I told my bf he says I love you too much, now he's punishing me

[seastar93]

He would say to me when we're skyping "I love you", so I'd say "I love you too" and almost before I'd even finished saying it he would say "I love you" again. Then, 5 minutes later, he would say "I love you I love you I love you I love you".

 

I don't want to sound ungrateful and I'm very lucky to be loved so much, and he means it well. And I love him too. But saying it that much was honestly starting to get extremely annoying and the words were starting to lose meaning for me.

 

So I told him how I felt about it. This was a couple of weeks ago. Now, the past couple of weeks, he hasn't said it at all. He only says "I love you too" when I tell him I love him. And he hasn't sent me kisses or really shown that he wants to spend time with me.

 

Today I tried to talk to him about it and asked if he'd changed because I told him he was saying it too much and he said yes. He said he doesn't feel like saying it if I don't want to hear it.

 

When I originally told him, I made it clear that it was just those times when he said it more than once like in the example I used that was a bit annoying. I tried to tell him that again today, that I do want to hear him tell me he loves me occasionally, and that I like hearing it.

 

Then he basically just repeated that he doesn't want to say it if I don't want to hear it, so I lost my cool (something I need to work on) and said I wasn't going to deal with this kind of **** and left the conversation.

 

But honestly I'm frustrated because I tried to be honest and explain it in the nicest way, and I feel like I did nothing wrong by telling him how I felt. Now it feels like he's being childish about it and punishing me for saying he says "I love you" too much, and now he's not going to say it at all or give me any sort of love and attention.

 

I honestly don't know what to say to fix this, I feel like I hurt him too much by telling him the truth and now he's "punishing" me.

 

I miss him because we haven't been spending a lot of time together lately and now he's completely offline. I don't want to be the one to cave first and break the silence and try to talk about it again, because it always seems to be me that has to fix things. But I don't want to be in some kind of power struggle about it either which is what it feels like a lot of the time - like who can stay silent the longest or something (and it's always him).

 

All I want is a little love and attention from my boyfriend, not this "I love you" a thousand times one minute and then total silence the next.

 

I need some objective opinions on this because I often find it hard to tell if I'm "right" or "wrong"... I know it's not really about "right" or "wrong" but it's just pissing me off I feel like he's acting like a child about this.

 

Am I justified in how I'm feeling? Should I be more understanding? What should I do/say to start an open and caring discussion with him?

[justwhoiam]

You made your bed, now you must lie in it.

 

You had a spontaneous boyfriend, and you killed the mood. Totally. Now he must refrain from being spontaneous with you, watching out not to annoy you. What do you think that feels like? Bad.

[Evening]

How much you wanna hear that? I know its necessary especially when you communicating via Internet. But I think the things he does for you are more important than saying those three magical words. For example when he always finds time for you, even when he is busy, takes care of you etc.. My point is, is that really important?

You both know that you are important to each other. You can say to him that you want to hear it every day or you feel more important when he says that to you ever day because right now you cannot be physically close.

 

Seems like you are overreacting and over thinking. Try not to. Try to calm down. If he is with you, he has strong feelings for you. Some people do know express their love every day in words because they do not find it necessary.

 

Also you should google about love languages. There are different love languages based on what we are used to in our childhood and what we've experienced in our past.

 

Take care and good luck!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Learn to pick your battles. Would it have really been that bad to live with being told, " I love you" constantly?

 

Sometimes, we live with the little annoying things that our partners do because we love them. We amuse them because we'd rather not hurt their feelings over something harmless.

 

Unfortunately, although unintended, you've now created a situation where your bf has associated saying those 3 words with your annoyance. Rather than blurting out, " I love you," whenever he feels it..he will stop himself, think if he's already said it too much and censor himself.

 

Although, it sounds like he is overreacting at this point, it's easy to understand that it's coming from a place of hurt and insecurity.

 

The damage is already done but perhaps, if you're willing, you can tell him that you made a mistake and appreciate the way he freely expresses his love and affection for you. I would apologize and tell him to please not change a thing....that you were wrong.

 

What do you think, OP? Sacrificing a bit of annoyance so that your bf feels free to be himself?

