Relationships and Timing

[annisk]

Good ol' timing. I know we all say that if we ever met the right person for us, timing wouldn't be such an issue. But sometimes, it's not really the timing per se, but the people DURING the time in which they met, if that makes sense?

 

I've read so many cases of.. "If only we met 10 years from now" and some very lucky second chance stories along the lines of "We broke up because we were too young to commit, fast forward 10 years later, we bumped into each other and are now happily married."

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, people break-up at a young age for a myriad of reasons: itchy feet, immaturity, fear of commitment, etc. So much of settling down seems like a matter of age to me! Getting married and settling down with whoever you're with when you're at whatever age you think it's appropriate for you to do so.

 

At such a young age, I understand it's hard to tell if a person's the right person, and letting go to grow as an individual, play the field and such helps. But if nothing was fundamentally wrong (no abuse, cheating, dishonesty, personal incompatibilities) in a relationship you had when you were younger, but broke up due to reasons above, don't you risk the chance of losing that person forever?

 

P.S. Not sure if this is the right section for this thread.

[elaine567]

don't you risk the chance of losing that person forever?

 

Yes, you do, but breaking up is not something you do if you are completely happy either.

Sometimes the "itchy feet, immaturity, fear of commitment, etc." are just excuses to leave something that in our heart of hearts we know isn't quite right.

We don't tend to break up with people we find interesting and who we are very compatible with, we break up with those who bore us or who fight with us or we think we have little in common with.

 

When young there are many opportunities to meet new people, as we age those opportunities tend to reduce as others pair up, and that is why I think some end up going back to give old relationships a second chance. They know that the chance of forming entirely new partnerships is decreasing, so they decide, better the devil that they know.

That is especially true, if both desire children and both want to settle down in a home and the clock is ticking.

[howcouldInotknow]

I think timing is everything when it comes to relationships. About two years ago I met the most amazing guy. Everything about him spoke to my spirit and if soulmates really exist he would be that person for me. The connection was so strong it was almost like I could feel this man. But I was dealing with what seemed like the never ending break up, he was separated in the process of divorce. We spent time together but never made it into something serious because of where we were in our lives. He said to me he would always regret where he was in his life when we met. I know and he knows had we met two years from now the relationship would have been something else. Sometimes you meet the right person and it difficult to keep it together. Same as when I was younger I met a wonderful guy we are still friends to this day. We dated but I wanted to live my life and experience the world.

 

As for giving some relationships a second chance it can happen and work out the second time. Depends on how the first split went. Not all break ups are bitter. Sometimes the timing is just off and 5 years down the road it all comes together. My cousin married this past summer to a man she knew and was friends with for over 30 years. What changed? The timing was right.

Edited November 6, 2014 by howcouldInotknow
Added more

[Mr. Lucky]

But if nothing was fundamentally wrong (no abuse, cheating, dishonesty, personal incompatibilities) in a relationship you had when you were younger, but broke up due to reasons above, don't you risk the chance of losing that person forever?

 

It should be a weighed decision. If you stay together, you risk all other things that come with a relationship you're neither prepared for nor able to find a healthy space in.

 

I'd rather have left too early than too late, rather have thoughts of "what if" than "what was I thinking"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[annisk]

Yes, you do, but breaking up is not something you do if you are completely happy either.

Sometimes the "itchy feet, immaturity, fear of commitment, etc." are just excuses to leave something that in our heart of hearts we know isn't quite right.

We don't tend to break up with people we find interesting and who we are very compatible with, we break up with those who bore us or who fight with us or we think we have little in common with.

 

You make very fair points, Elaine. But I could also argue that if someone is having doubts about committing - even though they're perfectly happy with the person, it's simply about being honest and communicating that with your partner rather than stringing them along, don't you think?

 

It's not about not being on the same page about the person, it's about being on the same page regarding the relationship.

