After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[emsee]

I happened upon this site and realized that 6 years ago I joined...

This is in response to mm contacted you..

Swallow this if you can.

This past October signaled 11 years with a mm. I broke it off, finally, but after much drama.

Not the first time. Please re-read that last line. 11YEARS

Three times "I'm getting a divorce"

I finally drove to his house, told his wife who I was, wrote her a letter telling her everything, then left.

After 4 months he has contacted me again.

 

Please read and re-read what I have written. I began this when I was 49, he was 50. Love isn't just for young adults! I am now 60, unemployed, single, lonely, depressed, and just wasted my entire 50's on this idiot.

And he has the nerve to contact me again.

Please don't end up like me.

They never leave.

Really, all it takes is to get on this site every day, read some of the posts, and it will help you realize what a pos this man is. Smug. Entitled.

Oh, and a liar and a cheat. All the things I taught my son NOT to be.

[anna121]

Kismet:

 

Noticed you've been posting again and from what I can gather it has not gone very well. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Wondering if you'd care to update your thread. Are you back home now? What happened to the LDR - did you finally meet?

[KismetGirl]

Kismet:

 

Noticed you've been posting again and from what I can gather it has not gone very well. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Wondering if you'd care to update your thread. Are you back home now? What happened to the LDR - did you finally meet?

 

Hey.

 

It's not been easy, no. I'm not back home yet-- im actually leaving this weekend, so havent met the LDR guy yet, though he messages me often and says he cant wait to meet me. That's a whole other thing.

 

Obviously i couldnt stay away from MM. If it's possible, he's actually gotten sexier since I last saw him even though he's ten years older than when I met him. Funny how men look better as they age.

 

Anyway. I saw him. Slept with him. More than once. Feelings all came back. He's been more open and talkative since we reconnected. He never used to tell me this much about how he's feeling.

 

We spent a decent amount of time together this week. To say goodbye before I left.

 

For the first time in ten years, he told me he loved me in person. He's never actually really just said it to me before in person. Don't know why he did it now.

 

Told me he'll miss me.

 

Went home to his wife and four kids.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

I feel like sh*t. What else is new. Miss him, wish things could be different, but they never will. Just sit here hoping that when I leave I'll move on again slowly. He's all I think about and I hate it. I got a hotel room this week near him and he basically snuck out of work two days to spend most of them with me. Those hours with him, amazing. Those hours sleeping by myself, not so much.

 

You know whats odd-- he confessed to me, also for the first time, that he caught his own father cheating on his mother when he was a child. That he kept this secret from his own mother all these years. Funny how the one thing he detested, he now does himself. THough it does make a lot of sense now, why he refuses to leave his marriage even though he clearly doesnt want to be there. His own father "kept the family together" despite cheating and so it seems he feels he should be doing the same thing, despite the fact that he gets unhappier as the days go. Strange how we become our parents. Still havent figured out a way to make him realise that divorced fathers arent always bad fathers.

 

Don't really need any "i told you so's" right now, please, from anyone. I was hesitant enough to even update anything as it was. Im hurting a lot inside right now.

[bathtub-row]

He's got too many kids to leave. Sometimes practicality is going to win over. He can't have a life with you. It probably wasn't your best decision to start things up with him again but it probably was a little redeeming to hear him say that he loves you. He probably means it but he's also pulling out all the stops, hoping to get you to somehow stay.

 

More and more I realize that no matter how much people talk about love, our society isn't designed to sustain it.

[Acacia98]

You know whats odd-- he confessed to me, also for the first time, that he caught his own father cheating on his mother when he was a child. That he kept this secret from his own mother all these years. Funny how the one thing he detested, he now does himself. THough it does make a lot of sense now, why he refuses to leave his marriage even though he clearly doesnt want to be there. His own father "kept the family together" despite cheating and so it seems he feels he should be doing the same thing, despite the fact that he gets unhappier as the days go. Strange how we become our parents. Still havent figured out a way to make him realise that divorced fathers arent always bad fathers.

