My brain wants to talk but my heart is locked..or something like that :o

[SerCay]

I've recently broken up with my emotionally abusive, manipulative narcissistic bf.. It's been a couple months now and I truly feel free!

 

He has wanted to get back together from break up till about a week ago.

I did something, I normally never did, it's just not my personality.

 

He asked me why I didn't want to be with him anymore, if I didn't miss him.

I said I didn't. He asked why? And then I told him that I just don't enjoy his company anymore...

 

That I find his jokes cheap, his luring eyes towards trashy chicks annoying, the fact that he never wants to talk longer than 5 minutes about a topic that interests me very off putting..and a couple more things like that. It's all the truth though, I really do not enjoy his company anymore! But I'm just not the kind of person to be so mean to someone, I mean, plenty of other people who would probably enjoy his company a lot.

 

Anyway, I felt sorry for how I spoke to him, because (miraculously) since we broke up, the guy who used to pick fights over EVERYTHING, and was NEVER there for me when I needed him in 4 years of a relationship, has now turned into the sweetest, most thoughtful, helpful guy who tells me a couple of times a day that he's there for me, and if I ever need anything, just to call him etc. I would be lying if I said that this turn in his behaviour isnt confusing to me. But I dont buy into it.

 

Then here's my actual question: He calls me sometimes, and we speak, but it's like I have a lock on my mouth!! something in my body just wont allow me to tell him ANYTHING personal about myself!! It's so weird!! My body is forcing me to be superficial and generally quiet on the phone I've never experienced this! Somethimes I think, whats happening, why cant I just have a normal conversation with him, but I just cant, my mouth wont let me utter the words!! Complete lock down towards him so weird!!

 

I wanted to ask others here who have been emotionall abused, whether you have experienced this lock down??

[Zahara]

1) You call him a narcissist, then you have possibly done enough "research" to understand the kind of person that he is. And...

 

2) You admit to having endured emotional abuse and manipulation

 

The RELEVANT question is -- why are you engaging with someone that was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and narcissistic?

 

The RELEVANT question is -- what about you needs to be in contact with someone that abused you?

 

You have all the laughing emoticons -- I find it rather disturbing that you take it all so lightly and that you're zoning in on the wrong issue.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Zahara

[SerCay]

Because unlike a lot of people, I am not a no contact person. To me that feels like running away from things. I want to face my issues and then let them go when I feel I am ready.

 

Therefore I will stay in contact with him until my brain and my heart have had their closure and I can move on and let things go. Everybody does this in their own way. So do I...

 

I'm probably close to letting go completely, since like I said, I can't utter anything towards him any longer, so this means my brain is aware now.

 

I'm curious if in this process of letting go, anybody else has experienced this lock down, that's why I chose to focus on that issue.

[Zahara]

Because unlike a lot of people, I am not a no contact person. To me that feels like running away from things. I want to face my issues and then let them go when I feel I am ready.

 

I'm sorry, but that is a very poor excuse. Staying away from someone that abused you isn't running away. It's protecting yourself and preserving your self-respect, dignity and your value. You don't face your issues by engaging with an abuser. You face your issues by focusing and processing internally, on your own.

 

Therefore I will stay in contact with him until my brain and my heart have had their closure and I can move on and let things go. Everybody does this in their own way. So do I...

 

Closure is accepting that you love yourself enough to stay away from someone that abused you.

 

Read your signature and find truth in it.

 

Good luck in your journey.

[SerCay]

hmmm It's almost as if I hear anger in your 'voice'... why not just refrain from commenting if you don't have an answer to my question

 

I didnt ask for your opinion about HOW to handle things in this thread did I now...

[Zahara]

There is no reason for me to be angry for the choices you make. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear and while you don't like what is being said, it is offered to help you find empowerment and perspective instead of condoning your actions that are self-destructive.

 

I hope you find answers to your questions.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Zahara

[bathtub-row]

Because unlike a lot of people, I am not a no contact person. To me that feels like running away from things. I want to face my issues and then let them go when I feel I am ready.

 

And this is exactly what could potentially get you involved with this numb-skull again. The truth is, when someone treats us badly, they don't deserve to be a part of our lives anymore. Your message to him is that he can do as he pleases but you'll give him a chance to get his foot back in the door. It doesn't matter what you tell yourself you're doing, or what you think you're doing, or how much you tell him off. I'm just letting you know what he's thinking on his end. This is exactly how women stay involved with abusive men -- by being overly nice and overly thoughtful. I understand about closure and all that but I hope you understand that what you're doing could potentially create new problems for you.

 

Well, I say of course he's being nice! He wants another chance to treat you like crap again. There's nothing more charming than an abuser who has been dumped. Even they convince themselves that it must've been the relationship that made them the way they were because they're no longer angry. But, the truth is, they're only like that because they have no one to beat up, so they have to resort to being charming again like they were in the beginning. That is, until they get another person around them to abuse. So, it'll either be you or it'll be someone else.

 

Just to clear things up, I doubt that any other people would enjoy the company of the person you describe. I'm friends with 2 of my exes. One of them never did any harm to me, we were just young and dumb when we were together. The other one is the father of my child. My abusive ex will never, ever have the privilege of chatting with me again.

 

As far as why your mouth is in lockdown mode, it's probably because you learned that anything you say to him will be used against you at some other time. But I'm afraid that if you keep listening to him and keep talking to him, your good instincts that are telling you to back off will go quiet and you'll be right back where you started. Please be careful with this guy.

[SerCay]

Weird thing... shortly after posting this, all of a sudden something else happened: I started to remember and relive one by one the moments that hurt me most of what he did to me.

 

Not only was I not able to speak to him any longer because my body locks itself up, but now all I feel towards him is anger.

 

Until this moment, I ocassionally thought of the things he did to me, so I could see the nice things he was doing for me at that moment.

 

What happened right now is that the nice things don't matter to me any longer, all I can see is his selfish abusive actions.

 

This is what I meant with closure, and my heart and brain have to be ready. I'm ready now and I went no contact 6 days ago. It was time! Didn't regret it any second.

[bathtub-row]

Glad to hear this! Anger is a good thing sometimes. Someday, you'll stop giving him any play time at all in your head. That's a good place to be.