Tips on maintaining LDR? Overcoming emptiness and insecurities?

[mariekatie]

Can anyone share their success stories and tips for maintaining LDR?

I noticed many people on LS had really good advice and would like to seek some.

 

I understand that LDR is very hard and i do have times when i felt extremely lonely and insecure. I don't know how to cope with it sometimes and it leads to fights. I know it can be tiring to always reassure your partner so i want to do my part in making my relationship a better one.

 

I would really appreciate all advice, be it good or bad ones! Thank you so much!

[jj1]

After two successful ldrs and the third one ending in a catastrophy (she cheated) here is my take. This list is PERFECT 10 Mistakes you Must Never Make in a Long Distance Relationship | Futurescopes.com we made all but 1 and 2. One thing i can say when both start to doubt the relationship it's essentially over or you have to meet sooner than later. Try to identify hurtful communication cycles, ie. responding with anger, fear and doubt to communication made in doubt or fear etc. This will only escalate and there is no reset button on ldr if you don't meet enough. Taking a passive wait and see stance will essentially end the relationship too. Figure which communication methods you prefer, for example video call may not be the best, personally i hate it. In retrospect we should have reaffirmed the reason of the ldr, if you have been together for a while both should contemplate if they truly want it and then communicate that want crystal clear. Though never get needy.

 

Now that i think about it i think an ldr is an all in situtation. Someone has to push real hard for success, preferably both.

Edited November 4, 2014 by jj1

[Els]

I understand that LDR is very hard and i do have times when i felt extremely lonely and insecure. I don't know how to cope with it sometimes and it leads to fights. I know it can be tiring to always reassure your partner so i want to do my part in making my relationship a better one.

 

If you could provide more details about what the insecurity stems from or what the fights are about, we could offer better advice.

 

That being said, IMO the most important factor is that both people really need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work - in terms of communication, visits, and a plan to end the distance. I can't really identify with feeling especially insecure due to distance, in my case it was the lack of being able to do anything physically together (go out on dates, cuddle, have sex, etc) that was the biggest issue. As for loneliness, you just have to lead a full life, have lots of hobbies, and surround yourself with friends who are there in RL.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Elswyth

[mariekatie]

After two successful ldrs and the third one ending in a catastrophy (she cheated) here is my take. This list is PERFECT 10 Mistakes you Must Never Make in a Long Distance Relationship | Futurescopes.com we made all but 1 and 2. One thing i can say when both start to doubt the relationship it's essentially over or you have to meet sooner than later. Try to identify hurtful communication cycles, ie. responding with anger, fear and doubt to communication made in doubt or fear etc. This will only escalate and there is no reset button on ldr if you don't meet enough. Taking a passive wait and see stance will essentially end the relationship too. Figure which communication methods you prefer, for example video call may not be the best, personally i hate it. In retrospect we should have reaffirmed the reason of the ldr, if you have been together for a while both should contemplate if they truly want it and then communicate that want crystal clear. Though never get needy.

 

Now that i think about it i think an ldr is an all in situtation. Someone has to push real hard for success, preferably both.

 

 

I believe at this point, we still have faith in it. Only problem is we will only get to meet early next year for the first time. We communicate but sometimes i feel i'm the selfish one who wants more and more. We often rely on skype, calling at least once per day. I admit that i'm insecure that's why i became quite needy. How much communication do you think is enough?

[oldshirt]

The best advice you can get on maintaining LDRs is - DONT!

 

The time and energy you are expending to try to maintain an LDR is time and energy that is being taken away from finding a real relationship with a real live flesh and blood person in the real world.

[mariekatie]

If you could provide more details about what the insecurity stems from or what the fights are about, we could offer better advice.

 

That being said, IMO the most important factor is that both people really need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work - in terms of communication, visits, and a plan to end the distance. I can't really identify with feeling especially insecure due to distance, in my case it was the lack of being able to do anything physically together (go out on dates, cuddle, have sex, etc) that was the biggest issue. As for loneliness, you just have to lead a full life, have lots of hobbies, and surround yourself with friends who are there in RL.

 

 

Insecurity often comes from myself i guess, due to me feeling like i'm doing more than i receive. This is not necessary true as he did treat me good but i often overlook it. Our fights are only about 1 thing, me feeling neglected and empty. I feel like i'm asking for too much and i don't know how to not expect so much. Prolly this sounds like a convenient excuse but i've had alot of painful past. He knew i had baggage from the past & accepted it and helping me get over it.

 

How much communication do you think is enough to maintain a ldr?

