What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[xxoo]

I will try to be her friend, but I don't want to share her attention with guys.

 

Do you understand what it means to be a friend?

[sillyanswer]

Sure, I can call from now on. I just assumed that young girls these days prefer text.

 

Also, I probably spoke on the phone with my ex girlfriend twice in the entire six months we were dating. All dates were arranged through text and email.

 

Still I can see the benefit of calling as it gives me a quick answer.

 

A lot of younger people might prefer text, but you need to do something to stand out a little. Call, not text. Nicer restaurant, not Denny's.

 

The other advantage of calling is that you're not sitting there afterwards waiting to see if you get a response.

[GemmaUK]

I'm really scratching my head here.

 

 

You are 33.

You are not working, not even part time from the sound of it - wish I could have at your age!

You only spend 20 hrs per week on studies which is not a lot.

You are failing your tests recently.

You want to graduate? (this is an actual question).

 

 

Why is a gf the goal right now when you only have a month or two before you pass or fail?

 

 

It's almost like you want to fail so that you go back to college and still have no reason to get a job or be the 33 year old you really are and to be 34 and continue pursuing 20-24 year olds who are not into dating a man your age and want a normal relationship with a peer of theirs who will age as they will.

[somedude81]

I think there are shades of grey to this. While texting may scream laziness sometimes, SD is usually screaming "desperation" otherwise. Calling might be a bit much. My friend canceled a first date with a guy she met online because he called her ahead of time and left a voicemail. I thought it was weird too.

 

Texting someone is low pressure. They aren't on the spot, they can respond when they want and can carefully articulate the reply.

 

At the end of the day, if she likes him she's going to go out with him regardless of his method of contact. She's not going to say "I want to go out with him so bad but UGH, why did he text and not call?! I can't go out with him now."

 

Keep in mind this girl is younger (early 20s?). Do people that age ever call anyone for stuff like this? I don't know.

 

That's a big reason why I prefer to text. I want to be very low pressure. And yes, if she likes me she will go out with me regardless of how I contacted her.

 

As for the ages. Lunch girl (whom I texted yesterday inviting to lunch) is 26 and Busy girl is 23.

[Anela]

I'm several pages back, but I'm kind of amazed at the horrible reaction everyone's had to dennys.

 

Dennys was my ex's go to for taking me on a date. Dennys or sizzlers, and I always liked Dennys. Especially the seasonal menus or specialty menus that come and go. Always something new.

 

Especially after a dance, dennys is simple and easy for some down time. After a dance is NOT the time for something fancy, IMO

 

The last time I was in Denny's, the food was terrible. It really isn't a "date" place, and I think it would look good if he showed a little more imagination.

 

Southern California has to have better options than Denny's and Sizzler.

 

Ugh, I had a feeling it was a bad idea to talk about my schooling in this thread. I should really know when to not say anything.

 

Well, now seems like a good place to start.

 

The posts about school weren't the worst things I've read in this thread, but really, doing better and graduating would look better to girls/women. I don't care how many guys point out their friend who is a total loser, and has his own harem - you aren't going to be one of them.

[xxoo]

Also, I probably spoke on the phone with my ex girlfriend twice in the entire six months we were dating. All dates were arranged through text and email.

 

Just FYI, speaking daily is typical for an established relationship. Phone, facetime, or skype.

[Imajerk17]

Sure, I can call from now on. I just assumed that young girls these days prefer text.

 

Also, I probably spoke on the phone with my ex girlfriend twice in the entire six months we were dating. All dates were arranged through text and email.

 

 

Your girlfriend also broke up with you after 6 months. You need to stop looking at your behavior during that relationship as the model of "how you should behave" in a dating situation.

[rester]

I was thinking that maybe she liked guys who dressed a certain way that I'm not doing that I can do, or that she only dates guys who do ballet. Something like that.

 

One guy is Asian the other guy seems to be like he's from Guam or something. She herself is light skinned European with light brown hair. I think she said Polish or something like that. I'm half white and Cuban, though everybody just assumes I'm white.

 

Are you saying (hypothetically) that you would learn ballet just to get a date with busy girl? Are you interested in ballet, or would you be doing it to get a date?

 

What level of changing yourself are you willing to go through?

[BlueIris]

Busy Girl is probably studying, working, making friends, setting goals and achieving. Busy. She likely has chemistry with people on the same wavelength and who view being busy as an asset not a flaw or impediment.

