I'm about go take that leap into being the OW

[whichwayisup]

My dh and I won't divorce. Over this. He knows it'd be a death sentence for me medically. We may separate. But not divorce. I know him too well. Not that I'm saying I'm justifying anything.

 

Your other option is, ask your husband for an open marriage, this way HE can go have an OW too. Would you be okay with that? Honestly? It's only fair if you get to have someone on the side, so should he.

[CarrieT]

His wife is already aware of this. She won't leave.

According to him or have you confirmed this with her?

 

Do you know how many people lie and claim their marriages are "open" which ultimately news to the spouse!

[Islandwhitewave]

How do you know your H won't divorce you? He may hate you for doing this, having an affair after all he's done for you! Ungrateful and not appreciative of what he's done. Whatever anger and issues you have in your marriage should be fixed, and none of this cheating will help, it'll make it worse.

 

Your H has every right to divorce you. He isn't obligated to you if you choose to have an affair. He has every right to walk away and let you fend for yourself, even if it's a death sentence for you.. Sorry that you have had cancer and been through that rough time, but what you're doing now is really awful. It's like you feel entitled to do as you please. Nothing in your marriage, problems etc can justify you having an affair. You are broken inside and for that, you need to fix you. Fix the problems in your marriage...

 

And yes, you should be thinking about your kids in all this too. How it's going to affect them.

 

Because I know him. I came for support, not judgement.

 

And no, he wouldn't divorce me. Because I didn't divorce him through his issues while I was going through cancer. I never said I was absolutely going to jump into this. I'm giving info on the situation.

 

For two years while I was going through a surgery every few months, he was so wrapped up in his addiction. Rejecting me. He did the minimal care and help for me and our children. Again, that's no excuse. And I can't hold that against him. We did everything we could to work through it. That's just what we do. We made a vow go never divorce.

[Islandwhitewave]

According to him or have you confirmed this with her?

 

Do you know how many people lie and claim their marriages are "open" which ultimately news to the spouse!

 

Like I've said, I'm close with them both.

[Got it]

Yes I am. I've spoken with her. My dh and I won't divorce. Over this. He knows it'd be a death sentence for me medically. We may separate. But not divorce. I know him too well. Not that I'm saying I'm justifying anything.

 

MM and his wife are in an open marriage. She's seen our conversations. She's seen us get playful at their house. My husband is the only one that would be truly hurt in all this. And my children. And I'm struggling so hard. But I'm also angry. There's so many variables in our marriage that needs to be dealt with. You're right of course.

 

Okay so why are you doing it then? I would not assume your husband won't divorce you, that is a variable that you have no way of concretely knowing and I would not make an assumption on it.

 

Why are you wanting to do this? What are you hoping to gain? What is motivating you?

[Islandwhitewave]

Do you really want to be just a side piece? Someone who’s only good for a hour or so. This guy doesn’t care about you, your husband or your son it’s all about him. Think about you have a husband who loves you and has been there for you when you needed him the most. You have something most women would kill for don’t throw that way and don’t make the same mistakes I made. Please put a end to this now and find away fix your marriage because if you continues this you might not get that chance.

 

That's the the thing, I have too much effing pride to just be the girlfriend. The side piece. To not be loved and just lusted after. I am being stupid. I a KNOW THIS. It's why I'm here.

[HBIC]

I can understand the urge to want to be with someone that sets your heart all a flutter, someone that awakens sexual urges and makes you feel validated. I was feeling that way too a few years ago. After a few drinks one night, I threw all my values completely out the window and jumped on someone who was married.

 

Guess where we're at now?

 

Our relationship? Painfully awkward and almost nonexistent.

His marriage? None of my business but probably in the toilet.

Amount of pain felt by all parties? Immeasurable.

 

Yeah. It was such a good idea to jump on him.

 

Please read the OW threads and the Infidelity ones. Please. The abysmally horrific to happy ending ratio is 1,000 to 1.

[Islandwhitewave]

But your husband may leave. And what about your son when he finds out you are having an affair with his best friend's dad? What happens when the MM and your husband's superiors find out?

