Am I wrong in thinking that it should be okay to have a friend that is a woman?

[Debster]

I have some male friends. My husband has some female friends. We made sure that when there is a friend of the opposite sex, that the other gets to meet them. That way, it puts a face to the husband/wife and ensures that they know that we are happily married. It also helps the other to know who the person is talking about and to have met. My husband has some female friends who I don't like. They are in essence, his 'guy friends' and we have nothing in common. I tell him that if he wants to get together with them, that's fine but that I don't need to be there. My husband also has some female friends I do like and sometimes I'll join them and sometimes I won't.

 

The point is - my husband is free to make friends - whether or not I, personally, like them.

 

The difference is that at no time do I feel threatened or insecure about them. Maybe it's because my husband makes sure to include me or have me get to know them. However, if I did feel insecure or threatened, the difference would be my husband would listen to me and, together, we would work it out. Depending on how insecure I was, it might be that he ends the friendship. The key is the relationship between the two of us and nothing and noone should come between that or put a strain on it. IMO, If I am continuing a friendship (or he is) that is making my husband uncomfortable - that is wrong.

 

I should note that when I joined Loveshack it was because I was insecure in an old relationship. The fact that I am not insecure in my marriage shows that an insecure person can overcome their fears if their partner respects them, earned their trust and puts boundaries in place.

[jmargel]

I have done nothing for her to be insecure about my marriage with her. On the other hand she has done somethings in the past that has tested my trust in her. I have asked my wife to go out with them, since we don't have many friends in the area. Stacey lives in a city where my wife & I used to go to alot to go dancing, etc.. Stacey is into that as well, so I figured it would all give us a chance to do something fun.

 

I am not hiding anything behind my wife's back, but when she basically accuses me of awful things, why am I going to subject myself to that kind of behavior again by telling her I still email her now & then, when I know I don't deserve that?

[Debster]

Jmargel, it seems to be more of a trust issue. If you say you have done nothing to make her not trust you, why do you think she's acting this way? Has she always been insecure or is this a new thing?

[jade_nc]

i think this is one of the things that i find most confusing about my husband.

 

he thinks that being open and honest and having a trusting relationship means that IF i happen to ask the right question he'll tell me the truth. and that he's not hiding anything if he does. what does that tell me?? it tells me that if i want to know what's going on, i have to continually question his actions, motivations, whereabouts, etc. because if i don't - i might not KNOW what questions i should be asking.

 

jmargel - why is it that you are the one in your relationship that gets to decide what behavior is or is not "rational"?

[Debster]

good point, jade nc

[blind_otter]

I've asked this before - is it realistic to expect your partner to get all their fulfillment and personal satisfaction from one relationship? Why is it ok for them to get fulfillment from same-sex rather than opposite sex friendships?

 

My best friend R is a girl....but I have had partners in the past who were very jealous of my close friendship with her, that we talk every day and go out to eat with each others families, etc.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I've asked this before - is it realistic to expect your partner to get all their fulfillment and personal satisfaction from one relationship? Why is it ok for them to get fulfillment from same-sex rather than opposite sex friendships?

 

My best friend R is a girl....but I have had partners in the past who were very jealous of my close friendship with her, that we talk every day and go out to eat with each others families, etc.

 

Very good point

[jmargel]

Originally posted by jade_nc

i think this is one of the things that i find most confusing about my husband.

 

he thinks that being open and honest and having a trusting relationship means that IF i happen to ask the right question he'll tell me the truth. and that he's not hiding anything if he does. what does that tell me?? it tells me that if i want to know what's going on, i have to continually question his actions, motivations, whereabouts, etc. because if i don't - i might not KNOW what questions i should be asking.

 

jmargel - why is it that you are the one in your relationship that gets to decide what behavior is or is not "rational"?

 

For the other poster I don't know why she is insecure. She has always told me that she wouldn't mind other women talking to me, etc.. She has gone as far as wanting a fantasy involving a 3 some with me & another chick. When we went to marriage counseling the counselor told me she is insecure, and just two weeks ago, my cousin (who's a spiritualist), did a reading on her. She never met Brandy before. She nailed her personality, her past. One thing she did tell us that she was insecure and needs lots of love & affection (weird though, my wife isn't a true mushy person). She also told us she can't be so hard on me and that communication must always be open.

 

As for Jade. For me it's "irrational" for her to act this way towards me. If the roles were reversed I would honestly look back and really see if the problem was with me being insecure or not. She however won't do this. Very rarely she admits she's wrong or apologizes. I think perhaps maybe the things she did to me in the past has now caused her some uncomfortableness. However, that's not my problem, she is the one who contributed to that.

