I'm not happy with how my life is going, feel like a misfit, and wish I never existed

[Kitchen]

Hi guys. I'm a 27yo male, and am feeling lost in life. I wasn't sure where to post this because it's a mix of career and woman issues for me, but this thread seemed to fit well.

 

First with the career. I'm a 2nd year Medical Student. I'm repeating the year because I failed out last year due to a broken relationship. I'm doing much better this year, but I just don't know if it is the career for me; I wasn't ever very sure. I chose this field because I wanted to work for myself eventually, and because I like the color of non-cubicle work environment. But I never had a deep passion to learn about the body, or even take care of people. These things are nice, but it was never something I REALLY had a drive towards. Given that I don't hate it, it would be fine continuing except the piling debts, and the next 5 years of slave work in hospital rotations and residency.

 

Meanwhile, all my friends have incomes and are moving on with their lives. Which brings me to my woman issues. There are many students who are married, have gfs, or what not; but it just so happens to be that in my culture, girls are turned off by anyone who doesn't have a job, even if they are pursuing something great like medicine. Paradoxically, every woman wants to be with a Doctor. So it's been so tough for me to date anyone with my status. Additionally, many girls are hesitant because there is always the possibility that I get my residency in some random state in another part of the country. I understand their concerns, and these things would be worth giving up for someone who truly loves Medicine. But for the rest of us who merely just "like" it, it can be depressing, particularly because I will be 32 by the time I am done with residency.

 

Meanwhile, my ex-gf, whom I had a messy (and unnecessary) break up with last year, started dating a doctor (resident) the next day after our breakup. In fact, our relationships kind of overlapped, and she even cheated on him with me in the beginning. I say our breakup was unnecessary because a lot of it had to do with our egos, both of which are massive. I think we both really loved each other, and still might, and that we're a great match. But we let pride get in the way and it was really a technical breakup. Anyway, she happens to be in the same large group of friends as me, so I see them from time to time. It just sucks that she was able to move on the way she did, while cheating, and rebounding, and found a guy who is head over heels for her. She had even told me that his previous gf (before her) cheated on him, and that's why they broke up. It's been well over a year for them and I am expecting an engagement soon.

 

Meanwhile I have struggled to find anyone. And it's not that I haven't tried; I joined dating sites, I try going out often, and have probably either gone out with or talked to in an attempt to go out with 20-30 women over the last year. Sometimes I lose interest, and most of the time they lose interest.

 

Being a non-earning student makes it worse, as I said. My best friend, whom I love to death, recently got a new gf. While I'm so happy for him, it's obviously made me feel even more alone. He's a great guy, and him and I (mainly him) have come a long way. We used to suck at talking to women, but he grew into a, dare I say the word, player over the years. I made some tiny progress, but in recent times I've lost a lot of confidence. I go out and keep striking out, time after time, and it really gets to me.

 

I do have some good things going in my life. I didn't have a single friend through much of my life, but over the last 5 years, my social life has blossomed exponentially, even to my own surprise. I consider myself a fairly popular guy and even the life of the party sometimes. I can make friends easily, something I never dreamed of at one point. I also have been told that I have a phenomenal sense of humor, and consider myself bright, witty, and intelligent.

 

I also have a great financial services business plan: running my own investment fund, which I know if I started I would get off on a good footing, because I also happen to be a great investor (I have a Wall St. background). But I have a major fear of regret of quitting school, and feel of failure/lack of confidence in myself, so I do nothing about it. I'm also way way way way too hard on myself when I make mistakes, and I let this work against me.

 

So there you have it. I feel like my life is going nowhere, and people all around me are coupling up, and making money. I don't even know what to ask about this besides if you can share some inspiration for me, or guide me to a light in the right direction.

 

I feel like I have the machinery to be successful in a career and in finding a woman, but that I don't know how to use it properly, or to move it forward.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Kitchen

[d0nnivain]

Medicine is not the field to go into if you don't have a passion for it. Talk to your advisers before you lock yourself into a ton of debt & a life of misery. Ask them to set you up with some counseling /therapy.

 

Once you get on a road to a career you like more it will be easier to date because you will be happier about yourself.

