Am I wrong in thinking that it should be okay to have a friend that is a woman?

[izzybelle]

7on -

 

although i understand your attitude, because of your dad's affair, i still find it somewhat disturbing. to categorize women as being tricky and manipulative? if you really feel that way, why would you even want or expect to ever have a girlfriend?

 

and if you have female friends now, i hope you're upfront and honest with them that as soon, or if, you do get a girlfriend that you're going to drop them like a hot potato.

 

yes, that special person in your life, their needs, wants, desires, feelings, time, etc. needs to be first but it is possible to find a balance. when we become someones partner it becomes just that, a partnership. we don't suddenly cease being our own person with our own friends. yes, some friendships, both opposite and same sex can become problematic, but as adults we should be able to act responsibly and approprately without having to give up our life before that SO came into the picture. if you sacrifice too much of yourself you risk becoming resentful of giving up too much for another person and also, if you've ditched all your friends for someone else and then that relationship doesn't work out...where does that leave you?

 

when my marriage was ending my exH turned to friends for support. not a problem, they were instrumental in helping him through that difficult time. when he became serious with his now fiance, those friends were dropped, and i can't begin to tell you how much that hurt them. they felt used and it's created a rift between them. relationships, marriage or friendships are all important. i hope for your sake, and for your future SO, that you are able to find a balance that works.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Izzy 7on. I've been reading some of your other posts and you have alot of anger towards women. Saying that all women are 'skanks' really isn't fair, is it? You don't know me at all...And infact I have replied to some of your posts and thought I've given you some helpful information as it seems that you have some issues that should be talked about with a therapist.

 

People pick up on vibes 7on, and if you definately feel this way towards women, chances are they pick up on that negative energy.

 

You are a good looking guy from what your pictures on here have shown and you have to learn to love yourself and build on that self confidence. If you don't feel good about yourself, how are you going to believe a woman who is into you?

 

Take care 7on.

[RiptideHD]

Hello Everyone,

 

Though I thought the advise given was good and made a lot of sense, I continued to peruse my friendship with Stacey.

 

Before I met my wife, I had a few very good girlfriends (friends that were girls). I made the mistake of mentioning to my wife that there were times that I had wished that these women were more than just friends. Of course she didn't like that and the idea of me talking to women that I wanted to date once upon a time made here very insecure, so I stopped associating with them. I have regretted that decision since the day I made it and still wonder what those women are doing. The point I'd like to make is that the only difference between a male friend and a female friend is that I would never consider dating a male friend, but if there was a woman that I had a lot in common with and she was very nice, didn't drink, didn't smoke, ect. Why wouldn't a single guy think about taking things to the next level.

 

Don't you think that if my wife really trusted me that she would understand that I would never cheat on her with Stacey? Even if Stacey did like me in a way that was a little bit above and beyond friendship, I wouldn't want to destroy everything that my wife and I have worked to build. I love my wife with all my heart, but I am a little resentful that I have had to leave truly good friends behind and because she is asking me to leave behind another TRUELY good person.

 

In the beginning I wasn't sure how to explain these feelings to Katie (wife). I wanted so badly for her to get to know Stace like a few of the previous posters had mentioned. If Kate had just opened here eyes and made friends, I wouldn't have felt compelled to go behind her back to get to know Stacey better.

 

So here are the tremendous mistakes that I have made and this is why my wife left me last night... I feel like an ass, but I'm also wondering, if things were so perfect with our marriage and Katie loved me with all of her heart, why wouldn't she open her mind to what I was asking her?

 

1. I met Stace, she is really a very good person, one that I didn't want to go by without noticing me. So I started to dress a little nicer when I knew she was going to be around. If a person is really excited to get to know someone, isn't it only natural to try and impress them a little. I mean, it doesn't have to be someone that you are trying to peruse and a girlfriend. I think that it's normal to try and impress people that you would like to be friends with. The real bane of this was the cologne that I had started wearing. It wasn't very often that I wore cologne, and this made Kate suspicious, which in her position, I would have been to. Before I started my second semester in school, I always dressed to kill. I liked to impress people and I did, but I became complacent and started to slack off. The second semester was nothing but blue jeans and sweatshirts until I met Stace. (Here is some more info: Stace is also my flight instructor in school. She took the job shortly after my instructor was hired on to bigger and better things and she was contacted by the director of our program since she was an alumni of the program herself-I had nothing to do with this, it just happened and I was excited that someone that I looked up to and had a reputation of being and excellent pilot at the school was going to be my instructor.) So I dressed to kill to look good for the person that I really wanted to impress, not because I wanted to date her, because she is a good person and I didn’t want her to think I was a scrub that didn’t care. Kate had asked me about the cologne and not knowing how to explain, I told her that I just wanted to impress my instructors.

