, physically and verbally abused me. My most recent ex is the best I've ever had, which shows me I'm on the right track, but not there yet. Well you are getting better! So that is positive. Time to write your rules...

 

The issue is that these were the only men pursuing me. I wasn't turning men down in favor of the bad ones, they were all I got. And my own pursuits got rejected.

 

I need help. Brutal point blank honesty. I need to become a better person, and I need to stop stubbornly believing that by being myself I'll find the right guy. OK - you need to be yourself to find the right guy. If you fake who you are it will be a disaster. However you need to be more confident in who you are and your value as a person so you cut the cr@p out right at the begining before any new relationship goes anywhere

 

I need to accept I can still be myself, while tweaking and altering things about myself. Being stubborn will be my downfall. The only things you should tweak are your approach and your attitude of accepting whatever you get given. Your next relationship must be your choice and so you need to be sure your making a positive one. Being stubborn will go in your favour as you are going to need it to get through the quagmire especially if you try internet dating...

 

I need to improve everything. From looks, balls - hairy ones that are dangling about the knees. if that pic is you then you have sod all to worry about looks.

to demeanor, I don't know how you are in RL. On here you are a bit timid and backward despite having some great ideas and view points it sometimes feels that you are not overly sure of your self

to mentality, Yep this is the biggest - start reading self help books along the lines of how to find the right guy, books on unavailable men and how to spot them, books on how not to be a door mat and grow a pair, books on flirting everything and everything then practice what they say and try out the ideas they give you.

to profession. What is wrong with your job? I thought you enjoyed your job?

None of what I'm currently doing is conducive to finding the right person.

 

I'd love constructive criticism and help. Men and women alike. Help me make 2015 the year of Phoe.

 

Bits in bold but also...

 

Phoe, you have many positive aspects to you but you fail to realise them or allow them to come out. Instead you tuck yourself away in a corner and every now and then come out with an absolute gem. You need to start being proud of who you are.

 

I suggest that you go and get as many self help books as you can read through mark up the bits that you need to pay attention to and read them again. Go out and challenge yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? When you look at yourself in the mirror who do you want to be looking straight back at you? Time to learn to be that person and learn how to be comfortable in yourself.

 

I suspect that you could do with some lessons in being a bit girley so grab some girl friends and practice! Go shopping and find clothes that you feel comfortable in but are more feminine than your usual. Push yourself. Try nail varnish (I recommend the stuff that dries in 60 seconds so you don't get fed up and start doing other stuff while it dries).

 

Finally no more of this settling for what ever comes along carp! Next chap is going to be one that at least makes and effort to please you both in and out of the bedroom. The next one is going to be one with whom you can laugh until you cry, carry you across puddles and in general go out of his way to ensure you are happy. Once you are sure of this you can slip back into being the all caring giving girl...

 

Hit the books, hit the beauty counter, hit the gym or take up some form of exercise that you enjoy and get out and make friends.

[Phoe]

How is your demeanor to people? How do you come off? Looks are fine. Mentality wise I find you have a bit of a low self esteem and I am not sure where that comes from. Do you? I believe I read somewhere you are doing a masters or have done a masters in archeology and would like to work in a museum. What do you do now? And what is stopping you from getting there.

 

I can't quite say what my demeanor is. Perhaps a bit nerdy, dorky, eccentric. I'm not shy, and I'm definitely sassy. I know people have an impression on this forum that I'm a meek doormat, but I am not that way IRL. This forum is the place where I vent my insecurities, so that they don't manifest themselves IRL. I'm strong, enthusiastic, and unafraid IRL.

 

My masters is on hold right now. I don't have the money to finish school. I'm stuck at a minimum wage hard labor job, that barely gets me by. I'm regularly applying for other jobs, but have had no luck the past 2 years.

 

When people recognize that they themselves need to change, that's a pretty incredible realization. It's great that you can admit that you need to improve. We all have room to improve. BUT you should do it for you, not to "attract the right guy."

