After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[GypsumSatellite]

To the questions you asked, did his face give the answers you were looking for?

 

I'm not thrilled that you met with him, this is true. I see it as a long painful cycle back into the A. If his W is on high alert, she's doing a poor job of monitoring him considering he's carrying on communication and meeting you without her suspicions being tweaked.

 

The long hug is just a step into the physical "What can I get away with" boundary crossing. If he meets you again, he will go for the kiss. He's petting the calf to see when it'll let him feast.

[FusionCutter]

Much to everyone's chargin here, I am sure, I met him for a coffee. That's it-- no kisses. He reached for my hand once across the table. Gave me a hug that lasted more than usual. Mostly we just talked. Guess I wanted to see his face when I asked certain questions. I havent made another meeting to see him and havent really talked to him over the weekend at all. I got a text message from him saying he hoped my weekend was going well but I didn't respond.

 

Was it worth it?

[KismetGirl]

To the questions you asked, did his face give the answers you were looking for?

 

I'm not thrilled that you met with him, this is true. I see it as a long painful cycle back into the A. If his W is on high alert, she's doing a poor job of monitoring him considering he's carrying on communication and meeting you without her suspicions being tweaked.

 

The long hug is just a step into the physical "What can I get away with" boundary crossing. If he meets you again, he will go for the kiss. He's petting the calf to see when it'll let him feast.

 

Well, she's trying to monitor him. I suppose she can't see what he does 24 hours a day, but she's suspicious of nearly everything these days.

 

Yes I think it was helpful to see his face while I talk to him. I'll lie if I say there's no attraction anymore. We're both ten years older than when we met but I'd say there's still an attraction both ways. But he's not going to like, pounce on me and make out with me in a coffee shop.

 

He basically kept asking if we can stay in touch when I leave because he doesnt want to lose me from his life again, which is odd because as long as he is married I don't know how we could even be real friends. If she so much as heard my name again she'd flip out, nevermind allowing him to hang out at the same events as me or be friendly with me in ANY way.

 

Not sure what his agenda is. Seems just potential emotional masochism for both with it not going anywhere.

[anne1707]

Kismet

 

I have seen you mention an few times now about how his wife monitors him and there is always an implication of how she is wrong and controlling to do this. This is so unfair of you. The fact that he has started contact with you again is proof that she is right not to trust him. You have also said that in the past three years he tried to initiate an affair with another woman. That again shows she is right not to trust him. Please don't make it out that she is at fault for monitoring his behaviour when he is giving her good reason not to trust him.

 

Or of course he could just be telling you all this monitoring is going on just to keep your expectations low on how often and how openly he could see you. To be honest, there is nothing in this man's behaviour which suggests he will leave his wife or that, sorry, you are that special to him. This man is just after sex on the side as proved by him trying to have affairs with other women in the time when you were not seeing each other. He is not after having an affair with YOU, he is after having an affair with anybody is convenient.

[Popsicle]

Bollocks.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

 

Dont know how many of you know my lengthy history from before but suffice to say this was someone i spent five years hooking up with on and off. Many tears and frustrations. I was quite in love with him at the time, or so I thought.

 

Stopped talking three years ago at his bequest (actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

He randomly chanced onto my contact info via a work-related thing. Sent me a small message saying he's been thinking about my constantly for three years. That he's desperately wanting to talk to me again because he misses me.

 

I know the answer is "run. run screaming away from him."

 

I guess I just feel weird. My hands started shaking when I saw his name in my email box.

 

Funny how some things just come back around.

 

Predictable and flattering but don't go there again unless you can bear that pain again. I'd tell him to save it if he's still married. You've come too far in your healing to go backwards

[Popsicle]

He can divorce her weather she likes it or not.

 

 

He does not need her permission.

 

Yep.

 

The fact that he even blames it on her and acts as if it's out of his hands is a sign of what's to come.

