Calling all dumpers

[bb1205]

Dumpers,

 

I've come to notice something in your ways of ending relationships. Although you all dump someone, you do it for different reasons, and you feel differently afterwards. SO I wanted to address this and have all of you non-cold hearted *******s chime in:

 

1. You are essentially a forced dumper, because the person you're dumping has literally pushed you to it. They don't care anymore, they snap at you, they start fights with you, they show less interest, maybe they cheat on you or aren't being loyal, they just CLEARLY aren't the same person, they've started acting differently and you feel that it has to be done.

 

2. Then there are those of you that catch gigs, or don't feel as in love with the other person anymore. You essentially lose interest, which seemingly brings you to treat the other person badly as you start to emotionally disconnect and distance yourself and then you drop the bomb and make your exit.

 

 

SO, with this being said, and after reading SO many Dumper POV's on all of these websites, I kinda came to the conclusion that there are also 2 mourning processes.

 

1. You mourn right after it happens, it's horrible guilt and pain and you feel so bad for breaking this special persons heart and you wish things were different and it sucks and its hard yada yada

 

Then, more interestingly, some of you (specifically men from what I've read) get an ego trip off of the poor dumpee who is sad and upset and set off on your gigs adventure.

 

2. You start going out every night, you tell everyone you're fine, your life is great. You're drinking, meeting new people, having an absolute BALL out there. And then something funny happens, the relief period wears off after 2-3 months and all of a sudden you start to mourn the loss of the relationship. You start missing the dumpee, you start wondering, you think etc.

 

Now, I would love all of you dumpers out there to chime in with your personal experiences =)

[ThorntonMelon]

I think most of us have been both dumper and dumpee in our lives.

 

I have given a lot of advice on here through the years. I very, very rarely criticize someone from dumping someone else. My advice is always involved around aiding those who ask for it in making healthy choices, because usually, after a dumping, the mind of the dumpee has turned into a semi-gelatinous material and is incapable of anything involving rational decision making.

 

There is no standard dumper or dumping reason. When we are on here, we hear one side of the story, and the reasons for why decisions are made are very rarely available.

 

We all mourn differently. We process relationships differently, we have different feelings, needs, wishes, desires.

 

What is more important is to treat ourselves with respect, dignity, and value. Which means not accepting less than what we need from any relationship.

 

Specifically to your question there are probably as many mourning processes as there are people - my guess is that they can be lumped into 5-10 basic groups, but within there's a lot of variation.

 

I've never really experienced GIGS, but my brain doesn't work that way, I am a very logical, focused person who is so goal oriented that I wouldn't really get lost in fantasy land. That being said, it obviously exists.

 

Anyone who doesn't feel bad for hurting someone else is a sociopath. But we process it differently. Outward expressions don't always reflect inward feelings.

[SoThatHappened]

We were high school sweethearts and had been on and off through school/college and a few years after college. Then, finally got together "for good" for over 7 years, and lived together the last 3.

 

Long story short, I broke up with her because we simply didn't see things the same way. I had to be strong for both of us, and couldn't lean on her when I needed to sometimes. Loved her with all my heart and always will, but couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling more like her dad than her partner.

 

She wouldn't accept that I wanted out, and wouldn't leave... for over a year. Finally had to do something drastic to get her out and breakup.

 

So, I fall in your first Option #1, but broke up for different reasons.

 

Right after the breakup, I drowned myself in a 22-year old (11 years my junior). She ripped my heart out. Whole different story.

 

So for a while, I felt the relief from breaking up with the long-term girl. Then, yes, after a few months it wore off and I mourned the loss of it. And yes, missed her.

 

I should clarify, that the way I had to breakup with her was the hardest to accept. I would likely still miss her even if it was amicable, but the way it ended made me feel bad.

[zen2475]

I've broken up with people for a lot more different reasons than those listed, and my experience in the aftermath was just as varied.

 

Conversely, I've been dumped a number of times, and again, my experience with each was varied. I've experienced some real heart break, and with some I was truly apathetic.

