Mixed signals or just weird?

[Dadittude]

So, I am a single Dad. I met this woman, who is a single mother with a child in my daughters class at school. We started talking one day, and we kind of clicked on a friendly basis. We already had a mutual bond, based on the fact our kids are really friendly with each other. Anyway, we have done some activities together, both with the kids and without. Here is the part I am struggling with. There are times when I feel she is making a lot of eye contact, trying to grab my attention physically, flipping her hair, showing me her nails, etc. She has also made some physical contact, reaching out to touch my arm or leg during conversations, that sort of thing. She has made little comments that I can say for certain is flirting, but it feels this way. People around us have noticed it as well. Basically, I get the feeling she is interested in more than just friends, but she portrays verbally that she wishes to be only friends. Now here is the shocker. She asks me to go out one day to do an activity with just her and I. While we are out, she tells me about a guy she has started dating recently. They started to talk, right before we met. She said she just wanted to let me know, even though up until this point we have been nothing more than casual friends. It seemed like a weird conversation to have with a "friend". I blow it off to no big deal and carried on as normal. However, we still continue to be in contact, do activities on occasion, etc. I recently find out, this "boyfriend" is someone she has known for a couple years through work, but he lives in a different state. They have only spent a total of maybe 2 weeks together in person, yet she considers him her boyfriend....and yet, I still get these mixed signals from her. So, while we were out having drinks together one night, I called her on it. I basically said, "what will your boyfriend think when he finds out you're dating me. She about swallowed her tongue. We had not had any real flirty conversations up until this point. I stay cool, because I wanted to see her response. She blushed, remained somewhat speechless, giggled uncontrollably and then admitted to having thought about a relationship with me. I didn't push it any further, and we carried on with our night out for a few hours. I am recently divorced, and I am by no means ready to aggressively pursue anyone, especially if I think there might be mixed signals. With that said, I don't know what to make of this. Does anyone have any insight or experience with a similar situation? Am I just reading more into this than I should, wishful thinking maybe? Or, should I take a different approach towards her?

 

Thanks

[preraph]

She's kidding herself if she thinks you two aren't dating. I guess she thinks she did her duty telling you she had a long-distance boyfriend. I guess that means she's more interested in him than you. But of course, you're there and he's not and isn't likely to be. She may be real hung up on the guy. I think if you're interested in really taking the relationship forward, you need to air it all out with her. I'm glad you said what you did. That's exactly what you should have done. I mean, you can just keep dating her and take it to the next level with the understanding you'll both keep seeing other people, if you want. Or you can keep it going as it and just see if it develops into something deep enough that she wants to lose the other guy or if you just end up friends. If you start having real feelings and consider exclusivity, you'll have to watch very closely how she handles this other guy thing because however she handles him, she could do you the same way sometime. So give her room to do the right thing with him unless you just want to see what she does without your cooperation.

[Standard-Fare]

I say try to kiss her next time. It sounds like she's into you but hasn't been sure if you're on the same page -- I guess very similar to what you've been feeling. Both of you haven't been assertive or overtly flirty (aside from your recent bold line).

 

Yes, she may rebuff you because of this other guy. But at least right now, it sounds like their relationship is new/not committed, so this would be your window to try something before it could be deemed "cheating." If they continue dating and get serious, you would definitely lose your chance.

 

Carpe Diem!

[BlueIris]

You’re not direct and clear with her, you’re playing coy games, you say you’re not ready for a real relationship, but you’re doing relationship things with her that sound like dating to me, and you're and baiting and testing her instead of speaking to her directly. I notice that you haven’t told her whether you want to date her or not. I suspect you don’t. This is common in recently-divorced men and why so many women won’t date them.

 

Also, I think it’s a VERY bad idea to date, or even flirt with, moms at your kid’s school. It could lead to discomfort for your child, your ex, and even you at school events.

[Dadittude]

Also, I think it’s a VERY bad idea to date, or even flirt with, moms at your kid’s school. It could lead to discomfort for your child, your ex, and even you at school events.

 

I come from a pretty small town. There is only one public school. If I limited myself like that, I would be crossing off 3/4 of the potential dating prospects in my area. Granted, I do very much get your point, and I will keep that in mind.

[Dadittude]

Thanks for the input!

 

Maybe I am not being clear enough in my interactions with her. I will try to scale up the flirtation a bit and see how she responds to that. I know for certain that we have some connection, just not sure if it will ultimately be friend based or more. The last time we got together, I straight up asked her out (on what I consider a date). I asked her to go to a theater performance. She responded by saying that, "we should make it a group thing ;)". I interpreted that as her sending a message that she was involved and we weren't going to date. I played along with it, and we put a small 4 person group together, her roommate and my buddy. While we were out, with our "group", she expressed that we should come to this same place, the next time, without them. She just throws out so many mixed messages like that. It's a but frustrating.

 

My experience with women, and playing the dating game, is that fully showing your cards too soon can put you in the friend zone, real quick. Granted, it's been 15 years since I have been in the dating scene.

[BlueIris]

I come from a pretty small town. There is only one public school. If I limited myself like that, I would be crossing off 3/4 of the potential dating prospects in my area. Granted, I do very much get your point, and I will keep that in mind.

 

Oh. Well, ok.

First question, though: Do YOU want to date her? Do you have that feeling for her?