 

Imagine if someone knew that the person they were dating at the time was the one for them but they were too young to commit. Had they continued to date, they would've gotten married. But monogamy is such a social construct. Speaking as a 20 something y/o, I know for a fact that I am too young to commit to someone right now for 10 years, marry them, and live with them for another however many decades until I die. It's likely that my marriage to that person would fail because I would inevitably have thoughts such as "wish I had experienced more partners," etc. I know it may seem like an ungrateful thought to have, but humans biologically crave nature and people need to acknowledge that. It's not about not being ungrateful for what you have, it's really just about knowing, isn't it?

 

How do you know brand A of yoghurt is the yoghurt for you until you've tried brand B of yoghurt? Horrible analogy, but I hope this gets my point across.

 

Just like Mr. Lucky here has said. If you're in a relationship in which the dynamics prove it's not something you're ready for, best to leave sooner before anything bad happens than to get too far into it when s*** starts to hit the fan, ruining what could've been a healthier relationship had you saved it for the future.

 

It should be a weighed decision. If you stay together, you risk all other things that come with a relationship you're neither prepared for nor able to find a healthy space in.

 

I'd rather have left too early than too late, rather have thoughts of "what if" than "what was I thinking"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I guess my main question of risking the chance of losing that someone still lingers. It's just that it's unfair and a pretty messed up way to go about life telling someone, "okay, you're perfect, but come back in 10 years when I'm ready to get married." It's unfair to both partners AND to all of the people that they date in between because that doesn't make it a clean break and prohibits both partners the possibility of fully committing themselves to other people in between, you see?

 

Even if the two don't wind up getting married, surely they will with someone else and at least then they have something pleasant to look back on, no?

 

I know a few friends who could've married their first loves had they met later on life, but they went about their relationship in such a way where they let their itchy feet and GIGS cloud their opinion of their SO, began snapping at them and let their love fade.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You make very fair points, Elaine. But I could also argue that if someone is having doubts about committing - even though they're perfectly happy with the person, it's simply about being honest and communicating that with your partner rather than stringing them along, don't you think?

 

It's not about not being on the same page about the person, it's about being on the same page regarding the relationship.

 

Imagine if someone knew that the person they were dating at the time was the one for them but they were too young to commit. Had they continued to date, they would've gotten married. But monogamy is such a social construct. Speaking as a 20 something y/o, I know for a fact that I am too young to commit to someone right now for 10 years, marry them, and live with them for another however many decades until I die. It's likely that my marriage to that person would fail because I would inevitably have thoughts such as "wish I had experienced more partners," etc. I know it may seem like an ungrateful thought to have, but humans biologically crave nature and people need to acknowledge that. It's not about not being ungrateful for what you have, it's really just about knowing, isn't it?

 

How do you know brand A of yoghurt is the yoghurt for you until you've tried brand B of yoghurt? Horrible analogy, but I hope this gets my point across.

 

Just like Mr. Lucky here has said. If you're in a relationship in which the dynamics prove it's not something you're ready for, best to leave sooner before anything bad happens than to get too far into it when s*** starts to hit the fan, ruining what could've been a healthier relationship had you saved it for the future.

 

 

 

 

I guess my main question of risking the chance of losing that someone still lingers. It's just that it's unfair and a pretty messed up way to go about life telling someone, "okay, you're perfect, but come back in 10 years when I'm ready to get married." It's unfair to both partners AND to all of the people that they date in between because that doesn't make it a clean break and prohibits both partners the possibility of fully committing themselves to other people in between, you see?

 

Even if the two don't wind up getting married, surely they will with someone else and at least then they have something pleasant to look back on, no?

 

I know a few friends who could've married their first loves had they met later on life, but they went about their relationship in such a way where they let their itchy feet and GIGS cloud their opinion of their SO, began snapping at them and let their love fade.

 

Most people don't actually, seriously mean it when they talk about 'hey, say if we're both single and 40... let's get back together'. It's usually just something people say to ease the pain of breaking up, with both parties fully aware that so many things will happen in that interim period it's a near impossibility of ever happening.