 

I left my longest relationship of seven years because he was abusive, lazy and narcissistic. He was also an alcoholic. It took a couple of years of therapy to get out of that relationship, but it was hands-down the best and worst thing I ever went through. The therapy helped me realize I deserved so much better, and that lesson is one that has never left me. I never went back to him and have no regrets. I communicated with him and patiently (like in years) gave him opportunity to change, and he never did. I have no regrets about leaving him.

 

A few years ago I broke up with someone who was just way too young for me. We enjoyed a nice relationship for about eight months, but I knew it was not going to go anywhere, so I decided to let him go. I'm not proud of the way I did it, and it was out of the blue for him. I regret and am ashamed of how I handled it, and he deserved better. I later apologized to him for my behavior, but really, I had no intention of going back to him either.

[annisk]

I'm a dumpee but I will defend the actions of a dumper and say that it can be different if the relationship they were in was abusive/generally bad overall, causing them to leave. But if it wasn't, then those feelings of guilt and regret may chime in. In terms of falling out of love, for example. Those feelings are a lot more likely. But chances are, once they find someone they're completely head over heels for and CONTINUE to feel head over heels for for a long time, those feelings of guilt and regret will no longer persist.

 

I don't really know, to be honest. I've never experienced being a dumper.

[bb1205]

Good points everyone.

 

First off, I'd like to apologize for over generalizing. I know there are in fact A LOT of reasons why people break up, I just could not see myself typing anymore than I already did. I guess what I meant to point out is that a lot of times it's more impulsive frustration with incompatibilities or life stresses and what not, and others it is a falling out of love, wanting something more, being bored with relationship kind of deal. By all means there are many other reasons, or combinations of some of those reasons listed above.

 

I do also believe that there are different recovery processes depending on the dumper in question. After dedicating many hours on this website I've read through so many posts and seen so many commonalities in regards to success stories. Don't get me wrong I have seen all of the posts of exes that never come back.

 

I can't shake the 3 month thing. It's absolutely staggering how many dumper POV's have mentioned something along the lines of I was cruising along for the first 2 months then it started to hit me. I think there is a lot of truth to that theory that his been mentioned on here a few times, that it takes men in particular about 8 weeks to evaluate the loss of you. It's almost like **IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS** (i.e. dumper was overwhelmed, annoyed, exhausted of dealing with dumpee and problems) they are CLUELESS as to how they even feel for 2 months. They keep themselves so busy with friends, going out, work, school, what have you, that they don't even process the loss of you.

 

I remember my ex's own SISTER, who he usually confideded in for all things relating to our relationship, told me she asked him how he was doing, and he told her he was absolutely fine. The scarier part is, (she's his sister, lives in a house with him, has seen him cry about me during past breaks we've taken) she knew he was being 100% serious. She told me he didn't mention one thing about me until 9 weeks into the breakup, when he asked her if she had spoken to me. Not long after that she noticed a shift in his behavior, then noticed him getting more and more mundane about life.

 

I want to point out that his sister and I were friends before him and I started dating 3 years ago, so she has always helped me out by being my inside WOman lol.

 

Anyways, month 3 and what do you know? The shift is real.

 

Not saying this is true for all relationships AT ALL, just saying as it relates to my relationship with my 25 year old immature gigs type of ex boyfriend situation, it's very real.

 

 

*I know chipmanA is ready to kill me for being hopeful but I will continue to be so long as it doesn't interfere with my life. I think the reason I'm still on here honestly is because I'm more interested in the psychology of breakups, and wrapping my head around it all. After all, I was a college psych major .*

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I had no intention of posting in this thread, but you called me out so I may as well.

 

So after 9 weeks he asked his sister if she'd spoken to you, and...that's it? Has he reached out to you? Has he told you he wants you back? If not, then you're seriously reaching to assume he has any interest or misses you. It's been 3 months. He probably just got tired of blowing his whole paycheck on happy hours (which a lot of us do after breakups no matter whether we're dumping or being dumped). You're not a part of his life anymore. You don't know what he's doing and why. Trying to explain his behavior based on the very little that you know is neither accurate nor helpful.

