Improving Phoe

[Phoe]

Owmyeyeball,

 

Thank you for the specific suggestions, that's all I wanted!

 

Moving is definitely going to happen once I have the means. I have no ties to family here or the community, so that won't be an issue at all. Jobs are the issue.

 

I can't move without a job already lined up, because where would I live? If I have no proof of income, I won't be able to rent anywhere.

 

I'm applying for any and every kind of job, but can't get anything. Not even waitressing at Denny's or delivering pizza. The job I have now is the only one that's given me a chance in the past 4 years or so. Can't even get an interview anywhere, whether a good job or a crap job.

 

If I can keep moving up at my current job and get enough of a raise, I can transfer to another city, but I can't transfer until my pay rate is enough to afford the standard of living in a larger area, because this area is a very low cost, but I'm still barely scraping by.

 

So I wait. Either until I get a raise, or get a hit from another job. I already have savings built up solely for moving costs, so once the opportunity is there, I'm gone.

 

Just waiting and working hard until that time.

[Els]

Travel and/or move

 

You're already working minimum wage jobs, so it's not as if you'd be sacrificing much in moving. The biggest challenge will be leaving family, friends and community. Fortunately there are now a hundred different ways to keep in touch, so you won't feel as isolated. Besides, the point of moving is to find a place that best suits your existing personality; a place where you don't have to change your looks, demeanor or mentality. A place with like-minded people.

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I think Western Europe (especially the UK and Scandinavian countries) as well as Aus or NZ might be more suited for you if you're a very independent woman. Of course this is a whole lot of generalization, as people do meet compatible partners everywhere, but there is an undeniable cultural difference.

 

Plus travel is amazing and really opens up your eyes, relationships aside. If you are already working a minimum wage job anyway, you likely wouldn't do much worse going for a working holiday or WWOOFing. You don't need proof of income to WWOOF, because you are going to be living with your host. And working holidayers usually live in hostels which also don't require proof of income (though you do need about $2000 worth of savings to cover your air tickets, travel insurance and emergencies).

 

http://wwoofinternational.org/

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Phoe,

 

I thought of you a couple of days ago when I unearthed a website where I could seemingly check mine, or any set of Lotto numbers to see if they'd ever been drawn anywhere.

 

While I hardly ever play the Lotto (fewer than $20 over the past twenty years), I did once create a specific set of six numbers that were my numbers.

 

This was in the mid-1980's, and was so long ago that I have no criteria for determining which should be the special ball/number.

 

So I listed my long-time set of Lotto numbers at this website, and the implication was that they have never been drawn (together) in ANY lottery tabulated at this website.

 

Now I think that were I approaching the lotto as you are seeming to approach your romantic life, you would first search for some set of lotto numbers which has been drawn (together) more than once, and start playing THOSE.

 

I'm quite sure I can convince you that no other set of 6 numbers has any greater chance of being drawn in upcoming Lotto drawings than does my own set.

 

So why can't I use that reality to inspire you to stay in your social place while merely endeavoring to meet more people around your world, no matter what clubs you have to join, or classes you have to take in order to do so.

 

Take a computer class at the local college or something... just meeeeeet people in greater numbers.

 

(*** you are foxy enough to cause something no more than that amount of effort to result in some social engagements).

[Phoe]

SOG

 

While I do live in a small town, I meet new people commonly. Meeting people isn't hard for me. Never has been. Sure, the venues for meeting these people aren't as exciting as they would be in a large city (classes and meetups and such, just plain don't exist here), but people still manage to interact in simple ways.

 

I'm not meeting thousands and thousands of people, but every week I can think of new people I've met.

 

On topic to the posts about moving, Ive been thinking a lot about where I'd like to live, and unfortunately have a conundrum.

 

I like small towns. I like rural. My mom came from a 500 person town in rural Maryland, and I've always LOVED that area. I'd love to live there. I've also always liked the idea of rural Oregon or Washington, and if I had my fantasy life, I would live in rural Alaska.