We used to talk all day but i guess we are over the honeymoon period and he decided that he needed time for himself as well. I'm still stuck in the honeymoon phase. I'm writing this thread because i want to become a better girlfriend.

 

This is his first relationship so sometimes he learn through mistakes. I can understand that. I'm often blinded by love so i can't really know what's really wrong. And i agree with the loneliness part, i need to get out more.

He is going to visit me early next year and i'll visit him next year as well. And from there we will decide what is our next step.

We had already talked about who would move and how long before we close the gap. We even talked about what we want in future, it might be too early to talk about it but i think it's better because we need to plan ahead for a LDR. If we are not suitable and not looking in the same direction, it's better to end things now than later.

[Els]

Insecurity often comes from myself i guess, due to me feeling like i'm doing more than i receive. This is not necessary true as he did treat me good but i often overlook it. Our fights are only about 1 thing, me feeling neglected and empty. I feel like i'm asking for too much and i don't know how to not expect so much. Prolly this sounds like a convenient excuse but i've had alot of painful past. He knew i had baggage from the past & accepted it and helping me get over it.

 

Ah, okay. What exactly are you asking for?

 

How much communication do you think is enough to maintain a ldr?

We used to talk all day but i guess we are over the honeymoon period and he decided that he needed time for himself as well.

"All day", if you mean it literally, is a bit too much. When I was in my 2-year LDR with my SO a few years back (we've been reunited since then) we would leave our Skype on after we got back from college, and just go about our daily lives, talking to each other at random points throughout the evening. So there wasn't a dedicated 'conversation time' per se that we had to fulfill, but it did help us feel like we were 'part of' each others' lives in a way. But that being said our timezone differences weren't too bad and we were still college students - if you have vastly differing schedules or work long hours, this would be harder to do.

 

I guess my answer is - it depends on your circumstances.

 

We had already talked about who would move and how long before we close the gap. We even talked about what we want in future, it might be too early to talk about it but i think it's better because we need to plan ahead for a LDR. If we are not suitable and not looking in the same direction, it's better to end things now than later.

That's great.

[mariekatie]

Ah, okay. What exactly are you asking for?

 

"All day", if you mean it literally, is a bit too much. When I was in my 2-year LDR with my SO a few years back (we've been reunited since then) we would leave our Skype on after we got back from college, and just go about our daily lives, talking to each other at random points throughout the evening. So there wasn't a dedicated 'conversation time' per se that we had to fulfill, but it did help us feel like we were 'part of' each others' lives in a way. But that being said our timezone differences weren't too bad and we were still college students - if you have vastly differing schedules or work long hours, this would be harder to do.

 

I guess my answer is - it depends on your circumstances.

 

That's great.

 

 

I'm actually asking for more reassurance and communication. Maybe i was used to talking all day. We used to talk 4-5 hours on the phone and texts the whole day. Now it feels like a routine. We talked everyday from 30mins to 1 hour on skype and some texts when he's out. On weekends, if i'm lucky i get 2 hours but i feel like he would "cut me off" to do his own things.

 

He's a reserved person and i'm always the one talking. Sometimes i get off skype after a 2 hour talk, feeling empty. Like as if our conversations have no substance. I tried talking to him and he did improve on it. But eventually i feel it's because of his lack of experience in the dating field to cause him to neglect me. I don't doubt his love but sometimes i just want more.

 

Am i being needy? I feel like i might be. And i couldn't blame him because he now got a full time job, so do i. Our time difference is kinda big so it's hard to talk all day. But in the past, i'm always the one sacrificing. I think the reason why i became like this is because i gave too much and expects that much back too. But i need to learn that not everyone can do it.

 

And also i feel like when he's out with friends, why can't he text me? We only have few hours per day that we would be free but he takes a long time to response to my texts. I could understand why when he's working but not when he's "free"

Edited November 5, 2014 by mariekatie

[jj1]

More communication is not better in my opinion. It needs to be meaningful with both present. I think the best is to play it out like it plays, meaning do not force it. Personally i seriously cannot be present in a video call, just a phone is SO much better. I can focus and not watch a stupid screen. I'd use video calls for stupid **** like poems and playful clowning etc. and ofc for cyber sex. You can put a real show in there hehe. I think you need to cut back on your need for communication, it's a hard thing. Meaningful is better than more.

[justwhoiam]

Don't overdo it before the first meeting. There's already so much expectation involved. Take it easier. Keep it lighter until you meet.

[d0nnivain]

OMG -- who has 5 hours a day to devote to talking on the phone? How old are you?

 

LDRs are not for the faint of heart. You have to have faith.

