Is he never going to propose?

[greenemerald]

Hi,

 

I'm turning 27 in three months and I've been with my boyfriend (who's 30) for the last two years (well, 2 years and 3 months).

We've been living together for a while as well and two months ago he asked me if I wanna buy a house with him. We're moving to another city together in three months because of his job (I work self-employed so that won't be a problem for me) and we recently found a house we want to buy. We also have been talking about the future, that we both want kids in a few years, even talked about what school we could send them too etc.

 

So all in all, I feel like he wants to spend his life with me, but on the other hand- Why isn't he proposing? What is he waiting for? After more than two years, I'm getting worried that he will never propose. I don't mind waiting another year, but I'm in serious doubt that he will propose to me in the next year. He's 30 already, so the argument that he's too young to get married doesn't apply IMO. More than two years of relationship should also be enough I guess. And if that counts, he doesn't make more money than me, so he also shouldn't be scared he'll loose money in case of a divorce or so.

 

The reason why I never really talked about marriage with him is because in the beginning I was always sure he'd want to get married eventually, because he's from a Latin family (tradition), most of his friends are already married etc. Plus I always thought he should be the one to bring it up. I told him once that I wanna get married one day, so he knows that I do. He didn't tell me what he wants. And the reason why now I doubt more than before is because unlike him I need a visa to live here, which I have to renew this month. He said next time I'll need a visa (which will be in 1-2 years) we should try to get my visa through the house we're gonna buy, which will be easier probably (that's what he says). For me that means: You're not gonna get the visa in the next 1-2 years through marriage with me.

 

What do you guys think? What should I do? Is he never going to propose? I don't wanna push him into something but I also don't wanna wait forever.

 

 

Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

Unless you are doing it as a business investment & have an exit strategy to buy each other out, do not buy a house with someone you are not married to.

 

If you are willing to do all these things -- live with him, move for him, consider purchasing real estate together -- it seems he should be willing to have a conversation about marriage. You may have to bring it up. It will help you make decisions about what to do next.

[preraph]

Why are you going along with these discussions? It's not what you want. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not about to buy a house OR have kids with someone you're not married to! Have some standards and make sure he knows what they are. That is not the same as proposing. You just tell him that's for married people and you're not like that.

[SJS]

Why don't you propose to him? (if you know he wouldn't be completely insulted by it)

[greenemerald]

I mean he should know that marriage is important to me since I told him a while ago. He's not religious which I see as another reason why he might not see any sense in getting married. But then again, neither am I (religious) and I don't wanna get married in church or even have a huge party, but for me it's just a commitment I need.

 

I actually wouldn't mind buying a house with him before getting married, but only if I know that we will get to that point sooner than later. Kids before marriage no way.

 

I don't wanna propose to him because in this point I still have an old fashioned way of thinking- For me the man has to do it. Also, he's from a Latin family and the culture generally is more macho, so I don't think it would be a good idea.

 

I'm just worried that after more than two years of relationship (and he's 30, not a kid anymore!) he should already know if he wants to marry me or not..

[mammasita]

I mean he should know that marriage is important to me since I told him a while ago. He's not religious which I see as another reason why he might not see any sense in getting married. But then again, neither am I (religious) and I don't wanna get married in church or even have a huge party, but for me it's just a commitment I need.

 

I actually wouldn't mind buying a house with him before getting married, but only if I know that we will get to that point sooner than later. Kids before marriage no way.

 

I don't wanna propose to him because in this point I still have an old fashioned way of thinking- For me the man has to do it. Also, he's from a Latin family and the culture generally is more macho, so I don't think it would be a good idea.

 

I'm just worried that after more than two years of relationship (and he's 30, not a kid anymore!) he should already know if he wants to marry me or not..

 

You buy a house with this man before being married, I can pretty much guarantee he will NEVER marry you. Why would he? He doesn't have to, he has everything without the title.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hi,

 

I'm turning 27 in three months and I've been with my boyfriend (who's 30) for the last two years (well, 2 years and 3 months).

We've been living together for a while as well and two months ago he asked me if I wanna buy a house with him. We're moving to another city together in three months because of his job (I work self-employed so that won't be a problem for me) and we recently found a house we want to buy. We also have been talking about the future, that we both want kids in a few years, even talked about what school we could send them too etc.

 

So all in all, I feel like he wants to spend his life with me, but on the other hand- Why isn't he proposing? What is he waiting for? After more than two years, I'm getting worried that he will never propose. I don't mind waiting another year, but I'm in serious doubt that he will propose to me in the next year. He's 30 already, so the argument that he's too young to get married doesn't apply IMO. More than two years of relationship should also be enough I guess. And if that counts, he doesn't make more money than me, so he also shouldn't be scared he'll loose money in case of a divorce or so.