 

As long as you're ultimately improving yourself for you and not to appeal more to better types of men, then that's wonderful. If not... /=

 

I'm happy with myself, and have always worked on being who I want to be, but who I am is turning men off. I'm not in a hurry, but I'd like to be married, maybe with children, in 10 years. I wouldn't really fancy being alone 10 years from now. So the idea of bettering myself, overall, is for ensuring myself a good future.

 

One thing I've noticed with your posts over the times I've read them is that you've admitted that you date "low quality" men with no job, no education etc. You also have said, and I don't know if it's proudly, but it came off that way, that you're not very picky about who you date and your standards are low in comparison to most women.

 

I have always thought it very odd and for me that would be the first thing I'd investigate. Why it is that you almost seem to feel bad with possibly raising your standards or think it's okay to have low standards or that for example, a man spending $15 on you as the highest is fine. Note, I'm not saying you should be using money as a marker of value, I'm just using that as one of the things you've said which to me seem to all fit into this theme of you not really demanding much, not asking for much, dating low quality men but saying it's okay and wondering why for you you don't want more? Is it that you don't want it or you're scared you can't have it so you settle?

 

If you're just settling and thinking requiring very little of a man or just accepting ANY man as your bf is fine...I'd explore that. You've also said stuff about if any man asks you out you'll go and I was like huh?! The worse part is, as you've experienced, even when you date "low quality men" they can still cheat, lie, abuse and disrespect so might as well raise your standards then if you're gonna be mistreated by losers.

Once I changed that the quality of men I dated drastically improved, as I demanded certain things, I gave off a certain air, I knew more of what I was worth so didn't accept less etc. It's still a work in progress but leaps and bounds from where it was.

 

So that would be my suggestion. Begin by writing down what you have to offer, what you want to work on, then be honest about if you could have ANY MAN you want, forget if it is realistic or not, just write it down, and write down what qualities he would have, how he would treat you, how he would make you feel, what kind of work he would do, activities he would like, personality he has, how he acts when he is mad etc. I had a counselor who encouraged me to do this then from that list figure out what I valued and wanted most and then go from there to figure out why I couldn't have it. It was a very helpful exercise. I also had to write down the qualities good and bad of the men I dated and compare them to what I wanted to see the discrepancy and it helped me to figure out why even though I wanted X I settled for Y....

 

The hard part is knowing where to start.

 

How do I start caring about things, when I never cared in the first place? How do I force myself to be critical about something, when realistically I don't care one bit?

 

It's a combination of having very few options and not wanting to waste an opportunity, and feeling like there's no real REASON for me to turn anyone down. If I created some list of ideals and standards and requirements, I would've never ever gone on a date, because not a single man I've dated would've measured up. So I adjust my expectations, to fit my "league" so to speak.

 

It's like the concept men often get told. If you're approaching nothing but hotties, and constantly get rejected, you're going out of your league, and need to readjust. Mine's the same concept.

 

From your posts, Phoe, I've had the general impression that you have low confidence in yourself - and perhaps try overly hard at times to avoid the kind of criticism that men commonly dish out about women. You don't have to be perfect, and there will always be critics out there - no matter how hard you try. It's not the end of the world if you piss men off at times, and a guy being grouchy, or unresponsive, isn't necessarily a sign that you've failed.

 

What you're saying in this post is "I'm going to try even harder." I think perhaps you might be better served trying less hard. I mean by all means focus on doing well at work, staying healthy, being well groomed etc. These are all things that will help you succeed in various areas. But doing it because you want to be some guy's perfect girlfriend? I think if that's the motivation, you'll keep attracting jerks who have a strong sense of entitlement and won't bother to reward your efforts in kind (ie by putting in similar effort themselves).

