After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[FitChick]

At what point will you realize it just isn't worth it? Another 10 years? When you're 60 years old and still alone and all his kids have left the house? I'm going to extremes. But at some point in time you gotta let it go. People have been saying this to you since 2008. I mean. The content you provide is great to read, entertaining even, but honestly, in the end, you're only just hurting yourself. No one else on this board gets hurt - just you.

She feels she doesn't deserve anything better.

[anika99]

See post #168 because I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot on that one...people often have sex when they are not wanting to really be together in an attempt to save a relationship.

 

I know what new baby reflects...it's pretty obvious. He said they've been trying to work on their marriage the last couple years (while we weren't speaking). Going to counseling, etc. Been making an attempt to disclose "wants and desires" that were being unfulfilled before to see if that would help their marital dynamic. At the end of the day he is seeing it's not a matter of effort on his wife's part to give him the duration or type of sex he wants....they just don't have a connection in that regard. It's sex for the sake of sex. ::shrug:: but they tried and she got pregnant again in the process.

 

Unfortunately they're just not a good match. I don't know why. But he's been this way with her since well before he met me. Trust me when I say even during our affair when she got pregnant before he'd get excited about fatherhood every time. THis time he looks well miserable about it. He never spared my feelings before when he told me about pregnancies and looking happy about them. No reason to start pretending ten years later.

 

 

You know you just reminded me of another OW poster who used to be on this board. She had a long term affair, then the MM left his wife and there was a lot drama surrounding that and finally the OW married him. Last spring after about 3 yrs of marriage this OW courageously came back and posted an update. She was divorcing the MM due to many issues not the least of which he was now cheating on her.

 

 

The reason I say you reminded me of her was because when I read her history she was also defensive and willingly blind to reality. She also was sure that all of the MM behavior stemmed from his bad marriage, that he just married the wrong person, that his wife just wouldn't let him go. That she, the OW, is what he needed to be happy. She too took everything her MM said about his wife and his marriage as the gospel truth and loyally defended him to the naysayers on Love Shack.

 

 

When she came back to post her update about him cheating on her and their divorce I think what she was the most floored about were the lies he was telling his new OW. She said the things he was saying about her and their marriage were almost word for word the same things he had told her years earlier about his first wife and marriage. The new OW totally believed everything he said and she said she didn't blame the new OW for falling for his bs because she knew he had fooled her for years too. It was only after she married him that she realized the issues in his first marriage were caused by him. The cheating was due to his poor character. He had a lousy marriage because he was lousy person and a lousy husband.

 

 

I can't remember this posters name but maybe someone else will. Not that it matters but I just wanted you to open your mind up to the possibility that everything your MM says is not the truth.

[KismetGirl]

You know you just reminded me of another OW poster who used to be on this board. She had a long term affair, then the MM left his wife and there was a lot drama surrounding that and finally the OW married him. Last spring after about 3 yrs of marriage this OW courageously came back and posted an update. She was divorcing the MM due to many issues not the least of which he was now cheating on her.

 

 

The reason I say you reminded me of her was because when I read her history she was also defensive and willingly blind to reality. She also was sure that all of the MM behavior stemmed from his bad marriage, that he just married the wrong person, that his wife just wouldn't let him go. That she, the OW, is what he needed to be happy. She too took everything her MM said about his wife and his marriage as the gospel truth and loyally defended him to the naysayers on Love Shack.

 

 

When she came back to post her update about him cheating on her and their divorce I think what she was the most floored about were the lies he was telling his new OW. She said the things he was saying about her and their marriage were almost word for word the same things he had told her years earlier about his first wife and marriage. The new OW totally believed everything he said and she said she didn't blame the new OW for falling for his bs because she knew he had fooled her for years too. It was only after she married him that she realized the issues in his first marriage were caused by him. The cheating was due to his poor character. He had a lousy marriage because he was lousy person and a lousy husband.

 

 

I can't remember this posters name but maybe someone else will. Not that it matters but I just wanted you to open your mind up to the possibility that everything your MM says is not the truth.

 

thats true, its possible he's not honest. It's also possible he is being honest about it.

