What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[GemmaUK]

I was a late bloomer.

First time I ever kissed someone I was 17.

 

 

I am now 45, slim, petite, friendly, hate drama and am easy going. I am discovering that easy going is not a good quality.

 

 

Male friends I know (their ages range from 20's to 70's) ask me why on earth I am single because I am 'lovely' (apparently). Those who I have dated and been in relationships with said I was lovely too.

 

 

I think someone stuck a 'avoid' sticker on my back and I can't get the darn thing off! Lol!

 

 

Finding someone new is not easy. Men don't flirt with me nor approach so SD, you are having way more fun than I am...and probably more fun than a lot of women your age.

In a way you're lucky as you can improve yourself as a man in general.

Me. I can't do that much more than I am.

I 'be' feminine, cute and nice...with big boobs! Lol!

 

 

After a while I get to thinking ugh!

Many of us have the same problems.

We just tune in quicker as to why and we work on it.

[GemmaUK]

Exactly - I can probably count no more than a couple female friends who've probably ever entertained the idea of dating me. Now that I'm a lot more grown and a bit more selective, I probably would not date most of them either (and that's not even just to do with looks).

 

Sexual attraction sometimes becomes more refined as you start to understand yourself and what turns you on (and off). Hence why we have types. I have a few types, but generally I have one strong preference, and in some way or another every single girl I've dated/been with intimately has been a near fit for that strong preference. That encompasses more than looks to a degree also.

 

Like I've been saying a lot, I won't be everyone's cuppa. I know that some of you like to diminish that by pointing to interest but that's not just a product of being tall and looking half-decent - that's from the times I actually went out there and had a life too and built up a character. It's become more refined too. I understand the concept of "chemistry" now, having experienced it in doses. I understand what makes myself tick, and ergo, what makes her tick too. That's from meeting more people and actually having more to talk about and more ways to talk too (non-verbally etc).

 

It's innate, it's illogical, it just is what it is. And I didn't even learn this stuff in college - remember I was late too!

 

Personal question...how old are you Whooligan?

I'm curious. I guess you are in your late 30's/40's by your posts - the maturity of.

However, it is your prerogative and you can simply ignore my question.

[ThaWholigan]

Personal question...how old are you Whooligan?

I'm curious. I guess you are in your late 30's/40's by your posts - the maturity of.

However, it is your prerogative and you can simply ignore my question.

26

 

......

[organizedchaos]

Unfortunately you're most likely correct. That's so frustrating. The more I get to know her the more perfect for me she seems to be.

 

"for me" is key here. Not necessarily for her.

 

I wonder if there is anything at all that can make her more interested in me.

 

No. She either is or isn't. And she told you she isn't.

 

Why is this so one sided when we have many things in common and get along great?

 

I dunno, because everyone has free will? And is free to decide who they are attracted to and who they are not?

 

Let me guess, the answer is, Chemistry?

 

And physical attraction.

[GemmaUK]

26

 

......

 

 

 

I can' swear! Lol!

 

 

Man! 26? Seriously? Gaaaah!

 

 

 

 

 

 

You impress me, you are 19 years younger than myself, have learned so much about yourself and appear to be continuing to learn.

Next time I start dating a guy my age I am going to put him in touch with you for coaching....(send me a price list)

[thefooloftheyear]

I can' swear! Lol!

 

 

Man! 26? Seriously? Gaaaah!

 

 

 

 

 

 

You impress me, you are 19 years younger than myself, have learned so much about yourself and appear to be continuing to learn.

Next time I start dating a guy my age I am going to put him in touch with you for coaching....(send me a price list)

 

Go for it, girl!!!

 

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Well, hey ladies...Dont be so quick to throw around the creepy label...

 

Here you go...80 year old convicted mass murderer gets his marriage license to this pretty attractive 26 year old...There has to be some hope!!

 

AP Exclusive: Charles Manson gets marriage license

 

TFY

[ColdEggNog]

Why is this so one sided when we have many things in common and get along great?