 

(actually today I found out it was his wife that wrote me that email, from his account, asking not to contact him again but whatever)

 

I have used that line when I tried to get in contact with ex boyfriends I'd be all like I never sent a no contact goodbye break up letter to you my current boyfriend must have hacked my account t and sent that to you. That way I could keep current boyfriend happy by telling the ex to go away but then blame the current boyfriend so I could still flirt and talk to ex boyfriend. Please please don't fall for it. I am married and having an affair and this is verbatim straight from a cheaters mouth he just needs to feel desired and have his ego stroked again trust me. You need to get in contact with your therapist or whoever you've leaned on for the past three years let them know your about to fall off the wagon again just like an addict or alcoholic would. EVEN IF YOU DONT THINK YOU WOULD GET INVOLVED AGAIN. Do it anyway contact your support system because you clearly cannot control yourself when it comes to this guy you responded half dazed in the middle of the night? Please a part of you has been waiting for this moment and is pissed it took three years lol there is absolutely no legal reason why he cannot get divorced even if she doesn't agree to it he hasn't gotten divorced because he doesn't want to. Its not even because of his kids I know plenty of dads who see there kids MORE because of a divorce they aren't spending all their time at work avoiding their wives and incidently their kids they aren't miserable at home now so they actually have better relationshipd with their kids since the divorce I even know a dad who gets his kid every weekday and the mother gets the kid on weekends there is no reason why he needs to be married to her ..unless he wants to be. I am trying get over and end things with my affair partner I hope you find the strbgth to do the same

 

 

 

You nailed it about the kids. That's the truth,but unhappily married people imagine the worst of divorce and downplay or don't even see the damage they are doing to their kids and themselves by staying in an unhappy R.

Edited November 17, 2014 by Popsicle

[cif]

Maybe the MM isn't unhappy in his marriage. Having an affair does not always mean he's miserable, he could just want variety. Also, MM saying he can't imagine not going home to the "kids" after work only says one thing to me: he loves his home life.. the one his wife has built.

[Shadowburn]

Wow KismetGirl, so three years away from him were all for nothing. You haven't done any work on yourself. It was ok to have an affair with him back then, it was ok when he unceremoniously dumped you (and now lying his wife sent this last email? really?), and it's totally ok for him to show up at your door yet again, safely assuming you're been pining away for him for the last three years and it won't take much to lure you back in.

 

What is it about this man that is making him so special so you are willingly stepping back on affair roller-coaster, knowing already how it's going to end for you? He obviously didn't care much about you. Ok, his wife did send last ending email, but where had he been last three years, if he missed you so much and never wanted to end? Right, he was busy having two other affairs. Because his wife knew about you and to continue with you was too dangerous for his comfy home life that he's too afraid to mess up.

 

Can't you see how disrespectful and selfish his behavior is? But main question is - why are you allowing it? Why are toying with that whole idea of restarting with him - you think you're safe because you're leaving soon? What exactly did you gain from meeting with him - what did he tell you that you didn't know already? You really needed to see his face when he says "I am married and plan to stay married, but I don't mind to use you and have sex with you provided you won't cause me any problems"?

 

Jesus, woman. Stop making childish excuses, grow some self-respect and tell this disgusting POS to F* off.

[HBIC]

Before really digesting Kismet's posts, I suggested that coffee might not be such a big deal IF she was ready to accept that her relationship with MM was in the past. However, she expressed deep, lingering emotional ties, which led me to warn against such a meeting instead.

 

Not surprisingly, she went ahead. (I'm not judging. ExMM and I have met up.)

 

Well? I can understand the harsh reactions to her decision but in the end, sometimes old lovers like to catch up. Sometimes there is emotional unfinished business that never quite gets wrapped up neatly into an abstract "closure" package via a meeting or through NC. Human beings love and they can't always shut that off like a light switch.

 

In his own effed up way, my exMM loved me, and judging based on his actions of late, still does very much. Are we rekindling the affair when we see each other if it is a friendly meeting with no agenda to go further? There are a small handful of posters on here who have remained in contact with their exMM and it has not turned into an epic emotional disaster for either party.

 

Sometimes LS can be really negative and cast everyone's behavior in the worst possible light.

 

They had coffee. He still cares. She still cares.

 

Kismet, you can move and just let him drift into the past with detached love in your heart. Since he's not divorced, don't invest more than that.

[Poppy47]

If indeed that's what she does......

[HBIC]

If indeed that's what she does......

 

100% Agreed.

Practicing "detached love" is much easier said than done.