 

More than anything I think he's a selfish chickens**t who wants to maintain the comfort of his home life and family life while still getting emotional and romantic fullfillment with someone else because he doesn't get it from his wife.

 

I think its entirely possible that that is true. I've never said he badmouths his wife, at all. He really has never said a bad word about her as a person. He just doesnt want to rock the boat that is the life he thought he wanted.

 

Anyway it is what it is. Nothing is going to change. He's never going to leave her. Even if he is unhappy he's going to stay where he is. I'm not sitting around and waiting for him, and I never have. I've had plenty of other relationships in the last ten years-- not sure where anyone got the impression I've been sitting idly on the sidelines with no one but him as my romantic interest. I've had many relationships and much time where he was not in my mind at all. In fact when I'm in happy relationships he is not even a daily thought to me. I suppose I tend to think about him more when Im single and don't have anyone else occupying my thoughts, because I do have a good connection with him on many levels and it seems....sad to me that we are unable to do anything about it. Thats all.

[jellybean89]

Agree with you here. Had a moment of idiocy last night when I thought maybe I should tell him, but I won't. That much I agree with, he doesn't deserve it. I think in some ways I wanted him to feel a bit sad. I know he loves me, I've just never said it to him in return. I think I wanted him to feel a bit more sad that someone reciprocates his feelings but due to his selfishness and idiocy in choosing to stay married all these years when he should have left well before baby #2....anyway. I wont tell him.

 

Actually, that's not true (bolded)... go read your old posts

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/170686-me-mm-broke-up-i-feel-so-lost

 

I didn't say too much. But....I did tell him I had fallen in love with him. It felt like such a relief because I had been holding it in for so long, afraid to tell him. When I told him he took my hand and said he was glad I made him come over to speak in person because he felt the same way but it still didnt change the reality of the situation.

You also posted in that thread about how he wouldn't cheat again...yet he did

 

I know everyone here thinks he's just going to go cheat on her again with someone else, but I don't think he will. I know him very well.....none of you know him. Me and him had a very....odd dynamic. Don't know how to describe it. It's been only me, on an off, for years. It isn't just about sex, it never was. I know he sleeps with his wife regularly. They have an emotional disconnect, but they are otherwise happy

PLEASE go back and re-read your posts....remember how hurt and depressed you were each time he broke up with you. Remember what it did to you.

[KismetGirl]

Actually, that's not true (bolded)... go read your old posts

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/170686-me-mm-broke-up-i-feel-so-lost

 

You also posted in that thread about how he wouldn't cheat again...yet he did

 

PLEASE go back and re-read your posts....remember how hurt and depressed you were each time he broke up with you. Remember what it did to you.

 

I apologise, my old post was inaccurate.

 

I had told him, something along the lines of "I have fallen really hard for you".

 

I've never told him the word "love" . Ever. That I would remember...Ive only told three people in my life I was in love with them, and the first was when I was 12 years old so i dont think it counts. The other two were long term boyfriends. Never actually said the word "love" to MM, though I've wanted to many times. I've hinted it to him many times. I've almost said it. But Ive never actually told him that.

 

Anyway I digress, it doesnt matter anymore. Nothing is going to happen with him. Never has, never will.

 

Leaving in eight weeks and it'll go back to the way it was before, when he was in the background, like he's been for the last three years.

[Hope Shimmers]

I apologise, my old post was inaccurate.

 

I had told him, something along the lines of "I have fallen really hard for you".

 

I've never told him the word "love" . Ever. That I would remember...

 

I call bull on that. After your description of how devastated you were... sobbing, getting two tickets while driving home because you were sobbing so hard... sobbing to him on the phone after he broke up with you.... and you are saying that you instead said, "I have fallen really hard for you."?

 

Really?

 

No, that's not what you said. You said exactly what was in your post, and this man KNOWS how much you love him and are pining away for him. He is counting on it. It is why he still pursues you.

 

You are at a critical age now. If you continue to get sucked into ex-MM's CRAP, then you will end up with no one - no husband, no children, no family - in about 5 or 8 or 10 years. Those years go fast, don't they? Do you want to waste another 10 years on this man who is married to someone else and committed to someone else and NOT you?