 

Let me guess, the answer is, Chemistry?

 

Yes.

 

As somebody pointed out, you have another friend you suspect is interested in you but you say she's 'ugly.' Fine, can't fault you for not being attracted to her. Would you date her if you found she was into all of the same things as you were? Perhaps not only liked to dance, but also liked video games and exotic cats as a couple examples? Would you date her? Think about it for a minute. Maybe 10 minutes, or maybe a couple hours.

 

No matter how long you think about it, you're not going to suddenly become attracted to her. That's the difference between a friend and a potential partner. One is somebody you wouldn't imagine yourself sleeping with, and the other is somebody you can't stop thinking about because, well, you feel the chemistry's there.

 

It's what I said several pages back. Chemistry consists of many intangible aspects, some of which are values and interests, and others are more tangible such as appearance, etc. As you said, she's attractive so she probably can afford to be pretty selective with guys. There are plenty of guys I'm sure she finds attractve, and of course she's not going to date all of them (or any of them if she doesn't want to). Her criteria is more than cute, easy to get along with, hobbies, etc. And just because a guy's attractive does not mean she wants to date him; at that point it comes down to the intangibles.

 

Again: I advise you to stop considering Busy Girl as a romantic partner. Odds are very low that she has changed her mind, because she knows that even without actively looking, she will eventually find somebody that meets everything she's looking for.

 

Relevant question: after you graduate, where do you plan on being? If your location in 2015 is unknown, then is it really worth trying to start a new relationship right now? I have about two years left in my current city and I'm even skeptical about actively pursuing women right now.

[somedude81]

Yes.

 

As somebody pointed out, you have another friend you suspect is interested in you but you say she's 'ugly.' Fine, can't fault you for not being attracted to her. Would you date her if you found she was into all of the same things as you were? Perhaps not only liked to dance, but also liked video games and exotic cats as a couple examples? Would you date her? Think about it for a minute. Maybe 10 minutes, or maybe a couple hours.

 

But I'm not ugly.

 

I seriously doubt that if I asked Busy Girl a question about my appearance, and she gave me an honest answer, that she would say anything negative. Heck I doubt she would say anything negative at all, and honestly mean it.

 

Also I want to point out that it is extremely rare that I think a girl is unattractive without being obese. If that girl had at least a normal face I would have asked her out long ago.

 

Here's the difference:

 

That girl turns me off.

I really doubt that anything about me turns Busy Girl off. But I don't turn her on.

 

I hope I'm making some sense.

 

No matter how long you think about it, you're not going to suddenly become attracted to her. That's the difference between a friend and a potential partner. One is somebody you wouldn't imagine yourself sleeping with, and the other is somebody you can't stop thinking about because, well, you feel the chemistry's there.

 

I have had female friends that I started with zero interest in them at all, and that changed into a full blown infatuation. The key is that at the beginning I thought that they were at least decent looking even if they were completely not my type.

 

I don't know why that can't happen with Busy Girl.

 

It's what I said several pages back. Chemistry consists of many intangible aspects, some of which are values and interests, and others are more tangible such as appearance, etc. As you said, she's attractive so she probably can afford to be pretty selective with guys. There are plenty of guys I'm sure she finds attractve, and of course she's not going to date all of them (or any of them if she doesn't want to). Her criteria is more than cute, easy to get along with, hobbies, etc. And just because a guy's attractive does not mean she wants to date him; at that point it comes down to the intangibles.

 

Yes I know that. It's also a concept that I've posted many times about. Usually I say something that women have a ridiculous list of requirements that most basic men can't meet. Everybody jumps on my back saying I'm wrong. But look here, this is exactly the case with Busy Girl.

 

Again: I advise you to stop considering Busy Girl as a romantic partner. Odds are very low that she has changed her mind, because she knows that even without actively looking, she will eventually find somebody that meets everything she's looking for.

