Improving Phoe

[Anela]

Huh? I gave her a compliment on her looks because she seems to think part of it has to do with her looks when it definitely doesn't. And I did give her possible reason/reasons for why she's been having trouble with dating.

 

I think he was joking.

[NJ123]

I think he was joking.

 

Well Crystal Castles wasn't. So I probably should have quoted her instead.

[OwMyEyeball]

Huh? I gave her a compliment on her looks because she seems to think part of it has to do with her looks when it definitely doesn't. And I did give her possible reason/reasons for why she's been having trouble with dating.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get my cheeky humour across. I probably should've thrown in an emoticon or two

[Anela]

Well Crystal Castles wasn't. So I probably should have quoted her instead.

 

It's a little odd to see guys swarm her thread, like sharks picking up the scent of blood in the ocean. I've been trying to think of a nicer way to put that, because I don't want to offend, but this thread is supposed to be about Phoe, not the men who want her to stay exactly the same. I'm not including you in that.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The OP specifically asked for criticism. Did you actually even read her past threads? If so, you'd know that the guys OP has dated were major *********s who abused her, disrespected her and mistreated her. When you go through that number of guys who are all bad, then yeah, I agree, the common denominator is you.

 

So, yeah, we are not sugar-coating anything. But that's what's so good about advice boards. Its commendable that Phoe wants to work on herself and the important thing to start with is boundaries. If she does as you suggest, not changing, she'll be where she was all these years, wasting her time on *********s who don't deserve the time of day.

 

Its funny, I noticed, it seems these threads tend to attract all these random guys who then worm their way out of the woodwork to praise Phoe, without actually offering anything helpful that would benefit her.

 

OK, ok. My bad. Criticize away.

 

But I stand by my judgement. There's nothing wrong with her, and her persona is actually unique and refreshing.

Edited November 5, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Haydn]

Of course.

 

 

 

OK, ok. My bad. Criticize away.

 

But I stand by my judgement. There's nothing wrong with her, and her persona is actually unique and refreshing.

[JuneJulySeptember]

It's a little odd to see guys swarm her thread, like sharks picking up the scent of blood in the ocean. I've been trying to think of a nicer way to put that, because I don't want to offend, but this thread is supposed to be about Phoe, not the men who want her to stay exactly the same. I'm not including you in that.

 

I didn't see any guys swarming her thread.

 

It was just me complimenting her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

It's a little odd to see guys swarm her thread, like sharks picking up the scent of blood in the ocean. I've been trying to think of a nicer way to put that, because I don't want to offend, but this thread is supposed to be about Phoe, not the men who want her to stay exactly the same. I'm not including you in that.

 

I mean, seriously, I would like to understand what you are thinking.

 

You think I'm a jerk for posting what I posted about her?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I would like to start this by saying I am in no way close to being ready to date. I typically wait anywhere from 6 months to 6 years between dates, and with that said I intend to not try dating again until probably 2016.

 

I want to spend 2015 bettering myself.

 

It's no secret, I suck at dating. I'm the common denominator.

 

I've dated nothing but bad quality guys. Guys who cheated, left me, disrespected me, physically and verbally abused me. My most recent ex is the best I've ever had, which shows me I'm on the right track, but not there yet.

 

The issue is that these were the only men pursuing me. I wasn't turning men down in favor of the bad ones, they were all I got. And my own pursuits got rejected.

 

I need help. Brutal point blank honesty. I need to become a better person, and I need to stop stubbornly believing that by being myself I'll find the right guy.

 

I need to accept I can still be myself, while tweaking and altering things about myself. Being stubborn will be my downfall.

 

I need to improve everything. From looks, to demeanor, to mentality, to profession. None of what I'm currently doing is conducive to finding the right person.

 

I'd love constructive criticism and help. Men and women alike. Help me make 2015 the year of Phoe.

 

 

I haven't been back to LS for months, and I recognized immediately that things are still very similar.

 

You've probably been getting "point-blank honesty" for as long as you've been here at LS, and you're not letting that be okay.

 

I can imagine that one issue you've known, which isn't AS common to all, is that you're so attractive that you've been so bombarded with social attention that you never even get much of a chance to call a time-out, walk back to the huddle, and call the next play.

 

(instead some brute of a defensive lineman dashes across the line before the snap and tries to get you flat on your back)

 

 

First of all, look at the males in and around your world while you were in your formative years. Was there abuse or alcoholism or heavy drug use/addiction among them?

 

IF SO, then your challenge is much greater than what is considered normal, and you'd have to make allowances for same.

 

I know of one relationship expert who tells people with such backgrounds that when they find themselves reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally attracted to someone, that's the time to turn and run HARD the other way!!!

 

IF that (meaning the males in your early years) describes you, then that would explain why so many of the guys you've been dating and describing here have turned out to be so bad.

 

If instead you're merely a dreamboat with a beautiful face, a hot body, and everything that everybody wants, then convince yourself to stay in the batter's box and wait for your pitch - because you can afford to do so!

