Questions

[Harborview]

So I'm crushing on a MM and I'm a MW and BW. I'm looking for advice from the OW's on how they made their move, how did they know he was interested. I can't stop thinking about this MM, I'm so attracted to him but I'm not sure if he's attracted to me. My WH has had so many A's I think I deserve to be to OW and feel wanted and have passion too.

[Goodbye]

If you are going to have a revenge affair perhaps you should find a single man who knows upfront that you are married?

[whichwayisup]

You think so little of yourself to inflict pain on another woman? All because you feel entitled to be an OW since your own husband has had affairs? You know that pain, why on earth would you go ahead and help cause problems in someone elses marriage since you've experienced it.

 

Divorce your husband, seems neither of you are trying to fix/salvage what's left of your marriage. Just because your H cheated doesn't mean you have to as well. Respect yourself, don't cheat!

[Harborview]

This is hard to explain...I don't want to hurt another person (his wife), and I'm attracted to a MM. No worries, he hasn't shown interest in me, I don't think. He's my chiropractor - so there's so many ethical issues in addition to him being married. No one shows interest in me (no second looks), not even single guys unless I were to post on AM which those guys just want sex. This is the consequence of being a BW many times over I guess.

[Mimolicious]

So I'm crushing on a MM and I'm a MW and BW. I'm looking for advice from the OW's on how they made their move, how did they know he was interested. I can't stop thinking about this MM, I'm so attracted to him but I'm not sure if he's attracted to me. My WH has had so many A's I think I deserve to be to OW and feel wanted and have passion too.

 

 

 

Why are you still with your H then?

 

What you deserve is to be free to date whoever treats you the way you want to be treated. Not really go around pursuing another woman's husband and create all the unnecessary drama. You are going to drag another woman into your own misery. Handle your issues. It is the most mature and healthy way to deal with them.

[Harborview]

well, a few weeks ago I asked my WH for an open marriage, but he said no. Why don't I divorce him? Well that's complicated. Our lives have been intertwined for 20 years, so is our money, and we have a special needs child that I've taken care of and have blown off my career- I'd be lucky to get a job at Walmart now.

 

 

Trust me I hear what you're saying, it's really f-ed up. Yes, I am crushing on another woman's husband and know how wrong it is. And as much as I would love to feel "wanted" back, I wouldn't actually cross the line. I have been faithful for 20 years.

 

 

What is interesting is that I am getting a bunch of venom on a category for the OW/OM. Where's the support? Where's the understanding? I don't get it.

[HermioneG]

well, a few weeks ago I asked my WH for an open marriage, but he said no. Why don't I divorce him? Well that's complicated. Our lives have been intertwined for 20 years, so is our money, and we have a special needs child that I've taken care of and have blown off my career- I'd be lucky to get a job at Walmart now.

 

 

Trust me I hear what you're saying, it's really f-ed up. Yes, I am crushing on another woman's husband and know how wrong it is. And as much as I would love to feel "wanted" back, I wouldn't actually cross the line. I have been faithful for 20 years.

 

 

What is interesting is that I am getting a bunch of venom on a category for the OW/OM. Where's the support? Where's the understanding? I don't get it.

 

I think people, and I know I am, are reading your posts as someone who has a choice to make, and can avoid harming yourself and other people by avoiding an affair decision.

 

I am sorry your spouse has been rotten to you. But instead of harming someone else and yourself, maybe individual therapy would be a better choice, and would allow you to not compromise your character.

[Harborview]

To be honest I wish I didn't even have this reaction, it's embarrassing to be crushing on him. Our kids go to the same school. His wife is gorgeous and so much better than me. I'm crushing to the point that he's in my fantasies and every little comment he says to me I analyze.

 

 

I can't remember the last time I had this reaction to someone - 20 years??? and honestly don't know what to do with it. I guess I was wondering if this is what starts A's.

 

 

Ugh, I shouldn't have even posted this.

[nikki76]

Im a MW having an affair with 2 MM , one reason being because my husband treats me to awful. I dont think he's ever cheated on me though, so I dont know 100% how you feel. But I do know that if you make a move and this turns into an affair, you are in for the roller coaster of your life!

I'm trying to get out of my mess. I'm so far into this that my whole family is suffering and I haven't even been caught. ..... yet....

 

Please, stop before this even starts. I promise you, it will be the hardest times of your life if you continue. Maybe not at first, but down the road you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Good luck.

[nikki76]

To be honest I wish I didn't even have this reaction, it's embarrassing to be crushing on him. Our kids go to the same school. His wife is gorgeous and so much better than me. I'm crushing to the point that he's in my fantasies and every little comment he says to me I analyze.

 

 

I can't remember the last time I had this reaction to someone - 20 years??? and honestly don't know what to do with it. I guess I was wondering if this is what starts A's.

 

 

Ugh, I shouldn't have even posted this.