 

Let him go. Get him OUT of your life so you don't go through this every 2-3 years when he contacts you. Do NOT let him back in your life, because he is a disease and a parasite to what is best for YOU.

 

I guarantee you that if you continue this analysis paralysis about ex-MM for months and months and if you get involved with him again, and if that happens even to the level that you can no longer consider other men to be in your life - if this happens you WILL be sorry in 10-15 years. You are wasting your only years to raise a family and marry, and you are giving those years to this selfish loser.

 

Don't do it. Just don't. Care more about yourself than that.

 

I know, after reading your replies to posts here, that I am just talking to a wall, but maybe others here who are reading this thread will benefit.

[Hope Shimmers]

This MM just sounds so immature and selfish,

 

 

Kismet I have seen you talk a lot about how he loves his wife but he's not in love with her, how he cares for her as a friend and mother of his children but he doesn't have the passion and connection with her that he shares with you, that he and his wife just coexist as friends and their love for each other is more familial then it is exciting and fulfilling and romantic and all that other great stuff that he has with you.

 

 

Do you have young nieces and nephews? Little cousins? Any small children in your neighborhood? Could you have a bunch of them over the next time your MM comes to visit? Actually make sure you have a few little kids around every time the MM wants to see you. Even if he just wants to talk on the phone with you, make sure you have at least a couple of children at your place competing for your attention so that you have to ask to the MM to repeat himself a couple of times and then maybe abruptly tell him that you have to go now because little jimmy just flushed something down the toilet and little amy is drawing on the walls, then hang up on him. When he comes over mid day for some sexy romantic time, ask him to take care of the kids instead so that you can finally get some laundry done or run an errand. If he comes over at night, let him referee the fights breaking out between the kids while you try to make dinner and then the two of you can deal with all the other family needs together. Like taking the kids to their hockey practice or dance recitals, helping them with their homework, getting them bathed and into bed, trying to pick up the house a little so it doesn't look like a cyclone hit and then finally falling into bed at the end of the day hoping that nobody wakes up for at least 7 or 8 hours before you have to get up and do that day all over again. Maybe you and he will be able to sneak some sex before you drift off to sleep but you sure as hell don't have the time to spend hours giving him blow jobs and back massages or gazing romantically into each other eyes while you have deep discussions about everything under the sun. So you reach for each other in the dark and satisfy your sexual need with urgency while trying not to be noisy because you don't want to wake the kids. Then after a night of too little sleep you wake up and immediately you have to start rushing around like a crazy person dealing with the hundreds of big and little things you have to do for those little people who depend on you for everything. Their well being and happiness depends on you and don't want to let them down.

 

 

Does the above sound sexy and romantic to you? Because once people have children they really do have to put the majority of their energy and time into those children. Not saying every single day is drudgery, kids bring a lot of joy, but there isn't time to spend lounging around the house with your spouse having sex and long uninterrupted talks. With a house full of kids there is very little time or privacy for mom and dad. Of course the excitement and passion fades while you work together to raise these little people the best you can. Ideally the parents would set aside a little time every week to spend alone together but with 2 kids or more you can never schedule anything with certainty. A kid or 2 might come down sick or any other number of things that can happen that will spoil even the best laid plans.

 

 

From reading your old threads it sounded like your affair with this MM mostly consisted of him coming around your place for a few hours and having sex and talking. You looking all sexy while giving him your undivided time and attention. Hours spend discussing everything under the sun while lazily lounging together in your bed having sex off and on. Then he goes home and silently resents his wife because she doesn't give him the same attention, she doesn't spend hours in the middle of the day stroking his ego and his dick. Logically he understands that she can't do that, that she is running a household with children and that his children can't just cease to exist because he wants more attention. He doesn't actually want his wife to neglect his kids and he loves her being such a great mom, so instead he just feels sorry for himself and his lot in life. Maybe he could spend more time helping out at home so his wife can have more time to spend on herself and him, maybe he could have some empathy for her and realize that she is also a person who has longings and dreams and hopes that she has had to put on the back burner while she tends to the reality of married life and kids. But he doesn't do that. No instead he just feels so sorry for himself that his lot in life is the marriage and children that he willingly chose and then sneaks around having his little fantasy affairs while his wife stays loyal.