 

Hey Kismet, while we're on the subject of childhood traumas and their impact on people's adult lives:

 

You posted something way back in this thread: something about how kids move on after divorces, about how your parents divorced and you got over it. I gotta wonder: Did you really get over it? Because the stuff you've posted about your general relationship track record suggests to me that there's some emotional hurdle in your life that you haven't quite gotten over.

 

I'm a child of a broken marriage, and my parents had a terrible marriage. I was relieved when they finally separated. But I would be lying if I said that I moved on and life was all flowers and butterflies afterwards. Life went on, but the emotional scars remain, and they have certainly influenced the kinds of relationship choices I've made. I've tended to get involved in relationships that ultimately don't transition into something solid and permanent. And you seem to have done something similar. You've given your heart and soul to a married guy and jumped back into a relationship that ain't going nowhere. & even the guy you were talking with in that long distance situation: he seemed kind of out of reach. For crying out loud, he was dating other women in your absence...

 

Reading through this discussion, I've kind of identified with your need to understand the hows and whys of your MM's choices and actions. I like to understand people too. I've spent time analyzing past boyfriends' words and actions, and understanding them has often helped me to move on and get to the point where I no longer view their actions as malicious. But I think the difference between me and you is that, even as I engaged in that form of analysis, I maintained NC with them. So, even if I started to feel sentimental about them and to miss them, I was beyond their reach. They were not in a position to take advantage of my momentary weakness.

 

If there's anything I think you should do: it's to take time off from analyzing your MM and his actions and to instead invest your energy in analyzing your own actions and motivations. Be as objective as you can be. And be honest with yourself about the possibility that your parents' divorce wounded you deeply and still continues to affect you. I think you need to invest more time and energy in yourself overall. You're wasting a lot of your energy thinking about other people's complicated lives and situations and inserting yourself into their dramas.

 

Btw, your MM reminds me of an acquaintance of mine who is unhappy with whatever situation he finds himself in. He has a deep sense of emptiness inside him. It preceded his involvement in his current relationship, but funnily enough he attributes it to his current relationship (kind of like your MM attributing his unhappiness to his marital situation). He cheats on his girlfriend. But I assure you that he's not going to leave her. If he left her, he would still feel that emptiness deep inside him... He's not completely honest with himself about his feelings for his girlfriend. And I bet you your MM isn't completely honest with himself about the depth of his feelings for his wife. He's convinced you and himself that he's staying for the kids, but I'm willing to bet there's more to the situation than that. I suspect he is fated to remain unhappy and to feel empty inside and to keep reliving the unhealthy relationship patterns he has chosen...

 

I'm steering clear of the "I told you so" tone because I don't think it will help you. I think you're the sort of person who will benefit more from trying to understand yourself and why you do what you do. The way I see things, s*** happens. People make mistakes that they then regret. It's not the end of the world. The key is to take your mistake and to use it as a learning experience. Ask yourself what it tells you about you. Does it tell you that you still have some work to do? Does it tell you that you're tougher now than you were 3 years ago?

 

I sincerely think you will ultimately be okay. Be compassionate to yourself, and please, please take the time to focus on you and your emotional needs.

Edited February 1, 2015 by Acacia98

[whichwayisup]

It is what it is. Not much you can do except love him from afar and go on with your life, as time goes by you'll naturally detach from him.

 

Don't over think this either. You now know his reasons as to why he's never leaving his marriage.

 

I know you're hurting, so take good care of yourself K.

 

 

For the first time in ten years, he told me he loved me in person. He's never actually really just said it to me before in person. Don't know why he did it now.

 

It was safe, he knows you're moving away and the affair is going nowhere, he had nothing to lose. Also, it sets you free, gives you some closure that he does love you and it wasn't all a game and you weren't being used maliciously. Take that to heart and let it help you heal.

 

You two love one another but circumstances in life have prevent you two from being together as a real couple. That's what I meant by it is what it is.

 

I hope you can grieve and let go, once and for all so your loving heart can accept new love, whether it be with this new guy or someone else.