 

If somebody really wants to be with you, they will be with you now, whatever the circumstances. They wouldn't run the risk of letting you go and somebody else snapping you up.

 

I'd have no doubt that both parties are out dating a year or two after such a discussion and are giving their new dating partners their full attention and commitment, not thinking 'oh gee, better keep this casual so I'm still available in another seven years time for *name*!'

[elaine567]

If somebody really wants to be with you, they will be with you now, whatever the circumstances. They wouldn't run the risk of letting you go and somebody else snapping you up.

'

 

Yes, that is what I believe too. People break up because the person doesn't really suit, not because the timing is wrong.

 

If you are 20, want to see the world, live in a big city and found a company, you are hardly likely to see a long term future with a man who wants to live in the country, sit on the sofa with you watching TV and whose idea of fun is a night at the local pub.

You may see that as not a bad thing when you are 40, in fact that may sound idyllic then, but at 20 that just isn't right for you, as you see your ambitions elsewhere, therefore you break up with him. You may see that as a timing issue, but it is a person issue, he just doesn't tick all the boxes for you.

 

Whereas if you meet a man who will support all your ambitions, but you can also see the two of you sitting on the sofa in the country in your middle age then even if you met him at 20, why would you want to break up with him, he is perfect.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Whereas if you meet a man who will support all your ambitions, but you can also see the two of you sitting on the sofa in the country in your middle age then even if you met him at 20, why would you want to break up with him, he is perfect.

 

Because life throws so many curve balls at all of us! People grow and change, and not always in the same direction. It's not as simple as saying aged 25 or whatever 'you're perfect for me' and then you're happily ever after until one of you dies.

 

If someone is breaking up with their partner then they clearly don't see the partner as perfect for them. It's not all about compatibility in supporting one another's goals, either, look how many couples are together that are chalk and cheese and deep down want different things but they are so crazy about each other they'd rather stick it out and deal with it when it comes up and work through it.

 

Remember this... everybody changes, all of the time. Their situations change, which can impact upon their personalities... I was a happy go-lucky fun loving outgoing person when I got with my ex. A month later, my parent died. He couldn't really leave me in good conscience I don't think because of the recent bereavement but the two years we were together, can't have been what he imagined they would be when he asked me out. I was depressed, crying every day, ill with stress and often inconsolable. It's an extreme example and I'm fine now so that's not me looking for sympathy, but it's an example of how major life changes can change a person and make them not want what they wanted before. Even minor life changes can do this. You don't know what life is going to throw at you. I've known partners be happy for years, then one of them has a bereavement or gets made redundant or whatever, and they split.

 

Has this happened to you or something? Is that what you're worried about? Have you been dumped by someone you thought you were 'perfect' for?

[annisk]

Most people don't actually, seriously mean it when they talk about 'hey, say if we're both single and 40... let's get back together'. It's usually just something people say to ease the pain of breaking up, with both parties fully aware that so many things will happen in that interim period it's a near impossibility of ever happening.

 

If somebody really wants to be with you, they will be with you now, whatever the circumstances. They wouldn't run the risk of letting you go and somebody else snapping you up.

 

I'd have no doubt that both parties are out dating a year or two after such a discussion and are giving their new dating partners their full attention and commitment, not thinking 'oh gee, better keep this casual so I'm still available in another seven years time for *name*!'

 

I don't think people should ever explicitly express that if they're both single and 40 that they should get back together. That makes things messy and complicated and links to both yours and my point of giving their next partner their full attention. A clean break and NC should apply. No one or no two people should ever give a sense of false hope. You're very right and I agree wholly that many things will happen in that interim period that it's a near impossibility of ever happening.

 

People grow tremendously. You could date someone in your early 20's who was right for you then, but may not be if you had met 8 years later.

