Sometimes I really feel like killing myself and I dunno what to do

[Withering]

I've been going through this for the past 10 years almost, I guess it's still a miracle that I am still alived. Perhaps I dun really want to kill myself yet i don't know anymore becuz I'm always so lost. At times i can be happy but most times I am depress, worrying about everything and anything, things seems to always go the wrong way with my life, my parents, my friends, relationships, school and now work. Nothing seems to go well, things always have to go hell when I thought it's going alrite. I cry alot and it make me sick even thinking about crying, I feel alot of hate against myself and my parents, and sometimes i feel that i shouldn't even hate them becuz it's all my fault, it's so mcuh my fault that i wish i'm dead. i know i'm old enuf and that i shouldn't think like this but i can't hlep it. i want to just give up and forget it, i know that's so selfish and that i'll hurt those around me if i do that and it's just plain stupid. Perhaps i am selfish and just want to get away with it, life is hard and people all live thru it. But what's the point really? why go thru all that and eventually we all have to die? I"m only in my early 20's and i'm already feeling like i'm dying inside, and i know that things would just be worse as i grow older. I feel like there's no future for myself, i'm so lost, i'm not popular, i make people angry all the time, i hate myslef alot, it's like i can't do anything right, and when i cry again and hate myself iot make me feel i'm just making an excuse to pity myself, to make myself think i'm not normal. Sometimes I seem to find ways to make myself have the courage to kill myself. Whenever i have an argument or fight w/ my boyfriend and when things get worse i tend to thnk it's all my fault and i want to die, i feel so hopeless. Now when you are reading this i dont even know if this make sense at all? I don't even know if i'm seeking help here or am i just writing this so that i can go freely.........maybe i am not seeking help at all, if i want help i wouldn't be like this, i am not helping myself....I don't know what to do anymore.

[Mr Spock]

The next time you have an urge to harm yourself, walk into your nearest ER and tell them you want to kill yourself, and you have a plan. It's time to ask for some help, sometimes people reach a place they can't get out of by themselves.

[HokeyReligions]

You may have a medical condition known as depression. It is different than just being depressed about something, and in most cases it IS treatable. It is nothing of which to be ashamed. It is something that your body is experiencing and the symptoms present as mental anguish and despair and thoughts of suicide.

 

If you can't talk to your parents, then talk to a school nurse, or counselor. Get to a doctor and get checked out. Tell them you think you may suffer (and I understand the suffering) from Depression and that you want some help so that you will feel better.

 

Treatment is in two parts; one part will treat the physical (usually with drugs) and the other part will treat the symptoms--emotional depression. That means therapy. Just like someone who has suffered serious physical injuries must go through physical therapy to get back their healthy body, you have suffered a long time with the emotional/mental symptoms and need psychotherapy to get back your healthy mind.

 

Please, suicide is NOT the answer. Life changes all the time and there are good things ahead for you and to really enjoy them you need to get some help NOW.

 

I know. I've been where you are. I've lived through a lot (see my thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58771/) and even with all that I still know that life is WORTH living.

[GladCastro]

Most people have some degree of chemical imbalance. The bars are full of us. Part of your feelings are probably due to an imbalance. There is safe and effective medication for this. Doctors are sympathetic and eager to help. Even if you have no insurance, most will just give you samples until you can buy a bottle of the generic.

 

Speaking from personal experience, bad thoughts have a heavy momentum all their own, and they lead to more negativity. It's like a residual slush of bad vibes, a tide or surf of hurt, an ebb and flow.

 

You must try and establish some positive habits of thinking. Remember that you are by no means alone in the score of confused and suffering people. Certainly, pain is simply a symptom of life here in the ole' matrix. It ups the ante. Keeps it real.

 

If you could just get a fresh outlook and take a new lease, you would take to feeling better. Stop blaming. Do not blame others and do not blame yourself. You did not create this thing, this pin ball machine in which we all gettin' jolted around, but as stated in Desiderada; "You have as much right to be here as the trees and the stars......"

 

Things are never as bad as they seem. Try some ibuprofen, a sleeping pill, and a super hot bath. Take it easy on yourself. Get some help, it's out there along with the answers.

