Jump to content

Marriage resulting from emotional affair - end happier?

usernameshere

By usernameshere
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

usernameshere Member

usernameshere

Posted
Posted

Has anyone divorced and ultimately ended up with a person they'd fallen in love with for years during their first marriage (with or without a physical component)?

 

I know the VAST majority of these instances crash and burn, wondering if anyone has ended up happily married after?

TrustedthenBusted Established Member

TrustedthenBusted

Posted
Posted

I'm sure its happened, but it would pay to understand the dynamics of WHY so many crash and burn in the first place.

 

 

You are talking about your "best friend" and confidante from your earlier post. There is always a chance, but you really need to ask yourself...are you REALLY in love with this guy? How do you know? It's very easy for someone to look like the perfect partner when you only see them once in awhile, aren't attached to them financially, or have to deal with them on a day to day basis. Friends aren't as emotionally invested in your life the way a spouse is, and really, will win that competition almost every time.

 

Until you marry them, they get used to you, begin to find some of your little nuances annoying, and you find a NEW best friend and confidante.

 

There are no fairytales. Only people willing to work on making a marriage work.

goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

Posted
Posted

Yes, we did. We have known one another most of our adult lives but our actual affair was not very long. We have been together for a while now. We are really happy. ;)

harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted

How is your ex and his ex? Are they happy?

merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted (edited)
Has anyone divorced and ultimately ended up with a person they'd fallen in love with for years during their first marriage (with or without a physical component)?

 

 

Considering your priorities and actions in the first marriage, odds are not good, not good at all for ending "up happily married after" in the second - with anyone.

 

Work on yourself before you enter into any more relationships.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge
AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted

Some do....some don't.

 

I didn't even need to use google to figure that out.

 

From reading here....those with the greater chance of success are those that dealt with the issue of their infidelity in their prior relationship.

 

Anyways....happier is subjective.

 

Often times...the WSS ends up with a spouse who not only will defend cheating...they actually will justify the cheating in the prior marriage. I imagine that would make a WS feel better/happier about themselves.

 

Now...is it healthy? That is an entirely different question.

  • Like 4
Striver Established Member

Striver

Posted
Posted

Doesn't happen real often. Three scenarios where I think it might be possible, based on reading this board:

 

1) The affair dynamic is kept alive by both partners well into the relationship. The partners succeed in demonizing one of the BSes long into the relationship. See it on the OM/OW board all of the time, the defenders of the affairages bring up one of the exes constantly as justification.

 

2) The partners are very narcissistic, want what they want and simply can tune out everything else.

 

3) The partners become born-again Christians or something similar and use that to segment off the affair into a "sinful past" that doesn't impact the good people they are today.

  • Like 3
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted

Statistically Affairriages end up in divorce.

 

 

Why do you think the saying through time still is repeated: they will cheat with you the will cheat on you?

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted (edited)

usernamehere,

my ex-husband is still married to his AP after 10+ years.

 

They got married 4 years after I divorced him when she was was pregnant, so I suspect she forced his hand.

 

The reasons I believe they are still together ( not necessarily happily BTW) is because she has tied herself in knots to make it work (while he coasts along).

 

She was his employee at a factory where he worked. Had she married someone off the factory floor she'd be living in a two-up two-down somewhere and scratting around for every penny.

Being hooked up with a manager gives her the lifestyle she wanted and she was prepared to ditch any morals she may have had to get it. She also isn't going to rock the boat by asking he do too much apart from funding her lifestyle. So he can sit on his backside and watch TV while she does all the domestic tasks and works p/t.

 

He is now with a woman that doesn't expect too much from him intellectually, who is dependent on him financially and can't leave him, no matter how badly he treats her. He has control over her, and can feel superior to her which pumps up his shaky ego.

He obviously felt threatened in the marriage by a woman like me who was smart, intelligent and earned more than he did. (makes me wonder why he did pick me, but there you are...)

 

He demonised me to her, saying I was unloving, bad-tempered, had no time for him and had "let myself go".

So, having been told this, she needs to be the perfect wife. No matter how tired she is with 2 kids and a p/t job, she must always be immaculately turned out, the house spotless, with his meals always on time. She must never nag him or get cross with him etc etc.

She fears that if she fails, then he might cheat on her as, after all, he's already done that before, right? :rolleyes:

 

The strain is already showing as she's been hospitalised twice for depression and has had at least one suicide attempt that I know of.

 

I have no idea whether he's cheated again, but either way she's made her bed....

Edited by Arieswoman
  • Like 1
howcouldInotknow Established Member

howcouldInotknow

Posted
Posted

My dad is married to his former affair partner. It's been at least 8 years. My sister and I do not blame her for the demise of my parents marriage nor do we demonized her. To be honest she is a far better fit for my dad than my mom was. This is what sucks about loveshack only one side of the situation tends to be represented here. Not all people who have an affair and leave their marriage for their AP are miserable.