 

 

Married love and affair love cannot be compared ever. The affair will always win when it comes to exciting sex and passion because affairs are by nature sexy and passionate, otherwise nobody would bother having one. Marriages can have great sex and passion too but those things tend to come in waves. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. When the passion and sex isn't the greatest, it's the friendship and familial love that keeps the husband and wife together. They are supposed to be a team and get through the dry spells together when parenthood and life are being overly demanding. I notice that people involved in affairs seem to think that passion and hot sex and romantic connections are the be all and end all to everything. They are quick to dismiss the family love that grows between spouses during a long term marriage as worthless and not as good as the exciting affair love but that family love is what stops most married people from ever leaving, because they know that kind of love is actually very valuable and not easily replaced. It has deep roots. It's not exciting, there are no butterflies, it isn't mysterious and mystical, it doesn't take your breath away and leave you begging for more but it runs quiet, dependable, sustainable and it creates mighty strong bonds. Most married people don't want to toss that out the window to chase a romantic love that they know is not sustainable, that if that romantic affair even lasts it wil eventually turn into the same familial love they already have.

 

Absolutely beautifully written. This is what I was trying to say in my post before yours, but nowhere nearly as well as you did. Wish I could 'like' this one a thousand times.

 

I don't think KG will ever buy into this. She has never been married and has no personal understanding of what goes on in terms of activities, emotions, etc in long-term marriages. But, your post was worth this writing for others to see.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[whichwayisup]

I apologise, my old post was inaccurate.

 

I had told him, something along the lines of "I have fallen really hard for you".

 

I've never told him the word "love" . Ever. That I would remember...Ive only told three people in my life I was in love with them, and the first was when I was 12 years old so i dont think it counts. The other two were long term boyfriends. Never actually said the word "love" to MM, though I've wanted to many times. I've hinted it to him many times. I've almost said it. But Ive never actually told him that.

 

Anyway I digress, it doesnt matter anymore. Nothing is going to happen with him. Never has, never will.

 

Leaving in eight weeks and it'll go back to the way it was before, when he was in the background, like he's been for the last three years.

 

I did go back and re read some of your older threads. One thing that really stood out was, how many times this man has re inserted himself into your life as you've tried to end it and walk away.

 

He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I know you can't see him like that, your heart and emotions won't allow you to, but from an objective outsider who genuinely has your best interest at heart here, Kismet, I'm telling you, he's playing you like a fiddle. The smile is there, a look in his eyes but the knife is hidden. He's not being malicious, he's being bloody selfish and manipulative.

 

In a year from now, hopefully NC will be in place once again, you might look back and have an eureka moment and see what everybody else sees and is telling you about him.

[KismetGirl]

I call bull on that. After your description of how devastated you were... sobbing, getting two tickets while driving home because you were sobbing so hard... sobbing to him on the phone after he broke up with you.... and you are saying that you instead said, "I have fallen really hard for you."?

 

Really?

 

No, that's not what you said. You said exactly what was in your post, and this man KNOWS how much you love him and are pining away for him. He is counting on it. It is why he still pursues you.

 

You are at a critical age now. If you continue to get sucked into ex-MM's CRAP, then you will end up with no one - no husband, no children, no family - in about 5 or 8 or 10 years. Those years go fast, don't they? Do you want to waste another 10 years on this man who is married to someone else and committed to someone else and NOT you?

 

Let him go. Get him OUT of your life so you don't go through this every 2-3 years when he contacts you. Do NOT let him back in your life, because he is a disease and a parasite to what is best for YOU.

 

I guarantee you that if you continue this analysis paralysis about ex-MM for months and months and if you get involved with him again, and if that happens even to the level that you can no longer consider other men to be in your life - if this happens you WILL be sorry in 10-15 years. You are wasting your only years to raise a family and marry, and you are giving those years to this selfish loser.

 

Don't do it. Just don't. Care more about yourself than that.