 

I know that the odds with her are very low. But guess what. The odds of me ever getting a girl I want are very low. So if I have a one in a million chance of getting a girl, I might as well focus on a girl I really like.

 

Relevant question: after you graduate, where do you plan on being? If your location in 2015 is unknown, then is it really worth trying to start a new relationship right now? I have about two years left in my current city and I'm even skeptical about actively pursuing women right now.

 

I'll probably stay in the general area for at least the start so I don't have to move and get a new apartment and all that stuff.

[GemmaUK]

Well, hey ladies...Dont be so quick to throw around the creepy label...

 

Here you go...80 year old convicted mass murderer gets his marriage license to this pretty attractive 26 year old...There has to be some hope!!

 

AP Exclusive: Charles Manson gets marriage license

 

TFY

 

 

 

I love that you posted this right after your post to me... hahahaha!

 

 

Mr Who is 19 years younger and I have a whole heap of respect for that man he talks sense.

Give the poor guy a break!

Tis all I am saying.

[xxoo]

But I'm not ugly.

 

I seriously doubt that if I asked Busy Girl a question about my appearance, and she gave me an honest answer, that she would say anything negative. Heck I doubt she would say anything negative at all, and honestly mean it.

 

Also I want to point out that it is extremely rare that I think a girl is unattractive without being obese. If that girl had at least a normal face I would have asked her out long ago.

 

Here's the difference:

 

That girl turns me off.

I really doubt that anything about me turns Busy Girl off. But I don't turn her on.

 

I hope I'm making some sense.

 

You can't compare your attraction to women to a woman's attraction to men. It's worlds different.

 

She likely doesn't have a long list of ridiculous requirements. She likely has a few attraction triggers, and most men simply don't trigger. Some do, for different reasons. A few will in a huge way, and not necessarily the ones you'd guess. And her triggers may be different from the next woman. And these triggers can be intangibles, like personality traits.

 

Being "not ugly" is hardly going to get her loins on fire.

[somedude81]

I was a late bloomer.

First time I ever kissed someone I was 17.

 

Getting your first kiss at 17 is a late bloomer?

 

I got my first kiss at 22 It wasn't until 10 years later that I kissed my second girl.

 

 

I am now 45, slim, petite, friendly, hate drama and am easy going. I am discovering that easy going is not a good quality.

 

Who says easy going is not a good quality? I'll pass on the drama thanks.

 

Male friends I know (their ages range from 20's to 70's) ask me why on earth I am single because I am 'lovely' (apparently). Those who I have dated and been in relationships with said I was lovely too.

 

I think someone stuck a 'avoid' sticker on my back and I can't get the darn thing off! Lol!

 

You should ask one of your friends to remove the sticker. Just pray it's not a tattoo

 

Finding someone new is not easy. Men don't flirt with me nor approach so SD, you are having way more fun than I am...and probably more fun than a lot of women your age.

 

Eh, I'd be having more fun if I didn't care so much about the result. Even then I doubt I'm having more fun than a woman my age. One thing for sure is that girls in college are having a hell of a lot more fun than I am. It must be such an ego boost to constantly have guys trying to get to know you. I would love to have that power.

 

In a way you're lucky as you can improve yourself as a man in general.

Me. I can't do that much more than I am.

I 'be' feminine, cute and nice...with big boobs! Lol!

 

Of course a woman can improve. Try to look your best. And then make sure your personality isn't rude. Talk to guys and be interested in them. Dating as a woman is easy.

 

After a while I get to thinking ugh!

Many of us have the same problems.

We just tune in quicker as to why and we work on it.

 

I'm still trying to figure out what I can work on, and by that I mean what stuff will have an actual impact.

[ThaWholigan]

You can't compare your attraction to women to a woman's attraction to men. It's worlds different.

 

She likely doesn't have a long list of ridiculous requirements. She likely has a few attraction triggers, and most men simply don't trigger. Some do, for different reasons. A few will in a huge way, and not necessarily the ones you'd guess. And her triggers may be different from the next woman. And these triggers can be intangibles, like personality traits.