 

Oh lord....... You know..... I never thought of that. High school kids can be so damn mean. When the gossips at their work find out. My son and his best friend could lose out on a friendship. Kids would talk. Kids would shun my son. Because everyone would find out. It's a small duty station.

[beach]

Your husband TRUSTS YOU - YOU are about to ruin that! Once it's ruined you can NEVER get that blind trust back again, EVER.

 

I repeat... Just to remind you again.

 

Look in the mirror and ask yourself "self, do I really want a man to use me for selfish pleasure knowing it will cause extreme harm to myself, my husband and kids forever?" "Is that worth it, self"?

[Got it]

Island - you have been through a lot in the past few years. Have you sought therapy to help you through this? I wonder if this is tied partly to your second chance in life, to be seen as a sexual woman still, etc. Is this really about the OM and not more about you?

 

Unfortunately I don't believe affairs are uncommon after someone has had a major life event like this. But I urge you, if you aren't ready to divorce, to really think about this and seek some help.

 

If you are done with your marriage, be done. That is okay. But committing to this asinine idea that you will never divorce but you have no issues with cheating doesn't make any sense.

[Got it]

I repeat... Just to remind you again.

 

Look in the mirror and ask yourself "self, do I really want a man to use me for selfish pleasure knowing it will cause extreme harm to myself, my husband and kids forever?" "Is that worth it, self"?

 

Why are you assuming he is using her? Because he is male. She could be very likely just using him.

[Got it]

Oh lord....... You know..... I never thought of that. High school kids can be so damn mean. When the gossips at their work find out. My son and his best friend could lose out on a friendship. Kids would talk. Kids would shun my son. Because everyone would find out. It's a small duty station.

 

Island - a very good point to think about. What is your plan? One time and that is it? Multiple times and a relationship? What is the plan if it comes out? What is the plan if people find out? Do you care if people find out? What is your plan if this is a deal breaker for your spouse?

 

Where do you see this going?

[DKT3]

The more you post the colder you get. Sounds like the ranting of a naive, self centered and selfish teenager.

 

What is becoming clear is you don't seem to care about your husband, but that medical insurance sure has your interest. With that whole we may separate but never divorce.

 

Just a thought, if your so sure your husband won't leave then why not invite him to enjoy MM's wife? Just make it a foursome, wife swamp or something along those lines?

 

Or does the thought of him having some on the side not fit your needs?

[Islandwhitewave]

The more you post the colder you get. Sounds like the ranting of a naive, self centered and selfish teenager.

 

What is becoming clear is you don't seem to care about your husband, but that medical insurance sure has your interest. With that whole we may separate but never divorce.

 

Just a thought, if your so sure your husband won't leave then why not invite him to enjoy MM's wife? Just make it a foursome, wife swamp or something along those lines?

 

Or does the thought of him having some on the side not fit your needs?

 

Well, some posters are kinda ticking me off. So when they act like jerks, they get cold responses right back. How's that for a response? I'll respond to those who are rationally and kindly supportive. To those who are being judgmental and unsupportive, I'll be cold and will not respond to your baiting. Got it?

[Islandwhitewave]

Island - a very good point to think about. What is your plan? One time and that is it? Multiple times and a relationship? What is the plan if it comes out? What is the plan if people find out? Do you care if people find out? What is your plan if this is a deal breaker for your spouse?

 

Where do you see this going?

 

Right now I'm just thinking. Thinking this I'm stupid. This is all stupid. It hasn't gone past the point of no return yet. I can still pull back and recover this mess. The MM wants me to be his "girlfriend". I just don't want to do this. In my head it's all romanticized. I know it'll be different in reality. It'll kill me guilt wise. I can't be thi stupid. My kids and family.

[Arieswoman]

islandwhitewave,

 

What does this mean ??

 

He knows it'd be a death sentence for me medically.

[Got it]

Well, some posters are kinda ticking me off. So when they act like jerks, they get cold responses right back. How's that for a response? I'll respond to those who are rationally and kindly supportive. To those who are being judgmental and unsupportive, I'll be cold and will not respond to your baiting. Got it?

 

Island - Take a deep breath and welcome to LoveShack. If you are looking for straight support LS is not going to do that. It is an restricted forum that allows anyone to post in it. So you are going to get the condemnation, the ridicule, and the "allowed" insults. It is what it is. There are other boards out there that take a softer approach.