  • Like 7
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Has anyone divorced and ultimately ended up with a person they'd fallen in love with for years during their first marriage (with or without a physical component)?

 

I know the VAST majority of these instances crash and burn, wondering if anyone has ended up happily married after?

 

I'm not sure how you're qualifying "happily ever after" but we've been M for several years now, far longer than the A lasted, and it just gets better and better.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

I wonder if it depends on the reasons for the cheating.

 

Unhappy wife/husband coasts along in a marriage, not enough confidence/reasons to leave, gets a bit too close to work colleague/friend or hooks up with someone on a night out, ends up in an affair, finds they are compatible and then WS has the courage to leave unhappy marriage.

 

I would guess that scenario is more likely to succeed long term, than serial cheaters who end up being thrown out of marital homes and end up together.

howcouldInotknow Established Member

howcouldInotknow

Posted
Posted

My dad's wife was sent for a reason. My parents would have both stayed forever in their marriage because they were comfortable. Neither person was happy. Had my dad affair not happened neither would have left and they would have lived the rest of their lives empty and miserable.

  • Like 1
violet1 Established Member

violet1

Posted
Posted
My dad is married to his former affair partner. It's been at least 8 years. My sister and I do not blame her for the demise of my parents marriage nor do we demonized her. To be honest she is a far better fit for my dad than my mom was. This is what sucks about loveshack only one side of the situation tends to be represented here. Not all people who have an affair and leave their marriage for their AP are miserable.

I know of a few couples who started out as an affair and are still going strong. In all of these cases though, the affair was not long-term and the fact their relationship started out as an affair is still discussed. Hell my uncle left his wife for his married neighbor 20+ years ago and their affair is still a big discussion within the family to this day.

  • Like 1
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted
I know of a few couples who started out as an affair and are still going strong. In all of these cases though, the affair was not long-term and the fact their relationship started out as an affair is still discussed. Hell my uncle left his wife for his married neighbor 20+ years ago and their affair is still a big discussion within the family to this day.

 

Agree about the affairs being a short-term step to the end game. I've known people inadventently blow up their LTRs with affairs who never intended to be with the AP long-term. I've only known one affair that ended up in a LTR and in that case it was whirlwind - they met, went out a few times for a meal, started a sexual relationship and he told his wife he was divorcing her, all in the space of about 3 months. Because the marriage really was dead and he wanted out. As far as I can tell they are happy.

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

Posted
Posted

Most healthy partners would not date someone who was already committed to another person. With that being said, most OM/OW are pretty desperate people who are willing to settle on a cheaters. The cheater being the narcissist and the the OM/OW being the co-dependent can usually pull of a relationship for a certain amount of time as long as no one rocks the boat. The cheater ends up in a powerful position over the OM/OW because they have already demonstrated their willingness to destroy other relationships and people to get what they want.

  • Like 3
howcouldInotknow Established Member

howcouldInotknow

Posted
Posted

I find that a lot of women here like to point fingers at the OW when in fact the husbands make themselves available to the OW. I am a big believer that no one can steal a man or ruin a marriage. That marriage was ruined from the moment your husband approached the OW. Calling the OW pathetic or whatever is unnecessary. Most married men in affairs lie the a**es off. Seriously we all like to says he should have walked away, but you never know what's being said. Like my dad's wife I am certain he wasn't honest from the beginning. But here they are all these years later happier than I've ever seen my dad even when he was with my mom. The affair with my step mother was quite a lengthy one too.

violet1 Established Member

violet1

Posted
Posted
I find that a lot of women here like to point fingers at the OW when in fact the husbands make themselves available to the OW. I am a big believer that no one can steal a man or ruin a marriage. That marriage was ruined from the moment your husband approached the OW. Calling the OW pathetic or whatever is unnecessary. Most married men in affairs lie the a**es off. Seriously we all like to says he should have walked away, but you never know what's being said. Like my dad's wife I am certain he wasn't honest from the beginning. But here they are all these years later happier than I've ever seen my dad even when he was with my mom. The affair with my step mother was quite a lengthy one too.

I hope your mom is happier now too. I understand what you're saying. I'm speaking as a former WW who met her XMM online. I chatted with several MM's and it's a lot harder for a man than it is for a woman to find an affair. Without a willing participant, there would be no affair. Whether an MM or an MW lies to an OW/OM is irrelevant. It's still a choice to have a relationship with a person who's taken. Your stepmother or any OW could have said, "Nope, I'm not going to date you until you're divorced." In my opinon, both are equally to blame. They have to live with how their relationship started out. Which is something that never goes away.

gia37 Established Member

gia37

Posted
Posted
Your stepmother or any OW could have said, "Nope, I'm not going to date you until you're divorced." In my opinon, both are equally to blame. They have to live with how their relationship started out. Which is something that never goes away.

