What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[somedude81]

Because not being direct and upfront and asking her out and attempting to be friends while you have an agenda to date is manipulative.

 

Really? I'm not trying to control her behavior at all. I'm just hoping she'll start to like me if we spent more time together.

 

Look at what you have already said happens.

1. you like girl

2. you decide to become friends in order to get her to like you

3. she is fine with being friends

4. you ask girl to do things with you which she declines and or says she isn't dating as she gets a feeling you have more interest than friendship

5. once you are friends you then (and you admit this yourself) will send texts to have a go at girl and blow the situation up when girl did not realise she had done anything wrong as she had previously been very clear she didn't want to date you

People make friends all the time and so these girls have no idea that you are trying to manipulate them into dating you. They just think you are a new friend.

If they knew that you were trying to manipulate then they would steer clear. That mind set along with trying the guilt trip on them by texting and blowing things up are controlling behaviours.

 

I was not trying to guilt trip her. I was feeling depressed and jealous.

 

If anything, I wanted to "manipulate" her into not wanting to talk to me again. My goal was to ruin things between us so I would know that I don't have a chance with her. And then she goes and invites me to go out dancing

 

You say that you are making all your intentions clear yet to those who have and make friends don't see your actions as anything other than friendship as a man who wants to date will actively flirt, ask us on actual dates.

 

Flirting doesn't come naturally to me and I expect to get rejected. That's all because I don't understand chemistry. I also can't tell when a woman likes me unless she's being very obvious.

 

But if she doesn't want to date you and has told you this or even implied it at the same level as you are implying you want to date (ie. not being open, honest and upfront about it) then she won't think any of your actions are about trying to date her in future as she thinks you respect her boundaries.

 

I would always respect her boundaries. That's not even a question. I am going to try to get closer to her in ways that are acceptable to her. I'm also not going to hide that I like her.

 

 

Same as Rester said above, this could be a recipe for disaster.

If lunch girl does actually like you then she will see you 'bouncing around' from girl to girl.

 

So I am expected to stay with one girl for two+ hours?

 

Like the actual class, I'm planning on rotating. I'll be with a new girl for every dance. That's the norm for this event. When I'm taking a break from dancing I'll probably sit next to Lunch girl. And then I'll go out to dancing again with whomever wants to dance.

[somedude81]

Going out would probably help you to sleep. I know that it usually helps me.

 

I wish it did

 

I went out Sunday night. Got home at 12. Fell asleep at 1. Then I slept poorly and was exhausted all of Monday. That's just how I am.

[clia]

When I'm into a girl, my body language and demeanor doesn't change that much with her vs. just being with friends. Most likely that ties back into the chemistry issue where girls just aren't feeling it with me.

 

Is this because you aren’t truly “friends” with them, but instead are hoping they will want to date you at some point? Your body language and demeanor should be far different with a friend than with a girl who you want to date. If I go out for a drink with (a) a male co-worker who is married; (b) my friend’s husband; © a guy I went to college with; and (d) a guy who asked me out on a date, the way each of them interacts with me will be different. I’m wondering if this is partially why it was suggested that you were too pushy. Too much flirtation, innuendo, or touching is inappropriate with a friend and can make a girl feel uncomfortable.

 

Asking if she wants to get something to eat after the dance is actually a really good idea. Thanks for suggesting it Lani Something like that would absolutely not occur to me.

 

I’m very curious why something like this would not occur to you.

 

Why is that, after all of the advice you’ve received on here, it wouldn’t occur to you to ask her to get something to eat? I think situations like this are where your lack of social interaction and friends becomes really clear. Why would it not occur to you to try to extend the night if you all were having fun, to suggest getting a drink, a coffee, dessert, a snack somewhere? These are very normal things that many people do when they are hanging out with friends. You go do something as a group…and then you grab a drink or a coffee or food.

 

Do you watch romantic comedies? It might be helpful for you to put away the porn for awhile and to watch some, to see how the male leads interact with the women, how they ask them out, how they extend the dates, where they take them on dates, etc.

 

There's a Denny's fairly close to the school. Does that count?