[anika99]

I'm on the fence with this one. I think the OP has a right to her feelings and she should have been able to have a rational discussion about it with her bf without it turning into such a huge drama. It is annoying to hear I love you 50 times a day and the person who says it 50 times a day usually isn't saying it out of love but they're saying it out of insecurity and neediness. They are desperate to hear it back so they keep saying it in order to manipulate the other person into saying it back. It's one of those weird subtle things people can do to annoy someone and nobody can address it because then they get all defensive and hurt and the other person just ends up feeling like a big meanie for even mentioning it.

 

 

It's like when someone teases or makes jokes at your expense but if you mention that you don't like it they turn it around and start calling you too sensitive or saying you have no sense of humor. Or the person who keeps doing you favors without being asked and then suddenly acts like they are owed even though their help was never asked for and maybe not even needed. How about the person who always makes a point of saying you're too fat or too thin or too busy or too lazy and then says "oh I'm just so concerned about you" Ya right. I know the words "I love you" are not normally annoying or insulting but I think the OP, being on the receiving end of the constant barrage of "I love you's" had a gut feeling that something was off about that and I think she's right. He's not doing that out of feeling love for her, it's coming from his own neediness and insecurity.

 

 

So all that being said, I guess I'm not really on the fence at all. I think the OP should seriously think about this guy and be somewhat concerned with how he handles conflict because to me he seems needy and childish and I think the OP is looking at a lifetime of being unable to discuss her feelings with him unless she sticks to telling him what he wants to hear and what makes him feel good.

[Tayla]

He is a wise man. You asked him to respect you and your view point and he did. For him to remain consistent is a man of wisdom. He is not playdough for you to form and decide what words he can say and how often. you cannot mandate spontaniety. you are probably for the first time accountable for cleaning up a mess that you initiated. you could have approached this in a way that embraced his love without stifling it. No one said you were wrong in how you feel, it was how you approached it that resulted in this current stance. Live and learn. Now go eat some humble pie and embrace the goodness your relationship is founded upon. you can both grow from this.

[cerridwen]

I'm on the fence with this one. I think the OP has a right to her feelings and she should have been able to have a rational discussion about it with her bf without it turning into such a huge drama. It is annoying to hear I love you 50 times a day and the person who says it 50 times a day usually isn't saying it out of love but they're saying it out of insecurity and neediness. They are desperate to hear it back so they keep saying it in order to manipulate the other person into saying it back. It's one of those weird subtle things people can do to annoy someone and nobody can address it because then they get all defensive and hurt and the other person just ends up feeling like a big meanie for even mentioning it.

 

 

It's like when someone teases or makes jokes at your expense but if you mention that you don't like it they turn it around and start calling you too sensitive or saying you have no sense of humor. Or the person who keeps doing you favors without being asked and then suddenly acts like they are owed even though their help was never asked for and maybe not even needed. How about the person who always makes a point of saying you're too fat or too thin or too busy or too lazy and then says "oh I'm just so concerned about you" Ya right. I know the words "I love you" are not normally annoying or insulting but I think the OP, being on the receiving end of the constant barrage of "I love you's" had a gut feeling that something was off about that and I think she's right. He's not doing that out of feeling love for her, it's coming from his own neediness and insecurity.

 

 

So all that being said, I guess I'm not really on the fence at all. I think the OP should seriously think about this guy and be somewhat concerned with how he handles conflict because to me he seems needy and childish and I think the OP is looking at a lifetime of being unable to discuss her feelings with him unless she sticks to telling him what he wants to hear and what makes him feel good.

 

I agree with a lot of this.

 

If his response to criticism is to take the extreme positon of then NEVER saying it?

I seriously question his maturity.

 

I understand he likely feels hurt and reluctant to be vulnerable but it appears he's equally interested in punishing you, OP.

Especially given his history of sulking until you do the approaching.

 

Yes, you're justified in how you're feeling. I think the annoyance has been building awhile within you--thats a lot of incessant ILYs!

Im extremely tactile and verbal and even I find it annoying.

 

Approach him with, "I know you're likely hurt by what I said the other day. I'm sorry that it came across as harsh. I would like to talk and explain a little more. And also hear how you're feeling about it."

Edited November 9, 2014 by cerridwen

[evanescentworld]

Yes, I'm on board with the 'needy immature' guy thing too. In fact, just reading the first post made me think "Ugh, please, quit being so clingy!"