 

 

But folks tell me I need to be in a city, where I can meet more people. Which sucks. I'm not fond of cities. And living in Santa Barbara was even worse for dating than here in the desert, I'm afraid that would happen again. I don't even know what type of city to choose, to be right for me.

 

Over the past 2 years, my job applications have branched to cities a within 2 hours of me, in the San bernardino or riverside areas. I've never tried anything further, I'd have no idea what kind of environment I'd be getting myself into.

[mammasita]

I haven't read thru your entire thread....but based only on this last post about rural VS city I can relate 1000%

 

I grew up in San Diego thinking I was a city girl and always thought I wanted to live the big city life. 7 years ago I moved to the "burbs" in Va on the outskirts of the actual city. I don't have to deal with traffic or the hustle and bustle. I literally drive by cotton fields on my way to work. My BF makes fun of me because he says the closer he gets to my house the distance between the street lights increases. Its true, you can see the stars from my house.

 

I LOVE IT.

 

That said, its feasible to live in a rural area but close enough to civilization to meet people and find a good job. Don't let wanting to live rural discourage you.

[Ruby Slippers]

As long as you have a car, you could live in a small town outside a major city. That's what I'm doing right now. I also strongly prefer wide open spaces and nature to the concrete jungle. I got on OLD a few weeks ago, and I get messages from guys all over the city and surrounding areas - a 50- to 100-mile radius. My first meet was with a guy who lives about 50 miles away - we met at a nature spot in the middle of the city.

 

As to your larger questions, my perception is that your weak self-esteem is the main thing holding you back. Due to a pretty terrible upbringing, I've struggled with this problem as well, and I know how difficult it can be to overcome it. Start doing some research on the subject - videos, articles online, personal development books, new friendships. You won't develop great self-esteem overnight, but you can gradually improve it over time.

 

I think simply dating more men and taking more time to find a good fit would help. You'll find that some men will empathize with your self-esteem struggles and do the right things to support you and lift you up, while other men will exploit them and tear you down. Obviously you want to avoid the second type! The more men you meet, the better sense you can get of what kind of man is right for you.

[Phoe]

As long as you have a car, you could live in a small town outside a major city. That's what I'm doing right now. I also strongly prefer wide open spaces and nature to the concrete jungle. I got on OLD a few weeks ago, and I get messages from guys all over the city and surrounding areas - a 50- to 100-mile radius. My first meet was with a guy who lives about 50 miles away - we met at a nature spot in the middle of the city.

 

As to your larger questions, my perception is that your weak self-esteem is the main thing holding you back. Due to a pretty terrible upbringing, I've struggled with this problem as well, and I know how difficult it can be to overcome it. Start doing some research on the subject - videos, articles online, personal development books, new friendships. You won't develop great self-esteem overnight, but you can gradually improve it over time.

 

I think simply dating more men and taking more time to find a good fit would help. You'll find that some men will empathize with your self-esteem struggles and do the right things to support you and lift you up, while other men will exploit them and tear you down. Obviously you want to avoid the second type! The more men you meet, the better sense you can get of what kind of man is right for you.

 

I'll have to research some areas that have a good blend between rural and city. I don't think SoCal is really right for that, IMO.

 

My self esteem ONLY suffers in the dating aspect. It's odd. I'm proud of myself intellectually, I know Im smart, I know I'm a nice person, I know I'm a hard worker, and I know I have a lot of talent. But when it comes to dating and getting men to like me? No confidence.

 

I agree that dating more men would help me learn, the problem is getting dates in the first place. Can't learn if I can't get a date, and I can't get a date if I never learn.

 

And I've always been accepting of taking longer, having long stretches between dates, long stretches between either being approached and doing approaching, and this would NOT be a problem, if the men that were interested, weren't awful. If I was slow, but was meeting good men every time, perfect! Ideal, really. But with my slow pace and slow progression, I can't afford to keep ending up with manipulative users, over and over. I need the next one to be good. I need an example of what's right.

 

Mammasita - I can't imagine living somewhere without stars! Stargazing is a big thing for me. I'm big into astronomy, and have a great telescope. My nights wouldn't be right if I couldn't lay back in the bed of my truck and watch the stars for a while.