[FireandIce007]

I can imagine all the emotions you must be feeling after 3 years but please know NOTHING good will become of this contact. I wish you would of never replied because now its the back and forth, catching up and reminiscing on old times. I find it hard to believe that after 3 years, now he stumbled upon your email address. Regardless of whatever it may be, even if his wife sent you that email why didn't he reach out wondering why he never heard from you? I guess all that doesn't matter now but the fact still remains is that he's still married. If he's that unhappy he'll leave, simple as that. He needs his ego stroked and went back to the place where it allowed him that escape from his mundane marriage. Do yourself a favor and don't reply to him. You've been fine all this time and to have this enter your life again is insanity. I know easier said than done but believe me sweety, you can do bad all by yourself. Wishing you the best!

[Hope Shimmers]

If it's possible, he's actually gotten sexier since I last saw him even though he's ten years older than when I met him. Funny how men look better as they age.

 

Sucks, doesn't it.

 

Anyway. I saw him. Slept with him. More than once. Feelings all came back. He's been more open and talkative since we reconnected. He never used to tell me this much about how he's feeling.

 

We spent a decent amount of time together this week. To say goodbye before I left.

 

Well, at least you're honest. And I'm sorry you're hurting. I recall the feeling all too well.

 

For the first time in ten years, he told me he loved me in person. He's never actually really just said it to me before in person. Don't know why he did it now.

 

Told me he'll miss me.

 

Went home to his wife and four kids.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

It's amazing how men will come up with those words when they know they won't have to live by them, isn't it? When they know there's no risk.

 

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Mine loved me too, but he just couldn't/wouldn't put it into action because of xxxxyyyyzzzz reasons. Kids, wife, marriage, kids, marriage, grandkids, marriage, in laws... wash, rinse repeat.

 

I feel like sh*t. What else is new. Miss him, wish things could be different, but they never will.

 

At least you know that. You are a bright woman - spend this time working on the why's of what happened and how to move on without him in your life the way you want him to be. It's crappy, but it is what it is (to quote WhichWayIsUp).

 

Do one thing though - please don't waste another 10 years on him, okay?

[KismetGirl]

Im back 'home' overseas and I have to tell you my life just gets better *sarcastic tone inserted here*

 

I still think about MM daily. On top of my, my ex that lives HERE has told me that despite the fact that he loves me, that Im wonderful, etc, he's moving in with his current idiot child girlfriend who he doesnt love but who is "there". I spent over a year essentially fixing this damaged guy so that now some 24 year old girl can reap the rewards of my work, so to speak. It's quite bothered me since I've been back.

 

The icing on the cake of my life?-- one of my best friends committed suicide last week.

 

I literally feel like Im going to lose my mind.

 

I have my physical health, but I gotta tell you, my mental one is teetering a lot these days.

 

I have no time for therapy and cant afford it much these days though I've had a bit of it inconsistently the last few weeks with someone new. It's not helping necessarily and I think it's just because I'm not sure how much negative news I can handle anymore. Nothing in my love life works-- these men all "love" me but I am never the woman they end up with, no matter what. It's some kind of sick joke.

 

My friend-- he was one of the nicest, most amazing people I've ever known. I used to support him often, and I was so caught up in my own life problems I didn't speak to him much these last few months being overseas, and I come back to find out he took his own life last week. I feel horrible, guilty, awful.

 

I feel sometimes like parts of my life other people would love to have (the career aspect, I guess), and I have a loving family. But my god i think fate is really testing the lengths of my sanity in my personal/emotional existence. I'm not sure how much more I can take right now. I need SOMETHING good to happen.

 

Oh-- did I mention that the "new" guy , the LDR guy, that I was supposed to meet here.....yeh, so he took me out for a drink the other night. Was going well. He obviously was into me. Kissed me. Groped each other like teenagers. It made me giddy. Distracted me from the pain of everything else. At the end of the night he timidly "admits" he's had a new girlfriend the last month and she believes they are exclusive.

 

I must have some kind of effing magnet on my a** for unavailable men who like to f**k with my head.

 

I can't make this stuff up.

[beach]

Have you read co dependent no more...? I hope you will. You can't "fix" another person.

 

I hope you will focus on making changes for yourself... And then attract healthy men while ruling out and weeding out the unhealthy ones.

 

Do this for yourself; I hope you will.

[Pretywoman]

Im just curious.. Have both you and mm were in touch all together? or you literally ignore him?

