Sparkle, Tony, Paulie, Miss Mojo, and all others, help, I need some good advice

[Rachel]

Okay, here are the newest developments in my situation. For those who don't know, brief recap: My ex and I had a great relationship, for 2 1/2 years. After asking him if where it was headed, he said he really couldn't tell me, and after talking about our relationship for about two months, we decided to take a break from eachother.

 

O.K. That was December 1, almost 2 1/2 months ago.

 

So, as some people on here know, I heard that he was miserable, etc. My best friend said, call him. A couple of gals on here said call, Tony said don't.

 

So, that was three weeks ago. Until then we had had almost no contact. I called him. We went out to dinner. We had a great time. That was a Thursday night.

 

He called me Saturday morning, and said what a great time he had had. He knew I was leaving town, and said (twice) he would call me when I got back...

 

So, the following week I didn't hear from him. I was very anxious and called him(even though I knew I shouldn't). He was SICK as a dog. Said he had been sick with a fever since Monday, and was sick the whole week. Said he hadn't been that sick since '94.

 

So, last Monday, before Valentines, he brings me flowers at work. Enclosure card reads: Well, I'm actually early. Its a start. Best Wishes "David".

 

Calls Tuesday, to bring a form I needed to fill out for some IRA stuff he does for me(he's my stockbroker).

 

Comes over to work, brings it.

 

Wednesday... Valentines... don't hear from him(which I didin't expect to)

 

Thursday-Calls, Can I come pick the form up.

 

Friday:Calls to verify something on the form... then small talk.

 

Don't hear form him this past weekend.

 

Calls me yesterday, Tuesday. He knew I was buying a car. He says: just wanted to see if you got your car yet. I said, No. I was supposed to, but it will be tomorrow. He says: call me when you get it. O.K.?

 

What is going on? If he is trying to resume a relationship of some sort, he certainly hasn't asked me out. He didn't ask what I did last weekend. He said he went to the movies Saturday night(he hates the movies, so I know he had a date because normally he wouldn't have gone).

 

So, what do I do? play along for a while? I love this man with all my heart, but I hate the emotional rollercoaster of confusion.

 

What is making him call me all the time? And why is he not asking me out?

 

Is there anyway I can say: You are giving me mixed signals?

 

Help me.

 

Also, Sparkle, you have been givng terrific advice recently, and all the other regulars. I feel like I need some insight.

 

Help!

[Miss Mojo]

there's nothing more confusing than trying to second guess someone elses thoughts or motives.

 

there sure are mixed signals here alright! it's hard for me to say really (because i don't know this man), but i can't help but wonder if this guy just isn't really sure about what he wants. but that's just me second guessing a person i have never met!

 

as tough as this has been on you emotionally, my suggestion is that you ask him straight out where you stand with him, next time you see him. if he doesn't quite catch your drift, give him the examples that you have posted below of mixed signals - flowers, saying he'll call and then he doesn't, a nice dinner....explain that it's been a bit tought on you emotionally because of the feelings you have for him. i suppose either way you need to know whether or not you have a chance with him, or if this is his way of having a friendship with you, but still doing small things for you because he cares. ask him what is making him call you all the time.

 

or

 

start by asking him what is making him call you all the time. ask him if everything is ok, if there is anything that he wants to talk about. maybe sussing him out is the way to go. if you don't get a straight answer out of him, then perhaps you can resort to discussing the situation as i mentioned above. he's known you for over 2 years, so it's unlikely he's playing hard to get now.

 

asking him will at least allow you the chance get off this emotional rollercoaster you're on. one way or the other, you'll know if you have the option of getting back with him, or getting over him.

 

if you don't feel comfortable asking him where you stand, then try making a joke out of it. next time he calls, say, "you want me don't you. that's why you call me all the time, come on admit it" (with a smile in your voice to save any embarrassment of course!). this may actually lead him to respond honestly. if he sees you as flirting with him, you will be able to gauge his reaction by his response and maybe have a better idea of what he's thinking.

 

boy, i think i have come across verrry scattered rachel! (i've been a bit that way today). i know how hard it is being on an emotional rollercoaster, and i really feel for you. i hope i made some sense in my post.

 

but i'm sure the others will give some really great advice via some clear thinking!

 

good luck to you

[Tony T]

This guy is stringing you along massively. Hey, he's a stockbroker and trained to hedge his bets. He sells short and long for people all day long.

 

He didn't want to tell you where the relationship was going because he didn't have the guts. But he did want to keep you on the second string just in case.

 

Yeppers, he's going out with other people and you are his sweet and dear reserve, right there to love and cherish him if nothing comes up he likes.

 

Unfortunately, it will always be that way. If he's looking for something different for himself now, for what reason would he stop?

 

I think he's the world's perfect jerk, taking you for a fool. On the other hand, you are there majorly in love just waiting for him with open arms.