[OwMyEyeball]

So you're worried that you'll regret quitting something that you know you dislike, would cost you a tremendous amount of time, money and opportunity, and land you in a job that you'll ultimately despise. Not to mention one where mistakes cost people their health and possibly their lives.

 

All this despite having a passion for ANOTHER lucrative career path that you're already dabbling in.

 

Pop a Xanax then re-read your post.

 

Or go see a counselor. See a counselor.

 

And stop comparing yourself to other people and where they're at in life. Unless you love misery. In that case keep it up and make a special point to really focus on the ones who are the most outwardly successful in every way imaginable. Like driving a salt crystal into your eyeball. Such wonderful pain!

[Kitchen]

Well like I said, I don't hate it. I like it. I'm just not super passionate about it, hence the confusion.

[OwMyEyeball]

Of all the opportunities a person of your age, privilege, talent and background have in this world, you're going to settle for a career you "don't hate"?

 

Were you passionate about it at one point?

 

Do you feel passionate about anything right now?

[Kitchen]

Of all the opportunities a person of your age, privilege, talent and background have in this world, you're going to settle for a career you "don't hate"?

 

Were you passionate about it at one point?

 

Do you feel passionate about anything right now?

 

Well to be completely honest, my true passion lies somewhere in the world of entertainment (comedy or singing). But most of us can't make a living off of those.

 

After that, my I am enjoy managing investments, I've done it since I was in 8th grade. I'm good at it, it's lucrative, and I even know people who want to give me significant sums to manage to start off with.

 

Have I ever felt passionate about Medicine? To a certain degree, and at varying times I feel passionate about certain aspects of it. But I suspect it's less so than the average student or Doctor; and given that the average student or even Doctor often regrets their decision, you can see where I'm coming from.

 

I know I'm privileged to be where I am, for this opportunity. I also know that most Americans hate their jobs, and it's just a rat race for them. I'd much rather be in school and learning, than sitting at a cubicle meeting the next deadline. And that's why I hesitate. Hating the office environment is the main reason why I left Wall St. But I was also young and naive back then. I didn't research the Investment Management world as much I should have. I wasn't patient enough to wait it out and try to go for that. And I didn't dream that high. Now, many years later, and having gained more confidence w/my investing abilities, I know that I have the skills to do it.

 

But confidence w/owning and running my own business, that's what I lack. Fear of failure, etc.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Kitchen

[OwMyEyeball]

Switch over to B School. You're there more to network than to learn.

 

Find a business partner who can complement your skills.

 

Gain some more confidence.

 

There's no easy way out of the job-hating market unless you're willing to take a few risks. Jumping disciplines doesn't sound like such a bad idea for you.

 

Talk to a counselor at your school. They hear about issues like yours all the time and are typically well suited to guide your thought process. Ultimately the decision is yours, but better to get it out into the world and get some feedback bouncing around before making it.

 

Your story is extremely common in the white collar professions. Law school, med school, engineering and the likes. A LOT of people go in without feeling to certain that it's what they want to do. They have the raw talent, the grades and pedigree, but unless there's a burning desire to heal/help others then you have to stop and ask yourself whose dream it is you're actually trying to fulfill.

 

If you had held a very strong passion for medicine early on and found yourself starting to flounder I would suspected mild depression speaking out on your behalf. But this sounds more like a case of mistaken identity. Happens all the time to all sorts of people.

 

You'll sort it out.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Kitchen,

 

I have to agree with the others in that if you don't like medicine or taking care of people, then this may not be the field for you.

 

When I was in my M2 year all I focused on was classes. We had a fairly close-knit group of classmates (despite it being a major state university) so it was easy to make close friends. It sounds like you have made many friends too.

 

I think you need to stop focusing on meeting a woman at this point. It's funny to read that women don't want to date you because you might end up in a residency somewhere else - I've never seen or experienced that, either with me or friends I graduated with. If someone wants to be with you, that isn't going to stop them.

 

That said, forming romantic relationships as a med student is extremely difficult. Many of my friends ended up dating each other (both med students) - including myself and another med student - and I don't think even one instance of this worked out for anyone I know, including me. Just too much pressure, too much ego in some cases and similar personalities for it to work. Primarily too much pressure from the academics though.

