What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[GemmaUK]

Why would you decide to start chasing after busy girl again when she has said she isn't interested?

I thought you said you would respect a woman's boundaries and wishes?

 

I agree with another poster in that your main interest is sex and lunch girl is probably into waiting for sex until after marriage so much as this might be frustrating you gotta respect that.

 

 

 

Go see if you can find a documentary called Body Talk - Episode 2 - Sex on Youtube with Peter Collett it might give you a heads up into social cues in dating etc.

[somedude81]

Why would you decide to start chasing after busy girl again when she has said she isn't interested?

I thought you said you would respect a woman's boundaries and wishes?

 

Just because she wasn't interested in me then, doesn't mean it will always be that way.

 

I moved too fast with her in the past and I didn't present myself as an attractive prospect. I showed my hand too quickly. Since then I've pulled back on the dating thing and I'm just having fun and flirting with her. I was teasing her a lot last night and it was so great seeing her reactions. That's something I haven't done before.

 

Something could change down the line and I'm not going to walk away now.

 

I agree with another poster in that your main interest is sex and lunch girl is probably into waiting for sex until after marriage so much as this might be frustrating you gotta respect that.

 

My main interest is absolutely not sex. But sex is a huge part of relationships. That's how it is for the majority of people; male and female. I am willing to wait for sex longer than the average man will, but I'm absolutely not going to wait until marriage.

 

Despite what many here seem to think. I do see women as people and I'm not just looking for sex. If I was, I wouldn't have made this thread and I'd be asking how to pick up girls in bars and using Tinder.

 

Go see if you can find a documentary called Body Talk - Episode 2 - Sex on Youtube with Peter Collett it might give you a heads up into social cues in dating etc.

 

Thanks for the link. I'll watch it while having lunch.

[GemmaUK]

Why do you guys make it so hard to have an actual discussion?

 

 

 

 

OK, I will rewind.

What is it that you want to discuss now?

Are you considering changing your religion?

Or are you now back to seeing busy girl as a real possibility?

 

 

People are attempting to let you know it's time to move on.

Was there anyone else at the dance you were interested in?

[ColdEggNog]

Ya know, I'm actually proud of SD for taking the initiative to ask Lunch Girl to do something even if it was Denny's, then realizing her values are inconsistent with his. He asked her to do something, and he learned something new from experience. I think this is a huge step forward from the statement he made the other day "I would change just so I become the guy she would be interested in dating." Just as long as he doesn't go trying to change her values, which I hope he wouldn't try, it has shown that he does understand, somewhat, that there are compatibility requirements necessary for a relationship. Understanding expectations for religion/sex are imperative in a relationship, and if you're not willing to wait before marriage, then I can respect that. Just stay true to who you are and always respect her own values.

 

With that said, about Busy Girl:

 

Just because she wasn't interested in me then, doesn't mean it will always be that way.

 

Religion is just one set of values/beliefs that define a person and whether or not he/she would be compatible with another person. That is a big one, but there are so many more to consider as well. Things such as income, political views, current position in life, age, race, personality, similar hobbies, etc. Note that some of things you have direct control over (I won't go into those, but based on other responses you should know what those are). Some, such as your age and your race, you have no control over (unless you pull a Michael Jackson, but let's not go there). You've used OKCupid before, right? They use an algorithm based on your responses to questions to determine your "match percentage" with somebody else-- there are hundreds of different questions you can answer. Some examples, ripped right off the website:

 

• Do you enjoy crude humor, dirty jokes, and the like?
  
• If your partner had a foot fetish, would you include it in your sex life?
  
• Do you make any special efforts to support small, independent businesses instead of the big chains?
  
• After dating someone for a while, you finally get to see where they live. He/she leaves you alone to go take a quick shower. Would you snoop?
  
• STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to...
  
• Suppose you have an attractive cousin, and the cousin is also attracted to you. Suppose both you and your cousin are adults. Would you have non-procreative sex with your cousin?
  

