Subtle Belittlement

[Kaiten]

I rarely talk about myself. I would actually consider myself humble. I am not the type to go about talking about everything I have done. I always prefer that someone ask.

 

Over the past few years, I have had a close friend make these subtle gestures and now that they have accumulated I am starting to see a pattern. The pattern goes: I mention something I've done, he says something to break down what I've done to its smallest form possible. He never congratulates.

 

Here are actual examples:

 

1. At one point, I was a correctional officer and it was like a huge deal to our friends. When I got the job he asked me: "So is your job pretty easy? Like could I just walk into where you work and do your job?"

 

2. Another time I got an invitation to an invite-only leadership conference that has a pretty prestigious name. (I got the invite by submitting an essay to a contest held by an event organizer) First thing my friend asked me was: "Did you win or did you just get an invite just because you wrote an essay?"

 

3. I was telling all the guys in our group about my dreams to "erect an empire and build a great business one day from nothing." He scoffed and said, "erect an empire, ha." as I finished.

 

Is there a term for people who do this? Also, he is my close friend, and he usually makes a huge deal out of even the smallest accomplishments of other people. To them, he is known as an encourager. To me, it's kinda the opposite, unfortunately.

 

I feel like he takes offense to my achievements and goal setting.

[writergal]

Your friend sounds like he's insecure about himself and is jealous/envious of you for all of your accomplishments. He doesn't sound like he's been a good friend to you at all.

 

Maybe it's time to consider dropping his friendship from your lifel as he seems to put you down every time you have something good to share.

 

No one needs or deserves naysayers like that in their life.

[Kaiten]

Thank you for your input, writergal. Honestly, I have felt this for a long time (longer than a year). But, as is often the case with those of us who participate in organized religion, I doubted myself.

 

You see, as I said before, he has been told that he is the encourager of people. Even the head pastor of our church has identified him as such in front of the whole congregation on a Sunday morning.

 

So do we agree, writergal, that his responses to the things I've done have negative undertones to them?

[Lani]

I agree with Writergal that this guy is likely just a little insecure and projecting that onto you.

 

I have a friend like this.

I honestly feel that she does love me and doesn't realise the things she's saying and how they may affect me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting.

She's part of my close network of friends so simply not being friends with her isn't an option. I just limit my interactions with her and try to only see her in a group setting when I know there will be other people to cheer me up if she's pulling me down.

 

What you do is your decision. But know that the issue here is more likely him than you.

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Kaiten.

Yes, he is trying to undermine your confidence, faith and trust in yourself, and trying to downplay your positives and accomplishments.

Yes, it is negative, and coming from somewhere within himself that does not want to see YOU succeed...or at very least, not rise above his level of success. (For reasons already stated: envy, jealousy, insecurity, lack of confidence, faith and trust in himself.)

 

Some people are just like that -- he is "feeding off" the negative energy that he's generating elsewhere (within YOU...and likely others), and it's actually the negativity that nourishes him and that he then can convert into the false projection of him being a positive influence and an "encourager".

 

Google 'false teachers' and 'impostors of the false hierarchy' and even 'emotional vampires' -- some people are just like this. We need to protect ourselves from such attacks on our Self and self-esteem...in decrees, prayers, affirmations...whatever you use.

 

Especially, protect yourself by NOT ALLOWING him (or anyone else) to put, into your thinking and feeling worlds, any doubt or fear or worry about your own strengths, talents, abilities and goodness!

 

Hugs and best.

[MCGar]

It is a possibility he's not aware that he's doing it. He might think that you and him have a relationship where ribbing and criticism is ok.

I'm not saying what he says is RIGHT at all! I just think it's a benefit to yourself and possibly the friendship if you talk to him about it.

 

"Hey friend, I notice you tend to give criticisms when I talk about what I do. You don't do that with others. What gives?"

 

I can guarantee that he'll be defensive and diminish what you say BUT talking to him about it gives you the experience of standing up for yourself with friends (a much needed skill that alot of people lack in relationships), and make HIM aware that his shenanigans are duly noted. He might watch what he says from then on. If he doesn't; you can say, "Stop with that crap, we already talked about this."

You can decide from there how much you want to distance yourself from him.

[preraph]

I think maybe the head pastor of your church, by telling him he is the encourager, is using a psychological ploy on him via suggestion, hoping it would encourage him to BE an encourager, because the pastor sees that he is the opposite of that. He sees he's a bit of a Debbie Downer and decides to try to turn that around by telling him his weakness is his strength, hoping he'll try to live up to that.

