Firemantx Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 First a quick overview of us. We met back in 2005. She was recently divorced from her first marriage that ended in big time bad abuse. That marriage produced one kid. She has one more kid from her college days with that dad who is has not ever been involved. About 6 months after dating she let me meet the kids. Ever since that day I have been the oldest "dad" and the youngest "stepdad". Relationship progressed well minus a few roadbumps that will come up later in this post. We got married 10-10-10 and its been great until recently. 6ish months prior to getting married she went out with a "model" single girlfriend and partied till the sun came up. I let her have girls night the same as I get guy night but we never stay out that late. Its normally a few hours to watch the game and then we are home. But on her way home she called me absolutely and completely drunk while she drives home at 5am. She tells me she and her friend ended up in a guys Frat house by SMU in Dallas. She swears nothing happened and her friend wont say a peep. But she likes bars I know this. She is a social butterfly and can get lost in conversation with people. I have had talks with her about I feel it is not appropriate for a married women to be hanging at a bar alone for all hours of the night. This always ends in you dont trust me stuff. But its been fine for a year i think now. Now to the reason I made this post. The past 2 weeks I have been at home with a broken elbow. So she has been working extra shifts. She has started talking about a boy from work. Then on Halloween lends this guy my old bunker gear to wear (again this is not a big dead) but she wont tell me who it is. Then after her shifts when she gets off 7pm she has not been coming home till midnight. This is alerting me so I check the call and text logs on our service website. I figure who this boy is and she has been working with him. I let it go. I plan a good romantic night for her last extra shift yesterday. This time I got no call or text during the day. Her deactivation time comes and goes at 7pm. Its now 11pm with no indication as to where she is. I log into her online time clock and she that she did indeed clock out at 7pm but that boy gets off at 11pm. At 1130 i text her asking how many late calls they gave her. She responds its been crazy and she is fixing to leave. But I know she has been off the clock for 4 hours now. I drive to her favorite watering hole but she is not there. I return home and go to sleep. She comes in pretty drunk at 330am. She tried to initiate sex (which is normal for her and not out of the ordinary) I know she was texting that boy until 3am and infact they have texted each the 181 times in the past 3 days. We get into a big disagreement and she falls asleep. She deleted her call logs and his text messages. So I have a few things known to me now. #1 She is lying about work #2 She is hiding/deleting her text messages and call logs #3 She is hiding the identity of that boy What do yall think? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) I think you know exactly what is going on. Sorry to say it's pretty obvious she is cheating. Firstly you can call the service provider to get logs of what the text messages said. But the mere fact that she has deleted them, shows that there is something very incriminating in there. Then here's what you should do. Wait until you've got an hour or so to talk (ie. not just before she goes to work). Tell her you KNOW what is going on with Mr. Guy (use his name, it will shock her that you know it). Even if you couldn't get text logs, or if the logs don't prove physical cheating, you'll be in a very strong position to bluff so just go for it. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her how you got the information. Don't let the conversation go in that direction. Just stick to the topic of what she has done and if she asks how just say you just know. She will of course, lie lie lie lie lie (they always do). So you have to grow some major balls here and stick to your guns. Say you KNOW what is going on and you KNOW she is lying, and she might as well admit it because you already know EVERYTHING. Probably she will say well if you know everything then there's no point me saying it - tell her that she is your wife and you want her to tell you in her own words. Now maybe she will throw you some small tidbits like yeeeaahh she got drunk with this guy, maybe acted a bit flirty whatever. But you need to stick to your guns and say you KNOW everything, and you KNOW that that is not all that happened. Slowly she will reveal more, maybe they kissed once or something. Again stick to your guns and press for the truth. Eventually when you bust down all the doors, you will get to the bottom of this. Then cut her off from all joint finances (freeze joint accounts, cancel joint credit cards), make her up a bed on the couch (or better ask her to leave the house - although you can't legally force her to leave), see a lawyer, and tell her to expect divorce papers. Full force shock and awe is the best way to knock her out of the affair fog, show her the consequences of her actions, and that you will not be a doormat. Edited November 7, 2014 by PegNosePete 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Don't know why you are asking what we think. Anyone who reads what you wrote that went last fourth grade knows you have a major problem on your hands . She is cheating. There is no doubt about it. You