Improving Phoe

[NJ123]

Then the problem isn't you, it's your geographical location and the selection of men who live there. That's a very likely possibility to consider.

 

This. I said same exact thing in my post.

[Phoe]

Seriously, everybody is a critic here.

 

I think your persona is great. Even if you were 15x less attractive than your photos, I'd go out with you.

 

Please do not change.

 

I don't want to become some warped unrecognizable person, but a version of Phoe that will be better at dating and better equipped to end up in a good relationship someday. I'm just not at that level yet.

[Phoe]

This. I said same exact thing in my post.

 

This. I said same exact thing in my post.

 

I accidentally missed your post! Sorry.

 

Being in an isolated area definitely makes for a smaller selection, but I can't say anything about quality.

 

I went to college in Santa Barbara, and did markedly worse there than here. I was single the entire 4 years there and the 2 years after. I felt that being in a city, with lots of beautiful people, made it harder for me. I couldn't compete.

 

I've had 4 boyfriends, and they all were from the desert. I met them here. Perhaps the smaller town lessens the number of ladies I must compete against.

 

I don't even know lol

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't want to become some warped unrecognizable person, but a version of Phoe that will be better at dating and better equipped to end up in a good relationship someday. I'm just not at that level yet.

 

If you do suck at dating, as others have said, it's because of your location or bad luck.

 

People here assign too much to dating success. Those who have had less luck tend to beat themselves up and allow themselves to be criticized by others.

 

Trust me when I say there's nothing wrong with you.

Edited November 5, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[NJ123]

I accidentally missed your post! Sorry.

 

Being in an isolated area definitely makes for a smaller selection, but I can't say anything about quality.

 

I went to college in Santa Barbara, and did markedly worse there than here. I was single the entire 4 years there and the 2 years after. I felt that being in a city, with lots of beautiful people, made it harder for me. I couldn't compete.

 

I've had 4 boyfriends, and they all were from the desert. I met them here. Perhaps the smaller town lessens the number of ladies I must compete against.

 

I don't even know lol

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's your location. I guarantee if you lived in a better area, you'd have success in finding someone with just the way you are now. But like others said you should be a bit more picky in who you choose to date, and not just settle for anyone. But the problem is at the moment you probably wouldn't have much selection.

 

And you got to go to college in Santa Barbara! I always wished since I was a kid that I lived in Cali, but I'm stuck in ****ty NJ lol.

Edited November 5, 2014 by NJ123

[somedude81]

It's possible that the way I portray myself IRL, is not how I see it at all. I may have a totally warped view of myself. I do know that if I asked people, they'd tell me I came off just fine, and would not give me any cold hard truth.

 

There is somebody on this forum who doesn't live too far from you who can give you an honest impression of how you come off in real life

[Taramere]

I think my avoiding criticism from men stems from my father. He raised me as a tomboy, and sort of groomed me to be very independent, not girly, and to be very capable and skilled in many things... I would often hear complaints about the way "stereotypical women" were, and grew up wanting to not be like that.

 

What are your thoughts about those women you define as "stereotypical"? Do you also feel negatively about them, or is it just a case of wanting to avoid being like them because of things you've heard men say about them?

 

I thought if I deviated from the "stereotypical woman", that I heard being complained about so much, that I'd be liked. But it backfired a bit, and I remember in high school my father telling me "You're going to have a hard time finding boyfriends. You're going to have a hard time finding men who will like you. You may never get married" - and I didn't understand WHY he was saying these things, but it stung so bad, and I felt like I just was not good enough. At all. I knew I was loved very much, but I felt like some sort of odd black sheep.

 

Women who are a bit tomboyish aren't uncommon. There are plenty of them around, being married or having relationships with men who treat them well. Some of the women I've seen posting on here, who are happily in relationships define themselves as a bit tomboyish, nerdy etc. So based on other people's experiences it doesn't seem as though being a bit of a tomboy/not being a stereotypical woman is a problem in itself.

 

However, you've mentioned avoidance of criticism being a strong motivator for you...and perhaps it isn't such a motivator for those other women.

 

You may have seen this advert:

 

 

Being a woman isn't a wrong thing, Phoe. Being a stereotypical woman, whatever that means...so what? Being criticised because you're a woman and because you're not studiously avoiding every piece of behaviour that people bitch about as "typically female"...so what?

 

If somebody is a tomboy by nature, then great....but you've said that you were groomed by your father to be a tomboy. If you went back to being a child, taking your father out of the equation for a moment - what sort of things did you enjoy doing? What did you want to be? Did you have a clear idea of these things that were separate from who your dad wanted you to be?

 

Maybe it's time to think a little less about what men want, and a little more about what you want. Maybe then you'll get a clearer picture of the kind of man that you want...rather than always getting caught up with men who maybe don't offer all that much other than a bit of preliminary validation for you for doing all the things that might be good for them but that don't seem to be serving you very well in relationships.

Edited November 5, 2014 by Taramere

[Kamille]

I'd like to challenge the idea that you have no standards. You have standards. One quick look at your thread history tells me so. You got upset at stuff your ex did. Regularly. This means he did things that made you feel unloved and disrespected.

