After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[Decisiontomake]

Run! If he had come back divorced - different matter - but in the three years since, he hasn't made any changes in that respect. Tempting? Of course it is! But you know you'll feel terrible again afterwards. Stay strong.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Same song, second verse!

 

Kismet, go back and read your old threads and then reevaluate your current situation. Perhaps the pain is like child birth and you do forget with time. Nothing good will come from this. He's trolling, why now? Well, lets see... We know he's a cheater, surely that didnt end with you. Looks like someone rejected him and poor guy was without a backup! Don't be that person! Show him how much you've grown by ending contact... AGAIN!

 

I wouldn't let a few words derail my life, not after what you've been through with him!

[FusionCutter]

So whatever happened to Michael?

[KismetGirl]

I didn't know that divorce had to be a mutally agree decision. He can divorce her if he wants to. What he probably means is that she might make life difficult for him if he insists on a divorce and he can't be bothered with the hassle.

 

Yes this is exactly what he means-- that it will turn south quickly, and he's stressed many times he can't fathom a life where he isn't able to see his children every day after work....i think that's the main thing that keeps him where he is to be honest. People keep saying that's a poor reason, and I do realise that people get used to divorce situations and seeing their kids on certain days, but i suppose if you're not there yet its hard to fathom. His children are all still fairly young.

 

Sigh. It's hard. Eight weeks until I leave again....I suppose I can hold out eight more weeks.

Edited November 7, 2014 by KismetGirl

[beach]

Yes this is exactly what he means-- that it will turn south quickly, and he's stressed many times he can't fathom a life where he isn't able to see his children every day after work....i think that's the main thing that keeps him where he is to be honest. People keep saying that's a poor reason, and I do realise that people get used to divorce situations and seeing their kids on certain days, but i suppose if you're not there yet its hard to fathom. His children are all still fairly young.

 

It's not what keeps him there.

 

If he wants to see his kids everyday - even if divorced - he would be able to. Unless he's an abusive criminal or a druggy courts don't generally keep any parent from kids.

 

You should get honest with yourself to heal faster.

[jellybean89]

Kismet, stop making excuses for him not divorcing. It's all BS and you know it. So in 3 years you changed emails, cell phone numbers and where you live and work?

 

He is pathetic and you are showing how needy you are by allowing him back into your life, all on the premise you are leaving in 2 months. Stop already

 

Either jump back in or ignore it. You know he used you for 5 long years...broken promises left and right. Yet, 1"I miss you" and you are a puddle.

 

His wife won't let him divorce? What a joke. Millions of people divorce, even die hard Catholics. And yep, you are buying into the sorry excuse of not seeing his kids. He had no problem for 5 years not seeing his kids when he was involved in the affair with you. But now he just can't share custody? BS.

 

Here's a thought --- call his wife. Ask her what she thinks.

 

I pity you that you don't think enough of yourself to not tell him to FO.

[KismetGirl]

Exactly and you do not know his life, what goes on behind closed door. Do not give him the benefit out doubt. He's a proven liar and a cheater. You don't know if any of what he's told you is true, in fact he could have easily lied about saying his wife wrote you that email. Maybe it was him!

 

It's not easy to walk away, which is why he hasn't! Though people do it ALL the time, if they really want a divorce.

 

 

 

So what? He's a grown man and if he truly is unhappy, he'll do something about it and make changes. Though with that said, him reaching out to you again just shows how selfish he is. Did he ever think at all the affect it would have on you? NO. He didn't. After all that you went through and he's damn well aware of it, still he is trying to woo you and get your attention, not caring what it's doing to you. He cares about himself only.

 

 

DO not use exMM as a distraction or to make yourself feel good/better. Your LDR will work out in time but if you focus on exMM, your chances will disappear because you'll invest in exMM again, ridding of any feelings you have for this new guy.

 

 

 

 

DO not meet him. If you do, welcome back to hurt, pain and confusion and you know better not to.

 

I will kick your butt back into reality anytime, so do keep posting! Stay strong and focus on the real people in your life, not someone who hurt you deeply from your past.

