i feel so sorry for my dad, it breaks my heart

[alexa83]

I´m a 30 year old woman, my dad just turned 60.

 

 

He´s always been a shy man, very controlling and overprotective when me and my sister were teens, i used to hate him at times cause he made my teen years difficult, but i got over it when i got older.

 

He lived by himself the last 5 years, he was working in another town and would come to our city visit us twice a month, just for the weekends. Now he is retired and he came to my town, to their house. so my mom and him are leaving together now.

 

He is a complicated man, he´s a social phob, introverted, controlling, insecure, shy, lonely, he has never had a friend, and he´s always desperetely overacomodating, like he tries so hard to be nice to people, to be accepted, and he does this without even noticing, he is a good man, with a good heart, but for some reason everyone seems to get annoyed and bored with him very easily, at his company, nobody likes him, lately he was basically just going to work, no projects were being assigned to him. and he was very conflictive, because he always thinks he´s right he ´s is stubborn and wont see the other side of the fence, and on top of being controlling and stubborn, he just seems to be very clumsy and unorganized, it´s like the simplest task in the word he´ll do it wrong, once he almost burnt down our kitchen, he breaks eveything

 

I don´t know know to describe my dad, he´s very anxious, to the point he wont shop for clothes because he´s too embarrased to go into the store, if he tries a pair of shoes, he´s likely to buy them even if they don´t fit, just because he´s too embarrased.

 

He has no contact with anyone, no friends, the only people he speaks to is my and my sister and mom. if the phone rings he wont pick up, cause it makes him very unconfortable to have to talk. once we were at the mall and someone who knew him came to say hello to him, and he was beyond awkward.

 

lately, i´ve notice he depresses me, he drives slow, walks slow and the look in his face is like he´s very miserable. he lost one tooth and he never got it fixed or replaced because he´s too embarrased to see a dentist.

 

i´m sad and worried about my dad. it´s like he never really enjoyed his life, people always try to avoid him because something about him makes you unconfortable or tense.

 

i´m sad, even my mom sometimes makes comments like she´s fed up with him, and him actsing like a 80 year old man and he´s only 60. he is gaining weight and i told him some basic info about nutrition, like, if he wanted to lose weight he needs to have breakfast a good lunch, some healthy snacks between meals and something light for dinner, but then i found out he was having fried eggs for brrakfast and a tangerine for dinner, and that was it, he starving himself and it´s like what you tell him goes in one ear and out the other. he is a grown man, i wish he was wiser, evolved, learnt something in life, but he´s just i don´t know. he doesn´t do anything right, nothing, the last time we had a family party he danced because someone forced him, and everyone laughed at his moves he was so embarrased he had really awkward moves. the whole thing was painful to watch.

 

it breaks my heart cause sometimes i dont want to spend time with him because his aura, his vibe puts me in a weird mood, depresed. he´s outlook on life is depressive.

 

how am i supposed to handle this, i´m always trying to make him realize he´s letting himself go, i tell him i can take him to the dentist, i can take him to the shops, he always says yes, next month, and we never go.

 

i am such a happy woman, on my own, at my place, when he comes over for a week it makes me feel soo bad, it´s like he´s presence bothers me because he drains my energy and that makes me feel like the worst person in the world. i´m still there for him and i care for him , but i don´t like being in his presence , i dont enjoy it

 

pls give me some advice

Edited November 6, 2014 by alexa83

[Gloria25]

I think my post in this thread on this forum would also help your situation

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/499640-my-familyis-falling-apart

 

Good luck!!!

[Tayla]

Its common nature for families to put each other under a microscope. As the previous posters links indicates.

 

The dynamics of a family ( if its healthy) is to follow course. Most Adult children with aging parents do get to assume a more pro active role in their welfare. In most families its okay to work thru the issues and find some common ground. You sound like you have a good heart with some residue of your Moms opinions. Unfortunately for some adult children it takes a real scare for them to change perspective and stop harping on negatives and instead find that sliver of goodness that exists while the parent (human) is here on earth. Grasp the goodness and accentuate your Dads positives. It may take a bit more effort yet It could well be a chance to turn things around. A genuine Hug though to you for having compassion as you see all sides of his behavior.

