Tempted to say yes

[NomiMalone]

I've met a man my age who's engaged. The chemistry was off the scale. I'm so tempted to say yes to his invite to meet up. Can someone please talk some sense into me? I think cheating is unforgivable and I never ever want to become that person.

[Poppyolive]

Then don't.

[mariekatie]

I've met a man my age who's engaged. The chemistry was off the scale. I'm so tempted to say yes to his invite to meet up. Can someone please talk some sense into me? I think cheating is unforgivable and I never ever want to become that person.

 

Then imagine how would you feel if you're the fiancee. He's at fault for inviting to meet up, you're wrong if you accepted it. What goes around, comes around.

 

DONT DO IT.

[Friskyone4u]

You said it yourself. You never want to be the betrayed person. So why do that to someone else to have sex with some guy willing tondo that to his fiancé.

No one can stop you from becoming his sex toy but you and you already know that

[PegNosePete]

If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.

He is showing you exactly what kind of guy he is. The kind of guy who cheats on his fiance.

Do you think he'd make a good boyfriend?

[Darren Steez]

I've met a man my age who's engaged. The chemistry was off the scale. I'm so tempted to say yes to his invite to meet up. Can someone please talk some sense into me? I think cheating is unforgivable and I never ever want to become that person.

 

You met a random man, chemistry "way off the scale". So what's the probably if you give it time there isn't another random guy out there out of the many many men available that you could connect with?

[NomiMalone]

Thanks so much all. It was exactly what i needed to hear. I said no to him, in a friendly, casual tone hopefully conveying a message that I'm not interested. I've not let on at all how I actually feel. I decided that since he's taken, I have no right to tell him how I feel, even in saying no. I've not told any of my friends either - I just want this all to go quietly away. Its been doing my head in, and I'm aware I'm not thinking clearly at all. I can't concentrate at work. Never have I felt so illogically attracted to someone. Makes me wonder why we experience chemistry with some people, and not with others. Does anyone know whether these feelings just to away on their own if you never see that person again?

 

Saying no had made me feel like something has been lost, but it also made me respect myself more, knowing that I'm capable of doing the right thing even though it wasn't easy. Im now analysing what exactly it was about him that made him so crazily attractive to me, hopefully I'll learn something from it.

[NomiMalone]

If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.

He is showing you exactly what kind of guy he is. The kind of guy who cheats on his fiance.

Do you think he'd make a good boyfriend?

 

Totally agree... thing was though I didn't want to date the guy, not even if he was single, for that very reason you mentioned - he's clearly open to cheating on his partner. For all I know, he could be asking girls out left right and centre. I only wanted to sleep with him, once. I even thought about the logistics of it, like how we could pull this off without anyone knowing. How horrible of me, I know.

[NomiMalone]

You met a random man, chemistry "way off the scale". So what's the probably if you give it time there isn't another random guy out there out of the many many men available that you could connect with?

 

Thanks Darren for that thought. Very true!

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations you made a good decision! Others should read this. It ain't the end of world . It will not be the last attractive man you miss out having sex with and you will survive

And most importantly , you will not find yourself floundering for months and years as some ones side "piece of ass". And whoever said that you are probably not the only one he has hit on has probably got that one right.

You should be proud you acted like an adult and can walk away with your dignity intact.

Forget about this guy and go have sex with a nice single man. You'll have better results

[Omei]

I've met a man my age who's engaged. The chemistry was off the scale. I'm so tempted to say yes to his invite to meet up. Can someone please talk some sense into me? I think cheating is unforgivable and I never ever want to become that person.

 

It's super easy to deter yourself from this man, he is willing to cheat, so now fast forward your life by 1 year picture yourself with him happy ever after you're at home cooking while he's asking a girl just like you were once to meet up and there you are at home cooking for him while hes on his next affair.

 

Did that help?

[writergal]

Saying no had made me feel like something has been lost, but it also made me respect myself more, knowing that I'm capable of doing the right thing even though it wasn't easy. Im now analysing what exactly it was about him that made him so crazily attractive to me, hopefully I'll learn something from it.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We can't help it when we feel tremendous chemistry with someone who is already taken. That's human nature. If anything, pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing as difficult as it was for you to do.

 

And it's also great that you're looking inward to figure out what traits he possesses that made him so attractive to you. And no doubt you can find those same traits in another guy who is single and emotionally available. Keep that thought going in the back of your mind, if the thought to contact this guy pops up. Don't give in to temptation. Nothing good every comes from doing that, unless it's with someone you trust and who has your good intentions at heart.

[Elle1975]

I don't believe there is any karma or cosmic scale in place to rectify what's right and what's wrong. However, if he cheated on his fiancee with you, he probably would not respect you as much, and in the future would see it as a good justification to cheat on you next.

