I don't understand!

[Sad Flower]

Ok so on Saturday I attended a girl's get together. My XMM's two good friends were there (we all attended the same highschool so we all know eachother, even MM), so during the end of the night the topic of me and the MM came up. I was very surprised to learn that the two good friends were shocked that MM went back to his wife. They said the wife is a straight up B#%*, she is mean to MM, She is demanding and very commanding to him, they said they were miserable together and have been for years, they said he left her before and they said they refused to believe that MM was happy right now being back w/ his wife. They said all that MM ever said about me was good and positive things and that he loved me.

 

I was like WOW! I told them that awhile back I began to believe that the things MM told me about his wife were untrue that he just made them up to make me want to be with him. They said believe it because it was true, one of the girls even said she stayed over their home and witnessed for herself how miserable they were together.

 

So why did MM go back?? He does have a son with the girl but how could any man put up with that?? I don't understand! I'm confused all over again!

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Sad Flower

So why did MM go back?? He does have a son with the girl but how could any man put up with that?? I don't understand! I'm confused all over again!

 

Asking questions like this are a waste of time. No one will be able to tell you why he went back to his wife. We aren't in his head, we don't know his relationship and we will never be able to give you the real answer.

 

The relationship is over. It's time you stopped worrying about why he's with his wife and move on. He's with her for a reason and it's not your place to understand that reason. You're not his wife.

[Sad Flower]

Asking questions like this are a waste of time

 

And it's my time to waste so be it!

 

it's not your place to understand that reason

 

How could one say that! Damn straight it is my place to have understanding, I was dumped for that bitchy wife. Me a woman who was good to him.

 

He's with her for a reason

 

Well DUH and I'm trying to figure out why! Why he puts himself through that, maybe a MM may come across my post and have some understanding for me, maybe just maybe he was in the spot my XMM is in.

 

so please people who have something better to say to me please come forward, Thanks

[izzybelle]

asking questions is never a waste of time. sometimes just by saying them out loud we realize that we've already answered them for ourselves. we may always wonder why things are the way they are, and why they turned out the way they did. but there may not be any answer that we'll ever understand. and yes, sometimes there are answers we don't like.

 

i have my theories as to why exMM is still with his W. and i've asked him. and still, i don't completely understand and i never will. at times, i still wonder, and i still want to sit there and ask him why, over and over again. but what i've come to realize is that even though i still want to know why, the answer doesn't matter as much any more because i know that there is nothing i can do to change it. it is what it is. i thought at the beginning if i knew "why" i'd have a chance. then i thought if i knew, it would bring me closure, and some of the answers he gave me did give me that. but i know, and most days, have accepted that i will never completely understand.

[Pocky]

And it's my time to waste so be it!

 

And ours. You asked us, remember? You asked questions that none of us can answer. None of us know why he is with her. Regardless of how many hypothetical answers you get none of them will give you the truth you're looking for.

 

 

How could one say that! Damn straight it is my place to have understanding, I was dumped for that bitchy wife. Me a woman who was good to him.

 

You are not the wife. You are not the person married to him. What happens between him and his wife is none of your business. You're not first and your needs or feelings are not priority. That's why the role of the OW can suck so much because you really are not in a position to demand anything. You have no right to ask what happens in the marriage. As long as a man is married and stays with his wife she is the only person he has to answer to.

 

Well DUH and I'm trying to figure out why! Why he puts himself through that, maybe a MM may come across my post and have some understanding for me, maybe just maybe he was in the spot my XMM is in.

 

It will be nothing but a guessing game. Unless you can get the answer directly from him you'll never know what the answer is. So in the end all you'll get is a bunch of guesses from us which will confuse you even more and you'll spend more time trying to grasp why he made this decision if he was so unhappy. You'll spend hours tormenting yourself wondering why he left you and not her and you'll just perpetuate your own confusion.

 

My opinion - you'll never know the truth unless he tells you. Until that happens any effort expended on your part will distract from finding things that make you happy.

[kkat]

I think asking questions to yourself, the universe, others, can be helpful in this process, as long as you understand that you'll never be sure of the answers - even if the ex-MM gave them to you directly (since he might not even be fully conscious of why he made certain decisions and further, might not be able to be honest with himself, much less you, about the "reasons").

 

I know from my experience and that of others I've read about, talked to, and corresponded with on LS - and combined w/ what my ex-MM told me about his decision - there are many reasons:

 

1. Change is difficult and people are resistant to change. Human beings, as a rule, will stay in a bad situation, or a less-than-desirable situation, before they will go through the pain, trauma, and stress of a change. It's why we stay in less-than-ideal relationships (many of us OW are examples of this). It's why we stay in jobs we don't like, why we don't lose weight, stop smoking, live in a cluttered house, etc. Change is hard and we don't like it. Most people are "creatures of habit". And ending a marriage is a major change!