[Paul]

Hi Withering,

 

Originally posted by Withering

I've been going through this for the past 10 years almost, I guess it's still a miracle that I am still alived. Perhaps I dun really want to kill myself yet i don't know anymore becuz I'm always so lost. At times i can be happy but most times I am depress, worrying about everything and anything, things seems to always go the wrong way with my life, my parents, my friends, relationships, school and now work. Nothing seems to go well, things always have to go hell when I thought it's going alrite. I cry alot and it make me sick even thinking about crying, I feel alot of hate against myself and my parents, and sometimes i feel that i shouldn't even hate them becuz it's all my fault, it's so mcuh my fault that i wish i'm dead. i know i'm old enuf and that i shouldn't think like this but i can't hlep it. i want to just give up and forget it, i know that's so selfish and that i'll hurt those around me if i do that and it's just plain stupid. Perhaps i am selfish and just want to get away with it, life is hard and people all live thru it. But what's the point really? why go thru all that and eventually we all have to die? I"m only in my early 20's and i'm already feeling like i'm dying inside, and i know that things would just be worse as i grow older. I feel like there's no future for myself, i'm so lost, i'm not popular, i make people angry all the time, i hate myslef alot, it's like i can't do anything right, and when i cry again and hate myself iot make me feel i'm just making an excuse to pity myself, to make myself think i'm not normal. Sometimes I seem to find ways to make myself have the courage to kill myself. Whenever i have an argument or fight w/ my boyfriend and when things get worse i tend to thnk it's all my fault and i want to die, i feel so hopeless. Now when you are reading this i dont even know if this make sense at all? I don't even know if i'm seeking help here or am i just writing this so that i can go freely.........maybe i am not seeking help at all, if i want help i wouldn't be like this, i am not helping myself....I don't know what to do anymore.

 

While we applaud that you've recognized a need for assistance and congratulate you on your courage for reaching out, LoveShack.org does not have the resources available to assist in the sort of crisis situation you're describing. Fortunately, there are a number of organizations available locally, nationally, and around the world that are staffed with highly trained people 24 hours a day/7 days a week through various toll-free and local numbers who will work with you to explore all of your available options and get you the information and resources to help you make the best decision for you.

 

We ask that before posting further or making any decisions on this matter, that you agree to contact one of the agencies listed below and take a few moments to give yourself the opportunity to explore all of your options before making truly irreversible choices. There are many people who care about your success as an individual and want to work this out with you at no charge, getting you the support and services that may change your life for the better. We want to make sure we point you in the right direction.

 

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org (United States)
  Managed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
  1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  
• National Hopeline Network, http://www.hopeline.com (United States)
  Managed by the Kristin Brooks Hope Center
  1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
  

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[sami]

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever... - Isak Dinesen

[NiCoLe20]

hey i was where your at right now. i was real depressed in my early teens about everything in life. i actually attempted suicide once. it was not worth it at all. trust me everyone has their problems, no one is perfect- and it took me a while to realize that. their are soo much more things in life to look forward to. like marriage, kids, a career and parties and stuff like that. for me i cant wait till i turn 21! and that wouldve been something to miss out on if i committed suicide. u just gotta take one day at a time and not let things bother you as much.

if your fighting with your b/f non-stop then maybe he's not the right one for you. if your parents make you feel like sh-t like mine constantly do, talk to them. let them know their contributing to your depression and maybe they'll change and/or get help for you. if you need someone to talk to is there a close friend or brother/sister to call up? no one is alone, everyone has someone... or if you want try to talk to a counsellor. they'll help you with your problems and stuff so you might want to give that a try. dont cut your life short b/c you feel like your worthless- theres a purpose in life and you might not of found it yet but its there... just dont give up

[Withering]

Thanks for everything, I know I shouldn't make people worry about me, I will try my best to work it out, although I am still very depress, I will seek help anyway, thanks alot.

[moimeme]

You could click on http://www.metanoia.org It's a very good site to read and it also has numbers you can contact. Please stay with us. People who have felt like you - and worse! - have recovered and been very glad they did. You will too.

