What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[Anela]

 

 

 

Why is it creepy to want to spend time alone with somebody? We can hang out as friends without a chaperone.

 

Isn't asking for a date even more creepy and pressuring?

 

I'm getting so confused about the conflicting advice.

 

I'm confused. Is she one of the girls who told you that she only wanted to be friends, or is this someone else?

[somedude81]

I'm confused. Is she one of the girls who told you that she only wanted to be friends, or is this someone else?

 

Only one woman has told me that she just sees me as a friend. This isn't her.

[Anela]

 

 

 

Her question was valid. You keep talking about your focus on younger women, and how it's going to stay that way until you graduate.

[Anela]

Only one woman has told me that she just sees me as a friend. This isn't her.

 

Maybe she wanted to test the waters, and decided that she didn't want to go further, the other night (the way she hurried off).

[clia]

 

Why is it creepy to want to spend time alone with somebody? We can hang out as friends without a chaperone.

 

Isn't asking for a date even more creepy and pressuring?

 

I'm getting so confused about the conflicting advice.

 

What's creepy about asking her on a date? The next step is to go on a date together unless you want to friend zone yourself yet again.

[somedude81]

What's creepy about asking her on a date? The next step is to go on a date together unless you want to friend zone yourself yet again.

 

I was pointing that she thought it was creepy to want to spend time alone with her, and then saying that I should ask the girl out on a date.

 

As for asking her on a date, I'm scared of coming on too strong and then getting friendzoned like I did with the other girl.

 

Speaking of the other, I actually made some lady friends in that class and they said gave me some advice regarding busy girl. They both think that I came on too strong with her. Upon asking what I should do they had mixed opinions. One said there is nothing. The other said I should be her friend and try to get to know her better without being pushy.

[GemmaUK]

Why is it creepy to want to spend time alone with somebody? We can hang out as friends without a chaperone.

 

Isn't asking for a date even more creepy and pressuring?

 

I'm getting so confused about the conflicting advice.

 

Trying to make attempts at getting her alone is creepy - if anyone does this kind of behaviour with me and I 'feel' that is what they are doing then I will bring a friend with me.

It is possible that lunch girl has already felt that and that's why she brought her friend with her.

 

 

Asking someone on a date is straight up, honest and let's her know exactly what kind of interest you have in her.

She then has a chance to either accept or decline.

 

 

If she is just not at all interested in you romantically then no matter how much time you spend trying to get her alone or talk to her you will be in the friend zone because she doesn't want you any closer than that.

 

 

Does lunch girl go to the same classes as busy girl?

If others thought you came on too strong then it's highly possible that lunch girl either thinks you still like busy girl or might think that you are about to start coming on too strong with her as well.

 

 

I would suggest that you leave busy girl alone, you have already deliberately at your own admissions blown up her phone and had a go at her for not speaking to you one time and you already know because she has told you that she is not interested. Please respect her wishes and leave her be.

[somedude81]

Trying to make attempts at getting her alone is creepy - if anyone does this kind of behaviour with me and I 'feel' that is what they are doing then I will bring a friend with me.

It is possible that lunch girl has already felt that and that's why she brought her friend with her.

 

I have spent time alone as friends with many girls. I'm not sure why it's suddenly creepy.

 

She brought a friend to go dancing with us. Odds are if that she didn't bring a friend, it would have been a date. For most of the night it was just lunch girl and me while her friend was off doing her own thing. The night turned out far better than I ever thought it would.

 

Asking someone on a date is straight up, honest and let's her know exactly what kind of interest you have in her.

She then has a chance to either accept or decline.

 

Yeah I know that. And it's why I'm afraid of asking girls out on obvious dates. I feel that it puts too much pressure on the girl. "Tell me right now, do you like me yes or no?" 9 times out of 10 the answer will be, "Not right now." But since the answer is only yes or no, that means I'll get a no.

 

If she is just not at all interested in you romantically then no matter how much time you spend trying to get her alone or talk to her you will be in the friend zone because she doesn't want you any closer than that.

 

That's not always the case. A girl told me as such yesterday.

 

Does lunch girl go to the same classes as busy girl?

 

Nope. They are in different classes. Odds are they never met. Friday night will be the first time that they will be in the same place and I'm probably going to bounce around between them and other girls I know.

 

If others thought you came on too strong then it's highly possible that lunch girl either thinks you still like busy girl or might think that you are about to start coming on too strong with her as well.