 

The reason why I never really talked about marriage with him is because in the beginning I was always sure he'd want to get married eventually, because he's from a Latin family (tradition), most of his friends are already married etc. Plus I always thought he should be the one to bring it up. I told him once that I wanna get married one day, so he knows that I do. He didn't tell me what he wants. And the reason why now I doubt more than before is because unlike him I need a visa to live here, which I have to renew this month. He said next time I'll need a visa (which will be in 1-2 years) we should try to get my visa through the house we're gonna buy, which will be easier probably (that's what he says). For me that means: You're not gonna get the visa in the next 1-2 years through marriage with me.

 

What do you guys think? What should I do? Is he never going to propose? I don't wanna push him into something but I also don't wanna wait forever.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Honestly, this is your first and biggest mistake. If we're going to talk about age and maturity in terms of marriage then I'm going to ask you to take a closer look at how you've handled this.

 

Personally, it doesn't appear to be a very mature move on your part which might be the reason why this guy is moving at a snails pace.

 

One thing I've learned in my 45 years is that women, regardless of our age, need to STOP assuming our men can read our minds! It doesn't help that Hollywood has portrayed male romantic leads as these super-human romantics who instinctively KNOW our every wish and desire and need and want. Reality isn't a novel or movie.

 

If you want something, let it be known. How can you be with someone for two years and NOT have had the marriage talk if that is what YOU wanted all along? You can't fault your man if you didn't make it crystal clear that you want to be married to HIM someday.

 

Assuming is NOT the same as asking.

 

As far as I can see, you have two choices; sit him down and have the "talk" about what you want from this relationship (aka marriage) OR stop sitting on the sidelines pouting that he hasn't proposed yet and enjoy what you have together as is.

 

You're a grown woman who is in control of her own life and ultimately her own happiness. Stop putting someone else in charge of it.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Cynicalme]

He doesn't propose because he's already got the wife without the inconvenience of the marriage license.

[newmoon]

you have already made so many mistakes it's hard to pinpoint a specific thing. you moved in without a proposal/engagement (huge mistake), you're moving for him - still with no proposal/engagement, you're contemplating purchasing a home with him (HUGE error), and you're still interested in waiting another year for a proposal? do you really think a guy needs that long to figure out if he wants you or not? just wait until you move for him and get dumped in a new city with no family and friends around. unless you've got a ring i wouldn't even move with the guy. what kind of life do you have for yourself if your decisions are based on him alone? you should have these conversations about marriage and expectations much earlier and this is what happens when you don't. you better ask for what you want quick. he has ZERO incentive to marry you chica.

[juicygirl]

Why the hell would you buy a house with someone you are not married to? Crazy idea and huge mistake.

 

Honestly, it's probably your fault because you didn't make it clear to him in the beginning that marriage is important to you. You said you assumed he wanted it, never assume.

 

It's been two years, I'd said don't waste the pretty. The problem is his got no incentive to get married, his giving all the benefits of marriage without being married to you. Tell him you want to get married, and if he ifs and buts or says one day, move out. If he wants to be with you he'll come with a plan or a ring. If he doesn't, then you've saved yourself from wasting 5 years. Please don't be one of those women waiting 7 years for a ring, you shouldn't have to drag him down the aisle.

[ASG]

I don't agree with the others that you shouldn't buy a house/move in/ have kids/whatever if you're not married... (because honestly, being married changes nothing and in most countries, after a few years you're in a de facto union anyway).

People aren't less committed just because they haven't signed a paper.

 

But why the hell have you not talked to him about wanting to get married? Just straight up tell him "I wanna get married. Lets get married". Why haven't you done this as opposed to asking US if he's ever gonna propose? I don't get it...

Edited November 10, 2014 by ASG

[Keenly]

You never really mentioned that you wanted to marry HIM, just that you want to get married.

 

 

If you see where I'm going with that.

[greenemerald]

Sorry for the delay, I was quite busy during the last couple of days.

 

I'm not someone who believes that you shouldn't live together before marriage. I never believed that. I also know tons of married couples who lived together before they got married (my parents included, who have been married for 31 years). I also wouldn't mind buying a house before being married IF marriage is the direction where it will go in the future. We haven't bought a house yet, we just started looking and found something we liked. And by the way, I also know at least 5 married couples who bought a house/apt together before getting married. I just don't believe in this 'Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free' stuff. This might apply to many men, but also to many it doesn't. Regarding my boyfriend, I'm rather worried that he just doesn't want to get married in general.