 

In life there is no "coulda woulda shoudda". Things just go like they go... and later, if we look back, we understand that they were perfect that way, even if at that time all seemed so unfair.

changchewsoon Established Member

changchewsoon

Posted
Posted

Of all the couples that I've known who had a marriage resulting from an affair, I've yet to see one that actually has a happy ending.

 

Either one of them are cheating on their partners outside, or they ended up divorcing.

 

There is one pair that remained married at the moment, however the only reason why they are still together is because of the kids and nothing else I was told by the wife.

 

But maybe that is just limited to my own circle of friends.

Striver Established Member

Striver

Posted
Posted
In life there is no "coulda woulda shoudda". Things just go like they go... and later, if we look back, we understand that they were perfect that way, even if at that time all seemed so unfair.

 

No, things just don't always "work out." This is a bunch of crap.

 

Now if you mean that the BS is better off without the narcissistic piece of crap that the WS is, that might well be true. But they would probably be better off still if the WS had been the good spouse they once were or once pretended to be, instead of what they actually are.

 

But no, I don't think that brand new great partners just drop out of trees for every BS. The BS has to keep their chin up and deal with thing the best they can, sure. But romantic success is never guaranteed for anyone. Some who are jilted never find another good new partner. Too old, too much baggage, luck of the draw. Just the way it goes.

 

So if you are a star-crossed lover that is the typical WS, just do your dirty work without having fantasies that your BS will find some perfect partner for themselves. No guarantees.

violet1 Established Member

violet1

Posted
Posted
In life there is no "coulda woulda shoudda". Things just go like they go... and later, if we look back, we understand that they were perfect that way, even if at that time all seemed so unfair.

Of course none of us can go back in time. I was talking about the OW/OM being responsible for own actions. There's a good or bad consequence to every we choice we make. Unless there's a circumstance that's completely out of our control, I personally don't think "things go like they go..."

howcouldInotknow Established Member

howcouldInotknow

Posted
Posted
I hope your mom is happier now too. I understand what you're saying. I'm speaking as a former WW who met her XMM online. I chatted with several MM's and it's a lot harder for a man than it is for a woman to find an affair. Without a willing participant, there would be no affair. Whether an MM or an MW lies to an OW/OM is irrelevant. It's still a choice to have a relationship with a person who's taken. Your stepmother or any OW could have said, "Nope, I'm not going to date you until you're divorced." In my opinon, both are equally to blame. They have to live with how their relationship started out. Which is something that never goes away.

 

My mom is happier as well she is engaged getting remarried this coming summer. At the end of the day how the relationship started matters to who exactly? I honestly don't care about anyone else's relationship and how it began. My dad is still the best father in the world. My mom is still the most loving and understanding person i know.

HermioneG Established Member

HermioneG

Posted
Posted (edited)

My experience is that the cheating couples may stay married, but not happily. Long before I was a BS, I had a lovely example of my SIL/BIL- married after their affair. He's had 4 affairs, and been fired for sexual harassment multiple times. She's now a nasty alcoholic. My friend's FIL and her stepmother. Still married. She cheats, he drinks himself into a stupor. And the list goes on. There's a pattern.

 

I do know one happily married affair couple. He ended up embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from his job , got kicked out of medical school, went to jail, and became a drug addict, but they are happily married, according to her.

 

I do believe that some people learn from their mistakes and move forward. I think it is absolutely possible that some relationships that result from affairs last and are happy.

 

I just think it is incredibly rare. Healthy people don't engage in affairs. That right there narrows the field of success.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
howcouldInotknow Established Member

howcouldInotknow

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's unfortunate you had this experience. What are the statistics for couples who start out "normally" and wind up miserable down the road? My dad owns his own business lives comfortably, drives a car, just finished building his dream vacation home with his wife, they are inseparable. He was diagnosed with stage one prostate cancer 18 months ago his diagnosis and treatment have brought them even closer together. My cousin and her now husband are both doing well professionally. Both have received promotions in the last year no one is doing drugs, no one is being abused and no one is cheating. If a person lives an unhealthy lifestyle regardless of how the relationship begins it is doomed. One of my very best friends thought he met his dream girl. She was single he was single the timing seemed to be just right until he realized there were issues stemming from her past due to abuse and drug addiction. It ruined her life and his. No third party involved. I do think your example is extreme. Don't get me wrong some people are serial cheaters. I am not saying they do not exist. But there are many couples who start from affairs physical or emotional who move beyond it and live happily.

 

On a side note I want to say age does play a factor in all of this. My dad is now a grandfather.

 

I would like to also mention another couple this is a friend of my mother's she got married young she was a virgin she married her first husband. She met this guy one day at the beach they began an affair. She walked out on her first husband one night in her pajamas and never looked back. They are still together nearly 40 years later two children, 3 grandchildren later. They are quite possibly the sweetest couple ever. He goes to pick her up from work every evening. Last winter I New York was brutal. He would walk in the freezing cold and snow just to walk home with her.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...