'Second Chances' or "Moving On'

[SteveDC]

First, let me start by saying that I'm new to LoveShack. I've been a member for all but three weeks, and have been an active reader/researcher(dare I say) for about 6 weeks. While I don't suggest that's enough time to speak on behalf of ALL the posts that have been submitted in the past year or so, I do think my general opinion from said reading allows me to comment on how I think Second Chances is a somewhat innacurate (or lately, so it seems) title for this sub.

 

My thought: I rarely come across posts where the OP is given actual advice on how to have/create a Second Chance with their ex. Most of the replies are "NC", "Move On", "He/She doesn't love you", etc. and if something positive were to happen to OP and their SO, it's followed with "red flags", "be careful", "it won't last", etc. Although this post is all about the NC method, it at least helps anons/members think about options on how to succeed in having a Second Chance. While the NC method may not be right for everyone, it's obviously been proved that in SOME cases, it could be a successful tool. To me (dare I say), that's actual advice on potentially getting a Second Chance with the person you once/still love.

 

I feel as though this sub would be appropriately named "How to Move On", as the constant tone/theme is advice on how to get over an ex vs. how to get back with them. I DO NOT suggest all advice should be happy endings, and blowing smoke up the OP's rear by being overly optimistic. However, the level of pessimism doesn't suggest any type of Second Chance to anyone.

 

Does anyone else (especially anyone who's started a thread in SC) have similar feelings regarding the type of advice given, which usually is some type of "it won't happen - find someone else" tone? I realize we have other subs of Breaking Up, Coping, etc. I just wonder how many Second Chances there really are when they almost all seem to about Moving On, or NC...for good.

 

I meant this post as an honest observation and not a complaint, as most of the advice I've been given on my own issue was priceless. The truth hurts when it doesn't go your way, but I've yet to read an actual user story who worked on crafting a second chance and was successful based on the advice given by others in the community. That DOES NOT mean that any of the advice given is/was wrong at all, in fact, I find most of it to be very constructive and helpful. Rather, Second Chances, seems to be rather misleading.

 

Thoughts?

Edited November 4, 2014 by SteveDC

[Atmosphere77]

I somewhat agree with you. I've been reading and reading on here for a month now. I think that in the majority of cases, NC to move on is the answer. Especially for people who need to get through the pain asap. In my own case though, NC with the possible false hope of her coming back helps me get through. As time passes I will naturally move on and the comforting hope will fade until it's gone. That's when she'll come back to f*** it all up lol.

[SteveDC]

Good insight, Atmosphere.

 

As time passes I will naturally move on and the comforting hope will fade until it's gone. That's when she'll come back to f*** it all up lol.

 

I'm literally in the same boat, haha. The thing is, we just had a simple conversation right now, where neither of us is getting what we want (right now, and possibly ever), but at least we've related to each other creating a possible coping mechanism. I understand that the goal of Second Chances is probably not a therapy session, but if hope exists, I have a very hard time finding it in of the user stories I've read.

 

With that said, I think my biggest attraction thus far to LoveShack is the brutal honesty that experienced/wise members give to their users. I think it's great. However, I wonder if the general pessimism on having a Second Chance that I've noticed here, is specific to LS, or that's just the statistical truth in life. I just have a hard time believing (at least at this point), that Second Chances are so rare...

[Atmosphere77]

I think a lot of the advice does come off as mean, but I don't think intentional. I read the stories. Especially those from first time dumpees and I imagine them curled into a ball, looking for any hope or support and I see responses like "Dude she's probably banging 6 guys by now". Not good for a person that broken to read. I look at the advice giver though, who has been through it and probably has responded to the same story so many times and it gets frustrating. And they assume beating around the bush just prolongs the pain which is true.

[tikay00]

I was told to give an ultimatum to my ex when I talk to her. Dumbest advice I've ever taken.

 

Looking back, I wish I didn't jump the gun, and would have researched more, but in the end, I know NC was the right choice for ME regardless. I say that because, some people can stay in contact with their ex, and play it smooth, and not be all desperate. I can't. I'd be a nervous wreck the whole time. Sooner or later I'd do or say something that would push her further away. Basically, I'm very impatient, and have to know now.

 

I think no matter what, keeping in contact with you ex is a no go in the right after the breakup stage. Being his or her friend is just idiotic, even if you're trying to regain their trust.

 

I heard about exes weening themselves off of you, and I was so thankful I didn't stay in touch with her, and "prove" to her how much I've changed.

