What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[johan]

Honestly, the thought of chemistry being something that is inherent, terrifies me. It says that there is absolutely nothing I can do to succeed with women and might as well give up.

 

I need to feel that it is something that I can have control over.

 

It's probably as much a matter of coming to terms with you place in the world as it is anything else. You might actually find chemistry is automatic when you put yourself in situations where you obviously belong. Why would you expect to have chemistry with a cute undergrad when you're in your mid-30s? I wouldn't. Probably where you belong is in a bar among yuppie types or at least people your age, doing and saying things someone your age relates to.

 

As long as you dwell in situations and places where you're not a natural fit, then really your best strategy is to accept that you're the odd ball. Accept that it's not going to happen for you there, but have more faith that it will happen somewhere else.

 

Most people, like Phoe, who have pointed out that you're too focused on getting a woman are onto something. Nothing inhibits chemistry more than when the person you're talking to detects that you have a huge gap in your life that they are about to be used to plug up. It won't happen, unless you find someone broken who just wants to be used, and then you're talking some bad chemistry.

 

I think most people here will think you're moving forward when you post about something else. Your mind is on this way too much.

[somedude81]

Well, yes and no.

You havent done a lot of "in the trenches" dating so this should usher in a new chapter of your dating life.

Experimentation. Outside your head. It's the new wave.

 

What do you mean by "in the trenches" dating?

 

I haven't done a lot of dating at all.

 

I've probably had 5 first dates in my entire life. My ex was the only woman I ever went on a third date with.

[somedude81]

It's probably as much a matter of coming to terms with you place in the world as it is anything else. You might actually find chemistry is automatic when you put yourself in situations where you obviously belong. Why would you expect to have chemistry with a cute undergrad when you're in your mid-30s? I wouldn't. Probably where you belong is in a bar among yuppie types or at least people your age, doing and saying things someone your age relates to.

 

 

As long as you dwell in situations and places where you're not a natural fit, then really your best strategy is to accept that you're the odd ball. Accept that it's not going to happen for you there, but have more faith that it will happen somewhere else.

 

If what you say is true, then how come I wasn't finding automatic chemistry when I was 18-22? I most certainly did obviously belong in those situations where I tried to pursue cute undergrads.

 

That's why I keep saying that my age doesn't matter. From 16-24, I only pursued women my age, and I had absolutely no success.

 

Most people, like Phoe, who have pointed out that you're too focused on getting a woman are onto something. Nothing inhibits chemistry more than when the person you're talking to detects that you have a huge gap in your life that they are about to be used to plug up. It won't happen, unless you find someone broken who just wants to be used, and then you're talking some bad chemistry.

 

I also wasn't completely focused on getting women the whole time either. There was a period for at least a couple of years where I just gave up on women. Did I meet a woman then? Nope.

 

That's why I've come to the conclusion that what is affecting how I do with women is chemistry. They just don't want to date me, no matter how old I am.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Then that's the numbers game.

 

I don't think that's what they mean SD. I guess the only kind of girls you are interested in are not likely to be interested in you. It would be unusual, I am 24 and even though I am technically too old for you I can't see how any of my girlfriends or I would see you as a potential bf. No offense, I'm sure you are great but just not in the same world or mind set as we are! You are stacking all the odds against yourself all by yourself!

 

But if you could expand your idea of who you'd like to include women who are more like you - maybe some 30's ladies who have had trouble attracting men, maybe don't have careers yet but who are good looking, nice (and have big boobs ) this "chemistry" thing might happen for you!

[somedude81]

Ok. Go improve yourself until you become the sort of man who "inspires" chemistry in women. Get a career. Get some hobbies. Get in shape. Become well read. Develop an identity that will interest people.

 

 

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

[GemmaUK]

That's why I've come to the conclusion that what is affecting how I do with women is chemistry.

 

 

You can't do anything about chemistry, you do seem to struggle with social cues (good and bad cues probably) but you have had some time to read up on body language now so fingers crossed tonight you'll be much more able to recognise people's reactions to you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

 

Try them and find out! Plus it's just cool to be and have those qualities, not just to impress girls because they bring all kinds of joy and interest to our lives! Sheesh, why do I have to point this out.

[thefooloftheyear]

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

 

Believe me....They know...

 

Those things breed confidence, and women are very adept at choosing those men..I believe its instinctual...Which helps get your foot in the door..The rest just happens naturally...The chemistry builds when they find out you arent just a face in the crowd that can play XBox...