[Withering]

Thanks alot really......I got a contact from our local police just couple of days ago regarding this, i was pretty shock but i guess it's actually good that it comes to the surface in a way.....i've post here quite a few times already in the past but i never felt like telling how i really feel until that day, i was really desparate, it's like i can't even talk to friends or family, nobody understands even when i try to tell them, they only think i'm being silly, especialy when i try talking to my bf. Anyway, I feel alittle better today, but my mood goes up and down very much, so i suppose if i do feel so down i should just call someone up and talk about it too. Someone mention about depression here and i am really wondering if i really do have what so call "depression"? does people who suffer depression feels happy at times or they're depress ALL the time? if they are depress all the time then maybe i dun have depression? i dunno, i think ALOT, it drives me nuts, but again i just want to say i will try my best to make myself feel happier, and I hope that someday i can realy leave this all behind.

[moimeme]

i really do have what so call "depression"? does people who suffer depression feels happy at times or they're depress ALL the time? if they are depress all the time then maybe i dun have depression?

 

There's one kind of depresson where people aren't depressed all the time. I suspect nobody's depressed all the time, just most of the time. But absolutely if you feel like killing yourself, that's depression. The thing is that it can be a physical malfunction that causes it. You probably can't just fix it by yourself. Go see your doctor or a counsellor or even go to the hospital if you feel too bad and get the help you need. And for sure call a depression line if you feel that bad. They aren't going to hang up on you because you're not depressed all the time!!!

 

i dunno, i think ALOT, it drives me nuts, but again i just want to say i will try my best to make myself feel happier, and I hope that someday i can realy leave this all behind.

 

Please do get help. If this is a physically-caused depression, you can't fix it by yourself. There is very good help for this. Please do seek it out. You deserve a good life!

[GladCastro]

Have you seen a doctor yet? I guaran-damn-tee you'll be diagnosed with depression. If you are not depressed, I am the Easter Bunny. Listen, of course it's possible, in answer to your question, to go back and forth between happy and sad while suffering depression- that is typical. Like any illness, there can be many forms of depression.

 

In the name of God, stop playing around on the computer and go see a damn doctor. If it proves to be a waste of time and you are not completely satisfied, I'll buy your gas!! Geez, make an appointment already. Are you waiting for them to come to the house, wrestle you to the ground, and make you agree to get some help so that you can feel better and enjoy life? GO TO THE DOCTOR. GO TO THE DOCTOR. GO TO THE DOCTOR. GO TO THE DOCTOR. GO.

[Withering]

Oh i already did make an appointment to see a counsellor for tomorrow! I am only saying that other than seeking help i will also try to be happier myself, sorry to make you guys frustrated....>_<. I am only posting messages here becuase i feel alittle better now but i am going to see a counsellor for sure, thanks

[whichwayisup]

Withering, noone is frustrated, just concerned...Don't allow negative thoughts in there...Noone is judging you.

 

Everybody goes through bad times in their life at some point...And sometimes it's hard to move through it without some sort of therapy and/or med treatment.

 

I think it's a great thing that you are talking about how you are feeling and want to do something about it now. Talk to your friends/family too, get as much support as you can to help you through this.

 

Hugs!

[GladCastro]

Sorry, did not mean to sound negative toward you. It is really great news, is what I meant to say, that you are feeling better and making positive plans. I hope to read lots more good news from you, cause it's a sure thing there will be. LOL

[moimeme]

Wonderful, Withering! I don't think anyone was frustrated - just worried you might not follow through. Please do keep us updated on how it's going and feel free to share whatever you like.

[Groovy]

Hi Withering,

 

Great to hear you are taking putting good health in your hands by contacting a professional. I wanted to ask if you drink or use drugs, because over time if used regularly that can cause serious depression in someone who has everything going for them. And if you drink with an existing depression it can swing it rapidly into extremes throwing the chemicals in your brain off. It only feels good for a while. I just see so many people self medicate or look past the way drugs and alcohol really make them feel. Drinking is fine, but if you are depressed do not do anything as such! Someone in my family tried to kill themselves many times due to the drugs and alcohol and since stopping and taking meds are 100% better.