 

I know, after reading your replies to posts here, that I am just talking to a wall, but maybe others here who are reading this thread will benefit.

 

You can call bull all you want. I've said the words "I love you" to two men (in a romantic way, not familial, of course) in my adult life and he wasn't one of them. I am sure I expressed my caring of him and hinted at it to him in many ways, but I've never outright said "Im in love with you". At best I've in passing said "love ya" , maybe, but i dont recall ever even saying that. I have in many ways hinted it at it, yes, and it's entirely possible he believes that I may love him. But Ive never told him that. You'd be surprised to know I take those words seriously and as insane as I sound at times I try not to waste actually saying them out loud on someone that I inherently know can't do anything with it, and certainly not anyone I'm not in a real realtionship with. I've never considered my thing with him to be a relationship. It was an affair. Unlike many other OW's on here, I've never called him my boyfriend, in way , shape , or form. Perhaps you think its strange for me to make this distinction or care about a title or a word, but I do, believe it or not.

 

i was very emotional that day when I wrote that, that's for sure. Apologies on if i was misleading. Yes I was crying on the phone when i got pulled over and told the cop my boyfriend just broke up with me because it was easier than explaining my entire sordid affair to a random cop on a highway. Yes I have always felt tat i was in love with him. But I have NEVER told him that out loud. Ive said it in "not so many ways", so im sure he gets the idea, but ive never said the words out right.

 

Explain to me what I gain by lying to a bunch of anonymous people on here about this? Ive no reason to lie here.

 

I assure you, Ive never out loud said to him "im in love with you". At best, MAYBE, i said i care a lot about him, or some other variant of what i said above. Never have the words "I am in love with you" left my mouth to him. I would never say such a thing to someone im not in a relationship with.

 

Regardless I think everyone here is forgetting im leaving the country again in 8 weeks. Even if i wanted to start another affair with him, i cant. We will be on opposite sides of the planet again soon enough.

 

I havent seen him in over a week. Ive talked to him almost every day, that's true. But I havent seen him since 9 days now.

 

My ongoing analysis of the situation is a result of my emotional attachment to him and the obviously emotional rollercoaster i feel when it comes to thoughts of him and how i have missed him a lot and it all came flooding back in the last week or two since we started talking again.

 

Realistically though, nothing can or will happen. Not unless he divorces his wife and moves halfway around the world to be in my new country , and we all know that's not going to happen, now is it.

 

Do I think about telling him all my feelings? Sure, i think thats pretty normal to want to do. Sometimes I even get angry and want to tell his wife. In ten years, I've never once told his wife anything. In ten years I've never once asked him to leave her for me. In ten years I've never once asked him for nearly anything. That's my problem maybe. I was too giving , let him have his cake without making any decisions. It is what it is. I figured no one is happy if they are forced to do anything.

 

If one day he woke up and changed his life and i was still single maybe i'd entertain the thought of a relationship. maybe.

 

But I dont put my life on hold for him. Ive had plenty of boyfriends and real relationships in the last ten years that ended for reasons other than anything having to do with him. He wasn't even a thought on my radar when those relationships ended because they were encompassing my life on their own. Believe it or not, he does not control my mind, my thoguhts, my life, and i do not sit around my apartment for a decade waiting for him to call me.

 

Right now he has gotten into the forefront of my thoughts again because im temporarily in town, im single, i havent got anyone else here right now, and a lot of old emotions came flooding back. It happens. It's not the end of the world. Maybe if I was staying here I'd be more worried about being too involved with him but im not and there's literally no way for me to be involved with him at all aside from some emails or some long distance chatting once I leave again. There's just no way.

[anika99]

Which is probably why I never want to ask him anything. Because I already know it and hearing it makes me feel like I want to go jump off a freaking bridge, which is precisely how I feel rght now. I havent cried since November over him, and all I've done today is sob in bed all day and sleep so I won't be awake to think.

 

He came over this morning, per usual. Morning goes as it always does- chatting, sex, more talking, laying around, hugging, etc

 

At one point he looks at me , says "you look really cute right now. You're really quite beautiful."

 

"thanks" I say, and stare off into space.

