After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[KismetGirl]

Another thought re: his unhappiness. A guy like this--who is too immature and screwed up to be honest with his partner/the mother of his children--might be "unhappy" single, unhappy married, unhappy with children, unhappy childless, unhappy having sex each night with a different worshipful supermodel. Instead of integrating his life and being open, upfront, and transparent, he's the kind of guy who cheats. Instead of working on himself, he gets emotional/sexual release outside of his real relationship, with someone (KismetGirl) he never has to be answerable to, someone he can cut out of his life at will. It's kind of like turning to an addiction (alcohol, porn, gambling, food) for comfort instead of really being truthful and present with yourself. MC can help some people, I think, but not someone like him, who sabotages it by lying to his real partner and cheating on her.

 

I agree with posters who have said staying in a terrible relationship "for the children" isn't necessarily best for the children. But I think being honest with your partner rather than lying to him/her and cheating on him/her is ALWAYS best "for the children." This guy is not thinking of his children, he's just thinking of himself.

 

Actually he is thinking of his children, or at least he thinks he is.

 

If he was only thinking of himself he would have just left his wife a long time ago.

 

He talks to me even when he can't get sex from me because I live in another country. He gets an emotional connection with me he does not have with his wife. He always has. He has tried to find a replacement for me when I was gone, to find someone else who made him feel good and he never could. He always found his way back to me, even when I was half a world away. To me this shows quite clearly he is not just seeking sex, nor just seeking any kind of distraction. believe it or not, people, he actually does love me. Enough to risk his entire way of life just by talking to me, when trust me, if his wife knew he so much as said hello to me again, she would lose it completely.

 

he has stayed with her for a long time, gone to marital counseling, gone to therapy, and everything else because he has desperately tried to make himself believe he can be happy with her so that he isn't looking to me all the time. After all that, it hasnt worked.

 

If his children didn't exist he would have left a long time ago. He is not being kind to his wife, that much I will admit. He is not thinking of her in all this, because he knows how hurt she has likely been throughout all this.

 

But his children, I can say with 100% definite confidence, are what he thinks of constantly and are the one reason he has stayed married, tried to work on his relationship with his wife, and not left.

 

His selfishness has been that instead of leaving his wife a decade ago and done the difficult thing he took the easy way of an affair to try to be intrinsically happy while still being the responsible husband and father on the outside. It hasn't worked and it won't work in the long run.

 

He has made a mess by staying married knowing that he's not happy. He becomes more unhappy as each day goes. But he tells himself that above all else, if he has his children with him then he can sarcrifice his personal happiness. I think that this is foolish, but I'm not him and I can't make him see that as they get older they will begin to notice the resentment he has for their mother. His marriage has slowly unraveled and disintegrated over the years. He tried to fix it by working on the marriage, knowing he is not in love with his wife, but stupidly still trying to force something that has never been there and never will be. And now he has truly nailed his coffin shut by getting her pregnant again.

 

Trust me when I said, again, that I have known him a long time. I met him when he had only one child. When he told me about the pregnancies for his second and third children, I remember him still seeming fairly happy about it-- he was still excited to be a father a 2nd and 3rd time. That was over 7 years ago. With this newest pregnancy he seems miserable. I'm not sure what you guys know about marital counseling, but encouraging re-emergence of a sexual connectivity between the spouses is a large part of the counseling. Even though he is not in love with her they continued to have sex, and she now got pregnant. That in no way means he is in love with her, or wanted another child. He's stuck where he is now, but he is not happy. His only joy in life as far as his home life is spending him with his children, but otherwise he lives in a bubble of monotony. He goes through the motions.

 

When he saw me the other week, there was life in his eyes again. If all he wanted was sex, he could easily find it elsewhere. He is a very good looking man, charming , and women fall for him quite easily. He knows I won't even be here soon and he has begged me to just stay in touch with him because he hasn't been this happy in years as when he was able to reconnect with me.

 

So, in a strange way, as far as his realtionship with his wife he is thinking about himself and being selfish. But strangely the only reason he bothers to stay married is because of his children. He just doesnt realise that if he would have left ten years ago that he could have had a relationship with his children regardless, and still also given his wife AND himself a chance to be intrinsically happy.

[KismetGirl]

Happiness is subjective.