 

The girls that think I came on two strong only said that after what I told them about busy girl. They are in the same class as her. One of them said that I should just be friends with her and get to know her better, but back off a bit and she may start to like me. I'm not going to take too much hope from that statement, but it still was still somewhat encouraging hearing that from a girl her age.

 

I would suggest that you leave busy girl alone, you have already deliberately at your own admissions blown up her phone and had a go at her for not speaking to you one time and you already know because she has told you that she is not interested. Please respect her wishes and leave her be.

 

I actually was leaving busy girl alone and had decided not to go to her class anymore, and then she invited me to go out dancing with her and a couple others from the class.

 

Basically things between us are completely back to normal, but now she has no doubt that I like her. Which still makes me feel a bit odd that she still wants to be friends with me knowing that I like her.

 

My plan for her is to keep being her friend and get to know her friends. Then I'll ask her out on a date when school is over. She will certainly have more time then. Though perhaps I'll be dating lunch girl by then, we shall see.

Edited November 11, 2014 by somedude81

[organizedchaos]

 

Yeah I know that. And it's why I'm afraid of asking girls out on obvious dates. I feel that it puts too much pressure on the girl. "Tell me right now, do you like me yes or no?" 9 times out of 10 the answer will be, "Not right now." But since the answer is only yes or no, that means I'll get a no.

 

That's not how you ask someone on a date. You must step up and ask a girl out to do something. I've told you how to do this.

 

Have a plan.

 

Say to her, "hey, I was thinking about checking out this new Thai restaurant, want to join me?"

 

She will KNOW you are asking her out. Then, keep it light and fun. Ask her to do something else. After a few times, interest builds, make your move.

 

This way, you achieve your plan of letting her get to know you, but she is spending time with you alone so she knows you are interested in more than just being friends.

[GemmaUK]

I have spent time alone as friends with many girls. I'm not sure why it's suddenly creepy.

 

 

But none of your intentions are just as friends right now are they?!

 

 

She brought a friend to go dancing with us. Odds are if that she didn't bring a friend, it would have been a date.

No. it would not have been a date, dates don't just evolve like that, it's either a date and you both know it or it's simply a night out.

 

 

Yeah I know that. And it's why I'm afraid of asking girls out on obvious dates. I feel that it puts too much pressure on the girl. "Tell me right now, do you like me yes or no?" 9 times out of 10 the answer will be, "Not right now." But since the answer is only yes or no, that means I'll get a no.

So, basically, you won't ask anyone on a date because you don't want them to say no yet you get a pretty good idea they are not interested but persist in trying to get them alone in the hope that will evolve into a date somehow.

I seriously hope these women are mind readers because it sounds like you like to make things tough!

 

 

[quote[

That's not always the case. A girl told me as such yesterday.

It is with someone who is 'not at all interested in you.' (as I posted)

 

 

Nope. They are in different classes. Odds are they never met. Friday night will be the first time that they will be in the same place and I'm probably going to bounce around between them and other girls I know.

 

 

Er...let us know how that works for you. I'll be intrigued to find out.

 

 

My plan for her is to keep being her friend and get to know her friends. Then I'll ask her out on a date when school is over. She will certainly have more time then. Though perhaps I'll be dating lunch girl by then, we shall see.

 

 

Busy girl thinks you have finally respected her wishes is all.

We shall.

[Anela]

 

My plan for her is to keep being her friend and get to know her friends. Then I'll ask her out on a date when school is over. She will certainly have more time then. Though perhaps I'll be dating lunch girl by then, we shall see.

 

She's made it clear that she doesn't want to date you. Don't ruin what could be a nice friendship, with this sort of thinking.

[clia]

I was pointing that she thought it was creepy to want to spend time alone with her, and then saying that I should ask the girl out on a date.

 

Well, I can't speak for her, but there is something about the way you put it that does come off as a little creepy. You are always talking about trying to get girls alone and wanting to spend time alone with them. I mean, obviously going on a date means you will spend time alone (albeit usually in some public place around other people), but the way you put it and focus on being alone with them makes it come across like you want to take her to some abandoned shed in the middle of nowhere or something.

 

I do not believe it's pushy to ask a girl out on a date once. There may be other things that you did or said or how you behaved that led busy girl to think you were being pushy, but I seriously doubt it was asking her out the one time. However, continuing to pursue after getting a "no" answer can easily be regarded as pushy.

 

Maybe just see how things go with lunch girl on Friday night, and if you are continuing to get positive feedback from her, then ask her out on a date. If you don't want to ask her out on a date, then what is the plan?

