Always trusted him until he put doubt in my mind

[IceIceBaby]

Some of you may know the issues I've had with my boyfriend. If not, feel free to go back at past threads I've started. But they shouldn't be too relevant here.

 

Basically, my problem is that I'm not sure I trust my boyfriend anymore. I always did for the first part of our relationship. But about a month ago, he told me during a conversation that if drunk enough he might let a stripper do things to him. I made it very clear that comment bothered me, and I kept telling him all he had to do was tell me he wouldn't cheat on me and I would get over it. But he would not tell me that and didn't apologize until three days later. And by then it just wasn't the same, and he still had not said he wouldn't cheat on me. He just said that if he did cheat on me, he would be "man enough" to admit it and walk away. So there's number one that put doubt in my mind.

 

Then the other day, he's telling me how his ex IM'd him. I know she wants him back, hence the reason she calls all the time, IM's all the time, etc. So I told him she was doing it to get him back. His response was "Hhhmm, I don't know...I don't think that would work. I'm not sure..." Once again, I was wondering why he would say something like that.

 

So a couple days after that, he asked me why other women are such a threat to me. I told him they weren't until he put doubt in my mind. He said he knew who gave a **** about him and who didn't. I'm a trusting person and as of a month ago, I would have told you there was no way in hell my boyfriend would cheat on me. And now I find myself doubting him and wondering when he talks about other girls. It makes me crazy because I'm never like this. I never was that way with him. He told me 6 months ago when his ex was at it again that I had nothing to worry about and he knew where the right person was, meaning me. But now, he's saying these random things that make me think otherwise. How do I deal with all this? I hate wondering things and not trusting him!

[d'Arthez]

The problem is, he has put these doubts in your mind, and he thinks he is strong enough to resist these temptations. Temptations, which he has admitted to be weak enough to not to resist them.

It's a very contradictory set of positions he holds, and naturally it drives you crazy.

 

As long as he does not see the problems he is causing you, there is little you can do to improve the situation. It's a well-known problem for people with problems like your bf. Don't blame yourself if you can't handle all his problems. They are his problems first and foremost, and he should not burden you in this unreasonable fashion, with them.

 

So either you must make him realize he has some problems, and make him do something about them, or if he is unwilling to address them, just wait and wonder if and when it goes wrong. Or even break up, if you don't want to handle all his problems. Remember you are not obliged in any way to be the suffering person in a relationship, because of his problems.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by IceIceBaby

 

 

Then the other day, he's telling me how his ex IM'd him. I know she wants him back, hence the reason she calls all the time, IM's all the time, etc. So I told him she was doing it to get him back. His response was "Hhhmm, I don't know...I don't think that would work. I'm not sure..." Once again, I was wondering why he would say something like that.

 

 

um, ew.

 

what a creep.

[IceIceBaby]

Once again, the always helpful D'Arthez

 

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately I guess I just have to hope he doesn't cheat or isn't presented with the opportunity. It's horrible, I go back and forth on what I think he would do in that situation. My gut says he wouldn't because I know deep down he thinks the world of me. But I just wish he'd never said those things to me because it's changed me and made me think and feel things I never have before.

[d'Arthez]

IceIceBaby, I sent you a PM three weeks ago. You might still want to read it.

 

Don't wait on him to cheat on you. You will be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt, which can be prevented. If he is not seeking treatment for his problems, and makes these weird remarks, it is sadly not a matter of IF, but a matter of WHEN.

 

If he is affecting you in a negative way, that is a big warning sign. Of course, everybody has troubles, even in relationships. But the affect your SO, in such a negative way by your own comments as your bf does, is something very worrisome.

[Girlie]

I would encourage you not to suffer through this, but it's ultimately your decision. If he can't even tell you that he would be faithful to you, what kind of relationship are you going to have with him? It could be that he just wants you to be jealous because that makes him feel good. I've seen that happen before, and that is something to consider. But I think you really need to sit down and think about whether this is the kind of relationship you want. Do you want to never feel secure? Because it doesn't have to be that way. There are plenty of men out there who are not only capable of being faithful but who know how to make a woman feel secure. You deserve that, and if you don't get some security, the relationship will most likely ultimately fail. I know you probably love the guy, and think there's no one else you'd want to be with. But I've been there, and eventually have to move on because I could never trust the guy. And I did fall in love again.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide, and again, take some time and think things over.

[Hund1976]

But about a month ago, he told me during a conversation that if drunk enough he might let a stripper do things to him

That's total BS, who says this to their girlfriend. Tell him "your obviously not capable of a relationship since you couldn't stop yourself from cheating so you probably should be single at this point in your life" and leave, don't take that crap.