[somedude81]

Are you saying (hypothetically) that you would learn ballet just to get a date with busy girl? Are you interested in ballet, or would you be doing it to get a date?

 

What level of changing yourself are you willing to go through?

 

I would do it to become a guy she is interested in.

 

Busy Girl is probably studying, working, making friends, setting goals and achieving. Busy. She likely has chemistry with people on the same wavelength and who view being busy as an asset not a flaw or impediment.

 

I'm also studying, making friends, setting goals and trying to achieve. The only thing I'm not doing is working because I can't handle the current load plus a job. I spend a lot of time studying outside of school as well. I'm also busy.

 

Being too busy is of course an impediment. It will be hard for a relationship to form if nobody has time for each other.

[xxoo]

Think about the guys she is having fun with for a moment.

 

First of all, there are two of them. If they are relaxed and enjoying themselves with her, obviously neither of them is crippled by jealousy when she talks to other guys.

 

Second, she may not even be interested in either of them romantically, and still they are having a good time with her. Heck, maybe they are dating or wanting to date someone else.

 

This is normal and healthy. Try to be more like them in these respects, and women will like you more.

[BlueIris]

I would do it to become a guy she is interested in.

 

 

 

I'm also studying, making friends, setting goals and trying to achieve. The only thing I'm not doing is working because I can't handle the current load plus a job. I spend a lot of time studying outside of school as well. I'm also busy.

 

Being too busy is of course an impediment. It will be hard for a relationship to form if nobody has time for each other.

 

SD, Taking one academic class and (nearly?) failing it, not interning or even interviewing for career-entry jobs in your final semester, and taking classes like surfing and salsa are not academic muscle or exertion. People who work and go to school full time DO have time for a relationship. I realize that you do not think that things like values and priorities and lifestyle matter in relationship, and that looks, Denny's vs Cool Place, and Texting vs Phone Calls do. People like Busy Girl and you are on completely different wavelengths, kind of like you speak English and she speaks Mandarin.

I think you're going to have better luck outside of the college and university setting.

[xxoo]

I'm also studying, making friends, setting goals and trying to achieve. The only thing I'm not doing is working because I can't handle the current load plus a job. I spend a lot of time studying outside of school as well. I'm also busy.

 

The load you can/can't carry significantly affects attraction, as well.

[Phoe]

The last time I was in Denny's, the food was terrible. It really isn't a "date" place, and I think it would look good if he showed a little more imagination.

 

Southern California has to have better options than Denny's and Sizzler.

 

Southern California is rather large, and there are plenty of rural areas, like where I am, where sizzlers literally is the nicest place. Sizzlerrs is actually 2 towns over and people make the drive because there might be nothing else

 

I don't know whereabouts SD lives, but yes, I'm sure there is better, since it's a college area. The question is whether that's appropriate for a low key grabbing some food.

 

This isn't a "date". This is SD simply extending the dancing evening and spending a little more time with her.

 

Trying to do something super fancy after an evening of dancing is just gonna come off so forced and contrived.

[Anela]

I have never in my life been to a place like that, date or no date, let alone for a "not date" of grabbing food after dancing.

 

Maybe this is why your ex thought that a reception at Sizzler would be fine: up until that point, it seems as though you never once stated a preference for anything nicer. I've always thought that going out to eat on a date, would mean something nicer than a Denny's.

[Anela]

That's just plain awful advice. No woman should behave so foolishly.

 

Sorry, but I don't think it's awful advice. You don't ask someone out, and then insist that they fork out for their half.

[Phoe]

Maybe this is why your ex thought that a reception at Sizzler would be fine: up until that point, it seems as though you never once stated a preference for anything nicer. I've always thought that going out to eat on a date, would mean something nicer than a Denny's.

 

He's the only one who actually bothered to take me out at all, ever, so I was pretty damn grateful.

 

The ex before that took me to Taco Bell for our first date, I paid, and we never went on another date again.

 

The 2 boyfriends before that never took me on a date at all.

 

Trying to woo a girl through fancy dinners and money is a bad plan. Wanna know why I was so thrilled to eat at Denny's? Because I was with him. I adored him.

[rester]

I know people think my advice to SD probably sucks, but SD and I have a lot in common, and I know that if he tries to get a girl through fancy dinners and spending money, he will just get hurt.

 

There's no reason to go to fancy places, but no reason to pick a national chain restaurant that is brightly lit and typically caters to families, either. There are a lot in between.