 

I was an MOW so I am approaching from that angle and hopefully with a few lessons learned.

 

I am not going to tell you to do it or not to do it. But what I ask is you really think about it and make sure you are fully aware of the pandora's box you are opening and what your plan is in case it blows up. So many of us go tripping through the daisy on this, not thinking more than a minute ahead and then when everything blows up look like a deer in the headlight trying to figure out what happened.

 

So I wanted to ask you some questions, that if you think about the answers, may help you figure out if this is really something you want to do.

[Islandwhitewave]

Island - you have been through a lot in the past few years. Have you sought therapy to help you through this? I wonder if this is tied partly to your second chance in life, to be seen as a sexual woman still, etc. Is this really about the OM and not more about you?

 

Unfortunately I don't believe affairs are uncommon after someone has had a major life event like this. But I urge you, if you aren't ready to divorce, to really think about this and seek some help.

 

If you are done with your marriage, be done. That is okay. But committing to this asinine idea that you will never divorce but you have no issues with cheating doesn't make any sense.

 

No, I need the therapy desperately. It'll help with getting past my feelings that I'm undesirable and that I look deformed. I have scars everywhere. And it's such a hang up. It's so hard to ok at myself naked , but when another man says hey you look sexy... It's intoxicating. When my husband has been giving me very little attention for years... He cares for me and I love that he's stuck with me. He just has a tough time doing the affection thing. Or making me feel sexy. I feel invisible.

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

[DKT3]

Well, some posters are kinda ticking me off. So when they act like jerks, they get cold responses right back. How's that for a response? I'll respond to those who are rationally and kindly supportive. To those who are being judgmental and unsupportive, I'll be cold and will not respond to your baiting. Got it?

 

That's fine, what you have to realize is we have all been in this situation on one side or the other. Many of us never really agree on much, yet there is a united message here.

 

I judge no one, I respond to what I read and ask tough questions. When its not what you want to hear it sounds like jugdement. Most of us have been in your shoes. We come here thinking one way, when we don't get the "support" ie people to agree with our POV its easy to go on the attack and start placing anger outwardly.

 

I asked valid questions, tough but valid. None of which you relied too. Honestly I don't ask to get replies, I ask to get you to think, and get honest with yourself.

 

Those replies that make you angry are those that hit on something.

 

I personally haven't seen a lot of judgement here at all.

[Got it]

Right now I'm just thinking. Thinking this I'm stupid. This is all stupid. It hasn't gone past the point of no return yet. I can still pull back and recover this mess. The MM wants me to be his "girlfriend". I just don't want to do this. In my head it's all romanticized. I know it'll be different in reality. It'll kill me guilt wise. I can't be thi stupid. My kids and family.

 

Okay. So breath. You haven't crossed the point of no return. And there is no ticking clock on this. Why not give yourself some time and really sit with yourself. It is so hard when the hormones are raising, I am sure you are thinking that you almost died, that you guys have had this and that issues, that you never do anything for yourself and this is your ONE selfish moment. This one time that is just for you! Sound similar?

 

But you know, you can't unring the bell. So talk to a therapist. See why you are here and what it means; what is the driving motivation.

 

And sometimes just making it "public" helps to clear some of the romantic cobwebs away. Cuz it sounds so nice and shiny and lovely in your head, right? :laugh:

 

The best way, I have learned, to help prevent this is to start making it public to your spouse. I am not sure if you are there yet but the more you lay bare to him, the more it helps give you his reaction/feelings to take into the equation and may actually lead to a better bonding moment for you two.

 

But first, I really think talking to a professional about everything you have gone through would be greatly beneficial. Give yourself 4 months. Try and figure out if this is what you want but investing in therapy, your spouse, maybe even marital counseling, before pulling this trigger. So if you do it, assume you have pulled the death blow to the marriage. And think about the marriage after the affair and what your thoughts, expectations, and aspirations are for it.

[beach]

Please read here and find valuable info from all sides before doing anything more destructive to yourself; your life.

 

Gather info and see if that's really what you choose to do.