[KismetGirl]

Im just curious.. Have both you and mm were in touch all together? or you literally ignore him?

 

Im sorry, I am not certain i understand what you are asking me.

 

I'm overseas so I talk to him on the phone. When I was in the same city as him we saw each other a few times recently. Prior to the last few months I hadn't spoken to him or seen him in three years at what I thought was his request though it was apparently his wife that had sent me an email from his account.

[CrystalShine2011]

I've been in this sort of situation. If they are seeing a therapist together I guarentee it will be years before any sort of split happens, if it ever does happen.

 

STEAR CLEAR! And find happiness with someone that will make you #1.

[KismetGirl]

Have you read co dependent no more...? I hope you will. You can't "fix" another person.

 

I hope you will focus on making changes for yourself... And then attract healthy men while ruling out and weeding out the unhealthy ones.

 

Do this for yourself; I hope you will.

 

I dont mean I literally fix them. I mean I spend an awful lot of time being patient and understanding and helping them to "help themselves". People do not change their essential core but they are able to change in some ways. It happens all the time. And what I meant by this was that I often see that right after I break up with them they often go on to do the exact opposite of what they claimed they were ever able or capable of doing with the very next person they date.

 

You cant help who you are attracted to. I've always been drawn to the weirdos. What can I say. MM just happens ot be a weirdo doing a pretty good job most of his life of pretending about who he is to almost everyone around him except maybe me, one of his good friends back home he's known since childhood, and the occasional passing other but his own wife, while I'm sure she knows him well in many ways...doesn't really know him. If she did, she wouldn't be with him. She certainly wouldn't have another kid with him. Or maybe she's so desperate to make it work that being in denial and expanding the family are all she knows how to do? I guess if I were in her shoes I'd be desperate to make my family work too. Can't blame her.

 

Wish I'd be attracted to a normal single person.

[KismetGirl]

I've been in this sort of situation. If they are seeing a therapist together I guarentee it will be years before any sort of split happens, if it ever does happen.

 

STEAR CLEAR! And find happiness with someone that will make you #1.

 

I dont think it'll ever happen unless its forced on him by outside forces. Whatever that means.

 

I dont know if you read the post in which he confessed that when he was a kid he caught his dad cheating on his mother. Literally-- he walked in on his father banging some other woman in their own house while mom was out. He's resented his dad his whole life for making him essentially keep this secret from his mother, and yet, his father didn't leave the family did he. He "kept the family together". I think in this sense MM, despite doing what he claims to have resented his father doing, also probably feels this inherent manly responsibility to keep his family together.

 

What can I say.

[KismetGirl]

It is what it is. Not much you can do except love him from afar and go on with your life, as time goes by you'll naturally detach from him.

 

Don't over think this either. You now know his reasons as to why he's never leaving his marriage.

 

I know you're hurting, so take good care of yourself K.

 

 

 

 

It was safe, he knows you're moving away and the affair is going nowhere, he had nothing to lose. Also, it sets you free, gives you some closure that he does love you and it wasn't all a game and you weren't being used maliciously. Take that to heart and let it help you heal.

 

You two love one another but circumstances in life have prevent you two from being together as a real couple. That's what I meant by it is what it is.

 

I hope you can grieve and let go, once and for all so your loving heart can accept new love, whether it be with this new guy or someone else.

 

Thanks

 

I hope I can move on too. Ive not quite been able to forget. You know, since I got back its been a bit stressful, my close friend died the day I got back (literally), and I've been in a sort of fog. I was really devasted, cried for a few days almost all the time I was home. Between that, the fact that the LDR guy ended up being a total cheating prick (surprise surprise he has a girlfriend even though he previously told me they broke up!!! and tells me AFTER we kiss!) and the jetleg/lack of sleep thought I'd go insane. I can't even begin to fathom being interested in anyone, going on dates. Barely have energy to do what needs to be done on a daily basis. Been incredibly antisocial, avoid parties I'm invited to since Im back, avoid friends that try to see me with the exception of one close friend. Just can't bear to be around a lot of people right now. And I guess in that sense of sadness I end up reaching out to the person who gives me odd comfort. Me and MM still talk on the phone, maybe once a week. He calls me from work and tries to cheer me up with all the stuff's happened since I've been back. He's good at it I will admit. Probably because he sincerely cares and at the same time is intelligent and knows what to say in these situations.