2. Two nights ago I went out to the bars with Brian and Stacey. Of course I did the wrong thing and told my wife that I was only going with Brian. I knew that she would flip out if I even mentioned Stacey’s name. Since the last time I’ve posted, Stacey and I have really become good friends, and my wife and I have become a rocky issue. The more I think about leaving behind people that I really like (good people with good values that I have a lot of things in common with), the more I resent Kate for making me make that decision and for wanted me to not talk to Stacey. It’s not fair that I’m asked to only have friends that are guys, if Stacey were a guy that I really wanted go be friends with I would have tried to impress him to, but guys do different things to impress or interest each other. I think married men should be able to have women that are good friends and just because things are not historically written that way, doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t have an open enough mind to see how important to me this is. I love Kate with all my heart, and would never let things get out of hand, so I thought it would be all right to go to a bar and shoot pool with these friends from work. I was so wrong in Katie’s eyes.

3. I lied to her, not just once, but twice, and now don’t know if I will every be able to earn her trust back. I find myself wondering if this is for the better. We were falling apart. I was finding it difficult to show her affection. I was always thinking about wanting to share everyting that happened to me during the day with her and how Stacey was teaching me a lot and how we were getting to know each other. I know that she wouldn’t have liked to hear about that last part, but If we were all friends like I wanted in the beginning, Kate would have gotten to know her as well as I know her now and none of this would have happened because Stacey would have been our mutual friend.

 

So here I am, alone the day after I confessed to Katie and told her about my growing resentment and about playing pool and the reason I started wearing the cologne. I love my wife, but even though she loves me to, I’m not sure that we are going to be able to get through this one.

 

All of this has happened, and I don’t even know if Stacey sees me as good a friend as I see her. She is an amazing person, but I think the reason I did all of this wasn’t because I couldn’t walk away from a friendship with Stacey. It was because I couldn’t keep letting good people slip away because of my wife’s lack of trust. Stacey was caught in the middle and I’m sure feels very strange. I think the reason I wanted to hang out with her was to try and find something wrong, find a reason that would make her not worth centering this ordeal around, but she really is a great person, and the three of us had a great time out.

 

I’ll stop now. I’ll try to make my point of view clear as the posts come in, but I really don’t expect any of you to understand.

 

R-HD

[jmargel]

Riptide I take it you read my posts about my friend stacey on here. Anyway, I believe even you went too far. Wearing colgne and "dressing to kill' is your way of getting Stacey to notice you in more than just a friendly way. You wanted her to become attracted to you. This is where your wife is upset and rightfully so. Also, lying to her about going out to the bar with just Brian. How would you feel if she did this to you? Dressed sexy, wore different alluring perfume, going out with another guy to a bar.

 

Even though the Stacey I know is a friend, I would never go out with her or try to impress her because the only one I do want to impress is my wife. Your wife Katie has shown you unconditional love and support. Someone who is a friend and there for you and wants to be with you. You have alot more with Katie than this Stacey. Also, what's to tell Katie that this won't happen again with another woman down the road? Is this action the future of what is to become?

 

Katie has every right to not want to be in a relationship where lying and deceit takes place. It's not her fault of being insecure, it's your fault for getting her there. If you want to work things out with your wife, see a marriage counselor and stop these games with Stacey. No sense in playing them if you don't want to pursue something more with her. In your post you try to give justification on why all this happened. The only justification is that you went way too far in this.

 

There's a fine line that you should not crossed, and I and your wife believe you did cross it.

[jade_nc]

get REAL.