 

I still don't understand why so many AP get hung up....on the WS is sooo unhappy. I am their true happiness.

 

People get joy from lots of things....their children, their dog, their favourite chair, their job, their garden. Remove any of those and they would be to some degree unhappy.

 

Remove it all...and they will be miserable.

 

For many WS whatever benefits that the AP brings to the table...when they tally up the whole of their life...the affair isn't worth losing everything else. And yes, often times.. Just losing their spouse isn't worth it.

 

There are BS who bring lots to the table as well....good parent, loyal, caring, an income, good character traits...etc. For many WS, they know that they have no legitimate complaints about their spouse...they just want something on the side to supplement...because it is easier than working on figuring out what is lacking inside of them. Or, they never learned how to self-soothe, and use other people to make themselves feel better with ego boosts.

 

I also don't understand the need that some AP have...to insist that the WS will spend their life pining away for them....forever moping through their life, never a smile or laugh to cross their lips.

 

Is that how life works? Really?

 

Do people spend their lives unfulfilled and miserable because this one relationship didn't work out?

 

Or does time move on. Needs change. Views change. Life changes.

 

Are we all not becoming someone new, slowly, day by day?

 

Yep. As time goes he has learned one thing with more clarity-- that his marriage doesn't make him happy, and neither does random hook ups with women he doesnt care about.

 

After ten YEARS the one person he has come back to over and over again is me.

 

That's a fact, and not an opinion.

 

I have moved halfway around the world, to another country. I have refused sex many times.

 

At the end of the day , he has thought of me, missed me, and come back to me, even if only to talk to me and have some kind of friendship with me because he loves me. I hate to break it to you, but sometimes the OW or affair partner IS what the WS needs to be happy. Once in a while, shocker, they actually do fall in love with us.

 

But love is not enough, and life is not that simple.

 

Moreso than his desire to be in love and have personal romantic happiness, is his fear of losing his children. This is and has always been the number one deterrant of him leaving his marriage.

 

Secondary reasons are social stigma, loss of mutual in-laws/friends, financial despair.

 

He has known me a decade. In that time he has gotten caught by his wife with me, has made her completely untrusting of him. He has attempted to fill the void he feels when I'm not there by trying to see other women and it hasn't worked.

 

Despite all the misery in his marriage, despite how unhappy his home life has been especially after his wife found out he was cheating....despite me moving to the other side of the planet and not talking to him for three years, he still found me again. He still tracked me down and begged me to talk to him again, knowing that if his wife found out he was talking to me whatever semblence of home life he has left would be ruined.

 

He can't seem to take the plunge to leave his marriage, but sometimes I wonder if he doesn't secretly hope that his wife will do it for him and leave him instead so he doesnt have to be the one to make the decision.

 

Inwardly I dont think he will ever leave of his own accord, primarily because of the aforementioned children + secondary reasons accompanying divorce. But I think I can say with confidence that the reason he has come back to me over and over after ten years is not because I'm convenient (for eff's sake I live a 13 hour plane ride away from him, I'm hardly "convenient"), but because he found in me someone he has fallen in love with and hasn't found that connection with in anyone else.

 

No matter what, at least i can be confident in that. And I find it insulting when people on here act as if a WS only chooses an OW or AP because hey, they might as well take any ol' person who is available.

[FusionCutter]

At the end of the day, as long as you're happy.

[whichwayisup]

Kismet, where do things stand now between you and him? Are you done with him or gonna keep contact going once you move?

 

Your last few posts, defending him, speaking on his behalf, just shows how much you're still very much in love with him and care for him. It's a shame you're so invested in him all over again. 3 years of NC, going on with your life and still after how he was so horrible to you, hurt you deeply, even now after finding out his wife is pregnant you're defending him like he's a victim, poor poor man who has an unhappy marriage and can't leave his children/family. He has chosen this path, he's a grown man and really who cares either way what his reasons truly are as to why he stays. Question is, where does this leave you? On the outside looking in. Again.

[KismetGirl]

At the end of the day, as long as you're happy.

 

At the end of the day I hope one day I am happy, wherever that happiness lays, sometimes Im not quite sure.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, where do things stand now between you and him? Are you done with him or gonna keep contact going once you move?