[OwMyEyeball]

How much research have you put into your graduate studies?

 

You mention you're an excellent student, which I would imagine translates into excellent marks and professor referrals.

 

What's available for you in terms of scholarships and bursaries? Where have you looked? Do you have access to graduate admissions advisers at various universities? Which universities have you looked into and how far afield (including international)? Have you applied to many scholarships? Have you spoken to people in the know (admissions advisers, professors, etc.) who could give you advice on how to get a leg up over the competition?

 

What field or career do you want to get yourself into?

 

Another option you have is looking into the job market in high manpower demand industries - right now that would be oil and gas. They are in a boom cycle right now and probably offering very high wages for even entry level positions - even more for anyone with the brains to complete slightly more advanced technical certificates. I don't know much about the US boom, but I would guess North Dakota and Texas would be places to look. With a solid plan, a frugal lifestyle and some focus you could earn within a year what your current situation would offer up in 10.

 

Just some ideas. You may feel stuck, but there are A LOT of opportunities out there for motivated, intelligent, hard working and independently-minded people. The trick is in finding them.

[Phoe]

How much research have you put into your graduate studies?

 

You mention you're an excellent student, which I would imagine translates into excellent marks and professor referrals.

 

What's available for you in terms of scholarships and bursaries? Where have you looked? Do you have access to graduate admissions advisers at various universities? Which universities have you looked into and how far afield (including international)? Have you applied to many scholarships? Have you spoken to people in the know (admissions advisers, professors, etc.) who could give you advice on how to get a leg up over the competition?

 

What field or career do you want to get yourself into?

 

Another option you have is looking into the job market in high manpower demand industries - right now that would be oil and gas. They are in a boom cycle right now and probably offering very high wages for even entry level positions - even more for anyone with the brains to complete slightly more advanced technical certificates. I don't know much about the US boom, but I would guess North Dakota and Texas would be places to look. With a solid plan, a frugal lifestyle and some focus you could earn within a year what your current situation would offer up in 10.

 

Just some ideas. You may feel stuck, but there are A LOT of opportunities out there for motivated, intelligent, hard working and independently-minded people. The trick is in finding them.

 

 

 

My research has been sporadic, because I don't even know whether it's gonna pay off to pursue my master's. I might spend so much time and money pursuing that, and still not be any farther than I am right now.

 

 

I sometimes wonder if I should get a completely different degree, start over with a different bachelors.

 

 

I'd be pursuing a masters in archaeology. I did get some decent rapport with my professors, but the big thing with getting into the archaeology field, and getting an internship, is being able to pay out of pocket. The students who got the archaeology internships, were the ones who could pay thousands out of pocket to travel during the summer, to Turkey, for example.

 

 

I did not have that luxury. And naturally, I could not build the same rapport as the students who DID spend months travelling with the professors. I still was on great terms, but never the same as the others.

 

 

I'm fearful that without the money to pay out of pocket, it would be the same issue against through graduate school.

 

 

I've only looked into schools in Southern California. I'd have to commute, I can't afford to move somewhere and pay rent somewhere, not knowing if I'd even get a job elsewhere. Anywhere I choose to go to school, would be based on wherever I can get a job lined up. I live with family right now because I can't even afford to have my own place here, despite working probably 50 hours a week and breaking my body doing so.

 

 

2 great options almost happened. I almost got an entry level job with the Smithsonian, and I almost got an entry level job with an aerospace engineering company. Both cases got my hopes up, and I wonder if perhaps I was shooting too high.

 

 

Other options I've considered were veterinary technician training, or physical therapist. A local vet guaranteed me a job with him a few years ago, and then went back on that. I applied for a technician training school a few months back and never heard from them. I did minor in Exercise and Sports Studies, specifically so I could pursue that field if nothing else worked, but so far that hasn't worked either.

 

 

I just don't know whether anything I attempt to pursue, will pay off. All my life it was pounded into my head that getting a bachelors would be the ticket to securing a good job, and right now all I can say it that I wasted Tens of Thousands of dollars, and years of my life, when I should've just gone into some vocational training or something.