 

I then ask him if what I told him in November (when I admitted that I loved him that one time) had bothered him. He gets quiet for a second and says "maybe, i guess, i dont know" and then "im sorry im awful at communicating, you know i care abotu you". And then, "It's just that that isn't what I was looking for in all this." I tell him he shouldnt feel weird, I've had people tell me they love me before and I dont feel the same way, and i just get on as friends with them . I try to brush it off as not being a big deal, as something I say to everyone I care about, whether they are friends or family or whatever. And at this point I'm already thinking I shouldnt have asked but he thinks I want him to talk now and he rarely does about these things so I let him go on.

 

The above is from your first post in the thread titled "I told you he is always honest.."

 

So somehow you got the message across to him that you love him.

 

I'm glad to hear you haven't been seeing the MM. He doesn't deserve to see you. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Keep looking forward and believing that you are worth so much more than what this married cheater has to offer.

[KismetGirl]

Which is probably why I never want to ask him anything. Because I already know it and hearing it makes me feel like I want to go jump off a freaking bridge, which is precisely how I feel rght now. I havent cried since November over him, and all I've done today is sob in bed all day and sleep so I won't be awake to think.

 

He came over this morning, per usual. Morning goes as it always does- chatting, sex, more talking, laying around, hugging, etc

 

At one point he looks at me , says "you look really cute right now. You're really quite beautiful."

 

"thanks" I say, and stare off into space.

 

I then ask him if what I told him in November (when I admitted that I loved him that one time) had bothered him. He gets quiet for a second and says "maybe, i guess, i dont know" and then "im sorry im awful at communicating, you know i care abotu you". And then, "It's just that that isn't what I was looking for in all this." I tell him he shouldnt feel weird, I've had people tell me they love me before and I dont feel the same way, and i just get on as friends with them . I try to brush it off as not being a big deal, as something I say to everyone I care about, whether they are friends or family or whatever. And at this point I'm already thinking I shouldnt have asked but he thinks I want him to talk now and he rarely does about these things so I let him go on.

 

The above is from your first post in the thread titled "I told you he is always honest.."

 

So somehow you got the message across to him that you love him.

 

I'm glad to hear you haven't been seeing the MM. He doesn't deserve to see you. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Keep looking forward and believing that you are worth so much more than what this married cheater has to offer.

 

Yeah, i assume its one of those times i did one of those "love ya", "care about you a lot" indirect ways of saying I love him

 

Either way doesnt matter I guess

 

None of it ever really mattered too much

[KismetGirl]

 

I'm glad to hear you haven't been seeing the MM. He doesn't deserve to see you. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Keep looking forward and believing that you are worth so much more than what this married cheater has to offer.

 

I do believe I deserve more, dont get me wrong. I think im a good person. I have good qualities. Im not perfect but no one is. I think ive just lost (am losing) faith a long time ago that its meant for me in the cards to find true love.

 

I sort of just feel like i'll end up settling for someone because he's a nice enough guy that won't hurt me, rather than someone i really want to be with. And then I'll end up like MM, in some mediocre marriage that's "good enough" but not what i had envisioned for myself.

 

maybe that's the best most of us get? Maybe true love is a fairy tale garbage told to us as little kids to make us believe if we keep on trying hard enough we'll find our soul mates, in reality no such thing really exists because it's always "wrong time wrong place". Maybe my "soul mate" exists but he's just somewhere where I'll never run into him, eh? Seems more likely at this point.

[Hope Shimmers]

I sort of just feel like i'll end up settling for someone because he's a nice enough guy that won't hurt me, rather than someone i really want to be with. And then I'll end up like MM, in some mediocre marriage that's "good enough" but not what i had envisioned for myself.

 

maybe that's the best most of us get? Maybe true love is a fairy tale garbage told to us as little kids to make us believe if we keep on trying hard enough we'll find our soul mates,

 

Welcome to the real life of long-term relationships. At least, from the perspective of someone who was married for 17 years, divorced, then was involved with a ("divorcing") MM for the better part of 10 years, until now. So I'm in the same place you are at, KG, in a way, although I have already had my family.