[amaysngrace]

Are you sure you aren't picking up the negative vibe from your mom since she's the one who complains?

 

If I were you I'd go there and try to counter what she is saying by gently saying "nobody's perfect" or something else positive about your dad whenever she vents to you.

 

And see if that works.

[Gloria25]

Are you sure you aren't picking up the negative vibe from your mom since she's the one who complains?

 

If I were you I'd go there and try to counter what she is saying by gently saying "nobody's perfect" or something else positive about your dad whenever she vents to you.

 

And see if that works.

 

I rather the OP say "Mom, I love you both", give her a hug and walk away and/or hang up the phone when mom stars ripping on dad.

 

It's wrong for a parent to burden children with the drama between the parents. If the OP just wants to keep the peace, I suggest she do what I'm posting here.

 

If mom continues, then keep on saying "Mom, I love you both" and repeat hug, walking away and/or hanging up the phone...Mom will get the message.

[amaysngrace]

I rather the OP say "Mom, I love you both", give her a hug and walk away and/or hang up the phone when mom stars ripping on dad.

 

It's wrong for a parent to burden children with the drama between the parents. If the OP just wants to keep the peace, I suggest she do what I'm posting here.

 

If mom continues, then keep on saying "Mom, I love you both" and repeat hug, walking away and/or hanging up the phone...Mom will get the message.

 

I disagree. A child can be there for both parents. And should be. So she should allow her mom to vent without it having an effect on her. It's very possible.

 

Older parents sometimes bicker. It's common.

 

You don't have to pick sides. You can love them both. And blowing them off isn't the right way to show a parent love IMO.

[Tayla]

Amays- I think you and Gloria are actually saying the same thing in different ways. You both agree that BOTH parents can be acknowledged and that by staying neutral can retain some peace in the parent child dynamic.

 

I like that Gloria said to express love for the parent who is ranting without agreeing to the parents poor opinion . Usually a simple- Gee you feel that strongly Mom? Does the trick, then move along to other concerns.

[amaysngrace]

Amays- I think you and Gloria are actually saying the same thing in different ways. You both agree that BOTH parents can be acknowledged and that by staying neutral can retain some peace in the parent child dynamic.

 

I like that Gloria said to express love for the parent who is ranting without agreeing to the parents poor opinion . Usually a simple- Gee you feel that strongly Mom? Does the trick, then move along to other concerns.

 

Oh. I thought she said to hang up on her.

 

Regardless I don't see what's wrong with hearing your parent out. That's not the impression that I had gotten from Gloria's post though. It's sounded like she was suggesting being abrupt. Having a healthy relationship with older parents takes patience. A lot of patience.

 

But it's very well worth it in the long run.

[Mandy26]

Has your Dad had a check up lately? Sometimes there can be underlying conditions that we are not even aware of, and it can come out in behaviours. Maybe spending some time alone with him could help you gain a different perspective or insight... Just a thought... Wishing you all the best .. Both my parents are aging and sometimes everything just isn't what you think it might be .

[Radu]

From what you describe, he probably has a form of social anxiety.

On one hand he is depressed and he probably is aware to some extent that he is unliked, and on the other side he compensates by being a kiss-ass when he meets someone.

 

That is all anyone needs to know about the other person, the relationship is defined in those few moments at the start, and the others know that he instinctually values them more than he values himself.

 

A lowered self-esteem comes from that and with it depression, medical problems, a very unhappy life.

As time goes on, and one ages these things become even more entrenched, harder to change, etc ...

 

Unless he himself wants change, there will be no change.

Any effort you take will just be wasted energy and lowered quality of life, for you.

[preraph]

Your dad could have some ADD or some other disorder making him the way he is. It wouldn't hurt to have him thoroughly diagnosed in case there's anything to be done about it. Your dad has had a lifetime of dealing with himself and other people's reaction to him. Just love him.

[aMguilts]

op

my dad died 2 weeks ago

funeral is this wednesday

my dad was a lot in the way you describe yours as being

but yours is still here

no one is perfect. are you?

be thankful

 

aM