 

OP, could we know how old you guys are....?

[bathtub-row]

I think he's being very childish, and the continual ILY's would get on my nerves after awhile, too.

 

I used to date a guy who was so obsessed with me that he would actually follow me into my room when I went to the restroom. Finally, I talked to him about it and he laughed when I told him, realizing that he was crowding me. He stopped doing it. But, the truth is, he was very dependent on me and constantly wanted me to make decisions. It eventually got on my nerves because everything fell on me. Even something as simple as where we would go out to eat.

 

He was a nice guy but way too needy and way too focused on me. Our relationship actually fell apart because I told him that because I was going through a divorce and having trouble dealing with being a single mom and needed one weekend a month to myself. He took this to mean that I didn't want to be around him anymore. Even though I then told him that if it was that big of a deal to him, then forget it. It wasn't worth losing our relationship over. None of this appeased him. I had apparently driven the nail in the coffin and there was no room for forgiveness for this. In retrospect, I know that I wasn't asking for too much and I shouldn't have had to retract what I was asking for. He sulked for about 2 wks after that and then I broke up with him.

 

The fact that your boyfriend doesn't think about what you said, jumped to conclusions, and is now acting like a 2-yr-old is not a good sign. It sounds like he's more interested in what he wants to do, opposed to being interested in how you feel about what he does. He's way too needy and controlling if you ask me.

Edited November 9, 2014 by bathtub-row

[LittleTiger]

A mature relationship involves both people being able to talk about something that bothers them - and both people finding an amicable and mutually beneficial solution.

 

You were right to bring this up - it was his chance to find out what would work better for you. Instead he chose to back off.

 

There's no doubt it's difficult when the thing that annoys you is something the other person does with enthusiastic spontaneity but, if it's not something you can tolerate long term, and the other person can't (or won't) make changes, it just means you're not compatible as a couple.

 

I would talk to him again - if he won't meet you half way....sorry but I'd call it quits.

[lollipopspot]

Lots of good advice in this thread. Try to talk to him - more important than about the "I love yous," the conversation should be about how you can both deal with conflict without breaking the relationship.

 

Have the conversation. But if you want to walk it back just a little bit and make it easier for him to say "I love you" again spontaneously (knowing that he ought best to hold it in just a little) - you could start saying "I love you" more, but do it in a funny way or unexpected time. YOU be a little more spontaneous about it to break the ice for him. It actually doesn't sound as though he was spontaneous though, so much as persistent.

[justwhoiam]

In other words: (some) women are never happy with anything.

 

And double wow at the plot about manipulating one's partner by saying 'I love you' too much when two people are so far apart. Clapping hands. Good for some B thriller movie.

[CainJ]

I'm on the fence with this one. I think the OP has a right to her feelings and she should have been able to have a rational discussion about it with her bf without it turning into such a huge drama. It is annoying to hear I love you 50 times a day and the person who says it 50 times a day usually isn't saying it out of love but they're saying it out of insecurity and neediness. They are desperate to hear it back so they keep saying it in order to manipulate the other person into saying it back. It's one of those weird subtle things people can do to annoy someone and nobody can address it because then they get all defensive and hurt and the other person just ends up feeling like a big meanie for even mentioning it.

 

 

It's like when someone teases or makes jokes at your expense but if you mention that you don't like it they turn it around and start calling you too sensitive or saying you have no sense of humor. Or the person who keeps doing you favors without being asked and then suddenly acts like they are owed even though their help was never asked for and maybe not even needed. How about the person who always makes a point of saying you're too fat or too thin or too busy or too lazy and then says "oh I'm just so concerned about you" Ya right. I know the words "I love you" are not normally annoying or insulting but I think the OP, being on the receiving end of the constant barrage of "I love you's" had a gut feeling that something was off about that and I think she's right. He's not doing that out of feeling love for her, it's coming from his own neediness and insecurity.

 

 

So all that being said, I guess I'm not really on the fence at all. I think the OP should seriously think about this guy and be somewhat concerned with how he handles conflict because to me he seems needy and childish and I think the OP is looking at a lifetime of being unable to discuss her feelings with him unless she sticks to telling him what he wants to hear and what makes him feel good.