 

I hope you were pulling our leg when you suggested this, especially because where you live there are tons and tons of bars, lounges, cafes, and great places to take a girl. You don’t take a girl to Denny’s unless you are either 16 years old or it’s 3 a.m. and you need something greasy to soak up the liquor.

[Imajerk17]

I actually would have suggested as a date something different from going dancing again, unless you want to be slotted in as Lunch Girl's dancing buddy. You and she already went dancing. Didn't you both get a chance to talk about yourselves and your other hobbies?

 

And it is disappointing that you didn't call Lunch Girl last night. You are acting like a friend somedude81. At least, call her tonight.

 

This is your problem with flirting summed up in one sentence: You're too safe when you need to be more direct (as with Lunch Girl), and you are too pushy when you need to be safe (as with Busy Girl).

[Flawlless]

Please , try to make some male friends that have had some experience in this field that can go out with you and see what you are doing that turns women off . I suspect most of us already know exactly how it is you act but the point in all of this is that you don't. You are either ignorant to it or truly don't care . Either way , you have zero chance of sustaining anything of substance with any women who has even 1% of confidence in herself .

I don't even know you but from everything you have said in your posts your maturity level is extremely lacking .

 

I can't help but think of that movie Dumb and Dumber ...." So what are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me ..ending up together ?

 

"I'd say not good"

" You mean , not good like one out of a hundred "?

" I'd say more like one out of a million"

" So you are saying theres a chance ....YEAH !"

 

You said you like direct from women .....so there ya have it

[GemmaUK]

Really? I'm not trying to control her behavior at all. I'm just hoping she'll start to like me if we spent more time together.

OK this is lunch girl we're talking about - maybe she does like you but honestly if she was awkward when hugging goodbye I'm wondering whether you went for that hug and she felt it a bit much.

Some people are touchy feely with certain friends and some aren't.

 

 

I was not trying to guilt trip her. I was feeling depressed and jealous.

You felt depressed and jealous but you are an adult and you should be able to control your own feelings so that they do not get projected onto anyone else.

You also say that this texting thing is something isn't going your way (sorry I cannot remember your exact wording) is normal for you.

Do something for yourself and for the woman on the receiving end next time and as soon as you feel annoyed or depressed and jealous change her name in your phone to 'Don't Text'.

It will hopefully stop you.

I've used this before when I was annoyed or angry/whatever and it works for me.

 

 

If anything, I wanted to "manipulate" her into not wanting to talk to me again. My goal was to ruin things between us so I would know that I don't have a chance with her. And then she goes and invites me to go out dancing

This is where you should have declined her invite.

You know you actually can't take it without your emotions going all over the top.

She invited you because she was holding out an olive branch and extending friendship as she (for the second time) thought that you respected her boundaries of being just friends and she knows dancing is an interest of yours.

 

 

Actually. Really actually if she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you she would not have asked - however - it was an olive branch and she is being kind to you - maybe she is aware that you are lonely (yep, people sense this} so therefore invited you.

 

Flirting doesn't come naturally to me and I expect to get rejected. That's all because I don't understand chemistry. I also can't tell when a woman likes me unless she's being very obvious.

You need to learn body language but relationship and flirtation body language as well as body language for friends only.

Do you know what banter is?

This is a few small funny words you share with the cashier or cashieress at the grocery store or the library or the bank. Male or female it's saying something appropriate the the surroundings and what is going on right now, right there, right then that raises a giggle or smile or an expressions of 'hey yeah, I feel the same! Lol!'

 

 

That is banter.

It is one level down from flirting.

 

 

Flirting is a level up and becomes teasing.

It's like a boy in a playground running and pulling on our pigtail...we see him later and we give a swift kick to the shin..except it's joking and nice teasing..to bring some fight out. Not much but so they cane 'get you back' and equally demean you, again it is not harsh or nasty at all and it's all done with a grin and possibly a wink.

There are tonnes of youtube videos on how to flirt..go look at them.

 

 

 

I would always respect her boundaries. That's not even a question. I am going to try to get closer to her in ways that are acceptable to her. I'm also not going to hide that I like her.

But your plan is still to hope that busy girl likes you and she has told you twice now that she is not interested.

You are not listening to her.

Her invite dancing was an olive branch, nothing more.