 

IF you find yourself wrapped in a career which doesn't have you meeting LOTS of good & healthy people then you need to take direct measures toward putting yourself in the paths of lots of people, and romantic candidates in particular. You wouldn't need to change careers, just make allowances for social limitations near to your work world, and actively OFFSET the dearth of possibilities there, by filling the rest of your life efficiently.

 

This is all stuff you've known for a thousand years, Phoe... so it's up to YOU to be brutally honest with yourself... and figure out just who is the girl in the mirror, and what obstacles and challenges hinder her romantic efforts.

 

We all know, by now, that you're a hottie... so it isn't that...

[CrystalCastles]

OK, ok. My bad. Criticize away.

 

But I stand by my judgement. There's nothing wrong with her, and her persona is actually unique and refreshing.

 

It is, I agree.

 

However, if you've acquainted yourself with Phoe's history, compliments aren't really going to help her to improve her dating life. If you care about her, give her some advice on how to improve her screening process, for example. Many people care about her, hence why you see this "criticism" you speak of. Its a demonstration of people wanting Phoe to be successful, and so they're being blunt and honest with their advice in the hopes that it will help Phoe find a good man. Just because they don't shower Phoe with compliments doesn't mean they don't care or are trying to be mean on purpose.

 

Phoe, I read over your list of requirements back on page 2. I don't see anything wrong with it, that was basically the same list I had (minus the job since I was mostly going for university students). I think Andy K gave good advice- I think personally you went quite quickly with your last guy. You didn't really see what else is out there- you just went with the first guy who came along. Maybe you aren't really cautious? Maybe you don't really pay attention to red flags when they come out?

[JuneJulySeptember]

It is, I agree.

 

However, if you've acquainted yourself with Phoe's history, compliments aren't really going to help her to improve her dating life. If you care about her, give her some advice on how to improve her screening process, for example. Many people care about her, hence why you see this "criticism" you speak of. Its a demonstration of people wanting Phoe to be successful, and so they're being blunt and honest with their advice in the hopes that it will help Phoe find a good man.

 

Phoe, I read over your list of requirements back on page 2. I don't see anything wrong with it, that was basically the same list I had (minus the job since I was mostly going for university students). I think Andy K gave good advice- I think personally you went quite quickly with your last guy. You didn't really see what else is out there- you just went with the first guy who came along. Maybe you aren't really cautious? Maybe you don't really pay attention to red flags when they come out?

 

Yes, I agree that I do not know her whole history.

 

BUT, I would hate to see her change and become more picky about things like superficial qualities. She is so down to Earth, she is a gem. That is where I am coming from. And that is where I will leave it.

 

BTW, this is what is known as communication. You say something. I say something. I nod my head. It is a good thing.

[amaysngrace]

I didn't read this thread Phoe so someone may have already recommended reading Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. If not, I do.

 

You may find it to be useful. xo

[xxoo]

Phoe, I may have the details wrong, but I remember a post you made recently about your OLD experience. You had a short, sweet profile, got a dozen or so suitable responses, made a date with the first to ask politely, and he became your boyfriend. Is that right?

 

If so, I'd suggest that you might benefit from dating far more casually for a few months. Keep the profile up and just go on some first dates. Compare the dates, and see how each man treats you differently, has different personalities, different life goals, different tastes, different humor, etc. Maybe you'll discover that you DO have preferences. There is NOTHING wrong with having preferences! It is what makes our own significant others special: they match our preferences. If you simply attach to the first man who asks politely, it is unlikely that you'll stumble upon a really wonderful match.

[Divasu]

Phoe, if it makes you feel any better, I am a bit of a tomboy myself. Not in the sense of sports per se, but I love action movies, horror movies, Quentin Tarantino, and my favorite thing growing up were building blocks, worms and making mud pies.

 

But, I also have a very "girly" side (you and I touched on our fondness of certain makeup products , and I do love dresses/skirts/heels.

 

I am harshly independent at times, so, just know there are others that can relate, and, I wish you lots of love on your journey to self discovery.

[Phoe]

Lots for me to address, but in the meantime I will say this.

 

 

Yes, I need harsh criticism.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Phoe, I may have the details wrong, but I remember a post you made recently about your OLD experience. You had a short, sweet profile, got a dozen or so suitable responses, made a date with the first to ask politely, and he became your boyfriend. Is that right?

 

If so, I'd suggest that you might benefit from dating far more casually for a few months. Keep the profile up and just go on some first dates. Compare the dates, and see how each man treats you differently, has different personalities, different life goals, different tastes, different humor, etc. Maybe you'll discover that you DO have preferences. There is NOTHING wrong with having preferences! It is what makes our own significant others special: they match our preferences. If you simply attach to the first man who asks politely, it is unlikely that you'll stumble upon a really wonderful match.

 

I like this post too.

 

I think that you should have strong preferences in terms of your preferences, but not necessarily your standards. Standards to me, means height, education, wealth etc.