[Phoe]

extg,

 

the question I've had throughout this thread, which I kinda just stopped asking because people seemed to want to skim over it and not really answer it, is HOW will raising my standards, get me men who otherwise have never wanted me?

 

How is it, that if I'd rejected every other man who'd asked me out, OTHER men, who didn't approach me in this lifetime, would have come up to me had I been rejecting the others?

 

I don't get it. How is that even possible?

 

It's not like I'm rejecting men left and right just to pick the lousy one. I can count on one hand the number of men I've rejected, and can count on two hands the number of men who've ever asked me out.

 

Had I had high standards to start with and rejected the men who weren't up to par, I'd be a dateless virgin right now.

 

I literally do not understand how having standards will cause men to suddenly be interested in me, where there were none before.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Son of a biscuit.

 

I tried to multi quote and address everyone in one post, but my silly tablet couldn't handle it and froze three times. I've got to head off to physical therapy soon (let's rip Phoe's ankle off, yeah?) but if I can get my laptop to cooperate after, I'll make one big post, if not, I'll have to respond individually. Grr Sorry!

 

 

I'd ditch the COD shirt for a Halo shirt

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

and I just realized this thread is 10 pages long.

 

 

Something about rejecting men and being a dateless virgin...I think the problem is your location. If you really are in some desert why can't you move to a more populated area? I'm not suggestion NY or LA but something more city like. My apologies if this has been suggested before

[OwMyEyeball]

One thing is abundantly clear in your approach: you're very risk averse.

 

There are no guarantees. There is no "knowing" that one option or the other will have a sure shot of panning out.

 

Let's take stock of what you have going for you:

 

Unbounded

You have no liabilities (mortgage, huge debt payments) and no dependents (children, elderly family members or large pets). Feel thankful for that. A lot of people have their lifestyles forced upon them once they take on that level of responsibility; many do so with only scant awareness of the true burden they've chosen to take on.

 

Studious

You know how to do well in school. You can sit down and put your nose to the grindstone. That's not as common as you may think. Big ace.

 

Persistent

You're keeping up the effort that a lot of people wouldn't even put in. You're gunning to make it, but just haven't branched out far enough or given yourself the opportunity to really admire your own potential. If anything, you're too humble.

 

Hardworking

Goes with studious. Again, this is a highly desirable trait that many people claim to be, but few actually pass muster on.

 

There's probably more.

 

That you almost got into the Smithsonian and an aerospace program should be considered HUGE incentives for you to keep plowing and trying and to KEEP REACHING HIGH. We're talking the Smithsonian here. That you ALMOST made it into.

 

You undervalue yourself. Immensely.

 

Step up your risk tolerance.

[Phoe]

One thing is abundantly clear in your approach: you're very risk averse.

 

Step up your risk tolerance.

 

Yes. I don't take risks. I'm highly logical, rational, and safe.

 

The only way I see myself successfully moving somewhere else right now, is if I'm willing to live in my car indefinitely until I get a job that will at least pay a rent bill.

 

I've lived in my car before and I never want to do it again...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

SOG

 

While I do live in a small town, I meet new people commonly. Meeting people isn't hard for me. Never has been. Sure, the venues for meeting these people aren't as exciting as they would be in a large city (classes and meetups and such, just plain don't exist here), but people still manage to interact in simple ways.

 

I'm not meeting thousands and thousands of people, but every week I can think of new people I've met.

 

On topic to the posts about moving, Ive been thinking a lot about where I'd like to live, and unfortunately have a conundrum.

 

I like small towns. I like rural. My mom came from a 500 person town in rural Maryland, and I've always LOVED that area. I'd love to live there. I've also always liked the idea of rural Oregon or Washington, and if I had my fantasy life, I would live in rural Alaska.

 

 

But folks tell me I need to be in a city, where I can meet more people. Which sucks. I'm not fond of cities. And living in Santa Barbara was even worse for dating than here in the desert, I'm afraid that would happen again. I don't even know what type of city to choose, to be right for me.