 

But yeah, I do feel ya. A lot of people repeat the same things over and over.

 

"Hey, I called my GF a nasty word, and told her to go away, what should I do?"

 

NC!

 

"I was being really mean to my girl before the breakup, and never really spoke to her that much. I was neglectful. What should I do?"

 

NC!

 

"My GF specifically said the reason why we broke up was because I ignore her all the time, and never want to talk about us. What should I do?"

 

NC!

[tikay00]

Good insight, Atmosphere.

 

 

 

I'm literally in the same boat, haha. The thing is, we just had a simple conversation right now, where neither of us is getting what we want (right now, and possibly ever), but at least we've related to each other creating a possible coping mechanism. I understand that the goal of Second Chances is probably not a therapy session, but if hope exists, I have a very hard time finding it in of the user stories I've read.

 

With that said, I think my biggest attraction thus far to LoveShack is the brutal honesty that experienced/wise members give to their users. I think it's great. However, I wonder if the general pessimism on having a Second Chance that I've noticed here, is specific to LS, or that's just the statistical truth in life. I just have a hard time believing (at least at this point), that Second Chances are so rare...

 

Oh, second chances are the easy part. Those are basically "breaks". It's when they REALLY breakup with you, and are finally fed up to the point where they've truly made up their mind where it's very difficult to recoup.

[blackcat777]

OP, the situations are rare because they don't happen often. There is no one set thing you can do to "bring an ex back." You can't bring them back.

 

They either come back, or they don't.

 

You can only drive them further away.

 

NC = damage control... to the relationship, and to yourself.

 

Moving on is the best advice because you win either way, return of an ex or not.

[SteveDC]

OP, the situations are rare because they don't happen often. There is no one set thing you can do to "bring an ex back." You can't bring them back.

 

I agree, you can't bring them back. I think going back in time and trying to rekindle what you once had with someone is generally a bad idea - people change. However, while people change, they rarely change into an entire new person especially as we age. I suggest it's very possible to start a new, fresh, successful relationship with someone whom you once dated from your past. Super common? Of course not. Impossible? Definitely not, assuming that's what they both want, which of course, makes the timing of it immensely critical.

 

Moving on is the best advice because you win either way, return of an ex or not.

 

If you want your ex back, how do you win by moving on? Call me a hopeless romantic, but I don't view relationships (especially the one that truly sticks), as some commodity like my car, house, etc. You don't just move on because it's old and needs an upgrade. I think that's true for some (possibly most people), but as cheesy as this may sound, the whole "soulmate" concept rings at least somewhat true for me. My example isn't anything special, and definitely not any more deep than the next, however, I've dated quite a lot since me and the ex (the ex I would consider a type of soulmate). Why not the previous women, or the ex's before that? Why her? I obviously don't know, but it's something I can't logically explain (at least right now), but there's clearly something there for me, most especially how I've turned into the man she always wanted. However, key word is wanted. She probably closed that chapter in her life, but that doesn't change my feelings for her now and quite possibly years from now. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop living my life, and continue improving myself without her, but as silly as this sounds, it's not exactly something I asked for (feeling this way about her now). It sort of just happened (and not overnight).

 

Hopefully that makes some sense, and helps better illustrate my point.

Edited November 4, 2014 by SteveDC

[Jamesa1019]

My thing at the moment in NC is to give us both the space that we require to grow as individuals and really figure out if we should be together or not. I agree that almost everyone on here figures NC is deleting your ex for ever. I think that's wrong. You do not just delete someone you built a life with, had life experiences with and grew close to their families because it only makes it more awkward when you see someone in public that used to be a part of your life. I have a continuing friendship with my current ex's brother and that is never going to change. NC to me like I said is a chance to sit back and reflect on what has happened, what's to come and potentially work through your problems in the relationship no matter how trivial or difficult they were. You don't just buy a house with your partner, then 3 weeks later they leave you for an apparent no reason... wait that's exactly what happened to me! lol There's a more deep seeded reason in my condition, and honestly I want to believe it's because she has lived with her mother and daughter her entire life and got cold feet. Hence the NC was initiated by me to give her the space I feel she needs to reflect on what she really wants instead of ending it in a rash snap decision. Only time will tell what's meant to be, and I'll be fine either way. Life's a ride, saddle up!