said it correctly. There is something wrong when a married woman regularly needs to go out without her husband with a bunch of other women, some of whom are acting like it is spring break. And there is a lot of literature that states that these "boys night out" and "girls night out" are among the most toxic things to marriages. Your wife is constantly putting herself in a environment where she will be surrounded by other men without you around. And her boundaries with men have now been transferred to her work environment and hence you are in a real hole. Workplace affairs are hard to stop and hard to detect but she has not done a good job of hiding it. There are things you can do but until you decide what you can live with and tell her you will not stay married to her if she continues, you will not stop her behavior. Right now, you are in an open relationship, one sided, and not of your choosing. Only you can extricate yourself from this situation and "nicing" her back will get you nowhere. She has already crossed line Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 The only red flags missing are, sexy under garments you have never seen her wear and extra special attention she is now giving to the appearance of her private parts. Everything else says she's doing something very disrespectful to you. Spouse's lie because they know you would probably leave them if you knew the truth. Set boundaries, end girl night/boy night outs, act like a couple. Tell her that you expect the truth about her activities and will not stay in a relationship with someone that lies and keeps secrets from you. You have enough information to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want with your wife. Get rid of the facilitators, they are not friends of the marriage, associate with people that like both of you. You already know what is going on or you wouldn't be here asking us what we think, your looking for second opinions because infidelity makes you doubt the obvious. She gets off at 7 a.m. and comes home 8 hours later at 3 a.m. really? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Firemantx Posted November 7, 2014 Author Share Posted November 7, 2014 Its not that I didn't know. I just wanted to make sure I am not out of line. Major cellphone carrier says they store the text message contents for 48 hours and then deletes them. They also said I need a subpoena to get them. And yes coming home 8 hours later is insane. I tried to explain in the past that if I did that she would be furious but she denies that saying "go have fun." She just walked out to the living room and tried to be lovey and I told her we need to have a talk. She got insanely furious and went back to the room. Its just upsetting I guess. Work as much as I do to provide the life I had growing up instead of hers for her kids who have flourished to now be treated like this. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I sure as hell don't think you're making too much of things. In fact, from my vantage point I'd say you have plenty of evidence of a physical affair. You may want more evidence before you pull the trigger. That's where this thread comes in: Standard Evidence Post There's a lot of information there; pick and choose what suits you. But again, I think you have enough on which to base some hard decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 She just walked out to the living room and tried to be lovey and I told her we need to have a talk. She got insanely furious and went back to the room. Try again, but this time say "if you want to save our marriage, we need to talk". If she repeats the same performance, just see a lawyer and file for divorce, as well as cutting off joint finances,making up the spare bed for her (not you!), etc. At least you're thinking logically and acting sensibly, which is a heck of a lot better than many in your position. Good luck dude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Stop confronting. Play stupid and compliant. Quietly investigate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 She just walked out to the living room and tried to be lovey and I told her we need to have a talk. She got insanely furious and went back to the room. Get ready for "gaslighting", defined as "presenting false information with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity." In other words, she's going to tell you the problem isn't her actions, it's your attitude towards them. When it starts, it will just be further proof of what you already know... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 all the signs are there man you already know whats up. Some phones still keep a message of the call log and she might not know about it. I know the Samsung galaxy 4 and galaxy 5 have a separate copy that is kept. on the galaxy 4 even if the text messages are deleted, if you go under contacts, and look up the specific contact, there is a "history" option in the menu and that keeps a separate log. That is how I caught my ex and her boss texting. The galaxy 5 is similar but slightly different, I forgot how exactly on that one tho. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 I'm sorry but yes its cheating and she showed you who she was 6 months before she got married. WTH is wrong with people. If you're going to go elsewhere, get out of the marriage first. This isn't her first time in my opinion, you have some hard choices - good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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