 

Now, I have to say just the examples you cited, I didn't find them that bad. Like the first two could just be practical curiosity. The last one, though, yeah, he was scoffing. And I do understand it depends the tone he uses.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I went through a really traumatic break up earlier this year(leading me to the sanctuary of LS) and went on a month long trip to Turkey. I like to travel. It really gets me out of myself and puts me in a very external frame of mind.

 

When I returned home, I hung out with my buddy Josh. Without going into specifics, after the first time being around him---I knew I had to "end" our friendship. I flat out told him my issues with him, which are very close to what you're describing. I didn't feel that respect was being reciprocated. He grew very angry and a lot of the feelings that I felt were underneath CAME OUT. It solidified my choice.

 

I didn't blame him. Unfortunately, it was just how our history and personality dynamics unfolded.

 

I think, ultimately, my break up caused me to reevaluate my own boundaries: how I treat people and how I allow people to treat me. My decision with Josh happened very subconsciously. But they say our subconscious guides our conscious.

 

Anyway, I think you know what you have to do.

[Kaiten]

Thanks, everyone for your replies. I must say that I have felt that I had that handful of people close to me who I didn't feel like wanted me to be successful. But I always tell myself "Get a grip. You're driving yourself mad."

 

I like your suggestion, Lani. In fact I already have severely limited my interactions with him lately.

 

Ronni, I used to think that it was just me. I'm glad that there are other people who've come before me who are willing to share their experiences with me. It's kind of a scary thought that he might do that to me of all people, seeing as up until recently, I never accomplished anything in life.

 

McGar, I have also considered this. Part of the reason why I've waited to post this for so long. However, I have remembered all the times where he has shown me how sensitive he can be. I also have several friendships where we rib each other all the time, but there are some places we just don't go. De facto rules you don't break, and in the event someone does actually get burned they always say something to me, or I to them.

[Kaiten]

Ah, Sycamore, I am sorry about the breakup. My friend and I have gotten into arguments before and if I was ever right, he would always just shut down and disappear. I guess over the years I learned that I couldn't have those conversations with him because he was too defensive.

 

It is as you say. I have learned to deal with him subconsciously and now I've just realized that he may not be who other people think he is.

[writergal]

The thing is, you have every right to expect to be treated with respect from your friends Kaiten. And this guy is not treating you with respect...at all. So it is good that you limited contact with him already. I see nothing wrong with asserting your boundaries with him too, if the next time that you see him, he starts scoffing or criticizing you again. If he refuses to acknowledge his bad behavior and refuses to apologize and change, then he's shown you that your emotional needs in the friendship for respect aren't a priority for him, and therefore he is not a good friend to have in your life.

 

I recently had to deal with a friend like your friend. My friend often belittled me or made fun of me when I shared an accomplishment with her. When I called her out on her behavior, and told her I was not okay with it and how it made me feel, instead of acknowledging that she does it and apologize, she wrote me a sarcastic email where she insulted me for having good boundaries with her. That showed me just how unbalanced the friendship was. I was a doormat in that friendship. Well, no more. I don't need friends like her in my life.

 

Friendships should be give and take, equal and both people should care about and respect the other person and be adult enough to apologize and admit their wrongdoings.

[Ronni_W]

It's kind of a scary thought that he might do that to me of all people, seeing as up until recently, I never accomplished anything in life.

AND he wants it to stay that way, it would seem.

 

However, Kaiten, I'm going to challenge you on that "up until recently, I never accomplished anything"-self-perception. In (capital-R) Reality, you won't EVER truly know when and where and how you've been a positive influence and made your positive contributions.

I'm guilty of same ...but that does not mean we ought pretend to know what we can't ever truly know.

McGar, I have also considered this. Part of the reason why I've waited to post this for so long. However, I have remembered all the times where he has shown me how sensitive he can be.

If he was TRULY sensitive, he would not be making those kinds of nasty, sarcastic, intended-to-sting remarks to you, that he makes.

OVER-sensitive is not 'sensitive' in a positive way; it's used to manipulate and it's an issue to work through in therapy . Also, sensitive-like-TNT is not 'sensitive', it's volatile/explosive...like defensiveness can be.

 

The fact that this guy has you where you won't call him on his crap because he is "sensitive", is crap! You're letting him manipulate/control you, AND you're not helping him grow by asking him for anything better than the inferior crap that he's dishing out.