 

I did one for about 2 years long before there was internet, e-mail, skype or cell phones. We exchanged daily snail mail letters & had one phone call per week for about one hour, usually placed after 11 pm my time when the rates went down.

 

One of the things we did to stay connected was sent cheap souvenirs if we did something outside of our ordinary routine. For example, if I went to NYC, he'd get an I [heart] NY pin or pencil; or a statue of liberty magnet. Similarly when he went to Disney I'd get a trinket. It helped us to feel like we were still part of each other's daily lives.

 

I also cherished the snail mail letters. They are so much more tangible then words on a screen.

[Els]

I'm actually asking for more reassurance and communication. Maybe i was used to talking all day. We used to talk 4-5 hours on the phone and texts the whole day. Now it feels like a routine. We talked everyday from 30mins to 1 hour on skype and some texts when he's out. On weekends, if i'm lucky i get 2 hours but i feel like he would "cut me off" to do his own things.

 

He's a reserved person and i'm always the one talking. Sometimes i get off skype after a 2 hour talk, feeling empty. Like as if our conversations have no substance. I tried talking to him and he did improve on it. But eventually i feel it's because of his lack of experience in the dating field to cause him to neglect me. I don't doubt his love but sometimes i just want more.

 

To be fair, it's quite likely that most people would struggle to find fresh and substantial material for conversations after having talked 5 hours a day for a period of time. I get the appeal, I really do, but it really isn't sustainable. Even an hour everyday for the long term is a lot, if it is an hour of pure talking (as opposed to leaving Skype on while having occasional conversations whenever something strikes you).

 

Am i being needy? I feel like i might be. And i couldn't blame him because he now got a full time job, so do i. Our time difference is kinda big so it's hard to talk all day. But in the past, i'm always the one sacrificing. I think the reason why i became like this is because i gave too much and expects that much back too. But i need to learn that not everyone can do it.

I do think your expectations are a bit too high. There does come a time in most LDRs where you aren't feeling amazing about it. Things do feel stale sometimes because you're very limited in what you can do. While there are things both of you can do to reignite the spark sometimes, IMO the more important thing is that both of you can accept that things don't have to be all about intense feelings and butterflies 24/7. This is true of any R going past the honeymoon phase but especially true of LDRs.

[InsaneTrombone]

I was in an LDR with a girl for 4 years. We were young, 18-22. I was her first real boyfriend, her first sexual experience, her first a lot of things.

 

She lived in Cali, I lived on the other end of the country. We texted, a lot. All the time, everyday. We spoke on the phone before bed everynight. We tried for at least 20 minutes. Sometimes an hour or two. We sent pictures often, little surprises in the mail. We could really only meet 2-3 times a year.

 

After 4 years, we mutually agreed to end things. It was one of the hardest things to do, because there was nothing wrong with her, or me. We loved eachother still, there was nothing wrong with us or our compatibility or anything. It was just not the right time. We were young, in college, wanting to experience life. She had it harder than me, she was a bit more needy in that regard. I'm usually content being alone (growing up as an only child) but she took little things to the heart and they would just tear her down overtime. Her friends would go out with their boyfriends and she had to go solo because of me. She would see couples walking in the street or eating together and she would stress over why that couldn't be her. Her 'emptyness' feeling never went away. She always complained about feeling down in the dumps about it, and I could only reassure her so much. Get used to that feeling because it's not going away.

 

We never had trust issues, which I'm proud to say. We both fully trusted eachother. There was a time where I was having serious doubts and went out on a date with another girl I met. Nothing at all happened, despite her throwing herself at me, and I felt better about my relationship with my LDR.

 

 

Sorry I started rambling lol. I look back on my experience and have no real regrets. I know we never would have gotten that far without

 

Trust

Communication (Every.single.day)

Love

A positive attitude

Occasional meet-ups throughout the year.

 

There's a lot of things that go into an LDR, but towards the end of mine, I noticed one glaring mistake. We never had set an end-day that we would finally be together. One year turned to two years, to three, etc. We were young and naive.

 

Despite my LDR not having a happy ending, I suggest you seriously consider what I've written and see if you can do this. That being said, everyones situations are different. Some LDR's are only a few hours away. In my case, she was over 3000 miles away. I suggest you set up an end-date and stick to it. The last thing you want to do is see yourself stuck in this same LDR 3 years down the road with no ending in sight. Then you start getting doubts. You start feeling bad about yourself and having these doubts, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with the other person. You love them. But it's just simply not going to realistically happen when you two are finally together all the time.