She is a friend only and will only ever be as she has been incredibly clear and stated that she is not wanting to date you. This will not change.

 

 

So I am expected to stay with one girl for two+ hours?

Is that really tough for you or something?

Aside from getting drinks and visiting the toilet hell yeah! If you want her to know that you like her then don't go being a gigolo with any other women.

Any possible attraction will fall right off on her part if she sees you working the room and all the women in it.

 

 

Like the actual class, I'm planning on rotating. I'll be with a new girl for every dance. That's the norm for this event. When I'm taking a break from dancing I'll probably sit next to Lunch girl. And then I'll go out to dancing again with whomever wants to dance.

 

 

It's not a dance class though is it?!!

 

 

I'm FoolOfTheYear here also as it's priceless - not to say anyone else's posts are not.

'Attraction is instant...Its there or it isnt..About the only way it can "build", is if they come to find out that you are interesting, sophisticated, wordly, etc'

This is why building up friends, your work, your life, your hobbies is all so important.

Someone else mentioned it is unfair to base your happiness on a woman/RS and she was absolutely right.

You have to like you and be the best of you before you can expect anyone to want to be around you.

 

 

One thing I am stunned by is you are about to graduate and your sole focus is on women...with big boobs..and all you want to do at night is sleep or have sex. That comment floored me - the sex one.

 

 

Where is your life SD?

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I would always respect her boundaries. That's not even a question. I am going to try to get closer to her in ways that are acceptable to her. I'm also not going to hide that I like her.

.

 

How can you say that when you are already not respecting her boundaries? She was so clear with you! You are not going to become her type just by association. As soon as she gets that you are trying to get closer or get her alone or whatever your plan is, she is going to completely avoid you forever for sure. Do you even know what boundaries means? It's seeming like no.

[xxoo]

Denny's is not the way to inspire chemistry.

 

You want to inspire interest. To do so, you need to be interesting. Have interests. Go interesting places, know interesting people, and do interesting things.

[somedude81]

How can you say that when you are already not respecting her boundaries? She was so clear with you! You are not going to become her type just by association.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to figure that out. Today at class she was giving me so little attention. There also seems to be two other guys that like her (I'm assuming that they like her because why wouldn't they) and she just seems to enjoy their company more.

 

I have no idea what I did wrong with her. I don't understand why she likes them more then me. Or she could just want to be friends with them. Still she enjoys them more than me, and that makes me jealous.

 

As soon as she gets that you are trying to get closer or get her alone or whatever your plan is, she is going to completely avoid you forever for sure.

 

I really don't care if she avoids me forever. At this point I realized that if I can't date her then I don't want to be around her. I just like her too much. I'm not going to be able to be her friend for long.

[GemmaUK]

Yeah, I'm starting to figure that out. Today at class she was giving me so little attention. There also seems to be two other guys that like her (I'm assuming that they like her because why wouldn't they) and she just seems to enjoy their company more.

 

I have no idea what I did wrong with her. I don't understand why she likes them more then me. Or she could just want to be friends with them. Still she enjoys them more than me, and that makes me jealous.

 

 

 

I really don't care if she avoids me forever. At this point I realized that if I can't date her then I don't want to be around her. I just like her too much. I'm not going to be able to be her friend for long.

 

 

Please don't text her again. Please!

 

 

She is doing nothing wrong.

 

 

She has her own choices.

Just as you do with how you react and feel.

[PJKino]

Denny's is not the way to inspire chemistry.

 

You want to inspire interest. To do so, you need to be interesting. Have interests. Go interesting places, know interesting people, and do interesting things.

 

Know interesting people? Lol so women would turn down a guy who didn't have high status/ interesting friends?

 

How dumb

[somedude81]

Please don't text her again. Please!

 

 

She is doing nothing wrong.

 

 

She has her own choices.

Just as you do with how you react and feel.

 

Of course I'm not going to try to start anything with her again. And of course she hasn't done anything wrong. I'm the one who screwed up by not being able to figure out what she reacts to.

 

It's just so frustrating.

 

And I'm also pretty sure that the other girl doesn't like me either.

 

I'm sick of girls just wanting to be friends with me!