 

Being "not ugly" is hardly going to get her loins on fire.

You can barely even sync together one man's attraction to women and another man's attraction to women and vice versa with women on men.

 

And no matter how "not ugly" you think you are SD, she might still think you're ugly. There are girls that think I'm fugly as hell and I know that I'm not ugly

[ColdEggNog]

You can't compare your attraction to women to a woman's attraction to men. It's worlds different.

 

She likely doesn't have a long list of ridiculous requirements. She likely has a few attraction triggers, and most men simply don't trigger. Some do, for different reasons. A few will in a huge way, and not necessarily the ones you'd guess. And her triggers may be different from the next woman. And these triggers can be intangibles, like personality traits.

 

Being "not ugly" is hardly going to get her loins on fire.

 

She said what I was going to say. One of my good friends is dating a really good girl; great personality/sense of humor, very driven, and really cute. He's not conventionally a great looking guy and a few of my other friends are confused about what she sees in him. They have a couple common interests, but not like everything, but they really click. I don't know why. I never said you were ugly, but looks aren't the only thing that can "turn on" a girl and certainly being "not ugly" isn't necessarily enough either.

 

If the odds, in your eyes, that you ever get a girl that you want is one-in-a-million, then wouldn't it make more sense to ask out a million different girls instead of focusing on the one that isn't the winning lottery ticket?

[somedude81]

You can't compare your attraction to women to a woman's attraction to men. It's worlds different.

 

I know that. Which is why I'm having such a hard time trying to understand what is going on with her, and other women that didn't like me.

 

She likely doesn't have a long list of ridiculous requirements. She likely has a few attraction triggers, and most men simply don't trigger. Some do, for different reasons. A few will in a huge way, and not necessarily the ones you'd guess. And her triggers may be different from the next woman. And these triggers can be intangibles, like personality traits.

 

Then maybe she has one ridiculous attraction trigger. Either way one or one hundred, it really doesn't matter if most men don't meet them.

 

It's frustrating how complicated women are. Women have it so easy because men are super simple. The only time I can ever see a woman having a hard time is if she's competing directly with another woman.

 

 

Being "not ugly" is hardly going to get her loins on fire.

 

Yes, I thought I said as much...

 

People are trying to equate me with the unattractive girl.

 

I don't set Busy Girl's loins on fire.

 

Unattractive girl is pretty much icing my loins.

[ASG]

But I'm not ugly.

 

I seriously doubt that if I asked Busy Girl a question about my appearance, and she gave me an honest answer, that she would say anything negative. Heck I doubt she would say anything negative at all, and honestly mean it.

 

Also I want to point out that it is extremely rare that I think a girl is unattractive without being obese. If that girl had at least a normal face I would have asked her out long ago.

 

Here's the difference:

 

That girl turns me off.

I really doubt that anything about me turns Busy Girl off. But I don't turn her on.

 

I hope I'm making some sense.

 

 

 

I have had female friends that I started with zero interest in them at all, and that changed into a full blown infatuation. The key is that at the beginning I thought that they were at least decent looking even if they were completely not my type.

 

I don't know why that can't happen with Busy Girl.

 

 

 

Yes I know that. It's also a concept that I've posted many times about. Usually I say something that women have a ridiculous list of requirements that most basic men can't meet. Everybody jumps on my back saying I'm wrong. But look here, this is exactly the case with Busy Girl.

 

 

 

I know that the odds with her are very low. But guess what. The odds of me ever getting a girl I want are very low. So if I have a one in a million chance of getting a girl, I might as well focus on a girl I really like.

 

 

 

I'll probably stay in the general area for at least the start so I don't have to move and get a new apartment and all that stuff.

 

Honestly, you have NO idea what Busy Girl considers ugly or pretty. It VARIES from person to person.

You might not Frankenstein's monster, but that doesn't mean you don't turn her off.