If you do, then step up and be the brave one. (It's very sexy.) I like men who are direct. I’m direct. It’d make me happy if someone I’d been in extended flirtation with said, “I’d like to date you. Can I take you out on a proper date next Friday?” (Or something along those lines.) It was also suggested that you kiss her. That’s another good idea. But don’t pussy foot. And don’t worry about whether she’s skittery. Take the reins and date her, court her. It’s pretty delicious. Just my opinion.

[Standard-Fare]

Oh. Well, ok.

First question, though: Do YOU want to date her? Do you have that feeling for her?

If you do, then step up and be the brave one. (It's very sexy.) I like men who are direct. I’m direct. It’d make me happy if someone I’d been in extended flirtation with said, “I’d like to date you. Can I take you out on a proper date next Friday?” (Or something along those lines.) It was also suggested that you kiss her. That’s another good idea. But don’t pussy foot. And don’t worry about whether she’s skittery. Take the reins and date her, court her. It’s pretty delicious. Just my opinion.

 

To kind of spin off from this, yeah, I think you need to decide whether you actually DO have romantic feelings/attraction toward her... you sound a little bit on the fence. This isn't worth messing around with if you're not sure. And it sounds like you've spent enough time around her to know. Do you feel excited before you see her? Do you feel the urge to kiss her/touch her when she's near you? Etc.

 

If you DO feel that way, I would slightly disagree with the poster above on the "I'd like date you" tactic. It just seems a little overbearing, esp. since you know she's seeing someone else. I think ramping up the flirting/affection, possibly leading to a kiss, would be the best way to do this.

[Dadittude]

I DO think I would like to date her. I am drawn towards her, and I would like to see her more. I am not sure if we would be a good match or not, but certain aspects are definitely in alignment. Unfortunately, even though we have spent some time together, we really haven't shared the deep stuff. I think I will take the advice of stepping up the flirtation and see where that goes.

 

What is the general consensus about initiating texts and invitations to get together? Should I wait for her to initiate, or should I pursue most of the time? Geeeez, I feel like a young old boy, trying to figure out how to go on my first date. That is what 14 years of marriage will do to a guy.....lol

[Standard-Fare]

Don't be all up in her face with the contact/invites, but make sure she knows you're interested in pursuing her.

 

You should invite her soon to something one-on-one that seems like a date. Like a concert or something. Don't be like "Do you want to go on this date with me?" but that should be the context.

 

Again, this guy she's seeing could derail any plans of yours. You'll have to see how she treats that. But it sounds like you two are comfortable enough as friends that you could still fall back on that if this experiment fails.

[Dadittude]

Well, I gave her an invite. Unfortunately, she was going to be out of town on business, so she declined. I had been the one to initiate contacts and invites the last couple times, so I decided to pull back and let her contact me.....Not a word in 2 weeks....haha

[Standard-Fare]

Aww, that's a shame. But you've done the right thing here. It was wise to pull back and give her a chance to take initiative. Bummer that she didn't!

 

It may be worth attempting to hang out with her again in a couple weeks, not pushing so overtly for a date but going more with your normal friendship style.

That's assuming you'd want to remain friends with her even if nothing romantic ever happens.

[Dadittude]

Yeah, it is a shame, but it was a good indicator for me. It's been very confusing, because like I said, the signals have been VERY mixed. At one moment, she would be acting disinterested in anything more than being friends, and the next moment she is staring into my eyes, flipping her hair and showing me tons of attention.....It was just weird. I think it will be best to play it on a friendly level. I have no attachment, and remaining friends will be easy for me.

[Standard-Fare]

It seems like there's definitely some attraction there that she enjoys playing around with sometimes. But she's on the fence about taking it to the next level.

 

If you can be comfortable with this occasionally flirty dynamic without setting any particular expectations for romance, then this could be a fun friendship, and who knows, it might evolve over time. But if it becomes frustrating or discouraging, you have the right to back out.

[Dadittude]

Well, here is another interaction with "mixed signal mom", or who I will now refer to as "MSMom", .....lol

 

Our daughters are both involved in the same group activity. That is originally how we met. The other day was a ceremony, so parents attended and sat in the audience. When MSMom showed up, she came and sat right beside me. She was talkative and upbeat. She mentioned that she had been thinking about me, and that she had almost called me the other day. She asked lots of questions about what I had been up to, and sounded genuinely interested. She made lots of comments and asked questions about my daughter, and joked about me being a good "mom". I showed enthusiasm in what she had to share as well. It was very friendly. Just to test the waters, I transitioned it into a little flirting, just to see how she responded. You guessed it, she flirted right back and even took it up a notch. I didn't pursue AT ALL, and at the end of the event simply said, "it was good seeing you again. Goodbye". I am not sure if that was the right approach, or if I am even going to put any effort into her anymore. There is obviously something there, either romantically or friendship wise, but it is not clearcut what exactly she wants the relationship to be....but I am growing tired of the mixed signals and unknown. Maybe I am just getting too old to play dating games?.....lol

[preraph]

Just to get to the crux of the matter, I would be tempted to text her and say "Is there any reason we shouldn't start trying to date in earnest?" Then she can either make it clear she's down for it or mention the ex or mention how busy she is, etc., making excuses. Rip the Band-Aid off. You're both adults.