 

first, let me clarify where i'm coming from - my H's best friend happens to be a woman.

 

he does NOT get dressed up to impress her. he does NOT change his daily personal care routine to include or exclude cologne based on whether or not he's going to see her. he does NOT lie to me about stopping by her house or going out to shoot pool with her.

 

you need to start getting real with yourself about your TRUE feelings for stacy. that's why Kate left. if she started wearing clothes to show off her body, getting her make-up, hair and nails done everytime she went to see some other man that she just wanted to "impress" and "get to know better" how would you feel?

[jmargel]

Exactly. And besides RipTide you choosing Stacey over Katie by doing these things, well to Stacey this is just all a game. It's an ego boost to her and when you do talk to Stacey telling her Katie left you, I can guarantee Stacey is going to back off alot and then give you the 'I am only a friend' speech. Then you will be left with NOTHING.

[Ladyjane14]

You can twist it up anyway you like....but the truth is that you met an attractive woman and acted on your urge to explore a relationship with her. You can call it friendship if that makes it more palatable for you, but it's not very nice to accuse your wife of insecurity just because she was more astute.

 

Now she's alone, and pregnant, and probably looking at a lifetime of single-parenting because YOU had to put your own wants above her needs. That's sad, and if you could get over your urge to rationalize your behavior, you'd be able to see that.

 

Your growing family, and your wife should have been your TOP PRIORITY. You prioritized yourself instead. It's understandable to some degree. You're probably feeling a bit scared and overwhelmed in regards to the changes in your life.

 

We can understand that, while reading your posts on our computer screens. But I seriously doubt that she's in a position to be understanding. From her POV, she's been victimized by your abandonment when she needed you.

 

She's pregnant, and facing not only the delivery, but a lifetime of motherhood....and her man just flaked out on her.

[RiptideHD]

Your all right. I see it, and I saw it coming. Not only did I not try to avoid it, I encouraged it. Why? It's all a farse, a reason for me to run. I do need to run, back to Kate. I feel confused and alone. I deserve this. I need to think for a while. Once again, thank you for your prompt responses. You are good people.

 

R

[Ladyjane14]

You messed up. But she loves you and she'll probably take you back.

 

Get some help this time on dealing with those insecurities. It's terrifying to take command of an entire family. You're not the first young man who freaked out and did something goofy.

[jmargel]

I believe you need to talk to Kate about going to Marriage counseling. There are two reasons I can think of that the reason why you might do this. One is because you & her are having problems in the marriage. Could be stress of the upcoming baby, the marriage itself or possible that the "puppy dog" love has worn off. That things have been complacent (as it same old, same old). Stacey is new, you don't know much about her she's all fun & happy. However you haven't seen stacey when she's mad, upset, PMSing. You don't know her intentions as well.

 

The other reason why could be purely selfish. It's an ego boost. It's flattering even when your married, that a woman comes upto you and compliments you or finds interest in you. If you are not getting that from your wife then of course you will be looking for it in someone else. Even though you are married, you still need the attention & love that you got before. However it works both ways. If you don't show & give the love then you can't expect to get it back. Goto marriagebuilders.com and read what they talk about in regards to the love bank.

 

You are right you have alot of thinking to do. You didn't cheat on your wife but you did hurt her. It's time you two start building on better communication skills.

[whichwayisup]

Seems like alot is lacking in your marriage. To knowingly pursue another woman - Want her to want you - whatever those reasons are is more proof that your marriage is missing something. You aren't getting it from your wife, that is for sure. If you were then you would not be scouting out new lady friends.

 

I'm trying to understand. Maybe you don't feel desired, sexy, needed and truely loved by your wife. That thrill and crush like feeling...That need to feel that feeling. Am I offbase? Everything you listed about Stacy you should be feeling with you wife but it is not there. Seems like it from what you said.

 

MC is the only way to go now. I hope she takes you back and both of you can sort out the marriage.