 

My intentions are pure and I believe so is Stacey's. I am not going to withdrawl from society just because someone has issues that they need to work out on themselves. I dealt with this, with my ex-fiancee. I didn't see my friends for over 4 years because of her not wanting me too. I couldn't even get my haircut without the woman noticing glares from my ex. I refuse to live that way again.

[whichwayisup]

I think perhaps maybe the things she did to me in the past has now caused her some uncomfortableness. However, that's not my problem, she is the one who contributed to that.

 

I think you just nailed the problem. It's what SHE did and she hasn't been able to move on from it and let go... Maybe even forgive herself and she's reflecting her fears on to you and MAKING issues than are not necessarily true.

 

With her insecurity I guess you need to keep reaffirming her that you love her and only her. Does she mind you doing your own things? meaning going out for an evening with the boys or having alone time? Just curious.

[jmargel]

Oh she's fine with me going out by myself. She's told me a couple of times to head out to a bar with my brother. I often goto a bar myself without her when she's working. She's completely fine with that. That's why it kinda threw me for a loop the way she acted when I told her about Stacey.

[jade_nc]

is it realistic to expect your partner to get all their fulfillment and personal satisfaction from one relationship? Why is it ok for them to get fulfillment from same-sex rather than opposite sex friendships?

 

not at all.....and i believe that we all need friendships of both sexes. i have very good male and female friends - for a reason, they all offer a different POV. everyone should have that. i just don't think it should be at the cost of you SO's feelings.....whether or not those feelings are justified in your own mind.

 

my husband's best friend happens to be female. i would never deny him of that relationship.

 

am not going to withdrawl from society just because someone has issues that they need to work out on themselves. I dealt with this, with my ex-fiancee. I didn't see my friends for over 4 years because of her not wanting me too. I couldn't even get my haircut without the woman noticing glares from my ex. I refuse to live that way again.

 

it sounds like you already are........are you certain it's not your own fear of being in the same type of relationship that you had with your ex that's motivating you?

[binturong]

Remember, Jmargel, this is your WIFE you're talking about. Not some random woman on the street.

I am not going to withdrawl from society just because someone has issues that they need to work out on themselves.

Nobody is asking you to withdraw from society, but can't you maybe HELP your wife overcome her insecurities? Instead of sneaking around (which you are doing) and contacting another woman (whether or not she's happily married), maybe you could spend a little more time giving your wife more love and affection. So if three months down the line, your wife wonders whatever happened with Stacy, are you going to say "I've been emailing her this whole time, she's great!" And if so, what do you think that'll do for her insecurities?

I think perhaps maybe the things she did to me in the past has now caused her some uncomfortableness. However, that's not my problem, she is the one who contributed to that.

Maybe she did make some mistakes, but IMO, you're married now. Her problems are your problems too and I don't think it's reasonable for you to just expect her to get over it because you say she should. We all know it's not that easy.

[jmargel]

Instead of sneaking around (which you are doing) and contacting another woman (whether or not she's happily married), maybe you could spend a little more time giving your wife more love and affection.

 

I give her nothing but love! How dare you make accusations about me not giving my wife enough love & attention just because I wanted to chat now & then to an old HS friend. By me telling her I won't contact Stacey again is giving into her insecurities and making it worse.

 

I am not sneaking around. If my wife asks I will tell her the truth.

 

As far as "her" mistakes it was a "mistake" that she started before the marriage and continued to happen after we were married.

 

are you certain it's not your own fear of being in the same type of relationship that you had with your ex that's motivating you?

 

Yes I am certain. She is just an old HS friend that I wanted to chat with now & then. My god.. Do you guys have any more interoggation?

 

Unjust things might have happened to you all in the past, but that does not mean every guy out there nor woman has other motives than just being friendly with one another.

[binturong]

By me telling her I won't contact Stacey again is giving into her insecurities and making it worse.

Actually, I think it'll make her feel more secure because you'll be choosing to make her happy instead of fighting over some woman who you said really means nothing to you. You weren't close friends in high school, so what are you losing, really? Aside from some weird sense of freedom you happen to be getting by making your wife unhappy. She made a mistake and now she needs to pay?

 

And for the record, I didn't make any accusations. I was going by your previous post in which you said your cousin mentioned that your wife needs a lot of love and affection. So I said that maybe you could do that! WTF is wrong with you?