 

But im trying. Life is just overwhelming sometimes and there's only so much strength I can muster.

[anna121]

Thanks for the update Kismet, tho I'm sorry it's been such an incredibly crap time for you.

 

I can understand you talking to MM, right now, and I suppose the distance may make it feel safe. I think it is damaging to you in the extreme, in that it reinforces the fantasy that you can count on him and that he is there for you.

 

You can't and he isn't. You DO know that...right? I truly hope so.

 

Can I ask you something. Before the stuff with MM contacting you again, before the LDR guy, and before the terrible tragedy of losing your friend....

 

What were your goals for 2015?

[KismetGirl]

Thanks for the update Kismet, tho I'm sorry it's been such an incredibly crap time for you.

 

I can understand you talking to MM, right now, and I suppose the distance may make it feel safe. I think it is damaging to you in the extreme, in that it reinforces the fantasy that you can count on him and that he is there for you.

 

You can't and he isn't. You DO know that...right? I truly hope so.

 

Can I ask you something. Before the stuff with MM contacting you again, before the LDR guy, and before the terrible tragedy of losing your friend....

 

What were your goals for 2015?

 

Thanks.

 

I talk to MM becsuse he's some weird sense of....consistency? dont know. He's not even that reliable, he never is. I know I cant really rely on him. I mean, when he has me on the phone he says all the right things, sounds like he really cares, but at the end of the day when he calls me it's because he's at work and he can get away with it. When he is home on the weekend his responses become minimal or non-existant until back to work on Monday, because he deletes his texting app over the weekend so his wife won't find it and re-installs it when he's not at home (tip to all you BS's out there....dont think that snooping and finding a clean phone mean he's being good. It doesn't. There are lots of new apps out there that you can delete and re-install and all the chats are saved....I digress)

 

Anyway. He's useless. But in moments of despair i guess its still nice to hear his voice. I imagine if I could meet someone else I wouldnt feel this need but its hard to focus on meeting new people when i feel so awful.

 

Goals....i have plenty, most of them career-related. Which one would think is an important thing and ive been so distracted i worry i'll royally screw it up if i dont get back on track. I also wanted to lose weight this year. Believe it or not, despite the fact that I'm still pretty decent looking, I'd venture so far as to say I can be quite stunning when Im at a healthier weight for myself, like I was a couple years back. The last few years have been unkind in that regard due to stress and unhealthy living, and its knocked a bit of my confidence away. Despite the fact that my guy friend got drunk and confessed I'm one of the "hottest" people he knows, I think he looks past my weight gain because he knows me on the inside. No thtat that isn't important, but I look at pics of myself 3-4 years ago and 50 pounds ago. I carry it really well now, but well...its not where I want to be. So...career goals, health and weight loss goals. I suppose overall I just wanted to be happy this year. I extended this overseas contract because I felt I spent so much time since ive been here being stressed and depressed I didnt really enjoy this country enough and i wanted to give it another go, another year to enjoy it and my surroundings and my friends here and the culture here. Im getting a new apartment this week, have grandiose plans of making big marks in my career and just being bloody happy for once. Plans often fall through but i remain optimistic that maybe, just maybe, I may actually be happy for once in my life.

[bathtub-row]

What do you mean his wife sent the email from her husband's account? Was that email responsible for getting the two of you back together??

 

Wow, I'm really sorry about the things that have happened to you. All by themselves, any one of those things would be enough. I'm just so sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear about your friends death. Please, do not feel guilty and beat yourself up over not keeping in touch as much. Life gets busy and stuff happens.

 

As for the LD guy, what a shi.t he is. Forget him.

 

I hope as you get busier with work and life you are able to detach from (ex)MM as time goes on. Rely on him less, talk to him less and make new friends where you are now. Reality is, keeping in touch with him keeps the flame alive and prevents you from closing yourself off to him. Would HATE to hear 2 years from now this is still on going...