[RiptideHD]

Hello all,

 

I left work early yesterday and we met at home. Everything seems to be moving toward unity again, but things don't really feel right. I guess before I met Stace things didn't really feel right either. I love Kate, but something is missing and it's not because of her at all. She does things for me all the time. I did things for her all the time before too. I don't really appreciate what she does for me anymore... It's bad that I say that because she tries so hard to let me know she loves me. I feel hollow. Why is that? I want to show her that I love her too, but my ambission is gone. I blame it on working close to full time and being a full time student. I have little to no time during the day to do things and no time at night because I'm so tired. We don't have time together anymore and I find myself wondering if we did have time, would we have anything to say to eachother other than how was your day and did you meet any interesting people? I know this is a little off thread, but this is concluding the outcome.

 

What about all of you veteran couples? Are there times like this for you? Is this why I was looking somewhere else? Do I just need to try harder?

 

We have gone to marriage counceling before and I was pretty unsatisfied. I don't want our life together to end, but what if that's what's best for her. She is wonderful in every way, but what if I can't give her the attention she needs?

 

R

[RiptideHD]

In your opinions, what service does a friendship outside of a marrage provide? I don't do things with other people. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong, of course I don't even have time to do things with my wife. I'd like to have the time, but money is an issue and with a baby on the way, it has become the priority.

[RiptideHD]

Originally posted by jade_nc

 

first, let me clarify where i'm coming from - my H's best friend happens to be a woman.

 

 

 

Jade, how did your husband meet this girl that is his best friend and how did it happen in such a way that you weren't suspisious or that you didn't have a problem with it? Kate was was upset from the first time that I mentioned Stacey. I wonder if that was a small part of the reason that I took such a strong stance to be-FRIEND her. I do mean friend, okay? I love my wife, I would never want these feelings of friendship to change into anything more. Why did Kate object from the start, before anything was anything? Some FYI - I'm not talking to Stacey outside of work or school anymore.

 

Do you think I it is okay for a married man to have a best friend that's a girl? How in the world could that possibly happen?

 

R

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

In your opinions, what service does a friendship outside of a marrage provide? I don't do things with other people. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong, of course I don't even have time to do things with my wife. I'd like to have the time, but money is an issue and with a baby on the way, it has become the priority.

 

Hi Riptide,

 

Your making excuses not to do things. Learn to prioritize. In this case it's your marriage.

 

You can make time because you control what you do and don't do.

 

There are lots of things you can do that won't cost you a penny. Try a walk in the park, Free admission museums, hiking, free open air concerts, etc... You get the picture. Do things that you both like or find a common ground.

 

The important thing is communication. Talk about what you both like and don't like. Hobbies and interest. Try something new together.

 

In other words, don't make excuses and just do it.

 

Good Luck.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

Do you think I it is okay for a married man to have a best friend that's a girl? How in the world could that possibly happen?

 

R

 

 

Simple rule to follow.

 

 

When your married, ask yourself this quesiton whenever you meet someone of the opposite sex.

 

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them?

 

If your answer is yes, possibly, maybe, not sure, have to think about it then your in danger of developing feelings for this person instead of a platonic. Just walk away. Don't kid yourself and say you can handle it.

 

That is the diffrence between a healthy platonic relationship with the opposite sex and sexual, as well as, emotional attraction of the opposite sex.

[RiptideHD]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

Hi, hope you had a good day and hoping you have a great weekend!

 

Just a one-liner. She got upset because I took time out to email her during the day. Who cares? I can't have females friends? She mentioned I was 'too nice' and that women will often take that as a sign of something more.

 

I agree with the OP here. He should be allowed to have a friendship with her. Why should he have to change his personalitiy to suit his wife's insecurities? He is actually trying to get his wife to know her. You never know, those two might become best of friends.

 

He's not asking Stacey to go out with him one-on-one, etc.. With her being this way, he's just become resentful later on due to the fact that his wife doesn't trust him. He hasn't done anything for her to believe this. He has been up front about all of this.

 

Personally, do I still email this Stacey I know? Yep. Will I bring it up to my wife again? Nope. Not after the way she acted. She talks/emails male co-workers, no reason why I can't have a friend to talk/vent to at times. Will it go beyond friendship? Nope.

 

As for people saying you are leading on this other girl. Nonsense. She knows the OP is married. She knows what the boundaries are. A relationship is about love and trust.