 

That's a short, random list of just some of the things that could be taken into consideration. Some will be bigger dealbreakers than others for different people. Values can be as huge as religion or politics, but your habits, your motivation/direction in life, your willingness to cater to a strange fetish, etc. all also weigh in.

 

With that said, based on your initial reactions, she may have dismissed you because she already decided that you didn't meet the criteria for some of her other values. You can study up chemistry all you want and learn how to flirt, read body language, go to the gym and get ripped, etc. but women have a knack for following their feelings and their brains more than following their sex drive. You can impress busy girl with your newfound flirting and sense of humor, but that will almost certainly not be enough if she has already figured out you're not a match based on something else. As already said, you cannot know what her values are, not all of them; all you can do is continue to mold your own values, work on your body language and flirting, and hope that down the road you'll find somebody you click with.

 

So back to your quote. While you are technically correct that she 'could' change your mind, it's so much more likely that this is going to end in even more heartbreak.

 

And I'm hoping that this isn't the takeaway from this post: So you're telling me There's a chance? - Dumb and Dumber - So Youre Telling Me Theres A Chance - quickmeme

[Anela]

Why do you guys make it so hard to have an actual discussion?

 

A discussion about someone who has made it clear that she only wanted friendship? You make discussion difficult, by telling just about everyone that they're wrong.

[Teknoe]

Why do you guys make it so hard to have an actual discussion?

 

 

Oh, the irony of that statement.

 

 

But just yesterday you said you'd be willing to learn ballet. You're constantly wanting to change yourself if it will get you a girl.

 

I'd take God over ballet. Sounds like another case of avoidance to me.

 

It is avoidance. SD said back in 2010 or 2011, after I suggested seeking out a small group to build a support system around him, that he would never "attend church or a small group unless it involves a cute girl."

 

Now, 3-4 years later, the very scenario arises, and he is avoiding stepping outside his comfort zone.

 

At this point, nothing shocks me anymore. All evidence points to a guy who has, historically, been all talk and no walk. Just wants a magical GF to fall into his lap (literally...) and she loves him just the way he is.

 

Got lucky once with his ex, but we all saw all temporary that was before she dumped him. I doubt he will get lucky like that again. Not trying to hate, but that is reality.

[xxoo]

With that said, based on your initial reactions, she may have dismissed you because she already decided that you didn't meet the criteria for some of her other values. You can study up chemistry all you want and learn how to flirt, read body language, go to the gym and get ripped, etc. but women have a knack for following their feelings and their brains more than following their sex drive. You can impress busy girl with your newfound flirting and sense of humor, but that will almost certainly not be enough if she has already figured out you're not a match based on something else. As already said, you cannot know what her values are, not all of them; all you can do is continue to mold your own values, work on your body language and flirting, and hope that down the road you'll find somebody you click with.

 

Exactly. Just like the Christianity conversation with Lunch Girl made it very obvious to you that you are not compatible, small comments (that you would never think twice about) can tell women that they are not compatible with you. Extreme chemistry can be blinding, and lead to something anyway. But short of that, it's pretty clear cut. She's not interested.

[somedude81]

Ya know, I'm actually proud of SD for taking the initiative to ask Lunch Girl to do something even if it was Denny's, then realizing her values are inconsistent with his. He asked her to do something, and he learned something new from experience. I think this is a huge step forward from the statement he made the other day "I would change just so I become the guy she would be interested in dating." Just as long as he doesn't go trying to change her values, which I hope he wouldn't try, it has shown that he does understand, somewhat, that there are compatibility requirements necessary for a relationship. Understanding expectations for religion/sex are imperative in a relationship, and if you're not willing to wait before marriage, then I can respect that. Just stay true to who you are and always respect her own values.

 

Thank you.

 

All I wanted from my post last night was some recognition.

 

I'm putting in work and learning more about myself in the process.

 

What I'm doing isn't easy for me.