[Islandwhitewave]

Island - Take a deep breath and welcome to LoveShack. If you are looking for straight support LS is not going to do that. It is an restricted forum that allows anyone to post in it. So you are going to get the condemnation, the ridicule, and the "allowed" insults. It is what it is. There are other boards out there that take a softer approach.

 

I was an MOW so I am approaching from that angle and hopefully with a few lessons learned.

 

I am not going to tell you to do it or not to do it. But what I ask is you really think about it and make sure you are fully aware of the pandora's box you are opening and what your plan is in case it blows up. So many of us go tripping through the daisy on this, not thinking more than a minute ahead and then when everything blows up look like a deer in the headlight trying to figure out what happened.

 

So I wanted to ask you some questions, that if you think about the answers, may help you figure out if this is really something you want to do.

Oh pfffttt, I came from cafemom, they're much more brutal there. I can hack it. I can take what's dished out. I had someone point me to this forum. So I figured it would be the softer approached. But as a newb, I figured this was it. That ok, my mistake. I can take it. I have thick skin.

[beach]

No, I need the therapy desperately. It'll help with getting past my feelings that I'm undesirable and that I look deformed. I have scars everywhere. And it's such a hang up. It's so hard to ok at myself naked , but when another man says hey you look sexy... It's intoxicating. When my husband has been giving me very little attention for years... He cares for me and I love that he's stuck with me. He just has a tough time doing the affection thing. Or making me feel sexy. I feel invisible.

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

 

It's really not up to him or anyone to "make you feel" a certain way.

 

That is your own perception. The perception of yourself. You can get a professional to help you change that outlook.

[whichwayisup]

Because I know him. I came for support, not judgement.

 

And no, he wouldn't divorce me. Because I didn't divorce him through his issues while I was going through cancer. I never said I was absolutely going to jump into this. I'm giving info on the situation.

 

For two years while I was going through a surgery every few months, he was so wrapped up in his addiction. Rejecting me. He did the minimal care and help for me and our children. Again, that's no excuse. And I can't hold that against him. We did everything we could to work through it. That's just what we do. We made a vow go never divorce.

 

I'm not judging you, I am trying to help you, help open your eyes before you make the biggest mistake of your life! Trust me, you'll know a rude/mean reply when you see it, mine is far from that. Harsh yes, but it's only because I care and I don't want to see your family in shambles because you're choosing to cheat on your husband.

 

Bolded part -When couples get married, part of vow is to forgo others. Not just not divorce.

 

Italics, this is much different than what you put in your opening post:

 

10 year marriage, my husband has helped me through cancer , 14 surgeries, watched as I went through cluster seizures and pissed myself.

 

never said I was absolutely going to jump into this. I'm giving info on the situation.

 

And everybody is telling you NOT to do it. No good can come of this. None.

[Got it]

No, I need the therapy desperately. It'll help with getting past my feelings that I'm undesirable and that I look deformed. I have scars everywhere. And it's such a hang up. It's so hard to ok at myself naked , but when another man says hey you look sexy... It's intoxicating. When my husband has been giving me very little attention for years... He cares for me and I love that he's stuck with me. He just has a tough time doing the affection thing. Or making me feel sexy. I feel invisible.

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

 

Okay. That makes perfect sense! Of COURSE you want to be desired. Of course you are going to struggle seeing yourself as a woman now. This is very common, and you are not alone. Honey, I am sure you have been dealing with depression, anxiety, and a loss of direction with everything. Your world has been flipped upside down. This is going to knock the strongest person on their heels. Be kind to yourself.

 

But talk to someone. I would say, talk them, and then bring him in. He may be afraid to touch you, afraid of having almost lost you, afraid that this is a powder keg waiting to blow up.

 

But, honey, you have to start forgiving and loving yourself first. No one else can do this for you. This guy can't make you be less afraid of your body. Maybe in the moment but those thoughts will be there. You have to work through that.

 

There are so many books out there on this. I will look up a few for you and maybe that will help you. There are online support groups for this as well that might be really helpful to join.

 

I am really sorry for everything and I can imagine how alone you feel. But you aren't alone. I don't think the affair is going to give you what you are looking for but a coping mechanism to try and get someone to say you are lovely, sexy, and loveable.

 

But you need to say that to yourself. Can you?