Any little thing can do that. The way your eyebrows are set, or your eyes. They might be fine for someone else, but not for her. Who knows?!

 

It might be any number of things. The colour of your eyes or hair. The shape of your nose. You can't really say for sure that something about you doesn't turn her off.

 

But I wouldn't even go that far. Again with my male friends. They don't exactly turn me off. They simply do NOTHING for me. There is absolutely no attraction, on my part, and nothing would ever ever EVER happen!

 

And yes, things can change. But the way she has made it clear to you that she is not interested tells me she is very much certain of her non attraction and that not even your winning personality would change her mind.

 

I mean... one guy I casually dated for over a year... we'd known each other and worked together for a year or two before that. And I had just never thought about him that way (and neither had he). But I also had never THOUGHT about it in ANY way. Until I did, for whatever reason. So it wasn't a decision I'd made that I wouldn't date him. It just was never a thought. And then it developed, for both of us. But if I had rationally decided I was not attracted and would not date him, my mind would not have changed. Because whatever it was that made me think "I don't want to date HIM" would still be there.

Does this make any sense to you??

[somedude81]

She said what I was going to say. One of my good friends is dating a really good girl; great personality/sense of humor, very driven, and really cute. He's not conventionally a great looking guy and a few of my other friends are confused about what she sees in him. They have a couple common interests, but not like everything, but they really click. I don't know why.

 

But we do click. At least I think we do. If I didn't think we got along really well, I would have given up on her a long time ago.

 

Seriously, what are the odds that both of us are really into ballroom dancing and are considering owning exotic cat hybrids?

 

That's one in a million stuff right there.

 

I never said you were ugly, but looks aren't the only thing that can "turn on" a girl and certainly being "not ugly" isn't necessarily enough either.

 

Yes I understand that. The only point I'm trying to make is that I'm not turning her off.

 

If the odds, in your eyes, that you ever get a girl that you want is one-in-a-million, then wouldn't it make more sense to ask out a million different girls instead of focusing on the one that isn't the winning lottery ticket?

 

I've pursued many women and honestly after being with my ex. I'd rather be with a jackpot prize girl than with the $5 scratcher prize girl.

 

Eventually I'm going to have to settle for a girl that I don't think is amazing. I just hope we have a decent relationship.

[ASG]

It's frustrating how complicated women are. Women have it so easy because men are super simple. The only time I can ever see a woman having a hard time is if she's competing directly with another woman.

 

LOL You really do not know many men! They are anything BUT simple. Just because you only have ONE goal in life, and very low standards for that goal, doesn't mean all other men are the same.

[ASG]

But we do click. At least I think we do. If I didn't think we got along really well, I would have given up on her a long time ago.

 

Seriously, what are the odds that both of us are really into ballroom dancing and are considering owning exotic cat hybrids?

 

That's one in a million stuff right there.

 

 

 

Yes I understand that. The only point I'm trying to make is that I'm not turning her off.

 

 

 

I've pursued many women and honestly after being with my ex. I'd rather be with a jackpot prize girl than with the $5 scratcher prize girl.

 

Eventually I'm going to have to settle for a girl that I don't think is amazing. I just hope we have a decent relationship.

 

 

As for the bolded, you don't KNOW that. No one does apart from Busy Girl (and her close girl friends).

Apart from what your actual face looks like, many other things may turn someone off. The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you talk, some mannerism you have when you speak, the tone of your voice... I mean, the possibilities are endless.

 

I don't know if you're turning her off or not, but the point I'm trying to make is NEITHER DO YOU!

 

As for the clicking... I click with all my friends. I mean... that's why we are friends! We share common interests! Some of them not that common! I still do not want to date them. Ever.

[ColdEggNog]

But we do click. At least I think we do. If I didn't think we got along really well, I would have given up on her a long time ago.

 

Friends also get along really well and can click. That doesn't mean they have to get romantically involved. It would make sense on the surface, but unfortunately that just isn't how chemistry works.