 

You dont need to play a shell game when you can back it up...Heck you can even be a jerk and do well with women, because I am sure most women would select a jerky successful guy over a nice guy with no life.......

 

TFY

[GemmaUK]

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

 

By communicating with the woman.

[Anela]

Then that's the numbers game.

 

It requires interacting with a crap loading of women. Finding the ones that I like, and hoping they like me back. So far I've found one woman, but that didn't even last.

 

How many women do I need to meet and get close to?

 

I don't think anybody can answer that question.

 

You've hurt yourself in this way, by focusing on such a narrow pool of women - girls, really.

 

It sounded to me like you had chemistry with the girl you didn't find attractive - at least, it sounds as though she felt it. You can't force chemistry; once you've felt real chemistry, instead of plain old lust, you'll understand why people in this thread felt like banging their heads against something.

[rester]

And I'm now reviewing the thread:

 

I have to flirt.

*Sparks, butterflies. Really vague stuff. Can't be defined

Pheromones

They have to desire me sexually. (I have no clue how to make that happen)

Be charming, though maybe not?

Be interesting, stimulating, witty

One woman has chemistry with her horse

Generate romance out of thin air

Make women feel good about themselves

Spark in the eyes

It's about the vibe

Physical attraction

 

That's from the first 80 posts.

 

hahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've read on loveshack in a long time.

 

Which made me think about sharing a sense of humor in a relationship. That's important to me and I'm guessing many others. It's not something you can "create" with someone specifically, but when you share a sense of humor you know it and that can be a part of the "chemistry" of the relationship.

[cerridwen]

What do you mean by "in the trenches" dating?

 

I haven't done a lot of dating at all.

 

I've probably had 5 first dates in my entire life. My ex was the only woman I ever went on a third date with.

 

Thats my point.

You wrote that you've done trial and error for awhile.

But it seems long stretches went on where nothing new was attempted--or nothing at all.

Even a scatter gun approach.

 

So what I mean by "in the trenches" dating is you ask a girl out...she says yes or no... You continue on or back off...you finesse your skills, so on.

 

You profess not to know how to do any of that.

Lately, youve been given a ton of concrete exmples.

This is a chance to use them as well as build up a tolerance for rejection.

[Divasu]

Can a guy learn how to create chemistry? If so, how?

 

If you mean romantic chemistry, perhaps.

 

I think one of the many essential ingredients in romantic chemistry is sexual attraction (it is either instant, develops over time, or never at all).

 

The problem here is when seeking a simplistic answer, an answer that doesn't truly exist UNLESS you were to know every single ingredient that is required for both people in the past, present, and future.

 

And that is impossible to know.

[xxoo]

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

 

You would meet women while pursuing these activities.

 

Otherwise, you would have these interesting things to talk about and connect with women on these multiple levels.

 

Also, your entire demeanor and energy would be affected by these positive changes in your life.

 

Chemistry is making the other person excited to be around you. If YOU are not excited about life outside of having a girlfriend, how do you expect to excite anyone else?

[xxoo]

Then that's the numbers game.

 

It requires interacting with a crap loading of women. Finding the ones that I like, and hoping they like me back. So far I've found one woman, but that didn't even last.

 

How many women do I need to meet and get close to?

 

I don't think anybody can answer that question.

 

A single, college aged person with an average social life probably meets and flirts with dozens of women a semester. He may live in an apt or dorm and have several women that he flirts with there, hoping something will connect with one. Each class may have 3 women he's flirting with, times 5 classes that's 15. Then he's got his job at the pizza shop, where he flirts with all the "regulars", plus there are parties and buddy's sister and all HER friends who he tries to mack on.

 

This is just a normal guy. He might get laid a handful of times

[organizedchaos]

Then that's the numbers game.

 

It requires interacting with a crap loading of women. Finding the ones that I like, and hoping they like me back. So far I've found one woman, but that didn't even last.

 

How many women do I need to meet and get close to?

 

I don't think anybody can answer that question.

 

We can't. But I'll clue you in on a little secret:

 

we all face the same question and challenge.

 

Do you know how many women I met before my current gf? Women who weren't in to me, women I wasn't in to.

 

We ALL have to go through this process.

[somedude81]

A single, college aged person with an average social life probably meets and flirts with dozens of women a semester. He may live in an apt or dorm and have several women that he flirts with there, hoping something will connect with one. Each class may have 3 women he's flirting with, times 5 classes that's 15. Then he's got his job at the pizza shop, where he flirts with all the "regulars", plus there are parties and buddy's sister and all HER friends who he tries to mack on.

