After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[minimariah]

You cant help who you are attracted to.

 

of course you can. therapy, therapy and aaaaaaaaall therapy everything.

 

if i were you, i would seriously start saving up money for it - i honestly think you desperately need it. you need to break down a lot of relationship patterns & make this entire "falling for the weirdos who need my help in becoming better people" thing go. this savior complex of yours needs to go.

 

you are a grown woman and i'm pretty sure there is a reason you fall for these men who need to be saved or changed or raised again or whatever. work that out.

 

...and the occasional passing other but his own wife, while I'm sure she knows him well in many ways...doesn't really know him. If she did, she wouldn't be with him. She certainly wouldn't have another kid with him.

 

i'm sure she knows him better than you do, actually. why is she staying? why is she having another kid with him? for the very same reasons he is staying & having another kid with her, probably.

 

if i were her - i would stay, too. and for one reason only - the future sure looks a lot brighter being married and living the comfortable life with your finances, family & friends intact than starting from the scratch as a single mother of 4. she isn't being desperate at all, she's being smart & making her life as comfortable as she possibly can.

 

it's easy to see and understand why she stays with him (even if she knew absolutely everything & even if she couldn't care less about him) - she simply has way too much to lose. i'm confused about YOU - why are you staying with him? why are you going back to the same destructive relationship that broke your heart so many times in previous years?

 

why do you think that he isn't good enough for his wife but he's good enough for you? i think it's clear he doesn't love you, neither one of you. sure, there are feelings... but that isn't love. and anyone who experienced that pure, HEALTHY and fulfilling love can see that.

 

stay away from him. this is your life and it's absolutely tragic that you keep wasting it on a dude who couldn't care less about you and your heartbreak. if he truly loved you he would either let you go or divorced his wife - instead he has another kid with her, burying himself even deeper in that marriage? come on. he doesn't even respect you enough to leave you alone so you can get over it, let alone love you.

 

you have ONE life. and everything is precious, time is precious. stop wasting it on someone who clearly doesn't deserve you.

 

you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - time to wake up & take control over your own life and relationships.

[jellybean89]

Kismet, all of your happiness is within your control.

 

 

Anyway Im a bit down lately. Stressed with work, which is good but at the same time overwhelming at times. My friend's death really took a toll on what should have been happiness and relief at being in different surroundings again.

 

All I want is for the coming year to be better than the last year and a half has been. I feel this twinge of hope when you say maybe in three years he'd realise he's not happy and leave, but let's face it, I don't want to have three more years until I'M happy, and I just wish I could get some inkling that something in my life would look up soon. Because I'm really having trouble believing that lately.

 

You are handing him all your power You are choosing to play these games with him - wanting him to end it. Why in the world would HE want to end having some hot girl panting after him and willing to do the deed with him without any effort on his part? He brings you nothing but sorrow, outside of a few orgasms, and yet you keep going back to him and then wondering why you are unhappy.

[Sassy Girl]

Jeez this thread is so freaking sad!

 

Its like a car accident... you can see it all appending in slow motion. The advice was all spot on and ALL ignored and in the space of 3 months you've gone back 8 freaking years. All that personal growth and BAM... back to where you started... obsessing, hanging onto crumbs.... hoping for any type of attention, allowing and expecting so little of yourself.

 

So sad

[sunburned]

The phone calls cause me more pain in some ways, you're right. They are comforting in that moment, but afterwards I usually feel like I want to cry. I try to act annoying sometimes even (for lack of better words) in the hopes he'll just say to hell with it. Due to a family emergency I have to actually go back home again (where MM lives) for about a month, and when I spoke to him today I asked if he intends to see me while I am there. He also has his family visiting him because of the new baby and Easter coming up in April next month. He tried to tease me, I think, saying "we will see if I have time" or "oh god you're here again?" just to aggravate me, though he laughed afterwards. Sort of in that way like when little boys like little girls a lot, and they dont know how to deal with it so they tease them mercilessly instead. So I said to him "look, if you dont want to see me again, just tell me now. I wont talk to you again. I didn't talk to you for three years, so if this is too much for you again, tell me now and I'll not say another word to you."