 

WWIU,

 

thanks-- you've been following my story for years and i have no idea who you are ;-)

 

He seems fairly honest in some respects at times-- he said there were two after me. One was a one time thing, the other one a few times. I am undeniably the name in his household that brings anger though, since I was around the longest. His wife still asks him about me on occasion, so I dont think her guard is down at all. They still go to couples counseling. He's discussed divorce but can't seem to get his head around the idea even though he's saying the only thing keeping him there is children.

 

Regardless it doesnt matter I know. I do miss the idea of him-- you know, that perfect match you have with someone where you can talk, make love, hang out, and everything seems organic and fluid about your interactions. Maybe in another life he and I would have worked out. Logically I know that it's not possible, and to be honest, I don't want the baggage of a dude with a ex-wife and three kids even if he did get divorced. I'm at a prime age to get married and do the family thing myself, and I do want that for myself. Of course I do.

 

No doubt he's also having a little bit of an imminent mid-life crisis. I'm sure he does legitmately miss me in some ways.

 

But what is not meant to be, will not be, I guess. As it never was meant to me.

 

I am trying to focus on LDR guy and that I will see him in 8-9 weeks or so. Hoping once I fly back that I'll be entrenched in this potentially healthy relationship instead of thinking about this. It's just so odd that he catches me right before I'm leaving, just enough time to get my head in a whorl.

 

Funny how things pan out.

 

He did say, when he contacted me "i have way too much respect for you, i dont want to hurt you, so if yo uwant me to sod off just tell me". I didnt tell him that, just said I didnt know what to say. I havent agreed to meet him, so i think that's something, i'm just trying to gather strength to tell him we can't talk anymore. I've avoided responding to the last email altogether but I didnt delete it either. I'm hovering a bit. For obvious reasons.

[veryhappy]

I so feel for you. I remember your user name and the first association is "tumultuous". I don't even want to go back to read your story, I'm pretty sure I'd want to punch this guy. He has one thing going for him, he's told you the truth even if it doesn't sound too good. He's the garden variety of having an affair to get mommy's attention, he does, they do endless counseling and work and declare the marriage saved, with a little bump of an affair here and there and the vague feeling for him from time to time that something is missing.

 

 

If I were you I would ask you wth was the learning from all that counseling. Two affairs in three years and contacting you now with the same lines of being a victim don't outline any progress to me.

 

The reason he's contacted you is to alleviate his guilt and to cope with the fact that his option is going away. I am sure that all this time in his mind if he were to magically get divorced (mommy allowed it or who knows), you would have been his option. It's a cozy idea to keep him comfort when times are not so amazing as the holidays cards I'm sure she's sending out. He's panicking now and wanting to make sure you still care. Never mind this will break your heart again at a time when you need to focus on the future.

 

 

I have no advice for you other than truly look out for yourself and stand grounded in reality. Don't let him get what he wants at your expense.

Edited November 7, 2014 by cutedragon

[beach]

So he's a serial cheater since he's also had several others since you haven't seen him.

 

The man is a blatant cheater who will always cheat. Would you want that to be your husband and your worry? I hope not.

 

He's at a dry spell and checking to see if you're easy and available. That way he doesn't have to start at the beginning and train a new gal.

 

It's no mid life crisis - this is his lack of character. I wish you'd quit minimizing his jerky behavior by making excuses for him.

 

He is the type who will always cheat.

[Ruffian1]

Well since you mentioned she don't want a divorce because she is religious . . . know this. . . . she actually can divorce him . . . . without blame or fault . . . for his adultery.

 

 

You shall not divorce your spouse, except for sexual immorality, aka adultery (committed against you by the other spouse).

 

 

Yep she would be free and blameless to file for divorce.

 

 

Him on the other hand . . . not so much.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, stop making excuses for him not divorcing. It's all BS and you know it. So in 3 years you changed emails, cell phone numbers and where you live and work?

 

He is pathetic and you are showing how needy you are by allowing him back into your life, all on the premise you are leaving in 2 months. Stop already

 

Either jump back in or ignore it. You know he used you for 5 long years...broken promises left and right. Yet, 1"I miss you" and you are a puddle.

 

His wife won't let him divorce? What a joke. Millions of people divorce, even die hard Catholics. And yep, you are buying into the sorry excuse of not seeing his kids. He had no problem for 5 years not seeing his kids when he was involved in the affair with you. But now he just can't share custody? BS.

 

Here's a thought --- call his wife. Ask her what she thinks.

 

I pity you that you don't think enough of yourself to not tell him to FO.