 

2. Even a "bad" marriage has security in it's history. That is very compelling, especially for the change-resistant.

 

3. Financial reasons are a major reason people stay married, in fact, it can be the single largest factor according to some things I have read. This goes for both the H and the W. The reality is that they are sharing the expenses in some fashion, most likely, of a shared residence, plus any assets they have built over their marriage, and by ending the marriage, they are splitting that in a fashion that generally leaves both parties worse off financially.

 

4. Children (not sure if your ex-MM has them).

 

5. Family and community ties, pressure, and the need to feel accepted by family, in-laws, and community. Divorce, in our society, often doesn't sync with the ideals of family and community.

 

6. Religious or cultural reasons.

 

7. Loves his wife - maybe isn't committed to her completely, maybe doesn't find her, or the union, perfect - but loves her nontheless.

 

8. The comfort factor - "the devil you know...." -

[goldy]

pocky-it was your choice to answer!!if you think its a waste of time, dont bother!

[Pocky]

Originally posted by goldy

pocky-it was your choice to answer!!if you think its a waste of time, dont bother!

 

Obviously, some people can't grasp what I'm saying. Obviously, you'd rather play tit-for-tat with the comments instead of considering whether or not my post has anything that may make sense. My approach is my approach for a reason and if you want to hold the hand of someone as they get ready to walk into a world of confusion then so be it, but that doesn't fit in with my role.

 

I'll clarify one more time so that you and anyone else that reads my post will understand. The relationship between an OW and a MM is one of the most confusing, draining and utterly devastating type of relationship that anyone can have. When someone has finally found the strength to move out of that relationship they are usually left with very little and are so exhausted that life seems almost unbearable.

 

The relationship that Sadflower was in has ended. She has been able to move forward and get away from something that would only continue to affect her negatively while this man kept her as the second women in his life and remained in his marriage. Now that she has moved forward, done what so many women struggle to do, she wants to retreat back into that world to try and understand why he did this. She wants to immerse herself into the very world of confusion she just left.

 

That is a waste of her time, of her mind, of her emotions and of her well-being. We will give her our thoughts and she will spend time processing them checking the boxes yes or no for reasons why he did this, but in the end when she tries to tally the score she be once again left with the question "why?"

 

So my advice is to walk away. Don't ask why. Don't wonder why. Don't distract yourself from the path that is going to make you move forward and away from something that could be detrimental to your happiness.

 

I see your time as too valuable to waste on a man that entered into a relationship with you while he was married. I see your time as too valuable to waste on someone that could not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I see your time too valuable to waste it on wondering why someone could claim they loved you, yet weren't with you. I see you as too valuable to waste on a married man.

[goldy]

well in that case, i agree.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think you should stop blaming yourself. Being good to someone does not equate to being right for someone. For whatever reason, no matter how good you were to this guy - he apparently feels that his wife is right for him, no matter how bad she is to him.

 

It's not your fault that he chose this. You can control how much you put into a relationship, but you have no control of what you'll get out of it. Should you put in gold, and get handed back a lump of coal - then you can't be faulted for that.

[Sad Flower]

pocky-it was your choice to answer!!if you think its a waste of time, dont bother!

 

THANKS GOLDY I AGREE WITH WHAT U SAID

 

KKAT Your reply/insight was very very helpful to me

 

Maybe you ladies can't tell me exactly what the MM is thinking but you don't need to tell me exactly, KKAT's reply

 

didnt't tell me exactly WHY but it helped me the way I needed to be helped.

 

I see your time as too valuable to waste on a man that entered into a relationship with you while he was married. I see your time as too valuable to waste on someone that could not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I see your time too valuable to waste it on wondering why someone could claim they loved you, yet weren't with you. I see you as too valuable to waste on a married man.

 

POCKY What you personally believe is a waste of time is fine for you but it isn't for me, all that you replied still isn't going to take away the burning questions of why that are inside my head. See the difference in KKAT's reply to yours it was more helpful.

[Illusion24]

POCKY have you ever been in love???? That's exactly the s*** EC was talking about...damn the woman needs support not a LECTURE

[Owl]

Define support. Is support in this instance meant as "advice and guidance to assist someone who is asking for help"? If so, then Pocky's reply was support. And in a lot of ways, valid.