 

I think I was hoping he'd just say "yeah, you know what, i can't do this, i can't talk to you." Seeing as how he's always saying he doesnt know if he can see me, because work is busy and the new baby at home makes it hard for him to go anywhere and his family visiting, I figured what the hell, I was giving him an easy out to just say no i can't see you anymore. BUt he didn't say that. I all but begged him out right to just tell me to never talk to him again. But he didn't. He asked what my work schedule would be and I said I'll be busy days, I wont have time to take off like I did before, hoping he'd say "well, that's not something that will work, I won't be able to see you." But he didn't. And for some reason I'm still too weak to say it myself.

 

While Im home for the family issues I also took on a month-long work assignment while Im there, which is good since my new contract here doesn't start again till after Easter, so I'll be pretty busy during the weekdays and I wont have time to take off to see him. I'm sort of just assuming he will not go out of his way to see me after work hours (I think he took for granted that I would go exceptionally out of my way to move around my schedule to make time for his convenience....), and he NEVER sees me on weekends for the most part, so I just assume I wont see him while I'm home. Which is a passive way of avoiding him I guess but its better than nothing. When he got off the phone with me I got an "Ok Princess, I have to go, call me next week , I'll see you when you're here" but I really don't believe he'll make the time to go out of HIS way and work around MY work schedule this time around. Last time I was there my time was much more flexible and I'd work nights so that I could sneak off with him during the afternoons when he'd say he was at work..

 

Hi, Kismet. I'm sorry you're going through so much emotional turmoil. I caught up on your story (more or less) recently and didn't feel I could add anything new or substantive. But I really agree with the last several posters. (sassy, jellybean, mariah and anna). You are grasping at straws. You are a smart (and apparently very attractive) woman acting desperate for someone committed enough to have four children with his wife and selfish enough to cheat on her.

 

You rambled on for three paragraphs about how flattered/validated you felt that he didn't come right out and say "No, I won't see you while you are here." Talking about grasping at straws or foraging for crumbs! All I can see are the things he didn't say -- or do. Not just in that skype chat but in the last 10 years. As minimariah said, you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've heard this referred to as the very definition of insanity. Girl, get off this merry-go-round of misery once and for all. You don't belong there.

Edited February 25, 2015 by sunburned

[Wifeinpain]

Speaking as a fOW who married the AP and became the BS.

 

Every excuse he threw at you is what my husband said to me. I ate it up and believed every word he said. He left, we married, he cheated.

 

Guess what? He told all the same lies and exaggerations that he told me.

 

My point is that you're not in their home, you're not in their bedroom so just because he tells you that their sex life is nearly non existent, passionless, and just to relieve their sexual needs, well, I ask you, have you heard HER side of it?

 

You believe every single morsel this man feeds you. Stop.

 

For my husband's first marriage, the problem wasn't the marriage and it wasn't his ex wife. It was HIM that had issues because he felt that the excitement made him happier. Oh, and I was part of the problem in their marriage, too.

 

Now I'm a BW to the same man. You know what? HE was still the problem in the marriage, as was his OW. It has taken him many years to understand why he was a serial cheater.

 

His reasons for his lies and exaggerations? It made us feel sorry for him.

 

He would be on the phone for hours with his OW bemoaning his unhappy existence with me, but when he came home he was all smiles and making plans with me to have our child. You don't know how he acts at home...they could have planned this pregnancy together and he could be happily showing the sonogram picture to anyone who will look.

 

Until you know her side of the story, you don't KNOW a thing.

 

As a fOW turned BW, let me tell you that I would NEVER sleep with a married man again. It is soul crushing and I would never be a party to helping harm another woman again. Once it's happened to you, you'll have a different perspective.

 

Good luck.

[cocorico]

Speaking as a fOW who married the AP and became the BS.

 

Every excuse he threw at you is what my husband said to me. I ate it up and believed every word he said. He left, we married, he cheated.

 

Guess what? He told all the same lies and exaggerations that he told me.