[Teknoe]

Well, I can't speak for her, but there is something about the way you put it that does come off as a little creepy. You are always talking about trying to get girls alone and wanting to spend time alone with them. I mean, obviously going on a date means you will spend time alone (albeit usually in some public place around other people), but the way you put it and focus on being alone with them makes it come across like you want to take her to some abandoned shed in the middle of nowhere or something.

 

 

+1. I also get a creepy vibe from everything he's been saying here. Just knowing his end goal and his tunnel vision, it makes it a bit creepy, to be frank. If he had more diverse interests, then it wouldn't be so creepy. But it's like he thinks about this stuff 24/7 and is trying to come up with some magic formula. I sure hope he is doing well enough in calculus because he sure is spending a lot of time posting and thinking about these girls.

[Teknoe]

Trying to make attempts at getting her alone is creepy - if anyone does this kind of behaviour with me and I 'feel' that is what they are doing then I will bring a friend with me.

It is possible that lunch girl has already felt that and that's why she brought her friend with her.

 

Asking someone on a date is straight up, honest and let's her know exactly what kind of interest you have in her.

She then has a chance to either accept or decline.

 

Well stated. Trying to "trick" someone into alone time so you can bond is not nearly as honorable as asking them out on a date. Do you give up a lot of the power? Obviously. But if you're confident enough, then such a thing will not deter you.

 

I think one thing SD often overlooks, or doesn't nearly give enough credit to, is that many women are looking not so much for a tall hot guy, but someone they find security and a connection in. Someone with HIGH CHARACTER basically. I was actually talking with a girl friend last night who just got in a new relationship. She said she wasn't attracted to him at first, but after dating for a while, she saw what great care he took of his parents, how highly his friends speak of him (friends... it is important whether you want to admit it or not), and his character. He volunteers twice a month at the local soup kitchen. It shows he has a heart and compassion for others, and not just cute single girls, but seniors, homeless people, people who "can't give him something tangible back in return."

 

Girls know when a guy's character is likely high, middle of the road or a little lacking.

 

SD, I think this is seriously an area you would be wise to focus more on.

 

Unfortunately, it's a little hard to fake. But you should open yourself up to doing things that involve more than just a cute single young girl. It would help develop layers for you that might make you more attractive.

[somedude81]

Well, I can't speak for her, but there is something about the way you put it that does come off as a little creepy. You are always talking about trying to get girls alone and wanting to spend time alone with them. I mean, obviously going on a date means you will spend time alone (albeit usually in some public place around other people), but the way you put it and focus on being alone with them makes it come across like you want to take her to some abandoned shed in the middle of nowhere or something.

 

Who needs an abandoned shed when I have an apartment with blacked out windows and a "no trespassing sign."

 

Is that really how people think when I say alone with somebody? That's so weird. I just want to spend time with a girl one-on-one, without her friends so we can talk.

 

Having other people around is a given, but I don't have to compete with other people for her attention. The fact that I even have to explain this is strange.

 

I do not believe it's pushy to ask a girl out on a date once. There may be other things that you did or said or how you behaved that led busy girl to think you were being pushy, but I seriously doubt it was asking her out the one time. However, continuing to pursue after getting a "no" answer can easily be regarded as pushy.

 

I still think asking somebody out on an explicit date is putting pressure on somebody. I keep getting told that hanging out is the in thing and relationships just form from that.

 

Regarding busy girl, I think I just tried to move too fast for her. So I'm backing off and focusing on friendship.

 

Maybe just see how things go with lunch girl on Friday night, and if you are continuing to get positive feedback from her, then ask her out on a date. If you don't want to ask her out on a date, then what is the plan?

 

Just to make plans to do something with her one-on-one, hang out. But I'm not going to use date. I'll just see if she's open to that and how she reacts to me.

[somedude81]

But none of your intentions are just as friends right now are they?!

 

Why does that matter?

 

I'm trying to be as open about my intentions with these girls so they know what they are getting into. If a girl knows that I'm interested in her, and she still spends time with me, that's on her. If she wasn't comfortable, all she has to do is say no.

 

So, basically, you won't ask anyone on a date because you don't want them to say no yet you get a pretty good idea they are not interested but persist in trying to get them alone in the hope that will evolve into a date somehow.

I seriously hope these women are mind readers because it sounds like you like to make things tough!

 

It's more on my end that I just assume girls will say no if I try to make things formal too fast. I don't really know how dating works for this generation. Or for mine as well.

