After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[KismetGirl]

Bollocks.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

 

Dont know how many of you know my lengthy history from before but suffice to say this was someone i spent five years hooking up with on and off. Many tears and frustrations. I was quite in love with him at the time, or so I thought.

 

Stopped talking three years ago at his bequest (actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

He randomly chanced onto my contact info via a work-related thing. Sent me a small message saying he's been thinking about my constantly for three years. That he's desperately wanting to talk to me again because he misses me.

 

I know the answer is "run. run screaming away from him."

 

I guess I just feel weird. My hands started shaking when I saw his name in my email box.

 

Funny how some things just come back around.

[beach]

How interesting that he didn't declare that he's now divorced.

 

Consider him off limits.

 

Help yourself and don't respond. I hope you didn't!

[whichwayisup]

Bollocks.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

 

Dont know how many of you know my lengthy history from before but suffice to say this was someone i spent five years hooking up with on and off. Many tears and frustrations. I was quite in love with him at the time, or so I thought.

 

Stopped talking three years ago at his bequest (actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

He randomly chanced onto my contact info via a work-related thing. Sent me a small message saying he's been thinking about my constantly for three years. That he's desperately wanting to talk to me again because he misses me.

 

I know the answer is "run. run screaming away from him."

 

I guess I just feel weird. My hands started shaking when I saw his name in my email box.

 

Funny how some things just come back around.

 

Delete and BLOCK!

 

It's been three years and during those 3 years he didn't contact you. He didn't divorce his wife, he stay married. Now all of a sudden he does reach out and expects you to run back to him because he "misses you"? Kismet, please, I beg you, don't fall back into that trap. Remember all the pain you went through, the courage it took for you to walk away. 3 years of healing and moving on with your life.

 

Don't let shaken up emotions make you do something you'll regret. Be strong, remember who you are now and that you don't want him again in your life.

 

Change your email address asap.

[KismetGirl]

How interesting that he didn't declare that he's now divorced.

 

Consider him off limits.

 

Help yourself and don't respond. I hope you didn't!

 

I responded, but it was kind of in a daze. I had literally just woken up and glanced at my email, and all this emotion flooded my head. Didn't know what to say or think.

 

Just wrote back "yes its been a long time. dont really know what to say" and thats it.

 

he's written back far more than that, saying he asked for a divorce, that she refuses to give him one over religious reasons, that they have nothing in common anymore, that he's accepted that this is just how it will be. He knows Im leaving the country in two months. I'm sure he hopes we can reconnect before I go back. He apologised profusely for ever hurting me, that he didnt know how to act before because he felt guilty all the time, but that theyve reached a place where they live seperate but co-existing lives in the same house for their kids. Seems sad to me. For whatever reason i allowed him to call me. Fluid conversation as if we never went anywhere else. He was always very easy to talk to.

 

Keeps asking if he can make it all up to me. I dont know how to respond. He's caught me in a vulnerable time I suppose.

 

I told him I can't go back to sneaking around and what we used to do, that I'm too old for that s**t now. That I need consistency. That he cant give me what I need. And yet, I did not hang up on him. I didn't agree to meet him either, mind you. But I didn't hang up on him. I just talked to him. About random things.

 

He said he's been in therapy (individually and with his wife) for the last two or three years and that he's learned a lot about himself and his relationship. That aside from his kids, if he had to do over again he would not have married her. That they don't fit. That he's asked her if they wouldnt be happier being divorced and she refuses. That she'd rather live like roommates than get a divorce. Good for him I guess. Im really not sure what he's asking of me. He said he doesnt want sex from me he just wants to try talking to me again. I dont know.

 

In some ways its good I wont be here in two months regardless.

[KismetGirl]

Delete and BLOCK!

 

It's been three years and during those 3 years he didn't contact you. He didn't divorce his wife, he stay married. Now all of a sudden he does reach out and expects you to run back to him because he "misses you"? Kismet, please, I beg you, don't fall back into that trap. Remember all the pain you went through, the courage it took for you to walk away. 3 years of healing and moving on with your life.