 

With that said, about Busy Girl:

 

So back to your quote. While you are technically correct that she 'could' change your mind, it's so much more likely that this is going to end in even more heartbreak.

 

It's pretty much down to a list ditch effort with her. I know I have almost no chance with her.

 

Even though, I don't want to walk away right now. Especially when I realized that Lunch girl is not the one for me. Most likely something will happen in the near future that will make it clear to me that Busy girl isn't it either.

[ColdEggNog]

Even though, I don't want to walk away right now. Especially when I realized that Lunch girl is not the one for me. Most likely something will happen in the near future that will make it clear to me that Busy girl isn't it either.

 

You already acknowledged that your odds with her are slim-to-none at this point; why can't you walk away? Remember that compatibility goes two ways. We're assuming that Busy Girl has already decided you're not the one (a good assumption, considering she has stated it bluntly already), so using any more energy on her will be futile.

 

You've already decided not to pursue Lunch Girl anymore because her values don't match yours... with Busy Girl, you're on the other side of that unrecipricated compatibility. In both cases, there's a mismatch that would make dating impossible. Can't you direct that energy elsewhere then?

 

Somebody asked earlier if you met any other girls at the dance last night but I don't think I saw an answer... did you? Anybody that seems worth pursuing? What about the other girl that is in your math and dance class, how's she doing? Even without Lunch Girl, by no means are you at a dead end.

 

I'm just trying to open up new venues for discussion here as compatibility and chemistry are very interrelated.

 

Unrelated: can I make a motion to change Lunch Girl's alias to Denny's Girl?

[somedude81]

You already acknowledged that your odds with her are slim-to-none at this point; why can't you walk away? Remember that compatibility goes two ways. We're assuming that Busy Girl has already decided you're not the one (a good assumption, considering she has stated it bluntly already), so using any more energy on her will be futile.

 

You've already decided not to pursue Lunch Girl anymore because her values don't match yours... with Busy Girl, you're on the other side of that unrecipricated compatibility. In both cases, there's a mismatch that would make dating impossible. Can't you direct that energy elsewhere then?

 

We haven't had any discussions where she could decide that our values don't match unless it was what xxoo mentioned as being through small comments that I would never think twice about.

 

What I'm trying to say is that Busy Girl has built an incomplete assessment of me. Back then I was nervous around her, not relaxed and most likely trying to hard. That was the complete wrong approach. I'm backing off, and trying to be much more natural, friendly and flirty with her. To show her who I really am.

 

And no, there is nobody left to direct the energy towards.

 

Somebody asked earlier if you met any other girls at the dance last night but I don't think I saw an answer... did you? Anybody that seems worth pursuing? What about the other girl that is in your math and dance class, how's she doing? Even without Lunch Girl, by no means are you at a dead end.

 

There was nobody else at the dance I was interested in besides Lunch Girl and Busy girl. A part of that is was that I ended up spending 75% of the dance with Lunch Girl and the rest of the time with Busy Girl. Lunch Girl seemed really attached to me.

 

The other girl is just a friend and I have no real interest in her for a couple of reasons. First at 19 she is definitely too young for me and I know that she doesn't want to date anybody older than 25. She doesn't know how old I am but I'm not going to try and mislead her. Second she's 5'8 and is adamant about not dating any guy who is not taller than her. So 33 years old, 5'5 me is definitely not a match for her.

 

I'm just trying to open up new venues for discussion here as compatibility and chemistry are very interrelated.

 

Thank you for that.

 

I'll try to find other ways to keep the discussion going.

 

Unrelated: can I make a motion to change Lunch Girl's alias to Denny's Girl?

 

The Chair recognizes the intent behind the motion but it is denied. Lunch Girl is no longer an option and her alias shall be kept for archival purposes.

 

[somedude81]

Surely you mean Massive Breasts Girl?

 

Ha ha ha

 

I have been very careful not to mention her breasts in previous postings. This girl is not fat at all and I'm guessing she is an E or an F cup. She also has no problem with squeezing her breasts against me. But that's probably because they are so big she just can't help it.