 

This board is full of criticism about common things women do. You seem quite successful generally in avoiding those much criticised (by some of the men here) behaviours - but is doing that getting you a good quality of man? From what you're saying it isn't. Perhaps it's time to stop focusing on "any way in which Phoe might not be perfect" and start thinking more about the kind of boundaries you need to lay down which might result in less positive initial responses from men (and which might even seem to annoy them)...but longer term, will probably get you more respect from a better class of man.

 

I think my avoiding criticism from men stems from my father. He raised me as a tomboy, and sort of groomed me to be very independent, not girly, and to be very capable and skilled in many things... I would often hear complaints about the way "stereotypical women" were, and grew up wanting to not be like that. I thought if I deviated from the "stereotypical woman", that I heard being complained about so much, that I'd be liked. But it backfired a bit, and I remember in high school my father telling me "You're going to have a hard time finding boyfriends. You're going to have a hard time finding men who will like you. You may never get married" - and I didn't understand WHY he was saying these things, but it stung so bad, and I felt like I just was not good enough. At all. I knew I was loved very much, but I felt like some sort of odd black sheep.

 

A lot of what my father said and did, was him wanting me to grow a thick skin. And I definitely did. Most hits roll right off me these days.

 

 

Plus, I'd start looking for a non-minimum wage job if I were you, in a more-populated place, somewhere that isn't where you live right now. It seems your options are also limited because there aren't a whole ton of people who live in your area.

 

I don't know if you stopped looking for a job related to your interest after you got a no from the museum, but if that's the case, then frankly I'm baffled. You spent a lot of money on undergrad, studied for years to do what? Work a minimum wage doing hard labour? Seems like a waste.

 

Also, by getting a job in your field of interest, you're actually going to enjoy work because you'll be doing something you like. And you'll be meeting people in your area of interest as well, and potential love interests too!

 

You need to be actively looking- send tons of resumes and CVs, and don't just give up if you get one no. You'll have a much more satisfying job if you look for one that's related to what you studied in university.

 

Getting a new job is #1 on my list, but it's just not happening.

 

I'm definitely actively looking. Every week, new resumes and applications. When I'm feeling particularly desparate to get out of my current situation, I walk directly into a building with my resume. But no one even gives me an interview. I always succeed when I get an interview, but getting an interview in the first place is the hard part.

 

I don't picture myself getting a job in my field, until I complete my masters, and I can't complete my masters, until I have a better job to fund schooling. I'm just barely making it by right now.

 

The best way to improve yourself, is to do some self-analysis of your dating/breakup habits.

 

For example, if you know that unemployed/abusive men are attracted to you, then the solution is not to date them. Where do you meet these guys? Online? Meetups? Through your hobbies? Through friends or family?

 

Take some time to think about and pinpoint what has been influencing your bad relationship choices with men. Then make corrections so that you don't continue to date these same types of men who take advantage of you financially, sexually and emotionally.

 

Also, do you have a type you are always attracted to? Maybe if you try to date against your own type, you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

I suppose my issue with making the decision not to date these men, is that if I had done so, I never would've dated at all. That is, logically, what my brain is telling me. If those were the only men who ever approached me in the past, had I said no, would other men have stepped up, who otherwise didn't when I was accepting of the lousy men? Or would I have just never dated? Ever?

 

It's just odd for me to imagine that had I turned down those men, better men would've stepped up...

 

I don't have a type. All my exes are rather different. Overall, if I had a preference, it would be for the nerdy type.

 

Have you considered moving out of the Mojave Desert? Sounds like the kind of place where you won't find many people ... or at least much variety in the kind of people you meet.

 

My recommendation would be to travel. Get out of Dodge and go see what's out there. For a lot of us the issue isn't so much ourselves, but our environment. You might not really need to change much of anything other than where you call home. After that the rest will fall into place much more smoothly.

 

I'd LOVE to move out of here, but it's not financially possible. I can't afford the cost of living anywhere else, nor have I gotten any job offers elsewhere. I am stuck for now.

 

I'd love to travel, but like the living situation, it's out of my reach financially. I work very hard for minimum wage earnings, pay my bills, and have maybe $100 left over. I'm slowly saving so that someday I might take a long roadtrip, or a world cruise. Just see everything...