[amaysngrace]

My sister met her husband when he was engaged to someone else.

 

He didn't invite her anywhere before he broke off the engagement. He had too much respect for everyone involved to do something so sleazy.

 

They've been married over 25 years.

[ascendotum]

I don't believe there is any karma or cosmic scale in place to rectify what's right and what's wrong. However, if he cheated on his fiancee with you, he probably would not respect you as much, and in the future would see it as a good justification to cheat on you next.

 

Nah there is no karma. She would have to create it by leaving her panties / ear ring at their place for his gf to find. I don't know how prevalent that rational is but definitely often the cheater subsequently cheats on their former affair partner if they end up in a relationship. I think in more cases than not though the OW stays a bit on the side and doesn't end up in a proper relationship with the cheating guy to have to deal with it. That still suits a lot of women. I think its a sleazy situation but it gets rationalized by the OW as they are not betraying anyone they owe loyalty to. This guy in this story though is a scumbag. Its not like he's stuck in a long term resentful/sexless marriage, he has a fiance he is going to say his wedding vows to shortly. Can't even make it through the engagement.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks again everyone for having taken the time to reply. I appreciate the insights very much.

 

So I've spent all evening analysing why I'm so inexplicably attracted to this guy, and this is what I've come up with:

 

He had all the qualities I'm attracted to (on the surface): well spoken, well educated, fun to converse with, charismatic, classy, said all the right things (ie: smooth talker), confident. (Especially relevant when in comparison with the 10 or so other guys at the party, who were mainly younger (early 20s) and didn't possess as much finesse.)

 

He was extremely flirtatious (it was very clear the attraction was there on his side).

 

He was physically attractive - tall, well dressed, and had an athletic build.

 

And, I think this point is crucial: I loved the way he made me feel - beautiful, desired, witty, enigmatic, exciting, the ideal woman. And he made me feel protected and looked after. (I know this sounds weird, but I don't want to go into the details of the party for fear of being recognised.) This in particular worries me, but I'm not sure exactly why.

 

But having said all that, at the end of the day, chemistry between two people can't always be logically explained (or explainable perhaps only by the workings of the chemicals in our brains). I've always believed that in that sense, you don't choose who you're attracted to.

[NomiMalone]

It's super easy to deter yourself from this man, he is willing to cheat, so now fast forward your life by 1 year picture yourself with him happy ever after you're at home cooking while he's asking a girl just like you were once to meet up and there you are at home cooking for him while hes on his next affair.

 

Did that help?

 

Yes that definitely helped!

[Day.One]

Hold your head up high, Nomi. You're a better person, who made the right choice!

[NomiMalone]

Congratulations you made a good decision! Others should read this. It ain't the end of world . It will not be the last attractive man you miss out having sex with and you will survive

And most importantly , you will not find yourself floundering for months and years as some ones side "piece of ass". And whoever said that you are probably not the only one he has hit on has probably got that one right.

You should be proud you acted like an adult and can walk away with your dignity intact.

Forget about this guy and go have sex with a nice single man. You'll have better results

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I've definitely been in that floundering position before - not in a situation involving infidelity but in various FWB scenarios. It was always torture of the worst kind. I'd actually not thought that far ahead in this case, but the writing's on the wall, loud and clear. I definitely do not want to go there ever again!

[ascendotum]

Re the attraction to sleeping with a man who has zero respect for me. Can you please elaborate on why you believe he has no respect for me? ... I've always had respect for people I've jumped into bed with. To sleep with someone for whom you have absolutely no respect means you have very little self respect. I don't believe this is the case with the engaged guy in question.

 

Lots of guys don't have to have respect for a woman to sleep with her. There will be a difference between respect and dis-respect though. Yes that will stop a lot of guys but certainly not your pussy hounds. I don't know if he really respects you but that does not mean the opposite of course. He doesn't really know you that well I gather, just sees you as cute/sexy and very open to his charms and likes what he sees and wants to bang on the side. Why I wouldn't get hung up on him respecting you is the fact that he does not even respect the woman he is about to marry soon. He's prowling for pussy behind her back. I'd like to think a fiance who is about to start a life with earns more respect than just a gf or a long term wife where boredom/resentment/personality changes/$ stress has set in. Do you think you will rate higher in respect than his fiance.

 

And he made me feel protected and looked after

This is a bit weird. Have you been dating him for a bit? Do you struggle with day to day life? Have your less attractive past bfs never been good at taking care of you?

Edited November 6, 2014 by ascendotum

[me85]

So sorry. That sucks. Do not go out with him.