 

Actually...yeah. I left the country three years ago around the time we stopped talking, so, yes i had a different phone, didnt use my old email anymore, etc.

 

But i digress-- apparently he has been trying to get in touch with me for a while, as i said...old coworker said he asked her at least a year ago if she knew how to get in touch with me. But that's also by the by.

 

When we had our affair he still saw his kids every day....I quite got the raw end of the stick in that. He never sacrificed family time for me, i assure you.

He would sneak out of work for me, yes. He would leave for work in the morning an hour earlier, yes. A bunch of times we managed to finage a few hours after work. I often used my very flexible work schedule at the time to make time during the work day for him. But he definitely didnt sacrifice family time to be with me, so no, this isn't a new thing. His kids have always been his #1 priority, which is fine, and all I'm saying is I can understand why its hard for him to do the divorce thing. Surely other people out there were terrified of it. Maybe some went through with it and some didnt.

 

Anyway all that doesnt matter, i havent met him. This re-connection of sorts has just put a bit of whirlwind in my head is all. I think with good reason considering I have known him a very long time and spend a large amount of emotional time on him at one point before suddenly cutting contact. I think it makes sense that after all this time I'd be curious to open the email, that in my dazed half-awake state would write back, would not be feeling a bit of sentimental longing. I dont think its pathetic or odd. I think its pretty normal.

 

I didnt come on here to be ostracized. I would think everyone here has at one point or another thought with their emotions before their heads. It's much easier to give advice than to live it, yes?

[KismetGirl]

I so feel for you. I remember your user name and the first association is "tumultuous". I don't even want to go back to read your story, I'm pretty sure I'd want to punch this guy. He has one thing going for him, he's told you the truth even if it doesn't sound too good. He's the garden variety of having an affair to get mommy's attention, he does, they do endless counseling and work and declare the marriage saved, with a little bump of an affair here and there and the vague feeling for him from time to time that something is missing.

 

 

If I were you I would ask you wth was the learning from all that counseling. Two affairs in three years and contacting you now with the same lines of being a victim don't outline any progress to me.

 

The reason he's contacted you is to alleviate his guilt and to cope with the fact that his option is going away. I am sure that all this time in his mind if he were to magically get divorced (mommy allowed it or who knows), you would have been his option. It's a cozy idea to keep him comfort when times are not so amazing as the holidays cards I'm sure she's sending out. He's panicking now and wanting to make sure you still care. Never mind this will break your heart again at a time when you need to focus on the future.

 

 

I have no advice for you other than truly look out for yourself and stand grounded in reality. Don't let him get what he wants at your expense.

 

To be honest, i asked what he learned from all the counseling-- his response was he learned that he and his wife are just two people that look at life and relationships in a completely different way. That they are good parents together and friends but that is it. That he has relegated himself to a life in which his family life is fabulous but his marital life is mediocre and unfullfilling. He has been very honest with the fact that when we were having our affair his erratic behaviour (would sporadically break up with me, have fights for no reason, be resistant) was because he felt bad for cheating, but that these days its not that he doesnt feel bad but that he's more jaded about the future of his marriage and that he's accepted that if he's not going to divorce right now then he'd rather have me a little in his life, if i allow it, than none at all. Obviously he would like to have sex again, he's a man, im not an idiot, but he's said if all i was willing to give him was my friendship he'd take it. He knows Im leaving soon again and my contact with him would be nothing but talking. He knows Im talking to another guy and could potentially be in my own relationship.

 

I did have boyfriends in the time span that we had an affair and during those relationships i did not have an affair with him and kept it friendly.

[KismetGirl]

So he's a serial cheater since he's also had several others since you haven't seen him.

 

The man is a blatant cheater who will always cheat. Would you want that to be your husband and your worry? I hope not.

 

He's at a dry spell and checking to see if you're easy and available. That way he doesn't have to start at the beginning and train a new gal.

 

It's no mid life crisis - this is his lack of character. I wish you'd quit minimizing his jerky behavior by making excuses for him.

 

He is the type who will always cheat.

 

I dont think she wants a divorce....she's probably content with the marriage, barring his cheating. Ten years ago when I met him , before anything happened with him and we were just friendly, he told me they had no spark. I dont think they ever did, to be honest. I think they are two best friends who got married and 15 years later are stuck.