 

I think you're being a wee bit too hard on yourself...

 

I get the whole bettering yourself, by all means, but why a complete overhaul? From what you've posted here on LS, you seem like a very sweet person. If this is your picture in avatar you are also very beautiful.

 

Based on what happened to you in the past few weeks, I think spending some time alone would do you some good, but don't spend that time trying to change yourself thinking you are 'bettering' yourself.

 

If you can't make yourself happy, you can't expect someone else to be able to make you happy.

 

The rest will happen naturally.

 

I'm definitely happy with who I am, I just can't find others who are happy with who I am. I suppose I need some sort of compromise where I can be attractive to others, and still be happy with myself.

 

I suggest that you go and get as many self help books as you can read through mark up the bits that you need to pay attention to and read them again. Go out and challenge yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? When you look at yourself in the mirror who do you want to be looking straight back at you? Time to learn to be that person and learn how to be comfortable in yourself.

 

I suspect that you could do with some lessons in being a bit girley so grab some girl friends and practice! Go shopping and find clothes that you feel comfortable in but are more feminine than your usual. Push yourself. Try nail varnish (I recommend the stuff that dries in 60 seconds so you don't get fed up and start doing other stuff while it dries).

 

Hit the books, hit the beauty counter, hit the gym or take up some form of exercise that you enjoy and get out and make friends.

 

See, the thing is, I AM who I want to be. Save for the insecurities, I spent a good chunk of my late teens and early twenties focusing on being the kind of person I wanted to be, and I am happy with what I achieved. The problem is that the "ME" that I worked hard to be, the person I am that makes me the happiest, is not attractive to men, romantically. I feel as though I've got to start over and create a new "me", with new knowledge about what men desire in a partner, and mold that around a version of myself that still allows me to be happy.

 

I wouldn't mind doing some self-help reading. I know it's not much of a self-help book, but I remember reading "He's just not that into you" about 2 years ago, and it really opened up my eyes and helped me accept things.

 

As far as beauty and such is concerned, I'm actually really good with makeup and hair, I've been told countless times that I should pursue a cosmetology career. The thing is, I just have no desire to do those things on a daily basis. I curled my hair, wore full makeup, and wore sundresses almost every day in college, and it never did any good, so when I noticed zero difference by wearing very little makeup, and just leaving my hair natural or up, I saw NO incentive to spend money and an extra hour in the morning to doll myself up. It never made a difference. In fact, I did my hair today, and wore full makeup today, and I'm not sure why I bothered, lol. I dunno. Maybe I'll try it as some sort of experiment.

 

Nail polish, I do have a nice collection of it. My toenails are always perfectly pedicured, but no one sees them. I see no point in painting my fingernails, because I work a very physically demanding job, and nail polish gets ravished after just one day. I figure my nails looks better when they're natural, groomed, filed, than if they've got ratty chipped polish on them.

 

I dunno though. I feel conflicted. Men say they like natural, but then on this forum I often get asked "do you wear makeup and do your hair? If not, start doing so" - so I don't know what to do. I wear powder, blush and mascara everyday, but maybe I need more. Maybe I'll stand out more if I wear more. I feel like a big part of my problem looks wise is that I just blend in with every other woman. Nothing makes me stand out. I just fade into the background.

 

As far as the gym goes, I'm actually a bit of a gym rat, I'm in there several days a week. I'm sure I could use some extra work, push a little harder, my body definitely could improve, but the biggest benefit from the gym is what it does for me mentally.

[MissBee]

 

The hard part is knowing where to start.

 

How do I start caring about things, when I never cared in the first place? How do I force myself to be critical about something, when realistically I don't care one bit?

 

It's a combination of having very few options and not wanting to waste an opportunity, and feeling like there's no real REASON for me to turn anyone down. If I created some list of ideals and standards and requirements, I would've never ever gone on a date, because not a single man I've dated would've measured up. So I adjust my expectations, to fit my "league" so to speak.