 

Don't let shaken up emotions make you do something you'll regret. Be strong, remember who you are now and that you don't want him again in your life.

 

Change your email address asap.

 

Well i cant change my email address as its a work one :-) But i suppose i can just not open up any more messages from him

 

It just made me feel really emotional seeing stuff from him i guess

 

got my head in a whirlwind. you know what i mean.

 

im not trying to fall back into an affair, god no. I'll never do that again.

 

I'd be lying if i said i wasnt curious about him these days. I found out he's been trying to find a way to contact me for almost a year (asked a mutual old coworker who knows about us and she said he asked her for my contact info quite a long time ago and she told him it wasnt her place to give it, and just never told me about it).

 

just so weird. my head is all fuzzy about it.

[whichwayisup]

I responded, but it was kind of in a daze. I had literally just woken up and glanced at my email, and all this emotion flooded my head. Didn't know what to say or think.

 

Just wrote back "yes its been a long time. dont really know what to say" and thats it.

Dammit! I wish you hadn't written back, you now have pandora's box happening. BULLSH.IT he's divorcing!! Praying you're not falling for this crap he's selling you. If he truly wanted you in an honest way, he'd wait until he was divorced and single. He hasn't done that. He's just put the bait out there to see if you'd react. And you did.

 

he's written back far more than that, saying he asked for a divorce, that she refuses to give him one over religious reasons, that they have nothing in common anymore, that he's accepted that this is just how it will be. He knows Im leaving the country in two months. I'm sure he hopes we can reconnect before I go back

.

 

I hope you don't see him. It would be another huge mistake. He's full of crap, believe that. Don't let your emotions take over. You know better.

He apologised profusely for ever hurting me, that he didnt know how to act before because he felt guilty all the time, but that theyve reached a place where they live seperate but co-existing lives in the same house for their kids. Seems sad to me. For whatever reason i allowed him to call me. Fluid conversation as if we never went anywhere else. He was always very easy to talk to.

 

No, sadly what is sad, you eating up what he's telling you.

Keeps asking if he can make it all up to me. I dont know how to respond. He's caught me in a vulnerable time I suppose.

 

Bingo! He knows you're vulnerable and knew you'd be floored by hearing from him.. Talk about manipulative and selfishness at it's best.

 

I told him I can't go back to sneaking around and what we used to do, that I'm too old for that s**t now. That I need consistency. That he cant give me what I need. And yet, I did not hang up on him. I didn't agree to meet him either, mind you. But I didn't hang up on him. I just talked to him. About random things.

 

He is gonna work you now. Big time, can guarantee it. You've just invited drama and roller coaster back into your life.

 

He said he's been in therapy (individually and with his wife) for the last two or three years and that he's learned a lot about himself and his relationship. That aside from his kids, if he had to do over again he would not have married her. That they don't fit. That he's asked her if they wouldnt be happier being divorced and she refuses. That she'd rather live like roommates than get a divorce. Good for him I guess. Im really not sure what he's asking of me. He said he doesnt want sex from me he just wants to try talking to me again. I dont know.

More crap he's feeding you. Nothing ever changes. He is working up to an EA to an eventual PA / affair again. Would bet my life on it.

In some ways its good I wont be here in two months regardless.

 

Well i cant change my email address as its a work one :-) But i suppose i can just not open up any more messages from him

 

Then talk to your IT department and see if they can block his email address.

 

It just made me feel really emotional seeing stuff from him i guess

Exactly and instead of taking time to think, you jumped without thinking and now you have knowingly or unknowingly opened the door. He's gonna take advantage of that.

got my head in a whirlwind. you know what i mean.

 

im not trying to fall back into an affair, god no. I'll never do that again.

Trying not to. I don't hear you saying ' NO F'ing way!' Wish you hadn't replied back and talked to him..