 

Ive never been married but I imagine that happens a lot.

 

There weren't any torrid affairs after me-- when I left I suppose he tried to find some other replacement for his longings. One was a one time thing he expressed extreme regret over. The other was a dalliance of a few times that never went anywhere either. I was a 5 year thing....i would hope i was considered on a different level than the other two.

 

I dont think he is a "serial" cheater in the sense that he's incapable of having one woman and jumps from one to another. I think he's just unfulfilled and instead of doing the right thing and divorcing and trying to make his fear of part-time fatherhood work....he's being a bit selfish and trying to maintain the status quo of his white-picket fence family life, while fulfilling that inner emptiness about his love life elsewhere. It's very selfish, for sure, but I do understand the concept in some ways. It doesn't excuse his behaviour. He should man up and make a decision and take advantage of whatever youth he has left to find true happiness. Hell, im the product of divorced parents and aside from my occasional poor relationship choices I turned out fine.

[Hope Shimmers]

This re-connection of sorts has just put a bit of whirlwind in my head is all. I think with good reason considering I have known him a very long time and spend a large amount of emotional time on him at one point before suddenly cutting contact. I think it makes sense that after all this time I'd be curious to open the email, that in my dazed half-awake state would write back, would not be feeling a bit of sentimental longing. I dont think its pathetic or odd. I think its pretty normal.

 

I didnt come on here to be ostracized. I would think everyone here has at one point or another thought with their emotions before their heads. It's much easier to give advice than to live it, yes?

 

Kismet,

 

I don't think people are trying to ostracize you. But, I was here in 2009 when you were posting your threads about this man and I remember you (I posted under a different name then). In several ways my story is similar to yours. I have lived plenty of the same straightforward advice that you are getting so yes it's hard, but what you should take from that is that your tendency to defend him and minimize his actions is telling - it means you aren't strongly in the corner of taking care of and respecting yourself enough to see this man for who he is. Dangerous.

 

I think the worrisome thing for many who remember those posts (and many who don't) was that in this thread you seemed to be wavering back on the edge of that cliff. Feeling sorry for him because he's married, etc. that is a hard place to see someone without trying to pull them back to safety before they take that leap again.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kismet,

 

I'm sure I've said this before but I'll mention it again. Every time things are going well for you, it seems you find an opportunity to sabotage it, shoot yourself in the foot, if you will. Take this opportunity to make the best decision for yourself and not one that will set you back. I get that you didn't ask for this, but that doesn't mean you have a reason to entertain it. Keep moving on.

[Hope Shimmers]

I dont think he is a "serial" cheater in the sense that he's incapable of having one woman and jumps from one to another. I think he's just unfulfilled and instead of doing the right thing and divorcing and trying to make his fear of part-time fatherhood work....he's being a bit selfish and trying to maintain the status quo of his white-picket fence family life, while fulfilling that inner emptiness about his love life elsewhere.

 

This is more denial, minimization, and excuses. Please see it for what it is - it will help you not go back to that place that you are thinking about right now. And you ARE thinking about it...

 

He is most certainly a serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who has more than one affair (ie, in a series). There's no rule about having to jump from one to another. Although it would not surprise me if the information you received about these affairs represented only a fraction of what actually happened after D day.

[velvette]

This is more denial, minimization, and excuses. Please see it for what it is - it will help you not go back to that place that you are thinking about right now. And you ARE thinking about it...

 

He is most certainly a serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who has more than one affair (ie, in a series). There's no rule about having to jump from one to another. Although it would not surprise me if the information you received about these affairs represented only a fraction of what actually happened after D day.

 

This. He is most definitely a serial cheater and you probably don't know the half of it.

 

 

You are his back up plan. Don't be someones back up plan.

[bathtub-row]

Kismet, I don't know the whole history here but I kind of understand what you're going through. A lot of people say that NC is the answer, and that may or may not be true in your case. I'm still somewhat in contact with my xMM - mostly because he owns the company I work at. Still, our contact is minimal. The other day he texted me and told me it made his day to see me smile. This stuff makes me happy but in another sense it means little to me because I know that ultimately we would go nowhere. I'm making plans to leave the company but I will probably never lose complete touch with xMM even after I leave. He's very dear to me and he always will be. But I'm always protective of my heart and I know for a fact that I will never start up the affair with him again. It made me miserable and I don't ever want to go through that again.