 

Marriage isn't some kind of fantasy or fairy tale, not for anyone. Yes, that stuff said to us as kids is not reality. It's not meant as a joke, but there are no "soul mates". Marriage of any significant length will suffer from lack of sexual excitement at times (kids or not) and it will suffer from everything being "vanilla" (again, being with the same person all the time). And some people need to feed overly large egos with knowing that there are still women out there pining for them, while they are in this 'boring' situation -thus all that he told you.

 

What you state as being "just good enough" for his marriage is the lie, and is really a lot more - read anika's post again and again. It is SO right on. I wish I had known and accepted that before now.

 

I am sure his ego is huge, knowing that you still love him and (I am sure he thinks) you are waiting for him. I am sure that he loves his time talking to you, intellectual stimulation, sexual stimulation. I can tell from your posts that you offer all of that. I did too. Matters nothing. The ONLY thing that matters (or should matter) for you is what he actually does, and does not, do.

[anika99]

I agree with Hope. The fairy tale romance stories are lies. People are flawed, relationships are flawed, marriages are flawed. There is no perfect marriage just like there is no perfect job or perfect house or perfect anything.

 

 

Long term relationships take work but even with attention and good intentions they can still become mundane and boring, because mature responsible people cannot run away and ignore those boring mundane things that must be attended to. We have to work, we have to care for our children, pay our bills, deal with our relatives, cope with our issues (we all have some issues) and at the same time tolerate the issues of our significant other. Nobody is beautiful and stimulating and amazing every single day. That moodiness that you used to find sexy and mysterious about him, eventually gets on your last nerve. Your pout that he used to think was so cute becomes something that just exasperates him. You have heard each others stories so many times that you could recite them by heart.

 

 

I know all of that sounds pretty crappy but it's really not. It's just life and even if marriage can be pretty dull sometimes it still has many benefits and rewards. Your spouse knows your flaws, knows you're really not the god/goddess they once believed you to be and they still accept you. They accept your crazy relatives and your weird friends, they love your kids as much as you do, they make big and small sacrifices for the greater good of the family, if you go missing they are the first person to know and be concerned. If you get sick or injured they will be the person that has your back and picks up your slack (I'm turning into a poet), they get up every day and do what is expected of them even if they don't feel like it.

 

 

Of course I'm talking about mature healthy married adults here.

 

 

Guys like your MM whine and try to run away by having secret affairs, other people indulge different addictions, like alcohol and porn. They have some sort of juvenile belief that everybody in the world has it better, that somehow everyone else had happiness handed to them on a platter without doing any work for it and now they're skipping through life with never a dull moment or a care in the world.

[LifesontheUp]

Yeah, i assume its one of those times i did one of those "love ya", "care about you a lot" indirect ways of saying I love him

 

Either way doesnt matter I guess

 

None of it ever really mattered too much

 

It mattered to you KG and thats the saddest part as I believe he has used you as an extra to his married life.

 

I also believe that you deserve better (his wife too) and I really hope that when you move that you will start a new life and realise that there is better out there for you.

[cif]

In ten years I've never once asked him to leave her for me. In ten years I've never once asked him for nearly anything. That's my problem maybe. I was too giving , let him have his cake without making any decisions. It is what it is. I figured no one is happy if they are forced to do anything.

This is not true.

You stepped out of his life for THREE!!! years. NC/Silence tells him you expect more than an affair. He didn't choose you. He didn't come after you. Instead he chose MC with his wife to make their life better.. and now they're having their FOURTH child.

 

 

If one day he woke up and changed his life and i was still single maybe i'd entertain the thought of a relationship. maybe.

Lose this hope. It's detrimental to realizing your own dreams and goals.

[jellybean89]

You started this thread on Nov 5. Almost 3 weeks ago...saying you were leaving in 2 months...yet you continue to say you are leaving in 2 months...when it would be more like 5-6 weeks. You are very exact in the # of days since you last saw him so I wonder if you are really leaving in "2 months" or if you are changing your mind and are planning to stay longer.

[anna121]

Hey Kismet,

 

Please try and remember the devastation that you felt only a few days ago when he told you, AFTER getting in contact, that his wife is pregnant again.