 

Your last few posts, defending him, speaking on his behalf, just shows how much you're still very much in love with him and care for him. It's a shame you're so invested in him all over again. 3 years of NC, going on with your life and still after how he was so horrible to you, hurt you deeply, even now after finding out his wife is pregnant you're defending him like he's a victim, poor poor man who has an unhappy marriage and can't leave his children/family. He has chosen this path, he's a grown man and really who cares either way what his reasons truly are as to why he stays. Question is, where does this leave you? On the outside looking in. Again.

 

At the end of the day nothing is happening with him. How can it? I'm not willing to be a blip on his screen as he goes home running to his other life.

 

I suppose it just makes me sad. I think inwardly sometimes I hoped that as he saw more and more how unhappy he was that he'd make changes in his life and that maybe I'd still be available , but it doesn't seem that's a reality or ever will be.

 

I'm still talking to this other guy back home who seems more of a potential , obviously, than MM ever has been or can be. I'm hoping when I return back that something will develop with him.

 

At the end of the day I want my own relationship that I don't have to hide. I want my own family.

 

I think when I'm far away again it'll be easier not to think about MM so much, to be honest. When Im in the same city as him he goes to the front of my mind more, I will admit. There is a depth of feelings there that are hard to totally get rid of, but they are easier to ignore and deal with when I am not so close to him.

 

In the meantime, yes, I do find myself defending him to an extent. I don't excuse his behaviour, please believe. I find it abhorrent that he has allowed this charade to continue when he should have divorced long ago. I find it infuriating that he got his wife pregnant again when I know he didn't want that and any moron with working knowledge of reproduction should have been able to avoid.

 

I hate him and love him at the same time but in my heart I know there is no future with him because he is too scared to make changes and I can't sit and wait for him.

 

I guess I'm hoping I find another relationship that I'm happy with and will then be able to forget about him much more. It's hard while Im here, I will admit. But Im leaving in eight weeks. Maybe that's a blessing.

[bathtub-row]

MM seem to love the OW more when he can't have her. Let him pine away for you and be happy that you're a part of his thoughts each night before he falls to sleep. But don't let him put you in another heartbreaking situation. Be glad that you're not him; stuck in a marriage with yet another kid to cement his grave even deeper. You have options and the hope of moving on to something better. He doesn't.

 

It's my distinct memory that there are few things worse than being in a bad marriage. Very few things...

[AlwaysGrowing]

You yourself call your affair..a blip on the screen from which he runs from.

 

Does that sound like love?

 

It doesn't seem like you want/accept his version of love.

 

If you believe that there is someone else out there that can make you happy, doesn't that hold true for him as well? Do you honestly believe that we each only get one person...and if it slips by...too bad...you are stuck being unhappy your whole life?

 

I get the feeling that you think it says something about you, if he was indeed happy with his life overall. That you are some how worth less than. Now, don't get me wrong....I bet he thought his life was just perfect when he had you and his wife/family at the same time. There was a cost for that though....a cost both you and his wife have had to pay.

 

 

As long as you defend this MM, you will be sending yourself the message that it is okay for others to treat you poorly....as long as it makes their life easier.

 

Woman to woman here....whether or not you are his one true soulmate it doesn't change the fact....his expectation of having you in his life to the detriment of yours....is highly insulting and disrespectful. I truly hate to see women put their self worth in the hands of anyone other than their own.

 

This man is not worthy of your defence of him. He simply isn't. He is a product of his own choices.

[xxoo]

At the end of the day I hope one day I am happy, wherever that happiness lays, sometimes Im not quite sure.

 

That's a good place to set your sights. Contentment, peace, and gratitude are gold. When you have these, the person who brings angst into your life is easier to reject, even if they also bring elation.

[jellybean89]

Like others have said, you continue to defend him when in reality, you don't have a clue what his life has been like for the last 3 years. He wants someone to adore him and worship him and he has found that in you. You even keep talking about him one day leaving and if you will still be available. He's NOT leaving...no matter how much you want him to, no matter how much YOU think he is so unhappy, no matter how much YOU think he needs to divorce, etc.

 

He's staying married...that says it all. The rest is just noise.

[Hope Shimmers]

If he was only thinking of himself he would have just left his wife a long time ago.

