What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[organizedchaos]

I just need to get a D in the class to pass and graduate.

 

I don't know what grades/points I need to get on the tests to get a D.

 

So far I've pretty much failed every test though hoping that I get enough points, and that combined with the homework and other assignments I'll get my D.

 

My third exam was today and I'm sure I got another F. But it's the best I can possibly do.

 

And yet you want to further distract yourself by dating and finding a gf instead of, oh, I don't know, worrying about your future and how you'll ever be an attractive prospect to women.

[organizedchaos]

If that's the case then you have no reason to post in threads I make.

 

Does anyone?

[Teknoe]

SD's lack of success in basically everything gives me very little confidence that he will actually

 

A. Pass Calculus

B. Graduate in December

C. Find a decent paying job

 

Everything is such a struggle for him. Yet instead of applying the tips people have been given him, he continues to loop himself.

 

He's gravely mistaken if he think he'll find a good job right out of graduation. I fear how he would perform in interviews, based off his posts. He is in for a cold slap of reality sooner or later.

 

The longer he delays it, the worse it's gonna hit him when it finally does.

[somedude81]

If I remember correctly you are not enrolled in the dance class but show up ostensibly to practice but with the real purpose being to meet girls.

 

At this late stage (you have 4 weeks left?) I would not go to Busy Girl's particular class anymore. I feel from the state of your posts regarding her and quite frankly your emotionally immature response to the whole situation, that the remaining few lessons will just serve to make you feel more jealous, bitter and inadequate.

 

I don't think you have mentioned being interested in other girls in that particular class, so I assume your entire focus is just on her every time; how she interacts with other guys, how much/little attention she pays you etc. ,even though she has made it quite clear she wants no more than friendship. This class has evolved to an emotionally draining event instead of the invigorating/positive time you envisaged you would be having .

 

I would really like to see you finish strong and confident about your coming future after college regardless of your "dating status". Don't get bogged down in petty stuff now you're in reach of graduating.

 

Busy girl is the only girl I'm interested in that class. Although I do have a lady friend in that class that I've written about before, and I'm also friendly with her friend. I actually spend more time with those two girls than with busy girl, as she has the guys she hangs out with Bah, I wish the guys can switch to the girls I'm with, and then I'll get busy girl myself.

[Teknoe]

I actually spend more time with those two girls than with busy girl, as she has the guys she hangs out with Bah.

 

God forbid you actually spent some time with members of the same sex.

God forbid you actually spent some time to get to know some GUYS.

God forbid you actually made an attempt at being social with a group of people who you do not want sex from.

 

Tunnel vision. It's killing you, SD. As Tha has been saying all along, you need to be more expansive, and that includes befriending the same sex.

 

I'm telling you. For most girls, a loner guy with tunnel vision is amongst the creepiest things out there. It gets the insta-creepy label, in fact.

 

Become more well rounded and interesting, and you will increase your odds of attracting the opposite sex. Right now you are uninteresting, lonely, miserable, failing in school and and failing to mature. I don't care how good an actor you are or how much you shout you're always happy around girls... girls see right through that and they CAN SEE YOUR JUNK.

 

And your junk has been sending them running for the hills, time after time.

 

But go ahead, what do we know? Keep doing what you doing. It's clearly a formula for success.

[Els]

To avoid the situation I'm in now.

 

If I had a back up girl, I would have been fine when my ex dumped me. Or I wouldn't have appeared so needy or whatever to my ex because I had another girl on the side, and she wouldn't have dumped me at all.

 

Nobody is going to argue with me that the best time to try and meet women is when I'm feeling my best and have high confidence. The worst time to meet women is when I'm feeling crappy and have low confidence.

 

What would more realistically have happened would be that backup girl dumps you once she knows you have a gf, gf dumps you once she knows you were looking for 'backup girls', and you would've developed a tenacious reputation for being an ******* (which, if you'd gone through with that, would have been the truth).

 

 

I am extremely focused in school and I'm putting in tons of effort. So much that it's burning me out. At least four hours of math 5 days a week. And then I still do poorly on the tests. That fu*king sucks knowing that I'm working so hard and not getting the results I need. This stupid class is making me feel like an idiot and it's really bringing me down.

This is only 20 hours/week. What is happening the rest of the time? Seems like you wouldn't even need to quit salsa to put in more hours, as many people work/study 40 hours/week while still having hobbies.

 

I get that calculus sucks, but surely you could put in more than 20 hours when your future is literally dependent on it. I gotta be honest with you - I've been through the whole college thing and tutored undergrads during grad school, and it's REALLY hard to equate 'being extremely focused and putting in so much effort it's burning you out' to '20 hours a week'. Better not quote that figure to your Prof when you see her.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Elswyth

[sillyanswer]

I am extremely focused in school and I'm putting in tons of effort. So much that it's burning me out. At least four hours of math 5 days a week. And then I still do poorly on the tests. That fu*king sucks knowing that I'm working so hard and not getting the results I need. This stupid class is making me feel like an idiot and it's really bringing me down.