 

It's like the concept men often get told. If you're approaching nothing but hotties, and constantly get rejected, you're going out of your league, and need to readjust. Mine's the same concept.

 

 

For me, it's hard to fathom how you can not care one bit about the quality of person you're sleeping with, possibly having children with, spending a bulk of your time with. I think where to start is figuring out why for something SO IMPORTANT you have no opinion about it or don't care....that's something important you can begin to think about.

 

There are lots of real reasons to turn people down and I will tell you what I tell the poster somedude, he also thinks having very loose standards will help him in dating, it hasn't, it hasn't helped you either. Haing MORE standards and figuring out reasons to turn people down actually helps you. When you don't have any, the first thing it does is signal that you're a bit desperate and ANYTHING will suffice and when such is the case you end up attracting people who will treat you in any kind of way since you seem to have no base line and no concept of what is acceptable or not. Tamere mentioned boundaries and becoming more strict about yours, and I totally agree.

 

People who have stricter standards, as counterintuitive as it seems, fare better in dating. They tend to get people they want and people who are decent. Folks who don't care get people who also don't care and who are all over the place. You not caring hasn't produced desirable effects now has it? So perhaps trying the opposite and seeing how that works would be a good exercise.

 

I also agree that maybe it's where you live and maybe you need to make a huge change, like moving to a different city where you're surrounded by different types of men where your options would be a lot more and where you don't have to lower your standards because no one would fit...and in a way, the attitude you should have is "If no one fits...then they just don't and so be it" instead of having NO standard so everyone fits but they are all still pretty awful partners.

 

The uneducated jobless men you speak of...how are they in your league unless you are also uneducated and jobless? I remember you saying you've never dated a man who was even college educated. Now, I am not saying that only men with the same level of education are those you should date, but it's pretty weird when you're actually not dating in your league AT ALL, you're actually dating lower than your league in your case it seems. I HATE the language of leagues personally, but let's go with it since you mentioned it, if you are educated and have a job for example, dating in your league would at MINIMUM mean dating other guys with BAs and jobs, the jobless and the uneducated are not in the same league. As a college educated woman with a job, you must be able to meet men who are the same...and if not, maybe it's where you live or your own feelings about yourself where you don't even feel "worthy" of someone "on your level."

 

But largely, you just seem like a giving person, and as Taramere says, one who gives too much to people who aren't worth it, who don't validate you, or at least not for long, and where you're scared to assert any wants, desires, standards or anything. I think you'd benefit from being MORE stringent and less easy going in the world of dating. You're currently not picky at all and it hasn't been that successful so I'd try to be more so...like I said, you're focused on no guy like this exists etc...but as I said, the exercise is to pause thinking about those things for a minute and just imagine if the world were your oyster what would you hope for. Phoe, you MUST have some idea of how you want to be treated, what you'd like your life to look like with a partner etc. But if you have difficulty even just imagining the qualities of a partner, that itself can alert you to the fact that you're maybe underdeveloped in that area and should work on it.

 

My dating life isn't perfect but I can say that I do have my needs, wants and absolute dealbreakers which guide me and which I judge the suitability of partners on and it makes my life a lot easier and attracts good men, even if in the end we aren't a match, at least they meet some minimum standards: education, jobs, treat me well. Sure it means that every Tom, Dick and Harry won't fit, but you know what? That's GREAT for me! I don't want every and any guy, jobless, uneducated, living with mom, drug addict and the list goes on just because he asked me out. My life is great as is and a partner should ADD POSITIVELY not take away. I shouldn't be walking on egg shells, shouldn't have to be his mom, shouldn't have to drive him around, shouldn't have to take verbal abuse, manipulation etc. You said you have no problems being alone...that's great...if that's the case then it kinda doesn't make sense that you're scared to have requirements or else you'd never get a date. I'd rather be alone personally than date men who aren't adding positively to my life. As I said though, you'd be surprised, that actually becoming stricter may increase the good men you meet, every Tom Dick and Harry you might have let by may not get by, but you'll also dodge A LOT of bullets that way and find that the men who do end up meeting your standards are higher quality and thus better relationship material.