[dclan]

 

 

If you want your ex back, how do you win by moving on? Call me a hopeless romantic, but I don't view relationships (especially the one that truly sticks), as some commodity like my car, house, etc. You don't just move on because it's old and needs an upgrade. I think that's true for some (possibly most people), but as cheesy as this may sound, the whole "soulmate" concept rings at least somewhat true for me. My example isn't anything special, and definitely not any more deep than the next, however, I've dated quite a lot since me and the ex (the ex I would consider a type of soulmate). Why not the previous women, or the ex's before that? Why her? I obviously don't know, but it's something I can't logically explain (at least right now), but there's clearly something there for me, most especially how I've turned into the man she always wanted. However, key word is wanted. She probably closed that chapter in her life, but that doesn't change my feelings for her now and quite possibly years from now. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop living my life, and continue improving myself without her, but as silly as this sounds, it's not exactly something I asked for (feeling this way about her now). It sort of just happened (and not overnight).

 

Hopefully that makes some sense, and helps better illustrate my point.

 

You answer your own question yourself. Moving on is the key. It's true everyone is telling you to move on, but no one ever said, you can't have some hope that maybe you guys might end up together in the future.

 

Let me explain:

 

As you so adequetly put, you can indeed become the man she wants you to be, and maybe in a few years you guys could be together again. It is true.

 

Q1)- But.....how do you become that man?

 

A:-Well the first step is simple, you need to man up!

 

Q2)- But wait, how can you man up if your crying like a little girl in the corner of your room missing your ex?

 

A:-Well you need to stop thinking about your ex for a while, and focus on fixing whatever is wrong with you (looks, job, personality, goals, family life, etc.).

 

Q3)- So I need to stop thinking about my ex? But I don't want that! I want to keep dreaming about her! how can I stop thinking about her if I actually do want her back?

 

A:-You move on. You can move on from the relationship. That doesn't imply you'll move on from her. You can always love someone. But you need to understand that, the relationship you had with that someone is gone!

 

Q4)- I don't want to forget I love her, she is the love of my life!! How can you ask me to just move on from her?

 

A:-If she is the love of your life, then she'll always be there in your heart. If she is your destiny, your paths will cross again. However, the fact is that your relationship to her died the moment she broke up with you. If indeed in the future you end up together, it will be in a whole new relationship, different from the one you had before.

 

Q5)-But if I move on, won't I forget about her?

 

A:-We never truly forget someone we spent time with. You may stop missing her, which is a complete different thing to forgetting about her. Moving on means, you have to move on from the current situation. To stop thinking about her, not to forget about her. You can say that you'd be sort of displacing her from priority number 1, to priority number ...lets say number 12.

 

Q6)-But wait if I stop talking to her and go NC, how can I win her back?

 

A:-Right now half your army is dead, and your general has lost hope. You need to fall back, reasemble, gather supplies, train new recruits, plan new strategies...and take a rest from this thing. When your own head is doing better, and is not crying all day long, maybe that day, if you truly feel like, you can try going for the conquest again. But right now, with morale low, you'll be facing certain defeat.

 

Q7)-So is this the best way of getting her back?

 

A:-There isn't a best way to get her back. This is just a way, for you to get better. Its your choice to either chase after her or forget, yet its best if you go chasing after her with a clear head and a good strategy. Going in right now, is just a senseless mission. Besides, with enough time, your enemies defenses will weaken, her perimeter will be less alert to your intrusions. So yes, time also helps making the other army less resistant to your raids.

 

Hope it helps

[Frogwife]

There is a good thread on Enotalone called Getting Back Together Really Does Happen and it's really good stories. I don't think it's "false hope" to think you might get back together we NEVER know what is going to happen in life. I think the problem with sites like these (loveshack, etc) is that you do tend to only hear people's horror stories and not the good ones that happen because that's not what people typically post online.

 

I think you just have to live your life as though you won't get back together ("move on" as best you can), choose the type of contact that is good for you, for example, NC to heal yourself, not to "trick" your ex into returning out of loneliness, insecurity, etc. (there is another site, Toronto Date Doctor, which has some interesting anti-NC points-of-view), avoid doing insane things that could further push them away and know that time does heal things.

 

To James above... I am sorry to hear about your story... my friend is a mortgage broker and says that she has seen so many couples break up at or right before the closing on a house. (She is interesting, too, in the "get back together" - she was divorced from her last husband (widowed before) and they are back together after five years.)

[Jamesa1019]

To James above... I am sorry to hear about your story... my friend is a mortgage broker and says that she has seen so many couples break up at or right before the closing on a house.

