What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[xxoo]

Yeah I would love to date a woman few women to know what chemistry is like. But without knowing about chemistry, how am I going to attract women to date me?

 

 

 

Woman want have a high desire to sleep with a guy before they go on a date?

 

This is where I'm getting confused.

 

Once my ex and I had our first kiss, the sexual chemistry was very strong from then on and just kept building.

 

But I don't understand having that level of chemistry with a girl I haven't kissed yet.

 

What is the starting point?

 

I didn't say that level of chemistry is necessary for a first date. But it is possible. If starts seemingly out of nowhere, and if the guy stands close, heart rate goes up a little. If his hand brushes hers while handing her something, sparks fly. Deliciousness.

 

Do you recognize this level if attraction? Have you experienced it? Women want to experience it, too.

[sillyanswer]

For some reason I feel that I have a lot of chemistry with my math tutor. Interacting with her is so fun. We are always laughing together, and I made her blush when she was talking about makeup with another girl, she said something like "... I never wear makeup" Then I asked looking straight at her, "Yeah I don't get why girls wear makeup when they are already cute."

 

That's some pretty good flirting there, Somedude! (but, aside from the fact that she has a bf, tutor-student relationships are generally inappropriate)

[JuneJulySeptember]

In the "You're right" thread Quiet Storm made an awesome post about chemistry.

 

Her post completely resonated with me and almost seemed like it was written for me.

 

 

 

That is exactly how I feel about women, but now I'm aware that it's absolutely not how women feel about men.

 

The reason that I have done so poorly with girls throughout my life has been because I didn't understand chemistry, and I still don't.

 

When it comes to interacting with women I really don't have a clue what the hell I'm doing. Because of that I just treat women as if they were gender neutral, and my gender doesn't matter as well and guess what, they only want to be friends with me.

 

Can a guy learn how to create chemistry? If so, how?

 

That is just one woman's opinion of what attracts.

 

Not all women are the same.

 

And even if they were, I wouldn't suggest changing yourself to fit this model 'charismatic' man who can charm all of the women.

 

BELIEVE YOU, ME, I know guys who have tried and failed miserably. It really doesn't work like that. There is no magic formula that when you figure it out, all of the women will be all over you.

 

Just be yourself and find somebody who likes you man.

 

I suggest you try and get as far away from the 'men and women are different' mentality as possible. I do think women are pickier, but that is only because of the way the game is structured. I think as a base, they want the same things guys want. A lot of guys want intangible chemistry too. And a lot women just want a cool partner to bum around with.

Edited November 5, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[CaliGypsy]

I met this man online recently and we subsequently met up for a casual meet up. I liked him a lot, he's very smart, and has a great sense of humor. Good looking man. He's nice.

 

So, end of the "date" he goes in for a goodbye hug. Oh.man , that hug lasted a very inappropriate couple minutes or so. Surprised the crap out of me It just IS.

 

Not knowing you in person it's hard to tell exactly how you're coming across with women, but I would have you self examine any off putting behaviors. For me? Pushiness does it. Over complimenting me. Try to get to know a few women without thinking you have to pursue her. Try to be a little more relaxed.

 

Really though, if what you're doing isn't working you have to look at yourself first and examine any behaviors or demeanor that might be off-putting. It's like one of my coworkers. I like him a lot he's very funny and quirky. However he has this mile wide chip on his shoulder that he probably doesn't know is there, or that it turns people off. Or me, when I first started my job, some of the policies were conflicting and it frustrated me. (It showed ) when it was brought to my attention, at first I was upset. I had to think about what she said. I did so,made adjustments, and if you asked anyone about me now ? They would be surprised to hear something so negative about me . I let go of those things that frustrated me and worked on projecting the positive .

[2.50 a gallon]

Yes, there are many things a man can do to boost and great natural chemistry between him and a newly met female. At its' most basic level love is a chemical reaction. Google Love Chemicals and learn all you can.

Me 5' 6", weight 125 - 135 pounds, and not rich, had I counted it would have been in the hundreds

[xxoo]

Somedude, do you watch any tv shows?

 

There are a lot of examples of chemistry and what it looks like from a woman's side on tv. For example, my favorite: Pam and Jim from The Office.

 

Here's a few dozen more: 32 Best 'Will They/Won't They?' TV Couples

[GG2W]

To all the naysayers:

 

 

Why don't you ask the man how to do it?

 

 

Oh, I get it then you would no longer have an excuse!

[Lani]

To all the naysayers:

 

 

Why don't you ask the man how to do it?

 

 

Oh, I get it then you would no longer have an excuse!

 

An excuse for what?

 

Although I'm not a naysayer, how about you tell us your view, man?

[Anela]

Somedude, do you watch any tv shows?

 

There are a lot of examples of chemistry and what it looks like from a woman's side on tv. For example, my favorite: Pam and Jim from The Office.

 

Here's a few dozen more: 32 Best 'Will They/Won't They?' TV Couples

 

One of my favourites, is Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman, in While You Were Sleeping.

 

I'm trying to think of a more recent example, but that's the first one that comes to mind.

[Kav]

It's a yin and yang thing. Women unconsciously sense whether you are projecting interest-yang - or are yin-no romantic interest. Yang is not attractive as it is a propulsive force. Yin is attractive as it's a void and creates desire. A man who has yin will be attractive to a woman. Then she can become yang and make the first move.

Treat women like Bond treats Moneypenny-flirtatious banter without desire.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't know. I think we'd all like to believe all chemistry is 100% authentic, but I think some of it is inspired, or even faked. Some chemistry that we can feel through the screen is real, but sometimes it's just really good acting. There are women that felt chemistry and later find out they are one of many women in his life who felt the same. Sociopaths, BPD, NPD are often very good at making people feel bonded and like they are "the one". Our hormones and some medications can create or alter chemistry. Sometimes chemistry with a person who is "toxic" is related to something in our pasts, and it creates a weird subconscious pull that feels so much like chemistry but is really just two emotionally wounded people in a dysfunctional relationship. Chemistry isn't always a good thing.