 

Depression can be a temporary thing due to environment that passes over time. And for others it is a life long illness, just like some of us have asthma or epilepsy and just need our meds to function with maybe lifestyle changes. I believe almost all of us have anxiety that roadblocks us, depression that we will need to treat at some point in our life, we may have obsessive compulsive things we do each day. Yes we are blind to how common it is in society. Unfortunately unlike physical disease mental illness is less "tangible" than a broken bone in an X-ray, for example. But I think if you treat your illness with medicine and therapy you will feel better.

 

I wish you luck. Please give yourself an opportunity and love yourself!

[Withering]

Thanks everyone to take the time to write, I really appreciate that. In reply to one of the posts I do not drink at all, I think I know where my depression came from. It was mostly about things happen in the past many years and it was and is still very difficult for me to leave it behind....I am trying to forget and forgive although I suppose because of my complicated childhood it is quite difficult and takes me time to learn. It was always difficult too to share my problems with people, I mean there were just too much to say and whenever I talk about it it was almost as if I was re-enacting the whole thing again, and that hurts. Anyway, I probably should also eat and sleep and excerise properly too if I am to try to make things alittle better. I did not know I have so much problem, I will try my best to work it out now, thanks.

[Groovy]

Glad to listen here

[IfiKnewThen]

hi withering

 

just wondering how you are doing and feeling?

will come by and check on posts when i can.

 

all i can say is that, when you are young ..and things feel or look bleak or hopeless, it is extremely hard to see that the future could be brighter. we all have one life to live. eventually we will all be off the face of the planet. so since we have this one life now, its actually a great idea to see how it really plays itself out. how it plays out to the end. we will all leave this earth because of the natural order of things. let the natural order take place. and see what happiness there will be for you out there : ).

 

i really do know what its like to be so depressed.. you almost feel like a vegetable. but haven't you had moments, little glimpses of happiness here and there? sometimes we don't even notice them when the over all picture seems so dark. but someday if you let it play itself out..you will have enough glimpses and moments tie together to be an actual happy and rewarding life. it not only comes to us here and there, but you have to recognize it and appreciate it when it does. and you have to embrace it with respect, to tie it all together. and don't dismiss it because there looks as though there is more bad than good at the time.

 

embrace the good. tell yourself when there is a good side...yes i see that side to it. i wont dismiss it and let the bad overshadow it. there can be so much hope future even though this time now might be horrible or feel horrible to you. you need to see what lies ahead by being here. and never give up just because it always seems bad or never ending. try to believe it will get better or that you can feel better one day at a time. let those times add up. hold on to those. heck write them down and don't concentrate on the bad. and when you are in the habit of recognizing the little pleasant things...state them. so that you wont forget them.

 

writing it down is really good, for the soul. make yourself better in some form one moment at a time. don't compare yourself to anyone else. just make your own personal progress each day. you are in control of that much. any personal achievement. most of our person achievements come from the inside. the way we think. so try to think it ways that heal you and help you and not hurt you. tell yourself good positive messages about something in the day. even if it's as simple as...i woke up today and saw a beautiful bird on the window sill. or i didn't put myself down. i made someone feel better to day. i made myself feel better today by watching a movie i have been wanting to see. i cant really explain this too well withering but its a pat on your own back for something or a pat on natures back..etc. look for the good in just about everything.

 

when we are down we need balance and have to reprogram thoughts so the feelings get reprogramed too. so little by little notice ANY good you can find. this is not supposed to make you instantly happy and solve problems but it PREPARES you for happiness and gradually can create some balance and perhaps control. not letting others bring you down. nor yourself. be patient as you can too with the rest of this crazy world. no one is perfect. there are other friends. other things to do. just safeguard yourself, by hanging out with people who are not self destructive and who can be as best of a friend as they can be.

 

dont expect too much of others. we are all not perfect and get overwhelmed ourselves. are immature, can be idiots, have our days. but this is your life so live it out till the end, because its an adventure and you might be veryyyyyyyyyyy pleasantly surprised how it can turn around in your favor. its hard when friends and family seem to betray us. or we feel they did from our perspective and life seems to lose its meaning, but the determinedly hopeful outlook we have today (which is really all we can deal with right now) can help in shaping a better tomorrow for us..and that is possible.

