when the one you love is not ready

[klikiklik]

hy, i really really wanted to write this. I have the need to share it, maybe it would be helpful to someone. And also i want to make myself bound to my decision.

 

Well the story starts about a year and a half before. Im on collage, so at one point i started going to this new study room. There i met this guy. I used to see him from time to time even before i started to study there and thought he was good looking and we talked a few times and i liked him. But that was it, never really taught about him.

 

But, when i came there ( he always studied there) we started to hang out, just as fellow students. i felt he liked me, and he was kind of showing it to me. He was being very caring, toughtful, he shared his personal stories and feelings about some things. We really talked a lot and really liked each other. We smiled like idiots while we talked i and i started to fall in love. For the very first time. and i was then 20. Hes 22. After a month or so we end up together, we kissed and continued to hang out and shared probably most of our days together. During the first three months we have been separated only for two days when he had to go home for a weekend. Ive never felt that way before. he was perfect. perfect. Not just the way he was, but also the way he was to me. I was quite closed because it was all very new and scary. But he was very considerate, patient. Wanted to make me feel good.

 

 

 

the problem. his ex girlfriend. he loved her very much and they were together for 2 years. they broke up 7 months before we met. he said he knew it was coming and that they wouldnt work. He is poor and she wants a different standard. But he said he did not expect to be so messed up after the final breakup. it was a bit tragic to him, i could feel it. but he said that he never ever wants to be with her again, his familiy started hating her, he hated her at that point.

 

i was extremly nervous about it, mostly because i was never in a relationship so i didnt know anything about heartbreak and the process of it.

so we continued.

 

the summer came and we had to go home during the summer. we would talk three times a day at the begining but it started to be more and more weird. I was so lost, scared. desperate, angry. i had a feeling something is going on, he was distant.

 

when we finally got back to the city, things were tight, we talked and he said that he is not yet ready for a relationship, that we should take it slow, see where it goes, but he did not want it to be the end. jut like a break or something. i said ok. ( idiotic thing to do)

 

i couldnt think of anything else. he was, and still is always, always on my mind. i was hurt, scared, confused. i didnt know how to act. i thought it was my fault because i was so closed of, or i didnt give him enough, or i lost my own life so i scared him and pressured him... but also i was angry at him, i thaught about his ex. they go to collage together so the are in contact.

 

i was freaking out!

 

so, what hapened from that point. almost for a year now ( A YEAR!!) our ,,relationship,, was like we would meet a few times, i would try to be normal, sexy, dignified, more open, more close, more sirius, more this, more that. then i would break down because i didnt know what was happening so we would talk. i asked him if he think of me as a mistake, if i was just the way to get over his ex, or if he just wanted a revenge.he would say that that is not true, that it wasnt like that, he would say that he cannot let me go because he thinks i am a perfect woman for him, he can see us getting married, he can see us going to church together. The only problem was the timing, according to him. If we were just to meet a few months later none of the problems would happen. He just wasnt ready. So then i would tell him how scared i was, how hard is it for me, how i taught that there is something wrong with me.. he would be really nice about it and for the most times we would end up in bed. Then we wouldnt see each other for a while. i would go trough feeling of being used, manipulated, not appreciated.. i would hate myself (never him) because i let it happen and i taught that i created a wall between us by sleeping with him. Because i felt it is my responsibility as a woman to say stop and to make him make the effort to commit. so eventually would forgive myself and him for everything so that there would be still a chance for us.

So we would eventually meet again ( not sleep together at start), and eventually i would break down, the big talk, he still cant let me go, we would decide not to decide yet, we would feel close that day, sleep together, shame, guilt, no contact for a while, i would try to ignore him, he would text me every two weeks, sometimes when hes drunk, we would meet for coffeand it would start all over again..

 

i failed at college, i had some really bad depressive epizodes, break downs. i studied every possible relationship books. i went back and forth from thinking that i gave him too much so he didn have any reason to step up. to thinking i didnt love him or didnt show my love enough. for thinking that i am to closed of to thinking how he must think that i am desperate.

 

the last time it happend was a few days ago. he called me, wanted to meet. i knew he would, we never had the final talk. so i said ok,so we talked for a few hours. casually. i was normal, didnt try to be anything else but myself. and it was great. at the end he kissed me. an we couldnt stop so i let him in my room and we almost slept together. we did everything but that. I told myself after that i would be cool about it, no pressure. its all fine. BUT! after two days from not hearing from him it bothered me too much, i texted him asking to meet. he said that he is to nervous because he has an exam but we would hear tomorrow. i said ok, and i felt fine. but yesterday he was supposed to call. he didnt. i texted him and asked him why hes not calling. HE DID NOT EVEN REPLY. HE DID NOT EVEN REPLY! he knows how i feel about him, he is the one who kissed me and he called me to meet. we know each other enough now.

 

i have felt so humiliated so many times. i always taught it was me who is the problem. because i couldnt be normal, i couldnt relax. im the one that is messing things up, adding pressure, being immature, trying too much, wanting too much.

 

but the reality is, HE JUST DOES NOT CARE! not only he doesnt care, he doesnt respect me, he knows he can have me anytime he wants, he knows how much i care but he still acts just the way that suits him in the moment. he does not aprecciate me.

 

and thats ok. honestly i can say that that i can understand. its how he feels (mostly indifferent, if not even disgusted by me by now.)

the reason why im writing this is to remind myself and to tell everyone who might be interested: put yourself first. DIGNITY before love.

 

no matter how much you think you deserve or dont deserve to get what you want. if someone is ready to ,,break up,, with you. if they are not that scared of loosing you, if they dont think about how you feel, they do not care enough! i does not matter if you think that they are hurt, scared.. you cant help them. THEY DONT WANT YOU TO HELP!

 

i taught that just as long as i do things because i love someone, nothing else matters.

i would tell myself, its ok to feel bad, you love him, its an effort youre making, its noble. no its not! it leaves you with self hate. and ultimately makes you hate that person too. you can only love someone if you can love yourself with them.

 

it is over now. done. this is the first time that i made that choice. the first time i told that to my friends. i am now bound to that. i can picture it telling it to him.

it hurts. it really does. i cant imagine my life from this point and i cant imagine anyone being more perfect to me than him. but it IS the right thing to do. it is over.

 

what i think would have been the right thing for me to do when he told me that he is not ready: to tell him ok, i really care about you, even i love you, i could have even cried then infront of him. but then i should have said that i love him too much to settle for something in between. and that that is the end.

maybe then he would rescpect me, i would be sure that he knows how i feel, i would have my dignity intact, i would act honesty, bravely, lovingly. sadly, i think that if i had acted in that way he would have made a very strong decision to be with me.

i made myself smaller than a rat, trying to change, trying to make him love me. disgusting. and now its over.