 

Whether you continue to talk to your xMM or not, I hope you'll never lose sight of how important it is for your own well-being not to go down that path again. Also he needs to stop making excuses about why he hasn't left his marriage. I would tell him that if I were you.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, I don't know the whole history here but I kind of understand what you're going through. A lot of people say that NC is the answer, and that may or may not be true in your case. I'm still somewhat in contact with my xMM - mostly because he owns the company I work at. Still, our contact is minimal. The other day he texted me and told me it made his day to see me smile. This stuff makes me happy but in another sense it means little to me because I know that ultimately we would go nowhere. I'm making plans to leave the company but I will probably never lose complete touch with xMM even after I leave. He's very dear to me and he always will be. But I'm always protective of my heart and I know for a fact that I will never start up the affair with him again. It made me miserable and I don't ever want to go through that again.

 

Whether you continue to talk to your xMM or not, I hope you'll never lose sight of how important it is for your own well-being not to go down that path again. Also he needs to stop making excuses about why he hasn't left his marriage. I would tell him that if I were you.

 

Yes I think this part bothers me for some reason-- i really want to tell him that its all bull****.

 

he's being much more open in the last couple days we've spoken than he used to be. he was quite guarded in the past about most things-- about his wife, his own feelings, about his feelings for me. There is something very different in the way he is speaking now about what he wants overall, but he still can't seem to take that step to just LEAVE a situation that he is obviously not happy with. When I responded to him I could practically hear the smile over the phone. I get that Im wonderful and all, but the fact that a phone call with me made him so effing thrilled makes me think he's just not that happy overall. And I really would love to just say for once-- just getting an effing divorce, your kids are small and will get over it, you will have plenty of time with them, take the chance to be in a happy relationship now. Surely, i think, as children get older they will realise mom and dad are just not in love, at all. I dont think he thinks about it that way. Maybe I should tell him, just to get all my own thoughts out. I never said these things to him in the past-- frankly i never spoke to him about his marriage in the past or his feelings about anything, we just avoided these topics and immersed in the fantasy of being together in that moment.

 

Anyway yes its really tempting to keep talking to him, at the least. I know i cant do what i did before, please believe that-- i cant deal with the sneaking, the rushed meetings, the laying in bed after sex while he runs home to his wife before she notices its getting late, the disappointments of birthdays and plans to get dinner that end with me sitting by my window , getting a rushed text from him at the last second that he can't come anymore because his wife is suspicious of where he's going. Please believe me that I remember all of that and have no desire to deal with any of that s**t anymore ever again, or be in that position again.

 

But i am a curious person, and maybe it's a side effect of my job but i do wonder about why people do what they do, and this person in particular is one that was very close to me and i can't help but try to understand him sometimes. He did make me feel very good as well. We did have an amazing connection I have had with limited other people-- he truly did understand and accept many things about me that other people could not.

 

I sh*t you not for the first time in ten years he has talked to me about what it might have been like if we could have been together. How he dreams of the amazing relationship we could have had. Not once in our prior time together did he say these things, they were always avoided. Our relationship before was very much "in the moment" without the complication of thinking about "what could be" or stuff like that. Maybe his therapy over the last few years has made it easier for him to talk about these things, i dont know. But you have to udnerstand that for someone that was in love with him for years, and who he NEVER spoke to about his feelings, to finally get some understanding of how he thinks about me, about his marriage, about his life, and about how we could have been does give me some small amount of peace that i mattered, that i wasnt just a distraction, that i wasn't just forbidden fruit. Maybe that's why i responded to that email, maybe that's why i have spoken to him on the phone. I don't want to call it closure, per say, but it definitely is giving me some feeling of relief . It isn't making me sad like i thought it would.

 

I think about when i will leave in eight weeks, meeting this other LDR guy I've been talking to. About how he's a better option and i like him a lot, and most importantly he's not married lol. Because I want a bloody future with someone that can devote themselves to a relationship with me, obviously.

 

I wouldn't say i've fallen off the wagon, really. Maybe just looked back a bit to gain some new perspective on a situation that i have often thought about over the years even when i didnt talk to him. sometimes people need to understand things better. Maybe that's why he's here again, so i can get that. i dont know.