 

I'd be lying if i said i wasnt curious about him these days. I found out he's been trying to find a way to contact me for almost a year (asked a mutual old coworker who knows about us and she said he asked her for my contact info quite a long time ago and she told him it wasnt her place to give it, and just never told me about it).

 

just so weird. my head is all fuzzy about it.

 

Means nothing that he was trying to reach out. He isn't divorced, isn't going to divorce. Again, if he wanted to 'date' you in an honest way he would have reached out once he was divorce and single. That is fact.

[lovinDKT3]

What are you doing? STOP. No more communication period.

 

I'm sure you would have never thought you would be with a married man before, right?

 

Besides, he honestly sounds full of shyt.

[Majormisstep]

Kismet, he "says" he asked for a D but his W wouldn't give him one due to religious reasons or whatnot. And, because the poor imprisoned man is now left with no choice but to live a life of purgatory, if only for the kids, he has humbly reached out to you...but only to talk because he misses you. Puleeeze!

 

He is where he WANTS to be. He made his choice. No of course he doesn't want sex - now. Strike up that 'ol flame and watch it burn out of control. Do you want to go back there, even in a LC format? I hope you have the strength and resolve to walk away (=== sending you strength vibes via internet===). Wish him well and close the door forever. Things can go from bad to worse in a shorter timeframe than two months. Don't let him hurt you again. Don't let him in your head or heart. MMS

[Ruffian1]

He can divorce her weather she likes it or not.

 

 

He does not need her permission.

[KismetGirl]

Dammit! I wish you hadn't written back, you now have pandora's box happening. BULLSH.IT he's divorcing!! Praying you're not falling for this crap he's selling you. If he truly wanted you in an honest way, he'd wait until he was divorced and single. He hasn't done that. He's just put the bait out there to see if you'd react. And you did.

 

.

 

I hope you don't see him. It would be another huge mistake. He's full of crap, believe that. Don't let your emotions take over. You know better.

 

 

No, sadly what is sad, you eating up what he's telling you.

 

 

Bingo! He knows you're vulnerable and knew you'd be floored by hearing from him.. Talk about manipulative and selfishness at it's best.

 

 

 

He is gonna work you now. Big time, can guarantee it. You've just invited drama and roller coaster back into your life.

 

 

More crap he's feeding you. Nothing ever changes. He is working up to an EA to an eventual PA / affair again. Would bet my life on it.

In some ways its good I wont be here in two months regardless.

 

 

 

Then talk to your IT department and see if they can block his email address.

 

 

Exactly and instead of taking time to think, you jumped without thinking and now you have knowingly or unknowingly opened the door. He's gonna take advantage of that.

 

Trying not to. I don't hear you saying ' NO F'ing way!' Wish you hadn't replied back and talked to him..

 

 

 

Means nothing that he was trying to reach out. He isn't divorced, isn't going to divorce. Again, if he wanted to 'date' you in an honest way he would have reached out once he was divorce and single. That is fact.

 

Agree with everything you said, logically, of course. I was half asleep when i wrote that one line back-- you know that place between being awake and sleeping when you can sort of talk but you're not really thinking yet.

 

Anyway, no , i suspect he'll not divorce her anytime soon, if ever. His kids are still pretty small (all under 13 i think). Divorces are expensive, emotionally taxing, you become a part-time parent, all your in-laws and mutual friends now hate you, etc etc. I imagine those things all prevent him from wanting to take that step himself if his wife is adamently against it to boot. He doesn't hate her or anything.

 

I suppose I don't know what its like to walk away from a wife, kids, mortgage, friends, family and go out on your own again. I imagine its not fun. Im not saying thats an excuse but I do pity him a little bit in some ways. I AM leaving here in two months so even if I did something stupid its impossible to really get anything going with him again.

 

I think it just makes me sad to think someone can be so complacent about being in a marriage that doesnt make them happy. I can't fathom it. His voice , he sounds incredibly lonely.