[jellybean89]

Kismet

 

I have seen you mention an few times now about how his wife monitors him and there is always an implication of how she is wrong and controlling to do this. This is so unfair of you. The fact that he has started contact with you again is proof that she is right not to trust him. You have also said that in the past three years he tried to initiate an affair with another woman. That again shows she is right not to trust him. Please don't make it out that she is at fault for monitoring his behaviour when he is giving her good reason not to trust him.

 

Or of course he could just be telling you all this monitoring is going on just to keep your expectations low on how often and how openly he could see you. To be honest, there is nothing in this man's behaviour which suggests he will leave his wife or that, sorry, you are that special to him. This man is just after sex on the side as proved by him trying to have affairs with other women in the time when you were not seeing each other. He is not after having an affair with YOU, he is after having an affair with anybody is convenient.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Kismet's 'disgust' or 'condemnation' of the wife for daring to monitor the cheating b@astard shows loud and clear through her posts. I would be willing to bed my yearly salary that her name is never mentioned at his home; but MM wants her to think that...to pull her in and get her where he wants her. We can all see if happening right in front of our eyes; but Kismet can't seem to see the same thing. She is definitely already back into the emotional affair. I do find it kinda funny that as usual, the MM blows up her phone Monday through Friday from 9 am to 5 pm; but come nights and weekends....silence, except for the occasional text from the bathroom or while the wife is in the shower. It really is sad how quickly she fell right back into things with him as if the 3 years didn't even matter.

 

I feel sorry for you Kismet, that you are needing the validation from a man in order to feel good and that you will lower your standards again for this piece of crap.

[Lurkeraspect]

Kismet,

 

I truly hope you go back (like I did) and read all your previous threads. This man isn't your friend, nor should he be the gold standard of any sort of significant...anything. He treated you horribly. You've had your coffee date, caught up, now hopefully you can bid farewell again. Please don't think this is a new chapter in a happy ever after for you. He's toxic. He will only suck you back in if you allow it.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet

 

I have seen you mention an few times now about how his wife monitors him and there is always an implication of how she is wrong and controlling to do this. This is so unfair of you. The fact that he has started contact with you again is proof that she is right not to trust him. You have also said that in the past three years he tried to initiate an affair with another woman. That again shows she is right not to trust him. Please don't make it out that she is at fault for monitoring his behaviour when he is giving her good reason not to trust him.

 

Or of course he could just be telling you all this monitoring is going on just to keep your expectations low on how often and how openly he could see you. To be honest, there is nothing in this man's behaviour which suggests he will leave his wife or that, sorry, you are that special to him. This man is just after sex on the side as proved by him trying to have affairs with other women in the time when you were not seeing each other. He is not after having an affair with YOU, he is after having an affair with anybody is convenient.

 

Im not sure where anyone got the impression I have disgust of any kind that she is monitoring him-- i think its quite natural that she does so. If i were in her position I'd be suspicious of everything too.

 

I am quite sure she still mentions me. She accidentally "liked" something I posted on social media quite recently before blocking me again. In that vein it seems she still monitors my whereabouts as well. (we have mutual friends)

 

Regardless I have nothing against her so Im not sure where you got that impression.

 

I highly doubt he was trying to get in touch with me again because it was "convenient" considering, as far as he knew, when he got in touch with me I was living on the other side of the planet. You guys need to read a bit closer. I'm only in town a couple months visiting.

 

For the last three years Ive lived overseas, which he well knows. He got in touch with me because, shocker, he actually likes me and wanted to talk to me and missed me. If his intention was to start a trans-atlantic communication to f**k me from half a planet away then he is more motivated than I thought. *sarcasm*

[KismetGirl]

Predictable and flattering but don't go there again unless you can bear that pain again. I'd tell him to save it if he's still married. You've come too far in your healing to go backwards

 

Trying not to go backwards. Just havent thought this much about him in a while. Im leaving again soon. Just bothers me that he's one of the few "exes" ive had in my life who still gets in my head so easily after all this time.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet,

 

I truly hope you go back (like I did) and read all your previous threads. This man isn't your friend, nor should he be the gold standard of any sort of significant...anything. He treated you horribly. You've had your coffee date, caught up, now hopefully you can bid farewell again. Please don't think this is a new chapter in a happy ever after for you. He's toxic. He will only suck you back in if you allow it.

 

I dont think its a new chapter for anything.