 

Busy girl is no slouch in the breast department either. I'm guessing she's 5'1, 115 lbs and a 34 D, maybe DD. Also when I write Busy girl, I often make a typo and write Busty girl, which I have to correct. Her body is fantastic. She is a ballet girl like my ex, and has the amazing calves to match.

 

Just to make things clear, I would be interested in both girls regardless of their breast size. Though the fact that both of them are busty significantly increases my attraction to them.

[sillyanswer]

Also when I write Busy girl, I often make a typo and write Busty girl, which I have to correct.

 

No, leave it. Busty girl and Massive Breasts girl.

[Million.to.1]

Just to make things clear, I would be interested in both girls regardless of their breast size. Though the fact that both of them are busty significantly increases my attraction to them.

 

I'm sure they would both be thrilled to hear that news.

[xxoo]

She also has no problem with squeezing her breasts against me. But that's probably because they are so big she just can't help it.

 

They are part of her body. She is forced to press them against every man, woman, and child that she hugs or dances with.

[somedude81]

They are part of her body. She is forced to press them against every man, woman, and child that she hugs or dances with.

 

That's what I figured.

 

But she often stands and sits very close to me where her body is against mine, and her breasts amplify that. Needless to say, she is very comfortable with me.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But Busty Girl is NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. Remember when you didn't like that girl who you think has an ugly face? Do you think you need to get a more complete assessment of her? No! You know right away it's a "no." If I meet a guy and it's a big NO, it's never going to change! Just a friendly reminder, you promised to respect her boundaries, now stick to it!

[heartshaped]

My best male friend's romantic life mirrors yours almost eerily so. He's in his early thirties, only has had one girlfriend who he lost his virginity to, and has only been on a handful of dates outside of that one girlfriend. However, unlike you he is incredibly successful and confident. He has tons of hobbies, an extensive social group, keeps in excellent shape, and is in the top ten percent of earners in the United States.

 

His problem? He goes after incredibly beautiful, young women and he, objectively speaking, is not physically attractive. He also refuses to use his money and influence to land a woman. Much like you, overweight women have come on to him, but he refuses to date them and even refuses to date women his own age (too old he says).

 

The two of you should have a drink sometime, I swear.

 

On the other hand, I have a male friend who lives with his grandmother at the age of twenty-five, has no job, no ambitions, no education to speak of, and no prospects and is not even that attractive in my book (though others may find him attractive I assure you he's no model at 5'6 150lbs and wearing glasses) and lands women like it's shooting fish in a barrel. If I hadn't met these women myself I would believe they were fictional.

 

Recently, I was also asked out on a date by a twenty-nine year old who pretty much lives off his trust fund in his parents' home and plays video games all day. No interests, no hobbies, no employment, etc. Now, I wouldn't date him, but he had only recently just got out of a relationship and is known to always have some pretty young thing on his arm so obviously there are women that don't care about things like hobbies, career, etc.

 

I could list examples like these for days.

 

I'm saying all this to say you could be a millionaire with a plethora of hobbies and a large social circle and that wouldn't fix whatever is wrong in your approach with women. It is something wrong with your approach because you are the common denominator here.

 

Maybe you're unattractive, maybe you're weird, maybe you sound like Mickey Mouse when you talk, maybe you have an odd smell, maybe you're awkward, maybe you're annoying, maybe you friendzone yourself with every woman you meet...really it could be any of a million of things, but whatever it is, it's not something that can be identified via the internet.

 

You're always looking for what you need to do right when in reality you need to be looking at what you already do wrong. Which again, is not something a forum full of people who have never laid eyes on you in real life can tell you.

 

Until you can put a finger on what it is that's causing your massive unsuccess with women, I would focus on bettering yourself in other facets of your life. Getting your diploma, building a career, etc. not in order to get women, but in order to be so fulfilled by life that whether you have a girlfriend or not is not a concern.