 

While I'm sure the course is supposed to be passable with fewer hours (because most students would be taking multiple classes), given that this is your only academic class and given that you're doing poorly on the tests perhaps you need to be putting in the amount of effort more like a full time job... something like 8 hours a day. Perhaps some of the extra 4 hours could be spent on more remedial or fundamental topics or studying the previous course (if this one builds upon a previous one) to get you up to speed.

[rester]

I've known that for a long time. She's also told me that herself.

 

She's just a fantasy that I don't want to give up.

 

I wish I knew what kind of guy she wanted so I could work on changing myself.

 

You can't change yourself, but you can improve yourself.

 

What if busy girl only dated men younger then her? Or only guys with beards, or only Rastafarians, or -insert anything you can never or would never be here-?

 

Would you grow a beard just for her approval? Would you convert to Rastafarianism? You'd be a phony unless you did these things for yourself only.

 

It must be difficult to study with these girls on your mind all the time. This is why people are saying to take a break from the girl chasing and focus on the one thing you need to do in life right now: pass calculus. If you need a breather, go surfing, play your guitar, go to the gym. Do you do any of those things anymore?

 

I'm really curious what fills up the other 11 or so hours of your day that you're presumably awake for. I know studying calculus for that long day after day is tough but it's what, just another six weeks or so? Suck it up and buckle down now.

[serial muse]

No, but I emailed my professor earlier today asking as much. I also met with her on Monday to tell her what situation I'm in.

 

What did she say???

[Got it]

What would more realistically have happened would be that backup girl dumps you once she knows you have a gf, gf dumps you once she knows you were looking for 'backup girls', and you would've developed a tenacious reputation for being an ******* (which, if you'd gone through with that, would have been the truth).

 

 

This is only 20 hours/week. What is happening the rest of the time? Seems like you wouldn't even need to quit salsa to put in more hours, as many people work/study 40 hours/week while still having hobbies.

 

I get that calculus sucks, but surely you could put in more than 20 hours when your future is literally dependent on it. I gotta be honest with you - I've been through the whole college thing and tutored undergrads during grad school, and it's REALLY hard to equate 'being extremely focused and putting in so much effort it's burning you out' to '20 hours a week'. Better not quote that figure to your Prof when you see her.

 

I agree.

 

When I was in college the plan was you did 40 hours a week (just like you would at a job). So you had your hours in class and the rest of the time was studying.

 

If you are struggling then I would recommend (well prior to this point) talking to the Professor, getting a tutor, assessing studying abilities and changing practices, assess and change time management skills/practices.

 

I struggled in Latin. I went the Professor multiple times, had a student tutor (paid), redid any work that I was able to, put in many hours of studying a week on Latin, flash carding, etc.

 

Go to the student center and ask for help. Turn over ever rock to improve the scores. This is something that has to be started right away.

[somedude81]

You can't change yourself, but you can improve yourself.

 

What if busy girl only dated men younger then her? Or only guys with beards, or only Rastafarians, or -insert anything you can never or would never be here-?

 

Would you grow a beard just for her approval? Would you convert to Rastafarianism? You'd be a phony unless you did these things for yourself only.

 

I really doubt that she has requirements like those.

 

The easy answer is to tell me that she only dates X guys that I can never be, and that just doesn't sound realistic.

[Phoe]

I'm several pages back, but I'm kind of amazed at the horrible reaction everyone's had to dennys.

 

Dennys was my ex's go to for taking me on a date. Dennys or sizzlers, and I always liked Dennys. Especially the seasonal menus or specialty menus that come and go. Always something new.

 

Especially after a dance, dennys is simple and easy for some down time. After a dance is NOT the time for something fancy, IMO

[rester]

I really doubt that she has requirements like those.

 

The easy answer is to tell me that she only dates X guys that I can never be, and that just doesn't sound realistic.

 

My point was that her specific preferences are none of your business because you already know you don't meet them. It won't do you any good to know what her preferences are because you can't change to be someone you're not. Improving oneself is not the same as changing oneself.

 

Didn't you say the other two guys aren't white? Aren't you a white guy? What ethnicity is busy girl? Maybe she only dates specific ethnicities.

[somedude81]

I'm several pages back, but I'm kind of amazed at the horrible reaction everyone's had to dennys.

 

Dennys was my ex's go to for taking me on a date. Dennys or sizzlers, and I always liked Dennys. Especially the seasonal menus or specialty menus that come and go. Always something new.

 

Especially after a dance, dennys is simple and easy for some down time. After a dance is NOT the time for something fancy, IMO

 

Apparently Denny's isn't cool. And all the girls I'm interested in are super cool people who wouldn't be caught dead in a Denny's.

