Is he never going to propose?

[d0nnivain]

I mean he should know that marriage is important to me since I told him a while ago.

 

This is half your problem. On some levels you are expecting him to be a mind reader. I would assume he wasn't listening when you told him "a while" ago that marriage is important to you. It was a theoretical conversation then. Now when you are talking about making what is for many people the single largest investment in their lives -- buying a house -- it's a much more concrete conversation. Have it before you sign a contract to buy a house & take on a mortgage.

[greenemerald]

Thank you for your long answer. I wanna answer some of the points:

 

 

Not sure where you are from, but where I am from, and in my life experience, 30 and 27 are not necessarily "marriage" ages. It's not that they AREN'T; it's that a lot of people, men and women, are still not ready for marriage at that age. It's entirely conceivable that both of you have several more relationships ahead of you before settling down.

 

I'm from a Western European country, he's from a Latin America country. The average age of getting married in my country is around 30, in his country (where we live) I don't know. People usually tend to think that people from Latin countries get married at a very young age, but that's not really true. The more educated people here get married in their late 20ies/early 30ies I would say.

 

 

 

First of all: are you SURE you want to be married to him? Think hard about this. Sometimes we can get so focused on getting the other person to take the lead in moving the relationship forward that we forget to ask ourselves whether this is truly what we want.

 

Yes, I'm sure. We have zero problems in the relationship, except of the thing we've been talking about in this thread (me not sure if he wants to get married). Our relationship is wonderful, we get along very well, there is a lot of love and I feel like I can talk about anything with him (yet again, except of the marriage thing).

 

 

You clearly feel that two years is more than enough time to be certain whether both of you want to marry each other.

 

Well, sometimes I'm not sure about that. Sometimes I'm worried that two years might not be enough- For him, not for me. For me it is enough, but I know that there are people out there who would say two years is not enough. I don't know how he feels about that. But yes, that's a thing I should discuss with him.

 

 

When a person is ready, she or he will not delay in planning a future with you. If there is always inertia and excuses around the subject of marriage, you have no choice but to walk because anything else is untrue to you. Not only that--and believe me, I speak from too much experience in this area of inert men--it's plain-out DAMAGING.

 

The thing is, I wouldn't say he's delaying future talk with me. In fact, he talks often about the future. HE was the one who asked me to move in. HE was the one who asked me to move to another city with him and buy a house. HE was the one who started talking about kids and even started the discussion to what school we could send the kids. I don't think at this point that he doesn't want a future with me. My worry is rather that marriage is just not a part of his future planings because he has never mentioned it. There are people in this world who want kids and everything, but no marriage because they just don't believe in it. I'm afraid he might be one of them. And I'm afraid to find out, because I do want marriage. But you're right, I have to sit him down and talk about it.

[Zapbasket]

If there weren't the issue of moving and buying a house together, would you be so eager to tie the knot now, or would you be amenable to waiting a few more years?

 

(This in response to your comment that two years is enough for you to know whether you want to marry him, but possibly not for him.)

[greenemerald]

Yesterday I finally talked to him about it. It was easy for me because we were having dinner and HE brought up the topic of the kids again, asking me when I want to have kids. I said maybe in 3-4 years,, he agreed.

I then asked him about the marriage thing.

 

He first asked me if I wanna have a big ceremony with church and everything because that's not what he wants. I said no, I don't wanna get married in church because I'm not religious. He said that if I want to get married we can get married. I said 'But I don't want to if you don't want to'. He said he's already committed to me and for him it's already like we're married, we buy a house together, have kids etc. so he does't really need it. But he repeated, if you wanna get married okay. Then I asked when he would want to get married and he said he doesn't know. That was basically it.

 

I'm not very happy about it. Of course I was prepared to hear something like this but I really hoped he would want to get married too and not just 'If I want to'. So now he knows that I wanna get married, but I don't know if he will ever propose to me (and when) or if he will just wait until I bring it up one day..

[dragon_fly_7]

There is your answer and I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship. If this isn't the type of commitment you want and he himself isn't feeling as excited about wanting to get married as you are, you're now free to walk away before living with him and bringing kids into this.

 

I wouldn't be happy with an ''Only if you want'' reply either. I wouldn't accept a proposal like that because it would be basically telling me that marriage was only my idea and it's like I were proposing to myself.

 

If you're careless and have a child with him, prepare to wait for that eternal proposal because he's not going to. I believe this topic shouldn't be something where you're practically pulling your hair and are wondering and feel like you have to convince a man to propose. In that case, it's better to break up and find a man that's marriage-minded not because the woman wants that but because he himself wants that too.

Edited November 15, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry you have your answer, OP.

 

I hate the analogy, but he has no intention of buying the cow because you've ben giving him the milk for free all along. Doing the house thing and the children thing is just going along with his reality and, in truth, he is NOT the one for you if you two don't have the same vision for your future(s) and what the commitment means.

[greenemerald]

I'm sorry you have your answer, OP.