 

I suspect if you stay around until his kids are grown (although he keeps making that more and more difficult - why would he do that if he truly wants to leave?) then you will learn differently.

 

He talks to me even when he can't get sex from me because I live in another country. He gets an emotional connection with me he does not have with his wife. He always has.

 

Mine has too, and continues to try, despite the same geographical challenges as you. So yes, it's more than sex. It doesn't change one single thing though. Which is that (in his own words) that although things aren't as he wants in his marriage, he loves his wife.

 

He has tried to find a replacement for me when I was gone, to find someone else who made him feel good and he never could. He always found his way back to me, even when I was half a world away. To me this shows quite clearly he is not just seeking sex, nor just seeking any kind of distraction.

 

To me this shows that you are always there, even after years, and he knows it and relies on it.

 

It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you in his own way. But he doesn't love you enough to commit to you or respect you. Why don't you see that? Why do you insist on making excuse after excuse for his treating you like crap? Do you really have such low self-image?

 

I don't mean that in a mean way, because I certainly did have low self-image when I was where you are.

 

believe it or not, people, he actually does love me. Enough to risk his entire way of life just by talking to me, when trust me, if his wife knew he so much as said hello to me again, she would lose it completely.

 

You yourself said that his wife isn't going anywhere. ("I don't think she's in denial anymore so much as she is in placid acceptance".) He's not risking anything. Please wake up and see the light.

 

His selfishness has been that instead of leaving his wife a decade ago and done the difficult thing he took the easy way of an affair to try to be intrinsically happy while still being the responsible husband and father on the outside. It hasn't worked and it won't work in the long run.

 

Just like every other MM in the world. He wants his cake (family) and to have the sideline too. He wants that excitement and emotional stimulation that isn't there after awhile in ANY relationship.

 

He has made a mess by staying married knowing that he's not happy. He becomes more unhappy as each day goes. But he tells himself that above all else, if he has his children with him then he can sarcrifice his personal happiness.

 

OMG... I bought into this crap for too many years. "He becomes more unhappy as each day goes"? He tells you that, so you believe it? And he's so "unhappy" that he's having sex with his wife frequently enough to reproduce with her when supposedly using birth control?

 

Trust me when I said, again, that I have known him a long time. I met him when he had only one child. When he told me about the pregnancies for his second and third children, I remember him still seeming fairly happy about it-- he was still excited to be a father a 2nd and 3rd time. That was over 7 years ago. With this newest pregnancy he seems miserable.

 

I understand this as I was with ex-MM for a long time too. He and I felt just as you did (except he WAS leaving his wife, we had an apartment rented, etc). No one was closer than he and I were. For YEARS.

 

Guess what. We weren't 'different' than the other affairs, and you aren't different either. His actions prove it over and over and over.

 

I'm not sure what you guys know about marital counseling, but encouraging re-emergence of a sexual connectivity between the spouses is a large part of the counseling. Even though he is not in love with her they continued to have sex, and she now got pregnant. That in no way means he is in love with her, or wanted another child.

 

You are in total denial of reality and accepting everything this man tells you as FACT. Huge mistake.

 

When he saw me the other week, there was life in his eyes again. If all he wanted was sex, he could easily find it elsewhere. He is a very good looking man, charming , and women fall for him quite easily. He knows I won't even be here soon and he has begged me to just stay in touch with him because he hasn't been this happy in years as when he was able to reconnect with me.

 

I'm sure he has. Mine did too. But is that good enough? I too went through the years of agony and posts such as yours over the years. When will you get off the rollercoaster? When will you see the light?

 

Once in a while, shocker, they actually do fall in love with us.

 

My ex-MM was (still is) "in love" with me. I was "in love" with him. What does that matter now?

 

But I think I can say with confidence that the reason he has come back to me over and over after ten years is not because I'm convenient (for eff's sake I live a 13 hour plane ride away from him, I'm hardly "convenient"), but because he found in me someone he has fallen in love with and hasn't found that connection with in anyone else.

 

I can't find the quote now, but you said in your recent post that "if he could get divorced, he would". This is complete and total nonsense. He CAN get divorced. He CHOOSES not to get divorced. It does not matter what his reasons are - his kids, his wife, whatever. It is his CHOICE and why is that good enough for you?