 

He called me today to "fess up" that part of the reason he's unhappy is because he was really thinking a lot about divorce the last year. However, a month ago his wife told him she is pregnant again. With their fourth child. And not he feels more "stuck". Gave me a song and dance about how he feels like it's all unreal and to please believe he didnt want this to happen but that I had been gone for so long and he'd been trying to work on his marriage and part of that involved some ongoing sex with his wife. Whatever, I could barely listen to him.

 

I flipped out on the phone, told him he's a selfish pr*ck, that a 7th grade child knows how babies are made and if he didnt want any more with her he shouldnt have kept f**king her to make one.

 

And here we are. Despite not really being "involved" with him anymore , I must admit, I feel a bit heartbroken. maybe it's just the deja vu of the last two times I found out his wife was pregnant, even though its been at least 7 years since the last one.

 

I have to say I didn't think it would bother be so much at this point.

 

Odd.

[KismetGirl]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Kismet's 'disgust' or 'condemnation' of the wife for daring to monitor the cheating b@astard shows loud and clear through her posts. I would be willing to bed my yearly salary that her name is never mentioned at his home; but MM wants her to think that...to pull her in and get her where he wants her. We can all see if happening right in front of our eyes; but Kismet can't seem to see the same thing. She is definitely already back into the emotional affair. I do find it kinda funny that as usual, the MM blows up her phone Monday through Friday from 9 am to 5 pm; but come nights and weekends....silence, except for the occasional text from the bathroom or while the wife is in the shower. It really is sad how quickly she fell right back into things with him as if the 3 years didn't even matter.

 

I feel sorry for you Kismet, that you are needing the validation from a man in order to feel good and that you will lower your standards again for this piece of crap.

 

Again I have no idea where you people are getting the idea I have any digust at her monitoring him. It's the last thing on my mind and I could care less that she brings me up, which to be frank, Im sure she does because after years of knowing he keeps ongoing contact with me I'm sure she's suspicious he's still doing it, and as of a week ago again she's right though the last three years I really didnt talk to him.

 

Ad nauseum, but I'll say it again, for the millionth time-- i have nothing against his wife, never have, never will. She's done nothing to me. Never met the woman in person.

[KismetGirl]

I sat outside in the rain tonight, no umbrella. Just sat letting the cold water go over my face. Stared blankly ahead for i don't know how long. Probably looked like a crazy person just sitting there. I hate how he has this effect on me. I hate that I ever fell in love with him. I hate him for being a selfish ass**le. I hate him for staying married if he's so unhappy instead of divorcing years ago. I hate him for finding me again for no good effing reason. I dont know what to say or think anymore. I just feel sad right now.

[FusionCutter]

I sat outside in the rain tonight, no umbrella. Just sat letting the cold water go over my face. Stared blankly ahead for i don't know how long. Probably looked like a crazy person just sitting there. I hate how he has this effect on me. I hate that I ever fell in love with him. I hate him for being a selfish ass**le. I hate him for staying married if he's so unhappy instead of divorcing years ago. I hate him for finding me again for no good effing reason. I dont know what to say or think anymore. I just feel sad right now.

 

I read through every single post you have ever written since 2008. This post might be the most emotionally honest post you have ever written.

[cif]

I dont think its a new chapter for anything.

 

He called me today to "fess up" that part of the reason he's unhappy is because he was really thinking a lot about divorce the last year. However, a month ago his wife told him she is pregnant again. With their fourth child. And not he feels more "stuck". Gave me a song and dance about how he feels like it's all unreal and to please believe he didnt want this to happen but that I had been gone for so long and he'd been trying to work on his marriage and part of that involved some ongoing sex with his wife. Whatever, I could barely listen to him.

 

I flipped out on the phone, told him he's a selfish pr*ck, that a 7th grade child knows how babies are made and if he didnt want any more with her he shouldnt have kept f**king her to make one.

 

And here we are. Despite not really being "involved" with him anymore , I must admit, I feel a bit heartbroken. maybe it's just the deja vu of the last two times I found out his wife was pregnant, even though its been at least 7 years since the last one.

 

I have to say I didn't think it would bother be so much at this point.

 

Odd.

 

WTH would he tell you this? He knows you're leaving soon, it's not like you'll run into his wife's belly on the street. He's an idiot for getting her pregnant.. guess he's there for another 18 years. Oh well.