 

I really like this email because this very close to exactly what was going on before I went crazy. I should have not persued, right? I should have just gotten to know Stace little by little until my wife wanted to get to know her, but that would have never happened because Kate was extreamly defensive when I first mentioned a womens name. I also want to bring up and highlight a couple of things. I'm not trying to fire back at anyone here. I just want you to see me for who I am and alliviate the speculations.

 

I always wore cologan and dressed to kill up unti the beginning of this semester. The unfortunate part is that I decided to go back to the way I had dressed to impress Stace so she didn't think that I was a scrub. I like wearing nice shirts with kakii's. I like to have a sharp haircut. I like to look good because when I was younger I didn't know how to look good.

 

I told Kate that I was going to be bar with some people from work to shoot pool after our shift was over. I didn't mention that Stacey would be one of the people because I knew that this was going to happen. I saw everything coming from a mile away. Your perspectives were perfect advise because I was able to see Katie's point of view, because abviously pool among friends is a lot different than pool among one guy friend and one girl friend whom my wife is very suspisious of. I didn't want to hurt her, yet I still wanted friendship. This is very similar to you not telling your wife about your occasional emails J. I took both and had both before I decided to tell her the truth. If I can't be honest with my wife without a hail storm, is there something wrong? Yes.

 

You have the a relationship with your HS buddy like I intended to have with Stacey. I few emails here and there, a few nice nights out with my wife and her here and there maybe at some work parties or even after work playing pool like the other night. I would have really liked a friendship like that, but it looks like the killer was my reversion from scrup to non-scrub and an inappropriate time.

 

I think I will go back to talk to the councelor. We should get to the bottom of what was wrong before I mentioned Stacey's name to Kate.

 

R

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

I always wore cologan and dressed to kill up unti the beginning of this semester. The unfortunate part is that I decided to go back to the way I had dressed to impress Stace so she didn't think that I was a scrub. I like wearing nice shirts with kakii's. I like to have a sharp haircut. I like to look good because when I was younger I didn't know how to look good.

 

OK, reverse gender now. Instead of Stacey, think of a male friend. We will call him John.

 

Would you dress to impress John so that he wouldn't think you were a scrub?

 

When it comes to platonic friendships, you treat them all the same. Gender is not a factor on how you act around them.

[RiptideHD]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

 

Simple rule to follow.

 

When your married, ask yourself this quesiton whenever you meet someone of the opposite sex.

 

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them?

 

If your answer is yes, possibly, maybe, not sure, have to think about it then your in danger of developing feelings for this person instead of a platonic. Just walk away. Don't kid yourself and say you can handle it.

 

That is the diffrence between a healthy platonic relationship with the opposite sex and sexual, as well as, emotional attraction of the opposite sex.

 

Good advise... It kind of sucks in a way though because wouldn't the perfect friend be someone that you would date. I mean some one that has all you your likes and dislikes ect... I guess what your saying is that person must be someone that you don't find appealing enough to date, yet has all the right qualities to be a friend.

 

This is what scares me the most in all of this. Shouldn't my wife be the one that has all of my like and dislikes, so much that we always have things to talk about and so much that we shouldn't even have the need to find other friends. We should be able to satisfy eachother's needs and desires on our own. So in one of your previous posts you mentioned that I was trying to make excuses for not taking the time to spend with Kate. I'm not making excuses, I'm looking for answers. We love going on walks, to museums, trying new things, but what we don't have is enough in common. We love doing those things together, but when there is no time, and I mean NO TIME, to do these things - we have nothing to offer eachother intellectually. When school is done and I only have a job, then we will have the time and everything will be okay again, but now... No time.

 

Do we just live unhappy until we have the time for walks, museums, parks?

 

This is what I'll talk to Kate about tonight. Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

R

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

Good advise... It kind of sucks in a way though because wouldn't the perfect friend be someone that you would date. I mean some one that has all you your likes and dislikes ect... I guess what your saying is that person must be someone that you don't find appealing enough to date, yet has all the right qualities to be a friend.