 

I am not a BS but am a woman who has been in your position and learned the hard way what you still have to accept. I too thought I was "the one" (because we were SO close - and I have never been so close to anyone in my life as to him). There was no stronger love, in either of our lives. Yet years later - whether he's "happy" or "not happy", he is with his wife. He loves his wife. He CHOOSES to be with her.

 

Your ex-MM CHOOSES to be with his wife, and your acceptance of his endless excuses that he has fed you do nothing but keep you on the string and not moving forward to find YOUR family and YOUR life! Please wake up and respect yourself before it's too late. Stop seeing this as some kind of fantasy love story, when all it is is an affair with a man who is married, committed, and raising a family with someone else.

 

You have said that none of us know him as you do. That is very true... we don't. But many of us have been through the same or similar situations with men who have said the same things and acted the same way, and our relationships were just as special as yours with this man. I know it is very easy to think that your relationship is the exception - based on our closeness (much more so than you had with your ex-MM), I thought that too. But in the end, it was the same thing for the same reasons, and the sooner you see that and stop making excuses for him as if he is some man with special emotions and in such a horrible life marriage, the sooner you can heal and move forward.

[Hope Shimmers]

He's staying married...that says it all. The rest is just noise.

 

Yep. That is the bottom line. Nothing else matters.

 

It doesn't matter if he loves you to the moon and back. He's married and he is going to stay that way. Time to put him out of your heart (or at least, bury him deeply in it, and put him out of your mind) and move on.

 

Easier said than done, I know.

[FusionCutter]

I'm trying really hard to wrap my head around why you still cling onto this man. Is it worth it?

[Ruffian1]

I find it infuriating that he got his wife pregnant again when I know he didn't want that and any moron with working knowledge of reproduction should have been able to avoid.

 

 

Gently here, I don't think that this was some type of accident or that she is "trapping" him again. He could have taken measures to prevent it. He could have used protection or gotten fixed. He did not. They are married. Married people have babies. Did it ever occur to you she wanted another child, not to trap him longer or whatever, but because she is still able to reproduce and just plain wanted another child to cherish and bring joy into her (and yes his too) life. Nothing evil about a wife wanting another baby and sibling to the others. It's making a family. Just a different view point to consider. What he tells you and what is really going on between them are 2 different things.

 

 

I am sorry you were hurt once again by this man. You deserve more, your own man, who can give you what you long for.

 

 

I hope you find it. Good luck

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm trying really hard to wrap my head around why you still cling onto this man. Is it worth it?

 

I don't know your story but it's so incredibly horribly hard to walk away from someone you have been with for so long, have been so close to, and who is continually throwing you crumbs that it might turn into the total dream. You want to believe that person. You never stopped loving them. I get that so very much. Speaking from my perspective, he was my life, and I never loved anyone so much or connected with anyone at anywhere near that level (and still haven't). And I almost didn't survive when he went back to his wife after promising a future with me. If that sounds melodromatic I get that now, but it was literally true at the time.

 

But to survive means admitting and accepting the truth. Which is that he isn't leaving, no matter what else is true. As jellybean said, the rest is just noise.

 

For others who haven't experienced that kind of pain, I can understand why it would be hard to wrap the head around it.

[KismetGirl]

I don't know your story but it's so incredibly horribly hard to walk away from someone you have been with for so long, have been so close to, and who is continually throwing you crumbs that it might turn into the total dream. You want to believe that person. You never stopped loving them. I get that so very much. Speaking from my perspective, he was my life, and I never loved anyone so much or connected with anyone at anywhere near that level (and still haven't). And I almost didn't survive when he went back to his wife after promising a future with me. If that sounds melodromatic I get that now, but it was literally true at the time.

 

But to survive means admitting and accepting the truth. Which is that he isn't leaving, no matter what else is true. As jellybean said, the rest is just noise.

 

For others who haven't experienced that kind of pain, I can understand why it would be hard to wrap the head around it.

 

You know, it's occured to me that in the ten years I've known him, I've never once asked him to leave his wife. I've never told him I'm in love with him (i have trouble saying it aloud when I feel like it's a fruitless endeavor). I've never asked for anything frm him.