[torn87]

It really just sounds like this guy was hoping for one more last time with you before you leave the country try and presumably never see each other again. I know he says hell settle for conversation but that's because men know that's the easiest way to get into a woman's pants is thru their head he's really hoping you will be worn down by your own desires and his sweet words. Which he's already half way there miss "even if I do something g stupid I'm leaving in two months" your already seriously thinking about it and trying to convince yourself how to make it OK to do so. I know he says he respects you but if he really did he wouldn't have contacted you until he was single and could be in your life fully completely honestly out in the open. That what nice men do who are looking to share their lives and themselves with a partner. He's only looking to fill a void because he already has a partner and you aren't it. If u need reminding of how it is to be second best look at some of you old pain full posts. Remember how much it sucks to be at his beck and call having to wait all day for him to contact you cuz its not safe for you to contact him wanting to share silly things with him about your day but only having a 45 minute window to talk so its filled with phone sex and I miss yous which leave you feeling strangely disappointed and hollow at the end of or when you see pics of him and his wife together or when he goes on family vacations. You don't want thisit?gain that's why it ended in the first place cuz you want more than he can give you. And if your leaving in 2months anyway what's the point kismetgirl? What's in it for YOU? What do you want from this what would you be getting out of it? The only reason why hehe's being so open and candid is because your leaving so he's panicking having second thoughts cuz you will no longer be an option and if he's being honest with you why not be honest with him why not asking him the tough wuestions ? But there really is no point what will u gain from those answers especially knowing most of it will be lies bull**** and half truths besides CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT just leave it all BIM the convos the wondering the questions ALONE in the end and the big grand scheme of things its not going to change anything he can't be with you and you can't be friends or together if anything he says isn't going g two change those 2 realities none of it really matters

[KismetGirl]

It really just sounds like this guy was hoping for one more last time with you before you leave the country try and presumably never see each other again. I know he says hell settle for conversation but that's because men know that's the easiest way to get into a woman's pants is thru their head he's really hoping you will be worn down by your own desires and his sweet words. Which he's already half way there miss "even if I do something g stupid I'm leaving in two months" your already seriously thinking about it and trying to convince yourself how to make it OK to do so. I know he says he respects you but if he really did he wouldn't have contacted you until he was single and could be in your life fully completely honestly out in the open. That what nice men do who are looking to share their lives and themselves with a partner. He's only looking to fill a void because he already has a partner and you aren't it. If u need reminding of how it is to be second best look at some of you old pain full posts. Remember how much it sucks to be at his beck and call having to wait all day for him to contact you cuz its not safe for you to contact him wanting to share silly things with him about your day but only having a 45 minute window to talk so its filled with phone sex and I miss yous which leave you feeling strangely disappointed and hollow at the end of or when you see pics of him and his wife together or when he goes on family vacations. You don't want thisit?gain that's why it ended in the first place cuz you want more than he can give you. And if your leaving in 2months anyway what's the point kismetgirl? What's in it for YOU? What do you want from this what would you be getting out of it? The only reason why hehe's being so open and candid is because your leaving so he's panicking having second thoughts cuz you will no longer be an option and if he's being honest with you why not be honest with him why not asking him the tough wuestions ? But there really is no point what will u gain from those answers especially knowing most of it will be lies bull**** and half truths besides CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT just leave it all BIM the convos the wondering the questions ALONE in the end and the big grand scheme of things its not going to change anything he can't be with you and you can't be friends or together if anything he says isn't going g two change those 2 realities none of it really matters

 

I probably should have specified that when he made contact with me two days ago, he thought I was still overseas. He did not know i am in this country again, even briefly. he assumed I am still far far, permanently away, and had no clue I am here for any time at all.

 

So i find it hard to believe he contacted me just to get laid one more time before i leave. When i first responded i did not tell him i am here, and he was telling me all the stuff about missing me, thinking about me, wanting to just talk again, hoping im enjoying my new life overseas.

 

Im sure he was thrilled to find out i am actually here for two months, but no, he did not know that when he contacted me, at all. So im not trying to defend him unnecessarily but your accusation is misplaced in that regard....