 

If you are now just finishing up the second half of your M2 year (and having had repeated it) I think you would be throwing away a lot to just chuck it all now. If I were you, I would put nose to the grindstone, graduate, and then - if you don't want to be a practicing physician - don't do a residency. Or go into research and do a fellowship. You can always change your mind later and do a residency. But, there are lots of avenues for people with an MD other than clinical practice (right now I work as a medical writer - I work for myself and love it).

 

You are in a tough place and believe me, I can remember and totally understand how you feel. I've been there. Two years isn't a long time, and you will ALWAYS have that MD degree - and you will still be young! Oh, and lots of good combinations with an MD degree and business background! You will be able to write your own ticket career-wise.

 

Just my two cents from having been there

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh - and try not to worry too much about your friends in other fields who are out earning money now. In a few short years, trust me, that will totally reverse itself.

[RDJEE]

Hey ''Kitchen'' ,

 

You've gotten some great advice already and hopefully you're feeling better equipped to deal with your situation. Just in case that's not the case I'd like to offer my 2 cents.

 

Before I jump into dissecting what you've said I want to tell you that the reason people feel unfulfilled is either because we do not know what we want (feeling of being purposeless) or it's because we realize what we want but we're not taking action towards its accomplishment (feeling of inconsistency).

 

If you are unhappy that's good. Your body is telling you that your situation needs to be changed. Being unhappy isn't the problem if you use that pain as motivation. Just don't stay in that dark place.

 

Please realize that it's not the situation that is making you unhappy but rather your thoughts about that situation. The way you view the situation you're in.. and the way you use language when you're talking about it or to yourself determines how you feel.

 

Obviously your situation has to change. So we have to do a few things to accomplish that.

 

1. You need to realize that you are in complete control of your life. You can decide it's outcome and everything on your path is just a challenge or potential opportunity. (It doesn't matter if that's really true or not, even though I think so, because having that state of mind will make you view life much more positively and it'll ensure that you'll get the most from it.)

 

2. You need to realize that YOU are not your body and you are not your mind. Don't believe everything your mind tells you. The consciousness that is aware of those thoughts is who you really are. Because you can rise above your thoughts you're able to control them.

 

3. Change your focus. You have unlimited potential. Obviously you are a gifted and smart young man. But right now you're using your gifts to dig a hole. Try to use your potential and ''thinking'' power to get what you actually want. A good way to direct your focus is by using high quality questions.

If you ask yourself why is my life so messed up.. you'll get a messed up answer.

If you ask yourself how can I use all my gifts and talents to accomplish X (what you deeply desire) in the most effective way possible? Then you'll feel completely different.

 

In psychology there's a construct called automatic negative thoughts. It means that you are constantly having negative thoughts and aren't even aware of it. This is using the great power of your mind against you.

In positive psychology you want to use that power of your mind for you. You can do this by constantly focusing on those high quality questions and taking action on the answers you get.

 

4. Change your mindstate. How you feel from moment to moment is determined by your state. Your mindstate influences you in the short term. If you feel lousy the quality of your actions are going to be lousy as well. If you feel like you're the king of the world you will use much more of your potential. So once you ask yourself what it is that you really want and how you can achieve it. Change your mindstate so you get yourself some good results. Those results will stimulate to have an even better mindstate and they will slowly start to ''infect'' your software (your beliefs about life, relationships, money, yourself etc. and how it's all supposed to be). This is exactly what successful people do.

This works the other way as well which is how most people use this.

 

The are in a crappy state of mind and don't know what they want. Therefor their results are mediocre which leads to lousy results. This conforms their software that they're not really capable of more.

 

You can change your state of mind with your body language. If you assume the posture of a champ you'll feel like one. If you know how you carry yourself when you've accomplished something great and how you talk, walk, stand, breath etc. and you mimic that you can activate that emotion. A lot of Professional athletes use this strategy and all athlete's who have broken through a barrier and who were the first to do something that was impossible like Roger Bannister's four minute mile. You have to believe it before it's done. Belief comes first results come second. They strengthen that belief which will reinforce them. This process works just the same with positive beliefs and negative beliefs.