 

Over the past 2 years, my job applications have branched to cities a within 2 hours of me, in the San bernardino or riverside areas. I've never tried anything further, I'd have no idea what kind of environment I'd be getting myself into.

 

 

 

(sound of my mind searching to its depths, while just pondering...)

 

The question of whether to move merely to avail yourself of more dating possibilities IS SUCH A DOOZY!!

 

I mean, for some, they leap up and move, and within two weeks they meet somebody and start living the life of coupledom soon never imagining just how it could have been that they hadn't thought to do this sooner.

 

For others, they evolve to look back thinking and wondering whether they did the right thing, even though it is perhaps other fate which dealt them a bad representation of new prospects in the new area.

 

One really should be bold and confident in the fruits of such an effort, before one is likely internally equipped to withstand the many changes entailed by such an effort.

 

(my conclusion: I just don't know...)

 

(imagines Phoe as Maggie on Northern Exposure, and her future life as a bush pilot in Alaska)

 

 

My self esteem ONLY suffers in the dating aspect. It's odd. I'm proud of myself intellectually, I know I'm smart, I know I'm a nice person, I know I'm a hard worker, and I know I have a lot of talent. But when it comes to dating and getting men to like me? No confidence.

 

 

I DO know that I sense every bit of the above, about you, to be true and accurate! (and it reads quite well, in general)

 

 

I so wish I could relate to the dynamics known to people who are as attractive as you are, where it concerns dating. I mean, you post a full array of photos here at LS, as if it were nothing, because a lifetime of rehearsals assures you that it IS relatively nothing. (you're quite attractive by most standards, and there is perhaps such a small percentage of those both more attractive than you and writing online at considerable/(unending?) length about dating woes, that we don't know to what/who we should compare you)

 

 

I definitely believe that people really do tend to date/(pre-adjust their dating standards) according to how physically attractive they are... to where those on the same general level of attraction, tend to find one another in m-m-m-m-m-m-most cases.

 

So what if, in the same way that, Hollywood has drawn a vast array of beauties trying/wanting to make-it in show biz, and those people largely got there, paired off, and mated over time... the nearby desert areas are home to so relatively few, that indeed the considerably attractive set are somewhat lacking there?

 

(and no, it doesn't make you shallow if, as everyone else does same, you generally trend toward the same ideals as just about everyone else in terms of potential partners.)

 

I mean, gosh, what if you were from (name of some small country on a distant continent) and wished to date within your own race/culture AND you found yourself out in the same desert area of which you speak???

 

Certainly someone in such a scenario wouldn't be considered shallow for hoping to date within their race/culture (er, not shallow in the one sense, but perhaps not seen as being too bright for expecting to find such a needle in said haystack).

 

Anyway, you are always food for deep contemplation!

[Ninjainpajamas]

See, if there really was a "next" that would be fine.

 

I'm letting those guys in the door because they're the only ones knocking.

 

I was single for 6 years, and dateless for 4 years.

 

I can't reject a guy who seems okay to begin with, not the most romantic, but not a bad guy. I can't do it, because I know very well it may be FOUR YEARS until I get another opportunity.

 

There is no abundance here. I don't have options, I don't have men lined up to date me (men seem to think every woman does).

 

There may be no one else coming.

 

I can't wrap my head around the concept of me rejecting me and raising my standards, causing MORE men to then become interested in me, who otherwise weren't/wouldn't have been interested, had I had lower standards.

 

I didn't read the entire thread...just popping in now

 

But I wanted to say that you can't have this approach or mentality when looking for a relationship down the road and determining romantic interest. You can't let the past dictate what your standards are right now and today, and you also can't be shackled by the fear or persuaded into the arms of a man you wouldn't otherwise consider if you had better options.

 

You need to figure out how to make more options, how to become more aggressive through flirtation and just putting yourself within the right circle of men that you are interested in. It's like a job, you can't expect it to just come knocking on your door...you've got to make yourself available and network before you just take any sh!!tty old job because you're worried about whether or not you can find another one.