 

I realise he's being a selfish b***tard with regards to not divorcing when he's unhappy and all that, but I've always wondered why it's so difficult to also assume that maybe, just maybe, some of these MM's actually do just care about absolutely anyone? It is remotely possible that aside from using me as a sex pincushion he actually did, at some point, like conversations with me? jeez.

[meandmycats]

Yes I think this part bothers me for some reason-- i really want to tell him that its all bull****.

 

he's being much more open in the last couple days we've spoken than he used to be. he was quite guarded in the past about most things-- about his wife, his own feelings, about his feelings for me. There is something very different in the way he is speaking now about what he wants overall, but he still can't seem to take that step to just LEAVE a situation that he is obviously not happy with. When I responded to him I could practically hear the smile over the phone. I get that Im wonderful and all, but the fact that a phone call with me made him so effing thrilled makes me think he's just not that happy overall. And I really would love to just say for once-- just getting an effing divorce, your kids are small and will get over it, you will have plenty of time with them, take the chance to be in a happy relationship now. Surely, i think, as children get older they will realise mom and dad are just not in love, at all. I dont think he thinks about it that way. Maybe I should tell him, just to get all my own thoughts out. I never said these things to him in the past-- frankly i never spoke to him about his marriage in the past or his feelings about anything, we just avoided these topics and immersed in the fantasy of being together in that moment.

 

Anyway yes its really tempting to keep talking to him, at the least. I know i cant do what i did before, please believe that-- i cant deal with the sneaking, the rushed meetings, the laying in bed after sex while he runs home to his wife before she notices its getting late, the disappointments of birthdays and plans to get dinner that end with me sitting by my window , getting a rushed text from him at the last second that he can't come anymore because his wife is suspicious of where he's going. Please believe me that I remember all of that and have no desire to deal with any of that s**t anymore ever again, or be in that position again.

 

But i am a curious person, and maybe it's a side effect of my job but i do wonder about why people do what they do, and this person in particular is one that was very close to me and i can't help but try to understand him sometimes. He did make me feel very good as well. We did have an amazing connection I have had with limited other people-- he truly did understand and accept many things about me that other people could not.

 

I sh*t you not for the first time in ten years he has talked to me about what it might have been like if we could have been together. How he dreams of the amazing relationship we could have had. Not once in our prior time together did he say these things, they were always avoided. Our relationship before was very much "in the moment" without the complication of thinking about "what could be" or stuff like that. Maybe his therapy over the last few years has made it easier for him to talk about these things, i dont know. But you have to udnerstand that for someone that was in love with him for years, and who he NEVER spoke to about his feelings, to finally get some understanding of how he thinks about me, about his marriage, about his life, and about how we could have been does give me some small amount of peace that i mattered, that i wasnt just a distraction, that i wasn't just forbidden fruit. Maybe that's why i responded to that email, maybe that's why i have spoken to him on the phone. I don't want to call it closure, per say, but it definitely is giving me some feeling of relief . It isn't making me sad like i thought it would.

 

I think about when i will leave in eight weeks, meeting this other LDR guy I've been talking to. About how he's a better option and i like him a lot, and most importantly he's not married lol. Because I want a bloody future with someone that can devote themselves to a relationship with me, obviously.

 

I wouldn't say i've fallen off the wagon, really. Maybe just looked back a bit to gain some new perspective on a situation that i have often thought about over the years even when i didnt talk to him. sometimes people need to understand things better. Maybe that's why he's here again, so i can get that. i dont know.

 

 

Sorry, but kids never 'get over it'. My Dad had a four year affair and crushed my poor Mum beyond recognition at the discovery of it.

 

 

They got through it, and years later are content and happy together. I love my Dad, I do, but I will NEVER forget what he did to my Mum. She didn't ask to be in an open marriage without her consent (something she said regularly).

 

 

It was the cruelest thing he ever did to a woman who adored him. That blind faith gave him free reign to satisfy HIMSELF any way he wanted.

 

 

Don't for one minute fool yourself into thinking that the children will 'get over it', no matter what age they are, it will grow up with them and stain their lives and future relationships believe me.

[KismetGirl]

Sorry, but kids never 'get over it'. My Dad had a four year affair and crushed my poor Mum beyond recognition at the discovery of it.

 

 

They got through it, and years later are content and happy together. I love my Dad, I do, but I will NEVER forget what he did to my Mum. She didn't ask to be in an open marriage without her consent (something she said regularly).