 

Basically what Pocky was trying to say was that we can't give you any valid answer...anything anyone posts here is pure conjecture. The only way you'll KNOW would be to ask him. Which is what you're really aching to do. It's what you're tacitly coming here and asking for permission to do.

 

Pocky's got the right of it...do your best to stop worrying about him. Stop worrying about why in a situation that you can't change anyhow, and start focusing on healing yourself, and getting past this dead end relationship.

 

Her advice was strong, but well meant. Look at the meaning behind the words, and you'll see it yourself. If you want to. If you're really here just looking for permission to go ask your MM why, then again, nothing anyone here can say will help you.

[Illusion24]

I agree...but it's the way you say things not what you say!!

 

Yes valid reason # 1 no one can tell her why her husband went back...he's like most typical men they love woman who treat them like s***...but she wanted comfort and somewhat of an answer as to why he left to make herself feel as if she is not worthless...

 

If you're not going to say anything positive then don't say anything at all...you can get your point across truthfully without being aggressive and hurting someone feelings

[EC]

If you're really here just looking for permission to go ask your MM why, then again, nothing anyone here can say will help you.

 

 

 

To have somewhere to vent and just be listened to...sometimes thats all someone needs.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

POCKY have you ever been in love???? That's exactly the s*** EC was talking about...damn the woman needs support not a LECTURE

 

Let's clear something up now so that we're all on the same page. While you may expect that you have a right to demand what type of responses you want when you come to an open online forum, you don't. While you may expect that you have a right to exclude someone from posting a response to a question you post, you don't. I am not obligated to give you what you want to hear. I am not obligated to answer you in the way you want to be answered. If anyone is going to use an open online forum to ask questions then you need to understand that everyone and anyone has a right to answer and answer any way they decide to.

 

I did not give her a lecture. I explained that I felt what she was doing was detrimental to her well-being and I explained why I said this. Whether or not she agrees with me is not an issue for me. I don't care if she thinks what I write is valid or not. I don't care if she likes what I write or not. I don't care if she wants to completely ignore my post all together. However, you and no one else will force me into being silent because you decide you don't like what I had to say. You and no one else will censor what I say when I stay within the guidelines of this board.

 

All she has to simply do is state she does not agree with my post and that's the end of it. I did not attack her. I did not put her down. I did not call her names. I did not demean her in any way. I posted my opinion. I posted my thoughts and if anyone dislikes them they can ignore them and move on.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

I agree...but it's the way you say things not what you say!!

 

If you're not going to say anything positive then don't say anything at all...you can get your point across truthfully without being aggressive and hurting someone feelings

 

How in the world can you say that the following comment would make anyone feel worthless and hurt their feelings is beyond my understanding. Your response makes it appear as thought you didn't even bother to read what I wrote.

 

I see your time as too valuable to waste on a man that entered into a relationship with you while he was married. I see your time as too valuable to waste on someone that could not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I see your time too valuable to waste it on wondering why someone could claim they loved you, yet weren't with you. I see you as too valuable to waste on a married man.

[Owl]

Originally posted by EC

 

 

To have somewhere to vent and just be listened to...sometimes thats all someone needs.

 

 

In truth, that would be what someone WANTS....not actually what they NEED.

 

What she wants is validation. What she needs is to find a way to get into a healthy relationship, and not get tangled back up into an unhealthy one. Pocky's answer was intended to help her realize that...same with mine for that matter.

 

I don't know her, don't really know anyone here. And I'm not judging anyone.

 

And to "answer" the question as best as I might be able to:

 

He went back because she was his committed relationship. He'd made a commitment "for better or worse". He's emotionally invested YEARS into his relationship with her. She truly does know him (and he knows her) like no one else can, because of all those years. She's also the mother of his children, which brings it's own kind of bond. She's going to be part of his life REGARDLESS of what may have happened between the two of you, because of those children.

 

You were a dream to him. What he "dreams" of is a relationship that's not tangled up with all that history, of a relationship not really troubled with reality. His relationship with you didn't revolve around paying the bills, taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, dinner on the table, who had control of the television tonite. It wasn't based in any of those things. Since it was never marred by reality, it was "perfect". But all of us know that perfection is passing...and he realized that too. He finally understood that while you were his perfect dream, he still had to deal with reality. At the end of it all, he was still a father. He was still her husband. And if you want my final guess...he still loves her, even after all that they've been through...or should I say, BECAUSE of all they've been through.

[MsMree]

I just think that this is a case of "Fear of the Unknown" - sometimes it is easier to stay in a situation, job, house, etc. that you aren't necessarily happy in or with than it is to change that situation (i think this is especially true for "control-freaks" who cannot foresee the outcomes of certain things therefore leaving them w/very little control - does that make sense?).