 

we cant control everything but we can try our best to create some form of inner harmony to overcome and further .......to enjoy. actually be content and satisfied. may try reading some books written by those who have lifted themselves out of despair through doing healthy healing things in life. i know seeing others in need can be a bummer too sometimes because its not pleasant. but it helps us to realize there is always someone out there worse off than us. for me, I look towards a spiritual higher power within my deepest prayers and thought ..one that translates love to you knowing i am not perfect but that i am loved and cared for inspite of that. even if your prayers are not always answered ...know that this source, cares that you are in pain and will bring something your way in the future.

 

you might need some medication whatever. i dont know. but all that i do know is that there are some things in the way of thought that are available to us. this is you one life here. you are entitled to live it out, just like the rest of us and why shouldnt you see the beauty that may be out there before you?

 

no matter how many times it seems useless, there is NO telling how that can turn around on a dime. you deserve to be there when that happens (and likely it will). you could meet the love of your life ..see your sweet children playing and singing...write a wonderful new song..write a book....you may have the most mundane life but may finally surround yourself with loving people around you. you may finally see that loving yourself is the very first step and tolerance the next. not tolerating abuse but understanding that it doesn't have to control you or steel your soul away or make you angry at the world...thats steeling your soul. you are a person who deserves to see it though with hope and promise like the rest of us. try to think of reasons why something is good everyday.

 

i am just a person passed this way and read your post, and wanted to say hang in there and people do care..even in their busy distracting lives. so try to remember the rest of us humans going about life, dont always realize the impact we have on others feelings. and when we do sometimes we are so clueless how to fix it. when it comes down to everything....love is the answer. theres just so much dysfunctional love going around. but let hope prevail and believe things can get better. let the whole thing play out.......... : ) some happiness will be around a corner someday worth being there to see feel experience. and if we are wise will cherish it with care for it with optimism.

 

i hope things are going better ..if not start to write down little things that did look good. hold on to that. someday there will be volumes of good. DO not let the bad we feel be the winner...we can turn to the good out there and tap into that feeling. till it becomes a way of life for us. i do try to do this myself. i have had success with this method. i hope and pray that if you have a chemical imbalance or even if you don't, that you will incorporate playing life out for all it is...and seeing it through and doing that by finding any good in your day and having hope in your heart for the future. that's your birth right.

 

thanks for allowing me to read...and remember myself...the good all around.

[paradox]

Withering just a couple of tips.When you are depressed try to avoid quite places, usually it only makes it worse. When I feel depressed about something I would try to go to places with lots of people..i don't know like bar or something, with my mates. I don't suggest getting drunk but having a laugh with your friends/ mates will surely cheer you up. Also I heard it's better to avoid coffee during that time, as it only makes it worse. And you know after rain there is always rainbow..well at least usually there is

[faux]

There was a time in my life when I used to cut myself. For the most part, I don't notice the scars; there are times that I do, and I have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me back then.

 

I tried to kill myself by overdosing on every pill I could find in my house, and I came very close to succeeding. When I was not feeling peaceful, fading out of reality, I was snapping back to the horror of my situation: feeling my vision fail and suddenly recover; losing and regaining my hearing; seeing flashes of nonexistent light when I would go blind again; losing my ability to speak, scream, even whimper for help; lapsing into a slight paralysis so that I could not move if I wanted to; feeling my heart stop here and there, then sputter up again; noticing my lungs would stop working; wondering if my heart was actually about to burst through my chest, or if I was just imagining it; generally freaking out very badly.

 

Things would get peaceful and everything would start to fade away, then I became aware of every system in my body starting to fail. If I jolted back I began to feel at peace for a few moments, until something else went wrong. Realizing that I could be dying was not something I had planned for. When I started to pop all of the pills, I figured I would pass out and just go. When my body was not working right, my body made me CLEARLY aware of it; it HURT. Badly.

 

I am lucky to have lived through that long night and to have come out of it with all senses intact. I don't care how bad my life gets; I am never going to think about killing myself, or hurting myself again. The human body is a very resilient thing, but I do not want to take that for granted again.

 

Feeling that you want to kill yourself is very different from feeling you trying to kill yourself.

 

Tell people who are in some position to help you how you feel.