[CrystalCastles]

Excellent, Phoe!

 

I'm very pleased to hear you are actively looking, that's very important! About masters, I agree. Generally it is more possible to get a job with a masters than an undergrad, and you will be paid better. Have you looked at scholarships? How was your average back in undergrad, good? If so, you have a chance to get scholarships that can fund your masters. If not, you can also apply for bursaries. A lot of scholarships and bursaries never get applied for because people simply don't know about them well enough.

 

It sounds like American universities are also harder on people financially, so perhaps consider moving to another country? Look into Canadian schools. I am biased, yeah, but generally its easier I think (based on what I heard from others). Most of the major schools here take you on for grad school, and you don't pay a cent for the duration of your degree. You "pay" by teaching (TAships) undergrads. The money you get from the school covers the cost of your living and research. You don't have to be stuck in the Mojave desert with nothing on the horizon. There are people I know who have come to Canada from the Soviet Union when it fell, with not a cent and a big family to feed. They got through it, went to grad school and now are living comfortably. My own father went through the same thing. Its possible to find avenues where, despite being poor, you can still get higher education. Maybe not in the States, but in other places.

 

As for the tomboy thing. I'm as tomboy as you can get. I dress in plaid shirts, t shirts, and hiking boots or converse. I never wear makeup or do my hair besides a braid. I love sports, hiking, camping, getting dirty. I've only recently started wearing sexy panties when I met my man. He loves me the way I am. If you are a tomboy, that is perfectly fine. That is you. If some guy thinks he can open his gob and tell you how to dress, or that you look "butch" or you're a "carpetmuncher" (wtf is that?), give him the middle finger salute and carry on like he never spoken. There are men (lots, actually) who have thought me sexy and beautiful despite the fact that I go to the gym on a regular basis, that I'm muscular and strong and can keep up with them. I've gone on dates with quite a few guys who loved it when I talked to them about science, philosophy, history and literature.

 

There are guys who like girls who put in tons of effort into appearance and all that. But there are guys whose idea of a perfect date is taking a girl out hiking to a secret, sunny rock and having a picnic. There are guys who want an intelligent, well-educated girl who isn't afraid of having an opinion. You don't need to change yourself to suit some guy's preferences or become more girly because someone told you that's what a woman is. You don't need to be a flighty princess for a man to find you attractive. You just need to be yourself, tomboy and all, and some guy out there, when he meets you, is going to thank his lucky stars that he did.

 

You do, however, need to try weeding out more people. Your standards are not very high, no offense. You've posted on here about men who never paid for you. I get that you don't want to feel entitled, but IME, when you're dating a man who calls himself your boyfriend and claims to be in love with you, is it that hard and unpleasant for him to take you out once in a while? I can't really relate to the mentality of these guys, I enjoy spending money on someone I love, being stingy is not really loving. You also have dated (mostly?) guys who were unemployed. Were they looking for jobs? Were they being proactive about it? I know you just want to accept everyone and give everyone a chance, but the problem with that, is that you give losers a chance too. You need to have higher standards to weed bad people out. You can't be so accepting at your own expense.

[CrystalCastles]

People who have stricter standards, as counterintuitive as it seems, fare better in dating.

 

Well said!

 

And this last part is true. Because by having higher standards, you weed out more quickly people who aren't right for you. Therefore you don't waste time with the wrong guys and become more quickly available to the right ones.

[Phoe]

Well, the easiest thing to start improving, is looks. The outward attractiveness to get someone's attention in the first place. IRL, men are passing on me. Before I get a chance to even show "ME" to a guy, I've got to get him interested.

 

I'm nerdy, a bit tomboyish, and have a simple, minimalistic style, and I like to play off of that. I don't do gaudy, I don't do flashy, and attempting to do so would definitely look wrong.

