, I need all the help I can get

[Ouchouchouch]

Too keep a really long story short, me and my ex dated for four years. It was an epic, mutual, all encompassing love that I would have remained loyal to till the end of my life. The sight of elderly couples walking together sends me into full blown tears.

He's broken up with me now for the third time in 4 years. The last year of our relationship has been long distance, but it was in the cards for me to move back up there soon for grad school. During the past year, we fell in love again. He came here and I went there totaling about 6 times. During his graduation he told his roommate he wanted to marry me...we were so close, the sex was amazing, and everything was going so well. For his graduation present in May, I gave him a trip to come here. However, his transition out of college affected our communication. A two month period of time passed with very mediocre communication where he wouldn't respond to a text for sometimes 6+ days at a time and I would be too proud to send more than one. Summer passed and we didn't see each other at all. We arranged for him to finally come in September. When he came here, I resented him for that period of ill communication. Also, I was going through a health crisis and as a result our intimacy suffered. We also got into a meaningless argument. We made up and still had a nice time, but the magic was missing. I think it was circumstantial because of distance,health, and Unworked issues, etc. It wasn't enough for me to give up. Anyways, he returned home and pretended everything was fine for a month and a half before dropping, totally out of nowhere, the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line on skype. He told me he didn't know what he wanted. He was really upset and crying etc. This took me by total surprise because he played me like a fool pretending things were normal. I figured he knew I was at a low. I figured he would fight for me, for us, and that one lousy visit wasn't enough to ruin the amazing times we had together at graduation plus the past 4 years.

 

During Skype, he told me he doesn't know what he wants etc...so I said I'm not going to wait around for you to figure your **** out etc. when the Skype call ended, he told me he loved me.....I didn't say it back. I just said goodnight.

 

5 days later, I sent him a really long winded letter telling him how I grew to resent him for not giving me basic attentionfor those two months, but that I still cared about him tremendously. I told him that I fell out of love with him and our intimacy suffered because of that time coupled with my health crisis. I ltold him that I agreed with space and that the distance wasn't working for us. But I left the door open by saying that "someday I need to revisit things to know if our fire was truly out out. Let's consider this a see you later, rather than a goodbye forever because I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what might of been because of one lousy visit."

 

 

He responded by saying "I don't think its a good idea to bookmark this and wait to maybe one day revisit this as it will be more damaging to the both of us. Though I still love you so much and don't want to say goodbye, sometimes the right thing to do isn't easy...with all my love, J"

 

 

It seemed crazy to me that we could go from him wanting to marry me in May, to giving up all hope in September.

 

We were in a serious relationship, one where we were planning to spend our lives together.

Do I respond back to his goodbye and agree, or do I remain in NC?it's been 5 days since his response. 10 days since I wrote him the big letter. I'm paralyzed by grief and sadness and there is so much I want to say, but I know I can't force him to want me. I want him to embrace the door that he closed on me so he can be happy with or without me. What do you guys think? To top this all off, it was my birthday yesterday. He wished me a happy birthday and I also didn't respond. It just hurts so bad.please give me some advice. There's nothing like losing someone whom you care for greater than yourself.

[cerridwen]

Awful. I am so sorry.

I can feel the pain in your post despite it being very measured and fair to both parties.

 

Write two letters.

Keep the one in which you express all your love and anger, then send the one to say goodbye.

 

Going off very little admittedly, you strike me as someone who would be haunted by not responding.

I think NC is helpful but I dont believe you will be harmed or lose gains by responding to his goodbye.

 

FWIW, letting him go seems very, very smart.

He would likely take you on a wild and painful ride while he "figures out what he wants."

Imagine more painful breakups, hot and cold behavior, confusion, and the like.

It's no way to live.

 

There is a Coping section here. It's pretty good, IMO.

Utilize it for support and check out the "Post Here Instead Of Contacting Your Ex" thread.

Helpful!