 

When I recently reconnected with him was the first time in ten years that he said he often wonders what it would be like if we were together in a normal relationship. How it made him sad not to know. That I'm the type of woman that could meet all his desires, wants, and needs in a partner, not just sexually, but because of my intellect and wit (his words).

 

I've never responded, always just listened. I know it's a pointless endeavor, but the other day my sister asked me if I have ever really told him the true depth of how I feel, or if I ever asked him to leave. I said no. She said, why not? What do you have to lose. Maybe he's been waiting ten years to hear that this is what you want from him. You can't assume he just figures it out from your actions or subtle hints.

 

I dont know if she's right or not. I don't think it would make a difference at this point. But I wonder if I should tell him how I've always felt. I think sometimes he gets the impression that I dont want anything serious from him, that I care for him but that I am just biding my time until I meet someone I really want to marry or something.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's even worth it at this point to just get it all out and let him know how I really feel. I wonder.

[KismetGirl]

I'm trying really hard to wrap my head around why you still cling onto this man. Is it worth it?

 

I suppose I still feel strongly for him the same reason you or anyone else falls in love with someone. Feelngs are hardly based on logic. Actions are based on logic maybe, but intrinsic feelings are not.

 

You fall for people because you just fall for him, they are the perfect mix of personality and physicality that pulls at your very soul.

 

Why does anyone fall for anyone

[FusionCutter]

I suppose I still feel strongly for him the same reason you or anyone else falls in love with someone. Feelngs are hardly based on logic. Actions are based on logic maybe, but intrinsic feelings are not.

 

You fall for people because you just fall for him, they are the perfect mix of personality and physicality that pulls at your very soul.

 

Why does anyone fall for anyone

 

That's not the point. You've been feeling crappy about the situation for a decade. You can still fall for someone and have feelings for them, but make the conscious decision to stay away from them or to cut them out of your life.

 

At some point don't you think you ought to let go? And the fact you never ask him to leave his wife. Why would he ever leave her then? He had a perfect situation with you.

[KismetGirl]

While we are at it-- I have to wonder how his wife would answer that question. Is it worth it? If her children didn't exist, would she say life with him was worth it? Why does she stay with someone who cheats on her for a decade, who continues to reach out to his mistress despite years of marital counseling, who has asked her for a divorce several times, who has expressed to me so many times how little passion he feels for her (and surely she must feel it at some point). But she stays with him-- out of obligation? Children? Is it worth it to wake up every day and wonder if he's doing things every second he's out of the house?

 

What's worth it anymore. It's all subjective.

[KismetGirl]

That's not the point. You've been feeling crappy about the situation for a decade. You can still fall for someone and have feelings for them, but make the conscious decision to stay away from them or to cut them out of your life.

 

At some point don't you think you ought to let go? And the fact you never ask him to leave his wife. Why would he ever leave her then? He had a perfect situation with you.

 

Yes I made it too easy for him. I never asked for anything in return. In fact I often acted aloof and like I didn't care. LIke I was just in it for sporadic sex and fun times but that I didn't care much either way. I tried to act aloof and cool about it. I was so young when I met him, barely out of college. Stupid and young and didn't know what I wanted out of life. Ten years later and I know what I want but feel so stuck sometimes.

 

Part of me wants to tell him everything thats gone thorugh my head all these years so that he can have some of the burden of what I've felt. I think it would hit him serenely-- he isn't that cruel to not care what I say at all. Im not sure it would change the situation but maybe it would make him think a bit more. Sometimes I really think he believes I dont care about him, that I am just having fun with it and that when Im upset its just because I want more time with him/more attention, and not because I've craved something more relationship-wise.

[FusionCutter]

While we are at it-- I have to wonder how his wife would answer that question. Is it worth it? If her children didn't exist, would she say life with him was worth it? Why does she stay with someone who cheats on her for a decade, who continues to reach out to his mistress despite years of marital counseling, who has asked her for a divorce several times, who has expressed to me so many times how little passion he feels for her (and surely she must feel it at some point). But she stays with him-- out of obligation? Children? Is it worth it to wake up every day and wonder if he's doing things every second he's out of the house?

 

What's worth it anymore. It's all subjective.

 

Isn't it just purely a waste of mental energy about what the wife thinks? I mean come on. You've been spinning your wheels for 10 years. 3 years NC and then you have all these thoughts again? I think the correct answer to all your questions is. "It doesn't matter."