 

You know, I really couldn't care less whether or not you have a girl friend. As I said, I have friends of the opposite sex, one of whom I am very close to. And my husband has female friends. Big deal. But I think the fact that you're making such a huge deal out of someone who never meant anything to you is strange. It's almost as if you're just doing it to try to prove something to somebody. Who? I don't know. But I do know that if it ever came down to making my husband happy or gossiping with a random person I hadn't talked to in a decade, it'd be a no brainer. It's not a matter of you being friendly with Stacey. It's a matter of you making your wife unhappy.

[Debster]

As far as "her" mistakes it was a "mistake" that she started before the marriage and continued to happen after we were married.

 

Ok, I'll bite: what was the mistake?

 

I'll admit part of it is curiousity, but the other part is the fact that I think you are retaliating and being hostile to your wife for some reason and I think the 'mistake' might be the reason. And as for why I think you are retailiating - it's a sense I get out of your posts and the fact that you were referring to your wife as 'someone'.

[jmargel]

Oh I see.. I have this secret motive that I want to hurt my wife. You two are way over-analyzing this. Stacey never meant anything more to me than just being a friend. So I can't be friends with her because of this? Oh wait.. If she was an ex-gf I couldnt be friends with her then either. So what are the prequisites for me to have her as a friend?

 

Yet, you say you let your husband have females friends, yet you are so admitant about me not having one? Telling my wife I won't have contact with her anymore is not going to help her insecurity. I did this with my ex, she had this problem and I just fed into it by following her "rules". Yet she was allowed to go bar hopping with her mom and having guys buy her drinks.

 

And for the record, I didn't make any accusations. I was going by your previous post in which you said your cousin mentioned that your wife needs a lot of love and affection. So I said that maybe you could do that! WTF is wrong with you?

 

You did not say it in this context in regards to what my cousin had mentioned. Nothing is wrong with me, but I am not going to sit here and belittled by your accusations.

 

And this has nothing to do with freedom. I have my freedom. If I wanted to ultimate freedom I would be single. However I love & enjoy being with my wife. But part of my personality is being friendly and appreciating other people's company. Nothing is wrong with that. Maybe I should just live in a bubble since it will suit all of you?

 

As in terms of what was her mistake?

 

She kept in contact by phone with her ex-bf while we were engaged. It happened sporactily, once where they met in person. This stopped a number of months before our marriage. Soon after (2 months) contact started once again and they met twice. I gave her the ultamatium. I also told her if it happens again the marriage is over. I believe her when she said she didn't cheat but I won't be disrespected or compete in my own marriage. I have put that in the past however.

 

Maybe she's upset something like that might happen with me & Stacey. I don't know. But that is really not my problem. She was the one that did wrong. My intentions of having contact with Stacey is not because of this, but because she was a friend.

 

People make the out the word 'friend' to be an awful thing. I mean alot of people of opposite sexes on here are 'friends' aren't they? Don't they devulge their life secrets to others on here? Can't attachments take place? What's the difference between email and this forum.. None.

[whichwayisup]

She kept in contact by phone with her ex-bf while we were engaged. It happened sporactily, once where they met in person. This stopped a number of months before our marriage. Soon after (2 months) contact started once again and they met twice. I gave her the ultamatium. I also told her if it happens again the marriage is over. I believe her when she said she didn't cheat but I won't be disrespected or compete in my own marriage. I have put that in the past however.

 

Maybe she's upset something like that might happen with me & Stacey. I don't know. But that is really not my problem. She was the one that did wrong. My intentions of having contact with Stacey is not because of this, but because she was a friend.

 

I think you could be right there too JM, she could still feel bad about the past and reflecting it on you. Her past mistakes are hers, but that doesn't mean that you're going to do the same thing. She needs to forgive herself and totally put it in the past -Move on from it as you have.

 

Talk to her about it and see what she says? Just a suggestion.

 

I remember a while back my hubby was going out to lunch once a week with a woman he worked with. I knew her abit as well, but all I did was tell him ' make sure she knows that you and I are together' and he did. He also reassured me that he didn't like her like that but he really did enjoy her company. Secretly it bugged me because she is flipping gorgeous, big boobs, blonde and very very nice. I got to know her abit more and realized why he liked her! Doesn't bother me at all now. I know that nothing would ever happen between them and she isn't going to jeopardize his kindness (he does nice things for people and helps them out with their computers etc too) and ruin a co-worker friendship either.

 

Every now and then I love to tease him about her, he does blush!! But that's okay. I think a little healthy crush or soft spot for someone is nice as long as it doesn't go any further than that. We can't always control what we may/may not feel for somebody around us that we see 9 hours a day and 5 days a week. Just dont' DO anything to feed into it and make it grow. ... Potiental is always out there for each of us, and it's up to us to say NO -Back off, I'm married! ya know how it goes...