[Phoe]

All I'm saying is that if this girls having a great time with SD, she not gonna give a rats ass whether she's at Denny's or sizzlerrs or a hot dog stand. None of it will be relevant.

[organizedchaos]

I would do it to become a guy she is interested in.

 

 

 

I'm also studying, making friends, setting goals and trying to achieve. The only thing I'm not doing is working because I can't handle the current load plus a job. I spend a lot of time studying outside of school as well. I'm also busy.

 

Being too busy is of course an impediment. It will be hard for a relationship to form if nobody has time for each other.

 

Someone who wants to spend time with you, or wants to date you, or wants to be in a relationship with you, will always make time for you.

[Els]

I have never in my life been to a place like that, date or no date, let alone for a "not date" of grabbing food after dancing.

 

These are college girls looking for some late night food, not fancy rich professionals.

 

SD, I know I'm the ONLY one who thinks it, but dennys is fine for an after dancing snack. And I think you already know that if a girl would next you if you chose Denny's, but what date you if you took her somewhere fancy, that she's not right for you.

 

So, we're back to talking about Denny's, huh?

 

Phoe, I think there's a HUGE difference between Denny's and a 'fancy restaurant'. As SD lives in a city, surely there are lots of nice little hole-in-the-wall places with prices like Denny's, that are casual, but still more suited to a date. No one's exactly telling him to book a Michelin star restaurant.

 

As for a girl 'next'ing him for choosing Denny's - I don't think it's that simple. More so than dealbreakers vs no dealbreakers, it's about the signals he sends. Being close to your age, I was in college not too long ago too. And yes, my ex (whom I was dating at 20) and I usually did not go to 'fancy/expensive' restaurants. But neither did he bring me to a fast food place for and then go dutch. If he had, it would have been a big "We're only hanging out as friends and I'm not really interested" signal to me.

[somedude81]

Your girlfriend also broke up with you after 6 months. You need to stop looking at your behavior during that relationship as the model of "how you should behave" in a dating situation.

 

When she broke up with me is completely irrelevant.

 

My example was that I arranged dates over nothing but texts and email and the girl became my girlfriend.

 

The point was that as long as the girl likes you, it doesn't matter how you make the dates.

[Phoe]

I give up lol. No Denny's SD. I dunno where you live, but I imagine you've got more options than where I live

[BlueIris]

Someone who wants to spend time with you, or wants to date you, or wants to be in a relationship with you, will always make time for you.

 

True.

 

But I think its important to explain to SD that being busy doesn't mean that someone is blowing him off, or that IF she "liked" him she would give up activities and obligations for a relationship. All people have priorities and some blend relationship into other priorities while remaining busy people.

 

I have actually met men who think that if I REALLY cared I would blow off my bar prep class, not say late for a major work project, not visit my daughter, not go see my best friend, even stay up late on a work night for me but day off for him... to be with him. These men need to be with women for whom relationship is #1, or more important than school, work, family, friends- not merely an equal priority.

[normal person]

I know people think my advice to SD probably sucks, but SD and I have a lot in common, and I know that if he tries to get a girl through fancy dinners and spending money, he will just get hurt.

 

 

Trying to woo a girl through fancy dinners and money is a bad plan. Wanna know why I was so thrilled to eat at Denny's? Because I was with him. I adored him.

 

I understand what you're saying, but just because someone wants to go somewhere a little nicer doesn't mean it's to impress. SD is in college and Denny's is probably par for the course, especially after dancing. I don't think he made a terrible move here considering the demographic.

 

But let's assume you're meeting taking someone out for the first time and they don't yet adore you. Generally speaking, most people are not going to be pleased if you plan to take them to Denny's for a date. The food is less than good, there could be screaming kids everywhere, etc. You can't get a decent bar or glass of wine, I don't think they even serve alcohol, do they? I wouldn't want to eat there on my own, let alone with someone else. Picking a cooler, sexier place where you can get a little dressed up, look nice, have a few drinks, try new food and enjoy the ambience and experience is appealing to a lot of people. It's almost like part of the mating dance. I wouldn't enjoy myself as much at Denny's and I think most people would feel the same way.

 

I was meeting a friend for a drink yesterday, she told me what street she was on and that we had to find a "cute" bar there. Not just any one of the 5 on that block that serve the same thing, we had to go to the "cutest" one. You see what I mean? A lot of people are particular about the kind of the kind of experience they're going to have.