Mostly in love, but unhappy together

[UnsharedValues]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. She loves me and I love her, but neither of us is terribly happy. A few years ago she mentioned that we might think of getting a divorce and I was more relieved than upset. We never really said it, but I think we've just decided that we will wait four years until the kids are in college to make a decision.

 

This may be where I'm supposed to say how awful my wife is, but she isn't. She's a wonderful person, highly educated, and successful in her career. We actually get along well together. We have somewhat similar interests, although she pretended to like my music when we were dating when she really didn't, so we can't listen to music in the car. If anyone is the "bad guy" it is me, as I have some pretty bad ADD and motivation problems and really don't get much of anything done. I've got a stream of income from past work, but it bothers my wife to know that she is working hard while I'm getting nothing done; sometimes she comes home from a trip and the dishes are dirty and the clothes aren't washed. I'm lazy.

 

Here is the problem, and I do not believe it can ever be resolved. My wife does not like people. She often finds really negative things to say about people which make it clear to me that she has no desire to be around them. My wife doesn't want to take part in community activities. If she thinks a woman has behaved crudely in some manner, she will act like the old biddies on the Titanic when Molly Brown was trying to talk to them. I will say my wife has tried to be more social a few times over the years, and in fact we do have a few friends. But precious few. My wife hates half the people in my hometown. These are people I love; they are part of who I am. It really drives me nuts.

 

A bit of background. My wife grew up poor with an immature father who would spend money on t-bones and beer but not clothes and eyeglasses for the children. He finally grew up, the family moved and things got better, but being poor is no fun. My wife learned how to dress and act from reading books. She could make a living as a home decorator and has outstanding taste. But she's just got a visceral dislike for the sometimes-slightly-vapid upper-middle-class people for whom everything has come easy. I don't even think she's aware of it.

 

We have a beautiful home. We could have a cocktail buffet with china and sterling for 50. My daughter told me recently, "Momma always talks about having parties with all these friends, but we don't have any friends."

 

I went to a counselor recently to maybe try to work through some ADD issues, and instead we got into marriage issues. I've got some anger over all of this that's just kind of bottled up. I'm sure my wife is very angry about things, too. The counselor started talking about how to resolve things, and I don't really want to resolve things, not because I don't love my wife, but simply because I don't think she can change who she is.

 

Maybe my wife will think a separation is a good idea. Maybe she'll be relieved. I don't know. I'm just tired of living like this. Curious if there are others who care about there spouses but just can't live happy and fulfilled lives with them.

[oldshirt]

You sound like friends and roommates and coparents.

 

Do you think she would be ok with being friends and cooperative coparents from two different homes and not being married?

[UnsharedValues]

You sound like friends and roommates and coparents.

 

Do you think she would be ok with being friends and cooperative coparents from two different homes and not being married?

Our sex life isn't great, but we're more than friends and roommates. But that said, yes, we might be able to do this.

 

I've noticed a tendency for couples to separate or divorce and everything is fine until one or the other starts enjoying themselves. This really upsets the other. I hope neither me nor my wife would be this way, but it's apparently human nature!

[MTmama]

I am sorry that your are finding this a difficult time. After so many years we get into ruts in our marriage. Can you and your wife find new interests that you could have in common? Is being happy the answer? Could your perspective change if you re-framed your relationship? Make it about companionship and friendship rather than happiness? Can you encourage your wife to have one dinner party a month and you participate in the set up and clean up? The friends don't have to be mutual friends, it could be a business dinner or something like that. I hope you and your wife can find some common ground.

[UnsharedValues]

I am sorry that your are finding this a difficult time. After so many years we get into ruts in our marriage. Can you and your wife find new interests that you could have in common? Is being happy the answer? Could your perspective change if you re-framed your relationship? Make it about companionship and friendship rather than happiness? Can you encourage your wife to have one dinner party a month and you participate in the set up and clean up? The friends don't have to be mutual friends, it could be a business dinner or something like that. I hope you and your wife can find some common ground.

 

MTmama, thank you for your comment. Yes, happiness is the answer. I've been married for 18 years and I don't think I have ever raised my voice at my wife. But I have just picked at this mental scab and am upset and exhausted, and quite honestly revolted.

[jakrbbt]

Sounds like you've both been able to have a very decent life so far with less than hopeful background, and I think you should be proud of that.

 

That doesn't mean it shouldn't come to a separation or divorce. Just, I appreciate you two respecting each other even if you have compatibility issues.

 

It's one thing to be introverted. But if your wife truly puts people down and writes them off so quickly, she may be insecure. She may fear abandonment. Insecure, abandonment-fearing people can turn ugly during a divorce. Not a reason to stay together, but keep it in mind and if it happens, forgive yourself. Make sure you can live with losing some assets you think you should keep, in return for being divorced. Your kids aren't young enough for custody to be a big problem, so you are lucky there. But based on her upbringing and possible insecurities, the finances could turn into a battle. Maybe not. If so, that's ok. Figure out what you're wiling to walk away with and what is your plan B if the divorce becomes financially difficult. That is NOT the end of the world.

[Elliotte]

Thanks for sharing, honestly this is where I see my wife and I a lot. We're the best of friends but the intimacy and natural chemistry just doesn't seem to be there. She also put her best foot forward at the honeymoon period of the relationship, but that veil quickly dropped once things got serious, I don't blame her for that, she's a good stepmom for my son, but he's a handful for anyone.

 

I honestly wish it would work out, but even after getting counseling and working past a point where we used to argue all the time and we feel confident in the relationship, things don't really feel all that happy, the strain of lacking mutual feelings about intimacy, step parenting, having children, etc still feels kind of miserable yet neither of us are ready to pull the trigger and make the split that would very likely make us live happier lives and be a relief in many ways.

 

I struggle between thinking "this is the way it's supposed to be in a lifelong partnership" versus feeling we'd be much happier apart than together. Sometimes opposites attract, but that doesn't always mean those differences equal lifelong happiness I guess...

 

Good luck in however you move forward with (or without) your wife.

[LifesontheUp]

Would she consider marriage counselling with you?

[anika99]

I also think you and your wife should consider marriage counselling before you throw in the towel.

 

 

It doesn't sound like either of you are bad people and it doesn't sound like you despise each other. I think some your wife's disdain for other people is probably coming from a place of unhappiness deep inside her. Possibly she is also feeling empty and unfulfilled in her marriage and that is feeding her anger towards others.

 

 

Are you willing to work on the marriage and make changes? You admit that you are lazy and don't help her much so if she was willing to try harder to meet your needs are you willing to make changes for her? You might think that going to live by yourself where you can be lazy and unmotivated every single day sounds like some kind of utopia but living just on self indulgence gets old pretty fast. If you're willing to put in some work on yourself then tell her you have been thinking about divorce but are open to marriage counselling if she is open to it.