I would never get pregnant before being married, that's the only thing I really don't want.

 

 

And well,we have talked about marriage, once. More than a year ago. I told him I wanna get married in the future (not saying 'I wanna marry you'- I thought it was too soon at that point), so he he should know that I do wanna get married (unless he forgot what I said). He didn't really say anything to it, didn't say if he wants to get married too.

 

 

I don't know why, but it's so incredibly hard for me now to talk to him about it. I feel like I don't have problems to talk about anything with him, if it's sex, money, worries, family, even having kids and what school we could send them to, whatever... but the marriage thing just cannot leave my lips it seems. I wanted to talk to him about it yesterday, but somehow I couldn't. I didn't know how to start. I was thinking 'Doesn't it sound extremely ridiculous if I say now 'Oh by the way, I was going to ask you, what do you think about us getting married in the next two years?''.

I wish he would bring it up himself, but since he doesn't I knowI'll have to.. but I just don't know how. God I dunno why it seems so hard for me.

[veggirl]

I don't agree with the others that you shouldn't buy a house/move in/ have kids/whatever if you're not married... (because honestly, being married changes nothing and in most countries, after a few years you're in a de facto union anyway).

People aren't less committed just because they haven't signed a paper.

 

But why the hell have you not talked to him about wanting to get married? Just straight up tell him "I wanna get married. Lets get married". Why haven't you done this as opposed to asking US if he's ever gonna propose? I don't get it...

 

Wrong. In the US common law marriages are only recognized in 9 states.

 

OP if you want something you need to bring it up. You are scared of how he'll react to the idea of marriage I take it. Why?

[greenemerald]

You never really mentioned that you wanted to marry HIM, just that you want to get married.

 

 

If you see where I'm going with that.

 

 

To be honest, I don't. Of course I wanna marry HIM. I had boyfriends before and I honestly never had the feeling that I really wanna marry them. With him I do. And no, it's not about the wedding- I don't even want or need a big wedding.

[ASG]

Wrong. In the US common law marriages are only recognized in 9 states.

 

OP if you want something you need to bring it up. You are scared of how he'll react to the idea of marriage I take it. Why?

 

Er... yeah, you forgot the bit where I said "In most countries", not EVERYWHERE. So it's not wrong. It's just not completely universal.

 

In any case, OP, just bring it up with him. You HAVE to! He's not a mind reader. Don't consume yourself trying to guess what he's thinking. Chances are he hasn't even thought about it, not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't think it's important.

 

So you have to bring it up.

[juicygirl]

The reason it's a bad move to buy a house together is because in this situation you guys have no idea what direction you are going in. You may have 5 friends who brought houses before marriage, but maybe they already talked about marriage or just got lucky. If I was you I wouldn't hold out on getting lucky.

 

The reason you're scared to talk to him is because you're scared he won't want to get married and end the relationship all together. Only to marry another girl 1 year later.

 

You need to talk to him. What if he decides marriage isn't for him? Are you going to be o.k with just playing house? And what happens if he tells you this after you signed on the dotted line for the house? You'll be stuck in a situation you don't want.

 

You might be surprised, he maybe thinking marriage is on the cards in the future. If he doesn't want to get married, you'll be heartbroken for a while, but you'll move on and would've dodged a bullet.

[Zahara]

And by the way, I also know at least 5 married couples who bought a house/apt together before getting married.

 

Don't compare your situation to others and make life changing decisions based on exceptions. It's shortsighted and it's foolish. It would be best to focus on the rule. Just because others have done it and have been successful, it may not guarantee the same results for you.

 

I also wouldn't mind buying a house before being married IF marriage is the direction where it will go in the future.

 

Then discuss it first before you purchase a home together.

 

I don't know why, but it's so incredibly hard for me now to talk to him about it.... but the marriage thing just cannot leave my lips it seems.

 

Maybe deep down inside you know it's something he doesn't want and you're afraid to approach in fear of what you might hear.

 

Use the purchase of the home to bring it up. "Honey, purchasing a home is a huge long term commitment. Before I take that step, I just want to make sure we're both on the same page in that we see ourselves being married to each other in the near future before. How do you feel about it?"

 

You've been together for over two years, are living together, moving to a new city and having the intent of buying a home -- there's nothing wrong with making sure you both are headed in the right direction.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Zahara

[greenemerald]

 

 

Maybe deep down inside you know it's something he doesn't want and you're afraid to approach in fear of what you might hear.

 

Use the purchase of the home to bring it up. "Honey, purchasing a home is a huge long term commitment. Before I take that step, I just want to make sure we're both on the same page in that we see ourselves being married to each other in the near future before. How do you feel about it?"