 

I have been there -

 

I also want to tell you that i would be feel'g/think'g the exact same way as you are given the information you received from your mutual friends.

 

Be Strong!!

[SummerRae]

I completely agree with Owl's statements. Such a wise owl.

 

There are no magic answers. If there's anything I've learned from my past situation it's that.

 

I do believe that exMM once told me that I was "like a dream come true." DREAM being the operative word. Blood is definitely thicker than water and honestly, the more you distance yourself from this situation, the clearer the answers will appear to you.

 

I look back now, emotionally unattached, viewing the situation as one big learning situation. I learned too many things to list. I learned that to many people, marriage really does mean something. And to break that bond, let alone tear apart a family is one of the BIGGEST (if not the biggest) burdens to bear.

 

I often tried to imagine what I would do in a similar situation. By no means do I commend affairs or cheating. But for me, to get over a situation, I have to analyze it from all available angles. So I put myself in his shoes:

 

If I loved someone enough to marry them and then down the line after kids, bills, and the routine, I became bored with the situation, or perhaps needing a little feeding and tending to, and just so happened to meet someone who **appeared** to fill those needs, and perhaps succumbed to it--- Would I REALLY be able to break hearts? The answer is NO. Never. I would put my children's needs before my own. I believe that is often what parenthood is all about. I would likely try to restore my situation with my spouse and MAKE THE MOST OF IT. Afterall, I married them for a reason. And we all know that romance can fade over time if/when unattended to.

 

Understanding this side of it, made me accept things as they were and to somehow feel grateful for not being any part of a desolution of a family. I often thought of the "what-ifs" too. And honestly, I KNOW I could never deal with the guilt of hurting other people. Especially little people. He could do that on his own, but I could not and would not be a part of it.

 

Hope that gave you something.

 

PM me if u need to talk!

[kiababy]

My response to why does he stay with his wife...I'm an OW now but I was unhappily married for 9 loooooonnnnngggg years. I didn't get married because I loved my husband, I felt pressured by my mother because I was a 26 year-old single mom.

 

I knew it was a mistake even in the car on the way to the wedding in my beautiful dress, and I hated his stupid face, his voice his smell - everything about him. ...but I stayed with him and was faithful for 9 years and had TWO sons with him. And to top it off he was an abusive s**t to my daughter.

 

Why do unhappily married people stay together? I STILL DON'T KNOW. My point is: I stayed with someone I hated for 9 years. My MM and many, many others LOVE THEIR WIVES, even though they cheat for the excitement and the fantasy. I've never asked my MM why he stays with his wife, even though he's been cheating on her since high school. Despite the usual "she won't do this for me...she won't do that for me...", he loves her.

[Sad Flower]

WOW KIABABY, Thanks for you insight very much appreciated and it is beginning to make sense to me alot more and the way it all works, thanks Ladies!

[kiababy]

Any time

[AnonymousMM]

I've been married for 12 years and have been in touch with my first love for almost 3 years. I will leave my W for her. Sad Flower, don't think that because your MM "chooses" to stay with his W for now that he doesn't love you. The power of a first love is very, very strong. I thought I was happily married until my first love came back into my life. I tried to rationalize my reemerging strong feelings as "fantasy" or "just a dream", but after we met in person, I knew that my W never had my heart. I settled for her when I couldn't be with my first and true love. Guilt, duty and commitment made me stay with my W and kids for all this time since my reconnection with my first love. But it wasn't because I love my W - yes, I care for her and don't want to hurt her, but my heart yearns for my first love. I tried therapy and NC to "safe" my marriage, but it's clear that my heart just isn't into it - never really was, in retrospect. I'm staying for now because of my kids, not because I love my W. We've had our issues before, and I put up with it for the sake of the marriage, but no more. All I want is to be with first love. The only reason I haven't left yet is financial and the kids. But by the end of the year, I'll be gone. I'll continue to be the best father possible for my beloved children, but I need to be with my first love. The guilt towards my kids is immense, but what's the point of staying with someone when your heart aches for someone else? I no longer love my W.

 

Sad Flower, I'm sure your MM is going through the same turmoil as I did. Maybe he does love his W, maybe he's just staying because of finances, guilt, etc., but trust that his heart is yours. Many people are leaving their spouses for their first loves. You are not alone.

[Sad Flower]

WOW AnonymousMM We don't get many MM around here but I really appreciate the time you've taken to give me your advice and your insight, very interesting to hear what you have to say, thank you