This is one of the only sensible replies in this thread. A lot of you are being unreasonably, idiotically vindictive towards the OP. Perhaps one of you are the insecure, needy, 50+-times-a-day "I love you" emitters in the relationship. I did that crap once. Five years ago. It took me a while to self-reflect and understand the annoyance in that.

[anika99]

In other words: (some) women are never happy with anything.

 

And double wow at the plot about manipulating one's partner by saying 'I love you' too much when two people are so far apart. Clapping hands. Good for some B thriller movie.

 

LOL..you might think we are a bunch of big meanies who don't like hearing we are loved but I suspect this is because you have not had a lot of relationship experience.

 

 

There are people in this world who are not necessarily bad people but who have issues, actually we all have some issues, and those issues will spill over into our relationships. Especially our romantic relationships.

 

 

Some people can be the most sweetest, most helpful, kindest people you have ever met. They are always quick to compliment, be helpful, lend assistance, show affection etc... But after you spend some time with them you start to feel strangely controlled by this sweet unsuspecting person. You find that their feelings get hurt easily and so you have to walk on eggshells around them. You start to feel suffocated by them, yet everytime you try to talk to them honestly about your feelings, they react by becoming overly angry, punitive or tearful. They talk about how much you hurt them just by your honesty, they talk about how everything they do they do for you. In no time you no longer feel free to be spontaneous, open and honest because you have worry all the time about this poor sweet person's delicate little feelings.

 

 

Have you ever experienced a person a like that? Because until you have personally dealt with this you won't understand it and you will sympathize with the gentle sweet controller. That's actually another trick up their sleeve, they can easily garner sympathy from others. Now I'm not saying the OP's BF is one of these people but he is definitely showing strong signs of it. Oh and there is nothing spontaneous about saying the same thing over and over again every single day, that's actually the opposite of spontaneity.

[justwhoiam]

LOL..you might think we are a bunch of big meanies who don't like hearing we are loved but I suspect this is because you have not had a lot of relationship experience.

1) Not meanie. Fussy.

2) I'm not sure about 'relationship experience'. Is it about quantity of partners? Or years under your belt? I didn't have MANY partners, no, I only picked a few. I'm for LTRs. But a few decades in relationships. And anyway, age also brings experience. Along with hundreds of social interactions and getting to know people from different backgrounds and walks of life.

 

Some people can be the most sweetest, most helpful, kindest people you have ever met. They are always quick to compliment, be helpful, lend assistance, show affection etc... But after you spend some time with them you start to feel strangely controlled by this sweet unsuspecting person.

I don't figure out an evil scheme about someone I don't know, just because he was being spontaneous. With the information I have from the OP, I don't come to your same conclusions. I value spontaneity way too much to kill it in any way. If I really don't like the way he is, it just means he's a bad match for me.

 

Have you ever experienced a person a like that?

A manipulator? A smooth talker? Someone like that wouldn't get anywhere with me. Because I'm not the flirty type. But that doesn't mean I never met anyone like that. I just didn't start any relationship with them.

 

Oh and there is nothing spontaneous about saying the same thing over and over again every single day, that's actually the opposite of spontaneity.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. People feel the way they feel. It's not up to you to judge what they should say, how, when and how often. But also remember that when you're thousands of miles away from a loved one, for months in a row, words are almost the only thing you have. I'm not willing to justify anyone for their behavior, or judge if it's appropriate or not. But I can be understanding. Experience also taught me that almost nothing is forever. So a phase is just a phase and should be cherished if it's an up phase. It was. Not anymore, apparently. And if you turn an up phase into a down phase is never a good thing.

 

Also, if you start getting annoyed just 2 months in, it must mean something.

[anika99]

1) Not meanie. Fussy.

2) I'm not sure about 'relationship experience'. Is it about quantity of partners? Or years under your belt? I didn't have MANY partners, no, I only picked a few. I'm for LTRs. But a few decades in relationships. And anyway, age also brings experience. Along with hundreds of social interactions and getting to know people from different backgrounds and walks of life.

 

 

Good Point. It's not really about quantity but perhaps more about years of experience because as we age we become wiser to people.

 

I don't figure out an evil scheme about someone I don't know, just because he was being spontaneous. With the information I have from the OP, I don't come to your same conclusions. I value spontaneity way too much to kill it in any way. If I really don't like the way he is, it just means he's a bad match for me.