 

I mean, if you continue down this road you can be the longest serving OW ever. Decades and decades.

[anika99]

 

Despite all the misery in his marriage, despite how unhappy his home life has been especially after his wife found out he was cheating....despite me moving to the other side of the planet and not talking to him for three years, he still found me again. He still tracked me down and begged me to talk to him again, knowing that if his wife found out he was talking to me whatever semblence of home life he has left would be ruined.

 

How did he track you down? How did he find you? You make it sound like scoured the earth for you, hired investigators, searched high and low, spent the last 3 yrs looking and dreaming of the day he would find you.

 

 

But in your OP you said this:

 

 

He randomly chanced onto my contact info via a work-related thing. Sent me a small message saying he's been thinking about my constantly for three years. That he's desperately wanting to talk to me again because he misses me.

 

 

Gee sounds like it was pretty easy to track you down. How sad that it took 3yrs for him to think of looking for your contact info.

 

 

I too have gone back and read some of your past threads. I had to speed through them because it would take a week to read every single post and I do see a lot of inconsistencies and contradictions. Not because I think you are deliberately making contradictions but because there is such a huge inability on your part in seeing this man for who he really is verses the tragic romantic figure you have built him up to be in your mind. You keep saying we don't know him. This is true, however as outsiders we have the advantage of objectivity and I see no objectivity in you where this guy is concerned.

 

You have mentioned a few times that you know for a fact that he isn't looking for sex because he didn't even know you were in the country. I call bull**** on that. From reading your prior threads you and this guy have a lot of people in common, mutual friends, mutual business acquaintances, your sister know him, etc. He knew damn well you were in the country but he probably thought it would score him some points to have you think that he didn't know and if instead you thought he just so desperately missed you that he would be happy to talk to you even without seeing you. And it worked. What are the chances that he just randomly contacted you out of the blue at a time that you just so happened to be back in the country? He knew you were back. Any why wouldn't he keep wanting you in his life? You obviously worship the ground he walks on. The man can do no wrong in your eyes and I'm sure he can tell just by looking at you that you have nothing but adoration for him. Who doesn't love that? I know if I had someone that thought I walked on water no matter how many times I hurt them I might like to keep that person in my back pocket too. Adoration is always good for the ego.

 

 

Also throughout this thread you have vehemently insisted that the most important thing in the world to him is his kids, he could never leave his kids, his kids are his only joy on this earth, his world would be shattered if he couldn't see his kids everyday, his can't lose his kids. His kids, his kids, his kids, oh my god! he would sooner die then not see his kids every single day. Then suddenly in your last few posts you are talking about how carelessly he is risking his life with his children just to speak with you. Can you see how that makes absolutely no sense. If it's true that he is risking being able to see his kids every single day just to see you then that sounds like maybe his kids aren't really all that important to him after all. Because nobody who truly loves their kids as much as he claims to love his would be so careless in taking such risks. I'm not suggesting that he doesn't love his children, I'm suggesting that in his mind he's not risking anything. He isn't planning to leave and since you're leaving the country in a couple of months he doesn't think there is any way he will get caught. I think he see this as a perfect opportunity for you two to have a little fun for a few weeks and then you will go away. No mess no fuss.

 

 

You have also mentioned several times that he used to feel so guilty and that when his guilt would get to him he would break things of with you but now you are not seeing any guilt. Well most men only think cheating has happened when sex has occurred. He is not feeling guilty right now because he hasn't had sex with you yet. Once that line has been crossed I'm pretty sure his usual guilty feelings will kick in right on schedule.

 

 

I've also noticed that he seems to have a pattern of wanting to restart things with you whenever his wife becomes pregnant. What do you think that's about? Does his wife cut off the sex when she's pregnant? Or maybe he just finds pregnancy unattractive? Have you looked back at your old threads? You need to remind yourself of how horrible it felt when you found out that his wife was pregnant the 2nd and 3rd time. How terrible it felt to learn that he was introducing the sexual things he was doing with you to his wife.

 

 

This guy is no saint and he's no martyr, he's just your run of the mill serial cheater. I would think you would have been disgusted at learning of the affairs he has had since you left but instead you turn even that into some weird form of flattery. I just can't understand how you can be so blind to the truth but then you can't understand how his wife can be so blind. Interesting that you make her sound so stupid and desperate for holding on to him and having his babies yet she is likely just as fooled by him as you are.