 

Just thought I'd take a shot in the dark my friend. As always, I wish you well.

Edited November 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory remarks

[organizedchaos]

Good post heartshaped. This is why having male friends who could help him in real life would also probably go a very long way in getting him to where he wants to be. I offered to drive down just to hang out and talk months ago. Maybe seeing how he holds a conversation in person would help identify things he can't possibly see on his own.

[somedude81]

My best male friend's romantic life mirrors yours almost eerily so. He's in his early thirties, only has had one girlfriend who he lost his virginity to, and has only been on a handful of dates outside of that one girlfriend. However, unlike you he is incredibly successful and confident. He has tons of hobbies, an extensive social group, keeps in excellent shape, and is in the top ten percent of earners in the United States.

 

His problem? He goes after incredibly beautiful, young women and he, objectively speaking, is not physically attractive. He also refuses to use his money and influence to land a woman. Much like you, overweight women have come on to him, but he refuses to date them and even refuses to date women his own age (too old he says).

 

Interesting. Pretty much goes against the notion that all one needs to do to attract women is be successful and have tons of hobbies and friends.

 

That's what I've been saying the whole time. If one doesn't know how to attract women with their words and actions, nothing else matters. Even worse is if something about him turns women off.

 

BTW, I don't refuse to date women my age. Though I'm not going to go out of my way to pursue them.

 

Also the women I don't pursue incredibly beautiful women. I just like girls that are cute and not obese.

 

On the other hand, I have a male friend who lives with his grandmother at the age of twenty-five, has no job, no ambitions, no education to speak of, and no prospects and is not even that attractive in my book (though others may find him attractive I assure you he's no model at 5'6 150lbs and wearing glasses) and lands women like it's shooting fish in a barrel. If I hadn't met these women myself I would believe they were fictional.

 

Who do you think he dates women so easily? What is it about him that makes them interested in him. By everything the people on this forum have said, this guy should have zero success with women.

 

 

I'm saying all this to say you could be a millionaire with a plethora of hobbies and a large social circle and that wouldn't fix whatever is wrong in your approach with women. It is something wrong with your approach because you are the common denominator here.

 

Exactly.

 

Maybe you're unattractive, maybe you're weird, maybe you sound like Mickey Mouse when you talk, maybe you have an odd smell, maybe you're awkward, maybe you're annoying, maybe you friendzone yourself with every woman you meet...really it could be any of a million of things, but whatever it is, it's not something that can be identified via the internet.

 

Well, some things can be easily identified via the internet. That's especially the case the case when a guy has major serious issues. Unfortunately that isn't really the case, despite what some individuals think of me here...

 

You're always looking for what you need to do right when in reality you need to be looking at what you already do wrong. Which again, is not something a forum full of people who have never laid eyes on you in real life can tell you.

 

The problem with women is that there are 1,000+ ways to fail. I figure one thing out that I shouldn't try again, then I find another and so on. I just wish I knew what actually works. The process of trial and error could last my entire life and I could never actually find a solution.

 

Until you can put a finger on what it is that's causing your massive unsuccess with women, I would focus on bettering yourself in other facets of your life. Getting your diploma, building a career, etc. not in order to get women, but in order to be so fulfilled by life that whether you have a girlfriend or not is not a concern.

 

And I don't know if I would ever reach that point where having a woman in my life is not a concern. Every single one of us on this forum wants to be in a happy relationship, either now or when they first came here. Or else they would have never joined this forum. Nobody here wants to be alone for the rest of their life. I don't really think it's possible to be so fulfilled by hobbies and career that one doesn't care if they have a partner or not.

 

 

Just thought I'd take a shot in the dark my friend. As always, I wish you well.

 

 

Thanks

[somedude81]

Good post heartshaped. This is why having male friends who could help him in real life would also probably go a very long way in getting him to where he wants to be. I offered to drive down just to hang out and talk months ago. Maybe seeing how he holds a conversation in person would help identify things he can't possibly see on his own.