 

This is what scares me the most in all of this. Shouldn't my wife be the one that has all of my like and dislikes, so much that we always have things to talk about and so much that we shouldn't even have the need to find other friends. We should be able to satisfy eachother's needs and desires on our own. So in one of your previous posts you mentioned that I was trying to make excuses for not taking the time to spend with Kate. I'm not making excuses, I'm looking for answers. We love going on walks, to museums, trying new things, but what we don't have is enough in common. We love doing those things together, but when there is no time, and I mean NO TIME, to do these things - we have nothing to offer eachother intellectually. When school is done and I only have a job, then we will have the time and everything will be okay again, but now... No time.

 

Do we just live unhappy until we have the time for walks, museums, parks?

 

This is what I'll talk to Kate about tonight. Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

R

 

But you do have time. You had time to go play pool, no? One way to start working on your marriage is, next time you have free time, plan something with your wife.

 

You have a deeper problem if your not happy in your marriage. Counseling should get to the root of the problem.

 

Somewhere, sometime you lost the connection you had with your wife. To you, your marriage has grown stale. You need to stir up the pot. Maybe you two have fallen into a routine, everyone knows, with time, routines get boring.

 

Make a change together. Do something new.

 

Most of all, goto counseling.

[jade_nc]

Jade, how did your husband meet this girl that is his best friend and how did it happen in such a way that you weren't suspisious or that you didn't have a problem with it? Kate was was upset from the first time that I mentioned Stacey. I wonder if that was a small part of the reason that I took such a strong stance to be-FRIEND her. I do mean friend, okay? I love my wife, I would never want these feelings of friendship to change into anything more. Why did Kate object from the start, before anything was anything? Some FYI - I'm not talking to Stacey outside of work or school anymore.

 

Do you think I it is okay for a married man to have a best friend that's a girl? How in the world could that possibly happen?

 

my H knew and was very close to his best friend long before i entered the picture. she was the first person that he wanted me to meet.....over and above his family. i never had an issue with their friendship because it was always out in the open. it wasn't some past love that didn't work out that he tried to keep from me....there have been those, too - and i have had issues with them.

 

yes, i think it's important for all people to have friends of the opposite sex. when i want advice on why my H behaves a certain way - i want a guy's opinion. when i want advice on what shoes to buy - i take my girlfriend with me.

 

but once you are married, i think it's very difficult to bring new single friends into the picture. single people have different priorities and lifestyles than married couples (especially those married with children). H and i have many new friends in our life, but they are friends with the same lifestyle we lead. we go to little league now instead of nightclubs. we have bbq's instead of staying out at the bar until the wee hours of the morning.

 

you said you don't have any time to spend with your wife - just curiousity - but was she working or something when you had time to go to the bar?

 

Shouldn't my wife have all the like and dislikes

paraphrased.

how boring would that be?? that would really leave you with nothing to talk about.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

Good advise... It kind of sucks in a way though because wouldn't the perfect friend be someone that you would date. I mean some one that has all you your likes and dislikes etc... I guess what your saying is that person must be someone that you don't find appealing enough to date, yet has all the right qualities to be a friend.

 

R

 

Not neccessarily. Perfect friends can be of the same sex. And the question about dating still applies.

 

The perfect friend should be your wife. Isn't this why you married her? Doesn't she have your likes and dislikes? Doesn't have to be everything but most of your likes and dislikes?

 

 

You should ask yourself this question. Why did I marry my wife? What do I find attractive about her? What is missing now?

[RiptideHD]

Originally posted by jade_nc

 

you said you don't have any time to spend with your wife - just curiousity - but was she working or something when you had time to go to the bar?

 

I was actually going to put that in the post, but I thought it was getting long. I really wanted her to come along. REALLY. I thought maybe if she talked to Stacey she would see that I wasn't lying about anything. W (Kate) was at home with a couple of our neices that night and what was more on my mind was all of the second had smoke at the bar and how it might effect the baby. Unfortunately the time we have the most of is at night when I'm done with work. It's to late for walks in the park then even if she isn't asleep. She looks so beautiful when she sleeps I don't want to wake her. I wouldn't and don't know what to talk about half the times that I do wake her anyway. Weekends are usually filled with work and study too. I have taken time off to spend with her, but I pay for it in grades. She is more important than good grades, but I just keep telling myself that things will be better when school is over and I don't have grades to worry about.