 

Dont be embarrassed. Its natural Im sure. My longer AP is a friend of my husband. Its a messed up situation. We (both our kids and his wife and AP) all hang out and go places...and let me tell you it is SO hard to see him with his wife and just fd up in every way.

maybe youre looking for excitement or attention, which is what I was looking for. I wish I found it some other way then this.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Listen....if you are hell-bent on opening up your marriage on your end, at the very least....do not visit the pain of betrayal upon an innocent party (future BW).

 

Minimize the fall out.

 

The men on AM are looking for EXACTLY the same thing as you...don't fall for the lies that you tell yourself...that what you want to do.....is somehow less seedy.

 

Deserve? Oh how I dislike that thought process that so many of us fall victim to.

 

If only everyone got what they deserved....the world would be a more loving, peaceful, empathic place to reside. Sadly, that is not how the world works.

 

You do have the option of stating to your husband...that on your side...the marriage is now open. Put boundaries in place to protect yourself. IE...single partners only, use protection, away from children....etc.

[lovinDKT3]

Im a MW having an affair with 2 MM , one reason being because my husband treats me to awful. I dont think he's ever cheated on me though, so I dont know 100% how you feel. But I do know that if you make a move and this turns into an affair, you are in for the roller coaster of your life!

I'm trying to get out of my mess. I'm so far into this that my whole family is suffering and I haven't even been caught. ..... yet....

 

Please, stop before this even starts. I promise you, it will be the hardest times of your life if you continue. Maybe not at first, but down the road you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Good luck.

 

Slight T/J

 

Nikki when you first started posting here you said your husband was a good guy and didn't treat you poorly only didn't show you enough affection. Now you say he is awful. This is classic rewriting the history of you marriage. The more involved and energy you spend with AP's the less your marriage means to you and the more you dig to find faults in your spouse. BTDT. You have a boat load of regrets coming down the road.

 

End T/J

 

OP nothing wrong with being attracted to other people, it happens. However the more energy you spend on those thoughts the more danger you put yourself in of this getting out of control.

[nikki76]

Slight T/J

 

Nikki when you first started posting here you said your husband was a good guy and didn't treat you poorly only didn't show you enough affection. Now you say he is awful. This is classic rewriting the history of you marriage. The more involved and energy you spend with AP's the less your marriage means to you and the more you dig to find faults in your spouse. BTDT. You have a boat load of regrets coming down the road.

 

End T/J

 

I totally get what you are saying because I have noticed that I do that. But im not making up the fact that he treats me like crap. Which is why I strayed.

Ive said good things about my husband, yes, he's a great father and person.

[still_an_Angel]

well, a few weeks ago I asked my WH for an open marriage, but he said no. Why don't I divorce him? Well that's complicated. Our lives have been intertwined for 20 years, so is our money, and we have a special needs child that I've taken care of and have blown off my career- I'd be lucky to get a job at Walmart now.

 

 

Trust me I hear what you're saying, it's really f-ed up. Yes, I am crushing on another woman's husband and know how wrong it is. And as much as I would love to feel "wanted" back, I wouldn't actually cross the line. I have been faithful for 20 years.

 

 

What is interesting is that I am getting a bunch of venom on a category for the OW/OM. Where's the support? Where's the understanding? I don't get it.

 

I'm an OW myself so no venom coming from me. It's not an easy world or a nice position to be engaged in. Sure its exciting and fun, a blood-pumping world where you get excited about waking up everyday and embrace life because of this person. But wait there's more, as you get deeper into an A, doubts, insecurities, wanting more, even paranoia sets in. Each case will be different and you can read up on all the broken stories on this forum. Its a hard world littered with pain and anguish.

 

Crushing on this guy and dreaming of being with him is the easy part. But think really hard about the consequences specially for you and your kids (if any) and be ready for the worst. Not many affairs end up with a happy outcome.

[Harborview]

Thanks for the feedback. I think it's pretty safe to say that he is not interested and it's all in my head. Yes, he's overshared with me about his personal life during chiropractic adjustments, but it never was inappropriate and there wasn't any flirtation - only friendliness. He one time said something kinda negative about his wife and he caught himself and was a little standoffish during the next appointment. I didn't illicit the negative comment, it was in response to something I said about my H and he responded "I wish my wife was like that". Really it was all me projecting. In all honestly it's pretty embarrassing.

 

 

So yes, I have brought up the issue of open marriage with my WH since he has had many A's over the years - I think about 10. I have visited AM site and just am kinda grossed out by it. There is nothing natural, it's all fake to get to sex. I don't really want sex, it's about the chemistry and being desired for me. Does that make sense?

 

 

I do hear what people are saying about all the misery that an A can bring. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks

[meandmycats]

well, a few weeks ago I asked my WH for an open marriage, but he said no. Why don't I divorce him? Well that's complicated. Our lives have been intertwined for 20 years, so is our money, and we have a special needs child that I've taken care of and have blown off my career- I'd be lucky to get a job at Walmart now.