 

If you've got more rattlesnakes than potential suitors then I think at that point it will benefit you to change the environment in which you will live in. I understand you are enjoy the rural life, but young people IMO should leave at least within reasonable driving distance of a majority city, as growing up is about experiences, being open-minded, learning and really understanding what you want in your life and who is romantically compatible...you just don't get those options living in the desert with a bunch of drug-dealers.

 

Get your head and @ss out of the sand and at least for now, try to start doing and living in a way that challenges you out of your comfort zone. You're too young to be stuck in the middle of the nowhere...sure if you meet the right guy and want to move out deep into the forest and build a house out of fallen tree branches that's up to you...but you're much less likely to meet that guy IMO being single now, and I just don't personally see the lure, i just get the feeling it's more like a safety net and fear based kind of thing but I think if that's the case then it's probably tied into other things and that's what keeps you so far out of touch with the things that you want.

 

Anyway, whatever the situation you know yourself better than anyone else, you know your fears. But I think you're really going to short-change yourself in life if you keep on thinking and living the way you do, because for you living in a city alone would increase your options ten-fold and open yourself up to a lot of different types of people where a small town can be like one endless sea of redundant minded thinkers and people stuck in a certain life-style...it's a little too close for comfort, it becomes this little bubble of a world and to me that's always extremely limiting.

 

You need to start thinking about how you can change your life into what you want it to be...and you might have to take some big risks to do that.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that dating more men would help me learn, the problem is getting dates in the first place. Can't learn if I can't get a date, and I can't get a date if I never learn.

If you lived in a more populated area, you probably wouldn't have much trouble getting an easy office admin job paying a pretty cushy salary and offering benefits, with potential for advancement - or the time to continue your education on the side.

 

This would also dramatically increase your dating prospects. If you put up a dating profile in a reasonably populated area, I'm sure you'd find many interested prospects.

 

I think your major problem is lack of quality prospects. I think it would be very good for you to find a way to move to a more populated area, or at least visit more populated areas, set up some dates - anything to increase the number of prospects available to you.

 

Have you considered some kind of job or program that involves travel or relocating to another city temporarily, like AmeriCorps, Teach for America, etc.? Those typically don't pay great, but it should be at least as much as you're earning now, probably including some stipend for relocation - and those experiences are enriching in many ways, look great on your resume, and can lead to even better work opportunities.

[GemmaUK]

Hi Phoe,

 

 

I have only briefly skimmed so apologies if any of this has already been mentioned.

 

 

I spotted the part on page 1 where you said you feel you can either doll up or not and it makes no difference.

That photo you have up - you're beautiful.

Now, go get a mirror and look at the face you have on display when you go to work, rush to the shops or head off to the gym.

One thing I have learned it to wake up the muscles in my face and use them rather than be 'at rest'. It takes a bit of practice and remembering but give that a try before you try the whole hour routine to doll up.

 

 

Another couple of things.

Two books I have read which I think might be good reads for you.

Why Men Love B**ches by Sherry Argov (the last word of the title is tongue in cheek). I've read this several times and it has helped me be happier single but also has helped me to bring my softer side out rather than my independent side.

 

 

The other book I would recommend is How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved by Sandra L. Brown.

It's a book with checklists of character traits for pretty much every kind of abusive man you might meet - from physical abusers all the way back to the guy who is just unavailable emotionally.

The checklists especially help to register when you get an instinct and to believe that instinct rather than brush it away.

 

 

For the record, I see you as bright, hard working, sane, intelligent and all round a lovely young woman.

You sound very open to learning some new things which is how we all grow - I know I have!

I would hate to see the core of you change. x

[somedude81]

My research has been sporadic, because I don't even know whether it's gonna pay off to pursue my master's. I might spend so much time and money pursuing that, and still not be any farther than I am right now.

 

 

I sometimes wonder if I should get a completely different degree, start over with a different bachelors.

 

 

I'd be pursuing a masters in archaeology. I did get some decent rapport with my professors, but the big thing with getting into the archaeology field, and getting an internship, is being able to pay out of pocket. The students who got the archaeology internships, were the ones who could pay thousands out of pocket to travel during the summer, to Turkey, for example.