 

I hear you. She had ample time to back out before finalizing the contract/mortgage. This is why I think she just got cold feet and reality set in that she would not have help from her mother 24/7 in raising her daughter. What she didn't realize is that her girl was a huge part of my life and I would have done everything to help and be there for the both of them. I'm confident she will reconcile with me, and that she will realize she made a mistake. I think she is just scared to contact me, or anyone for that matter and try to come back because she feels she made a huge mistake by hurting me so bad. If I'm wrong, I'll move on. I just hope that the time and space I am giving her helps. BTW it runs deep. She was currently hired at my place of employment! lol talk about the most awkward situation you can imagine. I'm devastated, and I know she is tough on the outside but is dying on the inside. Or I'm totally off base and she's seeing someone else, which I guarantee she's not.

[hedyo]

I think it is also important to note that most people start threads in this subforum because a) they want their ex back, but they're nowhere close or b) their ex is giving them mixed signals, and they're unsure what to do.

 

In case a), NC usually is pretty good advice. In case b), I think it is wise to advise caution. I recently got back with my ex, and I didn't feel the need to seek advice about it here, because he wasn't giving me a load of BS mixed signals. If someone genuinely wants you back, you shouldn't need help from strangers on the internet to decode their actions.

[tikay00]

I think it is also important to note that most people start threads in this subforum because a) they want their ex back, but they're nowhere close or b) their ex is giving them mixed signals, and they're unsure what to do.

 

In case a), NC usually is pretty good advice. In case b), I think it is wise to advise caution. I recently got back with my ex, and I didn't feel the need to seek advice about it here, because he wasn't giving me a load of BS mixed signals. If someone genuinely wants you back, you shouldn't need help from strangers on the internet to decode their actions.

 

What were the actions he took that let you know there was some hope?

[SteveDC]

While not all of this is true, it's definitely both a solid reply, and quite comical, dclan, so for that, I think you : )

 

As you so adequetly put, you can indeed become the man she wants you to be, and maybe in a few years you guys could be together again. It is true.

 

I don't think I'm striving to become that man, I think a lot of the qualities and changes I've made in the past month are already there in me, and I mostly am that man.

 

But wait, how can you man up if your crying like a little girl in the corner of your room missing your ex?

Although a couple weeks ago it stung a bit, i wouldnt' suggest I'm crying like a little girl lol. It's more of reflecting on how things have gone thus far since I've walked back into her life. Hell, I'm not even sure what I truly want from her, but I do know, I definitely miss her, and it's a relatively new feeling (a couple months).

 

Well you need to stop thinking about your ex for a while, and focus on fixing whatever is wrong with you (looks, job, personality, goals, family life, etc.).

This is exactly what I've been trying to (with some success), and it definitely helps me not think about things I did wrong years ago, and my overly aggressive approach when I first walked back into her life a month ago.

 

You move on. You can move on from the relationship. That doesn't imply you'll move on from her. You can always love someone. But you need to understand that, the relationship you had with that someone is gone!

So perfectly put, and couldn't agree more. My biggest thing is, I knew her a year before we started dating, and she DID NOT have interest in me. In fact, had I just left the first day I met her, we would've never gotten together. It was my constant persistence visiting her at work every week for a year (restaurant/bar I frequented), until I finally convinced her. It took convincing, mainly because she didn't know me outside of work - we never even went on a date. Once we did, within the month she was all over me. Then, we dated for two year.

 

There isn't a best way to get her back. This is just a way, for you to get better. Its your choice to either chase after her or forget, yet its best if you go chasing after her with a clear head and a good strategy. Going in right now, is just a senseless mission. Besides, with enough time, your enemies defenses will weaken, her perimeter will be less alert to your intrusions. So yes, time also helps making the other army less resistant to your raids.

Of course I'm hoping for her enemies to weaken, but I can't spend all day worrying about if that'll ever happen. I'm still stuck on the issue of "NC, sure, I can do that for months. But by not being in her life at all, I wonder if I'm wasting time. See my comment above about my persistence, which led to us being together. She's not the type to randomly reach out, regardless of how deep she feels. She needs to be courted, and has a very eastern european (Ukrainian), traditional mentality regarding men and women. The man courts her, is very chivalrous, and even if she doesn't have interest at first, you can gain that interest by being IN her life, vs. NC and hoping she just starts missing me for reasons I obviously haven't given her.