 

I just thought it would be a decent place to go eat late at night after dancing.

[somedude81]

My point was that her specific preferences are none of your business because you already know you don't meet them. It won't do you any good to know what her preferences are because you can't change to be someone you're not. Improving oneself is not the same as changing oneself.

 

Didn't you say the other two guys aren't white? Aren't you a white guy? What ethnicity is busy girl? Maybe she only dates specific ethnicities.

 

I was thinking that maybe she liked guys who dressed a certain way that I'm not doing that I can do, or that she only dates guys who do ballet. Something like that.

 

One guy is Asian the other guy seems to be like he's from Guam or something. She herself is light skinned European with light brown hair. I think she said Polish or something like that. I'm half white and Cuban, though everybody just assumes I'm white.

[Phoe]

I just thought it would be a decent place to go eat late at night after dancing.

 

This exactly.

 

After a night of dancing when I was in college, people grabbed Denny's, or walked into the little pizza or burrito shop.

 

No one went somewhere "cool".

[MidwestUSA]

Exactly.

 

I'm stuck in a loop.

 

I have been for a long time. Though last year I wasn't in the loop because I got lucky and a girl fell for me and we dated for six months. Unfortunately I really thought that relationship was going to work out instead of doing the smart thing and trying to pursue other girls at the same time. When I was with her my confidence was at it's highest and I should have been looking for a back up girl(s)

 

Back up girl?

 

Please, for the love of god, tell me that you're just pulling our legs.

 

Well, now that we know you're failing calc, despite having been told LAST SPRING to line up some help over the summer, I think our collective job here is done. It's plain to see why you wasted the summer. You were counting on your dance classes for your next girlfriend.

 

You could have worked a job over the summer, which might have put you in contact with some of the 'acquisitions' you so desire, but you didn't. You could have enlisted a math tutor, but you didn't. You could have talked to guidance counselors at school, but you didn't. You could have been in intense therapy, and maybe tried another antidepressant, but you didn't.

 

I'm not as eloquent as thaWho, or as sharp witted as Lani, but I can plainly see you're comfortable wallowing in your pity pit. And I don't have any further words for you. I look forward to your next chapter, however, because it's gonna be a doozy.

[somedude81]

Ugh, I had a feeling it was a bad idea to talk about my schooling in this thread. I should really know when to not say anything.

 

Well, now seems like a good place to start.

[MidwestUSA]

Ugh, I had a feeling it was a bad idea to talk about my schooling in this thread. I should really know when to not say anything.

 

Well, now seems like a good place to start.

 

 

 

Everything else in your life depends on that schooling. But you just can't see that. Good luck.

[ColdEggNog]

Long time lurker on these threads, but I really felt like interjecting:

 

1) Denny's isn't a conventional date place (unless you live amongst rednecks. Trust me, this wasn't unusual where I used to live). Nonetheless, if she's truly interested in you she won't care where you go especially if it's a spur in the moment.

 

Somebody has already suggested calling her up and asking her out now to do something after the dance, which is pretty good advice. Have you thought about calling her up now and asking her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat before the dance?

 

2) somedude: don't take advice so literally or so black-and-white, lest you end up taking the wrong advice and end up in a hypothetical mess like this: Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

You're not getting the advice you want because there is no magical puzzle piece that fits all. You're going to get conflicting advice no matter what. This is why it has been suggested to bite the bullet and make some friends in your dance classes, because only experience will teach you what's most comfortable for you. Consider your ex; I noticed you didn't post much here at all while you were dating and I guess this is because you didn't need our advice as you were learning by experience. If you can put your feelings aside as hard as it is and possibly just be friends with Busy Girl and the two other guys and get into your friend group, I'm thinking you'll learn way more from them and won't need our advice. My two cents.

[somedude81]

Long time lurker on these threads, but I really felt like interjecting:

 

1) Denny's isn't a conventional date place (unless you live amongst rednecks. Trust me, this wasn't unusual where I used to live). Nonetheless, if she's truly interested in you she won't care where you go especially if it's a spur in the moment.

 

Hey dude, I remember you from before.

 

It wasn't supposed to be a date. I was just thinking of a quick and easy close by place to get some food after dancing.

 

Somebody has already suggested calling her up and asking her out now to do something after the dance, which is pretty good advice. Have you thought about calling her up now and asking her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat before the dance?

 

That also would have been a good idea. But I'm not going to do it.

 

Yesterday after my math class (around 5) I sent her a text saying that we should get lunch tomorrow after salsa. She hasn't replied to that text. So I'm not going to try to contact her any more before Friday night.

 

My goal for Friday is to just pretend that she likes me so I can have fun and be confident. Thinking too much just brings me down, even more so because I have very negative self-talk.