 

Take care K, and do PM me anytime.

[anna121]

Very glad to hear you extended your contract! I think it's a great idea to give the new place another chance. I have an idea where it is, and frankly I'm envious.

 

Your goals sound very achievable. You're obviously super smart so the career stuff should fall into place once you are able to focus. And I really hope that you will give yourself that gift. The weight stuff also should be easier to deal with if you just....allow yourself to be at peace.

 

I really wish that for you this year.

[stellamaria]

Just caught up on all of this thread.

 

Ahh, Kismet. I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks.

 

The cheating guy - firstly, he kissed you, which means he does like you. Yeah, he's a cheating scumbag, but you were concerned that you weren't his usual type and he'd not find you attractive, and he does, so that's that. But still you should shut him out for being a liar and a cheat.

 

The MM - it's easy for any of us to say he's bad news. We don't know your bond. It's obviously strong. He obviously cares for you a great deal, and you do him.

 

But listen - none of you are available. This is the truth about affairs. He's unavailable, and so are you, because otherwise you'd not accept this kind of relationship. Not because it's cheap, anything like that, but because it's painful for you.

 

You can get over him. You don't want to right now, because the thought of never having him, never seeing him again, never ultimately 'winning' him as yours, is too painful. But you can do it.

 

The phone calls are causing you more pain. The best and easiest way to get over him is to write down 10 (or whatever) specific examples of times he hurt you deeply, didn't care for your needs, made you feel vulnerable or less than happy, anything. Write them down and read them every day, read them every time you're tempted to get in touch, read them every time you're sad about him. Allow the sadness, allow yourself to miss him, allow a brief moment of allowing the hopes and dreams into your conscious, but then focus on the pain and hurt. And every day is a step closer. You did 3 years NC, you can do it. Maybe in another 3 years, who knows, the NC might actually make him realise he's wasting his life. If he loves you as much as you say, he won't let you go. You just have to have blind faith and try and get over him regardless.

 

I hope you're okay. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

[KismetGirl]

Just caught up on all of this thread.

 

Ahh, Kismet. I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks.

 

The cheating guy - firstly, he kissed you, which means he does like you. Yeah, he's a cheating scumbag, but you were concerned that you weren't his usual type and he'd not find you attractive, and he does, so that's that. But still you should shut him out for being a liar and a cheat.

 

The MM - it's easy for any of us to say he's bad news. We don't know your bond. It's obviously strong. He obviously cares for you a great deal, and you do him.

 

But listen - none of you are available. This is the truth about affairs. He's unavailable, and so are you, because otherwise you'd not accept this kind of relationship. Not because it's cheap, anything like that, but because it's painful for you.

 

You can get over him. You don't want to right now, because the thought of never having him, never seeing him again, never ultimately 'winning' him as yours, is too painful. But you can do it.

 

The phone calls are causing you more pain. The best and easiest way to get over him is to write down 10 (or whatever) specific examples of times he hurt you deeply, didn't care for your needs, made you feel vulnerable or less than happy, anything. Write them down and read them every day, read them every time you're tempted to get in touch, read them every time you're sad about him. Allow the sadness, allow yourself to miss him, allow a brief moment of allowing the hopes and dreams into your conscious, but then focus on the pain and hurt. And every day is a step closer. You did 3 years NC, you can do it. Maybe in another 3 years, who knows, the NC might actually make him realise he's wasting his life. If he loves you as much as you say, he won't let you go. You just have to have blind faith and try and get over him regardless.

 

I hope you're okay. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

 

The phone calls cause me more pain in some ways, you're right. They are comforting in that moment, but afterwards I usually feel like I want to cry. I try to act annoying sometimes even (for lack of better words) in the hopes he'll just say to hell with it. Due to a family emergency I have to actually go back home again (where MM lives) for about a month, and when I spoke to him today I asked if he intends to see me while I am there. He also has his family visiting him because of the new baby and Easter coming up in April next month. He tried to tease me, I think, saying "we will see if I have time" or "oh god you're here again?" just to aggravate me, though he laughed afterwards. Sort of in that way like when little boys like little girls a lot, and they dont know how to deal with it so they tease them mercilessly instead. So I said to him "look, if you dont want to see me again, just tell me now. I wont talk to you again. I didn't talk to you for three years, so if this is too much for you again, tell me now and I'll not say another word to you."