 

I hate the analogy, but he has no intention of buying the cow because you've ben giving him the milk for free all along. Doing the house thing and the children thing is just going along with his reality and, in truth, he is NOT the one for you if you two don't have the same vision for your future(s) and what the commitment means.

 

 

Nope, I don't think so. I think marriage is just a concept he's not convinced of. And that doesn't make it better of course.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think marriage is just a concept he's not convinced of.

That would be enough for me to break up. Marriage shouldn't be something he needs to be convinced about nor give ''Oh maybe, someday, I don't know'' answer. It's either yes you do want marriage or no you don't want.

[CarrieT]

Nope, I don't think so. I think marriage is just a concept he's not convinced of. And that doesn't make it better of course.

 

But you are willing to live with someone for whom marriage is something they have to be convinced into?

[Cynicalme]

Oh, for crying out loud! Do you listen to yourself, OP? Even if he doesn't need/want to get married, he's willing to do it ANYWAY. Now you're moping because you don't want that kind of proposal? Are you freaking kidding me???? You're not going to get that kind of proposal because he ALREADY proposed. That's who he is.

 

What you need to do is TELL him... ok, neither of us need a church wedding. How does a week from Tuesday sound to go to the courthouse and do it there?

 

Geez... there's no pleasing you, is there? Maybe he's got the right idea.

[MissBee]

Honestly, this is your first and biggest mistake. If we're going to talk about age and maturity in terms of marriage then I'm going to ask you to take a closer look at how you've handled this.

 

Personally, it doesn't appear to be a very mature move on your part which might be the reason why this guy is moving at a snails pace.

 

One thing I've learned in my 45 years is that women, regardless of our age, need to STOP assuming our men can read our minds! It doesn't help that Hollywood has portrayed male romantic leads as these super-human romantics who instinctively KNOW our every wish and desire and need and want. Reality isn't a novel or movie.

 

If you want something, let it be known. How can you be with someone for two years and NOT have had the marriage talk if that is what YOU wanted all along? You can't fault your man if you didn't make it crystal clear that you want to be married to HIM someday.

 

Assuming is NOT the same as asking.

 

As far as I can see, you have two choices; sit him down and have the "talk" about what you want from this relationship (aka marriage) OR stop sitting on the sidelines pouting that he hasn't proposed yet and enjoy what you have together as is.

 

You're a grown woman who is in control of her own life and ultimately her own happiness. Stop putting someone else in charge of it.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree with Michelle.

 

I'm always in shock when women are with a man and are waiting for a proposal even though it seems they've never spoken about marriage concretely. While in movies the man just randomly pops up with a ring and it's a surprise and you never see them discuss it, in real life while the day he proposes might be a surprise the fact that he wants to marry you shouldn't be a surprise. You should already know whether or not you guys are going to marry each other and then the actual proposal should be the surprise.

 

Marriage is a life decision, and just like he wouldn't just buy a house in another state and surprise you and say you guys are moving, but you'd discuss it as a couple prior to any decisions, marriage is the same. With my ex, from our relationship started he said he was looking for a gf who would eventually be his wife. Pretty early on it was clear we both were looking for that and we talked about it many times and it was obvious that should we stay together we'd get married. It wasn't any kind of guess work or me trying to read his mind or assume (based on his background, his family, his zodiac sign, or other random things) that he wants marriage. We broke up, but should it have progressed as the relationship got more serious the talks would also become concrete and we'd probably decide we wanted to get married...then the day of the actual ring and ceremonial aspect of proposing would be the surprise.

 

TALK to him! Life isn't a movie. Marriage isn't some surprise gift a man bestows on you but a life choice you BOTH make for yourselves as adults. The proposal is only the romantic part of it but actual legit discussions about do we want to marry each other, if so when, do we want kids, etc. should all be things you discuss concretely prior so that you know where you stand going forward.

[Mittens]

My ex H married me purely because it was what I wanted. He was perfectly fine without it. So no engagement ring, very low key affair....sounds great, doesn't it? I got the marriage I wanted, we lived happily ever after.

 

Wrong. I could never get over the feeling that I had basically forced him to do something that he didn't want to. He was a rubbish husband, remained very selfish and always put himself first. Refused to wear a wedding ring, which I know isn't a big thing to some people, but it was to me.

 

We've been apart 5 years. He's had a girlfriend for 4. He's told her they are never getting married, and she's fine with it. He's far less selfish with her. Don't assume that because he's 30 he's mature. My ex H was 31 when we married...he now admits himself that he didn't 'grow up' until he was nearly 40.

 

If any man now told me that he was only getting married because I wanted it, I'd run a mile. I'm now engaged, and my FI is keener to get married than I am. That's the way it should be.

[RockyCruz]

Hi,

 

The reason why I never really talked about marriage with him is because in the beginning I was always sure he'd want to get married eventually, because he's from a Latin family (tradition), most of his friends are already married etc. Plus I always thought he should be the one to bring it up. I told him once that I wanna get married one day, so he knows that I do. He didn't tell me what he wants. And the reason why now I doubt more than before is because unlike him I need a visa to live here, which I have to renew this month. He said next time I'll need a visa (which will be in 1-2 years) we should try to get my visa through the house we're gonna buy, which will be easier probably (that's what he says). For me that means: You're not gonna get the visa in the next 1-2 years through marriage with me.