 

You've been together for over two years, are living together, moving to a new city and having the intent of buying a home -- there's nothing wrong with making sure you both are headed in the right direction.

 

 

 

No, I don't KNOW that it is something he doesn't want. But I am definitely scared that it is something that he doesn't want. I guess that's why it is so hard for me to bring it up- I'm scared of his answer.

 

Thank you, I think I will bring it up with the purchase of the house as you said- It will probably still be hard for me but I know I have to do it or I'm driving myself nuts about it.

[Zahara]

No, I don't KNOW that it is something he doesn't want. But I am definitely scared that it is something that he doesn't want. I guess that's why it is so hard for me to bring it up- I'm scared of his answer.

 

In past relationships, whenever I was fearful of bringing something up, it was because deep down inside I had doubts, and it was because there were little tell tale signs that caused me to start breeding those doubts.

 

Scared of his answer shouldn't stop you from asking. What you should be more fearful off is existing in a relationship that will be indefinitely unfulfilling for you.

[CrystalCastles]

You never really mentioned that you wanted to marry HIM, just that you want to get married.

 

 

If you see where I'm going with that.

 

What the heck is that? Who else is she supposed to marry? Frank the neighbor? Joe across the street? Obviously her boyfriend!

 

Your posts always defend the guy, whether he is in the wrong or not, whether he actually needs defending or not. Why?

 

Marriage is about two people. Its not only about what he wants or doesn't want.

 

OP, have you actually asked your boyfriend these things? Do you know for sure what he wants? Does he know you want marriage?

[greenemerald]

OP, have you actually asked your boyfriend these things? Do you know for sure what he wants? Does he know you want marriage?

 

I'm pretty sure he knows, because I mentioned it to him a while ago (like one year into our relationship). So he should know, unless he forgot about it which is unlikely I guess. But I never really heard his opinion about it and he never brought it up again (which makes me worry he really isn't interested in marriage, just in kids and living together, since he brought up both).

[greenemerald]

Oh and I just remembered another thing- Most of my boyfriend's friends are already married and sometimes when we're hanging out with them they're making comments (to tease us) like 'Maybe my company can organise your wedding when you're getting married' or 'Where would you two like to get married?'... I always laugh because I hope my boyfriend will say something (since they're his friends, not mine), but he also always just laughs and doesn't say anything at all.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think there is your answer. If you're even afraid to approach the topic about marriage to him that should be enough to reconsider the relationship. The reason you feel this way is because deep inside (whether you're aware or not) you probably perceive that he doesn't want marriage.

 

Several signs of that by what you've just mentioned:

1) He never wants to bring the topic even when you mentioned it last year

2) He laughs but says nothing when it's obvious what his friends were saying

3) He wants you to move in

4) You still don't know what his overall opinion about marriage is

[Zapbasket]

Not sure where you are from, but where I am from, and in my life experience, 30 and 27 are not necessarily "marriage" ages. It's not that they AREN'T; it's that a lot of people, men and women, are still not ready for marriage at that age. It's entirely conceivable that both of you have several more relationships ahead of you before settling down.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I mean it as encouragement. I hope it gives you freedom to look at this relationship a little more objectively.

 

First of all: are you SURE you want to be married to him? Think hard about this. Sometimes we can get so focused on getting the other person to take the lead in moving the relationship forward that we forget to ask ourselves whether this is truly what we want.

 

Secondly: Bottom line, it's not a good sign that he's so reluctant to discuss this with you. But I give him benefit of the doubt because as other posters have pointed out, you haven't exactly been clear with him about your frustration and where you want this relationship to go.

 

So your task is to sit him down and lay out exactly what you want. Marriage, and at least engagement before you move with him and buy a house together. You clearly feel that two years is more than enough time to be certain whether both of you want to marry each other. And, if he has reservations, you want to know what they are and you want to decide, together, whether these are things you can work on together, or whether these are deal-breakers for him. Tell him that these things are so important to you that you will have no choice but to terminate the relationship if he can't show concrete effort forward in the direction you describe to him.

 

And then: you wait. See what he does. If he wakes up and starts talking seriously with you about the future, and his reservations, if any, then that's a great sign. But if he tells you what you want to hear and then does nothing, and nothing, and nothing, dear, that is your answer. That is your cue to exit the relationship.

 

When a person is ready, she or he will not delay in planning a future with you. If there is always inertia and excuses around the subject of marriage, you have no choice but to walk because anything else is untrue to you. Not only that--and believe me, I speak from too much experience in this area of inert men--it's plain-out DAMAGING.