 

I will continue to be [hopeful] so long as it doesn't interfere with my life.

 

But it does interfere with your life. You're still posting these threads about the psychology of dumpers specifically as it pertains to your situation. Your every post is full of elaborate mental gymnastics and anecdata to convince yourself he's coming back. You aren't moving on, you aren't doing new things, you haven't accepted that it's genuinely over.

 

Don't get me wrong. What you're doing is absolutely normal, to a degree. I just don't think it's healthy. And it IS interfering with your life.

Edited November 4, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[bb1205]

He does miss me. I know that because a mutual friend of ours told me that my ex has told him that he has started to have more and more thoughts about me and has started to miss me, essentially word for word this kid told me "It's started to hit him now" 3 months later. Is that enough for him to come back? Clearly not, or at least not yet, as he has not reached out and that's fine. Wish things were different, but still it's fine.

 

As for me, you're right I have not moved on yet from a 3 year relationship, with an ex who was my first boyfriend, first love and everything else that comes along with that. And you made sure to mention that this kind of behavior of rationalizing that he'll be back is totally normal, and to be honest, and much as everyone on here stresses MOVE ON, STOP SOCIAL MEDIA STALKING, STOP FISHING FOR INFORMATION, we all do it at some point. My parents did it, My older siblings did it, my friends currently do it. Everyone does it and guess what, everyone gets passed it either way. Maybe for you you found that cutting off everything to do with your ex and moving on with your life was the best way, and I completely respect - actually, I applaud you for having that kind of strength.

 

What i'm doing is part of the natural grieving process, especially for someone who has never experienced a breakup before. Anyone that says that they completely cut off every thought of their ex, and urge to/act of checking up on info forever after "x amount of time" after a breakup is lying or... just a really STRONG person - which I am not. I have a lot of emotions and feelings specifically about this person who was my best friend and to be quite honest the idea of completely cutting off any hope (at least at this stage in the game) brings me more hurt and pain than keeping it alive until a point where enough time has gone by that I have either met someone else, or simply moved on.

 

 

In talking to many of my friends who have gone through breakups in the past they all say that they did the same thing until a. their ex came back b. they moved on or c. they met someone else

 

So in regards to your comment, I completely understand what you're saying, and I agree the process is maddening but FOR ME, knowing how I am as a person, this is the best way to deal with it. It may not be the right way or whatever but it's the way I choose to do it because the alternative of just giving up hope and moving on is much much more maddening at this stage in the game.

 

 

***sorry if that sounds like a rant it's totally not I'm just hyped on 3 cups of coffee right now

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

No one is saying you should be over him. But at three months you should start accepting that the relationship is 100% over, even if your feelings aren't. Do not try to convince yourself that he's coming back, or that it's just like this other relationship where they came back (if I had a dollar for every time someone mentioned "William and Kate" on this board, I'd be a millionaire). Tell yourself "It's over" every day if that helps.

 

Tell his friends to stop talking about him. Do you know how many times my Worst Ex's friends told me he missed me and wanted to get back together? Or how his family was so upset and was encouraging him to reach out? How many threads have you seen here where someone heard that their X was really missing them and wanted to get back together, only for nothing to come of it? None of that secondhand talk matters no matter how authoritative the source. The only words you can trust are from his mouth and if you aren't hearing any, that's all you need to know.

 

You do not need to wait on a man. A truly good man knows he wants to be with you and will be with you, no life-changing realizations required. You are worth too much to sit around and hope that someone eventually wants to be with you someday. Besides, life is too short.

 

It's scary, but one of the best things about your first big breakup is the eventual realization that there are so, so, so many more people out there to kiss and date and love and despise and all that. The world is huge and you're still so young. You will change so much in the next few years that you'll be completely unrecognizable to yourself by the time you're 26. You'll think to yourself "how did I ever waste my time on him?"

[Sugarkane]

I've dumped a couple of people. And I've never cheated on or abused by anyone and have been cruelly dumped by some real Aholes.