 

My point is that you're not in their home, you're not in their bedroom so just because he tells you that their sex life is nearly non existent, passionless, and just to relieve their sexual needs, well, I ask you, have you heard HER side of it?

 

You believe every single morsel this man feeds you. Stop.

 

For my husband's first marriage, the problem wasn't the marriage and it wasn't his ex wife. It was HIM that had issues because he felt that the excitement made him happier. Oh, and I was part of the problem in their marriage, too.

 

Now I'm a BW to the same man. You know what? HE was still the problem in the marriage, as was his OW. It has taken him many years to understand why he was a serial cheater.

 

His reasons for his lies and exaggerations? It made us feel sorry for him.

 

He would be on the phone for hours with his OW bemoaning his unhappy existence with me, but when he came home he was all smiles and making plans with me to have our child. You don't know how he acts at home...they could have planned this pregnancy together and he could be happily showing the sonogram picture to anyone who will look.

 

Until you know her side of the story, you don't KNOW a thing.

 

As a fOW turned BW, let me tell you that I would NEVER sleep with a married man again. It is soul crushing and I would never be a party to helping harm another woman again. Once it's happened to you, you'll have a different perspective.

 

Good luck.

 

I am also a fOW who married the AP.

 

The difference is, my H *didn't* spin me all the lines mentioned above. There was no manipulation, no game playing, no extreme highs and crashing lows.

 

Any R that leaves you feeling as low as some of the OP's posts over the years reveal, is not a R that is good for you.

 

KG, please - for your own sanity, recognise that what this R is putting you through is not sustainable.

[Maison]

I don't think Kismet has been spun any lines. She's in a checkmate situation. Hell I know how that is. The only one being kept in the dark is BS although she must accept something is going on. It's obvious he loves K after all these years. I feel the same that my mm and me will never be happy or fulfilled. Kismet's mm is not fulfilled without her and maybe he would be miserable without his kids and that's a chance he's not willing to take and no one is making him. It's limbo when you are in it and it's gone this far. My Mms daughter told me after D day 3 that BS said it was his last chance (!!!) even she thought it stupid. So now we are very Lc and miserable but if he was with me I'm guessing all the family would cut him off and he'd be miserable anyway. So checkmate too) - : when you are at this end of the bridge.... It's no turning back... For anyone.

[Gloria_Smellons]

when you are at this end of the bridge.... It's no turning back... For anyone.

 

False.

 

If you only bring each other misery why bother?

 

Kismet is not happy with her situation, why should she be, but she DOES have a chance to move forward and change things.

 

I'm not saying it would be easy, or without it's own torment, but that would one day end and she would be able to fully move forward with her own life fulfilled in which ever ways she wanted it to be. If she keeps MM in her life in any capacity the torment will never end for her.

 

That's no way for anyone to live and I feel so desperately sorry for her pain.

[Maison]

It's hard to realise when you are at that point that you could be happy. Well mm seems to have accepted he's going to be unfulfilled so like Kismet I have the choice to find happiness elsewhere but like her I can't find it. I tried. So did Kismet. I know how hard it is.

[Sassy Girl]

It's hard to realise when you are at that point that you could be happy. Well mm seems to have accepted he's going to be unfulfilled so like Kismet I have the choice to find happiness elsewhere but like her I can't find it. I tried. So did Kismet. I know how hard it is.

 

Impossible when you believe your happiness comes from someone else.

[Maison]

Impossible when you believe your happiness comes from someone else.

 

Well when you love someone deeply IT DOES

[minimariah]

Well when you love someone deeply IT DOES

 

you missed the point.

 

it your entire purpose in life is based on someone else's actions & feelings and if your entire happiness in life ONLY comes from that person - you need to check yourself into counseling, ASAP.

 

your significant other can never be the sole source of your happiness but rather someone who will share your ALREADY happy life with you.

 

always learn to love yourself first and only then you can love someone else in a healthy way. to put the baggage of your entire happiness on someone else? insane.

[minimariah]

It's obvious he loves K after all these years.

 

i wonder if he loved her when he was making babies number 3 & 4 with his W.

 

people are really calling all kinds of things "love" these days.