[xxoo]

Know interesting people? Lol so women would turn down a guy who didn't have high status/ interesting friends?

 

How dumb

 

No, women will overlook a guy who has NOTHING about him that inspires interest. Friends are just one possible example.

 

I didn't say a thing about high status.

[ThaWholigan]

Know interesting people? Lol so women would turn down a guy who didn't have high status/ interesting friends?

 

How dumb

Hey, something about a man has to be interesting to a woman. Intrigue begets attraction. Most of the interest I ever got from women was not my looks or my "high status friends" per se - it was simply because they found me intriguing. I have a character - an expansive, sometimes contradictory one, but a character nonetheless. I will have a niche as a result.

 

If you don't have anything about your life that gives you character, if you have no interests and you live a boring life and all your friends are exactly the same (i.e. you all go to work, then to the pub then home) then the only women you will attract are women who similarly have nothing else for them and live boring lives. And most of them probably aren't satisfied with those lives - and would probably latch onto a guy who actually has a life.

 

Not saying this is you, but it's a common thing. And boring doesn't mean average either. Average people at least have varied lives, even though they are seen as average.

[xxoo]

Of course I'm not going to try to start anything with her again. And of course she hasn't done anything wrong. I'm the one who screwed up by not being able to figure out what she reacts to.

 

It's not like each woman is a puzzle or a challenge. You can't twist yourself into being what a woman likes.

 

But you can develop yourself into someone who attracts more women than you currently attract, and at that point there will be a higher chance of mutual attraction in the mix of women you like and women who like you.

 

For everyone, finding that MUTUAL attraction is a challenge.

[ThaWholigan]

Yeah, I'm starting to figure that out. Today at class she was giving me so little attention. There also seems to be two other guys that like her (I'm assuming that they like her because why wouldn't they) and she just seems to enjoy their company more.

 

I have no idea what I did wrong with her. I don't understand why she likes them more then me. Or she could just want to be friends with them. Still she enjoys them more than me, and that makes me jealous.

 

Mate, if you were here, I'd give you a pat on the back and tell you to stop. Stop analyzing why she doesn't like you and what you "did wrong". The possibility exists that no matter what you did, she probably wouldn't have been interested in you - hell, she communicated that pretty early.

 

You gotta take it on the chin. I've asked myself all the same questions "What was I doing that was wrong? Why doesn't she like me like those other guys?". Truth is, it doesn't really matter focusing on the details. Yeah we could always communicate a little better, have a more varied life, be fitter - but even that won't guarantee the girl. If she doesn't have that visceral gut attraction to you (either in a short space of time or after a while), then no matter how brilliant you are, she won't be into you. That's life man.

 

I understand that feeling though, that "all of them are rejecting me". Again, you need more volume, a wider radar of women. You can only really do that by actually trying to build a more expansive life, but that's up to you at the end of the day. You don't seem all that interested in doing so. But I can tell you, you at least improve your odds of finding someone.

 

I really don't care if she avoids me forever. At this point I realized that if I can't date her then I don't want to be around her. I just like her too much. I'm not going to be able to be her friend for long.

 

Fair enough, but again - there's a choice to be made here. Do you want to keep shunning platonic friendships with girls because you can't control your need to be with them? Or do you actually want to confront that lack of emotional boundaries so that you can actually enjoy a friendship for what it is and end up meeting more women?

[clia]

Of course I'm not going to try to start anything with her again. And of course she hasn't done anything wrong. I'm the one who screwed up by not being able to figure out what she reacts to.

 

I don't understand this. Why do you even think you could've done anything about it? For all you know, she is into blonde guys who paint, or black guys who play the piano.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't understand this. Why do you even think you could've done anything about it? For all you know, she is into blonde guys who paint, or black guys who play the piano.

Interesting example there

[GemmaUK]

Hey, something about a man has to be interesting to a woman. Intrigue begets attraction. Most of the interest I ever got from women was not my looks or my "high status friends" per se - it was simply because they found me intriguing. I have a character - an expansive, sometimes contradictory one, but a character nonetheless. I will have a niche as a result.