 

 

Yes I understand that. The only point I'm trying to make is that I'm not turning her off.

 

If you weren't turning her off, then wouldn't she have accepted your previous advances?

[rester]

But I'm not ugly.

 

I seriously doubt that if I asked Busy Girl a question about my appearance, and she gave me an honest answer, that she would say anything negative. Heck I doubt she would say anything negative at all, and honestly mean it.

 

Also I want to point out that it is extremely rare that I think a girl is unattractive without being obese. If that girl had at least a normal face I would have asked her out long ago.

 

Here's the difference:

 

That girl turns me off.

I really doubt that anything about me turns Busy Girl off. But I don't turn her on.

 

I hope I'm making some sense.

 

I think you're making sense, but there are shades of gray. You don't need to be physically turned off by someone to not be attracted. If you're attracted to every girl that's not ugly and has a decent personality, why are you so fixated on Busy Girl? Is it because she's the only one that gave you any attention in your classes? What about other aspects of your life? This is again why people tell you to do things other than focus on these classes. Speed dating, meetups, social activities. There are far more women out there that you could be meeting and becoming attracted to but you seem to wait around for these classes each week.

 

 

I have had female friends that I started with zero interest in them at all, and that changed into a full blown infatuation. The key is that at the beginning I thought that they were at least decent looking even if they were completely not my type.

 

I don't know why that can't happen with Busy Girl.

 

She's already turned you down twice. You don't want to be the persistent lurker guy. She'll never respect you. It's extremely unlikely anything is going to happen with her and the amount of time and effort you will need to put into her could be better spent finding other women to get to know. The best thing for you to do with Busy Girl would be to eliminate any glimmer of hope of her becoming attracted to you whatsoever. It does not sound likely in the least. You are following her around like a puppy dog walking her out of class and texting about exotic cats. It's bordering on pathetic and she's going to pick up on it.

 

I wonder if you are so scared of getting out there and meeting new people that you focus on her and Lunch Girl so you can justify to yourself why you don't go out and do other things.

 

 

I'll probably stay in the general area for at least the start so I don't have to move and get a new apartment and all that stuff.

 

I agree that it's probably best to get a job before you move, but don't you at least have an idea in your head about where you want to go? Do you plan to remain in SoCal or relocate north to the Bay...Oregon, Washington, east coast maybe? I know a lot of people that have had to uproot and move across the country for work. The earlier you get this going the easier it will be. This is where procrastination can really kick your ass. Break the process down into baby steps and it'll be easier to get going.

[normal person]

But we do click. At least I think we do. If I didn't think we got along really well, I would have given up on her a long time ago.

 

Your definition of "clicking" is probably dramatically different from hers. For you it's probably just "not not getting along" and for her it's probably a lot more. And of course you'd give up if you didn't think you got along, but when has your own judgment ever been an accurate predictor of this stuff? A lot of things you do and think turn out to be vastly different than you perceive, why would you think this is any different?

 

 

Seriously, what are the odds that both of us are really into ballroom dancing and are considering owning exotic cat hybrids?

 

Probably pretty slim. She still doesn't like you, though. Having the same obscure interests isn't correlated with attraction. People who like the same things can dislike each other and people can fall in love with no similar interests. It's way less relevant than you think it is.

 

 

Yes I understand that. The only point I'm trying to make is that I'm not turning her off.

 

It doesn't really sound like you're turning her on either, and that's really all that matters.

[somedude81]

I wish I could be satisfied just being friends with women.

 

Life would be so much easier.

[xxoo]

Yes I understand that. The only point I'm trying to make is that I'm not turning her off.

 

You don't know that. Anythjng about your mannerisms, personality, etc could actually turn her off sexually, and she could still enjoy your platonic friendship.

[ColdEggNog]

I wish I could be satisfied just being friends with women.

 

Life would be so much easier.

 

What better time than the present to try and start?