 

 

I've only looked into schools in Southern California. I'd have to commute, I can't afford to move somewhere and pay rent somewhere, not knowing if I'd even get a job elsewhere. Anywhere I choose to go to school, would be based on wherever I can get a job lined up. I live with family right now because I can't even afford to have my own place here, despite working probably 50 hours a week and breaking my body doing so.

 

 

2 great options almost happened. I almost got an entry level job with the Smithsonian, and I almost got an entry level job with an aerospace engineering company. Both cases got my hopes up, and I wonder if perhaps I was shooting too high.

 

Unfortunately your current degree doesn't have much potential to get you a good job. You're far too intelligent to do whatever manual job you're doing now for crap pay. Thankfully you're still young enough where you can change your path.

 

Here's my suggestion.

 

Go back to school and get another bachelors in a field that you believe you can get a decent job in once you get the degree. Business, health care, education etc.

 

Move to where the school is and get roommates or a cheap place of your own. Get a student loan to cover yourself until you're settled with a job and can cover your expenses.

[Divasu]

Phoe, do you have any close female friends?

[Phoe]

Unfortunately your current degree doesn't have much potential to get you a good job. You're far too intelligent to do whatever manual job you're doing now for crap pay. Thankfully you're still young enough where you can change your path.

 

Here's my suggestion.

 

Go back to school and get another bachelors in a field that you believe you can get a decent job in once you get the degree. Business, health care, education etc.

 

Move to where the school is and get roommates or a cheap place of your own. Get a student loan to cover yourself until you're settled with a job and can cover your expenses.

 

 

Education is something I always wanted to pursue, but was talked out of by family. I also considered pursuing it in addition to my masters, because ideally I'd like to be a professor.

 

 

I'd love to be a children's music teacher or science teacher. Education definitely is on my list of potential pursuits

 

Phoe, do you have any close female friends?

 

 

Yes

[Phoe]

GemmaUK

 

 

Those books actually sound perfect for me, especially the one about dangerous men, because I get fooled every time.

 

 

Which brings me to another point...

 

 

some posters seem to think that when I say I've dated some lousy men who were abusive, that I clearly just let them in like that right off the bat. I'm being told "don't date him if he's swearing all over the place, being a sleaze, etc"

 

 

That much is clear as day lol. One of the rejections I HAVE given, was a guy who tried to ask me out by being sexual and sleazy. Instant rejection.

 

 

The guys I DID date, started off VERY polite. None ever sweared in the first place, they were all very intelligent, no one used drugs or alcohol. Some were virgins. They all started out incredibly nice, and sweet. Mutual friends would say "Oh, I'm so glad you're dating billybob, he's such a nice person!" -stuff like that.

 

 

Nobody was acting like a jerk right off the bat. Jerky people don't get in the door.

 

 

It's only months later that it goes down the tube.

 

 

One example, my first boyfriend who spent several months courting me slowly, incredibly respectful and polite. I fell for him. It was only after MONTHS of me finally falling for him and trusting him, that he started to bring me down. Calling me fat. Demanding blowjobs twice a day. Refusing to touch me. Then cheated on me with a gorgeous girl, and left me for her. Maybe a month later one his friends cruelly came to me and said that my ex had only been with me for the blowjobs. I felt crushed. Then it was spread as a rumor. People coming up to me and telling me that they'd heard that. I finally confronted him and asked if it was true, and he said yes. He had used me. ALL OF THAT TIME... earning my trust... all to get some blowjobs and lose his virginity.

 

 

Never would've seen that coming.

 

 

Then the next boyfriend spent several months earning my trust, then cheated on me, and when I found out I rushed to his house to end it, it turned into an argument, and he backhanded me, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me as hard as he could before throwing me against my car. I immediately took off and never saw him again.

 

 

The 3rd boyfriend dumped me after a month. Meh. And the 4th/last one, most folks around here know a bit about him. He really wasn't bad at all, I just couldn't handle when he'd get upset at me over nothing. He tried to guilt trip me and emotionally manipulate me way too often.

[somedude81]

Education is something I always wanted to pursue, but was talked out of by family. I also considered pursuing it in addition to my masters, because ideally I'd like to be a professor.