 

If folks want an idea of how I dress, check out un-fancy.com, the blog is about living with a capsule wardrobe. My style is VERY similar to hers, but with fewer dresses or skirts, and no heels. I own a small amount of clothes, nothing I don't need or love. It's mostly good quality basic staples, classic neutrals, and a few pops of red and blue to create an overall coordinated palette. I don't wear jewelry, except for earrings and one simple necklace.

 

I know men want women to wear dresses and skirts and heels. I cannot wear heels. I have injured knees and ankles and WILL permanently injure myself if I wear heels. I own 2 dresses and 1 skirt. One dress is for the summer, the other is a fancy cocktail type dress that rarely gets use. The skirt is just a simple long black one, which is also really a summer thing.

 

I don't see myself wearing dresses or skirts in the winter. It's really not practical, and since I work a demanding job, I don't see myself coming home from work and putting a dress on just to get groceries. If it's SUPER DUPER necessary, I suppose I could get myself into the habit of dressing extra girly after work, but I must admit I don't see the value in it.

 

I'm gonna try to start wearing more makeup. My current makeup routine takes maybe 3 minutes. Powder, blush, mascara. But I could get myself into the habit of putting on a full face, if it would be useful.

 

Hair is the thing I have the hardest time changing my mindset about. I remember being told once that healthy hair is prettier than any sort of damaged hair, and it stuck with me. I take VERY good care of my hair. I don't use heat on it, I don't dye it, and I don't use harsh products on it. I wash it, let it dry, and either wear it down smooth, or pull it into a high bun or pony. I know men don't like hair up, and my ex always seemed disgruntled when I pulled my hair back. I just feel like because my hair is so straight, it seems "blah" when it's down. I struggle with even THINKING about curling my hair daily, because it's gonna get damaged. I see girls at work who curl their hair everyday, and the ends are just so split and fried and bent at odd angles. I'd hate my hair to look so damaged. But I've found that men really just don't notice whether hair is healthy or not. Coworkers will say "Bianca has such nice hair" or "Nicole's hair is perfect" and in my head I'm thinking "WTF, their hair is so damaged, the ends are like straw!!" - and I suppose I just have my priorities wrong. Being so focused on healthy hair, when men don't give a crap about if it's healthy.

 

Working on my body is always a work in progress. I got bullied alot in high school for having big boobs but no butt, so I've always spent extra time in the gym working the lower body, trying to build up a butt, and it's definitely grown over the years, but it's nothing noteworthy. I'm definitely still self-conscious about it and feel that I should definitely dial in and push harder to reach my goal. I also would like to lose just a little more fat. I'm slim, but still have a light layer of fat. My trainer at the gym put me at 20% body fat, and thinks I will reach my goal if I lose 10 more pounds of fat, and add a few pounds of muscle. I just know it's gonna be slow going through the holidays to keep my calories in check. I like to look strong, without looking muscular. Just overall healthy and fit. Is that okay?

 

Any overall suggestions, given the information I provided? Be more girly? Stop babying my hair? Change up the makeup? Change the clothes?

[Phoe]

MissBee and CC

 

I'm just struggling to logically comprehend having stricter standards, I suppose.

 

I want a man to be kind, respectful, have a job (that's a new one, I didn't care before), and be physically and mentally healthy.

 

What more can I ask for? What more is reasonable to start requiring?

 

I suppose I'm struggling with the idea that, if I'd had stricter standards and rejected the men in the past, that OTHER men, better ones, would have become interested, men that weren't interested in me in reality.

 

If I wasn't getting approached in the first place, it seems counterintuitive that being MORE PICKY, and rejecting men, would get me more approaches.

 

Is that logical? or am I just sort of missing something?

 

I don't know what my next requirement even ought to be...

[somedude81]

In my opinion the number one thing you need to know how to do is to let go of a relationship when you feel that it is going bad.