[whichwayisup]

Trying not to go backwards. Just havent thought this much about him in a while. Im leaving again soon. Just bothers me that he's one of the few "exes" ive had in my life who still gets in my head so easily after all this time.

 

And he knows this too. Just never forget how he treated you in the past, how much he hurt you.

 

He isn't just some "ex" from the past, exAP's are different than regular ex's. Affairs are not like regular healthy relationships. Most people are able to move on and forget (and get rid of) feelings for an ex but with exAP's, I find most on here never really get that person out of their heart.

[whichwayisup]

I dont think its a new chapter for anything.

 

He called me today to "fess up" that part of the reason he's unhappy is because he was really thinking a lot about divorce the last year. However, a month ago his wife told him she is pregnant again. With their fourth child. And not he feels more "stuck". Gave me a song and dance about how he feels like it's all unreal and to please believe he didnt want this to happen but that I had been gone for so long and he'd been trying to work on his marriage and part of that involved some ongoing sex with his wife. Whatever, I could barely listen to him.

 

Now you see he hasn't changed and his 'awful marriage' isn't half as bad. Seems he wanted someone on the side while his wife is pregnant again. didn't he have an A with you when his wife was pregnant last time?

 

GLAD you're pissed, you should be. He OMITTED that 'truth' from you when he first contacted you. What an idiot. Cut him out of your life now. I'm sorry that you trusted him and let him back into your heart again.

I flipped out on the phone, told him he's a selfish pr*ck, that a 7th grade child knows how babies are made and if he didnt want any more with her he shouldnt have kept f**king her to make one.

Exactly. If he was so unhappy, he wouldn't 1)be having sex with her and 2)getting her pregnant.

 

And here we are. Despite not really being "involved" with him anymore , I must admit, I feel a bit heartbroken. maybe it's just the deja vu of the last two times I found out his wife was pregnant, even though its been at least 7 years since the last one.

 

I have to say I didn't think it would bother be so much at this point.

 

IT is bothersome because your kind forgiving heart gave him another chance. It's bothersome because you trusted him and he let you down, again. Let him go now Kismet. This man is pretending to be someone he isn't and this person you *think* he is, doesn't exist - It's a farce. He knows exactly what he's doing.

[whichwayisup]

I sat outside in the rain tonight, no umbrella. Just sat letting the cold water go over my face. Stared blankly ahead for i don't know how long. Probably looked like a crazy person just sitting there. I hate how he has this effect on me. I hate that I ever fell in love with him. I hate him for being a selfish ass**le. I hate him for staying married if he's so unhappy instead of divorcing years ago. I hate him for finding me again for no good effing reason. I dont know what to say or think anymore. I just feel sad right now.

 

He isn't as unhappy as he's led you to believe. That's a fact. People who are having major marital issues don't go and have another baby. People who want a divorce, don't get pregnant again. You only know what he's told you and that 'truth' is skewed to put him in the best possible light in your eyes.

 

I don't like that you're hurting again but you can use this pain to close the door on him once and for all. When you move, make it impossible for him to contact you. This is NOT a healthy situation for you to be in, it's damaging and causing you pain again. A person that can inflict so much pain like this on another human being - YOU GOT TO RUN away from him. Move and don't look back.

[Tayla]

WTH would he tell you this? He knows you're leaving soon, it's not like you'll run into his wife's belly on the street. He's an idiot for getting her pregnant.. guess he's there for another 18 years. Oh well.

 

married folks are idiots for having children? or since he is a gent who stepped outside his legal marriage he gave up the right to reproduce? Where is that written ? The OP is a former OM. She doesn't wear that label in the present tense. She's protested enough on that level. Time for her to move out of the flashback emotions. She deserves the opportunity to grow away from an unhealthy scenario.

[whichwayisup]

WTH would he tell you this? He knows you're leaving soon, it's not like you'll run into his wife's belly on the street. He's an idiot for getting her pregnant.. guess he's there for another 18 years. Oh well.

 

Why is he an idiot? All this proves is, he's been LYING to Kismet again about the status of his marriage. It isn't as bad as he's made it out to be. He is exactly where he wants to be. Married with children with another on the way. The guy wants someone on the side to fulfill his needs while his wife is pregnant and busy with the baby once it's born. He is selfish, cruel and manipulative.