 

2) somedude: don't take advice so literally or so black-and-white, lest you end up taking the wrong advice and end up in a hypothetical mess like this: Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

Ha, that was funny. Too bad it was The Onion.

 

You're not getting the advice you want because there is no magical puzzle piece that fits all. You're going to get conflicting advice no matter what. This is why it has been suggested to bite the bullet and make some friends in your dance classes, because only experience will teach you what's most comfortable for you.

 

You're right. Advice here will conflict and I can't take it all. And people will get mad at me for not taking that specific advice. That's just something that I have to accept and let it not affect me.

 

I do wish there was a magical puzzle piece, and it frustrates me that I can't find it. It feels like I'm so close to getting what I want, and I just need a little push to make things go through. I'm desperate to find out what that push is, and I don't want to accept that it might not exist.

 

 

Consider your ex; I noticed you didn't post much here at all while you were dating and I guess this is because you didn't need our advice as you were learning by experience.

 

And that may have been my greatest mistake

 

Perhaps if I was at least posting weekly about my relationship, I could have received valuable feedback that could have resulted in her staying with me.

 

Learning by experience ultimately failed.

 

 

If you can put your feelings aside as hard as it is and possibly just be friends with Busy Girl and the two other guys and get into your friend group, I'm thinking you'll learn way more from them and won't need our advice. My two cents.

 

I really don't want to be in a group of her and two other guys. I have too much respect for myself to do that.

 

I will try to be her friend, but I don't want to share her attention with guys.

[serial muse]

 

I will try to be her friend, but I don't want to share her attention with guys.

 

= not being her friend.

 

You're so stubborn about this, and for no good reason. You want to try to be her friend, then try to be her friend. That means act like a friend, not a prospective boyfriend. Why is it so hard for you to accept that changing your mindset on this will be GOOD for you? It might HELP you. It might make you LESS depressed. Having a friend who isn't leery of you, where there is absolutely no pressure and NOBODY is waiting for the other shoe to drop, is RELAXING and FUN. Why are you being so stubborn about this?

[normal person]

 

I will try to be her friend, but I don't want to share her attention with guys.

 

If you can't share her attention, you aren't an actual friend. You're just some deceitful guy disguising himself as a friend to try and get something more. Learn the difference. If you can't be an actual friend, don't advertise yourself as one.

[OwMyEyeball]

How else am I supposed to learn chemistry?

 

Right now I'm trying to practice on girls I know IRL, but it's just trial and error and I have no idea what I'm doing. As anybody whose done any level of chemistry should know, it's simply dangerous to mix random chemicals together and hope for the best. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing.

Let me use another analogy, since chemistry is an intellectual field that hinges on academic knowledge and structured understanding (i.e. intellect) rather than casual experience.

 

Golf. You're on here trying to learn how to be a better golf player.

 

Seems pretty straightforward given the basic physics involved. You would think any physics student would be a marvelous player. The better the student, the better the player.

 

Wrong. Dead wrong. Theoretical understanding and actual performance have no correlation whatsoever.

 

What makes for a great golf player are a few things:

 

a) natural talent

b) strong and present coaching (i.e. the coach is often there in person to assist with technique, mindset, etc.)

c) practice

d) mindfulness (i.e. living in the moment, getting into the 'zone', eliminating self-awareness)

 

Romance isn't any different.

 

Right now you're focused only on practice and theory. Notice how 'theory' isn't even on the list. It's worthless to you. In fact, it can be harmful if the athlete is consistently getting inside his own head and analyzing situations with the part of his mind that is not equipped for the task at hand. Performance dies. Coaches concern themselves with theory and impart onto the athletes what they need to know to perform. Nothing more.

 

There's not much you can do about A (natural talent). Some people have it more than others. And it looks like you're bold enough to tackle C (practice). That's commendable.

 

But without B (coaching) and D (mindfulness) you're really screwing yourself over by reinforcing poor habits. These are only compounded by all the theorizing. It's like driving a plane on the ground. Good tool, wrong application.

 

SD - find yourself a life coach, counselor, therapist or whatever socially adept professional around that you click with ("date" a few to find one that fits) and put yourself in their hands.

 

You'd probably also benefit from finding yourself a spiritual teacher who can show you the ropes around meditation practice and getting out of that confusing head of yours. It's ironic how what you consider to be your greatest ally is actually your greatest barrier to success.

[xxoo]

Apparently Denny's isn't cool. And all the girls I'm interested in are super cool people who wouldn't be caught dead in a Denny's.

 

I just thought it would be a decent place to go eat late at night after dancing.

 

Denny's is where FRIENDS go to hang out and be obnoxious late at night. Or at least, that's what my friends did.

 

This thread is about inspiring chemistry. Chemistry is special. Denny's (and the guy who suggests it) is about as uninspired as can be.