 

This guy is so bad...I am so sorry you are in love with him because there is NOTHING I can write here to make you see just how bad he is jerking you around.

 

Of course, he's between a rock and a hard place. You are a valued client. It was very nice of him to bring you flowers for Valentine's Day, in advance, so he would be free to spend that day with another.

 

I don't want you to hurt. I really don't. But the sooner you can see clearly what he is doing, the sooner you will be able to find someone who really cares.

 

The fact is that if this guy thought even nearly as much of you as you do of him, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU. He isn't. That fact hurts me as much as you because I have been there...I know exactly what it feels like. I wish there was something I could do.

 

The best I can do is try to get you to understand that this guy is your stockbroker and EX boyfriend. He has also become a user and manipulator. He is NOT a guy who is after your heart. It will take time for you to see this for yourself and eventually you will get real pissed off and forget him.

 

Meanwhile, just don't allow yourself to get stomped on, jerked around, mislead, crushed, shredded, pulverized, sliced, diced, and ground up too much by this butthole.

 

So go ahead and call him again. Go for more!!! And don't forget to give him a ride in your new car. You certainly owe that to him since he has been taking you for a ride for 2 1/2 months.

[Miss Mojo]

some very valid points tony, from a much clearer mind!

 

the one point which caught my sleepy eyes is the one where you state that rachel is his 'reserve'. all too often, people to that nowadays, and it's not fair at all. one reason i have never been able to be friends with exes (not only because it's harder to move on), is because i'm afraid of being a reserve. it's happened once to me and it was horrible and i've seen it happen to too many people i know. the more i think about rachel's post, the more it appears to have the hallmarks of putting someone on reserve.

 

i know how you feel rachel. so does tony. so do probably heaps of people here.

 

anyway, have a *hug* before you go to bed and i hope you can get off this emotional rollercoaster soon.

[Laurynn]

I think it's really impossible for any of us to say, with any certainty, what's up with this guy...where his head/heart is at. I think we can only speculate, particularly because we don't know him.

 

I do find it rather cheeky of him to give you flowers for V-Day 2 days early.....like Tony suggested (good thinking, Tony)...maybe he did this so he'd be 'free' on V-Day to be with someone else??

 

I'm from Canada, and I'm not familiar with IRA's.....is that form you had to fill out, something that he needed because it would somehow benefit him? (meaning..is it like some kind of investment/stock, where he'd get some kind of commission?)

 

You mentioned that he'd gone to the movies, something he doesn't like to do, so that pretty much indicated he'd gone because he was on a date.........if that *IS* the case, I'd say skid his ass and fast. You don't want to waste your love on someone who can't make up his freaking mind, who feels the need to date others. That's not fair. Either he wants you in his life as his girlfriend, or he doesn't and doesn't deserve you period.

 

On the other hand.....maybe he's just afraid to move too fast in getting back together??...maybe these convenient little reasons to talk to you are his way of maintaining a connection with you, without coming on too strong or being too obvious in his intentions? Maybe he feels badly for not knowing what he wants and he's afraid to jump back into things too quickly, but really does care.

 

It's so hard to say. I know that emotional rollercoaster all too well. It's truly horrible. You can't eat, you can't sleep, you lose weight, you're stressed, you can't think straight, you spend so much time trying to make sense of things, trying to analyze his moves and figure out his motives.....and what makes it so very hard is that you love the guy. I'm sure so many of us have been in your shoes. It really can be so hellish.

 

I think you have the right to have a talk with him....and ask him what's up.

 

Does he just want to maintain a close friendship?

 

Does he want to take things slowly, in hopes that you reestablish a relationship?

 

Is he still unsure?

 

Is he going to continue dating other people?

 

What does he want? Does he know?

 

I know you're probably afraid to rock the boat and possibly overwhelm him with a discussion like this (scare him off)....but good golly miss molly, the guy needs to p*ss or get off the pot. YOU need to have some direction in your life. For him to string you along, whether it be intentional or not, is the epitome of cruel. If he's still so unsure, then to hell with him. He's not a 14 yr old teenybopper. You've invested a good deal of your lives together already. He knows the kind of person you are. Now he has to get with the program and make a freaking choice. If he can't do that, I say YOU say 'good riddance'...because you deserve a man who knows what he wants (and that is you).

 

My bro inlaw is a stockbroker, and I know him and his colleagues are very direct, aggressive people. They speak their mind, they go after what they want and they're very driven. You have to be like that to be in that profession. They aren't the kind to pussy foot around. Maybe that's an unfair generalization, but I think it's pretty accurate.

 

Have a talk with him. Don't make it all nice and cozy either. Don't invite him over for a homecooked meal and then have a talk. Do it somewhere public.....so that if he gives you a song and dance, you can just leave.