 

This is just a normal guy. He might get laid a handful of times

 

Why do you think I take a dance class every semester?

 

Each class has roughly 25 girls that I interact with on a regular basis (because we rotate.) This semester I was regularly going to two classes, and for the hell of it I went to a third and met Lunch girl. In those classes alone that is a potential 75 girls. Though since I don't go to Lunch girl's class that often I'll say that it's only 50 girls. I have tried to flirt or at least see if there is something there, with every single girl I was attracted to. 9 times out of 10 a woman I think has potential turns out to have a boyfriend.

 

A lack of women is most definitely not my problem.

[xxoo]

Why do you think I take a dance class every semester?

 

Each class has roughly 25 girls that I interact with on a regular basis (because we rotate.) This semester I was regularly going to two classes, and for the hell of it I went to a third and met Lunch girl. In those classes alone that is a potential 75 girls. Though since I don't go to Lunch girl's class that often I'll say that it's only 50 girls. I have tried to flirt or at least see if there is something there, with every single girl I was attracted to. 9 times out of 10 a woman I think has potential turns out to have a boyfriend.

 

A lack of women is most definitely not my problem.

 

But that other guy goes to dance class (or some similar activity with as many women) PLUS all those other things.

 

Anyway you slice it, a guy with a typical social life is going to have far more opportunities to schmooze with women in relaxed settings that a guy who has no friends, no job, no social hobbies.

 

It's a numbers game, both meeting the women and interacting with a broad range of women. The interacting part counts, and that's up to the guy. Just being in the same room doesn't count.

[somedude81]

But that other guy goes to dance class (or some similar activity with as many women) PLUS all those other things.

 

Anyway you slice it, a guy with a typical social life is going to have far more opportunities to schmooze with women in relaxed settings that a guy who has no friends, no job, no social hobbies.

 

OK sure.

 

The average guy meets πr² more women than I do

Edited November 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxoo]

OK sure.

 

The average guy meets πr² more women than I do

 

Yes, he does! Do you really doubt that? The average guy has friends. Many. And goes to parties and football games and happy hour and all sorts of normal stuff. And women are at ALL these places, in a mood to flirt and have fun, with the great social lubricant: alcohol!

 

And, the average guy will be more natural and relaxed with these women. Look at the two guys Busy Girl hangs with. THey aren't sweating the other guy. Like my example, she is just one of a sea of women they may "like". And that's why it's no big deal if she doesn't date them and just wants to be friends. They'll just try with one of the other dozens that intrigue them.

Edited November 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr Scorpio]

If I had those things, how would I show a woman that I have a career, hobbies, am well read etc?

 

 

If you're a rock climber, you post an OLD pic of you doing that. If you play guitar, you go to an open mic night. If you're a runner, you meet a gal in a running group and/or include an OLD pic of you finishing a marathon.

 

 

If you're well read, you strike up a conversation with a cute girl at the bookstore. Or you include a quote or reference to a favorite book/author in an OLD profile. If you have a career, you include it in your profile.

[Mr Scorpio]

So you go to one place with a lot of women. Great. The guy with a job meets women there. The guy who goes out drinking with his buddies meets their GF's friends. And so on it goes.

Edited November 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[johan]

If what you say is true, then how come I wasn't finding automatic chemistry when I was 18-22? I most certainly did obviously belong in those situations where I tried to pursue cute undergrads.

 

That's why I keep saying that my age doesn't matter. From 16-24, I only pursued women my age, and I had absolutely no success.

 

I also wasn't completely focused on getting women the whole time either. There was a period for at least a couple of years where I just gave up on women. Did I meet a woman then? Nope.

 

That's why I've come to the conclusion that what is affecting how I do with women is chemistry. They just don't want to date me, no matter how old I am.

 

Well a few questions come to mind for me then...

 

You've gotten best LS has to offer on this topic and on dating in general (countless times), and look where it has gotten you. What exactly do you expect? Do you envision a day when the perfect poster appears and writes the perfect combination of words that makes it all clear for you, spurring you into action on the path to success?

 

It won't happen, SD. Nothing will ever change for you on LS. This is it. How long do you want to keep walking the same path to nowhere? How long do you want to lead a bunch of confused, irritated strangers down it with you?

 

What would you do if the Ghost of SD Future came and showed you a life where there were no yoga pants hanging in the closet? What if you found out now that there will never be a Mrs. SD? Would you choose to die? Is that all the value your life has to you?