 

So my thought is - if people can create chemistry through manipulation for selfish or nefarious purposes, why can't it be inspired? Or nurtured to grow for good and positive reasons, like a desire to connect with someone on a deeper level? And to find a partner in life, where both people are invested and passionate. I don't think consciously trying to connect to someone negates any chemistry, or makes it any less valid than chemistry that happens effortlessly. I don't know what the formula is, though. Sorry, Somedude.

[Kav]

It's all chemistry-the dysfunctional are attracted to what they need-another dysfunctional person. Lacy Peterson had an absentee father and was attracted to the sociopathic Scott Peterson. Emotionally healthy people do not need a relationship-it is an 'extra' if they meet another healthy person. Most people have some emotional damage which they constantly try to work through using relationships.

[Camaro Guy]

I'm a pretty bad chemist because I can not attract women. I don't even know where to start. If that's whats required for a girl to be into you, it's over for me before I've even left the finish line.

 

I really think that chemistry is just good looks.

[Kav]

No I've seen good looking men scramble for years trying to get a date.

It's confidence and emotional self sufficiency.

[somedude81]

Just curious, is it acceptable to practice flirting for fun with girls that have established they only want to be platonic only friends with me?

[Lani]

Just curious, is it acceptable to practice flirting for fun with girls that have established they only want to be platonic only friends with me?

 

No.

It will make them feel uncomfortable and they'll feel the need to ask you to back off.

[SolG]

Chemistry= physical attraction and compatibility

 

I agree with this. I'd say it takes me about five seconds flat (if that) upon seeing a man to know if there is potential for chemistry there. With no interraction whatsoever. It's that instananeous assessment of how he looks, wears his choice of clothes, stands, gestures... and if I'm close enough how he smells (olfactory is a big one for me). He doesn't need to necessarily be conventially good looking--although it doesn't hurt--because it is a combo of all these factors together. And I dare say these factors vary from woman to woman.

 

Then the real litmus test is in the interraction. He may have seemed like a good prospect... then opened his mouth to reveal himself an assclown. Chemistry dead and buried. However, if my initial assessment is reinforced with interesting, intelligent conversation (better yet, informed debate), a sense of humour (BIG points for good humour), and reciprocating signals of interest... this creates chemistry. For me anyway.

 

However, chemistry just gets you a position on the grid. While for me its presence is absolutely mandatory, it's not a race winner in and of itself. You need to be able to capitalise on the chemistry in order to progress to a relationship, and then make that relationship grow.

[Got it]

I know for my first husband, we were young and set up/blind date. While I found him pleasing to the eye I wasn't instantly attracted to him. It was spending time with him, getting to know him, that really started the attraction.

 

I have had others that there is just something in their eye that when we make eye contact . . . Yowza! I am attracted. It is that twinkle and a sharp wit that gets me every time. A person that is negative kills it. Negativity is a soul sucker and I avoid like the plague. Having grown up with very negative parents, especially my mom, I am hypersensitive to it.

[GoodOnPaper]

However, if my initial assessment is reinforced with interesting, intelligent conversation (better yet, informed debate), a sense of humour (BIG points for good humour), and reciprocating signals of interest... this creates chemistry. For me anyway.

 

What I bolded aludes to a very difficult "nice guy" trait to overcome -- I doubt that I will ever be able to do it. For those of us who are really bad at generating chemistry, it may be natural to think that if we avoid conflict, we will make a better impression but the pop psych literature and posts on LS would indicate otherwise. Very counterintuitive and scary as hell, at least from my perspective.

[autumnnight]

somedude, you are trying too hard. I have read a lot of your posts and I think what you want is some secret strategy that will guarantee that you get the result you want. That isn't real life.

[cerridwen]

No.

It will make them feel uncomfortable and they'll feel the need to ask you to back off.

 

Exactly.

I distance myself from guy friends who do this.

 

Save it for women you may have a chance with.

[somedude81]

Exactly.

I distance myself from guy friends who do this.

 

Save it for women you may have a chance with.

 

I'm surprised at this answer.

 

Since they've already established they aren't interested in dating, flirting would just be fun and harmless.

 

So why should I save the pointless flirting for girls I have a chance with? Doesn't that defeat the entire point of flirting without a goal in mind?

[sillyanswer]

I'm surprised at this answer.

 

Since they've already established they aren't interested in dating, flirting would just be fun and harmless.

 

So why should I save the pointless flirting for girls I have a chance with? Doesn't that defeat the entire point of flirting without a goal in mind?

 

There's also a third group of people you might, under some circumstances, consider flirting with: strangers.

[somedude81]

There's also a third group of people you might, under some circumstances, consider flirting with: strangers.

 

I'm really not at all comfortable at all with flirting, which is why I wanted to practice with girls I know.

[cerridwen]

I'm surprised at this answer.

 

Since they've already established they aren't interested in dating, flirting would just be fun and harmless.

 

So why should I save the pointless flirting for girls I have a chance with? Doesn't that defeat the entire point of flirting without a goal in mind?

 

I dont know about the concept of flirting without a goal in mind.

If I talked about that in the past, Ive forgotten.

 

I think flirting online is largely pointless and just dumb fun--on LS for example.

But IRL? I guess there are people who flirt just to flirt, but I dont keep them as guy friends.

It's just annoying.

And for your immediate situation, it'd be better to establish solid friendships with these two. Flirting with them jeopardizes that.

At best, they will likely feel you "just arent getting it" and holding out hope for a hook-up.