 

 

I didn't say anything about anyone thinking up an evil scheme. Please don't make stuff up about what I said. Most needy controlling people aren't even aware of what they are doing. There is nothing evil about it.

 

Again I don't consider saying the same thing over and over again every day being spontaneous. That's being predictable.

 

A manipulator? A smooth talker? Someone like that wouldn't get anywhere with me. Because I'm not the flirty type. But that doesn't mean I never met anyone like that. I just didn't start any relationship with them.

 

 

No where in my post did I mention smooth talkers or flirty people. It's like you didn't read what I said at all.

 

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. People feel the way they feel. It's not up to you to judge what they should say, how, when and how often. But also remember that when you're thousands of miles away from a loved one, for months in a row, words are almost the only thing you have. I'm not willing to justify anyone for their behavior, or judge if it's appropriate or not. But I can be understanding. Experience also taught me that almost nothing is forever. So a phase is just a phase and should be cherished if it's an up phase. It was. Not anymore, apparently. And if you turn an up phase into a down phase is never a good thing.

 

 

An up phase and a down phase? I'm not sure what you're talking about here. A healthy relationship should include open and honest communication. If the OP cannot be authentic and discuss her feelings with her BF without him turning on her and punishing her then who cares about up phases? If the OP has to grit her teeth and stuff her feelings then it's not an up phase anyways.

 

Are you understanding? I didn't see you extend any understanding to the OP of this thread and she's the one that posted here and will be reading the replies. She's the one who will be affected by your words and you were quite judgemental and unkind to her. Telling her that she made her bed and must lie in it. You completely invalidated her feelings.

 

Also, when you debate, you will find people a lot more open to what you have to say if you refrain from resorting to telling them their opinions are ridiculous. I never cut you down that way. It's quite funny how you say it's not up to me to judge what people can say or how or when they say it, yet you judged me for my words and you judged the OP for her words and feelings.

 

Also, if you start getting annoyed just 2 months in, it must mean something.

 

Sorry I'm not sure what you are referring to. Did the OP say this was only 2 months into the relationship? I must of missed that.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

LOL..you might think we are a bunch of big meanies who don't like hearing we are loved but I suspect this is because you have not had a lot of relationship experience.

 

 

There are people in this world who are not necessarily bad people but who have issues, actually we all have some issues, and those issues will spill over into our relationships. Especially our romantic relationships.

 

 

Some people can be the most sweetest, most helpful, kindest people you have ever met. They are always quick to compliment, be helpful, lend assistance, show affection etc... But after you spend some time with them you start to feel strangely controlled by this sweet unsuspecting person. You find that their feelings get hurt easily and so you have to walk on eggshells around them. You start to feel suffocated by them, yet everytime you try to talk to them honestly about your feelings, they react by becoming overly angry, punitive or tearful. They talk about how much you hurt them just by your honesty, they talk about how everything they do they do for you. In no time you no longer feel free to be spontaneous, open and honest because you have worry all the time about this poor sweet person's delicate little feelings.

 

 

Have you ever experienced a person a like that? Because until you have personally dealt with this you won't understand it and you will sympathize with the gentle sweet controller. That's actually another trick up their sleeve, they can easily garner sympathy from others. Now I'm not saying the OP's BF is one of these people but he is definitely showing strong signs of it. Oh and there is nothing spontaneous about saying the same thing over and over again every single day, that's actually the opposite of spontaneity.

 

 

This. Effing this! All of it. ALL. THE. WAY!

[evanescentworld]

Absolutely seconded! had one of these "monsters" at school. She was so good at it, she even managed to get some teachers to behave in a submissive way!

[IfiKnewThen]

i see the OP hasnt written back with updates. i hope youre ok. i think your question was how you can open up a sensitive dialog with him about what was said recently to him.

 

i would just tell him you love him. and that you were feeling overwhelmed. and that we say things we dont mean during those times and you miss his expression of love.

 

and that he should never feel he has to over compensate or under compensate.

that balance is good. but if he wants to shower you with love, you rather that, then him stifling himself and any love between you both.

 

and pls know that with long distance...we have to work harder at it and thats all hes doing. he might have gone over board...but tell him, he doesnt need extreme behavior now to NOT say it or feel inhibited. and tell him your sorry..........................(once)