 

Anyway, I suppose that's where my frustration lies. Commitment in your 20's can be hard and scary. But what I'm trying to say here is that someone could be with you, but realise they aren't ready to fully commit at such a young age and so honestly communicate that to their partner. They could very well continue to stay in the relationship, but if one partner isn't fully committed, bad things will happen - lying, cheating, etc. And that ruins everything.

 

I don't understand why people are so hung up over the idea of "if someone really wanted to be with you, they would." It's true, to some extent. But you can love someone and not be with them. It's just about being honest. So often, I hear/have read stories of people staying with someone they're with because they love them, enjoy their company and the relationship and they don't want to risk the chance of letting them go and having someone else snap them up, but know deep inside that they're not fully committed the way they should be because of thoughts about what else is out there or simply perhaps wanting to keep things casual at such a young age. Why is the idea of that so frowned upon? And that's not fair on the other partner. That's not to say they've taken action on their thoughts, but having thoughts like that alone show you're not fully committed. It's just about being honest regarding your true feelings and if you really loved someone, that's the least you could do, isn't it? No matter how much it hurts.

 

Sh-t like this happens. It's painful to acknowledge, but it's true. So why not let that person go and if 10 years down the line, if and when both partners are single and both ready to commit and their paths cross, make it happen again? If you had left early enough that nothing bad happened, I don't see why it couldn't happen.

 

Again, this all links back to Mr Lucky's point about leaving early and having thoughts of "what if''s" as opposed to "what was I thinking.."

 

No?

[annisk]

Yes, that is what I believe too. People break up because the person doesn't really suit, not because the timing is wrong.

 

If you are 20, want to see the world, live in a big city and found a company, you are hardly likely to see a long term future with a man who wants to live in the country, sit on the sofa with you watching TV and whose idea of fun is a night at the local pub.

You may see that as not a bad thing when you are 40, in fact that may sound idyllic then, but at 20 that just isn't right for you, as you see your ambitions elsewhere, therefore you break up with him. You may see that as a timing issue, but it is a person issue, he just doesn't tick all the boxes for you.

 

Whereas if you meet a man who will support all your ambitions, but you can also see the two of you sitting on the sofa in the country in your middle age then even if you met him at 20, why would you want to break up with him, he is perfect.

 

Ah, I see your perspective of it being a person thing now. I never thought about it that way. Thanks.

 

Because life throws so many curve balls at all of us! People grow and change, and not always in the same direction. It's not as simple as saying aged 25 or whatever 'you're perfect for me' and then you're happily ever after until one of you dies.

 

But that's just the thing isn't it?! People who get married so young, how do they know what's going to happen in 5 years? 10 years? Will they still be compatible personality wise?

 

If someone is breaking up with their partner then they clearly don't see the partner as perfect for them. It's not all about compatibility in supporting one another's goals, either, look how many couples are together that are chalk and cheese and deep down want different things but they are so crazy about each other they'd rather stick it out and deal with it when it comes up and work through it.

 

Remember this... everybody changes, all of the time. Their situations change, which can impact upon their personalities... I was a happy go-lucky fun loving outgoing person when I got with my ex. A month later, my parent died. He couldn't really leave me in good conscience I don't think because of the recent bereavement but the two years we were together, can't have been what he imagined they would be when he asked me out. I was depressed, crying every day, ill with stress and often inconsolable. It's an extreme example and I'm fine now so that's not me looking for sympathy, but it's an example of how major life changes can change a person and make them not want what they wanted before. Even minor life changes can do this. You don't know what life is going to throw at you. I've known partners be happy for years, then one of them has a bereavement or gets made redundant or whatever, and they split.

 

Has this happened to you or something? Is that what you're worried about? Have you been dumped by someone you thought you were 'perfect' for?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your parent. My condolences.

 

Also yes. You've caught me, haven't you? Haha. I'm just having an existential crisis regarding the selection of your life partner. Who's to say that when you get married at 30 that you won't be any different when you're 40, akin to how if you get married at 20 that you won't be any different to when you're 30?