 

I wish goodluck to anyone in their LDR, it's not an easy thing at all. I look back and am happy I went through it, but I would not do it again. if you ever need some advice feel free to throw me a PM. I enjoy talking about this stuff.

[meringue]

The best advice you can get on maintaining LDRs is - DONT!

 

The time and energy you are expending to try to maintain an LDR is time and energy that is being taken away from finding a real relationship with a real live flesh and blood person in the real world.

 

This is exactly the way I feel and I am only 6 months in though I have known him a year now. It is NOT easy. I'm struggling with what to do.

 

Didn't mean to hijack the thread. This comment just hit me good because it's what I have been feeling. I feel torn.

[meringue]

I believe at this point, we still have faith in it. Only problem is we will only get to meet early next year for the first time. We communicate but sometimes i feel i'm the selfish one who wants more and more. We often rely on skype, calling at least once per day. I admit that i'm insecure that's why i became quite needy. How much communication do you think is enough?

 

For me - my guy and I have spent 4 times together (5 days each time) and we text daily but only talk maybe once a week for an hour or more each time. We both own our businesses so we are busy and it's enough. It seems to be enough for him - the LDR aspect of it. For me I am having doubts and wondering if I should get out now but I do care for him.

 

I would advise you to do what is best for you. Make sure your needs or met. I am craving someone I can see often and I don't think it will ever be him. I just don't know and I think it's too soon to discuss it since we are so "new". It sucks.

[mariekatie]

More communication is not better in my opinion. It needs to be meaningful with both present. I think the best is to play it out like it plays, meaning do not force it. Personally i seriously cannot be present in a video call, just a phone is SO much better. I can focus and not watch a stupid screen. I'd use video calls for stupid **** like poems and playful clowning etc. and ofc for cyber sex. You can put a real show in there hehe. I think you need to cut back on your need for communication, it's a hard thing. Meaningful is better than more.

 

I guess perhaps it's true, we need to have some "alone" time and the conversation would have more substance! We call everyday and we would show our faces for at least a few minutes. It brings us closer.

 

Don't overdo it before the first meeting. There's already so much expectation involved. Take it easier. Keep it lighter until you meet.

 

I now realise i'm expecting too much from him. It would suffocate him eventually. Thanks for the advice!

 

OMG -- who has 5 hours a day to devote to talking on the phone? How old are you?

LDRs are not for the faint of heart. You have to have faith.

I did one for about 2 years long before there was internet, e-mail, skype or cell phones. We exchanged daily snail mail letters & had one phone call per week for about one hour, usually placed after 11 pm my time when the rates went down.

One of the things we did to stay connected was sent cheap souvenirs if we did something outside of our ordinary routine. For example, if I went to NYC, he'd get an I [heart] NY pin or pencil; or a statue of liberty magnet. Similarly when he went to Disney I'd get a trinket. It helped us to feel like we were still part of each other's daily lives.

I also cherished the snail mail letters. They are so much more tangible then words on a screen.

 

He were having holidays but now we are back to the working/school-ing schedule. I've sent him small gifts and snail mail, it's so much better than email-ing! I guess i should be already be satisfied with what i have, i noticed most people only skype once per week or so.

 

 

To be fair, it's quite likely that most people would struggle to find fresh and substantial material for conversations after having talked 5 hours a day for a period of time. I get the appeal, I really do, but it really isn't sustainable. Even an hour everyday for the long term is a lot, if it is an hour of pure talking (as opposed to leaving Skype on while having occasional conversations whenever something strikes you).

 

I do think your expectations are a bit too high. There does come a time in most LDRs where you aren't feeling amazing about it. Things do feel stale sometimes because you're very limited in what you can do. While there are things both of you can do to reignite the spark sometimes, IMO the more important thing is that both of you can accept that things don't have to be all about intense feelings and butterflies 24/7. This is true of any R going past the honeymoon phase but especially true of LDRs.

 

I agree that my expectations is too high. I guess i just need to accept that the honeymoon period phase is over. We are still sweet together, just that communication is cut down. I guess when we meet up, the sparks would come back. Looking forward to seeing him!

 

For me - my guy and I have spent 4 times together (5 days each time) and we text daily but only talk maybe once a week for an hour or more each time. We both own our businesses so we are busy and it's enough. It seems to be enough for him - the LDR aspect of it. For me I am having doubts and wondering if I should get out now but I do care for him.

 

I would advise you to do what is best for you. Make sure your needs or met. I am craving someone I can see often and I don't think it will ever be him. I just don't know and I think it's too soon to discuss it since we are so "new". It sucks.