 

You don't take the advice you're given here, because you know it would just be an act. You can only be yourself. You weren't born a lady killer. You weren't born tall. You can't change those things. The college girls don't dig you. You can't change that.

 

They. Never. Will. Never. Ever.

 

Whether there will ever be a woman in your life in any enduring significant way, I can't say. But I can say that you'd better not count on it. You'd better figure out what else in the world will make life worth living.

 

That's what everyone has to do. Even the lady killers. The only advantage people who have had significant relationships have over you is they know that a relationship doesn't fix you. It can make you feel more broken than ever. A woman doesn't validate you. In the presence of a good woman you can feel less valid than ever.

 

The only validation you'll ever get that you can really trust is what you give yourself.

 

You. Have. To. Move. On. In your actions, your words, your mind, and your heart. Let go.

 

In case anyone doesn't agree with me, then by all means, give SD your best dating advice. As many times as you want in as many different forms as you can think of. Far be it from me to stand in the way of a winning strategy. Maybe all he needs is some encouragement.

[Lani]

Well a few questions come to mind for me then...

 

You've gotten best LS has to offer on this topic and on dating in general (countless times), and look where it has gotten you. What exactly do you expect? Do you envision a day when the perfect poster appears and writes the perfect combination of words that makes it all clear for you, spurring you into action on the path to success?

 

It won't happen, SD. Nothing will ever change for you on LS. This is it. How long do you want to keep walking the same path to nowhere? How long do you want to lead a bunch of confused, irritated strangers down it with you?

 

What would you do if the Ghost of SD Future came and showed you a life where there were no yoga pants hanging in the closet? What if you found out now that there will never be a Mrs. SD? Would you choose to die? Is that all the value your life has to you?

 

You don't take the advice you're given here, because you know it would just be an act. You can only be yourself. You weren't born a lady killer. You weren't born tall. You can't change those things. The college girls don't dig you. You can't change that.

 

They. Never. Will. Never. Ever.

 

Whether there will ever be a woman in your life in any enduring significant way, I can't say. But I can say that you'd better not count on it. You'd better figure out what else in the world will make life worth living.

 

That's what everyone has to do. Even the lady killers. The only advantage people who have had significant relationships have over you is they know that a relationship doesn't fix you. It can make you feel more broken than ever. A woman doesn't validate you. In the presence of a good woman you can feel less valid than ever.

 

The only validation you'll ever get that you can really trust is what you give yourself.

 

You. Have. To. Move. On. In your actions, your words, your mind, and your heart. Let go.

 

In case anyone doesn't agree with me, then by all means, give SD your best dating advice. As many times as you want in as many different forms as you can think of. Far be it from me to stand in the way of a winning strategy. Maybe all he needs is some encouragement.

 

Excellent post Johan.

[organizedchaos]

Well a few questions come to mind for me then...

 

You've gotten best LS has to offer on this topic and on dating in general (countless times), and look where it has gotten you. What exactly do you expect? Do you envision a day when the perfect poster appears and writes the perfect combination of words that makes it all clear for you, spurring you into action on the path to success?

 

It won't happen, SD. Nothing will ever change for you on LS. This is it. How long do you want to keep walking the same path to nowhere? How long do you want to lead a bunch of confused, irritated strangers down it with you?

 

What would you do if the Ghost of SD Future came and showed you a life where there were no yoga pants hanging in the closet? What if you found out now that there will never be a Mrs. SD? Would you choose to die? Is that all the value your life has to you?

 

You don't take the advice you're given here, because you know it would just be an act. You can only be yourself. You weren't born a lady killer. You weren't born tall. You can't change those things. The college girls don't dig you. You can't change that.

 

They. Never. Will. Never. Ever.

 

Whether there will ever be a woman in your life in any enduring significant way, I can't say. But I can say that you'd better not count on it. You'd better figure out what else in the world will make life worth living.

 

That's what everyone has to do. Even the lady killers. The only advantage people who have had significant relationships have over you is they know that a relationship doesn't fix you. It can make you feel more broken than ever. A woman doesn't validate you. In the presence of a good woman you can feel less valid than ever.

 

The only validation you'll ever get that you can really trust is what you give yourself.

 

You. Have. To. Move. On. In your actions, your words, your mind, and your heart. Let go.

 

In case anyone doesn't agree with me, then by all means, give SD your best dating advice. As many times as you want in as many different forms as you can think of. Far be it from me to stand in the way of a winning strategy. Maybe all he needs is some encouragement.

 

Virtually slow clapping right now.