 

I think I was hoping he'd just say "yeah, you know what, i can't do this, i can't talk to you." Seeing as how he's always saying he doesnt know if he can see me, because work is busy and the new baby at home makes it hard for him to go anywhere and his family visiting, I figured what the hell, I was giving him an easy out to just say no i can't see you anymore. BUt he didn't say that. I all but begged him out right to just tell me to never talk to him again. But he didn't. He asked what my work schedule would be and I said I'll be busy days, I wont have time to take off like I did before, hoping he'd say "well, that's not something that will work, I won't be able to see you." But he didn't. And for some reason I'm still too weak to say it myself.

 

While Im home for the family issues I also took on a month-long work assignment while Im there, which is good since my new contract here doesn't start again till after Easter, so I'll be pretty busy during the weekdays and I wont have time to take off to see him. I'm sort of just assuming he will not go out of his way to see me after work hours (I think he took for granted that I would go exceptionally out of my way to move around my schedule to make time for his convenience....), and he NEVER sees me on weekends for the most part, so I just assume I wont see him while I'm home. Which is a passive way of avoiding him I guess but its better than nothing. When he got off the phone with me I got an "Ok Princess, I have to go, call me next week , I'll see you when you're here" but I really don't believe he'll make the time to go out of HIS way and work around MY work schedule this time around. Last time I was there my time was much more flexible and I'd work nights so that I could sneak off with him during the afternoons when he'd say he was at work.

 

Anyway I know I didnt talk to him for three years before, and I wish I could say I totally forgot about him but I still thought about him. I will admit that it was much less than I think about him now. The fact that I had another boyfriend in the time that we were apart helped a lot. The fact that I am single now with no prospects (and every potential prospect becoming a disaster) makes it harder to forget about him. I think I'm just the sort of person who is happier in a relationship, which a lot of people are. I'm not saying I don't enjoy other things, but being with someone makes me feel more complete and because I'm at an age where the whole marriage and family thing are really pressured it's even more so than when I first met him those ten long years ago when I was basically a kid.

 

I know I should feel good that the LDR guy kissed me and so I should be relieved that my worries about him not finding me attractive are assuaged, but because he basically turned out to be a lying bast*rd I kind of tell myself he wasn't really into me at all, he just wanted to get laid, and that doesn't make me feel much better. Men don't have to be really into you to get laid. I have a lot of guy friends and they can definitely differentiate between "girls I want to be with" and "girls that are only good for one thing". Obviously for him I've fallen into the lesser category and I can't see how that would make me feel better.

 

Anyway Im a bit down lately. Stressed with work, which is good but at the same time overwhelming at times. My friend's death really took a toll on what should have been happiness and relief at being in different surroundings again.

 

All I want is for the coming year to be better than the last year and a half has been. I feel this twinge of hope when you say maybe in three years he'd realise he's not happy and leave, but let's face it, I don't want to have three more years until I'M happy, and I just wish I could get some inkling that something in my life would look up soon. Because I'm really having trouble believing that lately.

[anna121]

You're just setting yourself up for more pain, Kismet. You're embracing it.

 

You'll see him, you'll sleep together and...nothing will change. You'll be stuck. For the, what, fifth time now?

 

It's just incredibly sad to me.

[justmebev1]

Kismet - I can understand how you feel. I have been N/C for 7 mos. and the longer it goes the longer i miss him. I can understand your dilemma. When you are so in love with someone and enjoyed everything about them, it never seems to go away, sometimes more than others, but never totally gone.

 

In a weird way, your contact after 3 yrs gives me some hope. Why I don't know, what I don't know, I think about if we did just speak as friends could it stay that way, would it hurt like it hurts you to just talk. The one thing I would stress now this much time later is DIVORCE no ifs, ands or buts....he wants you he has to divorce don't go another round it will end up the same as now with more pain.

 

I just wanted you to know I feel your pain and I wish you the best. Go with your gut feeling..*****BIG HUGS*****