 

Those are your boundaries.

 

The first step is to recognize you're allowed to have them.

You're allowed to expect a partner to make you feel loved and respected.

You're allowed to express dissatisfaction and walk away when you don't feel loved and respected.

Basically, having standards is about telling your future partners what you need in order to thrive in a relationship.

The right kind of men, men who are capable of relationships, will appreciate this.

[CaliGypsy]

Working on yourself is fine. Improving things YOU want to improve.

 

You asked so I'm offering this. As far as you as a person ? You seem delightful . The only thing I see suffering is your sense of self worth. I see nothing wrong with a little bit of ego. Meaning , you deserve a great guy , you're a wonderful woman.

 

If you're dating a man, and you don't feel good about the way he's treating you , or he has other lifestyle choices that you deem to be deal breakers ? Boom , done. I'm not saying you don't have to work at relationships . Just listen to that inner voice I know you have that tells you that something is wrong.

 

And 4 cats in lieu of a relationship that leaves you feeling like **** at the end of the day ? Hell yes !

 

So in conclusion , my one piece of advice ..work on your self confidence and projecting out what you want to have.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There is somebody on this forum who doesn't live too far from you who can give you an honest impression of how you come off in real life

 

You sly dog!

[Andy_K]

Phoe, I don't think you need to do a whole lot of self improvement. You already have all the qualities most guys look for - you're attractive, unselfish, and not the least bit material. You're also into gaming and stuff like that which most guys will LOVE.

 

Your issue is simply that you're terrible at picking guys. Or rather, that you don't screen guys at all. The nature of dating is that most of the guys who approach or make the first move are jerks, but you're dating every single one of them. When you did online dating, you were off it within a week dating the first guy to ask you out. That didn't turn out so well.

 

It's great that you're not dismissing guys who don't have much cash or whatever else, but the trouble is you're not putting two and two together when more and more bad signs crop up.

 

Start trying to really understand the guys you go out with. What makes them happy? What do they want in life? What makes them upset? How do they like to spend their spare time? What is their attitude towards relationships and sex?

 

Absolutely do not get into a relationship with someone until you know the answers to all these, and have seen plenty of actions to back up their character too.

[somedude81]

You sly dog!

 

No, I don't mean it in that way.

 

Phoe had already said that she's not interested in dating for a long time.

 

I would just want to hang out with her as a friend. The idea of dating can be put aside for a good while.

 

I am curious about how she comes across in real life. I'm also curious about how I come across to a girl. Then afterwords we can evaluate each other and post here or something Or not

[MidwestUSA]

No, I don't mean it in that way.

 

Phoe had already said that she's not interested in dating for a long time.

 

I would just want to hang out with her as a friend. The idea of dating can be put aside for a good while.

 

I am curious about how she comes across in real life. I'm also curious about how I come across to a girl. Then afterwords we can evaluate each other and post here or something Or not

 

 

 

After the number of times you've stated you don't want women 'friends', because you end up wanting to sleep with them?

 

 

Altho I do wish you'd take one SOMEONE here up on their offers. Seems pretty generous of them to offer to go out of their way to help.

[JuneJulySeptember]

No, I don't mean it in that way.

 

Phoe had already said that she's not interested in dating for a long time.

 

I would just want to hang out with her as a friend. The idea of dating can be put aside for a good while.

 

I am curious about how she comes across in real life. I'm also curious about how I come across to a girl. Then afterwords we can evaluate each other and post here or something Or not

 

There's nothing wrong with telling women you are attracted to them.

 

I am definitely attracted to her.

[Anela]

There's nothing wrong with telling women you are attracted to them.

 

I am definitely attracted to her.

 

A number of men here seem to be attracted to her, but that comment, "the idea of dating can be put aside for a good while" might still feel like pressure.

 

Would you (SD) spend time with her as a friend, if there was no chance that she would date you (ever)? Because that's the sort of friend that I think she needs right now.

[Anela]

Phoe, I might PM you later - I can relate a little bit, to something you wrote here, only for different reasons.

[clia]

My masters is on hold right now. I don't have the money to finish school. I'm stuck at a minimum wage hard labor job, that barely gets me by. I'm regularly applying for other jobs, but have had no luck the past 2 years.

 

Getting a new job is #1 on my list, but it's just not happening.

 

I'm definitely actively looking. Every week, new resumes and applications. When I'm feeling particularly desparate to get out of my current situation, I walk directly into a building with my resume. But no one even gives me an interview. I always succeed when I get an interview, but getting an interview in the first place is the hard part.

 

I don't picture myself getting a job in my field, until I complete my masters, and I can't complete my masters, until I have a better job to fund schooling. I'm just barely making it by right now.

 

I'd LOVE to move out of here, but it's not financially possible. I can't afford the cost of living anywhere else, nor have I gotten any job offers elsewhere. I am stuck for now.

 

I'd love to travel, but like the living situation, it's out of my reach financially. I work very hard for minimum wage earnings, pay my bills, and have maybe $100 left over. I'm slowly saving so that someday I might take a long roadtrip, or a world cruise. Just see everything...