 

It is with someone who is 'not at all interested in you.' (as I posted)

 

Which may change over time. At least she knows I like her so she can't say that I'm misleading her.

 

Er...let us know how that works for you. I'll be intrigued to find out.

 

Why would it not "work out?" I'm just going to be sociable and dance with girls. Hell maybe I'll even introduce them to each other.

 

I expect nothing to come of it.

[xxoo]

It's creepy to try to spend time as friends with a woman when your only true intention is to date her. If that is your only intention, the ask her on a date and accept the answer.

 

If you are truly ok with being friends, then make a friend. But if you are going to get all weird about it later, just don't do it.

[Anela]

Why does that matter?

 

I'm trying to be as open about my intentions with these girls so they know what they are getting into. If a girl knows that I'm interested in her, and she still spends time with me, that's on her. If she wasn't comfortable, all she has to do is say no.

 

 

She has already been open about her intentions, where you are concerned. She wanted to make sure you understood that.

[clia]

Just to make plans to do something with her one-on-one, hang out. But I'm not going to use date. I'll just see if she's open to that and how she reacts to me.

 

Yeah, I don't think you need to use the word "date," but are you going to behave like it's a date or behave like you are two friends hanging out?

 

I'm trying to be as open about my intentions with these girls so they know what they are getting into. If a girl knows that I'm interested in her, and she still spends time with me, that's on her. If she wasn't comfortable, all she has to do is say no.

 

And they are open about their intentions with you, so I guess if you keep pursuing after you've been told they just want to be friends, that's on you.

[somedude81]

Yeah, I don't think you need to use the word "date," but are you going to behave like it's a date or behave like you are two friends hanging out?

 

In all honesty, both are pretty much the same to me. The first couple of dates are pretty much two friends hanging out having fun. It's not till I kiss a girl does the dynamic change.

 

And they are open about their intentions with you, so I guess if you keep pursuing after you've been told they just want to be friends, that's on you.

 

Fair enough.

 

Though I go in with the mind set that she may start to like me over time. I wonder if she has the mind set that I will stop liking her?

[clia]

In all honesty, both are pretty much the same to me. The first couple of dates are pretty much two friends hanging out having fun. It's not till I kiss a girl does the dynamic change.

 

I think when you are romantically interested in a girl your body language and demeanor should be very different than when you are simply hanging out with a girl as friends.

 

Though I go in with the mind set that she may start to like me over time. I wonder if she has the mind set that I will stop liking her?

 

Very likely, yes.

[xxoo]

In all honesty, both are pretty much the same to me. The first couple of dates are pretty much two friends hanging out having fun. It's not till I kiss a girl does the dynamic change.

 

 

 

Fair enough.

 

Though I go in with the mind set that she may start to like me over time. I wonder if she has the mind set that I will stop liking her?

 

Unless that kiss comes out of absolutely nowhere, your behavior on a date vs. as friends should be different.

 

Closeness, touching, hand holding, flirtation, compliments, offering to pay....these are the differences.

[somedude81]

I think when you are romantically interested in a girl your body language and demeanor should be very different than when you are simply hanging out with a girl as friends.

 

.

 

Unless that kiss comes out of absolutely nowhere, your behavior on a date vs. as friends should be different.

 

Closeness, touching, hand holding, flirtation, compliments, offering to pay....these are the differences.

 

Those are actually good points, and I'm glad they were brought up.

 

When I'm into a girl, my body language and demeanor doesn't change that much with her vs. just being with friends. Most likely that ties back into the chemistry issue where girls just aren't feeling it with me.

 

Touching, compliments, closeness is how I am with most girls I'm friendly with. It's just my nature. Though with lunch girl on Sunday night there was a lot of closeness. Holding hands is something I save till after I've already kissed a girl.

 

Flirting is something I'm working on, and offering to pay is reserved for relationships.

 

And yeah, sometimes I feel like the kiss does come out of nowhere. Granted I have very little experience with first kisses.

[Weezy1973]

Again SD - I'll advocate for the straightforward and honest "would you like to go out on a date sometime." Doesn't have to be those exact words.

 

Without a doubt, that is how I've had the most success. I've asked women out in that straightforward manner that I thought were perhaps "out of my league" and every time they've said yes. It's as if they like a guy that doesn't play games and hide things (like his age for example). Imagine that!! Women like honest, straightforward men!

 

And FYI, I'm a shorter than average, below average income, man.

[Kav]

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