 

I am talking to someone that lives in my city (ive posted about it elsewhere on LS) that I like quite a bit, though that situation has also been driving me mad because its currently along the Long Distance lines while im here. Im hoping I can make it work with this new guy when I go back, I really do, because I like him a lot. But the LDR thing right now, or whatever it is, is stressing me out. In some ways I think I thought talking to MM would make me distracted from my other frustrations. He always had a way of making me feel beautiful and wanted, mostly.

 

I havent agreed to meet him. I wasnt quite together enough not to respond to that email but I havent agreed to meet him. I guess that's something.

 

Ongoing support here helps guys. thanks. keeps me on track a bit.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is so sad. You blew 3 years of no contact and taking control of your life. Sorry, but you did. The second you replied and then talked to him on the phone, you handed him your strength instead of telling him (by not replying) that you are better than that.

 

Now he knows he can work you. He knows you're ripe for it. If you had had enough of him, you would have never replied to his bunch of excuses and lies. You told him otherwise by replying. I feel sorry for you. I hope you wake up, because this guy fed you a bunch of crap (his wife won't divorce him because of religious reasons? Since when did he need his wife's "permission" to divorce her?) He is bored and wants the affair again and wants to know if you're up for being used and abused again, and your response said yes.

[Poppy47]

It would be a shock for you.

 

However, you have fallen right back into the old patterns that you had with him before.

 

You need to stop and remember that 3 LONG years have passed and you are no longer that woman. You stopped being the OW then.

 

Since when does a man have to stay married in this day and age?? He is perfectly capable and free to get a divorce if he wants. That's the point... he didn't want to back then and doesn't now.

 

He's just trying to hook up with you again.

 

Walk away and tell him to go f..k himself.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

[FusionCutter]

No Divorce. No Talk.

[torn87]

(actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

I have used that line when I tried to get in contact with ex boyfriends I'd be all like I never sent a no contact goodbye break up letter to you my current boyfriend must have hacked my account t and sent that to you. That way I could keep current boyfriend happy by telling the ex to go away but then blame the current boyfriend so I could still flirt and talk to ex boyfriend. Please please don't fall for it. I am married and having an affair and this is verbatim straight from a cheaters mouth he just needs to feel desired and have his ego stroked again trust me. You need to get in contact with your therapist or whoever you've leaned on for the past three years let them know your about to fall off the wagon again just like an addict or alcoholic would. EVEN IF YOU DONT THINK YOU WOULD GET INVOLVED AGAIN. Do it anyway contact your support system because you clearly cannot control yourself when it comes to this guy you responded half dazed in the middle of the night? Please a part of you has been waiting for this moment and is pissed it took three years lol there is absolutely no legal reason why he cannot get divorced even if she doesn't agree to it he hasn't gotten divorced because he doesn't want to. Its not even because of his kids I know plenty of dads who see there kids MORE because of a divorce they aren't spending all their time at work avoiding their wives and incidently their kids they aren't miserable at home now so they actually have better relationshipd with their kids since the divorce I even know a dad who gets his kid every weekday and the mother gets the kid on weekends there is no reason why he needs to be married to her ..unless he wants to be. I am trying get over and end things with my affair partner I hope you find the strbgth to do the same

[Goodbye]

(actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

I have used that line when I tried to get in contact with ex boyfriends I'd be all like I never sent a no contact goodbye break up letter to you my current boyfriend must have hacked my account t and sent that to you. That way I could keep current boyfriend happy by telling the ex to go away but then blame the current boyfriend so I could still flirt and talk to ex boyfriend. Please please don't fall for it. I am married and having an affair and this is verbatim straight from a cheaters mouth he just needs to feel desired and have his ego stroked again trust me. You need to get in contact with your therapist or whoever you've leaned on for the past three years let them know your about to fall off the wagon again just like an addict or alcoholic would. EVEN IF YOU DONT THINK YOU WOULD GET INVOLVED AGAIN. Do it anyway contact your support system because you clearly cannot control yourself when it comes to this guy you responded half dazed in the middle of the night? Please a part of you has been waiting for this moment and is pissed it took three years lol there is absolutely no legal reason why he cannot get divorced even if she doesn't agree to it he hasn't gotten divorced because he doesn't want to. Its not even because of his kids I know plenty of dads who see there kids MORE because of a divorce they aren't spending all their time at work avoiding their wives and incidently their kids they aren't miserable at home now so they actually have better relationshipd with their kids since the divorce I even know a dad who gets his kid every weekday and the mother gets the kid on weekends there is no reason why he needs to be married to her ..unless he wants to be. I am trying get over and end things with my affair partner I hope you find the strbgth to do the same

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. I feel for you. My exMM would do something like this and reopen old wounds. WTF is this "asked for a divorce" nonsense. You FILE for divorce. So reminds me of my exMM. Ugh...she wouldn't "give" him a divorce. Screw that. I'm a bitter exOW so I say forward the email about "asking his wife for a divorce" to his wife...I'm betting she doesn't even realize she was "asked."

 

 

Good luck to you. This sounds like a major dead end. I hope it doesn't set you back much.

[waterwoman]

I didn't know that divorce had to be a mutally agree decision. He can divorce her if he wants to. What he probably means is that she might make life difficult for him if he insists on a divorce and he can't be bothered with the hassle.

[herself]

Girl....of COURSE its flattering, tempting, but you made it 3 years and are way moved on.

You really can't go back to the crying and confusion.

Hos before bros ha ha ha stick to hanging with your girlfriends and even if his wife wrote the email he sure didn't try to correct the situation with you right? So he doesn't deserve the chance to just pop back in right?

Tell him to kick rocks.

[Darren Steez]

I see you're giving the even if I did something I won't be here in two months. Yeah don't entertain that thought.

 

Even if you think what you're doing now is "just" talking, it's not, unless you're moving a mars and destroying every space craft on the planet you're still within a plane ride of each other. Communication will still go on where ever you are, the promises, the putting your life on hold, the head getting messed around..just talking right?

 

There is nothing that says you owe this man anything by reading his messages. Look at what it's done to you, after three years he doesn't have to do any heavy work or seducing, he's got a fresh piece just waiting for him, ready to go.

 

See his email, delete and move on. Wish you well.

[gettingstronger]

actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

 

She may have written it, but he complied with it, did not reach out to correct it- sounds to me that they moved past the A he had with you and her guard is down so he is up to his old tricks-its a pattern for him OR he has had other OW over the last 3 years and the well has run dry- either way-what he did was cruel, to re-enter your life knowing how difficult the last 3 years must have been for you-it was a selfish act and I hope you see it as that rather than flattery-

 

Stay strong-

[the_artist_1970]

Rinse, wash, repeat. You notice how you are already feeling sorry for this poor MM who is trapped in a M with this over religious woman? You notice that you are starting the he said this, he said that without any verification that what he is saying is true? The cycle has begun.

[Standard-Fare]

Don't know the whole background, didn't read all the responses here, but...

 

I think maybe you should contact him one final time, and say something like: "The situation we had in the past caused me so much pain that I'd be a fool to to revisit it. I've been moving forward with my life and I don't want to backslide. It sounds to me like nothing has changed with your circumstances that should make me want you back in my life. If you ever do make some big changes and find yourself single, you are welcome to contact me, but of course I don't know where I'll be in life at that point. In the meantime please respect me enough to leave me alone."

[beach]

I wish you'd give him an answer that makes it crystal clear to him that he offers you nothing good - and to never contact you again!

[Hope Shimmers]

I suppose I don't know what its like to walk away from a wife, kids, mortgage, friends, family and go out on your own again. I imagine its not fun. Im not saying thats an excuse but I do pity him a little bit in some ways.