 

Hope it helps

It did, DC, and appreciate the comical, yet thoughtful, and most accurate response : )

[hedyo]

What were the actions he took that let you know there was some hope?

 

Well, for 2.5 months there was no contact initiated from either side, so there were no signs of hope! Then we bumped into each other by chance, and the next day he got in touch to say it had made him realize what he felt for me. Since then, he's been initiating contact every day and we've been going on regular dates. This was only a few weeks ago so it's too soon to say whether "the honeymoon" will last, but we're in a good place right now. So, yeah, NC was the best thing in our case.

[tikay00]

Well, for 2.5 months there was no contact initiated from either side, so there were no signs of hope! Then we bumped into each other by chance, and the next day he got in touch to say it had made him realize what he felt for me. Since then, he's been initiating contact every day and we've been going on regular dates. This was only a few weeks ago so it's too soon to say whether "the honeymoon" will last, but we're in a good place right now. So, yeah, NC was the best thing in our case.

 

Dang, what about a LDR? Guess that's why LDR's are such a risk.

[MrWhite]

“My thought: I rarely come across posts where the OP is given actual advice on how to have/create a Second Chance with their ex.”

 

When people do get back together successfully, they rarely post their story and what worked to get that second chance. They run off happily ever after and no longer need to be on or using LS.

 

I think the most valuable advice is from people who did get a second chance that lead to a LTR, not just the actions trying to get a second chance.

You need both the actions and the outcomes to make any conclusions.

The repetitive advice is because they are the most common outcomes.

People who have experienced a second change are offering wisdom on what actions they did, what they would have not done, or what they would have done differently.

 

There is no “task list” or “rules” to follow. All relationships and people are unique.

I suggest finding posts that are as close to your own situation as possible.

Examples: Age, LDR, cheating or not cheating involved, etc...

 

I have been on LS for a bit looking for some unique answers. (Yet to be found)

I am going on 20+ years of marriage after my second chance.

Second chances do exist, they just do not end up on LS.

Edited November 7, 2014 by MrWhite

[dclan]

While not all of this is true, it's definitely both a solid reply, and quite comical, dclan, so for that, I think you : )

 

It did, DC, and appreciate the comical, yet thoughtful, and most accurate response : )

 

Glad you like it. Sorry if some of the parts are a bit childish, I was just trying to make you feel good in some way.

 

..honestly in the end we all have to understand that breakups, even if they suck, are part of the life experience--

 

And I'm actually a big supporter of having hope. The only problem is that, most guys want their ex to come back in the short term, as in 3 to 6 months period. The truth is that, even if you get back with your ex, it may take like 1 or 2 years. Things need to change.

 

“My thought: I rarely come across posts where the OP is given actual advice on how to have/create a Second Chance with their ex.”

 

When people do get back together successfully, they rarely post their story and what worked to get that second chance. They run off happily ever after and no longer need to be on or using LS.

 

Second chances do exist, they just do not end up on LS.

 

This is also true. Most people, the minute they get back with their ex, don't really need more support from internet forums.

 

This is why the amount of stories from people getting back together, are usually rare. At most what we get are some stories of people that got back into contact with their ex.

Edited November 7, 2014 by dclan

[Tabitha87]

I concur with the 1st post.

 

Maybe I'm just bitter because people on here have kept telling me that I'm basically wrong for even considering talking to my ex as he just recently went to prison for selling marijuana & will be there for the next 3-5 years.

 

I get that he broke the law & has been caught not once, but now twice, however I don't think selling weed makes him a horrible person. Sure, he's clearly made bad choices but who hasn't? I know that I sure have!

 

He iniated contact with me back in March and I didn't see it until September. I responded when I seen the message finally but he'd ignored me yet again (as he has for the past 8 years) but now that I'm single again (as he thought I was in March as well), he wants to talk to me again.

 

I've never moved on from him & his friends and sister told me recently that he hasn't either, but even though I've said that, all people on here can see is his poor choices. I was asked indirectly by him to write him a letter because he really wants to speak with me, as I do him, but basically everyone on here seems to think it's stupid.

 

I can't see how writing letters back and forth is stupid. At least we can figure out where we stand with eachother without having the pressures of seeing eachother, having sex etc. This way, if in 3 years from now we're still talking and attracted to eachother, it will be for the right reasons since I'm sure it's difficult to keep talking to someone for 3+ years without some sort of interest and/or mental attraction. But, thats just MHO.