 

 

It was the cruelest thing he ever did to a woman who adored him. That blind faith gave him free reign to satisfy HIMSELF any way he wanted.

 

 

Don't for one minute fool yourself into thinking that the children will 'get over it', no matter what age they are, it will grow up with them and stain their lives and future relationships believe me.

 

I said they will get over divorce, as many people grow up and have normal lives with divorced and re-married parents.

 

I do not think they will be discussing with their 6, 7, 8 year old children that daddy is unsatisfied with the marital standing and at one time had a mistress, so yeah, no i dont think it will affect them.

 

My parents divorced, pretty sure from things i learned later that one or both of them cheated, and i dont resent anyone, im an adult. They had their own lives and reasons for doing what they did, and they are both remarried and while it would be nice to have had them together i dont resent either of them and just want them both to be happy, because they are not just my parents, they are human beings. Anyone who thinks people should stay together just to not upset their children are selfish twats, because if you think children also dont notice when two people are in a miserable relationship once they get older, think again. They had no intentions of sharing such sordid information with me when i was like 10 years old, so the fact in and of itself that they divorced, i got over it, just like most other kids get over it.

 

My mother never said one bad word about my father, not even once, and im sure that helped our overall situation. Im sorry you had to hear all the details of your parents relationship, im sure that was not easy, but with all due respect, im fairly certain in this case his three small children would be unaware that an affair ever had any standing in their parents relationship. Not unless their parents let them know about it.

 

If he ended up with me then maybe at some point someone would say something. But let's assume he just divorces and it has nothing to do with me-- there's no reason for his kids to ever know that 30 years ago he and i had an affair. i mean really thats just common sense. I came from the same situation as you did and im perfectly fine and understanding it as an adult. As a child i was the eldest and i learned more details than i should have back then and they bothered me a bit, but my younger siblings? they had no clue, at all, until we were much older and they could handle such information as adults i suppose. But maybe everyone handles things differently-- i appreciate your anecdotal evidence, but it is not necessarily applicable to every single divorced couple in which at some point one or both partners had an affair.

Edited November 7, 2014 by KismetGirl

[Hope Shimmers]

Well great then Kismet. Sounds like you've got it all worked out! Good luck with that.

 

You only respond to select few individuals who reply to you - you completely ignore the ones who say things you REALLY don't want to hear or things that it's hard for you to defend. The rest of the time you defend MM, say how much he must still care about you, how he's being so nice and "open" to you now (well of course - wait until he's got you reeled back in, then no more need for that). You say how he's such a misunderstood, poor MM in a marriage that makes him miserable and he's such a martyr though that he's staying for his kids. What a guy!

 

What you don't know yet is there is always something. When the kids graduate high school then it will be because he's looking forward to being a grandfather. It never ends. I'm sure he cares for you, but he will never care enough to be with you in the way that you want. He's even proving that now. Heck, why should he when all he has to do is call you and you melt?

 

What a huge ego boost this guy is going to get when he finds out that even after all these years you've been pining away for him so much that you'll jump right back into bed with him. And he didn't have to do anything but call and mess with your head with how caring he's suddenly being. He sure will know he doesn't need to get a divorce!

 

I don't know why you're posting, but you aren't ready to take advice and you have made up your mind to again enter the world of self-destruction voluntarily by sleeping with another woman's husband, and one who caused you some of the most pain imaginable for 5 precious years of your life that were wasted on him. So don't listen to the 4 pages of advice here from people who took the time to try to help you. But don't be surprised when you end up right back where you left off.

 

I'm out.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[torn87]

Hey kismet I didn't mean to make any accusations I was just trying to give you a fee ideas as to why he contacted you. Its completely possible that he cares about you he's a human being I'm sure at one time he was very much in love with you and still maybe...but so what? He cares about you but not enough to be with you is the bottom line and any contact with him prevents you from moving on and having that full life with someone else that you mentioned you wanted. You said you want kids and a life of you own... Can you have that with MM guy? All these answers and reassurances you want to hear are just going to confuse you again and trap you in that emotional affair cyclone and prevent you from having a healthy open honest relationship with this new LD guy...how could you possibly move on in life with a new relationship if your still in contact and wishing and pinning for someone else entertaining ideas of an alternate reality with MM just hinders you from living this reality to its fullest