 

Awwwww..... poor, misunderstood, abused little old married man in his "miserable" marriage who just can't be happy because his wife and mortgage are holding him hostage. It would be sooooooooo hard for him to break away from the old ball and chain and be on his own with no wifey to be there for him, all out there alone in the big mean world. Give me a second to compose myself, will you, while I cry him a river

 

Seriously? You actually feel pity for this man? Perhaps you don't know what it's like to divorce (by the way, people do it every day), but you know what it's like to be thrown under the bus and treated like a low-priority plaything for poor married man, right? I doubt he has any pity for you - he just wants his cake and eat it too, again.

 

It's so maddening that these men can get away with this. I hope you will slam the door. You deserve better than his crumbs.

[SoleMate]

I'm furious at him, for your sake. PLEASE find your strength. You fell off the NC wagon; now get back on! One day at a time.

 

Get your technology shields all the way up NOW! Pretty much any work email program will let you set up rules based on keywords that will result in his email going straight to the trash. So do that.

 

An idea as insurance to prevent future distressing contact: Let him know that one more contact attempt - of the slightest form for any reason whatsoever - and you have an entire documented packet of his emails, photos, timelines etc. to be hand-delivered to his wife by your private investigator. And follow through.

[whichwayisup]

 

Anyway, no , i suspect he'll not divorce her anytime soon, if ever. His kids are still pretty small (all under 13 i think). Divorces are expensive, emotionally taxing, you become a part-time parent, all your in-laws and mutual friends now hate you, etc etc. I imagine those things all prevent him from wanting to take that step himself if his wife is adamently against it to boot. He doesn't hate her or anything.

 

I suppose I don't know what its like to walk away from a wife, kids, mortgage, friends, family and go out on your own again. I imagine its not fun. Im not saying thats an excuse but I do pity him a little bit in some ways. I AM leaving here in two months so even if I did something stupid its impossible to really get anything going with him again.

 

Exactly and you do not know his life, what goes on behind closed door. Do not give him the benefit out doubt. He's a proven liar and a cheater. You don't know if any of what he's told you is true, in fact he could have easily lied about saying his wife wrote you that email. Maybe it was him!

 

It's not easy to walk away, which is why he hasn't! Though people do it ALL the time, if they really want a divorce.

 

I think it just makes me sad to think someone can be so complacent about being in a marriage that doesnt make them happy. I can't fathom it. His voice , he sounds incredibly lonely.

 

So what? He's a grown man and if he truly is unhappy, he'll do something about it and make changes. Though with that said, him reaching out to you again just shows how selfish he is. Did he ever think at all the affect it would have on you? NO. He didn't. After all that you went through and he's damn well aware of it, still he is trying to woo you and get your attention, not caring what it's doing to you. He cares about himself only.

I am talking to someone that lives in my city (ive posted about it elsewhere on LS) that I like quite a bit, though that situation has also been driving me mad because its currently along the Long Distance lines while im here. Im hoping I can make it work with this new guy when I go back, I really do, because I like him a lot. But the LDR thing right now, or whatever it is, is stressing me out. In some ways I think I thought talking to MM would make me distracted from my other frustrations. He always had a way of making me feel beautiful and wanted, mostly.

 

DO not use exMM as a distraction or to make yourself feel good/better. Your LDR will work out in time but if you focus on exMM, your chances will disappear because you'll invest in exMM again, ridding of any feelings you have for this new guy.

 

 

I havent agreed to meet him. I wasnt quite together enough not to respond to that email but I havent agreed to meet him. I guess that's something.

 

Ongoing support here helps guys. thanks. keeps me on track a bit.

 

DO not meet him. If you do, welcome back to hurt, pain and confusion and you know better not to.

 

I will kick your butt back into reality anytime, so do keep posting! Stay strong and focus on the real people in your life, not someone who hurt you deeply from your past.