 

I hate to do this but I'll vulnerably admit right now that I personally think my ex-boyfriend and I were very compatible in terms of background, interests and outlook of life. Practically the male version of me, as narcissistic as that sounds. It's just that perhaps the relationship was moving in a very serious direction and he wasn't ready for that.

[elaine567]

 

I hate to do this but I'll vulnerably admit right now that I personally think my ex-boyfriend and I were very compatible in terms of background, interests and outlook of life. Practically the male version of me, as narcissistic as that sounds. It's just that perhaps the relationship was moving in a very serious direction and he wasn't ready for that.

 

I think it is very difficult to second guess why relationships break up especially if you are involved personally.

As the person being "dumped", you can send yourself mad, going over and over again, why it didn't work out.

Sometimes the real reasons are so trivial, they defy belief, so do not beat yourself up. He just wasn't for you.

[annisk]

I think it is very difficult to second guess why relationships break up especially if you are involved personally.

As the person being "dumped", you can send yourself mad, going over and over again, why it didn't work out.

Sometimes the real reasons are so trivial, they defy belief, so do not beat yourself up. He just wasn't for you.

 

I know. I've slowly come to accept that. I'm not looking to reconcile, in case that's what anyone is thinking. I'm mostly just trying to understand the dynamics of relationships and gain as much perspective as possible.

 

With all of that said, I am open to the possibility of something happening again in the very far future.

 

It's possible the only reason I'm thinking all of this is because very soon after my ex and I started to date, I had thoughts such as "you're perfect, but I wish we had met later because I think I need to experience more things." Obviously I didn't do anything about it because I got to a point where I was content with the idea of being with him forever. Maybe that point would've come to an end later, but it obviously didn't for as long as we were together. Not for me, at least?

 

But yeah, the answer could be something trivial. Who knows.

 

Strangely, I'm happy the break-up happened because it's really brought to light things I needed to learn that I never would've been able to had I stayed in a relationship. It's just the great loss that I'm struggling to deal with at the moment.

[annisk]

You may see that as not a bad thing when you are 40, in fact that may sound idyllic then, but at 20 that just isn't right for you, as you see your ambitions elsewhere, therefore you break up with him. You may see that as a timing issue, but it is a person issue, he just doesn't tick all the boxes for you.

 

Whereas if you meet a man who will support all your ambitions, but you can also see the two of you sitting on the sofa in the country in your middle age then even if you met him at 20, why would you want to break up with him, he is perfect.

 

Hold that thought, I have another question. So in the same way people can be compatible now, but not later. Can't people be incompatible now, but be compatible later?

[elaine567]

Can't people be incompatible now, but be compatible later?

 

Of course, people change all the time.

Experience and priorities enter into the equation, what seemed a perfect match may suddenly not look so perfect.

If your intention was merely to have a good time at 20, then at 25, that fun man may not look like a father and provider for your potential children.

That apparently "boring" man when you are 20, may suddenly look perfect for you at 30.

In the same way that "fascinating man" that you dated at 20, may seem like a right idiot to you, when you look back at 23.

 

You cannot cling to the thought that your ex may suddenly see you as perfect at 30.

That is unlikely to happen, other things get in the way. He may at 28 think back briefly on your relationship in the dead of night, one night, if he is still single then, but by 30 he is happily married, with the "love of his life" expecting his first child, and you are completely forgotten... there are too many variable in life to assume fairytale endings.

IMO No good can come of hankering after exes, there is usually a very good reason why they are exes, you may not see it now, but it is much better to move on and find someone better.

[annisk]

I typed a really long paragraph of my thoughts, but got rid of it all.

 

A relationship counsellor would have a field day with me, honestly. Because to me, it was a perfect relationship but to him, it was time to break up. Big gulf there where I'm not seeing the other person's perspective. Which I guess is what I'm trying to do.