 

You bring up a good point early in your post too. You said that you ask guy if you have questions about your H. A couple of days after I mentioned Stacey for the first time we had a little arguement about me having friends that were women and it came up that I had talked to Stacey about our marraige. I don't remember saying that, but my wife remembers me saying that. So unfortunately I can't tell you what opinion I asked Stacey, but apparently my W doesn't think I should involve other women and that I should only talk to her. This was another check mark against Stacey in the beginning. I'm not trying to defend my actions. They were wrong. I'm just pulling apart the details so you can help me understand the intricasies. I think I need a spell check on this Message Board :-)

 

R

[jade_nc]

yep - we remember everything you say - it's a curse.

 

pls don't misunderstand and think i have a great marriage or anything.....i don't, you can read other posts from me and see that H and i have our share of problems. and i have TONS of my own insecurities to deal with.

 

i'm pregnant too. i think that's partly why i responded to your post initially.

 

yes, when i have a question about my H's behavior, i tend to ask my male friends what's going on with him. but, i always attempt to talk about it to H first. just like anything i post on this site.

 

have you tried asking her what she wants to talk about? or reading an article on something you know interests her and then sharing it with her.

 

personally, i dislike the game of golf. my H lives for that and football. i live for kids and art. if he sees or hears something on the radio, tv, pc, news, etc that he thinks would interest me, he brings it up. i pay attn to the standings during big golf tournaments so i can talk to him about it.

 

it sounds like you really love and care for your wife - but it also sounds like you feel that something is missing. having female friends won't fill that void. you have to fill it from within.

 

why is it so important to you that she become friends with this woman? do you think she's needs more friends? so was it her decision not to go to the bar - or did you not invite her?

personally, i wouldn't have gone.....think of it this way - how much fun is it to go to a ski resort with your SO when you can't ski. you could have choosen to spend that time with her doing something she was able to do and interested in doing.

 

something else that you might want to consider is the process of change you're going through with becoming a father. some men can have a difficult time with it (yes, H does).

[EnigmaXOXO]

yes, i think it's important for all people to have friends of the opposite sex. when i want advice on why my H behaves a certain way - i want a guy's opinion. when i want advice on what shoes to buy - i take my girlfriend with me.

 

Perhaps for some folks it is important to have opposite sex friends - but for others (like myself and my SO) its MORE important to nurture that 'friendship' with your opposite sex partner. Because of that, this isn't a point of contention between us and fortunately we haven't had to struggle with this issue in over five years. But I understand, first hand, the complexities and the complications it can cause. Which is exactly why the two of us make an effort as a couple to avoid it.

 

As far as confiding your relationship troubles with someone of the opposite sex, its dangerous ground. Particularly if that someone is not someone the BOTH of you know well and are intimately comfortable with. Unless of course, it’s an objective third party such as a trained councilor. For the most part, people will air their dirty laundry to only family members or to close same sex friends. Or they come to forums like this where they can remain anonymous. To gripe about your relationship and share intimate details about your romantic partner with ex's or opposite sex acquaintances is a direct breech of trust and undermines your emotional intimacy. It screams "I'm in an unhappy relationship and I'm vulnerable (even open) to outside distraction --- I'm craving your attention."

 

Add to that the fact that you're trying to appear more sexually appealing to this new-found confident; trying way too hard to force a friendship between this stranger and your wife; lying profusely (to both yourself and your wife); and doing mental back-flips to try and justify your attraction to this woman…and what you have is the ugly beginnings of an emotional affair, which almost always leads to a physical one.

 

While friendships are not only healthy, but necessary, one must first understand exactly what a 'friendship' consists of and where to draw the line. For a married couple, those friendships should 'enhance' your relationship and not detract from it. And when push comes to shove and you must choose between friend or spouse, than that spouse must come first. If you can't prioritize your life partner, (your wife and the future mother of your child) then you have no business calling yourself a 'husband' in the first place. In short, you will have reduced your wife to nothing more than a hostage to your ego and self interests.

 

Get rid of the crush and get back in your marriage before your wife wakes up and realizes she deserves someone better.