 

I think, at the time, you correctly saw him for the rat-bastard that he is.

 

But, having read through all your threads in the last two days (procrastination is a wonderful thing) the pattern is that you eventually find a way to rationalize his horrible, morally bankrupt, unbelievably selfish actions. It is, literally, incredible to watch how you defend his behaviour (they had sex b/c they were in therapy; he got together with OW after you but he's not a serial cheater; it's you, not his wife, who he really loves.)

 

While I am not surprised, I find it unutterably sad that you would continue to be in touch with him. Every. Frigging. Day.

 

Wow.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I don't think any of us should judge married people for having affairs. We have no idea what goes on behind closed doors or what goes on between them. I have a relative who's in the most horrible of situations. Not only would I not blame him for having an affair, I would totally understand. But he will not leave his marriage. On the surface, everyone thinks his wife is Mom of the Year. Everyone close to them knows better. She's massively angry and abusive. My point is, unless you're there, there's no way to know the dynamics between a couple. And there is nothing that can make a person feel more trapped than a bad marriage.

 

We have no idea about Kismet's xMM's situation so there's no point in dragging his motives, actions, etc into the conversation. What is all boils down to for any OW is whether the situation works for her or not (and it rarely does). Nothing else really matters. And for any of us who have been the OW, we know there's no point at all trying to analyze someone else's marriage.

[anna121]

 

We have no idea about Kismet's xMM's situation so there's no point in dragging his motives, actions, etc into the conversation. What is all boils down to for any OW is whether the situation works for her or not (and it rarely does). Nothing else really matters. And for any of us who have been the OW, we know there's no point at all trying to analyze someone else's marriage.

 

We most certainly CAN judge THIS particular xMM based on the way that he treats Kismet. For that, we have the evidence straight from the horse's mouth. As it were. And it allows for perfectly reasonable, clear-cut inferences about his motives.

 

I won't get into the "let's not judge people who have affairs" debate.

[bathtub-row]

My other point is that while it's possible that the fairytale relationships may be along the lines of finding a unicorn, the truth is, good relationships can exist without feeling like you're settling. Find someone you're compatible with, someone you can talk to and be friends with. And while I understand that relationships require some work, it should not be work every single day where it exhausts you and makes you feel like you're in a small battle most of your life. Find someone who's good for you, who you enjoy being with, that you're grandly compatible and happy with. If you can't at least find that, then I'd say try being alone. It definitely has its advantages over being miserably married or feeling like you settled.

[bathtub-row]

We most certainly CAN judge THIS particular xMM based on the way that he treats Kismet. For that, we have the evidence straight from the horse's mouth. As it were. And it allows for perfectly reasonable, clear-cut inferences about his motives.

 

I won't get into the "let's not judge people who have affairs" debate.

 

I'm talking about getting into conversations about his marriage. We simply don't know the circumstances.

 

I'm sure lots of people would love to debate the topic of people who have affairs. It's not black-and-white as a lot of people like to believe. People make their choices. Until we know exactly what drives that person, we have no right to judge. That's all I'm saying.

[anna121]

 

I'm talking about getting into conversations about his marriage. We simply don't know the circumstances.

 

I'm sure lots of people would love to debate the topic of people who have affairs. It's not black-and-white as a lot of people like to believe. People make their choices. Until we know exactly what drives that person, we have no right to judge. That's all I'm saying.

 

Fair enough. For curiosity's sake, does this also apply to KG? Over the last six years she has engaged in tons of speculation about his marriage ...

[bathtub-row]

Fair enough. For curiosity's sake, does this also apply to KG? Over the last six years she has engaged in tons of speculation about his marriage ...

 

No, it doesn't apply to her. At least she knows the guy. I'm just tired of hearing so many people make these statements about what a lousy person he is when we really have no idea.

[cif]

No, it doesn't apply to her. At least she knows the guy. I'm just tired of hearing so many people make these statements about what a lousy person he is when we really have no idea.

 

But we are getting our info on MM from KismetGirl, correct? Reading her backstory gives insight into his character.