 

Let us know how it goes. My heart goes out to you. I really can empathize with the turmoil you're experiencing.

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

When I wrote this:

 

My bro inlaw is a stockbroker, and I know him and his colleagues are very direct, aggressive people. They speak their mind, they go after what they want and they're very driven. You have to be like that to be in that profession. They aren't the kind to pussy foot around. Maybe that's an unfair generalization, but I think it's pretty accurate."

 

..I sorta forgot to explain the point I was trying to make. My point was...most of these guys are very direct, go-getters, sure of themselves and what they want. For him to be so wishy washy and unsure of what he wants, that seems strange to me. So....is he just playing a game with you? Or.....is he truly just a tad screwed up?

 

Whatever you do, when you DO get your new car, DO NOT call and tell him, well, I wouldn't. In fact, other than setting up a time to have a talk with him, I'd be less available for a while...and I wouldn't initiate any contact with him. He knows you love him....even if you don't say it, he knows. At least be a bit of a challenge to him. Right now, you're eating out of the palm of his hand, and no doubt boosting his ego. Screen your calls (as hard as that is, I do know)......OR, if that's too tough, if he doesn't ask you to do something with him this weekend, then if I were you, I'd go into "p*ssed off" mode. If you're good enough to have spent 2.5 yrs with him.....and good enough for him to call you over piddly things, then you're damn well good enough for him to ask you out on a date. Know what I mean? It's not like you're some stranger, and he's shy. Let this weekend be a test. That's what I'd do.

 

Laurynn

[Rachel]

Hi everyone. Well, the good news is that we got major snow here today and work is closed. That will give me a chance to think about these things and read all of your posts carefully, a few times.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that this can not continue. I also agree that I deserve better. One thing I can say is that knowing his background and all, I do know that he IS truly confused, but that still doesn't make it right. As far as me being a client, trust me, he probably hasn't made 30 dollars on me. I have very little money with him.

 

Because this has been so hard on me, and my tendency to overanalyze, I did go to a counseler last week, and will go again, until I feel back on track as far as this situation goes(I dont' mean till we get together).

 

My feelings are this: I need to let him know that I will not put up with this uncertaintly for too much longer and that it is wearing me down. I will probably wait until he calls me, since I won't call him about my car. He needs to know that its too early for us to be "just friends", at least for now, for me.

 

I would welcome any dates and for us to work on our relationship. But at this point, that's about all.

 

I think I'll run all this by the counseler and see how to "phrase" it all, so as not to necessarily ruin the chances of a getting back together.

 

Question: This really boggles my mind. I know the healing process hasn't even begun. The past few nights I have slept sooooooooooo bad, its not even funny. I am only now, able to feel the pain of the loss of this relationship, and the hardest part is that I miss him soooooo much. I keep thinking about things I want to do with him, and things we've done in the past.

 

This is my question: If I heal and get over him, will I be "over " him forever, or if he comes back, will the old feelings reappear? I know no one can tell me for sure, but what are your gut feelings?

 

I guess, I feel that if I get "over" him, then if he comes back, I won't be able to accept him.

 

I can't tell you all what a support this forum has been for me since I found it in the past three months. Really and truly. I feel that I have gotten so much good advice.

 

I hope you guys have a good day!

[Tony T]

I know about not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, not being able to hardly move, not being able to do much of anything. I've been there. You need to get past that and move on.

 

YOU WRITE: ": I need to let him know that I will not put up with this uncertaintly for too much longer and that it is wearing me down."

 

There is NO uncertainty here. This guy is seeing other people. Men see women to find someone they are interested in. This guy is sending you so many signals. A man who really loves a woman IS NOT CONFUSED ABOUT IT. I hear a lot of that confusion crap on this forum and it's a lot of bunk. Either you care about somebody or you don't.

 

I knew you wouldn't see this, I even said so in my post. I understand. I never wanted to see it either. But you can wish until the world ends but it won't change the fact that this dude is with other people, NOT YOU!!! He spent Valentine's Day with SOMEONE ELSE.

 

I know you think you love him but you love the guy you thought he was. He is treating you like absolute crap and you are just sucking it in. Have some self respect and move on.

 

You say you would welcome some dates to work on your relationship. Right now, you don't have a relationship. Those are to be worked on while you're in one. Now do you really want this guy back after he felt a need to go out looking for somebody else???

 

Yes, you will get over him...it will take a while. You will not forget him, but when you think about him your feelings will be pretty flat. You will hopefully be with someone who WANTS TO BE WITH YOU and you really won't give this dude a lot of your time in thought.

 

This man has clearly shown you what a jerk he can be. Now, why are you even analyzing all this feeling stuff....if he comes back this and that. You need to write this off. Sure, right now you want him back so bad because you think you love him. What you are loving are the nice memories of the years when things were good. The guy is basically moving on...and stringing you on.