[NomiMalone]

In my opinion the truth is people have a very warped sense of what causes basic instinctual sexual attraction in human beings - and especially in women. There is confusion because there is a logical set of positive traits people want .... and a less obvious instinctual set humans are hard coded to be attracted to for survival. Modern culture seems to try to deny this despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

 

Society has romanced the idea of love and of what woman want so much that the real truth about sexual attraction has been lost. As children men are taught to be a good, honest, caring, respectful etc. They are told from day 1 to treat a women right and respect her and marry her and you will get a good one. You see the Disney cartoons of the white prince and all that garbage. A lot of Men these days have been programmed too far and have been brainwashed into thinking almost anything is disrespectful and they need to be complicit nice guys which is just wrong. A lot of guys when pursuing women are afraid to give women compliments, be direct about feelings or assertive about wanting to have sex with them because they are scared they will be labeled a sleaze or up for sexual harassment.

 

Human instinct is that women are attracted to guys who are strong, assertive, decisive, confident and sometimes overt about their attraction to her. It shows he can be a good protector, provider etc and also makes her feel wanted and empowered. You can see even from NomiMalone's comments in this thread that was the case with her interactions with this guy. Woman go for "bad guys" because often they have these traits. Whilst they may know he is a bad guy .... instinct is still attracted to those traits regardless.

 

Also in terms of the cheating side: People get confused between morally right and attraction. Even though we know from a moral perspective "cheating" is bad and wrong. For human beings affair sex is incredibly attractive on a sexual level. People try and deny that is true and make out like you should be instinctually repulsed by the idea of cheating .... but humans rarely are if they are attracted to the person. The danger, the fact you know it's wrong, doing something naughty - it all adds into the thrill. In the world of fantasy or porn the majority of people find fantasies about having sex with the babysitter or the pool guy a huge turn on. Yes morally it's wrong and our brain knows this .... but instinctively there is an attraction there for humans which is undeniable. Again my bet is even though on some level you knew cheating with the guy was wrong the idea was also a turn on and part of the reason you were attracted to him. I bet in your mind you had fantasied about how it might take place. That's actually a normal thing despite the moral outrage it causes if you admit that.

 

At the end of the day it's about being able to actually acknowledge and process that information - so you figure out why you feel the things you do so you can make a more informed decision. In this case you listened to your brain instead of your crotch

 

Justanaverageguy, I'm so grateful you chimed in. To begin, I suspected there had to be a scientific (psychological/biological) way to explain the mechanics of sexual attraction in women. Having read your post, I feel as thought many missing pieces of the puzzle have been found. As a woman, I can relate to an attraction to men who are as you described - strong, assertive, decisive etc, providers who aren't afraid to show their interest in a woman. (This also answered something else that's always puzzled me - why some women are innately attracted to men with wealth. It's not always because we are "shallow", it's due to this hired-wired instinct to gravitate towards men who appear to be able to provide, regardless of the fact that we may be capable of providing extremely well for ourselves.) So, in this aspect the Disney princes actually make a lot of sense - without fail, they're portrayed as courageous, decisive types, who rescue their damsels in distress to save the day. (What I think is misleading in Disney films, is their happy ever after endings. But that is a topic for another day.)

 

I need to clarify that I'm not repulsed by the idea of cheating (I've believed for awhile now that long-term relationships, and the monogamy it involves, are at odds with human nature, but that also is a topic for another day). What I'm repulsed by, is the idea of lying, deceit and causing pain to another person, i.e., the guy's fiancée. I imagined how devastated I'd feel if women I loved (my sister and my mother), were the victims of a cheating partner. And that was why I did not do it.

 

Having said that, I agree with you that affair sex, and the thrill of doing something forbidden, is attractive in itself.

 

[Haerts]

I've made that mistake once, to go out with a married man, because the chemistry we had was simply fantastic. I knew he is (was?) married, but I did it anyway, just once, and it was very good, but when I got home, I absolutely regretted it. He tried to see me again, but I just couldn't and I went NC. My mind got heavy thinking about how I helped someone with cheating on their partner, how I'd never wish that for me yet I did it to someone else. I believe people commit mistakes in life and this was one of mines. I certainly learned from it that one sex night is definitely not worth what's behind it. I know I wasn't the only girl either. You (me) are capable of something so much better than that. That one night was good, but what does it mean to me now? Nothing at all.

 

I'm really glad you didn't give in and didn't make the same mistake I did. Congrats on that!

[NomiMalone]

Hey Haerts, don't beat yourself up about it, you were just doing what felt natural to you. Plus, we all do things in our youth that we later realise wasn't the right thing to do - that's what youth is for

[Haerts]

Hey Haerts, don't beat yourself up about it, you were just doing what felt natural to you. Plus, we all do things in our youth that we later realise wasn't the right thing to do - that's what youth is for

 

Agreed! People do commit mistakes, but as long as they learn from them, I believe it ended up being something good. I've moved past that now and I certainly would never do that again.