 

 

Trust me I hear what you're saying, it's really f-ed up. Yes, I am crushing on another woman's husband and know how wrong it is. And as much as I would love to feel "wanted" back, I wouldn't actually cross the line. I have been faithful for 20 years.

 

 

What is interesting is that I am getting a bunch of venom on a category for the OW/OM. Where's the support? Where's the understanding? I don't get it.

 

 

 

Read the stories of the other women here. They will all tell you it's madness.

 

 

Support? that's what they're trying to give you, by telling you the whole thing stinks. Don't get into it.

[GypsumSatellite]

Harborview, you won't hear venom from me, either. I met my MM in a somewhat related field. It started off with a few innocent comments on his behalf: "I wish my W was like you" and "I wish my W liked these things too". I had him firmly in "He's married, he's untouchable."territory. There were too many hours and too many days where we had too much time to commmiserate and conversate without oversight. There were too many opportunities for us to be alone, to rely on one another, to share a heavy load.

 

It all started out innocent. I had a major crush after a month into our knowing one another. One day his hand swept across my back. Another day I baked him "thank you for your service" treats. Another week he took off his ring in front of me. Another week I confided too much in him. Another week he asked if he could give me a hug. The hug? That was when I realized what was about to happen. His hug wasn't a friendly hug, it was the kind of hug a man gives a woman he is interested in.

 

All green lights. Both of us culpable but there was a slight power imbalance. I stood at a point where I was crying because my moral code very firmly went one way and the loneliness in my grief situation went another way. I hadn't felt the way I felt for him about anyone else (including my then BF) in years. I asked him out for a "friendly" date. He agreed and we almost carried through that date - but he couldn't make a good enough excuse to be out at that time of night without his W or kids... and then we waited.

 

It doesn't take much. Momentum builds. Desire (not just sexual) gets the best of us. Over sharing is the biggest flag here - my MM overshared to the point I knew the names of all his family and friends and girlfriends from high school and college... do you understand what I mean? That's dangerous. I hadn't known him but a few months and in a capacity where that kind of sharing was inappropriate.

 

Inappropriate is key, here. Boundaries are very necessary. It only takes a "He doesn't mean that" to put enough doubt on someone's intentions to allow an A to begin.

 

If he felt a little standoffish in the next appointment, it's likely because he realizes where he's heading with those comments, too. This is the time the boundary exercise becomes even more important. All it takes is a weakness. An affair is such a hard road to walk and if someone had been able to encourage me a little more to reconsider what path I was about to walk when I was at your crossroads... I think it would have helped me tremendously.

 

I'm not saying there hasn't been joy in my A, but whatever joy I have had is severely tainted by all the pain not only I have endured but that his family has likely endured and would endure in the future if certain things came out into the light. If I had things to do all over again, I wouldn't have become involved with my MM. I never dated attached people in the past and I know I'd never do it again in the future.

[whichwayisup]

This is hard to explain...I don't want to hurt another person (his wife), and I'm attracted to a MM. No worries, he hasn't shown interest in me, I don't think. He's my chiropractor - so there's so many ethical issues in addition to him being married. No one shows interest in me (no second looks), not even single guys unless I were to post on AM which those guys just want sex. This is the consequence of being a BW many times over I guess.

 

Bolded. What do you mean by that?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the feedback. I think it's pretty safe to say that he is not interested and it's all in my head. Yes, he's overshared with me about his personal life during chiropractic adjustments, but it never was inappropriate and there wasn't any flirtation - only friendliness. He one time said something kinda negative about his wife and he caught himself and was a little standoffish during the next appointment. I didn't illicit the negative comment, it was in response to something I said about my H and he responded "I wish my wife was like that". Really it was all me projecting. In all honestly it's pretty embarrassing.

 

 

So yes, I have brought up the issue of open marriage with my WH since he has had many A's over the years - I think about 10. I have visited AM site and just am kinda grossed out by it. There is nothing natural, it's all fake to get to sex. I don't really want sex, it's about the chemistry and being desired for me. Does that make sense?

 

 

I do hear what people are saying about all the misery that an A can bring. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks

 

Then keep it as crush, use it to make yourself feel good, to put a smile on your face, an ego feed. That's it. Don't fantasize or lust about him once you leave his office. Of course it's nice to be flirted with and to have someone notice you, to know you turn someone on or they turn you on. Just keep it simple, an attraction that will never be spoken about or acted upon. Keep the boundaries clear and don't cross lines.

 

Stop putting yourself down. You're smart, you can take courses, build up your confidence and find a good job. Just because you may struggle a bit and it might be hard for a while, doesn't mean you won't thrive as time goes on. Don't stay in your marriage because of money (your H will have to pay child support and also alimony too) and security. Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from living and trying to be on your own.

 

Why has your husband decided it's okay to have 10 affairs, do as he pleases, be a serial cheater yet he says no to an open marriage? I can see why you feel like having one, your H is a real shi.t!! But, don't let that drive you to go actually have one.

Edited November 8, 2014 by whichwayisup