 

At very least, tell him that if he wants to give it, then he needs to be at least man enough to take it.

[Tayla]

Usually there is a catalyst for this to happen. Without knowing the full conversation or the remarks that you both have shared , its unfair to assume that this friend is being anything other then the "bad Cop". Some of my closest friends keep me in check sometimes and that has kept me humble. Could it be that he is simply that one friend that is the "bad cop" and keeping you balanced in spirit? I assure you that if your instincts are telling you otherwise, then most definitely follow that path. Its not for any of us to support poor comments yet sometimes a change in how they say it can make the difference.

Example: Gosh that green coat looks hideous on you! , My response is: Hey your right! that color doesn't fair as well in this light. take yourself out of the equation and get to the meat and bones of the comment. Even though it may appear to be directed at you, its more then likely is an opportunity to direct it at the topic. Just an idea.

We each have less then stellar qualities and unless the person is being consistently crass or verbally abusive, then try to work thru this recent awareness that has surfaced.

Btw OP- Congrats on your achievements! You deserve to be acknowledged

[couchcushion]

I wouldn't rush to cut out your friend just yet. I like the idea of just saying, "dude, what's with the negative comments?". That might be enough to keep him in check.

 

Remember: his comments are probably a reflection of him, not of you. He has his own issues.

 

But also, in keeping with Tayla's comment, reflect some on your own behaviour. You probably don't do anything to attract the comments, but good to give it a quick thought.

[SpiralOut]

I've dealt with that. Had a friend who was wonderful and encouraging when I was down, but if something good happened for me he became sarcastic and belittling.

 

 

I think maybe your friend is the type who enjoys encouraging others who are down.... so long as he thinks they won't rise to his "level." It's an ego boost. Someone as accomplished as you is too much for him, he feels insecure so he tries to take you down a notch or two, letting you know he doesn't think you are all that great.

 

 

I lacked the balls (or female equivalent - ovaries?) at the time to talk to him about it. Looking back, I wish that I had, though I don't think it would have done much good. I would sure feel better knowing that I at least stood up for myself. I let things drift apart. I've tried reconnecting with him a few times since then in the hopes that he had changed. He is just as negative as before, which is odd because he has a girlfriend who is crazy about him. You'd think that would put the guy in at least a BIT of a better mood, but nope.

Edited November 6, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Kaiten]

These are all good comments and I have to say that it feels good to have two things:

 

You guys challenge my thinking and consider more than one solution to a problem

 

and two, I'm not the only one who experiences these things.

 

This is the entire reason that this forum exists. I have read all your comments. Thanks so much for the discussion!

 

You said it very well SpiralOut. I did specifically think that he was at one time a great encourager. This was years ago when I had not *****. But I do not brag on myself and I honestly won't consider any of my achievements noteworthy until I finish this second book I'm writing and build an app. I set my own goals for myself.

 

thanks again for the comments.

[jonsnuh]

I rarely talk about myself. I would actually consider myself humble. I am not the type to go about talking about everything I have done. I always prefer that someone ask.

 

Over the past few years, I have had a close friend make these subtle gestures and now that they have accumulated I am starting to see a pattern. The pattern goes: I mention something I've done, he says something to break down what I've done to its smallest form possible. He never congratulates.

 

Here are actual examples:

 

1. At one point, I was a correctional officer and it was like a huge deal to our friends. When I got the job he asked me: "So is your job pretty easy? Like could I just walk into where you work and do your job?"

 

2. Another time I got an invitation to an invite-only leadership conference that has a pretty prestigious name. (I got the invite by submitting an essay to a contest held by an event organizer) First thing my friend asked me was: "Did you win or did you just get an invite just because you wrote an essay?"

 

3. I was telling all the guys in our group about my dreams to "erect an empire and build a great business one day from nothing." He scoffed and said, "erect an empire, ha." as I finished.

 

Is there a term for people who do this? Also, he is my close friend, and he usually makes a huge deal out of even the smallest accomplishments of other people. To them, he is known as an encourager. To me, it's kinda the opposite, unfortunately.

 

I feel like he takes offense to my achievements and goal setting.

 

Don't put up with put downs. He's not someone you need in your life. Find friends who celebrate your successes, and support you when you're down. Your self-esteem might need a little strengthening. And plus, don't overthink things. You'll be much happier.