 

What do you guys think? What should I do? Is he never going to propose? I don't wanna push him into something but I also don't wanna wait forever.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh boy. I'm from Tradition Arab community, lived in UK since I was a kid, but it doesn't mean, just because all my relatives got married and people in my community get married, a lot of them....that I will. Didn't you sit down and talk on what it is you want from relationship because that's what I did with who I'm with

 

"i.e. no marriage, no children, not interested. You need to know from set go and that I might never, ever change."

 

She understood and been with each other for 15 years and it's open relationship. I made it clear from day one, right at beginning of second dating.

 

It has nothing to do with maturity. Some men want to marry and some don't. I for one don't but it's important to let each other know before it all gets serious, time passing by. That way you both knew where you stood, and can make a decision, and know what you're going into.

 

You can't assume these things especially when it's relationship and this serious too.

 

You have to really let go of the fear of loss, putting your happiness in someone else, and be in charge of your happiness. You got to sit down and talk, and doing it with definite decision has been made.

 

It's best to never assume anything in relationship. Talk it out.

Edited November 19, 2014 by RockyCruz

[Itspointless]

Oh, for crying out loud! Do you listen to yourself, OP? Even if he doesn't need/want to get married, he's willing to do it ANYWAY. Now you're moping because you don't want that kind of proposal? Are you freaking kidding me???? You're not going to get that kind of proposal because he ALREADY proposed. That's who he is.

 

What you need to do is TELL him... ok, neither of us need a church wedding. How does a week from Tuesday sound to go to the courthouse and do it there?

 

Geez... there's no pleasing you, is there? Maybe he's got the right idea.

I agree with Cynicalme. I have friends who are married have a family, house and kinds and are very happy with each-other. I also have friends who are not married and have a family, house and kinds and are also very happy with each-other. OP just as you I am from a Western European country. I am really surprised that you think two years waiting is long, I really do not see that.

 

The friends I have who are not married see no symbolical value in marriage. For some people love itself actually holds that promise. Perhaps it works for your boyfriend the same way, but he wants to marry you if you want that. What I am trying to say is that his view on marriage does not say anything yet about his love for you.

[Copelandsanity]

If getting married is important for you to have absolute certainty in your relationship, to feel significant in having status as a wife, and to feel progress as a couple, then this might be a dealbreaker for you. But you have a lot of thinking to do. The biggest question you have to ask yourself is if your partner fulfills your most important needs at a high enough level, and if the institution of marriage is essential for it. Because you also risk giving up a great guy and what sounds like a great relationship. I know of one unmarried couple who has a house together and has two kids together, but they made that decision together.

[kalika]

He sounds apathetic towards marriage. That's not a good sign at all. I really think you need to tell him that you've thought about the conversation you had and that you're just not comfortable buying a house with him or doing anything that major unless you're secure in the future of your relationship.

 

I'm someone that moved in with my boyfriend without having these conversations. Now we're 4.5 years into the relationship with no talk of marriage. And he lives in my house. Do you really want to be like me???

[asiangirl]

Ms. Op,

I have a friend since my childhood, she and her BF have been together for more than a decade. They live together just like husband and wife but still NOT married yet.

So 10+ years of her life with him, and he still haven't pop the proposal.

BUT they very happy though, both are very faithful to each others.

 

 

I am in similar situation like you, minus the house.

Now I wonder if my man ever going to married me. I am 30 already, and he 29, it should be time for him to settle down.

 

BF really committed to me too, and he buy matching 'promise ring' to show his commitment. He wears the ring on his finger all the times. I never force him to buy or wear it; it was all his idea, and he do it out of his own willing.

But he still haven't ask me to married him yet.

 

He wants to live together with me, and he mentioned marriage. He even ask me when to give him a son, yet still have not pop the question.

I'm 30 this year already, I don't know how long he gonna make me wait.

 

Don't worry OP, your not the only one out there who waiting for their man to propose, I am waiting for mine too.

Edited December 6, 2014 by asiangirl

[Itspointless]

Don't worry OP, your not the only one out there who waiting for their man to propose, I am waiting for mine too.

I know that there still is a lot to be done when we talk about emancipation of woman, but these kind of threads really surprise me to be honest.

 

Communicate your needs!

[elaine567]

There is no need for a man to propose to a woman he is living with and woman who is happy to buy/rent a house together and to have his kids.

 

Why does he need to get married?

[Itspointless]

There is no need for a man to propose to a woman he is living with and woman who is happy to buy/rent a house together and to have his kids.

 

Why does he need to get married?

Personally speaking, as I am not religious. I have seen my father taking care of my mother while she was terminally ill. For me marriage has that symbolical meaning of saying to someone you mean so much to me that I will be there for you whatever happens. And yes I know it is only just a promise as we never know how life unfolds. I guess I want to say that not all man just care about spreading their seed or just want to live together as it is convenient for them.