 

I feel like this place is so trad and polarized in terms of which posters argue against other posters. It's almost like you know which posters are going to say what, or people assume what posters will say. I would like to break that.

 

But in keeping with theme, one criticism would be the job. I definitely think you should try and get into some sort of a career. Men will care about that later on, though I never caught your age. Toodaloo...

Edited November 6, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Rejected Rosebud]

Hi Phoe,

 

I haven't been reading this forum for very long but I remember a couple of things from recent posts of yours. One was you said "I never turn down guys, I have no business doing so." Another one was something about how you have never had an orgasm with a man but you would never expect one to work at it. You also wrote pretty bad stuff your ex said and did and then got mad when people were critical of it.

 

And you seem to have a negative view on women. You say that you are not like "most women" a lot. We're all unique but there is not anything wrong with being a woman.

 

I think those attitudes and whatever's behind them have to change for you to be healthy and make good choices. Why don't you think you should hold out for good things for yourself? Having standards and thinking well of yourself does not make you high maintenance or anything even though you will find plenty of guys who will say differently.

 

Do you have any close girlfriends?

[Els]

I like this post too.

But in keeping with theme, one criticism would be the job. I definitely think you should try and get into some sort of a career. Men will care about that later on, though I never caught your age. Toodaloo...

 

Amazing. JJS said something that I agree with...

 

Anyway, yeah. Your career - I'm not so sure many men will care about it, but YOU will, Phoe. It does heaps for your happiness and self-esteem to be in a career that you love and that gives you some form of satisfaction (be it achieving something, or having a nice lifestyle or work-life balance, or making money, or helping people, or whatever your non-relationship goal is). If getting a new job is really not an option you could try starting out on the side, doing a side project, a part-time job, volunteering etc.

 

I also second clia's suggestion to move, if your current location is lacking in opportunities.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Amazing. JJS said something that I agree with...

 

Anyway, yeah. Your career - I'm not so sure many men will care about it, but YOU will, Phoe. It does heaps for your happiness and self-esteem to be in a career that you love and that gives you some form of satisfaction (be it achieving something, or having a nice lifestyle or work-life balance, or making money, or helping people, or whatever your non-relationship goal is). If getting a new job is really not an option you could try starting out on the side, doing a side project, a part-time job, volunteering etc.

 

I also second clia's suggestion to move, if your current location is lacking in opportunities.

 

I agree with this. To be honest career does nothing for attracting men or at least not much. It does give you a huge dose of self confidence though. Just the fact that there are people that respect you, that you can afford a nice place, that you don't have to worry about money. When a man rejects you or treats you like ****..it's somehow easier to bear. It's easier to think "I'm worth more than this. I won't put up with this treatment".

 

You are smart and I know you are capable of more.

[somedude81]

I don't care about what a woman does for her career or what works she does. The amount of money she makes is irrelevant.

 

What I do care about is that she's doing work that she enjoys and makes her happy and fulfilled.

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree with this. To be honest career does nothing for attracting men or at least not much. It does give you a huge dose of self confidence though. Just the fact that there are people that respect you, that you can afford a nice place, that you don't have to worry about money. When a man rejects you or treats you like ****..it's somehow easier to bear. It's easier to think "I'm worth more than this. I won't put up with this treatment".

 

You are smart and I know you are capable of more.

 

I agree with your second point(about having mobility and flexibility)...The first point...eh...not so much...

 

As a guy Id like a woman that has a solid career and some skills...I have been completely self sufficient my whole life, but I also like a driven type as well, its a huge plus....For practical reasons, if nothing else, we live in a society where most couples need a combined income to live comfortably...If one person doesnt have any real job skills or career, then what happens if one member of the couple became unable to work for a time? Then its nice that the whole deal then doesnt wind up in the toilet..

 

TFY

[Million.to.1]

Phoe, awesome you are searching for answers. Great thread.

 

SomeDude. Take a leaf out of Phoes book. This is exactly the type of thread YOU should be starting about yourself.

Your advice on this thread to Phoe is so far has mostly been based around your own issues.

 

Telling her she should have broken up with her BF ages ago just sounds hilarious coming from you.

[somedude81]

Phoe, awesome you are searching for answers. Great thread.

 

SomeDude. Take a leaf out of Phoes book. This is exactly the type of thread YOU should be starting about yourself.

Your advice on this thread to Phoe is so far has mostly been based around your own issues.

 

Telling her she should have broken up with her BF ages ago just sounds hilarious coming from you.

 

My posts to Phoe have absolutely nothing to do with me. I have no clue how you came to that conclusion.

 

She should have broken up with him long ago, once again that has nothing to do with me. Just look at the threads she's made about him. She was unhappy with him for months.

 

The subject of this thread is Phoe, not me.

[mr.blond]

lol, judging by your pic your gorgeous. Id date you, that is if I hadn't just been destroyed by my ex girlfriend. I too am in self improvement mode.

[SycamoreCircle]