emotional abuse

[Raven99]

So a little background. Ive been with my husband since I was 18, 27 now. Married in 2009 have 2 kids. I always though of my husband as one of the guys who is just an ass to everyone and then nice to me and for some reason when I was younger that was cool. But looking back there had been so many red flags that I just let him get away with. From him telling me to stfu the night before our wedding, him not helping me and putting in ear plugs while I was recovering from my csection to cheating ob me 1 year after we were married and I was pregnant and giving the silent treatment when he was done with any conversation. Then having violent aoutburts and breaking thing putting holes thru walls kicking animals. I always accepted that he was abused as a child and he is trying to change, he provides finaciallt very well for us and isnt mean all the time wich makes it so confusing I kinda wish hed hit me so I didnt feel these up and down emotiona, I cant let my kids think this is ok any longer, my 7 year old daughter is scared of making him angry. Anyone whos been thru this have any advice about leaving?

[d0nnivain]

have you talked to him about counselling? you are hanging on to things from years ago. Other than him yelling at you the night before the wedding, everything you mentioned is serious so I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage like that but since you also said he was abused if he's repeating old patterns, perhaps he never had the chance to learn new ones.

[Raven99]

I brought up counsoling and he laughed it off, until he knew I was serious then talked about it never went. Ive Tryed to leave before and that week 3 cell phones were broken just that week. He did decide to see a doctor and they diagnosed him with manic bipolar, and he blames his actions on that now. So I know its time to go just not sure how

[travelbug1996]

You have a responsibility to your children to protect them from any type of abuse. Please seek help and get away= from this person. Its only going to get worse.

 

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve a chance to have a happy childhood free of someone's unmanaged anger and rage.

[travelbug1996]

Call the abuse hotline. They will help with an exit plan.

[Downtown]

I always though of my husband as one of the guys who is just an ass to everyone .... Then having violent outbursts and breaking thing putting holes thru walls kicking animals.... my 7 year old daughter is scared of making him angry.

Raven, the angry and vindictive behaviors you describe are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- not "manic bipolar" (called "bipolar-1). I note that it is common for doctors to mistake BPD for bipolar-1 disorder. Moreover, even assuming your H was diagnosed correctly, he still is at substantial risk of also having BPD. I say this because a recent American study found that 36% of male bipolar-1 sufferers also have co-occurring BPD.

 

I bring this to your attention because, even after you divorce this man, he likely will share joint custody of your two kids. It therefore is important you find out what they will be dealing with. If he has strong BPD traits, his treatment of them likely will get worse when they are old enough to start behaving more independent and resisting his directions.

 

I always accepted that he was abused as a child.

Bipolar disorder generally is NOT believed to be caused by child abuse but, rather, by an inherited body chemistry problem. In contrast, BPD is strongly associated with such abuse. A recent study found that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abused or abandoned by a parent in childhood.

 

Anyone whos been thru this have any advice about leaving?

I offer several suggestions. First, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional on what you and the kids are dealing with. Second, I suggest that, while you're looking for a psych, you read my description of the differences I've seen between BPD and bipolar behaviors. It is at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

 

If most of the BPD warning signs described there sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

As to the move itself, it is best that you give him no advance warning due to the apparent severity of his anger issues and moodiness. And, on the day of the move, it is important to have other adults there to be witnesses so as to discourage rages. Finally, I recommend you read the online article, Leaving A Partner with BPD and the book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[bathtub-row]

I'm usually all for therapists but I will warn you that many of them simply do not understand abusive relationships and talking to them can actually begin to make YOU feel nuts. I was once married to an abusive guy and, at one point, told him that we either go to counseling or I was leaving him. He danced around it quite a bit until he realized that I was serious. I didn't make him go. He just knew that I would leave if he didn't go.

 

Despite all that, we divorced anyway, I'm happy to say. Counseling is a joke to abusers. They simply do not change because they don't want to change. No matter how much they say they will change, want to change, what Oscar-winning performances they give about their faults -- they're lying. I'd recommend that you not waste your time believing that you can make any headway with him. Whether he's bi-polar, abused, or has brain damage, it doesn't matter. He is broken. And he is not fixable. Not only that, he's dangerous.

 

I agree with the above post that you have to consider what he'll be like when he has the kids on his weekends after you leave. You'll probably need to talk to your lawyer about this and if he has been diagnosed with bipolar, this could work against him. Maybe you can fix it so that he has supervised visits only. The biggest thing is that when you leave this 'drama king' and he's no longer living in the same house as you, you will be creating a haven for your kids that they currently don't have. They need a place that's away from him, and so do you.

 

As for the other thing you mentioned about the good times vs the bad, how you wished he would hit, etc. Here's something to think about -- he has you walking on eggshells all the time, right? He has you and your kids in fear of him at all times, even when he's being nice because you all know the good won't last, and that his mood can turn on a dime. So, no matter what he's doing at any given time, you and your kids are being abused all the time because the abuse is always there, waiting to show its face. The good times mean nothing. It's just a trick to keep you from reaching your breaking point because, even as stupid as abusers are, even they know that you can't abuse someone 100% of the time and keep them around. So, it's a subtle form of abuse. But you always know that the cobra can and will strike at any given moment.

Edited November 5, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Downtown]

I'm usually all for therapists but I will warn you that many of them simply do not understand abusive relationships and talking to them can actually begin to make YOU feel nuts.... Counseling is a joke to abusers.

Bathtub, I agree that -- if the abusive H has strong traits of BPD (or NPD or ASPD) -- it is extremely unlikely he will ever be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. And, even if he does stay in therapy, he likely will just play mind games with the therapist. When Raven urged him to go to therapy, he simply "laughed it off." This is why I said nothing about HIM going to therapy.

 

Rather, what I suggested is that Raven see a psychologist -- "for a visit or two by yourself" -- so she can obtain a candid professional opinion on what she and the kids are dealing with. This is important for several reasons. One is that BPD (and other PDs) are believed to be passed from one generation to the other through genetics and abusive treatment of the child. Moreover, strong BPD symptoms typically do not appear until the early teens. It therefore is important for Raven to find out if her kids are at risk and, if so, what symptoms she should be looking for when they reach puberty. (By "at risk" I don't mean they likely would develop BPD but, instead, that they are at greater risk.)

 

Another reason is that, when a wife mistakenly thinks she is dealing with bipolar-1, she will hang on in the marriage for years thinking that the problem eventually will be solved when the doctor finds the correct medication and figures out the correct dosage that tames her H's body chemistry swings. Yet, if the problem is actually BPD, medications will not make a dent in it because it is a thought distortion that is NOT believed to be caused by body chemistry changes.

 

A third reason is that, if the H has strong BPD traits, his treatment of the kids likely will become more abusive when they reach puberty and start becoming disobedient and thinking for themselves.

[Downtown]

double post