 

Maybe he just calls and comes by now and then out of guilt. But try to get it in your head that he is doing what he is doing for a very good reason. Men who love women don't do this to them. Read that last sentence over a few times.

 

I am so sad because I know just how you feel but I can promise you it does get better over time. One day you will be really pissed when you see exactly what this guy is doing to you right now. Or maybe he is trying to be nice, just doesn't have the guts to formally break it off complete. In my opinion, though, when he is NOT seeing you and IS seeing other people, it is over.

 

I agree with you. I wouldn't even bother calling him. And when he calls you, let him know right now there can't be a friendship.

[Ed]

Two things Rachel -

 

First, have the custodian changed on your IRA. Just go to another bank or broker and tell them you want to transfer your IRA to them. It shouldn't cost you a penny and you don't even have to talk to your ex-bf to have it done. Take your current account statement with you and they will do the rest. Now, go on and do it!

 

Second, your thoughts about "how will I react if he comes back later?" are a sign that you are moving on or are least starting to move on. These thoughts are common during the "letting go" stage. After "denial" and "anger", "letting go" is the point at which you decide that it is really over. During this time you are typically scared to death of letting the love go for fear that you may not feel that way again. Believe me! YOU WILL feel that way again - but not for him.

[sparkle]

Dear Rachel,

 

I agree with Laurynn, Tony, and Miss Mojo...I think Tony really hit the mark about him stringing you along and you being his reserve. So I don't have too much more to say.

 

He knows you're gonna be there for him, maybe he's testing you to see how much he can manipulate you. He wants you to like him and still be in love with him. And he wants you to think that he feels that way about you. So in case he ever has trouble with his relationships or has a hard time meeting new people or is just bored every now and then, he knows that you'll take him back with open arms.

 

It's VERY VERY difficult to be friends with an ex. One person always wants more. I think the only way to do that is when neither person has any more feelings for the other whatsoever. Even then, it's hard to maintain a good friendship. But the way this guy is acting, I wouldn't even want to remain friends with him.

 

The best (and the most difficult) thing for you to do is to nicely tell him off. Be very firm about it. Ask him what he's trying to do. Tell him you don't need another friend, if he says your friendship is what he is after.

 

Tell him you don't want him to keep giving you mixed signals. Let him know EXACTLY what you said above, that you "will not put up with his uncertainty" any longer. Tell him to move on if he's over you.

 

Tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship where after 2 1/2 years, the other person still doesn't know what he wants. Tell him that you want to be with a guy who, after 2 yrs of dating you, will be able to tell you exactly what he wants from you, and will want to have a future with you.

 

Tell him you weren't getting that from him in your relationship with him, and you're not about to get back with him because it will be the same thing all over again. You want to move on and find a guy that will not be afraid to committ to you, be open about his feelings and communicate freely with you, and discuss the future with you.

 

And tell him that you don't need him to hang around giving you mixed signals because it is getting in the way of you being able to move on and finding a guy who won't do that.

 

Don't sound wishy-washy or talk quietly or mumble. Say this VERY firmly and clearly and push back your feelings for him. This will let him know that you are serious. He'll realize that you are tired of him trying to play games with you. Most likely, if you say all this, and then don't give him the time of day afterwards, he may come around and open up one day. But don't sit around waiting for that day when he might want you back..completely.

 

Good luck Rachel! You will be okay. Two and a half years is a long relationship. I know things have been very different and difficult for you these past couple months, now that the person you spent most of your time with isn't around anymore. All you need is time and a clear head.

 

About 75% of the reason you still want a relationship with him is because you're "used" to him, you know him, you're comfortable with him, heck..you spent the last 2 yrs with him! You used to him...the attachment is still there. You don't know what is out there. You don't want to start a new relationship with a whole new person and put in all that time/effort in getting to know him and everything about him.

 

No one does. And that is what's still tying you to him.

 

As soon as you realize that is the main reason you want him back, then that 75% will be wiped away, and only a quarter of what you feel are your actual feelings and love for him. And this will fade away with time...and decreased contact with him. It may be hard. There may be more nights where you just cannot fall asleep because you can't get him off your mind. But as time passes by, those kinds of nights will grow less and less...

 

And meanwhile you'll end up meeting a guy that will be able to meet your expectations and give you what you deserve. By that time, you will start wondering what you ever saw in this guy. Or who knows...maybe this guy will grow up. And one day in the future your paths will cross again, he'll be mature enough then to deal with a relationship, and may be madly in love with you then...and the timing will be just right...things may work out then. But as long as he keeps acting this way, I wouldn't count on it.

 

Take care of yourself Rachel. Pamper yourself. Focus on yourself right now. Bring the attention on you. Think about yourself and your needs right now...and you will be happy.