Improving Phoe

[GemmaUK]

GemmaUK

 

 

Those books actually sound perfect for me, especially the one about dangerous men, because I get fooled every time.

 

 

Which brings me to another point...

 

 

some posters seem to think that when I say I've dated some lousy men who were abusive, that I clearly just let them in like that right off the bat. I'm being told "don't date him if he's swearing all over the place, being a sleaze, etc"

 

 

That much is clear as day lol. One of the rejections I HAVE given, was a guy who tried to ask me out by being sexual and sleazy. Instant rejection.

 

 

The guys I DID date, started off VERY polite. None ever sweared in the first place, they were all very intelligent, no one used drugs or alcohol. Some were virgins. They all started out incredibly nice, and sweet. Mutual friends would say "Oh, I'm so glad you're dating billybob, he's such a nice person!" -stuff like that.

 

 

Nobody was acting like a jerk right off the bat. Jerky people don't get in the door.

 

 

It's only months later that it goes down the tube.

 

 

One example, my first boyfriend who spent several months courting me slowly, incredibly respectful and polite. I fell for him. It was only after MONTHS of me finally falling for him and trusting him, that he started to bring me down. Calling me fat. Demanding blowjobs twice a day. Refusing to touch me. Then cheated on me with a gorgeous girl, and left me for her. Maybe a month later one his friends cruelly came to me and said that my ex had only been with me for the blowjobs. I felt crushed. Then it was spread as a rumor. People coming up to me and telling me that they'd heard that. I finally confronted him and asked if it was true, and he said yes. He had used me. ALL OF THAT TIME... earning my trust... all to get some blowjobs and lose his virginity.

 

 

Never would've seen that coming.

 

 

Then the next boyfriend spent several months earning my trust, then cheated on me, and when I found out I rushed to his house to end it, it turned into an argument, and he backhanded me, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me as hard as he could before throwing me against my car. I immediately took off and never saw him again.

 

 

The 3rd boyfriend dumped me after a month. Meh. And the 4th/last one, most folks around here know a bit about him. He really wasn't bad at all, I just couldn't handle when he'd get upset at me over nothing. He tried to guilt trip me and emotionally manipulate me way too often.

 

 

The first book there is also a very funny read!

I have read The Rules and hated it, I've read Men are from Mars and also He's Not That Into You but Why Men Love B's was the one that made me laugh and smile as well as point out some of the things I could do better to show that I valued myself.

 

 

The Dangerous Man book you can get a taster of the checklists as I posted the one for a physical abuser on page #1, post #11 of a thread in the abuse section back in March. The thread is titled 'Question for women who have been in abusive relationships'.

I dated someone who was not a physical abuser but he had many of the traits in that list.

 

I totally agree that these behaviours only come out over time and honestly when things started happening with my ex they began as such petty little things that I ignored them and actually thought he was joking. I suspect that teeny tiny little things happened in the relationships you have posted about way before the events that you have described happened.

Many women are great at ignoring instincts - myself also. The book has helped me to listen to my instincts and heed them.

If I don't then I am the one setting myself up for an awful relationship basically.

The weird thing was that my ex was so sweet in the beginning and some of the things which should have set an alarm bell off in me did the reverse and I saw them as flattering - ie touches of jealousy & protectiveness.

 

 

I wish I had known what I know now. That 7 month RS would never have got past the first couple of weeks if I am brutally honest with myself.

 

 

PS. If you have a Kindle then there's a short read and it's a freebie on Amazon called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White. It's also another good read but shows just how small behaviours can change to more significant behaviours and how fast things can escalate.

[Copelandsanity]

Definitely agree that it might be time to move on to a different career. The reward:risk ratio with pursuing archaeology may be too low. It sounds like the type of field where rich and/or connected kids are primarily the ones getting the foot into the door.

 

This could be the big risk you have to take to change your life. Being successful in a new career you enjoy, moving to a bigger city (or just outside of it), ridding yourself of your manual labor job...these are the goals to shoot for...the vision you have to look forward to and get excited about.

[Phoe]

Definitely agree that it might be time to move on to a different career. The reward:risk ratio with pursuing archaeology may be too low. It sounds like the type of field where rich and/or connected kids are primarily the ones getting the foot into the door.

 

This could be the big risk you have to take to change your life. Being successful in a new career you enjoy, moving to a bigger city (or just outside of it), ridding yourself of your manual labor job...these are the goals to shoot for...the vision you have to look forward to and get excited about.

 

I agree. As much as getting my masters in archaeology has been my dream, I'm thinking I'd be better off pursuing education or something sports therapy related.