 

Have a good afternoon JM. Sorry if I sounded abit pissy in previous posts, didn't mean to...I think that the original poster ain't coming back after all of us stealing his thread eh???

[binturong]

All just my opinion, but if you and Stacey had been such great friends in high school, you never would have lost touch and then this whole thing wouldn't be an issue. You said you weren't close friends, so again, why the need to pick a battle with your wife over some woman who never meant anything to you? And by "meant anything to you" I mean someone you never considered a close friend.

I won't be disrespected or compete in my own marriage.

Don't you think you're maybe disrespecting your wife right now? She's insecure, so instead of trying to make her feel better about this friendship, you're just not going to talk to her about it. Instead of trying to make her understand why you want to be friends with Stacey, you just want her to roll over and say "okay". And then you disregard her feelings about the situation because you don't think they're valid. I don't know how many times I have to say it...I don't give a s*** about you having a female friend. I'm just baffled by the fact that you are deliberately upsetting your wife.

 

Maybe she's upset something like that might happen with me & Stacey.

Something like what might happen with you and Stacey? You said she called her ex-BF, talked to him on the phone, and saw him a couple of times. That's pretty much what you want to have with Stacey, right? Yeah, she's not your ex-GF or anything, but you say your wife didn't cheat, so I don't understand the comparison here.

 

And frankly, I don't "let" my husband do anything. He's a grown man and doesn't need permission from me. If he was doing something that bothered me, I would tell him and we would figure out what to do about it together...and vice versa.

[jmargel]

See there you go accusing me again. When I meant to see Stacey, I meant that her, her husband, me and my wife all go out TOGETHER. Me & my wife don't have hardly any contact with any friends. When we go out, it's by ourselves. She has mentioned a number of times it would be nice to go out with other people, so I thought this would be perfect. I could have made a new friend with Stacey's husband as well.

 

So if Stacey was a "close" friend it would make all the difference in the world? I see, you have to be a "close friend" but not an ex or just a "friend" to make it so that they can be a friend again later in life. If I upset my wife about this then she needs to take a close look on why she is over-reacting. So I am not to suppose to have any female friends or even be nice to them because of what my wife did to me previously? Bull****.

 

I lived in a bubble because of my ex's insecurities and all it did was isolate me from my friends and in the end she had her cheating affair with my now (ex) best friend. I am not keeping anything from my wife, I asked her if she wanted me to stop contact with her and she didn't say yes or no. She said she didn't want to go out with them which I respected. If she asks me if I still have contact with Stacey I will tell her Yes. However, I am not going to bring the subject upto her because of the way *I* was treated when I did.

[Debster]

Oh I see.. I have this secret motive that I want to hurt my wife.

 

It seems like it. After all, it's not that far-fetched, is it?

Your wife communicates with an ex while you are engaged and hides it. Then starts it after you two are married and keeps it a secret and meets him. Who wouldn't be pissed about that? It does seem a bit odd that you are reacting so angrily to posts by people who are just offering their opinion as to why you would ignore your wife's concern over you contacting someone else.

 

But part of my personality is being friendly and appreciating other people's company. Nothing is wrong with that. Maybe I should just live in a bubble since it will suit all of you?

Then why was it wrong for your wife, or a 'mistake' but just appreciating other people's company when it comes to you. Isn't that a double standard?

The bubble comment is stupid. Jeez.

[jmargel]

I did not contact Stacey to begin with. We met in the mall while Xmas shopping. A couple months later she emailed me. There is no other purpose to email her now & then, then to just be friends. She was never an ex-gf, never started **** with me like my wife's ex did, or has shown any other interest then just being a friend.

 

Just because you were jaded in the past by something like this doesn't mean it happens all the time. There is no way I would want to be married or be in a relationship with someone who is controlling or doesn't trust me, especially since I have done nothing wrong.

[binturong]

Originally posted by Jmargel

There is always the chance that the other spouse is just a 'bad' person, who is selfish for no other reason but their own, but taking a closer look this happens very few times, believe it or not. When one person is cheated on that is their first instinct of thought/feeling. In fact that would probably be my first reaction too, but taking a step back and looking at the situation one can find the following:

 

- The ability to have effective, good communication between the spouses or mates. It's easy to just talk to your SO, but to truly understand what they are saying and taking it to heart when appropirate. Also the ability to take critism from another spouse without getting into an argument.