 

Frankly I thought that you should have dumped your ex back in June after that incident happened that you talked to me about. That was right before you took a break from the forum.

 

You stayed with him for far too long and surprise, now you're burnt out and want to take a whole year off from dating.

[writergal]

I forget who said this but I think it applies to your dating situation, "you can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."

 

In other words, don't make yourself crazy with sudden changes to your personality or appearance unless it's what you want to do for yourself, because the only person you need to please is yourself. Focus on living up to your own standards, not living up to other people's standards (especially men).

 

All you need to do is follow your own path and stay on it, despite who crosses it. Don't deviate from your life's goals (getting a better job, completing your masters' degree, traveling) for anyone, especially men you come into contact with to potentially date.

 

So I don't recommend that you make any drastic changes for other people, just make changes that you want to make. All that matters is what you think of yourself.

 

Here, listen to my friend

.

[Phoe]

I forget who said this but I think it applies to your dating situation, "you can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."

 

In other words, don't make yourself crazy with sudden changes to your personality or appearance unless it's what you want to do for yourself, because the only person you need to please is yourself. Focus on living up to your own standards, not living up to other people's standards (especially men).

 

All you need to do is follow your own path and stay on it, despite who crosses it. Don't deviate from your life's goals (getting a better job, completing your masters' degree, traveling) for anyone, especially men you come into contact with to potentially date.

 

So I don't recommend that you make any drastic changes for other people, just make changes that you want to make. All that matters is what you think of yourself.

 

Here, listen to my friend

.

 

I certainly don't expect to please all people, but I'd like to be more appealing overall.

 

I'm happy with myself the way I am, but the "Me" I've got going right now, just doesn't do me favors in the dating world. It's just not good enough.

[Phoe]

In my opinion the number one thing you need to know how to do is to let go of a relationship when you feel that it is going bad.

 

Frankly I thought that you should have dumped your ex back in June after that incident happened that you talked to me about. That was right before you took a break from the forum.

 

You stayed with him for far too long and surprise, now you're burnt out and want to take a whole year off from dating.

 

Regardless of how it ends, I don't jump from person to person.

 

I spend WAY more time single, than in relationships. Over the past 10 years, a total of about 2 years of it was spent in relationships. The rest was spent single, and there was a good gap between those 4 relationships.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm happy with myself the way I am, but the "Me" I've got going right now, just doesn't do me favors in the dating world. It's just not good enough.

 

Pardon me if this has been mentioned in the past, but have you tried doing the approaching yourself?

[writergal]

Don't be so hard on the "you" that you've got going now in the dating world. Make whatever tweaks or minor adjustments you need to, but I don't think a complete over-haul is required. Not at all.

 

I have to agree with somedude81 that next time you date a guy and you know it's a bad relationship, try to let go quicker and save yourself from un-necessary pain and agony.

[somedude81]

Regardless of how it ends, I don't jump from person to person.

 

I spend WAY more time single, than in relationships. Over the past 10 years, a total of about 2 years of it was spent in relationships. The rest was spent single, and there was a good gap between those 4 relationships.

 

My post wasn't about jumping from person to person.

 

My point was that you need to know when to let go. You waited till the absolute last moment with him.

 

You put yourself through so much stress and anguish by holding on to that relationship. Why?

 

If you want to improve Phoe, you should figure out why you stuck with him for so long, and see if you would do that again with the next guy.

[NJ123]

I certainly don't expect to please all people, but I'd like to be more appealing overall.

 

I'm happy with myself the way I am, but the "Me" I've got going right now, just doesn't do me favors in the dating world. It's just not good enough.

 

I already told you that I genuinely think your above average in looks so trust me it's definitely not the way you look. And you seem to be a good, nice person judging from the way you post on here. I was thinking maybe it has more so to do with the area you live in. Since you seem to live kind of in the middle of nowhere where you don't have as many options as a lot of other people do. If you lived in a more populated area, you'd probably find a lot more success with dating.