 

here's a great website that mentions how Roger Bannister used visualisation to do the impossible: What We Mortals Can Learn from the 4-Minute Mile | No Meat Athlete

 

If you'd like to know more about this, here's a video of social psychologist Amy Cuddy who explains the impact your body language has on others but more importantly on ourselves.

 

5. Change your software by changing your habits

 

How your life turns out isn't determined by what you do on a moment to moment basis but rather by what you do consistently day in and day out. So it's very important to analyse your rituals. What do you do often that you aren't conscious about and does it bring you closer towards accomplishing your goals.

 

I apologize for writing this much but your situation reminds me of where I was about 7 yrs ago and I wish someone would have explained this to me.

 

''First with the career. I'm a 2nd year Medical Student. I'm repeating the year because I failed out last year due to a broken relationship. I'm doing much better this year, but I just don't know if it is the career for me; I wasn't ever very sure. I chose this field because I wanted to work for myself eventually, and because I like the color of non-cubicle work environment. But I never had a deep passion to learn about the body, or even take care of people. These things are nice, but it was never something I REALLY had a drive towards. Given that I don't hate it, it would be fine continuing except the piling debts, and the next 5 years of slave work in hospital rotations and residency.''

 

Now about your career. It's okay not to be passionate about something at first. People talk about passion like it's something that jumps around a corner one day.. ''Hey! It's me your passion!''. This of course is nonsense.

 

How do you find your passion? Well it's simple actually. Here's what you do. Make a list of things that interest you. What do you like to do? What do you love to do? What do friends ask you about? What do you do when you have an extra 3 hours free that you didn't count on? What can you do all day?

 

Once you have written down a few things select what you think you'll like best and work on it with everything you've got for 6-12 months. The beginning is (with a few exceptions) not fun. That's why it's important to work hard until you have the basic skills down. You're body will give you feedback because if you give it your all but you still don't like it it's not for you.

 

That's why I feel that you shouldn't continue down this path. You obviously don't like med school but you like some of the benefits. I suggest you use your brainpower to find another way to get all the benefits you want with something you actually like.

 

You gave a few suggestions and you (very smart!) realized you've got bills to pay so it's smart to pick something you not only like but is in demand with the marketplace. It's key to realize you NEVER get paid for your time but for the value you deliver to the marketplace. So if you think what you have to offer could be valuable to the marketplace and you like it that's an excellent place to start! Now you don't have to quit school overnight but you could make a roadmap for yourself with a step 1. step2. etc. on how to accomplish what it is you want like starting a business in the financial industry. Then you could work on it after school a few hours a day and see how you like it after 6-12 months. Don't like it? Pick something else of the list you made that you're passionate about and might be valuable to the market place.

 

I can give you advice about your situation about girls given that I've worked for the largest #1 Female seduction and men's lifestyle improvement company in the world (puatraing: PUA Training - Become A Pick Up Artist And Pick Up Girls - Mastery With Women and Dating)

 

But I really belief that if you work on yourself, figure out what you want and go after that it will fall into place. Because clearly you're awesome. You are not only aware of what you don't like but you're actually trying to change it. I mean how many people do that?!

 

I think once you do that you'll feel so much more confident that you'll naturally be more at ease with women. If not I'll give you specific advice but for now I don't believe you need it.

 

You probably hate me now after making you read this entire book but I hope I've served you my friend. Have an awesome day!

 

PS. I've studied Psychology at Tilburg University in the Netherlands. I've coached a couple of thousand adolescents (in schools, in prisons and in projects with our government) on how to improve the quality of their life. I've also mentored CEO's of major companies and small business owners in the Netherlands. But I'm currently working on a new project in which I coach 25-35 yr old people to improve the quality of their lives and help them breakthrough what's holding them back.

We are currently seeing if there's a demand for it and if you'd like it I would coach you for free. No strings attached. No secret costs or trying to sell you stuff. All I ask in return is if you like my services that IF we do decide to develop a product that you give a 10 sentence long honest and sincere testimonial of your experiences with me. If you want to take me up on my offer of free coaching you can contact me at [email protected]