[FusionCutter]

Yes I made it too easy for him. I never asked for anything in return. In fact I often acted aloof and like I didn't care. LIke I was just in it for sporadic sex and fun times but that I didn't care much either way. I tried to act aloof and cool about it. I was so young when I met him, barely out of college. Stupid and young and didn't know what I wanted out of life. Ten years later and I know what I want but feel so stuck sometimes.

 

Part of me wants to tell him everything thats gone thorugh my head all these years so that he can have some of the burden of what I've felt. I think it would hit him serenely-- he isn't that cruel to not care what I say at all. Im not sure it would change the situation but maybe it would make him think a bit more. Sometimes I really think he believes I dont care about him, that I am just having fun with it and that when Im upset its just because I want more time with him/more attention, and not because I've craved something more relationship-wise.

 

Honestly, after threading through all of your threads, I think it all suffers from analysis paralysis.

 

I think you should try and simplify things a little to are you happy? Are you suffering? I mean, if you're feeling satisfied and happy being his OW, then great! Continue. But obviously you're quite disturbed by it given all the eloquent walls of text you write in elaborate detail of the situations.

 

You can continue to spin your wheels and journal about your situation for the years to come or you can go and do something about it. It's your choice really. But I mean, reading through pages and pages of your words.. It's a great story, but I mean, ultimately it feels like you're just hurting yourself over and over.

[LifesontheUp]

This guy is no saint and he's no martyr, he's just your run of the mill serial cheater. I would think you would have been disgusted at learning of the affairs he has had since you left but instead you turn even that into some weird form of flattery. I just can't understand how you can be so blind to the truth but then you can't understand how his wife can be so blind. Interesting that you make her sound so stupid and desperate for holding on to him and having his babies yet she is likely just as fooled by him as you are.

 

Of course he's a serial cheater. He's tried for an OW too.

 

As I have said loads of times people leave their marriages every DAY. He isn't leaving, he doesn't want to. He is having sex with his wife and getting her pregnant. He is where he wants to be, but he also wants that extra bit on the side. Selfish, self serving p****.

 

I feel sorry for his wife and KG.

 

I can't advise his wife to get out as I don't know her or have contact with her or otherwise I would be telling her the same as you KG. Get away from him and fast.

[cocorico]

KG in a few posts you've gone from this:

 

his marital life is mediocre and unfullfilling.

 

To this:

 

 

He becomes more unhappy as each day goes. But he tells himself that above all else, if he has his children with him then he can sarcrifice his personal happiness. I think that this is foolish, but I'm not him and I can't make him see that as they get older they will begin to notice the resentment he has for their mother. His marriage has slowly unraveled and disintegrated over the years. He tried to fix it by working on the marriage, knowing he is not in love with his wife, but stupidly still trying to force something that has never been there and never will be. And now he has truly nailed his coffin shut by getting her pregnant again.

 

 

just as you went from his attention being flattering but having no intention of meeting him, to being completely reeled back into the old dynamic of feeling so great (with his positive feedback about how great you were) to feeling hurt (when he finally confessed the pregnancy).

 

And now you're considering baring your soul to him, telling him how much you love him and that you hoped he'd leave for you.

 

My advice to you on that would be: don't. This man already holds so much power over you. That information is the last shred of power you hold - if you give it to him now you literally will have nothing left. He probably already "knows", but until you actually tell him, he's assuming. Once you tell him, you cannot take it back. He will always have that power that you willingly ceded to him - when he already held all the aces.

 

What could it change? realistically, you've said he's going nowhere. Certainly not for a good while, with the BW pregnant again. Might it make him feel worse? Possibly. Fine, then, if your aim is to spread the misery so that you don't have to be the only one feeling awful. Let him suffer, let the BW see his misery and feel bad too, let the new baby suffer with two unhappy parents and let the other kids also feel miserable that everyone around them is unhappy. Is that really what you want? Will it honestly help you feel any better?

 

You posted earlier that you did not want to tell the BW about his continued infidelities, because you did not want to make her unhappy. Then why would you want to do that via another route? What are you actually wanting from this?