 

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of moving to Washington.

[MrNate 2.0]

Damn, I'm struggling to get a contributing post in mine and you're already at 10 pages.

 

What are some of the main short term goals you're working on right at this moment?

[will j]

Congrats on being brave and starting a new journey! Most never do.

 

You sound pretty cool actually. You just don't sound that turned on by life. I'm willing to bet you don't get out of your comfort zone that much. Make a list of things you want to do but you're scared of, and do one a week.

 

Read inspiring books. I don't know if it's up your alley, but "Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.

 

Date more. It sounds like you want to meet someone, so expose yourself to more people. I find I'm always at my edge when I'm relating with someone new.

 

Good luck!

[xxoo]

Teaching jr high sounds horrific! Haha. I'd go for either elementary or high school.

 

My mom is a teacher and always told me not to do it. Now that she realizes it's something I actually should've done, she's telling me to take the substitute teaching exam when it comes around (twice a year), and start doing some subbing.

 

Jr. High isn't so bad. Less of the babysitting of elementary school, and none of the pressures of high school (ap classes, SAT/ACT scores, writing recommendations, etc). But I love kids that age

 

Many states are beginning to have lateral entry programs, where people with a degree in something other than education can take a subject area exam and become a teacher. The qualifications differ, but it is something to look into.

[Phoe]

What are some of the main short term goals you're working on right at this moment?

 

Saving saving and saving.

 

Working on moving up at work, despite no long term goals of staying. I have a good opportunity coming up in February that may make a difference while I'm still with this company.

 

Next goal is to get my certifications for substitute teaching.

 

Applying for new jobs every week.

 

Also focusing on getting back to the fitness level I'm used to, overcoming the ankle injury, as well as focusing on taking the extra time with hair and makeup that I may not have normally done. Focusing more on what clothes I wear and projecting a more feminine look.

[Phoe]

Congrats on being brave and starting a new journey! Most never do.

 

You sound pretty cool actually. You just don't sound that turned on by life. I'm willing to bet you don't get out of your comfort zone that much. Make a list of things you want to do but you're scared of, and do one a week.

 

Read inspiring books. I don't know if it's up your alley, but "Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.

 

Date more. It sounds like you want to meet someone, so expose yourself to more people. I find I'm always at my edge when I'm relating with someone new.

 

Good luck!

 

I'm not sure what you mean by comfort zone. There's not much I'm afraid of. I'm the kind of girl who will try anything and everything. I'm quite uninhibited in many ways.

 

I'm not looking to date right now, but "date more" is advice that's hard for me to actually follow. I struggled for years to get dates. Can't date more when you can't get a date to go on. My early 20's were pretty lonely. But right now I don't want to date.

[MrNate 2.0]

Saving saving and saving.

 

Working on moving up at work, despite no long term goals of staying. I have a good opportunity coming up in February that may make a difference while I'm still with this company.

 

Next goal is to get my certifications for substitute teaching.

 

Applying for new jobs every week.

 

Also focusing on getting back to the fitness level I'm used to, overcoming the ankle injury, as well as focusing on taking the extra time with hair and makeup that I may not have normally done. Focusing more on what clothes I wear and projecting a more feminine look.

 

 

 

Awesome. These all sound definitely doable

 

I guess you can say I'm working on similar things, except from a male angle, of course.

 

 

And as for the whole femininity thing, I think xxoo would be a great resource for advice in that department as well. She gives off a very strong feminine vibe.

[TouchedByViolet]

Based on your pictures being feminine is not your problem. You are undeniably attractive. I don't care if you are wearing a dress, a t-shirt or a penguin costume. You are pretty.

 

As a few others have said maybe your struggle has primarily been a result of the area you are in? If there aren't that many single guys around you, it's like fishing out of an empty pond.

 

You are one of the nicest female posters here and your struggle is hard to believe considering how many positive qualities you have. Your continual drive for self improvement is admirable and you are definitely a quality chick.

[True Gent]

Based on your pictures being feminine is not your problem. You are undeniably attractive. I don't care if you are wearing a dress, a t-shirt or a penguin costume. You are pretty.

 

As a few others have said maybe your struggle has primarily been a result of the area you are in? If there aren't that many single guys around you, it's like fishing out of an empty pond.

 

You are one of the nicest female posters here and your struggle is hard to believe considering how many positive qualities you have. Your continual drive for self improvement is admirable and you are definitely a quality chick.

 

I totally agree with this, Phoe seems pretty awesome from what I can tell!

 

Kudos to her for still trying to improve herself further for her own reasons.