 

If you don't have anything about your life that gives you character, if you have no interests and you live a boring life and all your friends are exactly the same (i.e. you all go to work, then to the pub then home) then the only women you will attract are women who similarly have nothing else for them and live boring lives. And most of them probably aren't satisfied with those lives - and would probably latch onto a guy who actually has a life.

 

Not saying this is you, but it's a common thing. And boring doesn't mean average either. Average people at least have varied lives, even though they are seen as average.

 

SD, you should pay attention to this guy.

 

 

His intrigue thing..

 

 

Well..and apologies for this Whooligan..but I sent him a mail a couple of weeks ago saying various things and I did also say 'no need to reply'.

He never did.

All is cool.

However, on the forum..yep..he has captured my interest - because he posts a lot of sense.

Via mail because:

 

 

A. he didn't reply. I said he didn't need to.

B. I believe he took my mail as it was intended.

C. is confident enough in himself to not have had any issues with anything I mailed him about and also...is just himself..take or leave.

I respect that.

I respect him.

We respect each other.

 

 

But yeah, I am intrigued, interested in his thoughts and look forward to his posts!

 

 

Backing off and not 'needing' attention can be more appealing than trying to compete for attention is where I am going with this.

You say you would prefer to get someone alone rather than compete for attention.

Maybe stop competing.

[thefooloftheyear]

You dont want to be friended by women??, fine....then dont participate in it...

 

You have insomnia.?? Go to the gym and actually train hard...You will sleep like a rock...And who knows??, you might actually be more attractive by showing you take care of yourself....Kill two with one stone..

 

TFY

[ThaWholigan]

SD, you should pay attention to this guy.

 

 

His intrigue thing..

 

 

Well..and apologies for this Whooligan..but I sent him a mail a couple of weeks ago saying various things and I did also say 'no need to reply'.

He never did.

All is cool.

However, on the forum..yep..he has captured my interest - because he posts a lot of sense.

Via mail because:

 

 

A. he didn't reply. I said he didn't need to.

B. I believe he took my mail as it was intended.

C. is confident enough in himself to not have had any issues with anything I mailed him about and also...is just himself..take or leave.

I respect that.

I respect him.

We respect each other.

 

 

But yeah, I am intrigued, interested in his thoughts and look forward to his posts!

 

 

Backing off and not 'needing' attention can be more appealing than trying to compete for attention is where I am going with this.

You say you would prefer to get someone alone rather than compete for attention.

Maybe stop competing.

No need to apologize - I am most grateful .

[somedude81]

I don't understand this. Why do you even think you could've done anything about it? For all you know, she is into blonde guys who paint, or black guys who play the piano.

 

The two guys don't seem to be all that similar, and one actually gives me gay vibes, though he may not be. They are both a little taller than me, and none of them are white. Honestly I think I'm better looking than they are.

 

That's why I'm not understanding why she isn't reacting to me the way she does with them.

 

I also don't think that they have significantly more interesting lives than I do. All that matters is how they make her feel when interacting with her.

 

That's the chemistry I'm not figuring out.

[Anela]

 

I also don't think that they have significantly more interesting lives than I do. All that matters is how they make her feel when interacting with her.

 

That's the chemistry I'm not figuring out.

 

Looks aren't everything. You don't know who they are as people, what sort of plans they have for their lives, and you also don't know that they aren't her type. I'm also betting that they're younger than you are.

[somedude81]

Looks aren't everything. You don't know who they are as people, what sort of plans they have for their lives, and you also don't know that they aren't her type. I'm also betting that they're younger than you are.

 

No, I don't know her type.

 

But I'm saying I don't think they are all that different from me for them to be her type and I'm not.

 

All I can guess is that I'm doing something wrong.

 

I really can't see how their life plans matter all that much or mine.

[ThaWholigan]

No, I don't know her type.

 

But I'm saying I don't think they are all that different from me for them to be her type and I'm not.

 

All I can guess is that I'm doing something wrong.

 

I really can't see how their life plans matter all that much or mine.

I'm really not trying to be a dick but there seems to be a lot that you can't "see". Perhaps what you're doing wrong is not rectifying your emotional attachment to these girls. It's probably seeping through your in your interactions with them and you can't......well, "see" it.

 

Like I said - been there, done that.