 

You've been pretty rude in some of your posts to me and I have no desire to meet up. That's just how it is.

[organizedchaos]

You've been pretty rude in some of your posts to me and I have no desire to meet up. That's just how it is.

 

Only due to your stubbornness and lack of desire to take any advice from people more experienced than you. Then seeing you repeat the same mistakes and watch you post again and again on why nothing is working doing it your way. So yeah, people get frustrated with you. Me included. Continue refusing help from people whether virtual or in person. If history is any inictator, nothing will ever change for you. That's just how it is.

[thefooloftheyear]

You've been pretty rude in some of your posts to me and I have no desire to meet up. That's just how it is.

 

 

People who are just not blowing smoke or not telling you what you want to hear -even if its terse...arent being rude...Most men can handle that without getting their panties wadded..

 

And maybe actually make a change for the better..

 

 

TFY

[Teknoe]

You've been pretty rude in some of your posts to me and I have no desire to meet up. That's just how it is.

 

Organized, don't be offended. I recall a few years back a female poster offered SD to meet up with one of her girl friends, someone who was young and in the business of helping hurting people. She only offered because SD had posted "What I absolutely need right now is someone to talk to about this."

 

She offered professional FREE help, and guess what, he said no thanks. Another classic case of avoidance and spewing smoke.

 

 

I figure one thing out that I shouldn't try again, then I find another and so on

 

More like you keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. You aren't rectifying your mistakes in any manner.

 

 

I just wish I knew what actually works.

 

Nothing is ever guaranteed to work. All we know is whatever you've been doing and who you are as a person has not worked for 20 years. So why not change it up?

 

We also know certain universal baselines that, while they don't guarantee us a partner, certainly places us in a better position to attract a partner.

 

But keep avoiding self-improvement and keep doing your thing because clearly it's what you desire deep down.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for the link. I'll watch it while having lunch.

Did you find it OK?

If not let me know and I will mail it to you. It's a very good show and explains a lot about attraction, flirting and signs when someone is not interested also.

 

 

Just because she wasn't interested in me then, doesn't mean it will always be that way.

 

I moved too fast with her in the past and I didn't present myself as an attractive prospect. I showed my hand too quickly. Since then I've pulled back on the dating thing and I'm just having fun and flirting with her. I was teasing her a lot last night and it was so great seeing her reactions. That's something I haven't done before.

 

Something could change down the line and I'm not going to walk away now.

 

 

We haven't had any discussions where she could decide that our values don't match unless it was what xxoo mentioned as being through small comments that I would never think twice about.

 

What I'm trying to say is that Busy Girl has built an incomplete assessment of me. Back then I was nervous around her, not relaxed and most likely trying to hard. That was the complete wrong approach. I'm backing off, and trying to be much more natural, friendly and flirty with her. To show her who I really am.

 

 

Reading these it's really time to step back and look at what has happened. The impression we make on people is so crucial SD.

So far she has told you twice in different ways that she is not going to date you.

The first time she said she was too busy to date, the second time she said she didn't see you in that way and only thinks of you as a friend.

This was after you had sent her an angry text.

 

 

Busy girl's instincts have already kicked in and she will not date you because of that and for her it has finalised things.

 

 

Right when you first met her it could have also been that final back then if she did not find you physically attractive in any way.

My number one reason that I won't date someone is if I don't find them attractive

There are all kinds of reasons why a person doesn't want to date a person beyond that and those reasons will differ for every single individual man or woman.

 

 

You later said you want to find out 'what works'.

Nothing will work for every individual. There is no magic formula.

Being the best person you can be is one way to be more of a man who women are interested in. Being a hard worker, having hobbies, friends, dressing well, grooming all show pride in oneself and this is contagious - other people will suss that you have pride in yourself and want to know why.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't think anybody ever said that "all" you have to do is have hobbies and stuff to get a girlfriend! It's good advice though. Being an interesting well rounded guy is all good. Can I ask you why you are against that so strongly? I can't understand that.