 

I tend to agree with some of the other posters that moving to a bigger city would open up your options a lot. I just don't see what is going to change about your job situation if you stay where you are, given that you are having so much trouble finding a job there over the past two years. You are still going to be stuck doing hard labor, making minimum wage, with little extra money. Do you want to still be doing that two years from now? It might be time to just take a risk and make some changes.

 

I really find it hard to believe that you couldn't make more money waitressing in Los Angeles. If not waitressing, there have got to be far more job opportunities there than where you are now. As for living expense, find roommates or just rent a room somewhere for awhile. You can do that relatively cheaply. I think you mentioned you were in a sorority? Aren't there alumni networks that could help you find roommates? Moving itself will cost you gas money and a month's rent (maybe, depending on your lease.) It just seems like being in a city like Los Angeles (for example) would allow you to possibly network within your field of interest (I can't remember your major, sorry) or to get more involved in that field, which could lead to a job in that field. Or at least provide more opportunities than what you have now.

[JuneJulySeptember]

A number of men here seem to be attracted to her, but that comment, "the idea of dating can be put aside for a good while" might still feel like pressure.

 

Would you (SD) spend time with her as a friend, if there was no chance that she would date you (ever)? Because that's the sort of friend that I think she needs right now.

 

If she is as down to Earth in real life as she is here, I would almost certainly be attracted to her, and I would ask her out.

 

As far as killing the friendship, well we were never friends to begin with, and really as you get older, social circles shrink. Once women/men get married and have kids, it's tough to hang on to your opposite sex friends.

[sillyanswer]

and with that said I intend to not try dating again until probably 2016.

 

Time to heal and time to better yourself are both fine, but not dating until 2016... are you sure that's not also avoidance of something that, in your own words, you suck at? Some aspects of dating get better by... dating.

[somedude81]

A number of men here seem to be attracted to her, but that comment, "the idea of dating can be put aside for a good while" might still feel like pressure.

 

Would you (SD) spend time with her as a friend, if there was no chance that she would date you (ever)? Because that's the sort of friend that I think she needs right now.

 

Yup.

 

She seems like a cool person to be friends with.

 

So even if there is no chance of dating, I'd still like to hang out with her a few times.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, I don't mean it in that way.

 

Phoe had already said that she's not interested in dating for a long time.

 

I would just want to hang out with her as a friend. The idea of dating can be put aside for a good while.

 

I am curious about how she comes across in real life. I'm also curious about how I come across to a girl. Then afterwords we can evaluate each other and post here or something Or not

 

:lmao:

 

No other comment.

[xxoo]

Your standards seem extremely low to me as far as what you're looking for in a partner. That makes me wonder what purpose a relationship serves for you.

 

What purpose have your past relationships served for you?

 

What additional purposes would you want a future relationship to serve, if any?

 

For example, my relationship is a source of joy, sexual satisfaction, companionship, a support system (both emotional and financial, when needed), etc. I can't get those things from just anyone who just politely approaches. It has to be someone who connects on those levels.

[CrystalCastles]

Seriously, everybody is a critic here.

 

I think your persona is great. Even if you were 15x less attractive than your photos, I'd go out with you.

 

Please do not change.

 

The OP specifically asked for criticism. Did you actually even read her past threads? If so, you'd know that the guys OP has dated were major *********s who abused her, disrespected her and mistreated her. When you go through that number of guys who are all bad, then yeah, I agree, the common denominator is you.

 

So, yeah, we are not sugar-coating anything. But that's what's so good about advice boards. Its commendable that Phoe wants to work on herself and the important thing to start with is boundaries. If she does as you suggest, not changing, she'll be where she was all these years, wasting her time on *********s who don't deserve the time of day.

 

Its funny, I noticed, it seems these threads tend to attract all these random guys who then worm their way out of the woodwork to praise Phoe, without actually offering anything helpful that would benefit her.

[OwMyEyeball]

The OP specifically asked for criticism. Did you actually even read her past threads? If so, you'd know that the guys OP has dated were major *********s who abused her, disrespected her and mistreated her. When you go through that number of guys who are all bad, then yeah, I agree, the common denominator is you.

 

So, yeah, we are not sugar-coating anything. But that's what's so good about advice boards. Its commendable that Phoe wants to work on herself and the important thing to start with is boundaries. If she does as you suggest, not changing, she'll be where she was all these years, wasting her time on *********s who don't deserve the time of day.

 

Its funny, I noticed, it seems these threads tend to attract all these random guys who then worm their way out of the woodwork to praise Phoe, without actually offering anything helpful that would benefit her.

Ya, seriously.

 

Would you jerks stop with your compliments and flattery? Have you no idea how to treat a lady?

[NJ123]

Ya, seriously.

 

Would you jerks stop with your compliments and flattery? Have you no idea how to treat a lady?

 

Huh? I gave her a compliment on her looks because she seems to think part of it has to do with her looks when it definitely doesn't. And I did give her possible reason/reasons for why she's been having trouble with dating.