 

 

I'd love to be a children's music teacher or science teacher. Education definitely is on my list of potential pursuits

 

Do it.

 

Don't let your family talk you out of it if you want to.

 

My mother has been talking about being a professor for at least 10 years and she has never done anything to get started. She has a Bachelors in Psychology, and a Masters in English Literature. She could be teaching something at a college now, but she always finds some reason why she can't do it. I have no idea how many times I've had that conversation with her.

 

With what you said, my suggestion is to start really looking at a career in education. Work on getting your credential first. Teach elementary or Jr. High for a while and work on getting your Masters so you can move on to teaching college.

 

Ideally you want to set things up so you can start taking classes in Fall 2015.

[Phoe]

Do it.

 

Don't let your family talk you out of it if you want to.

 

My mother has been talking about being a professor for at least 10 years and she has never done anything to get started. She has a Bachelors in Psychology, and a Masters in English Literature. She could be teaching something at a college now, but she always finds some reason why she can't do it. I have no idea how many times I've had that conversation with her.

 

With what you said, my suggestion is to start really looking at a career in education. Work on getting your credential first. Teach elementary or Jr. High for a while and work on getting your Masters so you can move on to teaching college.

 

Ideally you want to set things up so you can start taking classes in Fall 2015.

 

Teaching jr high sounds horrific! Haha. I'd go for either elementary or high school.

 

My mom is a teacher and always told me not to do it. Now that she realizes it's something I actually should've done, she's telling me to take the substitute teaching exam when it comes around (twice a year), and start doing some subbing.

[Tayken]

GemmaUK

 

 

Those books actually sound perfect for me, especially the one about dangerous men, because I get fooled every time.

 

 

Which brings me to another point...

 

 

some posters seem to think that when I say I've dated some lousy men who were abusive, that I clearly just let them in like that right off the bat. I'm being told "don't date him if he's swearing all over the place, being a sleaze, etc"

 

 

That much is clear as day lol. One of the rejections I HAVE given, was a guy who tried to ask me out by being sexual and sleazy. Instant rejection.

 

 

The guys I DID date, started off VERY polite. None ever sweared in the first place, they were all very intelligent, no one used drugs or alcohol. Some were virgins. They all started out incredibly nice, and sweet. Mutual friends would say "Oh, I'm so glad you're dating billybob, he's such a nice person!" -stuff like that.

 

 

Nobody was acting like a jerk right off the bat. Jerky people don't get in the door.

 

 

It's only months later that it goes down the tube.

 

 

One example, my first boyfriend who spent several months courting me slowly, incredibly respectful and polite. I fell for him. It was only after MONTHS of me finally falling for him and trusting him, that he started to bring me down. Calling me fat. Demanding blowjobs twice a day. Refusing to touch me. Then cheated on me with a gorgeous girl, and left me for her. Maybe a month later one his friends cruelly came to me and said that my ex had only been with me for the blowjobs. I felt crushed. Then it was spread as a rumor. People coming up to me and telling me that they'd heard that. I finally confronted him and asked if it was true, and he said yes. He had used me. ALL OF THAT TIME... earning my trust... all to get some blowjobs and lose his virginity.

 

 

Never would've seen that coming.

 

 

Then the next boyfriend spent several months earning my trust, then cheated on me, and when I found out I rushed to his house to end it, it turned into an argument, and he backhanded me, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me as hard as he could before throwing me against my car. I immediately took off and never saw him again.

 

 

The 3rd boyfriend dumped me after a month. Meh. And the 4th/last one, most folks around here know a bit about him. He really wasn't bad at all, I just couldn't handle when he'd get upset at me over nothing. He tried to guilt trip me and emotionally manipulate me way too often.

 

 

Wow....I mean this in all sincerity. That first guy was a nunce, and his behaviour was childish to say the least. I can't imagine having to deal with snickering around town about the BJs especially from his friends.

 

I am sorry to read about all this verbal and physically abuse by these fools...they don't deserve to be called guys. I can see how this can put you on the edge when it comes to meeting guys and and dealing with them.