 

Here is usually what starts an argument:

 

- Wife says to Husband about something that is bothering her on what he's doing, or perhaps he's not doing enough of. It bothers your wife that you are regularly emailing another woman

- In any event of what her negative comment was about, the husband feels like he disappointed her. Men HATE this feeling. Men are suppose to be the knights in shining armor. Men love feeling looked at with amouration.

 

- When men feel this disappointment, we go into self-defense mode. We try to explain to you why YOU shouldn't feel this way. You explained to us why you think her feelings are irrational and therefore not valid.

- Women, unknowing of how we hate feeling this disappointment, sees their spouse as just plain not understanding the situation, which then in turn makes her feel like her point is not validated, or something that is not worth his attention. Her point is not validated. You tried to invalidate it by bringing up something from the past that she has stopped doing. IMO, you're not trying to understand the situation. You want what you want and that's all there is to it.

- Woman gets upset, which just makes the disappointment and confusion for the man even greater, thus getting him upset.

 

- Arguement starts.

 

This all lays now with the person receiving the negative comment, or critism. When your receiving a comment like this, instead of first saying on WHY they shouldn't feel this way the best thing to do is tell your mate 'I understand, and looking back I could have done things different', but then state your case in a non-threatening way.

 

By telling your SO 'I understand' you actually disarm them. You totally shut down any defenses they have prepared before even telling you how they feel. Especially if there has been alot of argueing going on in the past. They feel validated, and understood. Which makes them more open to your suggestions about the situation.

[EnigmaXOXO]

J…

 

Can you remember back to your earlier posts; before you got married; when you were feeling terribly uncomfortable and insecure about Brandy's friendship with a particular fellow?

 

Try to remember what that felt like if you can reconnect with those emotions, because it's probably exactly what Brandy is feeling right now. Remember…"Empathy."

 

I think if it is now become 'okay' with you that Brandy foster friendships with other males, then it should also be 'okay' for you to foster friendships with other females. No double standards. But I think you are also intuitive and intelligent enough to know that there is a very fine line between "privacy" and "secrecy." Once two people begin hiding things from each other, or keeping "secrets" so as not to rock the boat, it is no longer an innocent "friendship", but rather it becomes real threat to you relationship and intimacy.

 

I may be waaaay off…but I'm wondering if the two of you may be playing some dangerous jealousy games with each other. You know: she's doing it so I'm going to do it too so she knows exactly how it feels. I'm guilty of having played that card myself a few times in the past when all the talking in the world didn't help to get the point across.

 

I think you're rekindled friendship with this woman is fine, so long as Brandy remains included in all aspects of it…not just the parts you're comfortable with. Let her read your correspondence. Invite her along when you and your friend arrange to hang out together. Also remember to include your friend's husband. Hang out together as "couples" and encourage everyone to get to know each other. That will nurture 'trust' rather than breeding suspicion and insecurities.

 

Being married DOES change things. And it's not so much about being 'controlled' as it is having to always consider that second person in your life. You’re a 'team' now and have to present yourself to the world as such if you want to protect that relationship and survive the long haul.

 

And that goes BOTH ways.

[7on]

Well, my dad's affair just started out with being friends with a woman. Women are tricky - and can take advantage of men with thier prowess.

 

Unless the female friends are mutal friends of the wife - I do not think married men should have female friends. I've already planned to end all friendships with all the women I know immediately when I get married... but that's not for a while considering I lack a girlfriend even.

 

 

Even when the man's intent is pure of heart, the woman could be a scheming bitch just wanting a quick bang.

[jmargel]

I agree we are a team and she comes first above everyone. However it also takes two to tango and when one party is not interested in pursuing anything further than nothing will happen.

 

I have invited Brandy to join them in going out. She is allowed to read my emails if she wants. However I do not and won't accept the feeling like I am doing something wrong. I have done nothing to her for her to feel like I would cheat. When she decided to have continued contact with her ex who was adiment in wanting her back, she created her own problems. It is not my problem she might be feeling the way she does now because of what *she* did in the past.

 

Me wanting to chat w/ Stacey now & then has nothing to do with that. She was an old friend from school. I grew up with her. She is allowed to have other friendships with males, except her ex. I do not agree on having contact with an ex. I don't do with mine..

 

7on, that's the wrong approach to take. All that is saying to your gf/wife that you can't be trusted. My wife married me for my personality. Why would she want to change me? I'm an outgoing, friendly person. Trying to force me to change into someone I am not is only going to result in a failed marriage. Let me be the person I am and show your love to me by trusting me.