 

We talked everyday, he would always make effort to call me at least once per day. I guess if you're already having doubts, i think you should talk to him about it. Don't drag it.

[HeavenOrHell]

Talking for several hours every day is excessive IMO, there's no point talking for the sake of it, just communicate spontaneously when either of you actually want to chat and have things to talk about. If you're talking just because you want reassurance from him it won't work.

 

You need to be able to focus on your life and do your own thing and so does he, if you're too distracted thinking about each other all the time it won't work.

 

He talks to you plenty, why the need for him to text you when he's out with friends. He needs to do other things besides concentrate on you.

 

 

 

I'm actually asking for more reassurance and communication. Maybe i was used to talking all day. We used to talk 4-5 hours on the phone and texts the whole day. Now it feels like a routine. We talked everyday from 30mins to 1 hour on skype and some texts when he's out. On weekends, if i'm lucky i get 2 hours but i feel like he would "cut me off" to do his own things.

 

He's a reserved person and i'm always the one talking. Sometimes i get off skype after a 2 hour talk, feeling empty. Like as if our conversations have no substance. I tried talking to him and he did improve on it. But eventually i feel it's because of his lack of experience in the dating field to cause him to neglect me. I don't doubt his love but sometimes i just want more.

 

Am i being needy? I feel like i might be. And i couldn't blame him because he now got a full time job, so do i. Our time difference is kinda big so it's hard to talk all day. But in the past, i'm always the one sacrificing. I think the reason why i became like this is because i gave too much and expects that much back too. But i need to learn that not everyone can do it.

 

And also i feel like when he's out with friends, why can't he text me? We only have few hours per day that we would be free but he takes a long time to response to my texts. I could understand why when he's working but not when he's "free"

[HeavenOrHell]

How long have you been in contact with him for? I'm a bit confused why you are talking about who would move when you've not even met yet And you may even split up before you meet...

 

The amount of communication in an LDR is different for different people, some people want a lot, some are ok with much less. Talking hours daily on the phone or skype isn't sustainable for most people.

It's not important how long you talk for each day, it's more important what the quality of the conversation is.

 

 

 

Insecurity often comes from myself i guess, due to me feeling like i'm doing more than i receive. This is not necessary true as he did treat me good but i often overlook it. Our fights are only about 1 thing, me feeling neglected and empty. I feel like i'm asking for too much and i don't know how to not expect so much. Prolly this sounds like a convenient excuse but i've had alot of painful past. He knew i had baggage from the past & accepted it and helping me get over it.

 

How much communication do you think is enough to maintain a ldr?

We used to talk all day but i guess we are over the honeymoon period and he decided that he needed time for himself as well. I'm still stuck in the honeymoon phase. I'm writing this thread because i want to become a better girlfriend.

 

This is his first relationship so sometimes he learn through mistakes. I can understand that. I'm often blinded by love so i can't really know what's really wrong. And i agree with the loneliness part, i need to get out more.

He is going to visit me early next year and i'll visit him next year as well. And from there we will decide what is our next step.

We had already talked about who would move and how long before we close the gap. We even talked about what we want in future, it might be too early to talk about it but i think it's better because we need to plan ahead for a LDR. If we are not suitable and not looking in the same direction, it's better to end things now than later.

[mariekatie]

How long have you been in contact with him for? I'm a bit confused why you are talking about who would move when you've not even met yet And you may even split up before you meet...

 

The amount of communication in an LDR is different for different people, some people want a lot, some are ok with much less. Talking hours daily on the phone or skype isn't sustainable for most people.

It's not important how long you talk for each day, it's more important what the quality of the conversation is.

 

This may comes as a surprise but we are in this for roughly half a year. We talked about "who's moving in future" few months ago. We thought it was early to say about it but necessary. Because i've been in a LT LDR once and immigration and all broke us up. So we wanted to know if it would work out in the long run. I guess we just deal with it differently from others.

 

I guess if we don't talk about this and when things starts getting serious, it will be hard for us if neither of us wanted to move. We don't have detailed plan on what will we do but we have an idea about it. But most importantly, we are focusing on meeting up first

 

It might be naive but we both feel that it is necessary to discuss about such stuff in the beginning of the r/s. Be it whether we would work out or not, at least we both know it is possible in the long run. And for my case, immigration is totally possible.

 

We used to talk for hours as he was having the holidays but now that we are both busy, we only talk for a hour or less per day. I guess i should be content with what i have. My guy would even sacrifice his time with friends to call me. I feel so sorry to be needy and expect him to always be there and overlooked what he had already gave me.

Thank you everyone for the advice! It really opens my eyes to what i have been overlooking all along.